Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My mom was from another country and gave me her last name and a traditional one from her culture. She died when I was 4 and I was handed off to my father and his new wife who did everything they could to scrub the “stain” of my mother off me. I have vivid memories of getting scolded for speaking in my mother’s native tongue as it was bad and wrong. Worst of all, when his wife adopted me, they changed my name completely. And I don’t mean they Americanized it—like Agnieszka to Agnes, but rather like Sakura to Ashley. My father’s wife was only interested in me as a doll to play house with until my sister and brother were born when I was in middle school. Then I was an afterthought when I was thought of at all.
In college, I made an effort to take back what was stolen from me. I relearned my native tongue, learned to cook traditional food, and converted religions. I also legally changed my name back and didn’t tell my family until I graduated. My father and his wife acted hurt, confused, and just shocked. It was a huge slap in their faces according to them. This has left a serious on-again and off-again estrangement. When they use my old name, I hang up and don’t speak to them. I have left visits midway when they disrespect me or disregard my wishes. This has caused a lot of conflict with my paternal side including my grandmother and aunt that I am close to. They think what my father and his wife did was a “mistake” but that I was taking things too far. This has left me bereft of a strong support system which is why this fight with my boyfriend has me freaked out.
I love him. We are talking about marriage. I am willing to take his last name, but I want any kids we have to have traditional names from my culture. And there is a lot of overlap with very popular baby names! Think Anya, Anna, Mari, or Ren. Or we could find the local equivalent to name them after a relative. My boyfriend says I am basically hijacking any of our future children by doing this and I need to stop acting on my culture. He later apologized for the remark but it still has my nerves jangling. He has always been in my corner when my family acts like I am crazy and now he is treating me like I am. Is this a hill to die on?
—Always an Exile
Dear Always an Exile,
I do think it’s a hill to die on! Let me explain: By being in a relationship with someone whose instinct is to be dismissive and disrespectful toward the culture that means so much to you, you have recreated the exact dynamic you dealt with growing up. I wonder if this feels familiar and therefore, kind of comfortable, even as it hurts you. If so, you wouldn’t be the first person to fall into that kind of pattern, choosing a romantic partner who stirs up bad childhood feelings. But I want better for you. You deserve a spouse who not only accepts your connection to your culture, but embraces it so enthusiastically that your wounds begin to heal. It’s not this guy. You’re better off alone (as scary as I know that is) than with one more person who makes you feel crazy.
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Dear Prudence,
I had a medical check-up in high school and then, for the next 40-odd years, nothing. I’m a guy—I didn’t do doctors. That changed during the delightful global sniffles fest of 2020 and onwards. I have started getting regular check-ups which have revealed high blood pressure, arrhythmia, and a few other issues of age, so I guess doctors are now part of my life. The problem is that I have absolutely no clue about how to manage these relationships. I don’t know how to advocate for myself, express my needs, or determine where my interests lie. I am quite functional in other areas of life but I am finding it hard to address some issues, not sure I trust my practitioner, and have no idea of what to ask or expect. Is this normal? Is there a resource that explains how to get the best out of your physician?
—Not Used to Being a Sicko
Dear Not Used to Being a Sicko,
I don’t know what you do for a living but think about your professional peers. I’m sure some of them are brilliant and delightful to be around and take the work seriously. And some (people in the very same role!) do the very minimum, make everything hard, or are generally a headache to interact with. Doctors are no different. Many are passionate about helping their patients and put thought into creating an environment where people will feel comfortable, and others just want to get through the day and go home. In the middle are likely a bunch who mean well and are doing their best but are overwhelmed by the demands placed on them by their employers, insurance companies, and the many patients they have to see during long, draining days. So they may not have a lot to offer you. I mention all of this to say, it’s worth finding one of the good ones who has the time for you. Beyond that, you want someone you click with—who inspires trust and makes you feel at ease in their presence. So I know it’s a hassle, but start to look for new providers. Personally, I like to read all of the reviews I can find or ask for personal recommendations.
Once you’ve identified someone who feels right (specifically, I’d say the feeling you’re searching for after a visit is relief, satisfaction that your questions have been answered, and possibly even a little excitement about your treatment plan and how it will help you), you can make sure to use some of the following tactics—which I’ve collected from various corners of the internet—to get the most out of your visits:
1. Show up with written notes. It’s so easy to forget your questions or what you want to say about your symptoms when you’re sitting on the exam table in a paper gown. So write down everything you’ve been experiencing in as much detail as possible. And make sure to list all your questions, too.
2. Don’t minimize your symptoms. Many of us hate to seem like we’re whining or complaining, but this is the time to do it!
3. Talk about how your symptoms are impacting your daily life.
4. Ask follow-up questions if you don’t understand something.
5. Bring along copies of any medical records that the doctor doesn’t yet have.
6. Take notes during the visit. You don’t want to sit there nodding and smiling and then go home and wonder, “Wait, what did she say?”
7. Bring a friend with you. If you struggle to advocate for yourself, they can help. It’s also just nice to have company.
Finally, this is controversial, but I’m not opposed to some light Googling and WebMD sleuthing before your appointment. Not because the information you come across will make you more informed than the doctor, but because hearing them echo what you’ve already found might be reassuring. And if they seem to be missing something big, you can simply ask (without revealing that you are working on your search engine-based, unaccredited medical degree), “Is it possible it could be X,” or “Would you consider testing me for Y”?
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Dear Prudence,
My in-laws are both truly lovely people but they should have divorced 20 years ago when they became empty nesters and realized they had nothing in common. Instead, they are together and miserable. The overarching issue is that my FIL is what I would call a “benign/functional alcoholic.” He drinks too much in the evening (not all day), tells the same stories over and over, and falls asleep in the recliner nightly. He doesn’t drive drunk and isn’t belligerent or mean. He does fall occasionally and has had a few trips to the emergency room because of that. My MIL is over it, understandably. She says she can’t make new friends in their community for fear of embarrassment but she refuses to do things without him. He could care less about her, new friends, or his drinking. By his own admission, he just wants to eat, drink, and be merry until he sees his grave. Based on longevity in both their families, we are looking at another zero to 20 years.
The actual reason I am writing is because they are supposed to be moving into our in-law suite at the end of the year. This has been the plan for many years when they helped us with the down payment for this specific house for this reason. But right now I don’t want this dynamic between them infecting my household, my marriage, and my kids. My husband is very involved but we are both at a loss. We can’t take one without the other but I can’t have them fighting like this. What kind of ultimatum would work here?
—Stuck Between a Bottle and a Hard Place
Dear Stuck Between a Bottle,
Any chance you can afford to return the down payment money and encourage them to find a senior community? If not, unfortunately when your in-laws wrote that check that allowed you to become a homeowner, this is the deal you made. Let them have their unhealthy dynamic in the in-law suite, with the door closed. Rules like “If you’ve had more than two drinks, we’re not comfortable having you in the main house” and “Do not behave belligerently around our children” are totally reasonable. Of course, you’ll still be aware of a lot of what’s going on, which won’t be pleasant. But when they’re at each other’s throats, remind yourself that they are adults who chose each other and this is the kind of relationship and life they have (for whatever reason) decided works for them.
Depending on your children’s ages, you can, at some point over the next 10 to 20 years, be honest with them: “Grandma and grandpa make some choices that are not very healthy and don’t make them happy. We wish they wouldn’t but they are grown-ups and can do what they want as long as they don’t hurt anyone.” The more you can mentally detach from their behavior, the better. So really practice saying to yourself, “That’s not my problem.” After all, it would be a shame if you got your house in exchange for agreeing to put them up and then couldn’t enjoy living there.
Dear Prudence,
I love my husband. He is a stand-up guy who always tries to do the right thing, but right now, we are arguing about what that is. I am currently pregnant and have a toddler. He has a 6-year-old son with his ex (they were never married). She has been unemployed for a while and is facing eviction. Obviously, my stepson can come and live with us full-time. The problem is his 12-year-old half-sister, “Mia.” His ex wants Mia to come live with us so she can stay in the same school district. “Temporarily” until she gets on her feet.
I am completely opposed to this. One, we literally don’t have room for me (we have a three-bedroom apartment). Two, our finances are already stretched thin as it is. Three, my husband has no legal rights to Mia. Four, Mia has been openly hostile toward me and my child, the few times we have interacted (her mother hates that my husband married me and not her after she broke up with him). This has disaster spelled all over it.
My husband wants to “try it” for the summer, meaning the care of Mia will fall on me since I am a stay-at-home mom. I am this close to packing my bags and moving in with my mother. Mia has a father who lives out of state and grandparents on both sides. They might not be the best, but it isn’t like she or her mother would be sleeping on the streets. Maybe this makes me a horrible person, but I already have my hands full as is. This is too much to ask. How do I convince my husband of this?
—Too Much
Dear Too Much,
I’m not surprised that he wants to try it! He gets to be a generous guy who always tries to do the right thing, while you are forced to be the person who does the actual work of doing what he agreed to. Work that sounds very challenging and potentially harmful to your child, by the way. I don’t know that you need to convince him as much as you just need to say no. He should be the one trying (and failing) to convince you!
Classic Prudie
After my parents divorced when I was a teen, my father (with whom I’ve never been very close) remarried another woman, and they were together almost 20 years. A year ago, she died of cancer. She was survived by a sister, who recently lost her husband. My father and his sister-in-law have been spending an awful lot of time together lately, and he constantly finds reasons to bring her name into our conversations…
