I’m middle aged and my mother has died. Is it too late to build a family of my own?

As her main carer, she filled a huge part of my emotional life. But I am acutely aware of not having a partner, and sometimes feel like a failure

‘I struggle to come to terms with her loss.’ (Picture posed by models.)
‘I am struggling to come to terms with her loss.’ (Picture posed by models.) Illustration: Guardian Design

I am a middle-aged man and have spent a large amount of time being a carer for my mum. My dad died when I was young and a few years later my brother passed away. Afterwards, my mum became quite reclusive. She always did her best for me, but from an early age I tried to give her as much emotional support as possible.

I have always had this role fill a large space in my emotional life. I never really felt the need for deep connection with girlfriends and this is why I haven’t settled down.

In the last few years, my mum became very ill and I became her main carer. She recently passed away. I know in my heart of hearts that it is a good thing that my mum’s suffering is at an end. My problem is that I miss her a great deal and I am struggling to come to terms with her loss.

I have tried counselling and that has helped me to process my feelings. It has also been painful as I am now acutely aware that I have reached middle age and have not established my own family life. I sometimes feel bereft and like a bit of a failure. How do I move on?

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