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From today's featured article 

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Captain Autofellatio is a noble and powerful superhero. His powers include a slightly longer than usual penis and an unusually flexible spine. Captain Autofellatio uses these powers to keep citizens safe from harm and to give himself oral pleasures. Well, mostly to give himself oral pleasures.

Along with his compatriots in arms, Captain Obvious, Captain Understatement, and Captain Oblivious, Captain Autofellatio forms one-fourth of the powerful superhero team, The Good Four. The team had originally called themselves the Fantastic Four, but were sued for copyright infringement, and when it came time to rename their squad their hearts just weren't in it. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)
  • ... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
  • ... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
  • ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
  • ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
  • ... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
  • ... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
  • ... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?

In the news 

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Kamala Harris announces her VP pick

On this day 

August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
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  • 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
  • 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
  • 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
  • 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium, a local looks up from his waffles and remarks "This seems somehow familiar."
  • 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
  • 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
  • 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
  • 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers in black helicopters.
  • 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.

Picture of the day

Jesus on Raptor
 Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account. From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE)

Image credit: Tshell
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