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The Drew Carey Show (1995–2004)
Christa Miller: Kate O'Brien, Kate O'Brien Carey, Christa Miller, Various
Photos
Quotes
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[Kate makes an impossible shot during a game of pool]
Drew Carey : I swear you were born in a pool hall.
Kate O'Brien : No, Drew, I told you... I was born in the wagon of a traveling show... Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw.
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Kate O'Brien : My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.
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Kate O'Brien : [Kate is sitting and lighting a piece of paper on fire] I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing *mom*, before *time* gets here. There we go.
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Kate O'Brien : Oswald, how do I look?
Oswald Lee Harvey : On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.
Kate O'Brien : Oswald!
Drew Carey : Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.
Kate O'Brien : Oh.
Oswald Lee Harvey : It starts at three.
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Kate O'Brien : I can't believe Oswald has a son.
Drew Carey : I know. I feel bad for the kid. You grow up thinking your dad's Neil Armstrong. Instead, you get Forrest Gump.
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Kate O'Brien : Why didn't you just ask me for the money.
Drew Carey : I can't ask you for money. I'm "The Rock".
Kate O'Brien : "The Rock"?
Drew Carey : Yeah. I'm the one that's always stable and reliable. I'm the one who loans money, gives advice and helps you guys out. "The Rock"...
Kate O'Brien : You should be wearing a superhero outfit when you say that.
Drew Carey : Don't mock "The Rock"!
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Kate O'Brien : They can't close the Warsaw. That's where I lost my Over-50-Guys virginity.
Drew Carey : You mean your Guys-Over-50 virginity, right?
Kate O'Brien : Uhh... Yeah.
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Lewis Kiniski : Come on, everybody. Drew can't make bail. If everyone pitches in $10...
[blank stares from bar patrons]
Kate O'Brien : All right, ten bucks to hear about the night I spent in a women's prison!
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Kate O'Brien : Well, that takes care of the heebies but I still got the jeebies.
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Kate O'Brien : [to Drew] For as long as I can remember, you've been my best friend or my boyfriend. But now, you're nothing. Good-bye.
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Kate O'Brien : What's wrong with you guys?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Lot's of stuff. Why?
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Kate O'Brien : What are you doing here?
Lewis Kiniski : Well, I'm not freezing my penis! That's for sure!
Kate O'Brien : Hmmm... I never get the answer I think I'm going to get.
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[discussing Drew's cyber date]
Kate O'Brien : Yeah, is pathetisad a word?
Drew Carey : Hey, whatever BeerStud3 and HoneyBee23 do is their own business.
Kate O'Brien : Beer stud? Forget pathetisad, is weirdork a word?
Drew Carey : How bout sarcastibitch.
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Kate O'Brien : Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible.
Lewis Kiniski : Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take *that* away from me?
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Kate O'Brien : I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings.
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Kate O'Brien : I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Did I get drunk?
Kate O'Brien : We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!
Oswald Lee Harvey : But, did I get drunk?
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape.
Kate O'Brien : Oh, my god! You still have that tape?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.
Kate O'Brien : Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...
Oswald Lee Harvey : Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.
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Lewis Kiniski : Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex.
Kate O'Brien : I'll get the food.
Lewis Kiniski : I'll get the beer.
[pause]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Every damn time!
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[Drew and Kate are about to have sex for the first time]
Drew Carey : I'm a little nervous.
Kate O'Brien : Me, too. In fact, I'm so nervous, I over freshened a little. I hope you really, really, really like spring rain.
Drew Carey : [laughs] Well, this is it.
Kate O'Brien : Yeah. Think about it, this is the definitive moment of our relationship.
Drew Carey : What do you mean?
Kate O'Brien : Well, everything has been going so well, that the only thing that could ruin it is bad sex.
[pause]
Drew Carey : Well, goodbye erection!
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Drew Carey : [hangs up phone] Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow.
Kate O'Brien : That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.
Drew Carey : Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.
Oswald Lee Harvey : [to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.
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Kate O'Brien : You're not still attached to Lisa, are you?
Drew Carey : No, I'm not attached to my Lisa at all.
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Kate O'Brien : So, what do you want me to do? Put my legs in the air and shut up?
Drew Carey : Is that a trick question?
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Beulah Carey : Look, Drew, we brought the same minister that married me and your father.
Drew Carey : Uhh... Yeah, but... Kate and I can only be married by a Catholic priest!
Kate O'Brien : That's right! That way... our son could never grow up to be pope! See? I can't tell my parents that my son could never be pope! That's just crazy!
Beulah Carey : Oh, Kate... You and your Catholic Voodoo...
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Lewis Kiniski : I think Santa doesn't want to kill us anymore. We didn't get any death threats, recently. And, when we threw Kate to him and left her for dead he didn't touch her.
Kate O'Brien : Yeah, he told me not to worry and that he wasn't going to rape me. He told me that after what Santa saw in the Gulf War he could never be with a woman again.
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Mimi Bobeck : Ok, if we do this, we do this right. Nicki, you're 'Cobra'.
Kate O'Brien : Cool, we get nicknames. What's mine?
Mimi Bobeck : How about 'Girl who's only nice to me when she needs something'?
Kate O'Brien : Nah, too long.
Mimi Bobeck : How about 'Tramp'?
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[Drew's baseball team sucks]
Drew Carey : [to Kate, who's relaxing on a lawn chair] Kate, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be standing at first base!
Kate O'Brien : If somebody on this team actually gets to first base, I'll stand there naked.
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Drew Carey : Hey, Lewis, I got a question. Did you ever sleep with a close friends' girlfriend?
Lewis Kiniski : Oh, I see where this is going... I'm in. But, Kate, when we're in bed Drew's and my eyes must never meet.
Kate O'Brien : Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I'd lie next to you naked is if we're in a mass grave.
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Kate O'Brien : If I were you, I'd pick Lewis. I mean, Oswald's my friend but I wouldn't want Lewis to be mad at me. Remember that time we saw "The Silence of the Lambs", and he said "Now, there's a guy that did something with his life"?
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[At the Warsaw]
Kate O'Brien : I can't believe Drew did this to me! I'm going to kill him!
[storms out]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, no. We should probably warn Drew.
Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, we should do a lot of things.
[both continue drinking]
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Female Cop : I'm sorry, but we're going to have to close this bar down.
Lewis Kiniski : Well, I didn't want to resort to this, but...
[approaches female cop]
Lewis Kiniski : Hey, Baby. How'd you like to take a bath without ever having to step into a tub.
[sticks out his tongue]
Female Cop : I'm a lesbian, thank god.
Kate O'Brien : [approaches female cop] Please don't take away our bar.
Female Cop : Sorry. I never paid for it in my life.
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Kate O'Brien : Um, no, I can't, Mrs. Louder. Because I unfortunately wasted $40 on a list of fake excuses. Oh crap.
Mimi Bobeck : Thanks for coming to Mimi's! Where every customer is a sucker.
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[Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump]
Drew Carey : Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.
Kate O'Brien : It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.
Lewis Kiniski : Are you crying, Drew?
Drew Carey : It's that smell. It's killing me.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Hope you like it, Drew.
Drew Carey : Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!
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Lewis Kiniski : Hey, I've got a girlfriend, too. She's a guinea pig.
Kate O'Brien : Oh, good. I thought it was going to be something weird.
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Kate O'Brien : Here, try some of these. I call them "Angel Wings".
Drew Carey : They're Pringles.
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Kate O'Brien : Guys, that is THE most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen.
Lewis Kiniski : Well, we tried to clean it once, but the bacteria ate our sponge.
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Kate O'Brien : Drew, come on, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Drew Carey : I know of an all night fry place where they never shut off the deep fryer and the cops look the other way.
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Kate O'Brien : We should go to Lewis and Oswald's place.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Our place? Even we don't like going to our place.
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[Drew has made tons of model airplanes]
Kate O'Brien : Drew, there's a fine line between a hobby and psychosis. And even if there wasn't, this wouldn't be a hobby.