I’m in love with my wife - and her best friend. What do I do?
110 Comments
Kate de Brito
Monday, February 14, 2011 at 08:22amDear Bossy: I’m stuck. I have been with my current partner for 7 years, married for 4 of those years. We have a 1 year old daughter. I love my wife, sure we have our ups and downs but our relationship is pretty solid.
However, there is a problem. I am in love with another as well, and surprise surprise it is her best friend. I know what you’re thinking but this isn’t just about me wanting to “scratch an itch”. I have known my wifes best friend for as long as I have known her, and we are all best of mates. She too is also married.
We’ve always had a strictly platonic relationship, but always had a connection as well. We have also talked about how we feel for each other, but have never crossed the boundary into anything physical, nor would we.
Now I’m not for a minute suggesting that I split with my wife to pursue some fantasy relationship with another, I realise how ridiculous that sounds and is. I’ve read countless stories on this blog about people who do that. The grass is never greener.
But I’m struggling. I actually love this woman, I know she loves me too, I have known her for 7 years. But I still love my wife. I’m really not sure what to do as it pains me to see her. It’s not really an option to stop seeing her either due to her relationship with my wife.
Please don’t judge me, I’m not some creepy husband looking for some action on the side, I’m actually deeply in love with someone else and at a complete loss what to do. I’m not going to have an affair. Should I be happy just having her in my life as a close friend and take comfort and joy from that? Or do I do the opposite? Why won’t these feelings just go away? I have tried avoiding her but it is hard.
Short of us moving to another town, what is the solution here?
Cheers, Lost
PS. And before anyone says it, yes the threesome idea was thrown around once but my wife backed out.
Bossy says: Well, Happy Valentines Day,Lost. I have to say it sucks to be you. This sort of relationship angst can be incredibly stressful and debilitating.
In the end you may have no choice except to move town, at least if you want to save your marriage.
I am not judging you and I don’t think you are a creepy hubby. I do think you are going through something quite normal. They even made a movie about it. Its called the Seven year itch.
It means that while you love your wife you have started to wonder ‘what if?”.
I hope with hindsight you can see where you made your biggest mistake: discussing your feelings with your wife’s friend. When you did that you opened the door to greater intimacy. You invited her confidences. You invited her to confess: “I feel the same way”. That was stupid and a violation of the trust between you and your wife.
Personally I think you should tell your missus. It’s probably the best way you have of saving your marriage. But depending on your wife’s personality it could also be like setting off a nuclear bomb on your door step. So be ready for that.
If you don’t say anything to your wife you will continue to build walls of secrecy in your marriage. This further destroys your intimacy. And estranges you further from your wife.
Say nothing further on the matter to your wife’s friend. Yes, it will be hard to see her, but depending on whether you tell your wife you may not be seeing her for very much longer anyway.
Bottom line. You have to man up. Ask yourself what is important to you. This marriage? Or a “connection” with her best friend?
I’m not denying you have real feelings for this woman. But there are many opportunities for “connections” and “feelings” in our life. And your situation, while intensely personal to you, is actually depressingly pedestrian.
What matters is what you do from now. Do you see it for what it really is and turn your attention back to your marriage, or do you chase the thrill? Because as much as you say you are not just looking for some action on the side, you are looking for something and this woman represents that for you.
If you really love your wife you will put this friendship back where it is supposed to be. Otherwise say goodbye to your marriage.
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Kate de Brito
Got a question? Ask Bossy. No-holds-barred advice from modern-day agony aunt Kate de Brito. It's the advice your friends and relatives are probably too polite to give.
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If a threesome is out of the question just fantasis about the other woman when you’re doing your wife.
It’s the next best thing
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:28am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:45am)
good advise coming from someone that lays on his arm until its numb and then pulls himself off so it kind feels like a cheap prozzie is doing it without spending the 20 bucks.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:10am)
I wonder if the OP is Tiger Woods...?
Mon 14 Feb 11 (01:07pm)
I don’t have the co-ordination to do that, Corporal. Your mum is a great cheap prozzie, though. She even does Two-for Tuesday
Mon 14 Feb 11 (01:19pm)
yep. close your eyes and think of the queen!
CTT, how do you know how much a cheap prozzie costs?
You’re married. You’re not dead. It’s normal to feel a spark with someone else, particularly if you don’t have to spend every waking moment with them.
But you need to determine whether it’s a fancy or the real thing. Spend some time revitalising your relationship. If that doesn’t work, then be honest with her and go and get some relationship counselling. But don’t stew on it, because it’ll just fester and make your marriage unsalvageable. Act now and look towards saving your marriage.
And don’t spend any more time alone with this woman, and make yourself scarce when she’s around. She’s your wife’s bestie, not yours, so you should be able to do that easily.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:30am)
Oh as my wife states, opening an emotional connection to another woman is like asking for a train wreck. I get it, this is not an easy situation to be in, but you have no choice here. You have a kid to look after and a wife, you just can’t cross that threshold without causing major issues.
I don’t know the answer, but pulling back and not retaining a close friendship with this lady will help. You have to pull back because if you don’t, you are likely to destroy 2 marriages and cause immeasurable damage to all involved.
So true Kate, so true
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:31am)
put your length up there. come on do the following.
1. invite her over.
2. weigh her to make sure she is less than 50kg or has huge norks and is no more than 54kg
3. get them drunk.
4. spill shit on the other chicks shirt. red wine works well
5. offer to clean it up.
6, get her top off.
7. get ur mrs into it.
8. run out to the bathroom fluff up until youve got a massive half mongrel.
9. get things on like donkey kong..
3 somes are choice. i get them all the time. i dont even try, chicks just walk up to me and say, wow, expensive shirt. it will look good on our lounge room floor.
the best part about being so good looking is the chicks just love me.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:32am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:08am)
Hahahahaha - that’s hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.
And thanks for confirming what I’ve suspected for a while.... you’re a troll.
Enjoy your day
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:22am)
Peurile troll is peurile.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:22am)
what the hell is a troll?? i am awesome.. is it the new word for awesome??
Mon 14 Feb 11 (02:19pm)
Bossy, is CTT your alter ego? Some sort of outlet for you to wind us up with the most nonsensical thing you can espouse? Really? Come on you can tell us. We all have split personalities in here don’t we?........ guys?.........hello?.......anybody?
Mon 14 Feb 11 (04:08pm)
that was a rather emphatic response Kate
Noooo
Kate de Brito
Mon 14 Feb 11 (02:29pm)
Time to wine and dine your wife and stop thinking about the close friend in that way. Don’t discuss feelings with her, and go find a bloke to be mates with.
Best of luck,
Al.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:35am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:34am)
Yes exactly! I get that it may be hard to avoid your wife’s best friend - however it shouldn’t be hard to avoid just the two of you being alone together, talking intimately and inappropriately.
Obviously everyone has stuff they need to talk about with someone other than their partner, but you don’t share this stuff with someone you could find yourself attracted to as well. Find some male friends or talk to a female relative.
Next time your wife’s bf mentions anything about being in love with you, brush her off. Tell her it was a phase, that you truly love your wife and you blew their friendship out of proportion. That you appreciate her support but you don’t love her. You may think this is lying, but surely in this situation lying is better than the alternative - cultivating an unhealthy deceitful relationship with someone other than your wife.
One more reason you need to end the emotional affair with the other woman is that while you say you aren’t going to take this to the next level - you don’t know what she might do. The next time she has an argument with her hubby, how do you know she won’t throw out a line about ‘well who cares what you think, me and *Lost* are in love’. You might be in control of your actions but you’re never in control of someone elses.
And finally, how would you feel if your wife was doing this to you? Something to ponder…
Can I suggest an alternative to Bossy’s advice? Do nothing. Remember the old phrase “god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”
Maybe your feelings are the thing you cannot change. Just accept it, accept that no happiness lies in the path of change and move on with your life. I don’t really think you have to stop seeing the friend if you actually properly commit yourself to your relationship. So you love the friend? So what? Love is just a feeling and in the end, it’s the actions that are meaningful, the feeling doesn’t count for that much.
Plenty of people face much bigger challenges in their daily lives and get through them. People struggle with disabled children, their addictions to drugs and alchohol, I could go on of course....
good luck
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:41am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:18am)
thanks, occassionally I have something moderately sensible to say
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:45am)
But doesn’t the wife of the man-in-love have a choice? Certainly, if I knew my partner was in love with another I would end the relationship, with the hope of having one which is ‘real’.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:51am)
This is deep man, balls deep.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (03:20pm)
@Victoria
Op loves both, it is not less real with his wife because he has feelings for someone else as well. can you love 2 people? do you love your parents there are 2 of them, so of course you can. Love is not an exclusive feeling, they have a 1 year old so loving each other more than anyone else is probably gone already as they both probably love their Daughter more.
It is women like you that ruin relationships because you cant accept that Life is Not Hollywood, Real Relationship and emotions are complex multifaceted things they are not yes/no situations they are changing constantly evolving, the only challenge is staying together.
His Wife(if she is honest and realistic) doesn’t have anything to complain about. He never stopped loving her. And he never was unfaithful.
Op needs to Grow up and like JAS said accept what is. the grass might look greener but If OP is smart(which he implies) he realises that it probably isn’t in real life.
Anyway Victoria I hate to tell you your idea of something ‘real’ is make believe, a man(and I assume woman too) will always look and always make connections with other people, love or more marriage is an agreement to not purse those connections. If you are expecting that once some one has made a connection with you they will never make another you are destine to be disappointed.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (04:38pm)
JAS. I think I just had an epiphany.
Brilliant post!
Tue 15 Feb 11 (08:03am)
JAS, +1 and another +1. Great advice.
I’m also wondering if our OP actually knows what love is. To me, a big part of it is putting those you love before yourself - that’s a universal of all the different “kinds” of love - love of friends, partner, kids, whatever - it’s realising that their love means you need to sacrifice certain things.
OP, part of loving both these women is realising what joy they get from each OTHER’S friendship too. If you truly loved them both, you would never do anything to jeopardise that relationship, let alone your own relationships with them both.
Thats pretty sound advice Jas
Kate de Brito
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:51am)
You sound very nice OP, slightly intelligent to say the least…
Ultimately, humans are very weak creatures. We will please ourselves in the end, no matter what the consequences…
It takes a huge amount of discipline and willpower - just ask anyone on a diet, or trying to give up smoking. More often than not, we convince ourselves that ‘just one Cadbury Creme Egg won’t hurt will it’..?, so we kid ourselves that its not going to hurt anyone, and we indulge…
If you both have acknowledged your mutual feelings, its only a matter of time before you hook up. Shit, this is going to end in tears...Its what all the great love songs are about, unrequited love.
It takes a very pragmatic person to be able to walk away from the intoxicating allure of ‘love’...I wonder if you have the guts?
Good luck..
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:43am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:06am)
mmmmm chocolate…
Sorry Lexie, what did you say, I got distracted
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:06am)
What do you have against Cadbury Cream Eggs, Lexie? I always thought you had a gooey centre…
To correct your metaphor, one Cadbury Cream Egg doesn’t hurt, so long as it is just one, and it is yours. But when you start covetting another man’s Cadbury Cream Egg, that’s when you get into trouble.
I love Cadbury Cream Eggs. I love all of them. I see no problem in this. But I would never eat a Cadbury Cream Egg that had been purchased by somebody else, whether I loved it or not.
How many times do you have to say Cadbury Cream Egg before you qualify for a sponsorship?
My name is Ninja Bread Man and it has been two years since my last post.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:19am)
*like* to Ninja Bread Man’s post
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:34am)
Welcome back Ninja Bread Man, you were missed. Two years, how time flies.
Please ring our sponsorship hotline, we have a box of eggs for you.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (12:36pm)
We’ve missed you Ninja!
Mon 14 Feb 11 (01:58pm)
Just gave it some thought, and it has been about 18 months. Sorry for my absence, Bossy. I have missed you and your crew terribly, though I do check in from time to time for a fix.
I just can’t seem to find the time to rubbish other people’s problems any more. What with a new baby, my well-chronicled addiction to guitar hero and D&D;, and a new job that actually requires me to, like, work and stuff, I’ve had to do away with some of the finer things in life.
Not promising anything, but I’ll try to comment when I can.
It has not been two years! Really?
Kate de Brito
Mon 14 Feb 11 (12:07pm)
Your marriage has become routine, the other woman represents some excitement and spice that your marriage no longer has. Our genetic and hormonal heritage is not helping you here, it is actually working against you.
Either you inject spice or it is effectively over (in its current form atr least).
Research has shown that humans matting habits are essentially a war between one part of us that wants to nurture our children until they can fend for themselves 10+ years and the other part that wants to spread genetics as widely as possible which causes urges to “move on” to begin about 4 years into a relationship. is there any suroprise that the median of these two drives is about the seven year mark?
Intellectually of course we attempt to do somethying different and mate for life. Talk about mind over matter!
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:46am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (02:19pm)
This is why I have come to wonder whether marriage is really such a good idea. It IS possible for two mature adults to raise their mutual children without being legally tied to each other. Marriage is a legal instrument, and no matter how hard people have tried for thousands of years.. you just can’t contract love.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (04:34pm)
@Concubine...that is an awesome statement : ‘Marriage is a legal instrument..you just can’t contract love’.
Awesome statement and sadly the truth. Love can fade and then you’re left with a contract. It’s hard.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (04:36pm)
Concubine of Canton - This situation would be the same if they weren’t married. Instead of wife it would be partner. Believe it or not De Facto couple are now have the same legal rights as a married couple so technically marriage is null and void and the coule with the child ARE legally tied to each other.
I am married and never considered it a contract of any sort and feel sorry for people that do. Having the piece of paper doesn’t make the love any more or less real. If it does, it’s a problem within the relationship not the marriage.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (06:33pm)
‘humans matting habits’?
I have all kinds of scenarios coming to mind....
Easy. Start a cult.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:58am)
Which one is hotter?
Mon 14 Feb 11 (08:59am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:47am)
they are both much hotter than anything you could ever pick up.
youre so hopeless you couldnt pick up in a whore house carrying a fist full of fifties.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (02:27pm)
Corporal,
If you must insist on gracing Bossy’s blog with your insidious dribble of blog diarrhoea…
You could at least come up with some new shit…
I understand that your feelings for this close friend are very strong, Lost. Why else would you choose to have an emotional affair with someone, much less someone so close to your wife? That said, you need to make a choice: choose your marriage or choose to take things further with her best friend. I strongly encourage you to leave the marriage first, if you choose the latter. Stringing your wife along while you keep secret feelings and plans for the other woman is dishonourable and cruel. Your wife deserves more respect than that - all people do.
Assuming you choose to remain with your wife, you need to realise that we are not slaves to our emotions. We can choose to shut things down or build things up and we must keep making the same choice over time to get to the endpoint we want to be at. Saving your marriage means choosing to tell yourself (in your mind) that you love your wife and you want to push these feelings for her friend aside - and do that each and every time. Getting through these feelings also means choosing not to act on them any further, as Kate has already pointed out. No ‘just a little’ or anything - when you feel the intimacy between you and the other woman, turn it off inside and leave the situation. Choose to make an excuse, choose to avoid problem encounters, choose your family.
It’s easy to let yourself believe that you have no choice, that ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’. We have much more control over ourselves than that - but it involves difficulty and work to exercise that control to get where we want and CHOOSE to be. Because of the effort involved, many (most?) people just make excuses for mindlessly following their urges (which is NOT what I see you doing here, Lost, just to be clear) or sit back and see how things work out without making any choices or effort. If you really love your wife and your family, you will make choices and put in the effort to follow them through, hard as it may be.
I disagree with Kate on telling your wife what’s been going on - the betrayal she’ll feel from both of you will be devastating. She probably already knows something’s up, but to confess an emotional affair is something that’s going to wound her emotionally. Tell her about the affair if you’re going to leave the marriage, but if you choose to remain and fix things you’ll need to revisit the decision to tell your wife what’s been going on with you AND her friend.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:04am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:40am)
TLDR
Op, if you love your wife then you will try and push the “feelings” you have for her friend aside, forget about them. They will bring nothing but hurt and pain to you and the people you love.
Remember also that its not just your marrige that hangs in the balance here, but also her’s.
Be careful and tread lightly around her.
PS. Thanks for ruining all the threesome jokes I had
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:07am)
You are a creepy husband looking for some on the side.
That’s not your problem, you’re problem is you are denying this is what you are.
Wake up to yourself, and go read the vows you have forgotton. If you can’t live to those vows then get a divorce because both your wife and daughter are better off without you.
Sincerely,
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:14am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:57am)
Agreed.
OP sounds like a chick trying to justify what they want to do by making up some bullshit about true love, soulmates or fate.
FFS- be a man, realise that you are a creepy derro trying to crack onto your missus’ best mate and then grow up.
This isn’t your own personal soap opera.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (01:18pm)
OP. Welcome to the creepy husband club, our meeting as usually held at teh local most nights a week. On weekend we can be found driving slowly past nightclubs where drunk 19 yos are found. You sound like you have the potential to rise high in our ranks.
If your in love with 2 people pick the 2nd one, if you truly loved the 1st one you wouldn’t of fallen for the 2nd.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:18am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:10am)
Not true. He’s married, not blind and numb. All relationships go through lull periods and take some work. If everyone got out the moment their attention started to wander then no one woukd make it to the 10 year anniversary, let alone 50. Its fantasy land to think love alone will protect you from hurting each.
You just need to accept you’re not a slave to your feelings. They don’t create you, you create them. Feed your feelings for the other woman and they will grow (thru fantasising, dwelling, pining). Starve them and they’ll diminish. Throw your attention back on your wife and baby.
I’ve been there. Its fun and enjoyable to indulge in the feelings of adrenalin rush love and pining, even when it can be painful as well. But its not healthy, its destructive. And its not fair or loving towards your partner. And you will never be able to fully enjoy your family with one foot in another camp.
OP,
You should only get together with your wife’s friend if she is hotter with a better body.
Otherwise you’re selling your wife short, and yourself.
Don’t worry too much about your marriage - it’s probably going to go bust, especially given the thoughts you’re having…
Seriously, lusting after other women is normal - it happens to me about six billion times a day.
The real strength is gained from ignoring those urges.
How strong are you OP??? Strong enough for your wife?
I’ve never been strong enough for any of my chicks, but I’m trying. You try too, huh…
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:27am)
Greg Norman alert!
All jokes aside, I’m sure on some level your wife knows you’re into her friend… sexual tension is easily felt by those around us.
Anyway - if you decide to get with your wife’s friend, expect the worst.
Your two families will never speak again.
Her husband will despise you, your wife will despise you and your children will despise you.
In ‘reality’, out in the open the relationship would cause hell, and the whole thing would turn extremely ugly.
The ONLY place where your relationship could really be about ‘feelings’ without interference is if you had an affair and noone knew about it.
So you have two choices -
a) Have an affair where this beautiful ‘love’ exists in a sort of suspended universe that noone else knows about. But you’ll have to lie in order to do this, so this so-called ‘connection’ will be based on a foundation of lies.
b) Be with her in real life in which case the two of you will isolate yourself from everyone around you.
Those are the only two options.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:27am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:27am)
How about c) Don’t pursue it?
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:15am)
I agree with a lot of your post, Turq. But there is a third option - OP can choose to turn his back on these ‘feelings’ and put the effort he spends fantasising about the other woman into his relationship with his wife.
What you wrote about the fallout of outing this situation is spot on. Everyone’s seen it happen (or been involved in it), it’s horribly messy and inflicts emotional wounds that take years to heal, if they can heal.
I am heartened that the OP says he is not intending to have an affair (physically anyway). But if he doesn’t change anything, he will eventually find himself taking one of your two options.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:37am)
Yeah he could c) Not pursue it.
But he wants to.
So I’d say the only other option is really
c) Let the feelings linger until they fade away naturally.
You can’t ‘force’ feelings or attraction away. They have to fade away on their own or they ‘surface’ in sudden, uncontrolled bursts.
If he’s going to stay he just has to accept that he can’t indulge the feelings he has.
Maybe you can have a crack at Polygamy rather than a threesome?
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:29am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (01:51pm)
Hey, don’t knock polygamy until you’ve tried it! Ask anyone married to a schizophrenic. Seriously, you’d be surpised at the number of polygamous relationships that exist and often last. Ask Jack Thompson… Nearly went that way twenty years ago, but all of us decided that the risk of all of us falling out was too great, so I just stayed with the one. We’re all still good friends, though, and the ‘escapee’ found herself a terrific guy. Probably not as good as me, though…
Mon 14 Feb 11 (03:59pm)
Errrrrr, this is a bit awkward, World Prophet, but if I read this right, you and your partner nearly entered a relationship with Jack Thompson 20 years ago?
Um, okay, well, ah, sorry that didn’t work out for you.
3 options:
1) Stick with your marriage and end any connection with the friend
2) Get a divorce
3) Talk to your wife about opening up your marriage. But even if you do get a free pass, you can never use it with anyone that your wife knows.
4) Bonus Option - Cheat and enjoy the ride before your life comes crashing down around you. Be prepared to be raped in divorce court.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:37am)
I weep for society today!
I do NOT recommend you tell your wife you are “in love” with her best friend. This will immensely hurt your wife, and could possibly cause her to lose a precious friendship, in order to “save the marriage”.
If possible, I instead suggest that you and your wife take a long holiday. If you can leave town for several months, so much the better. Hopefully this will give you enough time fo forget about the other woman.
If this is not possible, I recommend you keep busy. Work hard, play with your child, and pay lots of attention to your wife. If you must think of her best friend, try to imagine her flaws. Eg, is her nose too big? Does she have an annoying laugh? Do you suspect she will be grossly fat in twenty year’s time? etc.
Above all, you must never be alone with your wife’s best friend. If you see her at all, it must be in the company of your wife, and the friend’s husband.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:37am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (01:21pm)
Ethel, raises a good point, where is the besties husband in all of this? In my experience love is an emotion that you can really hide from people, its the way you look at and react to someone that gives it away. Either he is a total twit or he just doesnt care.
Your wife should divorce you. I hope she does, and I hope she leaves you destitute. You’re a disgrace.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (09:39am)
Mon 14 Feb 11 (10:22am)
bunny boiler much? What a disgusting thing to hope on someone.
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:02am)
Geez JTT, bit early on a Monday for a meltdown.
Good luck for the rest of the day, I hope it picks up for you!
Mon 14 Feb 11 (11:13am)
A wee bit harsh i think…
Maybe your moniker should have been “Bitter and Twisted”
Mon 14 Feb 11 (05:29pm)
Actually, in cases like this, it’s quite appropriate.