Jane the Virgin recap: 'Chapter 67'

If you want to experience a complicated family dynamic, look no further than Jane Villanueva’s inner circle. There are mothers and fathers who don’t have romantic relationships but still live with each other. There are mothers and fathers who do have romantic relationships but live with other pregnant women. There are half-siblings running around everywhere. Big twins. Little twins. Lovers. Business partners. Business partners pretending to be lovers. And a whole lotta secret keeping.

When Jane was young, she stumbled into the kitchen to find Xo’s boyfriend holding a knife. in his defense, he was cooking, but needless to say, the ordeal scared Jane enough to scare her for life. Now she is extremely particular about who Mateo meets. So it’s a testament to how much the showrunners want us to love Tyler Posey and his tattoos that they crank Adam and Jane’s relationship into overdrive. His roommates get it! They even comment on how Adam has skipped the panic zone and is setting up shop in Janeland.

Jane devises a plan where Adam will be slowly introduced into the picture a few months down the road. He will win over her son with grilled cheese, gummy bears, and baseball. Until then, Adam can only come over when the coast is clear. It’s a simple game of covert affairs. Once Rafael takes Mateo to school, Jane signals Adam to come inside. With a few dramatic whisks of the window curtains, a couple of flicks of the front porch light, and an intricate door knocking regime, Adam is clear to enter the Mateo-free premises.

See? It’s complicated.

Since neither Jane nor Adam have traditional jobs, they can horizontal tango all morning long. However, all ardent activities come to an end when Jane receives a text message from her publisher. It’s a mockup of her book cover and it leans way too much in the red-spine Fabio category of naughty romance novels. The photo screams s-e-x, and Jane isn’t having it. She asks Adam his opinion and he wisely volleys that it’s a lot easier to judge a book by the cover when you’ve actually read the book.

Touché.

Across town, Rafael does a little tangoing of his own. With Katherine. You remember the woman he doesn’t actually like but is sleeping with to get the Marbella back. The deal is quite elementary: She will buy the hotel, hire Rafael to run it, set up a payment plan for him to buy it back over time, and she gets to skim money from the top. P.S.: Luisa will never know.

Because “it’s complicated,” I can assure you that Luisa may not necessarily find out, but Petra’s mom certainly will. Why else would she be back on the scene dressing Anna and Elsa in eye patches and hooked arms? Magda threatens to turn the little sisters into pickpockets if Petra doesn’t sign Luisa’s paperwork to buy the Marbella. Petra caves and offers to pay her mom and Anezka more than what Luisa is paying them if they just leave town. She’s shocked when Magda touts that Luisa is giving them a million dollars, but it all makes sense when Anezka chimes in that it’s a million in Czech currency. At $46,000, Anezka thinks they are rich! Petra rolls her eyes and laughs.

The next day, Jane implements Mateo Protocol with all the flashes and knocks. I found myself wondering if these jokers ever go to work, and also, does Adam just hang around Jane’s neighborhood waiting for a light to flicker? Isn’t this what texting is for?

Adam receives the bat signal and heads in the house after Alba has safely taken Mateo to the park. They make out on the couch like a couple of rookies, because that’s when Mateo runs back into the house, sees a man giving his mom a “special hug,” and then proceeds to punch the bad man straight in the face while screaming, “DON’T HURT MY MOMMY!”

Mateo is my hero.

While Jane teaches Mateo about “special kisses,” Rogelio learns that Esteban Santiago has been giving those same special kisses to Darci. Over and over and over again. How does he know? Because they are doing it in the room Rogelio decorated for Darci on set. What’s worse is that Esteban is slowly inching in on Rogelio’s dad turf. Esteban cries during Darci’s sonogram. He’s overwhelmed by the heartbeat of an unborn child, that isn’t his, and the woman who’s about to birth that child, that he’s known for a week.

Again. It’s complicated.

Things aren’t going well at the Villanueva house either. Rafael heard about the punching incident and although he probably secretly loves that his kid clocked the dude who’s seeing his baby mama, he uses Alba’s dislike for 18-year-old Adam as an excuse to openly hate current Adam. Jane convinces Rafael to have a meal with the two of them so he can get to know the man who is very important to her.

Speaking of things that are very important, Rogelio is excited to announce that he’s pulled some strings and has arranged for his baby to undergo her world premiere at the Ricky Martin Celebrity Birthing Suite. Hooray! But before Ro can shake his bon-bon in celebration, Darci and Esteban announce simultaneously that they will be having a home birth. Clearly they are livin’ la vida loca.

Back at the Marbella, Jane clocks in a few hours to take care of a nightmare of a customer. The woman complains about the limp salad and temperature of the chicken. Jane comps the meal, arranges for a new dish to be served, and whines to Petra about the obnoxious “lady in white.” Petra happily reports to Jane that the lady in white is none other than Katherine Cortes — the lady in Rafael’s bed, who he is sleeping with so he can get the hotel back.

Jane finds Rafael for their lunch date with Adam. Relieved that her boyfriend is late, Jane spends the extra time challenging Rafael about using Katherine for business. He retorts, “It’s not like she’s meeting Mateo” just as Adam arrives. Then he gives Adam the third degree, quizzing him on car seats and hypothetical situations of Mateo being on a roof. TRICK QUESTION! Mateo should never be on a roof! (Recap continues on page 2)

Meanwhile, Magda and Anezka try and renegotiate their business deal with Luisa. Magda reminds Luisa that she has been known to use brute force or blunt trauma when necessary to get what she wants in life. Luisa trumps her threat by reminding the mother-daughter duo that her girlfriend is an international crime lord. She’s not scared. #burn

Once Jane and Rafael return home, Jane accuses Rafael of being too hard on Adam. Rafael claims he doesn’t trust Adam, so Jane agrees that he will never be alone with Mateo. Even though Rafael doesn’t like Adam, he’ll be cordial. Unfortunately, Mateo overhears the conversation and decides to hate Adam with a passion, because he wants to be just like his daddy.

Fast forward two weeks. Rafael and Adam take Mateo to a ball game to bond. But before they leave, Adam quickly tells Jane that her novel is “really good.” He kisses her on the cheek and bolts out the door. Jane spins out of control because “really good” is “really annoying.” Does this mean he doesn’t like it?

Perhaps. But the good news is that Adam really likes Mateo. They bond over super heroes and Mateo’s newfound power of freezing time and the feeling becomes mutual. When Adam bounds up the stairs to get some cotton candy, Rafael notices a text message from a woman who is “ready for him to come over.” The accompanying boob shot is concerning to Rafael. Clearly the mystery woman and Adam need to work out some sort of convoluted signals so that blatant sexting doesn’t take place out in the open.

And then there was the sperm. Oh, you read that sentence correctly. Esteban is on set dressed as sperm and Rogelio is the defender of the fallopian tubes. Let’s not get into details, okay? Blame it on the telenovela. What you really need to know is that Rogelio implores Esteban to convince Darci to not have a home birth. This does not go over well. Xo mediates the argument, explaining to Rogelio that it’s Darci’s body. She can do whatever she wants and they will help her however they can.

Darci smiles and thanks Xo for understanding. Good news! The baby is going to be born in a kiddie pool with smooth jazz music playing in Ro and Xo’s living room! How fun is this?

Across town, Jane confesses to Adam that Rafael saw his text message from the cleavage girl. Although they never defined the relationship, she understands if he wants to see other people. Adam shuts that train of thought down and shows Jane what he’s been working on. The girl is a friend who has been helping him design a cover for Jane’s book. He presents his gift and Jane begins to cry. The boob shot was of the woman on the cover. The girl was sending Adam an example of tasteful cleavage, which is apparently a thing. Adam loves Jane’s book. And Jane loves Adam’s cover.

There’s so much love in the air, but it’s all fake at Katherine’s abode. She’s not an idiot and suspects that Rafael is playing the field. She wants to make sure that this isn’t a fling because she wants a real relationship. And if Rafael is serious about her, he will introduce her to his children. Rafael whole-heartedly agrees and then blatantly blames Jane for not being able to grant that wish. He explains that Jane has a three-month rule about meeting significant others, and if you cross her, the rage monster comes out to play.

Katherine takes this information and confronts Jane. She informs the monster that Rafael is a big part of her life and that this is real. She’s not afraid of Jane’s temper and has a way of throwing down herself. Also, in a few weeks, she’s going to be Jane’s boss since she’s buying the Marbella with Rafael, so buckle up. Both walk away in a huff as Magda comes around the corner. Of course she heard everything! Magda immediately blackmails Petra who promises to give her mom and sister 10 percent of the sale (U.S. currency this time!) as long as they leave America and never come back. Then Petra calls Rafael to tell him to close the deal, no matter what. “Once you throw out the line, catch the fish.”

But Rafael has bigger fish to fry. Jane is not a happy camper that she has been labeled a “rage monster” to the woman Rafael is using, not to mention the fact that Katherine seems to think Raf is in it for the long haul. Rafael explodes. He’s nervous about his money and his hotel. He wants his life back! Jane calmly explains that there’s more to Rafael’s life than money. Look at the big picture. Rafael’s face softens. He promises to step back and assess the situation. Then he takes his three children to meet the woman he’s sleeping with to get back his business.

Rogelio is assessing situations, too, but his is a little more chaotic at the moment. Darci is in a birthing pool writhing in pain as Esteban cheerleads from the side. When Darci demands to go to the hospital, Esteban takes matters into his own hands by stripping down and submerging himself into the birthing pool with Darci. As Esteban supports Darci, Rogelio feels his daughter slipping away from him. Xo encourages Rogelio to “get in there.” Rogelio takes the comment literally and joins the pair in the tub. The three take control of this birth and welcome a daughter into the world. All together. All together in that particular birthing pool water.

Let’s move on, shall we?

Jane receives the news that she has a new baby sister. Adam and Mateo perform a commemorative dance to help memorialize the day as Jane watches with her heart in her throat. As her tears begin to flow, Mateo asks for a private audience with Adam. He wants to go to the porch swing (that doesn’t swing) where all the big talks happen in his family. Mateo looks Adam in the eyes and tells him that his mom cried for a really long time after Michael died. He makes Adam promise that he will never hurt his mom’s feelings, or die. Later that night, Jane crawls into bed with a stoic Adam. In the cover of darkness he whispers, “I’m panicking.”

To make matters worse, Rose sends Luisa a friend to help her get the signed papers from Petra. His plan is to burn the Marbella to the ground so they can collect the insurance money.

Okay, I think we have officially surpassed complicated.