Slate Plus members get more Care and Feeding every week. Have a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Submit it here!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My fiancé “Ian” and I are getting married in November (which is great!). The problem is my sister “Zoe.” Zoe recently finalized her divorce after years in an acrimonious marriage. A few days ago, Zoe phoned me with a request that nearly made me fall over.
She asked that Ian and I postpone our wedding for at least a year because it was “too soon” for her to bear in the wake of her divorce.
Ian and I got engaged a little over a year ago. The preparations for our wedding are in the final stages and the invitations have already been sent out, so Zoe is very much aware of where things stand. I told her as much, and said that while I was very sorry for what she was going through, I couldn’t change our plans even if I were willing to. Zoe tore into me, accusing me of being selfish and having no regard for her “suffering.” I again expressed my sympathy for what she was dealing with and said that I would understand if she found it too difficult to attend the wedding, but postponement was off the table. That earned me more screaming and guilting. I told her that the choice of whether to attend the wedding or not was hers, and ended the call. An hour later, our mother called to tell me I was being unreasonable and that it was “incredibly unkind” of me to go forward with the wedding “given how emotionally fragile your sister is right now,” and couldn’t I just compromise and delay getting married for six months? When I refused, she put my dad on the phone to pressure me as well.
I stood my ground and got them to back off for the moment, but Zoe is a lifelong drama queen and they have always danced on her strings to avoid triggering a meltdown from her, so I’m certain this won’t be the last I hear about this from them or her. As furious as I am (though hardly surprised) that Zoe dragged our parents into this, I’m on the fence about disinviting her.
On the one hand, it would make things even worse with my parents’ guilt-tripping and lobbying for postponement, but on the other, if I don’t disinvite her I’m worried about her making a scene in front of everybody. Ian thinks we should write all three of them off and proceed with the wedding without them (thankfully his parents are funding it). There’s no way I’m putting my wedding off, but this has cast a pall over what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. Should I rescind Zoe’s invitation and let the chips fall where they may, or leave it as it is and hope she decides to no-show?
—Bummed Bride
Dear Bummed,
It’s a tough situation, no doubt, with possible pain no matter what you choose. Telling your parents and sister they’re no longer welcome at your wedding is certainly your right, if that’s what you want. It is also the kind of step that could cause a serious, perhaps even permanent, rift between you. Maybe you’ll decide that you’re ok with that because you’re sick of the family dynamic—I get that it’s wearying to see your parents constantly enabling your sister’s “drama.” If you tell them all to skip your big day, though, you need to be sure you can live with the potential fallout.
Based on what you know of your family members, do you think it’s possible that they will be able to let this go before your wedding (or at least not make their feelings your problem!) and behave themselves? If you think there’s any possibility of that happening, it’s ok to keep working and hoping for that; you’ve still got a little time. For now, I think you should just let yourself process what’s happened, vent to whomever you want, try to take care of yourself, etc. Then let your family know that, as you’ve already said, you’re getting married in November as planned, and you still hope they’ll show up ready to celebrate with you on your wedding day.
After that, you can see how they react. They may see that your mind’s made up, decide that they don’t want to miss out on your wedding, and get over themselves—at least, enough to show up and be on reasonably good behavior. If, on the other hand, they keep haranguing you and make it clear that they have no intention of being gracious at your wedding, you can tell them that their invitations are in jeopardy, and follow through if that’s what you want.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
I am the parent of a wonderful fourth grader with an anxiety disorder. All his life, he has had a hard time with “challenges”: Things that are too hard trigger his anxiety and he folds up, making himself physically small, and often falls into a spiral of shame and anger. But no one seems to have any advice about how to help him through this, and it’s a microcosm of the larger challenge of parenting kids with anxiety: They need controlled exposure to the things that trigger their anxiety, but they naturally try to avoid them. Do you have any advice?
