The Twelve Chairs (1970)
Dom DeLuise: Father Fyodor
Photos
Quotes
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You're not worth spitting on!
Father Fyodor : Oh yeah? Well, you are!
[spits]
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Why are you after my chair?
Father Fyodor : It's not yours.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Then whose is it?
Father Fyodor : It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers!
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Did you said the workers?
Father Fyodor : Yes, the workers.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.
Father Fyodor : Maybe.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : But the party is for atheists. How can a priest join the party?
Father Fyodor : The church must keep up with the times.
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Father Fyodor : I want to grovel at your feet! I must grovel at your feet!
Madam Bruns : No groveling! There will be no groveling in this house! This is a Soviet household! We don't allow groveling!
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Ostap Bender : Now listen, old man. Pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford at this time in our lives. We need 30 rubles to make our dreams come true. It's sink or swim. I choose swim. Now, to beg or not to beg, that is the question. I will give you five... to decide yes or no. On the count of five it is farewell. One...
Father Fyodor : Yes... yes, yes, yes...
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [They've torn one of chairs to pieces when Vorobyaninov realizes] How did you find out about the jewels?
Father Fyodor : [pause, then] People talk.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Why, you disgusting creature! You used the sacred sacrement of confession to further your own ends!
Father Fyodor : Not really.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Well, you are just about the most contemptible creature it has even been my misfortune to meet! You're not worth spitting on!
Father Fyodor : Well, you are!
[He spits on Vorobyaninov]
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Father Fyodor : [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.
[Ostap stares at him]
Father Fyodor : His first-born. He was like a father to me.
Ostap Bender : So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.
Father Fyodor : Yes, I am.
Ostap Bender : [quickly] How old are you?
Father Fyodor : 46... 44.
Ostap Bender : Which is it?
Father Fyodor : 42... 42.
Ostap Bender : According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.
[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?
Ostap Bender : In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.
[They wait]
Father Fyodor : Oh Lord, you're so strict!
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Father Fyodor : Oh Lord... oh Lord, if this is your pun... ish... ment...
[he realizes that he's trapped on top of a mountain with no way down]
Father Fyodor : How did I get here? There's no way down... there's absolutely no way down! I'm gonna need a great deal of help to get down!
[he sees Ostap and Vorobyaninov leaving]
Father Fyodor : Boys! Oh, boys! Yoo-hoo, Vorobyaninov! I have always liked you, you know that? We come from the same village. For twenty-five years, I have been your priest... oh, for Christ's sake, get me down!
[they walk away]
Father Fyodor : Get... me... down!
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Father Fyodor : Oh, God! You're so strict!
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Father Fyodor : [to Engineer and Mrs. Bruns in Siberia, as he attempts to steal a chair and they attempt to throw him out] A memento of my visit to your lovely home!
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Father Fyodor : What detail. What fine workmanship. What a gorgeous chairrrrr!
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Father Fyodor : [to Madam Bruns] My dear lady... don't you understand?
[he goes totally manic]
Father Fyodor : I need those chairs!
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Ostap Bender : [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?
Father Fyodor : Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.
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Father Fyodor : [desperately trying to think of a motive to get the chairs from the Bruns] C'mon, brain!