B100 reasons to love radio

Happy to say I was a disc jockey back when radio was fun. In the ‘70s there were two formats that appealed to young listeners. Laid-back album oriented FM stations where all the DJ’s were stoned or at least aspired to be. And Top 40 where the presentation was high energy. Speed instead of downers. I gravitated towards Top 40. There was more freedom to be zany, you could talk every three minutes instead of every fifteen minutes (after long far out album sets), and you could play jingles and sound effects and wild tracks of people telling you to shut up. Top 40 was a better fit for my personality. I was not cool. I was not mellow. I thought “Nights in White Satin” sucked.

The only downside to Top 40 radio was that you played the same damn ten songs over and over again. That’s what eventually drove me out of it (that and being fired a lot). But playing “Kung Fu Fighting” four times a night every night almost turned me into Mary Todd Lincoln.

In 1975 KFMB-FM San Diego became B100. Programmed by a radio genius, Bobby Rich, it was a wild fun station with the slogan “Better Boogie” (whatever that meant). By then I had retired from radio full-time and was in Los Angeles launching my TV writing career. But I still did weekends on B100. Thank goodness the station had a trade deal with PSA airlines and the Travelator Hotel (where all the stewardesses stayed and slept with everyone but me). I was using the air name Beaver Cleaver and having the time of my radio life. Imagine Seth MacFarlane but not as tasteful.

Almost from day one the station was a huge hit. San Diego kids were very discerning when it came to “Boogie” and appreciated that ours was better.

For the one-year anniversary of the station, program director Bobby Rich put together a weekend special – 100 hours on non-stop music. No commercials. And better than that, he invited top disc jockeys from Southern California to come down and make guest appearances. Rich Brother Robbin, Dave Conley, and Chuck Browning (former well-known San Diego personalities) and Billy Pearl (formerly of KHJ and once my roommate) joined the airstaff for 100 hours.

To mix it up everyone worked one-hour shifts. And in a couple of cases we doubled up. I did an hour teamed with Rich Brother Robbin and another with Billy Pearl.

Pretty much anything went. Inside radio jokes flew. At the time there was a syndicated program rock stations were airing called the Fantasy Concert, where a Woodstock-like concert was imagined. (They played "Kung Fu Fighting" but put crowd noise underneath it.)  So I did the Concert from Rock n’ Roll Heaven. In an Ed Sullivan voice I introduced all dead acts. There were Mama Cass ham sandwich jokes, Jimi Hendrix jokes – like I said, good taste was not a high priority.

And for most of the weekend everyone hung out at the station. It was one continuous party. Hopefully the listeners got swept up in our enthusiasm and rowdiness because we were probably terrible. It’s like seeing home videos of the party you thought was so awesome. In the light of day taking off your clothes and peeing in the cat box was not the great idea you thought it was at the time.

But the point is radio was fun. It was live, it was audacious, and sadly, I don’t think will ever be like that again.

Today marks the anniversary of that anniversary so I thought I’d play a compilation of the weekend produced by B100. Thanks to Airchexx.com for the exhibit.   Get ready for Audio Red Bull, mixed with speed, and then a Mountain Dew chaser. I apologize to the cat.

If my life were like MAD MEN

I watch MAD MEN and enjoy it. Then I read Alan Sepinwall’s recap and realize, “Holy shit! I missed half of what was going on!"  There was all this symbolism and existential meaning and I was concentrating on whether we’d see Megan naked.  Matthew Weiner writes on numerous levels and I marvel at Alan’s ability to analyze each one.  But it got me wondering – what if my life were like MAD MEN?

I went down to the beach for what I thought was lunch. But really I was trying to recapture my youth. It harkens back to the day in 1989 when, during a WINGS rewrite, I turned to Steve Levitan and said “I used to go to the beach all the time as a kid.” Not coincidentally, that particular WINGS episode had a moment where Joe ordered a sandwich from Helen.

For lunch at the beach – I had a sandwich.

The only question is – did Helen represent my mother? Or Manuel who makes sandwiches at the Apple Pan? Or Helen Dukoraniweiz, a girl I once sat next to on a bus? Sometimes there are no clear answers in my life.

The following day I was in the Hamburger Hamlet in Van Nuys, unbeknownst to me celebrating or mourning the passage of time as I did at the beach, thus perpetuating that theme, when I bumped into an old friend from my radio days.  She said, “Hi Beaver” reminding me that I had two identities. To the world today I’m known as Ken Levine, but back then as a disc jockey, I answered to the name Beaver Cleaver. A chill went up my spine as a deep dark secret suddenly resurfaced. There had been a Beaver Cleaver. I had taken his name. And all the time I used it I lived in mortal fear that I would be discovered… and sued. I was living a lie, and not even making good money.

For a long time I kept this from my wife. And then one night she broke into my desk. And there they were. KYA surveys with my picture. Airchecks of me on WDRQ playing more of Detroit’s rock and soul. I explained it was a past life. Beaver Cleaver was dead. Well, not the real Beaver Cleaver but the persona Beaver Cleaver. She accepted that but asked why I picked such an utterly stupid name? I don’t know. Sometimes there are no clear answers in my life.

My radio friend’s name was Helen. Wait, could that be the Helen who made Joe his sandwich? She said I was sort of her mentor. At first she was very timid. It was hard for a woman to break into primarily a man’s business. But as time went on she became more confident, and eventually she took on the style and characteristics of me. She would have changed her name to Beaver except for… well, you know.

I had dinner that night at the Apple Pan with my daughter, Annie. Her real name is Diana. New theme: we all have dual identities. But does that theme clash with the other theme that we all long for the past (if in fact that was the other theme – I know it had something to do with reflection)?

I remember the day Annie came to work with me. It was last Friday when we both helped punch up a pilot. I thought back to how she has changed over the years – how she’s developed from a little girl into a lovely young woman, and how I’m still pitching the same jokes. In fact, the joke I pitched for that WINGS scene that was rejected made it into the pilot.

Later that night I was sitting at a bar at the Courtyard by Marriott in Century City (no significance, I just get points toward a free room) feeling sorry for myself. Did that joke mean all of our past experiences are valuable and will at some time be called upon? Or does it mean that I’m just a hack? Sometimes there are no clear answers in my life. Jesus, I’ve even started repeating sentences.

A mysterious woman sat down next to me. She ordered a martini and the chicken wings appetizer. WINGS? She noticed I was depressed even though I said nothing. But my crying might have been a tip off.  She said, “Are you sad because you’re lonely?” No. “Sad because you’re getting older?” No, but thanks for bringing that up. “Sad because you’re in need of sex?” No, unless that’s an offer. “Sad because there’s ultimately no meaning? No. “Then what is it?”

I took a drink, thought back to the beach and the pilot and my daughter and all the other clues and suddenly it became crystal clear.  I didn't need to join some crackpot artist colony in Palm Springs or have seven affairs.   The existential answer made itself visible to me.  Here's what I realized:

This is the type of article that would be perfect for the New Yorker’s “Shouts & Murmurs” feature but they never even respond to my submissions.

At that point the PA began to play "Hooked on a Feeling" by David Hasselhoff . I have no idea why.  And then the lights went out but the song kept playing.  This is tough to take every week. 

Annette Funicello 1942-2013

This one hit me hard. Very hard. Me and fifty-million baby boomers. Annette Funicello passed away yesterday at age 70.  She had a major and lasting impact on all our lives. 

We were the first generation weaned on television. Even though our screens were twelve inches, the images were only in black and white, there were only a handful of channels, and often the reception was snowy or blurry, television was the most amazing wonderful incredible invention of all-time. Think of your awe when you first saw the iPhone and the things it could do. Now multiply that by a million. That was TV in the ‘50s.

Every afternoon every one of us came home and turned on this magic box. And we all watched the exact same show. THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB on ABC. It was on five days a week and it starred kids… just like us. They were peppier than we were, could sing and dance better, and were cuter but it was still us reflected back on our television screens.

We got to know these kids – the Mouseketeers -- Cheryl, Bobby, Lonnie, Cubby, Karen, Doreen, a bunch of others, and Annette.

Annette was the one who stood out, and I can’t tell you why exactly. There was something special about her. She always seemed so accessible, so nice. Not that the other girls weren’t, but I got a vibe, even at six, that they had stage mothers just off camera ready to ground them if they sang a wrong note. Annette seemed regular, which therefore made her special.

At a time when girls were this complete mystery to me I still felt that if I knew Annette in real life that she would be my friend. She wouldn’t care that I was younger and kind of goofy-looking and couldn’t sing or dance if the Nazis were holding my parents. She would still accept me. Now multiply that by fifty million.

Annette was also the first Mouseketeer to noticeably uh, develop. So she stood out in that way too. If she wasn’t every little boy’s first crush before, that certainly sealed it.

Later she went on to record some icky pop records and star in a series of BEACH PARTY movies with Frankie Avalon. It was the early ‘60s version of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY. By then she had large helmet hair and never wore string bikinis. But it was Annette. Just seeing her without the mouse ears was erotic enough.

She disappeared from the public eye and raised her own family.  After twenty-five years I'd say she was entitled to a little me time. 

It breaks my heart to think that she suffered the last twenty years of her life with MS and sacrificed a normal childhood to better all of ours. If it’s any comfort, she was truly loved by an entire generation. And we mourn her passing deeply. You never forget your first. Thank you, Annette, for being my dear friend even though I never met you.

How Matt Lauer can save his career

INT. STARBUCKS – BEVERLY HILLS

CHARLIE SHEEN IS AT A SMALL TABLE HAVING COFFEE. HE’S JOINED BY MATT LAUER.

MATT: Hey, Charlie, thanks for seeing me.

CHARLIE: No problem. No one’s ever flown all the way across the country just to have coffee with me before. At least no man.

MATT: Well, I need some advice.

A HOT WOMAN CROSSES BY.

CHARLIE: Hey Angela. Unless you wanna give me a blowjob I have nothing to say to you, bitch.

ANGELA: Oh, Charlie, you’re so funny.

SHE SPITS ON MATT AS SHE MOVES OFF.

MATT: See? Right there. That’s the problem.

CHARLIE: What?  I didn't see a problem.

MATT: Women hate me! I’m charming, personable, warm. They spit on me. You slug them, trash their homes, dump them and your ratings go through the roof. What’s your secret, man?

CHARLIE: Well, first of all I’m better looking than you. There’s that. I have hair. You’re pretty bald, always wearing a suit. You’re the guy women go to for a loan.

MATT: I should get a toupee and dress like Justin Bieber?

CHARLIE: Good start.

MATT: I have to dress like this.  I host THE TODAY SHOW.

CHARLIE: Really?  You do?  I didn’t know that. Sorry. I don’t mean to offend.

ANOTHER HOT WOMAN WALKS BY.

CHARLIE: (to the woman) Wash your hair, dear.

SHE CHUCKLES THEN SPITS ON MATT AND MOVES OFF.

MATT: No, it’s alright. Only 2% of America watches.

CHARLIE: 2%? Jesus. More people came to my “Violent Torpedo of Truth” concerts. What a fucking mess. Women booed and threw things at me. I then got another sitcom with a guarantee of a hundred episodes so I’m set for life.

MATT: Unbelievable.

CHARLIE: In what way? I don’t understand.

MATT: Never mind. Look, I’m going to lose my job if I can’t win back the women audience.

CHARLIE: Win them back? So at one time you had them?

MATT: Yes, for twenty years.

CHARLIE: That’s pretty solid. So what horrific thing did you do that caused an entire sex to revile you?

MATT: I didn’t smile enough when Ann Curry talked.

CHARLIE: Say what?

MATT: I seemed distant.

CHARLIE: Are you shitting me?

MATT: And so when they fired her, it appeared I was behind it.

CHARLIE: Were you?

MATT: Well sure, but that’s not the issue.

CHARLIE: So what did you do?

MATT: I denied it of course. I worked with spin doctors. We blitzed the media with press releases from NBC executives saying I was the lone voice who wanted to keep her. Also, I send out damage control tweets. I pretend I’m excited over cooking segments.

CHARLIE: Wait! Stop! I’m getting physically ill. Alright, I got the answer. Here’s what you do.

MATT LEANS IN AND CHARLIE BEGINS TO WHISPER ADVICE.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TODAY SHOW SET – MORNING (TWO DAYS LATER)

THE SHOW’S IN PROGRESS. MATT IS ON CAMERA.

MATT: Thank you, Al. Glad I brought my umbrella. Now before we go to the next segment, there’s something I’d like to say to all you viewers. There’s been a lot of controversy and hearsay surrounding the firing of Ann Curry and my supposed role in it. Let me take a second to clear up a few things. First of all, Ann Curry sucked! She had no business being a co-host. Am I the only one who noticed that big stick up her ass? Jesus, people! Every interview was gut wrenching. Idiots got eliminated from THE VOICE. Big friggin’ deal! And you heard when I tried to have a little banter with her. It was like joking with a waiter. Can’t be done. And you knew it too. Yes, you did. So excuse me for not being phony and cooing all over this dead weight. Excuse me for being honest and feeling the exact same way you did. What the hell? We dump this broad and suddenly you love her? She’s a freaking victim? Yeah. I tried to get Ann Curry fired. What of it? You’re going to tell me Savannah isn’t way hotter? And look at those tits. Wow! She’s also younger, or are we going to pretend that that doesn’t matter? I’m tired of being blamed for this! Morning TV is a war, people. And I’m a warlord. I’m going to win! Win! Win!

TO PUNCTUATE THIS, MATT GETS UP AND BEGINS SMASHING THE FURNITURE. THREE SECURITY GUARDS RUSH ONTO THE SET TO RESTRAIN HIM.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TODAY SHOW – MORNING (THE FOLLOWING WEEK)

A CONTRITE MATT LAUER IS READING FROM A SHEET OF PAPER.

MATT: The regrettable remarks I made on this program last Monday were the result of an adverse reaction to pain medication I had been prescribed. I have been and continue to be under medical supervision. I apologize to all my fans and any viewer for my deplorable behavior. I was sick.  I was out of control, but I was sick.  Let me repeat that:  I was sick.  I hope you can someday see it in your hearts to forgive me.  Thank you. That’s all I have to say.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.  ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT – THAT NIGHT

SHOW IN PROGRESS. HOST NANCY O’DELL IS ON CAMERA.

NANCY: The big story tonight is that NBC has renewed Matt Lauer’s contract and he will continue as the host of THE TODAY SHOW for at least ten more years for what we hear is a substantial raise. Congratulations, Matt. And please call me. I’d love to go out and get a drink with you.

FADE OUT.

CHEERS theme in German

Where everybody knows your name became you have to always produce papers.

Time we'll never get back

We hear all the time that we spend a third of our lives sleeping. What about other precious time?

How much time that we’ll never get back do we spend…

Idling at intersections?

Waiting in doctors’ waiting rooms?

Trying on clothes we don’t wear?

Going through TSA inspections?

Re-reading paragraphs of books we’ve already read?

Talking to phone solicitors?

Sitting through commercials before movies start?

Waiting on the line for tech support?

Waiting in line at Starbucks?

Sitting on tarmacs?

Watching the little spinning beach ball?

Waiting for rock concerts to begin?

Channel surfing?

Reading bad jokes people email us?

Sending bad jokes to others?

Wrapping presents?

Stuck in traffic?

Playing Angry Birds?

Watching bad movies because we paid to see them?

Standing at bus stops?

Scrolling through Facebook postings of your friends’ adorable pets?

Reading this blog?

Eliza Dushku and my swimming pool

One advantage or disadvantage of living in Los Angeles is that some production company might want to use your house for filming.   My house was almost used once.  Talk about the one that got away.  Here's the sad story:

One day five years we get a knock on our front door. My wife answers to find the location manager for a new pilot called DOLLHOUSE. It was a Joss Whedon production. She was aware of the name. He was my marching buddy one day on the strike line. Anyway, they were interested in using our pool for the pilot. They had been scanning GoogleMaps and from 300,000 miles our pool seemed to be the right shape and color.

He took pictures, said ours was one of a number they were considering, and gave her his number if we had any questions.

I came home that night and was not enthused. The thought of a film crew – sixty guys named Dave – trampling through my house and yard did not excite me. They always say they’ll leave the house exactly as they found it but do they really? What if they break my priceless bowling trophy? Plus, it’s just an invasion of privacy. I don’t want to be sunbathing nude while Dave, Dave, Dave, and Dave drag cables across the patio.

And there was a chance they’d want to film the second night of Passover, which is when we had 35 people coming to the house.

Yes, they pay you but weighing all the factors, it just didn’t seem worth it. I called the location manager, politely passed, and then, purely out of curiosity, asked what the scene was about. The conversation went something like this:

LOCATION MANAGER: Eliza Dushku would be swimming laps.

ME: Eliza Dushku?

LOCATION MANAGER: Yeah, she’s been cast as the star.

ME: Eliza Dushku? In my pool?

LOCATION MANAGER: Well, thanks for letting us take a look.

ME: Wait. Wait a minute. Eliza Dushku would be at my house? Swimming in my pool? Getting out and drying off? Maybe a few times? And you'd be paying me? Would I be allowed to be there?

LOCATION MANAGER: Of course. It’s your house. Have a good weekend.

ME: HOLD IT! Wait! I think we can do this. Yes. Definitely. I’m back in.

LOCATION MANAGER: But you said there was likely to be a conflict.

ME: What? The Jewish holidays? No, don’t worry about them. It's not like they’re carved in stone. Would I be allowed to invite my poker buddies?

LOCATION MANAGER: We found some other good pools anyway, so it’s really no big deal.

ME: Where? They can’t be as nice as mine. What if I waive the fee? The poker guys don’t have to come.

LOCATION MANAGER: Listen, I’ve got another call…

ME: Joss Whedon! He’s a very close friend of mine. I know he’s going to want to use my place.

LOCATION MANAGER: Well, you could always call him.

ME: I don’t know his number.

LOCATION MANAGER: Goodnight, sir.

ME: Tell ya what, could you have him call me? Ken Levine. We marched together at 20th. I wore the ALMOST PERFECT baseball cap. He asked “Was that a show?” Really. We got very tight.

DIAL TONE

ME: Hello…? Hello…?

They did not use my pool. Whoever’s pool they did use, they used multiple times. And the show lasted a couple of seasons so they probably used that pool multiple times. Oh, and they didn’t shoot during Passover.   You can search for my house on Google Maps by just typing in the word "schmuck."

A rare un-aired Larry Gelbart pilot

UPDATE:  UNFORTUNATELY, THIS VIDEO HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN.  I invite you to scroll up or down and read other posts.   Sorry about that.

Few people know that Larry Gelbart wrote the first pilot of THREE'S COMPANY. Actually, the first American adaptation of the British series. Imagine the THREE'S COMPANY you know but with smarter jokes and different girls.   I don't know why they decided to completely throw out his script once they recast but they did.   Actually, there were three THREE'S COMPANY pilots.  Ritter and Joyce DeWitt were in the second but with a different blonde.  She was replaced by Suzanne Sommers and the rest is dubious history.   John Ritter, Norman Fell, and Audra Lindley were in all three versions as was that insipid theme song.  (I know I'm going to get a bunch of irate readers commenting that I'm crazy and that the theme was great, but I'm standing my ground on this one.)

Ironically, there was a period of time when MASH was on Tuesday nights up against THREE'S COMPANY and TC killed it in the ratings.  It was only when CBS moved MASH to Monday nights at 9:00 did the show really take off.   David Isaacs and I were very relieved.  We were the head writers then and it was reassuring to know the show faltered in the ratings due to the competition and not us.   We didn't want to be known as the writing team that killed MASH.

Although Larry never got a created by or developed by credit he did receive a nice royalty for every episode. 

I don't know how this re-surfaced after so many years but it's worth taking a look.  Enjoy a look into the alternate universe.

Coping with comedy writer depression

This is a serious Friday Question. More humor tomorrow but today I need to address this. Usually I frown on Anonymous posters but not in this case. 

Here's his question:

Ken, I'm a mid-level writer and have been writing on sitcoms for about six years. Alan Kirschenbaum (pictured above) and Lester Lewis' suicides were chilling because I see how this job may have driven them to it. I see that kind of pain all around me, in other sitcom writers, in myself. How did you keep your head straight when you did your time working on staffs? Yes, I'm aware of how great the WGA's mental health benefits are, but aside from that, did you land upon an effective way to deal with all the lows? Sorry to be anonymous, but I'm sure you understand why.

First off, my heart goes out to you. And anyone who feels despondent in their life or life’s work. Depression can be a killer.  But therapy and proper medication have helped millions recover and go on to lead normal, healthy, happy lives. 

Besides advising you strongly to seek counseling I can only tell you what works for me. I’m not a medical professional, nor can I speculate on the reasons why Alan and Lester chose to take their own lives. My guess is their careers were a factor but there were others as well.   I didn’t know either of them very well. I worked with Alan briefly on a couple of shows; Lester I never met.

I can also point out that like any writer, I have weathered my share of disappointments, doubts, failures, and frustrations. They come with the territory.  There was one period, after doing the MARY show that I needed to drop out and not do anything for three months. So these are battle-tested methods, at least regarding me. I hate when actors give acceptance speeches after winning big awards and say, “This just proves if you love what you’re doing and stay with it you’ll make it.” Bullshit! You made it. You were incredibly lucky, were blessed with God-given talent, or your slept your way to the top, but don’t be giving advice to others as if anyone can follow your path.

Here was mine:

David Isaacs and I were just starting out. We had sold a couple of freelance scripts and were completely starry-eyed. And then we heard that a writer for ALL IN THE FAMILY, on his way to a Sunday rewrite after working grueling hours every day for weeks, felt chest pains, pulled off to the side of the freeway, had a heart attack and died. He was in his 50’s. This was a sobering moment for us. Even then, even in the euphoria of finally breaking into the business, we realized that literally killing yourself for the sake of a script was foolhardy.  As a result, our mantra has always been…

It’s just a stupid television show.

It may not seem it at the time of crisis but if you step back, allow yourself a little perspective, you’ll see that it’s true.

It’s just a stupid television show.

Yes, you want to make your show great. You want it to be something you’re immensely proud of, something seen by millions of people. You work your ass off, as you should. But at the end of the day…

It’s just a stupid television show.

A few years ago a writer killed himself after a bad table reading of a MR. ED reboot pilot. Can you imagine something that tragic and absurd?

Look for other things in your life that you enjoy or give you meaning. If as a God-forbid you have to get out of television, you will probably find that’s not the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  It might just be the best. Re-inventing yourself is not a bad thing. I will admit it’s harder to do that the older you get. Opportunities dry up with age. But it’s certainly worth exploring. A lot of my contemporaries have found satisfaction in other fields. One former comedy writer teaches Russian Studies in college, another is now an author, still a third runs a bed & breakfast in Vermont.

Is there something else you’d like to do? It may not even be a dream job, but if the stress is way less, if you go home at a decent hour, if you’re able to watch basketball for the first time in fifteen years, then maybe it’s worth it.

I got very lucky. At the end of that MARY experience I had an “Is that all there is?” moment and decided to chase my other passion, baseball announcing. It was a lark more than anything. When I went to the upper deck of Dodger Stadium with a tape recorder I never seriously believed I’d make it to the major leagues. The truth? After spending a year locked in a writing room, I was just thrilled to be outdoors. It worked out for me amazingly well, but that was just a bonus.

And then there’s Alan Ball. I’ve told this story before but he was on staff of CYBILL and was miserable. So at night, for his own sanity, he wrote a spec screenplay. That was AMERICAN BEAUTY.

I offer these merely as examples that there are alternatives. A lawyer I knew said “Fuck it” and opened a crepe restaurant. A former big league ballplayer is writing a musical. A former comedy writer is going to nursing school. What else floats your boat?

And finally, to the person I say, you are welcome to contact me. My email is [email protected]. I’m happy to sit down and have coffee with you and do whatever I can. Comedy is hard but shouldn’t be that hard.

My best wishes to all of you in this painful situation.

It's just a stupid television show.

These are the pilots they're making this year

In a mission far more dangerous than anything they’ve tried on COVERT AFFAIRS, THE AMERICANS, HOMELAND, 24, or CUPCAKE WARS, I managed to obtain the official list of this year’s pilot pick-ups. I was only able to read it once before having to eat it for security reasons. But I took notes – in Klingon of course, as a necessary precaution in case they fell into the wrong hands. One can’t be too careful when it comes to pilot loglines.

So at great personal risk to me, here is what the networks are generally developing for the 2013/14 season:

A hundred variations of a single-parent struggling to maintain their career while raising an insufferable sitcom-one-liner-joke-machine precocious kid.

Groups of thirtysomethings trying to navigate the dating scene. Barney Stinson meets FRIENDS.

Every other pilot is about parents moving in with their kids or kids moving back in with their parents. And the parents are always overbearing and outspoken.

Every workplace has an obnoxious mean boss.

Another big trend is loosely-based autobiographical accounts of dysfunctional families. Playing the diversity/alcoholic/mental illness card to delight and touch you.

And then there’s…

SEX IN THE CITY with divorced men, SEX IN THE CITY with older women.

Fathers and daughters working together. (JUST SHOOT ME but… well, it is JUST SHOOT ME.)

Adaptations of books, mostly dating books.

Loose cannon shithead must raise a precocious kid. ONE AND A HALF MEN.

So much depends on the execution and for all I know a few of these are great. America’s next classic sitcom could be buried in there somewhere. So I’m withholding any judgment…

BUT….

This is the actual logline from one of the ordered pilots:

A single-camera comedy that follows Kimmie and her two best friends, who make it a priority to eat pizza in their pajamas and watch a movie before their strict midnight bedtime every Friday.

I dunno. I somehow can’t imagine that premise supporting 100 episodes. But I could just be jealous because I didn’t think of it.

Now remember – none of this you heard from me… including best of luck to all of you who have pilots in contention!

One of those great network stories

 ABC has a pilot in development.  Here's the logline:  When Terry Gannon, a recently divorced, single mother, temporarily moves in with her estranged father, a beer swilling former baseball player, she reluctantly starts coaching her son's underdog little league team and is drawn back into the world of sports she vowed to leave behind. 

This is not the first time this basic premise has been tried.  I wonder if the ABC pilot gets the same note as the CBS version. 

Right around this time in 1979 CBS premiered a new sitcom called THE BAD NEWS BEARS. It was an adaptation of the terrific movie of the same name. (If you haven’t seen it, check it out. Walter Matthau, Tatum O’Neal, and a young very weird Jackie Earle Haley) In the TV version Jack Warden played the Matthau part.

Here’s that premise: a little league team of rag tag junior high misfits is coached by an alcoholic former minor leaguer down on his luck. Hilarity and dropped fly balls ensue. 

The series debuted and did well enough to get renewed for the Fall of 1980. It was on Saturday nights. Most of the shows were filmed on Westside little league fields.

Research was conducted based on the audience and the time slot, and once the show was picked up CBS gave the producers one note.

Cut out any baseball.

The (then) Saturday night audience was largely women and women didn't like baseball.

The producers reminded them this was a show about baseball. The Bad News Bears were a little league BASEBALL team. CBS said, “make it more about the relationship between Jack Warden and the kids.” And they said, “Yeah, but he’s their BASEBALL coach.” They countered with, “Well, then do more with the romance between Warden and Catherine Hicks, who played the junior high principal. So it should be a romantic comedy even though the premise is about baseball and kids and now neither were emphasized?  "We don't care as long as there's no baseball."

Try that for a writing exercise future-showrunners. 

BAD NEWS BEARS had their season debut in September, and for whatever reason, tanked in the ratings and was soon cancelled. Remember, when it debuted in the spring it got good enough numbers to be renewed. So what was the difference? Could it perhaps, just maybe, by some slim chance be… BASEBALL?

Good luck with the ABC pilot.

Inside THE PRICE IS RIGHT

My daughter Annie recently attended the taping of THE PRICE IS RIGHT (it will air tomorrow morning, Wednesday) and along with her writing partner, Jon Emerson files this account of it:

Recently, a friend of mine came to visit and wanted to do something “touristy” in the city. I happen to live very close to where they tape THE PRICE IS RIGHT and my dad happens to enjoy getting a day off from blogging, so it didn't take long to put two and two together...

We got in line around six in the morning and were already behind a half-dozen people praying for the chance to “come on down.” A regular Algonquin Round Table. (IKEA round table; actual retail price: $199.)

There was the married couple from Utah who drove ten hours literally just for this taping. As soon as it was over they were headed right back. I didn't ask how he chose which wife to bring, but I assume she was the one who does the grocery shopping.

And Scott, the entrepreneur, whose real goal was to get on SHARK TANK. His latest stroke of genius was a combination watch and stun gun. (Mederma Scar Cream; actual retail price: $20.)

As the line grew behind us, I began to realize we were dressed like complete idiots. In that we were the only ones not dressed like complete idiots. A rainbow of t-shirts covered in blood, sweat, and Puffy Paint. (Dimensional Puffy Fabric Paint; actual retail price: $9.99 for a pack of six.) Each shirt featured witty turns of phrase like “Sock It Drew Me” and “Just Drew It!” I almost Drew my brains out.

In line at six in the morning and we finally got through the CBS gates around nine. Much to our chagrin, we were just put into another line. Our newest line companion was Michael Polosky. This was Michael's thirty-seventh taping of THE PRICE IS RIGHT. He knew every single thing I could have ever wondered about the show except what made me think coming to it was a good idea.

At last we were given the iconic price tag name badges. The show requires you put your full legal first name on the badge, meaning I had to be Diana. Nobody ever calls me Diana, so for all I know, they did call me down and I just ignored it. That'll make for a fun blooper reel. (Game Show Moments Gone Bananas (DVD); actual retail price: $13.)

Everyone in line was divided up into groups of twelve to sixteen people. Each group was interviewed so that the producers could find contestants for this particular episode. Personally, I thought I nailed my interview. I was charming, I was funny, I was a sure-fire TV sensation.

I was seated in the very back row.

We would have been closer to the stage if I sat on my couch at home.

I will say this, though... I don't know if it was the psychedelic set, the allure of winning a trampoline, or what, but as soon as I sat in that metal folding chair, I went from mumbling “I hate this” to screaming “PICK THE KAYAK!” in sixty-seconds flat. (Mark 1 Economy Stopwatch; actual retail price: $8.)

Drew Carey came out, the place went nuts, and only six hours from the time we got in line, we finally heard: “It's the Price is Riiiiiight!”

THE PRICE IS RIGHT is currently involved in a $7.7 million lawsuit. I think the producers might be worried they'll have to pay out because one of the big prizes of the show was a BBQ shaped like a pickle. Sure, people won cars, but I don't remember the old PRICE IS RIGHT requiring you to return those cars to the nearest Enterprise location with the same amount of gas in the tank as when you got it.

For most of the audience (read: old women) the biggest draw of the show was the raw sexual magnetism of Drew Carey...'s male model assistant “Hot Rob.” “Hot Rob” is the first male model the show has ever had. From the looks of him, he gets paid per ab. (Total Gym XLS; actual retail price: $999.)

At one point, Drew read the contestant's bids incorrectly and called the wrong person up to the stage. The audience felt terrible for her as she danced her way up to Drew and then had to walk back to her podium. Then Hot Rob gave her a hug and the audience wanted to kill her.

After the taping, they had us all stay behind to do pick-ups. It was mostly contestants having to recreate their psychotic sprinting from their seats to the stage. Can you imagine? “I'm so sorry you didn't win that trip, that car, any of the furniture, and you got beaten in the Showcase Showdown by only a dollar... But, hey, at least you got that hot dog cooker. Now run down here again and put a little more enthusiasm into it.”

They let us all go home and I have to admit I was thrilled with the experience. Sure, I didn't get called up to be a contestant, but I buy everything with coupons anyway, so how good could I have done?

This particular episode airs tomorrow. I'll be the one way in the back trying to stop a 200 year-old woman from rushing the stage to get at Hot Rob. (Trojan condoms; actual retail price: $14.)

That's the end of this blog post. Thanks for reading and don't forget to have your pets spayed or neutered.

Thanks again to Jon & Diana... I mean Annie.    

NEWS FLASH: I will be taking over GIRLS

An official announcement will be made later today, but I have been given an offer I couldn't refuse and so I am returning to series television. I just signed to be the new showrunner of GIRLS.  I know.  Mind blowing, isn't it?  I still can't believe it myself.  This is a deal that has been in the works for months. It’s one of the reasons I am not doing baseball this year. I needed to free my schedule.

Here’s what happened and trust me, it was completely out of the blue. Unbeknownst to me, Lena Dunham is a huge fan of my blog. GIRLS has been in ratings-freefall all second season long, and when HBO renewed it for a third year it was with the stipulation that they would make significant changes.

When Lena was out here in January for the Golden Globes we met for two days, I spelled out my suggestions for the show, and she embraced them. Further meetings with Judd Apatow and HBO followed and a deal was hammered out. One of my stipulations was that I would still be able to continue this blog. Judd said if I was really in a bind for time he’d write a few things for me. Or have Seth Rogen do it. Thanks, Judd.

So what are my changes?  You'll read about these tomorrow in Alan Sepinwall's and Maureen Ryan's columns but why shouldn't you know before anyone else?

First of all we’re going to do the third season multi-camera, shot in front of a studio audience. HBO was concerned they were getting away from the comedy and this will help in that regard. Now when there are laughs you'll know.  Yes, the objection has been voiced – won’t that format make the show seem less groundbreaking? No, and here’s why: Lena will do the same amount of nudity, except now in front of an audience. When have you ever seen that before on a sitcom? In many ways it will be more groundbreaking. And Lena, I'm in awe of your bravery. 

Lovers of the show fear not. There will still be masturbating and anal sex but now there will be applause at the end, just like you do at home.

We’re also adding some fresh daring characters. To address the criticism the show is too white, we’re adding an African-American. Bill Cosby returns to television as Doodles, an irascible homeless guy who has an opinion on everything. He’ll befriend Hannah and explain to her why hip hop music is destroying the black community.

For a big season kick off, Judd has graciously agreed to do a crossover episode with the cast of THIS IS 40.  Leslie Mann and Rebekka Johnson who played Gyno Nurse will be reprising their roles. The public interest should be HUGE.

Also, I plan to take advantage of the fact that the stars of the show all have famous fathers. So Brian Williams and David Mamet will both become series regulars. Brian will be Hannah’s wacky landlord, Mr. Higgenfroofer, and David will be her opera singing neighbor.

I hope you are as excited about these improvements as I am… or Lena is.

Today is April first. We go back into production one month from today. Look for the official announcement later today. Here’s a quote from it:

I feel so honored that Lena Dunham has chosen me to help her realize her vision.

GIRLS rock!!! 

To make it clear, especially for those who read this beyond April 1st -- this post was an April Fool's gag.  I am not taking over GIRLS.  It would have meant having to take off my clothes.  I'm pretty sure America doesn't want to see that.   Thanks for playing along.  Hope you had fun with it. 

A discovered treasure

Tomorrow is the Real Don Steele's birthday.   He would have been 77.   He was the world's most exciting disc jockey and proud to say -- a dear friend.  We were jocks together at two stations in the '70s -- K100 and TenQ, both in Los Angeles.  This was when I used the air name Beaver Cleaver.

Steele was famous for his Friday night sign-offs.  They were wild rants designed to get you amped up for the weekend, delivered in machine-gun fashion.   From time to time I would follow him on Friday night (which was like being the next act after the Beatles on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW) and noticed that he always had the sign-off typed out.   So one Friday I asked if I could keep it and would he autograph it for me?   Gracious person that he is, he said sure. 

And now, in honor of his birthday, I am sharing it for the first time.  Try reading this whole thing in one take without making a single mistake... in about thirty seconds.

I love you and miss you Don and always will.   You and Tina Delgado will always be alive!

WTF???

What did the Jews ever do to Words With Friends?

Do I know how to read women or what?

A few years ago I went to see a rather unusual play called TAMARA. The theater is actually a mansion and the audience follows around the various cast members as they perform their scenes simultaneously in different rooms. The idea is to attend with a few people and each person follows someone else. Then at intermission you get together and catch everybody up. I know. It’s a lot of work. And the story is a complicated mess. But it’s an experience and they serve chocolate covered strawberries at intermission.

So I’m following the cute little chambermaid (me and about nineteen other guys). In one scene she goes up to her room to get ready for a date. We follow her and stand against the walls.

She turns to me and starts talking to herself, excited about this upcoming rendezvous. Bad writing but that’s not the point. She’s imagining being in his strong embrace and how she’ll melt in his arms. And all the while she’s looking directly into my eyes.

The vibe is clear. This chick likes me. The suggestive dialogue, her bedroom eyes locked onto mine. There’s no doubt. For whatever reason I turn her on. I had just had a pilot not picked up and was feeling somewhat inadequate so to have this smoking hot girl pick me out of a room full of men really boosted my bruised ego. The hell with CBS! I was a stud!

So I start making eyes back at her, letting her know the Fonz has received the message.

And then I realized…

I’m standing in front of a mirror. She wasn’t looking at me. She was looking through me. She was just playing the scene as if I weren’t even there. Talk about major shrinkage.

For the rest of the night I followed the Fascist Colonel.

Friday Questions

Ready for some Friday Questions?

Sarah has one regarding a recent post on how you don’t have to write jokes to get laughs.

In the second scene, Jen is prattling on and on and on. Two 120-plus word speeches without interruption. So I've got this question in my head now: How do you make this work as comedy? Do you expect to have pauses in there where the audience will laugh? Lots of cross-cuts that show Ben getting more and more nervous? I can see how it works on paper but not how it will work on camera. Thanks.

Yes. We expect pauses and behavior.  So much of this scene depends on reaction shots of Ben. He will get most of the laughs. This is something some actors don’t understand. They will get the script and count the number of lines they have vs. the other cast members. In addition to the fact that they will never work for me, they miss the point that comedy comes from playing attitudes not just firing off one-liners.

George asks:

If writers job is to provide the dialog and to leave the stage direction to the director, then how does a scene which is mostly mime (like this Niles Fire) come about? Do the writers describe the details of the action in the script, or do they put down "Niles tries to iron his pants and sets fire to the couch" and leave the rest to others?

In a case like this where there is a silent physical comedy bit the writer will be as specific as he possibly can. Once the scene is on its feet it will often be modified as the actor makes it his own, but the more detailed the writer can make the description the better. Now I should mention that that’s a general rule. I suppose if you have an actress like Lucille Ball she might just prefer the writers say, “Lucy stomps on grapes” and she’ll take it from there. But how many Lucy’s are there? Or were there?

Actors generally dislike when writers give them a lot of interior directions on what attitude to play in dialogue. (pensive) (angry) (suspicious) They like to find it themselves and believe that if the script is written well the intent of the lines will be clear enough that they don’t have to instructed. How annoying would it be for you if someone sat behind you while you drove and kept saying, “turn on your left turn indicator”, “check your rearview mirror now,” etc. In two blocks you’d be yelling, “I’m not an idiot! I know what I’m doing!” That’s how actors feel and their point is well taken.

From Chris:

Recently on Two and a Half Men Ashton Kutcher, after a wild party, says: "Uh. This looks like Charlie Sheen's house".

The studio audience went crazy.

Why do you think breaking the fourth wall and going a little surreal like that usually gets such a warm response from the audience?

Because it feels like an inside joke that the audience is in on. And who doesn’t love to feel included on an inside joke? It’s also a line the audience sure didn’t expect. The downside is you tamper with the reality and integrity of your show. But you have to decide whether that’s important enough or not.

Janice has a FQ:

I was recently watching on YouTube the auditions of several cast members for "Freaks & Geeks". During the auditions there is a person in the room laughing incessantly after each line is read - whether it was funny or not. Is this common practice during a reading? I would imagine the laugher must feel like an imbecile.

No, that’s not common. And I imagine it would be quite disconcerting for the actor. Hopefully that laugher was thinking he was encouraging the actors and not just in hysterics because he loved his lines so much. Or has the worst short-term memory ever.

I love when actors make me laugh in auditions. That means they’re nailing it and are genuinely in the running for getting the part.

What’s tough is when an actor comes in and is so off-the-charts bad that you want to laugh at how absurdly terrible he is. I never want to embarrass an auditioner so I have to bite my tongue. But ohmygod is it tough sometimes. There have been a number of instances when an actor will finish, we’ll stoically thank him, he’ll leave, and we’ll fall on the floor laughing.

And finally, one from Patrick:

As a showrunner how much stock do you put in the so-called "showkiller curse"? Some actors get stuck with the nickname but is there any truth in that being part of the equation when casting? Or is the "showkiller" title purely a fabrication of the media?

Part of the problem is that we're always looking for someone fresh and new and these so-called showkillers feel recycled and too familiar. How many times have you watched a show and said, “Oh, him again?”

But as a producer I have to look past that. There are some terrific actors who haven’t broken out simply because they haven’t been fortunate enough to get the right parts. George Clooney did tons of pilots and failed series before clicking with ER. How stupid would a producer have to be to just dismiss George Clooney because he was a “showkiller?” Same with Matthew Perry and Jennifer Aniston.

The truth is if an actor keeps getting pilots then he must have something. How else does he always get hired? You’ve seen my post on how hard it is to land a pilot. So you have to weigh a lot of factors.

For me? I’m just looking for the best person for the part. Period. Known. Unknown. As I conceived the part. Different but better.

Looking back, I can’t tell you how many times I was casting a pilot and WISHED that George Clooney came in and auditioned. I’d probably be a much richer man today.

What’s your Friday Question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks much.

My thoughts on Fallon replacing Leno

So Jimmy Fallon is going to succeed Jay Leno and take over THE TONIGHT SHOW. At one time a change in TONIGHT SHOW hosts was a huge deal. Now it’s as major a story as the Houston Astros changing managers.

And yet, it’s the buzz of the TV media. My question is why? This isn’t 1962 or even 1992.

At one time THE TONIGHT SHOW ruled the airwaves. Host Johnny Carson was the undisputed king of late night. Other networks would try to challenge him with competitors like Merv Griffin, Joan Rivers, and Pat Sajak and he would crush them all. NBC made more money on THE TONIGHT SHOW than their primetime lineup… and remember, this is when NBC had shows that people actually watched.

So when Johnny Carson announced he was retiring it sent shock waves throughout the industry. Think: Regis Philbin times a thousand. The battle between David Letterman and Jay Leno for that coveted spot became the stuff of high drama, a page-turner book, and truly cheesy movie-of-the-week.

But twenty years have passed. THE TONIGHT SHOW is no longer invincible. After over three decades of dominance those late night riches were finally up for grabs. Add to that the proliferation of cable channels and suddenly every network joined the gab wars. Magic Johnson. George Lopez. Rush Limbaugh. Stephanie Miller. FrankCaliendo. Arsenio Hall. Chevy Chase for godsakes. And don’t forget NIGHTLINE on ABC and THE DAILY SHOW/COLBERT REPORT on Comedy Central. Not to mention CHEERS reruns.

A few years ago there was that big shakeup when NBC saboteur, Jeff Zucker moved Jay Leno to primetime and promoted Conan O’Brien to TONIGHT SHOW host. Both ends of that genius move blew up spectacularly, and when NBC tried to go back to the way things were it became water cooler fodder for weeks.

And then when it was over, Jay went back to getting his usual numbers, and after much speculation, Conan wound up on TBS and after one week, no one watches.

So here we go again. It’s like who will win SURVIVOR 154? It’s no longer really important… or important at all.

Especially when you think all these late night changes are being made to chase younger viewers and they don’t have the same viewing habits as their parents. People accuse sitcoms of being tired, well how about talk shows? What’s more stale than a guy in a suit delivering a lousy monologue then interviewing Paul Rudd who has a new boxoffice bomb coming out on Friday? The days when THE TONIGHT SHOW was a nighttime ritual are gone. Many viewers the networks want are watching clips of the shows on YouTube. They’re DVRing the shows and skipping right to the Emma Watson interview.

So Jimmy Fallon will take over THE TONIGHT SHOW. And Jimmy Kimmell is on ABC. Sooner or later Dave will give way to Craig Ferguson (unless Julie Chen wants it). And the ratings battle will continue as usual although for smaller numbers.

I feel I should have soap opera organ music under the following questions:

When will NBC make the switch? Where will Jay Leno land? Will Fallon maintain Jay’s numbers? Will THE TONIGHT SHOW move back to New York? Will the audience be confused when there are two hosts named Jimmy? Is Conan even still on the air?

And the big question: Do you really care?

Unless there’s some delicious twist like Jay puts a hit out on Kimmell, Dave becomes an orthodox Jew, or  I wind up replacing Jay with Sasha Grey as my sidekick then my answer is nah.

What’s yours?

THE AMERICANS: My review

It’s amazing how much shit you’ll overlook if you just like a show. Case in point is me and THE AMERICANS. The premise is a tad far fetched. Two Russian spies in 1980 who speak perfect English raise an unsuspecting family in suburban Washington D.C. while performing intricate dangerous espionage missions. Meanwhile, the FBI agent assigned to hunt Commie spooks happens to move in right across the street.

I’m sure there were Russian spies back then. My guess is they primarily worked sources for information. They weren’t Boris & Natasha. Every week this pair gets some MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE assignment then spends the next hour killing people, donning disguises, installing bugging devices in cabinet members homes, transmitting and receiving coded messages on Radio Shack whizbang equipment, and sleeping with sources. All the while they’re getting their kids off to school and having the usual squabbles married couples who have been assigned to each other by the KGB have.

And this is only the first season. By year three they should be hijacking the space shuttle and banging Nancy Reagan.

But I love the show.

It’s goofy fun. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf meets Moose and Squirrel must die.

The number one reason I watch is because of Matthew Rhys. As the husband, Phillip he lights up the screen. Always interesting, often surprising, and despite the dering-do, always real and nuanced. He can fool you into thinking this is not a cartoon despite wearing a ridiculous wig. Al Pacino wasn’t able to do that last Sunday on HBO.

Noah Emmerich as the FBI borscht hunter is also excellent. He’s one of those character actors you’ve seen in a million things and never gave him much thought. But here he shines, adding sensitivity and dimension to what could easily be a cliché role.

Keri Russell is gorgeous to look at, especially when she dons sleek leather cat burglar togs. Think Honey East. But if I’m being honest, I don’t love her character. She hasn’t smiled once since episode two and she’s got kind of a Soviet flag stuck up her ass. I’d love her to get the following coded instructions from Moscow: Lighten up and show more cleavage.

I see what they’re trying to do – a spin on a marital relationship – where he’s the emotional one and she’s the cold one, and that’s fine but she could be just a little bit warmer. Instead of always calling her husband Phillip, how about honey once in awhile? Or even darlink? There was an episode recently where Phillip was tempted by his old girlfriend Irina (the yummy Marina Squerciati) and had the chance to run away with her. Usually that storyline is just schmuckbait. No one is rooting for the hero to go off with the other women. Especially when the wife at home is Keri Russell. But I admit, I was thinking about it.

The marital fights are starting to get a little tedious. He wants to make it work then he’s mad. She wants to make it work then she’s mad. Go see Dr. Drew or figure it out. Their stance on extra-marital sex is interesting. It’s okay to sleep with other people in exchange for information but not colleagues. This feels more Clinton era than Reagan.

An added bonus is Margo Martindale as Granny. She’s their superior and her role as a villain was made pretty clear in her first episode when she took someone’s child and killed the parent. This is as opposed to her first episode on JUSTIFIED when she took someone’s child and killed the parent. But evil Margo is sublime Margo. Best line of the entire series was when Keri said she wanted to kill her and Margo replied frostily, “Well, better luck next time.” Yeah.  That's the Megs from Harlan County we know and love!

Richard Thomas plays the calculating FBI director, but who are we kidding? It’s John-Boy in a J. C. Penney's suit.

From the constant disclaimers you’d think each episode had more sex than LAST TANGO IN PARIS but in fact there’s only brief nudity and worse, it’s not Kerri Russell who gets naked. Still, they probably go to limit of what’s allowed on FX.

There are nagging little questions like how does Matthew’s wigs stay on even when he’s being tortured? Why doesn’t John-Boy say goodnight to everybody? Don’t the kids get suspicious when Mom packs herring in their lunch boxes? Is Marina Squerciati a stage name? Is the Russian Tea Room still as good now that it’s no longer under original management? And just who the hell are we supposed to root for – the Ruskie spies or our FBI?

Still, none of that matters. THE AMERICANS is a hoot. I look forward to Matt & Kerri’s further adventures together, although if I had my way – Matt would dump her for the former girlfriend Irina, Kerri would hook up with Yakov Smirnoff, and Margo Martindale would marry Alexander Haig.

"Na zda-ró-vye!"

The pilot you will never see

This is one of those posts where I will ask you to kindly indulge me. There’s no great point. No major lesson. This is just a chance for me to vent and get something off my chest. When you read why you will surely understand. Thank you for humoring me today.

Okay. Here we go…

I owned one of the first home VCR’s. Bought it in the mid ‘70s. It played 3/4 inch tapes in cartridges that were the size of today’s Mini Coopers. The machine weighed a thousand pounds. You needed two people to lift one. It cost $1500 in 1976. I bought it to tape shows David Isaacs and I wrote. The salesman was showing me all the nifty features. It had a pause button. I could freeze-frame. There was also a slow-motion feature that allowed me to advance the tape frame by frame. Now, I thought this was fine for me. I could freeze-frame my credit, but why on earth would anyone else want these features? The salesman said, “Schmuck, why do you think people buy these damn machines? To watch porno!” The slow-mo suddenly made perfect sense.

A few years later VHS became the standard. The tape was 1/2 inch, would record up to six hours of content, and the cartridge size went from Mini Cooper to Mini Mac. I bought one of those and my 3/4 inch machine became obsolete. I eventually gave it away. Let the Council of Jewish Women figure out what to do with the freakin’ thing.

But I kept the 3/4 inch tapes I had recorded. And of course I haven’t played any of them for years. God knows how much they've deteriorated over time? At best the color would be smeared and washed out. At worst I’d be looking at dust. Recently, during a spring-cleaning project I discovered a box of these clunky relics. Most were MASH episodes. I now had DVD copies that were far superior in quality to those musty cartridges and took up a fraction of the space so I got rid of them.

But there was one tape I kept – the first pilot David and I were ever associated with. We wrote it for NBC through Universal for the 1976/77 season and it didn’t go. Back then networks aired their unsold pilots in the summer. We used to call this programming FAILURE THEATER. On July 20, 1977 our pilot aired on NBC.

A little backstory: During our early freelance period we met a certain producer who took a liking to us. He had a development deal at Universal. He said if we ever had a pilot idea to bring it to him. We were newbies at the time and couldn’t get in to pitch networks ourselves, but if we were under the umbrella of this veteran writer/producer the networks would hear our spiel.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE had recently premiered and was a huge hit with the younger generation. Our idea was to do a cross between SNL and THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW – a local late night comedy sketch show in San Francisco where the cast also wrote the material. The sensibility of the humor would be very edgy (like SNL).   We were 30 ROCK and STUDIO 60 only 30+ years earlier.

This producer liked it. We took it to NBC and we sold it in five minutes. We came back with an outline that they approved, and a first draft that they loved. Minor notes, a second draft, and based on that script NBC greenlit the pilot. Gee, this pilot stuff was easy! 

At that point we were cut out of the process completely. A producer was brought on board, Bo Kaprall, and he did a page one rewrite, keeping only our premise, basic story structure, and characters. Let’s just say we weren’t thrilled with the results. The casting was terrible. Not that the actors themselves were bad; they were just miscast. (One of the actors we later hired for MASH.)  We had a character who was supposed to be an old Jewish Catskills writer. They hired Pat McCormick. You get the idea.

We were invited to the taping (how nice of them). And I just remember being horribly disappointed with the final result. But that was then. Would time be kind to our first official television pilot?

I have a good friend, Stu Shostak who has the facilities to digitize old tapes. (If you have stuff you want digitized this is your man.) So last week I brought him probably the only remaining copy of THE BAY CITY AMUSEMENT COMPANY and as he made a digital copy I got to screen it again for the first time in 35 years.

OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!!

This was easily the single worst piece of shit I have ever seen. Watching this travesty was like having your wisdom teeth removed without Novocain. And our names were on it. And not just that. Kaprall tried to get shared writing credit and we fought him and won in arbitration. We went to great effort to get our names on this stinkburger. (Why? Because creator credit means royalties for every episode and we didn’t want to surrender any of that, especially to someone who had made the show worse).

The direction was atrocious. Everyone was playing so big and burlesque you wanted to crawl under a chair. Mugging, double and triple takes for every clam joke.  Imagine Jerry Lewis at his most insane wacky zany nutty maniacal  – he was Ben Stein compared to how these actors were asked to perform.   The also wore gorilla suits, loud jackets, cowboy outfits, and were pulled around by their neckties.  I guarantee they tested worse than the Manson Family.

And our names were on it. And back in those days there were only three networks so even if the show finished last in the ratings, more people saw it than last week’s AMERICAN IDOL.

I will give you two examples of actual jokes used in this pilot. Our idea was to have the level of humor edgy and hip like the original SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE remember? Instead, these were the types of gags that made it to air.

The owner of the station was a Gene Autry type. When he tells the writer/performers that he has a problem one says to him (and this is verbatim): “Did your horse make doo doo in the house again?”

Our names are on this!

Later at one of the character’s apartment everyone barges in around dinner time. One asks: “Is that a roast?” And another answers: “No, it’s a chicken in blackface.”

Kaprall WANTED his name on this?! Holy shit!

You will never see this pilot. No one will ever see this pilot. I will never see this pilot again. And I will never say another bad thing about WHITNEY ever again.