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A Unifying Election Night or America’s Last Election?

It has not escaped your correspondent's attention that the nation's political temperature is dangerously high as this year's election approaches. One party proposes to elect a president who may be hard to arouse from his nap in the event of a nuclear attack. The other champions a maniacal felon with limited cognition. Regardless of outcome, half the country will be outraged by the result. In short, it could be January 6 all over again, replete with violent mobs from all sectors of the Diversity, Equity, Inclusion spectrum, but hopefully better dressed than in 2021. Yes, the Big Question facing the nation this election season is not "Who Will Win?" but, "Can America Survive Another Year of Democracy?" By providing We The People access to social media, the Tech Bros have made that increasingly difficult. They should be re-thinking the wisdom of putting 340 million Americans (regardless of I.Q.) in constant touch with each other to express their opinions, when school test results suggest that many Americans are not on speaking terms with speaking terms. Our Right to Free Speech notwithstanding, the nation's political dialogue is not only inflammatory but grammatically incorrect. Indeed, exchanges have devolved into little more than competing screams, insults and threats HURLED IN ALL CAPS into the raging digitized bonfire. These days, we can't be sure that the other person reaching for that same can of beans on the supermarket shelf is not a fascist/commie/Demo/GOP'er/Gaza-guzzling/Hamas-hunting/Houthi-hugging/Hitler-loving/Al Qaida-kissing whack-job trying to take food from the mouths of our children. If nightly news is any indication, everyone seems more than eager to fight, or exchange very rude gestures. Fortunately, staff (who will remain anonymous to minimize mis-spelled death threats) has suggested a way to invite everyone to safely vent their political rage AND bring Democrats and Republicans in our little Valley together for a Unifying Election Night of shared wine, laughs and joyfully venomous spitting. What has been proposed is a "Celebration of Unity," with hugs all around, regardless of who wins. Ready? First, prominent citizens will demonstrate their command of common sense by asking the Fire Department to OK the following celebration: 1) Politically opposed factions of participants will each fashion a larger-than-life replica – an Effigy – of the candidate they hate, revile, ridicule and despise, dressed in as-seen-on-TV apparel and stuffed with straw, toilet paper, Prevagen, campaign speeches, jury verdicts, etc., etc. 2) On election night, with great fanfare, each faction will transport its Opposing Candidate's Effigy to Sonoma's Plaza in a honking caravan of cars, trucks and tractors bedecked in flags (American, Confederate, etc.) of their choosing. 3) With ostentatious ceremony and music, each faction will stand its Opposing Candidate's Effigy on an elevated platform in front of City Hall, clearly visible to the assembled cheering/booing throngs of opposing haters/supporters. 4) When the polls close and the vote is announced – and regardless of who wins – each faction will ceremoniously (e.g., with strong drink and shouted epithets) set their Opposing Candidate Effigy ablaze, cheering/jeering/blowing horns/etc. as the flames roar skyward. 5) As the smoke clears and ashes are extinguished, all participants will seek out and embrace – Yes! – opponents who have set fire to the effigy of their candidate. Hugs and wine boisterously and generously shared. As the City Hall clock strikes midnight, both factions join – as Americans! – to loudly toast the newly elected, and possibly last, President of the United States.

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A Unifying Election Night or America’s Last Election?

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