IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!!!!

Our journey to Chloe

Tomorrow is Chloe's final adoption hearing. We have a crazy day planned so while I had a free moment today I want to tell you about our journey to Chloe.
If you have been reading my blog from the beginning, you know that we had some major hurdles in starting our family. We went through fertility treatments, bed ridden pregnancies and the tragic losses of our children, Evan, Sophie and Brayden. Our road was not an easy one but one we knew we had to continue traveling. We were blessed to be selected by a couple out of state to adopt their baby girl. Annabelle was born and we were completely happy. We began the renovation and addition of our home right after her first birthday knowing that someday, we would adopt again. One month later, we were in a restaurant with my in-laws when my sister called. Our agency could not get a hold of us and she was our emergency contact. Her words were"Call Malinda right away." Our first thought was that it had something to do with Annabelle. But her adoption was final....they couldn't change their minds...Could they? We ran outside, called our attorney and heard her say"Annabelle is going to be a big sister..in 2 months. Do you want this baby?" Without even asking Chris I screamed"YES!!!!" of coarse, he agreed. We were living out of boxes in half a house but we knew if there was room in our hearts finding room in our house would not be a question. We didn't know if we were going to be blessed with a boy or girl until December 1st when Malinda called and asked what we were going to name our daughter.
December 1st little Chloe Elizabeth was born. Full blooded sisters. We were so blessed. We left that afternoon to make the 18 hour drive to Florida. We met her the next day. She was so beautiful and so tiny. 5 pounds 1 ounce. She was in the hospital for 5 days from some complications but she fought through and has been fighting ever since.
Chloe is light and sunshine. She is smiles, giggles, silliness, cuddles and spirit. She has a grin that stretches across her entire tiny little face. She loves to argue and debate, kiss and hug, test the ever changing waters...your typical two and a half year old! I always say that Chloe filled a hole in my heart I didn't know existed. I thank God everyday for the selflessness of their birth parents. I cannot imagine the strength it took for them to make the decisions they made. The love they have for these little girls . I will be honest. Most of the time when I tell our story I get the reaction "How could they do that. Why did they keep having them?" I will not go into all of the details out of respect for them. All I can say is that I thank God everyday for their actions. I will not judge them. I don't know what I would have done in their position. All I can do is love their babies beyond what they ever could have hoped or imagined. Beyond the moon, the stars, We do!!!

Nine

Today our sweet little angels, Sophie and Brayden are celebrating their 9th Birthday in Heaven.

Nine years.

Every year on this day, the ache comes back just as strong as the day we said Goodbye.

I carry on with my days throughout the year. Live my life.


The every day routine of being a busy wife and mommy.





But on this day, every year. I cry.

I cry for what might have been.

What If .

And what was Meant to Be.

Then I wipe my tears, hug my beautiful daughters, and Thank God that I have three children waiting for me when I get there someday.

I thank Him for blessing me with the love of my two darlings here on Earth.

After we say our prayers for them and sing a sweet birthday song, we send their balloons to meet them in the sky.

At that moment.. my ache is replaced by a sweet peace.

Happy 9th Birthday, our Loving Angels. May God hug you extra tight for me today!

Blessings

Annabelle, Chloe and my neice, Myah. Our adoption Blessings

I just got done putting the girls down for a nap. Every day I do this and it seems so small to some, but to me it is something I waited years to do. I always put Chloe down first. We have a bedtime routine no matter what bedtime it is...if she is going to her crib we have to say our prayers, sing Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle little star ( tinkle tinkle butter dot, as she calls it), Pat a cake, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Rock a bye Baby, Go to Sleep my Baby, Silver Thunderbird by Marc Cohn(daddy's favorite) and Rest for the Weary(Mommy's favorite) also by Marc Cohn. If you can imagine singing Marc Cohn to a 2 year old! It is such a precious time for me. Then Annabelle goes to her room. We have to turn on her Froggy Humidifier, give it hugs and kisses, and have her Baby Einstein Book, Alice the Fairy book, Bandit the dog, Sophie the doll, her Bitty Baby and her favorite blanket. We also have to have 3 fi's( we still have pacifiers, but only at bedtime. That is the reason we have 3. Since taking them from her during the day she has to have one in each hand and one in her mouth when she goes to sleep.) We're working on it. After they are all tucked in and a sense of peace comes over our house, I always count my blessings. It just seems to happen. I cannot go through their nap time without it. We all have our little rituals.

I thank God every day for the joy in my life. We have overcome so much grief and sadness. Someday I will share it with you if you don't already know. But for today, I am blessed in knowing that God has a plan for us and we are living it. I learned a long time ago that life is what happens when you are waiting for it to begin. It is loss, suffering, tears, unbearable ache, longing, holding on, letting go, peace, forgiveness, expectation, joy, loving beyond imagination, every little second is LIFE. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Accept it. LOVE it.

I am counting my Blessings.

Today.

Today.  

Our firstborn son Evan is celebrating his 10th birthday in Heaven.   

Ten Years.   Sometimes it seems like a million years ago.   Others, it seems only yesterday.


Today is one of those days.

It seems like only seconds ago, I was carrying my precious little boy in my belly.  

Only seconds ago that something seemed to be wrong...Mother's Intuition, I suppose.

Only seconds ago that I held him in my arms, kissed his tiny forehead and whispered my goodbyes.   Crying so many tears I thought the room would  flood.

Only seconds ago that we were blessed with the incredible honor of being Evan Christopher's parents.

And it seems a lifetime ago that we were blessed to know that we would see him again.

Happy 10th Birthday, our sweet Evan.  We cannot wait to see your angelic face. 

Someday.

There's always Hope

Photo by Aunt Leslie

Our family is still enjoying our Spring Break..however, I received a very touching e-mail from a dear friend of mine the other day who told me how much my story has impacted her life. I have known her for years but she had never expressed herself like this to me until now. I cried when I read it because I have never thought of myself as an inspiration... most days I feel as if I am merely surviving.

This post was one of my first a few years back. You may have read it already but my friend asked if I would share it with all of you again. Maybe someone out there needs to know that there is hope in the darkest of days. The sun is always shining somewhere. This is for you~T.. Love you!








March 21, 2008

Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything old seems new and fresh again, the days are longer, the nights....a little warmer, and we are constantly reminded of God's love and beauty in everything that surrounds us.
I was sitting here tonight with Chris, Annabelle and Chloe, nursing coughs and runny noses, trying to get my home in order for Easter Sunday, baking and all of the other tasks on my Hostess checklist. I was getting down my Longaberger Easter baskets for the girls that I began collecting before they were even born and a wave of emotion came over me. I started collecting these baskets when I was pregnant for Evan. I began to cry.
Springtime brings many emotions for me. For 3 years, every time Spring came around I was lying in a bed somewhere. When I became pregnant for Evan in February of 2000 I was on bed rest until July. I didn't mind. I loved lying in bed while Chris was mowing the lawn with the scent of fresh cut grass floating in the air. Or the bumblebees feeding on the olive tree that stood right outside our bedroom window. Once in a while Chris would bring in a flower or two from our yard and put it by my bed. We were so excited to finally be pregnant. I would sit and rub my belly and wonder who this little angel was going to look like. If she would be our little Sophie or he, our little Evan. I would have laid in a bed for another four months...or years without uttering a single complaint if that would have saved us the heartache of losing him. It is a pain that is indescribable...I won't even try.
By December of that year we were told by our fertility specialist that we had a small window to try again. We struggled with the thought of going through this all again but we were assured by the physician that delivered Evan that I lost him because I had an incompitant cervix and this could be fixed. We prayed so hard about this and decided that it was in God's Hands. We became pregnant. With Twins! I was overjoyed when we had our first ultrasound and they told us the news. Orders were to go home and get in bed. I did.
We were sent to a doctor in a neighboring city that was said to be the best. He was. We would deliver the babies in this city because they were equipped with NICU and any other thing that we could possibly need. By March, this hospital became my home..our home. I was ordered to permanent bed rest in my 15th week and was not allowed out of bed at all. This meant legs shaved by mom, hair washed in a trashcan, bedpans...all of it. I spent my days looking out the window at the tops of the trees and watching them go from bare branches to beautiful blooms and then to full lush green leaves. Those trees were the way I kept track of what was going on outside. If they were blowing a certain way I knew it was going to rain, and when the apple trees were in bloom I could imagine myself lying underneath them just drinking in the scent. I swore sometimes I could smell them. Every week my sister's in -laws would come visit me. Lynn would always bring me a fresh bouquet of flowers from their home. I always knew what was blooming because he would bring it in for me. Daffodils, lilacs, all of the spring favorites were in my room at one point or another. All I had to do was lay in bed and keep my babies safe. It was easy surrounded by all those pretties.

On May 21st, Sophie and Brayden came into this world. Brayden was stillborn and Sophie lived for a minute and a half. Our hearts were completely shattered. I knew the night I gave birth to these little angels that I would never do this again. I was broken...in so many ways. On so many levels. I was numb. My tears didn't start flowing until a few days later. They flow still. When Evan died I thought that I could never feel this pain again and here I was...at the foot of his grave, burying his brother and sister along side of him ten months later. My faith was never stronger. I had to believe that there was a purpose. I HAD to believe. Or else there was no purpose.

The third Spring, I was 29 years old and having a complete hysterectomy. In April I had my surgery, went home and recovered in my own bed. Six weeks later, I painted our bedroom and began imagining what I would do with the nursery to -be across the hall. I had not been able to do anything to the room during either of my pregnancies so it was still an office. We would use it as an office for the next year and a half until the day we got the call from a friend of a friend that was expecting a baby, knew our story and wanted us to adopt her child. We knew that we would adopt someday but this was out of the blue. Someday became right now. We got the nursery ready, my sister threw me the baby shower she had been waiting for, and when he was born, the birth mother decided to keep him. I was beginning to wonder if our hope of ever having a family would be realized.

The fourth Spring I had realized my dream of being a business owner and event planner. This was a passion of mine. I loved designing weddings and began designing flowers as well. I surrounded myself with beautiful flowers every day. Even in winter...it was Spring somewhere.

The fifth Spring I was sitting in the rocking chair of our nursery looking out the window and a sense of peace came over me. I knew what this was, Who this was, and I decided to pick up the phone, call our adoption attorney and start the rest of my life. Four months later, at the peek of event planning season, I received a phone call at my boutique and was told that we were going to be parents...again. Annabelle was born in August.

The Sixth Spring we were enjoying our new little love and everything precious about her. She was so much fun. I loved watching her discover all of the joys of my favorite season. My days of event planning were done.

By the seventh Spring Annabelle was already a year and a half and a BIG sister. Chloe was born in December of 2005 and she and Annabelle are full -blooded sisters. Every spring since has been such a joy. They are growing so fast, turning into these adorable little people that I love more than I ever dreamed I could.

The memories of those Springs, no matter how painful , are ones I will always treasure. I have three beautiful babies looking down on me every moment of my life. And I know that the voices I heard in the rocking chair on that Spring day were theirs...Telling me that there is always hope.

In loving memory of our son, Evan Christopher

**** I wrote this post last year on Evan's 8th birthday. Today, our precious son is celebrating his 9th birthday in Heaven along with his little sister Sophie and her twin brother, Brayden. I am struggling with words this year...maybe because the one phone call I always looked forward to was from my dad. My dad never forgot to wish his grandchildren a Happy Birthday. We would talk about the night Evan was born and how special it was to him that he had been there the night we placed our firstborn son in God's Hands. My Dad is not with me today but he is with Evan and I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt... that they are sailing the ships of Heaven together. ***


It has been eight years since we said "Goodbye" to our little boy. He was stillborn July 9th 2000. My heart aches for him today..everyday.

Tonight I sat here writing my memories of the night he was born. I have kept those words private but have managed to compose myself enough to share this with you.

I have been crying, smiling, remembering the love that surrounded us that day. Our family and friends were incredible and honestly, with their love and lots of prayers, we survived the worst heartache a parent can imagine. We lost dreams, hopes, and have held on to "what might have been"s." I know where he is. I know he and his little brother Brayden and sister, Sophie are safe in the arms of our Lord. Watching over us every day and blowing kisses in the wind.

Chris and I love the Great Lakes...especially Lake Michigan and had dreamed of taking our children there and hoping that they would love it as much as we do. We had purchased a sailboat quilt for his nursery and could not wait for our first trip up north with our baby. On one occasion during my pregnancy, Chris had surprised me with tickets to see Jim Brickman in concert. We spent the weekend in Traverse City and toured the little shops and galleries of the harbor towns. We had met an artist in Leland and fell in love with her work. Chris had told me that day that when our baby was born, we would buy a painting from her for the nursery.

We lost Evan on July 9th and had a small graveside service for him on July 11th. We felt it only fitting to play "Ships of Heaven " for our little boy. The service was filled with every blue hydrangea in town and all of our loved ones sprinkled petals over his casket and said their goodbyes.( Those blue hydrangea now surround our home and continue to bloom and grow.) It was so beautiful. The skies were blue, the wind was calm and we knew our little Evan was sailing through the clouds at that very moment.

A few weeks later, I was sitting in his empty room and decided to call the artist we had met. I told her who I was and she remembered us and was so heartbroken to hear our news.After speaking with her and telling her our dreams for him, she created this beautiful painting and poem.


The Morning sunrise was brilliant
Lake Michigan was at its most calm-
The tiny little sailboat felt so happy and free--
as he knew he was held in the Lord's palm.

"I'll be sailing on the ships of Heaven
and if you just look up and see,
I'm at the helm of my little sailboat
and it's named the 'Evan C'."

Oh how I miss you, my sweet son. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Angels.

Eight years ago at this very moment, I was preparing to deliver my sweet son, Brayden and praying for a miracle for Sophie....praying that although her brother had died moments earlier in my belly, that somehow, some way, she would survive...she did. As Chris held Brayden's lifeless little body in his arms, we waited anxiously to see what was to happen. Sadly, Sophie decided that she did not want to live on this earth without her brother and she was delivered shortly after...surviving for a minute and a half. I remember that moment like it was just seconds ago. The ache, the longing, the what might have been's never go away.

Every year on their birthday, we send balloons to our precious little angels in Heaven. It is our way of remembering the short time we held them and celebrating the Eternity that Jesus is enjoying with them. This year is extra special for them...Papa is holding them today.

Happy Birthday Sophie and Brayden.. Your balloons are on their way. We love and miss you more than any words can ever say!!!

In Loving Memory of Sophie and Brayden

May 21st, soo8

Today our twins, Sophie and Brayden would be 7 years old. I cannot believe it has been seven years since I got to hold my sweet little babies in my arms and tell them "Goodbye." It was the most precious night of my life. My heart aches for them every day but I know they are in a place far more beautiful than I can imagine. I know that ALL of my little angels are watching over me.
Every year on their birthdays(Evan would be 8 in July) we fly balloons to remind us of where they are and where we will one day be. When Sophie and Brayden died, an artist painted this beautiful painting for me and Chris. We had commissioned a painting from her when Evan died and then again when we lost Sophie and Brayden. She wrote a poem along with it and I treasure it so deeply. I hope it brings hope and light to those of you who have also felt this heartache. I am hugging you all from here.


"Did You See Our Balloons Today?"

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Did you see our balloons today? Maybe they went by swiftly... and just drifted away.
We have a message tucked inside those little balloons... and we hope you find them really soon.
But if you can't find them for a day, a year, or maybe a long long while,
This is what we wrote for you- We have to tell you right now....


Dear Mommy and Daddy,
We are doing just fine. We are as safe and happy as we can be.
We are in God's loving hands, sometimes sleeping in his arms, sometimes sitting at his knee.
He tells us all stories and we pray as he holds us so tight...
And the most wonderful prayer was the one we prayed last night.
As we kneeled and looked up into his eyes..
...so tenderly

He whispered softly-
"Someday" he said, " There will be two other sets of loving arms reaching out for you three,
then I will hand you over to your Mommy and Daddy ...
... FOR ALL ETERNITY."

So, Mommy and Daddy, when you see bright happy shining balloons dancing in the sky...
You know it's your Brayden, your Sophie and I.

Love,
Evan Christopher



Happy Birthday Sophie Glenn and Brayden Sterling. We miss you!!!