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Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024)
Shakedown. Breakdown. You're Busted.
Here's my thought process when I heard there'd be another Beverly Hills Cops with Eddie Murphy. First came the happy feels. Then the question of why it was a Netflix exclusive and not theater bound. I start watching and I'm caught up in good vibes, classic music tracks from the series and an overall sense of nostalgia. Then this gives out and I'm like 'oh that's why it's on Netflix'. 'Axel F' isn't a complete loss, but we're a long way from greatness and largely skating on classic memories.
In Detroit, Axel Foley (Murphy) still a cop foils a robbery, but things get messy complicating the life of former partner now Deputy Chief Jeffrey (Paul Reiser). Then the crap really hits the fan when his estranged daughter Jane (Taylour Paige) who lives in Beverly Hills and is a defense attorney gets neck deep in problems for a client. Trying to prove he's innocent of killing an undercover officer, she's enlisted the help of Axel's friend and former cop turned PI Rosewood (Judge Reinhold) and Taggart (Ed Ashton) is now the Chief of Police.
Good news is Eddie slides back into old comfort, but you can also tell he doesn't have the same energy his younger self did. His patterned Detroit Lions jacket is also put to use to hide him gaining a few pounds. Reinhold, Ashton and Reiser are fun to see back, but Taggart doesn't get to do much other than yell and Reinhold is barely in it. Happy to see Bronson Pinchot return as Serge. He's still a hoot and I always like Kevin Bacon as an actor even if he's saddled with an obvious one note role here. Much like Joseph Gordon Levitt as new character Det. Abbott who coincidently happens to be Jane's ex. Former SNL castmate Nasim Pedrad was the biggest burst of fresh air as an obnoxious Beverly Hills airhead real estate agent.
I could harp on about what I feel is a needless family connection out of left field and sappy emotional moments between father and daughter, but they're just symptoms of a larger problem at play. 'Axel F' looks good, sounds good, but it's largely a bore. Laughs are sporadic, action rather mundane and the story 100% predictable. You know ... nostalgia is a funny thing. It brings out pleasant warm feelings, but this proved to me that it alone can't sustain a movie. I enjoyed they got the old gang back together and this is much better than the third entry, but I also can't dismiss it became a chore near the end to finish.
Natural Needs (2004)
Talk Dirty To Me
At the turn of the millennium, the 'net took off which allowed eyes (me included) to soak up a new wave in insanely busty ladies. In this mix came Score magazine who'd introduce us to the all natural wonder Chloe Vevrier. This 2003 title 'Natural Needs' is her coming into her own directly from her website to fans. I won't lie and tell you it hits all the bases or it's the hottest thing ever. However if you've been a fan you'll be pleased.
"Desire" starts things off and finds Chloe in a well lit bedroom in a black bustier that she's just pouring out of with no panties. She starts off in front of a mirror for some nice visuals (first 9 mins) before the action shifts to the standard bed. In a nice touch over the light music that usually plays in titles of this sort she drops a few sultry words (some in English, some German with a lovely accent). A notable moment is a prolonged bit where she rubs her massive breasts over the sheets. The focus goes to her boobs (9 mins) before attention gets shifted to her kitty. Then a glass dildo comes out for some lite boob-play before the obvious but lovely insertion that you're waiting for (30 mins total).
"Longing" is the follow-up scene and I'm sure I've seen a pictorial with her in this open blue top on a bed before. She rolls around, touches herself lightly and looks great. There's a quick moment of her picking up a massive boob and licking a nipple before she suggestively straddles a pillow. It's short with no real attention going down below (5.5 mins). "Lust" is the third chapter and she certainly saved the best for last. Chloe ends up getting into a luxury bathtub and the soapy, wet look is always a pleasing one. Lots of boob action before the main course. She throats a rubber dildo, puts it between her boobs and then mounts it while it's stuck to the tub. Like the leadoff scene, she does a voiceover and says some naughty things which didn't go unappreciated by me. Though it's the shots of her riding it from behind as it slips in and out of the pink that gives this scene it's best moments (22.5 mins).
If you aren't a lover of busty ladies and particularly of Chloe, you're gonna have a hard time tolerating the slow, steady nature here. There's many pleasing visuals, but it's also a simple solo video at heart. Lots of buildup, two of three parts go mega long and even as a fan of hers my interest drifted off at times. Well shot, but not without flaws.
Elves (1989)
Is That Elf Yours!?
I sympathize with anyone who feels 'Elves' is bad. From the 80's dtv realm, this is the type of trip that would have angered me had I seen it when I was younger and my tastes were much different. I'm not going to go as far as to say it's worth your time, but I appreciated the insanity going on. Borderline tasteless story, cuckoo with just enough absurdity to deliver laughs and decently made. If you're in the right mood, you won't be bored.
Three young women do a seance in the woods for fun using a stolen book and unwittingly unleash a demonic creature. Turns out Kirsten (Julie Austin) still a virgin - who lives with her little brother, twisted Mom (Deanna Lund) and creepy, semi paralysed "Grandpa" (Borah Silver) - is key to a Nazi plot to create a new breed of the super race. Ex cop Mike (Dan Haggerty) trying to regain his job at the same dept store she works at slowly finds out what in the heck is going on as the bodies drop. He's the only thing standing between Kirsten, mankind and certain doom.
Austin has to indure a finale that stops just short of spelling out what's going on while supplying a dose of skin earlier. Ditto Lund who goes off the rails and supplies nudity too. Leaving "Gramps" in a category all to himself that I won't spoil. Haggerty is the most normal and likeable of the bunch, but as you can see that's not saying much. Add in offscreen kills, poor "Elf" effects though they really try to keep it confined to the shadows and info dump scenes. LOL trips to the library, a local know-it-all professor and even a doctor who spells it all out while his two young daughters listen in at their Christmas dinner table.
A parade of perverts, Nazis, cocaine, lust, incest & the bizarre. 'Elves' is a crazy time that you're not supposed to take at face value ... at least I hope so. The filmmakers treat the material seriously and even drop a sequel smelling ending (for which one never came? Shocker). Supposed to be horror with sci-fi and religious tones, but so crude, unintentionally funny that it's more of a trainwreck than anything else. Bad movie fans might have a new Christmas classic.
Immortal Combat (1994)
Maybe Tupperware Party ... Maybe
'Immortal Combat' aka 'Resort To Kill' has all the sights, sounds and feels of a dtv 90's action flick. First two capable b-movie leads in pro wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper and 70's martial arts star Sonny Chiba. Then some notable supporting faces & a fun but stupid story that turns boring, convoluted in a heartbeat. The question becomes are the good elements enough to make the rest worth it. The answer is ... not really.
Cop John Keller (Piper) explains to his captain the circumstances under which he & partner JJ (Chiba) were investigating a private party that resulted in the death of a fellow cop. A serial killer (Deron McBee) is on the loose and the owner of a chemical company Quinn (Meg Foster) is behind him. She's created a compound that allows people to be brought back from the dead and has built an army of beefy fighters to do her bidding. John must not only get to the bottom of things, but shut 'em down permanently.
Think 'Universal Soldier' or 'Dead Heat' mixed with 'The Most Dangerous Game' and pad it with hallmarks of low budget flicks. Ninjas & fighting tourneys. The setup is decent, but believe me and everyone else who says things take a progressive dive off a cliff soon after. There's a one note reporter slash love interest (no nudity), a helpful foreigner and some seriously daft pacing issues.
Piper makes for a likable guy and has real chemistry with Chiba. The latter though is saddled with a downright weird subplot involving his stepdaughter. Foster makes for a chewy villain and allows the former 'They Live' stars to share the screen again. Between Piper firing guns, smashing people and Chiba going full blown ninja (at the end) there's some smiles. McBee conducts a masterclass in overacting, grunting and relishing one note dialog, killing folks.
It's cheese thru and thru complete with old fashioned squibs & blood plus a few laughs. If you're fond of dtv action or subscribe to the notion that bad movies can be a fun time there's some merit. It's not the best thing I've seen the late Piper in and the start is certainly stronger than the finish. A few small fixes and it might have been a different story.
Playboy Video Playmate Calendar 1994 (1993)
Time Capsule
A topic I've already talked about plenty in reviews, '1994 Playmate Calendar' is a product of it's time. If you can withstand some artsy scenes, lack of steady nudity there's names, charm to be found here. However it's hard to get past how much dead air there truly is, the lack of titillation at times and starting off with material I've seen 3-4 times already didn't help much.
"January" is Anna Nicole Smith - POTY 1993 - where the first two mins go to her clothed (though looking great) and soundbites, sights from her small town Texan roots. Then it's a decent B&W ranch strip, but I've seen it too many times to get excited (5 mins). "February" is Alesha Oreskovich - Jun 1993 - posing topless for most of it while her hair blows around. Way too many insert shots of flowers and as quickly as it starts it's over. Her second piece goes classical in B&W with period music before she strips from a red dress. Visuals pick up steam here quite a bit thankfully (4.5 mins). "March" is Ashley Allen - Aug 1992 - wasting no time shown naked in bed as she speaks in voiceover. Some hot shots compliment this scene, but the follow-up of her posing artistically in quick cuts is a snooze (4 mins).
"April" is Stephanie Adams - Nov 1992 - who has a playful scene in different color bras, panties that also jumps around too much. You get some nice looks at Step, but definitely fleeting. A business woman strip is much the same way ... lots of quick cuts and then it's over (4 mins). "May" is Tiffany Sloan - Oct 1992 - in a bathtub in the middle of the desert with only a metal beaded top on. Lovely shots of her natural breasts, butt in addition to her cute face. Then it quickly changes to a warehouse and in between her doing gymnastics comes naked views (sometimes soaking wet). It's like some of the ladies who've come beforehand in the sense it's uneven and good parts last only split seconds (3.5 mins). "June" is Jennifer LeRoy - Feb 1993 - who has a rustic bath outside too. She has a nice body and getting in the water delivers nicely. Then it's a circus number where you have to get past dinky clown music and of course views of Jennifer naked are few and far (4 mins).
"July" is Barbara Moore - Dec 1992 - another standout favorite blonde from the 90's (much like ANS). First is a 50's dance number with a male partner where the shots of her nude are intercut. The vibe, atmosphere is pleasant but the focus is off once again. A traditional strip from a dress in her second scene keeps the vintage energy, but is far from hot making you settle for one long prolonged shot of her topless laying on a couch (4.5 mins). "August" is Amanda Hope - Jul 1992 - who comes off very down to earth, girl next door which Playboy always prided itself on. A backyard strip offers some nice peaks which continue as she goes from a gazebo to laying in a hammock or near a pond. Her playing the clarinet indoors follows and shots of her naked come via looking more glamourous (3.5 mins). "September" is Echo Johnson - Jan 1993 - first in a light dance number that is a bore. Her stripping from a tuxedo with a top hat fares slightly better, but not by much (4 mins).
"October" is Nicole Wood - Apr 1993 - and goes the artist route as she chisels a block of ice to resemble a male model. When she's done, he leaves the nudity finally makes a showing but nothing crazy. Her vintage strip from a trenchcoat nails style, but won't get you hot & bothered (4.5 mins). "November" is Morena Corwin - Sept 1992 - who gets off on the worst foot here. This painting in a field, in the shadows of a bedroom wastes a holy heck amount of time with barely any nudity to show for it. She's done better material than this slice of her Playmate profile. A sultry strip that alternates from B&W to color isn't much of an improvement (4.5 mins). "December" is Kimberly Donley - Mar 1993 - in bed with translucent bra, panties that's going more for style points than turning you on. A simpler bit nude in bed from the start delivers better where you want, but is still a down note to go out on all things considered (4.5 mins).
There's nothing massively wrong with '1994' Calendar as it's softcore of that time period. I don't hold any disappointment, anger. Knew this was going to be the story, but that also doesn't change the end result. If you like the ladies featured or wanna go back in time this is a good example of what you're gonna get. The upside is it still has moments to shine and isn't a study in frustration, boredom which happens in this genre the further back you go.
Penthouse: Pet of the Year Winner 2004 (2004)
A Good Year
Watching, reviewing softcore videos comes with a bit of repetition. Style, presentation, hotness and the ladies themselves. Sometimes I feel I'm too harsh on titles, but in the case of Penthouse's slippery slope there's no denying they had some real awful ones. As I said with 'PotY 2005' gone are the days of high budget glossy titles, but the basics are here again in 'PotY 2006' and are on point. Beautiful naked women shot right and a nice level of explicitness.
Standard montage intro (1.5 mins) and a simple title card leads to "And the Winner Is... Victoria" Zdrok. Another title card spells it out as she strips from a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. It checks all the usual boxes; her enhanced boobs, kitty play. She actual slips some fingers in herself. Only thing missing is focus on her butt (5.5 mins). "Blonde on Blonde" is Victoria & Stephanie Wood - Pet Sept 2001 - together in front of a fireplace. The latter gets more attention and as a sign of things to come Vic's tongue is definitely making contact with Step's kitty. Pity they inserted some fake moaning over the scene (5 mins). "Stephanie" is her solo stripping from matching pink bra, panties. In an odd choice the camera shots alternates between normal and max brightness. One hot blonde - nice face, boobs, butt - this delivers everywhere including the pink. She spits for makeshift lube before lotion gets put all over her body (8.5 mins).
"Kyli" Ryan - Pet Feb 2002 - has a solo strip in front of a mirror. Her natural bust gets shown and there's no lack of butt shots (she spreads her hole) or of her shaved kitty (4.5 mins). "Poolside Pair" has Step take off another pink bra, panties then joined by Kyli for some lite girl/girl. Step gets the lions focus again and the piece of elevator music playing over the scene sounds like Albert Hammond's 'It Never Rains in Southern California' (8.5 mins). "Courtney" Taylor - Mar 2002 - now has her solo on a couch and it doesn't waste any time getting right to her vajayjay. Plenty of nice shots follow (many of her butt) and pleasant jazz music doesn't hurt as more spreads are still in store (5 mins).
"Stephanie & Victoria's Little Secret" looks like a slow glamour piece, but pulls a fast one. Transitions to them in sunglasses, lingerie & a techno beat. Yet again most of the focus goes to Step, but there's some hot action here (9.5 mins). An odd one ... "Behind Closed Doors" has addition words on screen 'Crouching Director Hidden Treasure' and 'Raw, Uncut & Unrehearsed'. It's Step & Cheyenne Silver - Dec 2001 - on a bed. Delicious shots - both legit eat each other out - but it's gotta be staged. Director giving directions in between lusty comments spells it out (8.5 mins). "Victoria Redux" has her in a bustier, sitting in a chair. It's short, but many nice views - spread in closeup, more digit action - allow her to get shown off to close things (2 mins).
Dual Playmate, Pet Victoria Zdrok has had a wild ride considering she's now ventured in MILF hardcore territory. A seasoned model with fake boobs is the look I best know her for (as opposed to her Playboy all natural foreign beauty next door) and you get plenty of that here in 'PotY 2004'. The other ladies featured are no slouches either and I was really shocked at the level of explicit action going on. Some scenes go a little bit too long and it's a much simple affair compared to videos in their prime, but this Penthouse title delivers where it ultimately counts.
Penthouse: International Amateur Video (2000)
Zzz ... Again
This isn't the first video I've seen focus on foreign ladies and it won't be the last. However that doesn't stop me from telling you Penthouse's 'International Amateur Video' aka 'Sexiest Amateur Video Centerfolds: International Edition' is largely a forgettable experience. On the surface the two elements seem attractive. Ladies outside the norm, outside North America, more down to earth. The bottom line though is it's rather boring, tame and little to be excited about.
After your standard intro (1 min) that gives us yet another title card in 'The Beauties of Scandinavia', we get "Viking Princess - Lena". Public footage of the lady, a voiceover leads us to a hotel room where she quickly gets out of her black business-like top, skirt. There's no denying Lena is attractive, but the whole thing is slow. It takes two whole minutes to get to our first piece of nudity. There's some nice shots of her tanned body wet in a shower and a risque shot of her kitty from behind on the bed, but continuous nudity is definitely not the strong suit here (5.5 mins). I'm sorry to say it doesn't get much better too.
"Street Sweet - Christina" follows the same pattern. Street footage, voiceover and then she gets naked. The only difference is some cheesy freeze frames, video effects go into overdrive here. It's not a complete loss with some decent closeups, but the style of presentation was beginning to get on my nerves (4.5 mins). "Nightbird- Luisa" features a whisper quiet voiceover from Luisa before she gets in & out of some lingerie on a bed. Again horrible video effects and boring clothed street footage follows afterwards (why!?). It cuts back to her naked to close (5.5 mins).
"Rainy Day Woman - Lene" is another Scandinavian beauty in the same poor style. I could voice my displeasure some more, but I'll focus on how it lets down the actual ladies gracious to bare it for the camera (5.5 mins). "Work Of Art - Sabrina" takes it's sweet ass time to finally arrive at an art gallery. The amount of waste here is bonkers. Eventually she gets naked in a field up against a tree, but it isn't hot enough to make up for earlier (6.5 mins). "North Sea Dreamer - Helene" arrives at a beach where blonde Helene pops from a pink thong bikini. Though any excitement quickly goes away per the format here (5.5 mins).
"Uptown Innocence - Lina" finds her quickly strip from her floral dress. Effects continue in silly fashion, but there's some decent views of Lina in closeup along with some shoddy camera work (5 mins). "Arctic Queen - Stephanie" closes things and if I haven't complained enough about the cheesy 90's video effects hold onto your hat here. Lina strips from a few different colored bra, panties and eventually hits the bathtub. I might have put up with this waiting game to get off when I was young but now ... no sir (11 mins).
At the end of viewing 'International Amateur Video' it dawned on me this really isn't legit PH. It displays the same kind of slow work that was also found in their 'Girls of the Cote D'Azur' which I didn't enjoy very much either. I'm pretty sure these were done by another company and then PH bought, cheaply slapped their name on 'em. I can't tell you why they bothered doing that, but I can state the obvious and say you can give this a pass too.
Disclosure (1994)
Review From 'A Friend'
There's a bunch of reasons one can appreciate 'Disclosure' when it came out in 1994 all the way until today. Number #1 is it's a slick, entertaining piece of work with devilishly good acting. #2 a keen reminder how much the late, great Donald Sutherland was underrated as an actor and #3 it's message, theme couldn't be more topical than now. Critics dismissed the idea - the book it was based on by Michael Crichton - that a man can be raped, sexually assaulted, but it just goes to show you how misguided, hurtful and just downright wrong this line of thinking really was. This is a fun trip top to bottom.
On the eve of a big corporate merger, Tom Sanders (Douglas) head of DigiCom's manufacturing has his whole world shaken up. The promotion he thought he was in line for goes to a returning ex-gf corporate exec in Meredith Johnson (Moore). They catch up and she puts the moves on him in private. Tom - now a married man with kids - regains his brain & stops just short of actually having sex. Complicating matters is the new hyped CD-ROM drive he's in charge of bringing to market is having problems in R&D and then he gets hit from left field. She accuses him of sexually assaulting HER. Can Tom dodge being fired? Shamed? Keep his dignity, wife? Put 2+2 together and figure out how everything ties together before it's too late?
I still remember critics dissing the book (haven't read) and lightly mocking this movie for a "laughable" premise. Without launching into a rant - it's funny how the landscape has changed almost thirty years later. Men being torn down, emasculated, double standards. Of course that just adds a level of charm to this piece nowadays. The bottom line is the story is interesting, juicy and it amps into overdrive by the time Tom hires criminal attorney Catherine Alvarez (Roma Maffia) who lives for this sort of stuff. The computer techno angle is dated, but if you can remember the times of CD-ROM media, hype about VR, it's cute.
The cast gets a huge round of kudos for bringing it home. Demi does her role justice and nails the not-exactly cookie cutter femme fatale role with physical looks and smarts. Dylan Baker as the company's in-house brown noser legal counsel Tom Blackburn is fantastic. Easily one of the big screen's best weasels. Then you got money hungry CEO Garvin (Sutherland) who supplies one of the funniest dream sequences ever and a little too involved in backdoor dealings, smokescreens going on. Maffia has one of her best high profile roles here and like everyone else is given some killer dialog. Dennis Miller has a small part as a co-worker and is a hoot too.
Of course front & center is Douglas. He has a skill for playing A-hole types (Wall Street, A Perfect Murder, The Game) and sleazy characters (Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct). This does a skillful dance where he admittedly steps in it big time, but is a likable guy and ultimately gets saved by other women in his life. I come back to watch 'Disclosure' every now and then even though the twists 'n turns can't hold a candle to the first time. It's tight package that flows like absolute butter. This is Moore, Douglas and a cast of supporting faces at the top of their game. The pacing is great, it has some real things to say about sexism on both sides of the fence and legit laughs in addition to the tension, suspense.
Penthouse Pet of the Year 2005 (2005)
Minor Rebound
By 2005 Penthouse was very much in a state of decline and this was felt most in their videos. They hit a high point in the mid to late 90's, but afterwards quality became spotty. Fans of their vintage product know what I'm talking about. They started farming out "regular" fare to crap companies, directors while PotY, Playoff titles stayed respectable. 'PotY 2005' remains semi decent, but things have certainly changed.
In a twist from the standard montage intro norm, PotY winner Martina Warren says a quick word at the end (2.5 mins). Picking up right from there she wastes no time showing off her black panties sitting on a couch when she spreads her legs. Next the dress comes down and she hits the usual poses. No spread, but there's a closeup of her kitty pretty damn moist (5 mins). Now hands are touching her - PotY 2006 Jamie Lynn & Pet Apr 2004 Jesse Capelli - kicking off light girl/girl. These two are wearing nothing but black stockings, panties that come off. Martina gets fake oral which allows the camera to show off their butts complete with some vigorous rubbing of their kitties (6 mins).
Now Ginger Jolie - Pet Sept 2004 - has her solo up against a pillar. She does a little too much "porno face" to begin stripping down. Her butt, boobs get maximum focus, but she also rubs her vajayjay towards the end. A bit on the slower side and no spread (6.5 mins). The trend of transitioning to girl/girl continues as Martina shows up. A hot closeup of Ginger sucking Martina's nipple stands out amongst kissing, cuddling you expect. A trend towards fake oral is building steam (6 mins).
Jamie's solo is quick to ditch purple panties while the matching bra stays on for a bit, but I'm not complaining. A lot of focus goes to her completely shaved kitty and a very nice, prolonged spread from her partially in closeup. Her lovely boobs come out at the halfway mark and it ends with her laying out beneath a large window at night (6 mins). Next Jesse solo gets naked on the edge of a hot tub with lit candles all around then gets in. Nice wet & soapy sights (many in closeup) though I grew bored before it came to an end (6 mins).
Ginger & Jamie wearing sexy lingerie in a luxury bedroom start sucking on each others boobs, kisses exchanged and such. Some steamy shots of Jamie, but again the scene wears out it's welcome. Fake oral while clearly able to see tongues aren't making contact doesn't do any favors (8 mins). Martina has another solo in a white dress (see box cover). It's not bad, but her first go was much more spicy (5 mins). Lastly Jesse & Ginger at the bottom of a staircase in cocktail dresses kiss, get naked and feel up each other up (6.5 mins).
'PotY 2005' is a simpler affair in many ways, but don't take that a diss. The ladies are gorgeous, camera work solid and the production values are respectable. As perhaps you can sense this title starts out stronger than it ends, but there's a nice level of explicitness which gives it a bump and the video certainly got my juices going a few times.
Playboy Video Playmate Calendar 1995 (1994)
Not Just a Pretty Face
When DVD hit it's stride, Playboy did something nice and released many of their Playmate calendars to digital video (some years for the first time). I'm grateful, but the further back you go the more and more the nudity isn't the focus and things become a little bit too "artsy". It's a theme I've talked about before in regards to softcore titles and it's kinda unavoidable. Unfortunately the '1995' edition suffers from this, but the good news is there's some lovely faces featured here.
"January" is Becky DeloSantos - Apr 1994 - in a warehouse strip with many bright lights. A lot of quick shots and not all of Becky. Nudity doesn't come continuous, but you still get nice peeks at this gorgeous lady. Now she's in an apartment loft predominantly shown on the bed naked though there's shots of her in a matching white pants and an open shirt combo (4 mins). "February" is Arlene Baxter - Dec 1993 - who starts off in your standard bed strip that has many good closeups. Then it's a strip from a black cocktail dress at night which moves rather slowly and doesn't deliver much (4 mins). "March" is Julianna Young - Nov 1993 - who's sure to standout if you like ladies of the very busty variety. You get to see her enhanced puppies in a staged photoshoot, but again the nudity isn't consistent. A second scene of posing in the desert ditches any semblance of a story and goes for straight up posing that allows goodness where it counts (4 mins).
"April" is German Elke Jeinsen - May 1993 - who apologies for her English, but it isn't bad. She gets down to posing nude in a field next to a horse when there isn't shots of her riding it clothed. Then it's a straight-up strip from black lingerie indoors with way too little nudity (3.5 mins). "May" is Anna-Marie Goddard - Jan 1994 - another foreign beauty who highlights her roots in a bit that breaks out traditional Netherlands clothes and subtitles. Getting down to the business on the same white backdrop set, she models a few pieces of regular clothing and is shown nude briefly in a ton of quick cuts. Her pictorial is burned in my brain from the early days of the 'net, but I've yet to see video stuff of her that's been super hot. A second scene of paddling on the bayou and getting down to naked in a cabin isn't get much better (4.5 mins). "June" is Jenny McCarthy - PMotY 1994 - and one of the most popular names with her allure reflected in a slightly longer runtime here. All this footage - playing basketball, getting naked at horse track, poolhall lite boy/girl - all come from her PMotY vid and have been recycled a ton since in other vids. Again the early days of the internet ... quick glimpses of her naked (in & out of a summer dress, suspenders and hat, cuffs doesn't match the collar) stand out (6 mins).
"July" is Neriah Davis - Mar 1994 - and the sultry blonde is put a country setting to go with her background. There's some really nice shots of Neriah here, but I wish they would come more heavily sans clothes. The follow-up about the sky & stars has a lovely closeup panning shot starting at her legs all the way up to her face naked, but it's one of the few redeeming parts (4 mins). "August" is Jennifer Lavoie - Aug 1993 - who gets down to some high flying gymnastics matching her real life. Again there's some nice sights, but nothing sizzling or that lasts long. Then she hits a beach and is naked in a hammock or topless posed up against a coconut tree. More visually pleasing and there's a shot of her tanned butt worth mentioning (4 mins). "September" is Elan Carter - Jun 1994 - and see's this black beauty getting out of a skintight dress or prancing around naked. The nudity is almost nonstop, but the followup scene inside can't say the same thing. By the time she hits a bedroom you get a few decent shots, but that's it (4 mins).
"October" is Shae Marks - May 1994 - one of my fav Playmates back before she got her boobs pumped up to ridiculous level. The montage of outdoor footage is pleasant, she looks great and the nudity comes at a good clip. Then inside a mansion she gets down to naked from a dress, but it's not on the same level (4.5 mins). "November" is Julie Lynn Cialini - PMotY 1995 - naked in a wheat field on a set that does a good job of looking real. Her voiceover hints heavily at being teased or bullied in school, but Julie looks great here and gets "the last laugh". Then it's the requisite strip indoors but the nudity is quite minimal (5 mins). "December" is Carrie Westcott - Sept 1993 - another Playmate in her original form before a boobjob and possibly more cosmetic surgery. Opera music plays as she gets naked on a pier. There is some really nice shots of Carrie including a few good closeups of her lovely face or laying out on the boardwalk. The second piece naked on a bed and an overhead shot of her straddling a yellow pillow has to be mentioned, but it doesn't reach it's full potential (4 mins).
Favorite ladies or a flashback in time, '1995' has some choice pieces for sure. Seeing a few Playmates in their early form was easily the highlight of video for me. Maybe you'll feel the same way too. Otherwise there's no getting past short scenes or a lack of arousal at times. It's certainly not the worst Calendar I've seen from Playboy, but it's obviously not the strongest all things equal. They would later bump up the running time an additional 20-25 mins and it can make a world of difference.
Law & Order: Trophy (1996)
Love & Justice
Plot summaries lead you to believe this is a McCoy (Waterston) ep in which he has to atone for possible sins. While not completely untrue it's the murder of innocent kids that gets us to this point. 'Trophy' is fun in that you get to see a well liked character dive into their past, but I found it hard to make the initial adjustment. A miscarriage of justice, a child serial killer turns into something much more vanilla. It doesn't derail the entire thing, but this feeling never left the back of my head.
13 year old Derrick Walters is found murdered with a note in his pocket indicating a copycat killer. None of the leads Det. Briscoe (Orbach) & Curtis (Bratt) track down go anywhere at first. Then a second black youth is killed and the one similarity is both had a run-in with a store security guard (Isiah Whitlock Jr.) the day they went missing. He later confesses to not only these, but the ones from five years ago. Placing McCoy as the one who prosecuted, gained a conviction of an innocent man in the crosshairs while the actions of his ADA at the time Diana Hawthorne (Laila Robins) are scrutinised.
Audiences will best know actor Isiah Whitlock Jr for his part in 'The Wire', but here what appears to be a one note role develops quickly into something more. He sells the religious component, being disturbed very well. Though as I mentioned it's over almost as quickly as it started. There is also the weird inclusion of black humor here. First as Lennie makes one of his patented deadpan comments involving a possible suspect, Lt. Van Buren (Merkerson) can't help but laugh but it seems odd seeing as how they're talking about a child killer. Then there's one of those light hearted quips at the end, but again it didn't land for me.
Ultimately 'Trophy' is a solid if fluctuating episode where the pieces are there to be something bigger, better. A look into McCoy's past is fun, but also surface level. Ditto ADA Hawthorne and the exploration of their sordid relationship. The issues of wrongful conviction, child serial killer get pushed aside rather quickly and these dark elements could have been enough to propel an episode on their own. Instead they are merely window dressing to character development.
Hot Body Competition: Naked Poker Finals (2007)
She's Got A Big Pair
The presentation left something to be desired, but after seeing similar titles 'Naked Poker Finals' felt like gold in comparison. If you're willing to admit the poker is only meant as a throwaway gateway to female nudity then you'll enjoy what's on display here. I'll admit striking out with two titles - 'Strip Poker Invitational' & 'Ultimate Poker Babes' - made this feel more solid than it is, but there's also no denying the full body nudity and a real level of titillation.
Per usual John Cross narrates the intro (1 min) and throughout this poker "tournament". They don't waste any time as the ladies are shown backstage naked and such. A joke or two and some forced dialog before the silly "judging criteria" is shown (2.5 mins). Then each lady's intro leads directly to a strip;
- Veronica Saint shakes her stuff in a black bra, plaid skirt. All the girls are asked if they've ever played sexual games before which they answer in their voiceover. An explicit looks at her kitty from behind on all fours as she poses closes things (2 mins)
- Krista very much the girl next door struts her stuff in a black mini dress and then out of her panties. She talks like she has a legit knack for poker unlike other girls. Once again a risque shot of her shaved kitty from behind (2 mins)
- Kina Kai quickly gets out of her black top, skirt and down to pink bra, panties. She talks about her big nipples and yep another kitty shot (2 mins)
- Melissa Jacobs quickly gets out of her black skirt, lacy white pushup bra. She also tells a cute story about strip Yahtzee (2 mins)
- Hanna Hilton is the first of only two ladies I was familiar with. Well known model, PH Pet, she doesn't seem 100% comfortable, but I'm guessing this came early in her nude modelling career. She drops from a black dress and it's hard not to keep your eyes off her naturally big bustline (2 mins)
- Lindy is a Euro beauty with an accent who quickly gets out of her pink top, jean shorts down to a bikini. The thong bottoms show off her butt before it all comes off too (2 mins)
- Erica Ellyson was a PH PotY and gets out of her black bra, bottoms from multiple poses (2 mins)
This is where the actual poker kicks off, but you can tell immediately it's not the focus. No hole card cams, we don't even follow a single hand from start to finish before Melissa is back up taking off black lingerie. Plenty of spicy closeups sitting in a large purple chair (3 mins). Back to the game in between strips briefly. Hanna on a long couch strips from a black dress as she talks about getting out of a six year relationship so yeah this came early in her career (3 mins). Veronica strips from her red dress down to thong panties then out of them. The best shot is a closeup of pinching her nipples (3 mins).
In a part that seems staged the ladies go topless and remove their shorts for more chips. It might be cheesy in execution, but it doesn't go on long (1.5 mins). Krista's solo getting out a blue top, white skirt (3 mins). Back to the table where the dealer offers 1k in chips in another staged bit if a girl will give him their G-string. All of them take him up on the offer (2 mins). Erica's solo strip from a green top, black skirt follows. She ends up sitting on a pool table in one shot with her legs open for a very naughty sight (3 mins).
Lindy gets out of a colorful dress crawling back and forth on a long red couch (3 mins). Then it's the "final hand" between Melissa & Kina (1.5 mins). I thought it'd be over at this point, but they factor in a "dance contest" to crown the winner. Kina gets out a satin red cocktail including one early closeup of her see thru panties (3 mins). Melissa's gets out of matching aqua blue bra, panties. Her tramp stamp never stood out more than right now (3 mins).
What do you want when checking out a strip poker title? Minimal PG-13 style nudity, be almost bored at times while the game gets a degree of quality presentation? Or would you rather be turned on and care less about the cards? Hot Body's 'Strip Poker Invitational' is a straight up visual feast compared to other titles. Judged on it's own not the hottest thing and it's production values are a little spotty. However if I had to choose, I'd take this in a heartbeat.
Garage Girls: The Video (2000)
Faded Memories
In the early days of the internet, I still remember clips from 'Garage Girls' being shared. Fans of the lovely model Cori Nadine - who made a name for herself appearing for Playboy - were hungry for any pieces of her to be found in video form. It's this piece of nostalgia I circle back to otherwise this isn't highly titillating as a whole and not really a legit video as you'll quickly hear, see.
After a standard montage intro (1.5 mins) Gina Mari appears as "host" but take this lightly. She says a few words clothed but is never seen or heard from again. "Amber Herrel" (aka Mason Marconi) is first in matching white bra, panties on and off a motorcycle. I've always liked Mason - a former Penthouse Pet - but this isn't super hot, never goes past topless and very slow. Canned elevator music doesn't help (2.5 mins). "Robin Baskers" poses in the Cali desert with a motorbike. There's some nice shots of her tanned butt, but also many pointless which leaves it nearly being a bore (6 mins). "Carrie Westcott" back in the garage looks lovely in matching blue bra and panties. Ultimately it's a tease with minimal nudity - topless - in the last minute only (3.5 mins).
"Cori Nadine" poses solo in a red dress with boobs out from the start. She's has a great smile and there's a quick look at her butt. Then it switches to her in a pink bra & panties sitting, but no nudity whatsoever (5 mins). "Shawna Anderson" has a motorbike still photo session that gets down to straight posing for the camera and she goes fully nude (2 mins). Then it's back to where we left off with Carrie topless still with her blue panties on. This goes on for about two minutes before she's shown in a white top that quickly gets opened. Then it's fully nude inside a racing car but her exposure is topless only (6 mins).
Back to Mason from before too and the panties come off nicely. Stare at her awesome butt for a bit as things move slowly (I almost wanna say purposely). She turns and you get some glimpses of her landing strip (3.5 mins). This fades into both Mason & Shawna in the same setup as Mason gets naked from the same white pieces again and takes off Shawna's orange bra. Jumping footage means clothes go back on and off again and both gets sprayed with a water bottle briefly. Then it cuts to Mason solo nailed on a stool and some poses (7 mins).
Now Carrie & Cori in the tub with some motor grease rubbed on them. Nude but their breasts really the only thing visible as pics get snapped (3 mins). It fades to Cori solo still in the tub as her hair gets wet. This goes for 3 mins and then she's poolside with a bike in pink bra, panties. Getting wet makes for some nice sights but no straight up nudity before without pause it cuts back to even more of Shawna & Macon from the garage (6.5 mins).
Right after we're back to Cori again in the tub and I think whoever edited this, decided on this presentation style should honestly be fired. She's much more dirtier now with the grease having been put everywhere and some nice closeups, her getting silly is a nice touch (3 mins). This seems like a good enough place to mention a "Valerie Bird" gets mentioned in the credits at both the beginning & end but unless I suffered a stroke during watching I never saw her.
'Garage Girls' is a bts look at a photoshoot and making of a calendar. As Cori never had many videos appearances this gets you some rare looks at her hence some light value, but overall it's not the video you want it to be. It might be worth viewing once for curiosity or nostalgia sake, but that's about it. You can certainly see Carrie & Mason in hotter material elsewhere.
Footloose (1984)
Human Nature
There's no denying 'Footloose' left a mark on 80's movies, radio stations forever and the public at the time. Likable dance scenes, soundtrack and a star turn for actor Kevin Bacon elevate a slightly cheesy story that has the usual tropes - boy/girl romance, spurred villain, happy go lucky ending - as part of it's package. That doesn't mean you can't have a fun time with it, appreciate certain elements. However admitting the tale of teens dancing away oppression was hokey then and hokey now is requisite step #1.
Ren McCormack (Kevin Bacon) moves from big city Chicago with his mom to middle of nowhere West Virginia. There he encounters a strict ban on dancing and the town elders, authority distaste for perverse music, literature because kids died in an car accident years ago. Ren fights not only this way of thinking, but his outsider status while gaining the eye of preacher's daughter Ariel (Lori Singer). Of course Reverend Shaw (John Lithgow) himself can feel, see his control slipping away not only over his daughter but outdated ways of thinking perhaps doing more harm than good.
Lithgow is saddled with a typical adult role in an contraption of this sort, but genuine acting makes the Reverend's change, growth feel nature & organic. Bacon is the best but that's also no shock. Given a character that thru dialog and action never makes a misstep taking up the fight with the wrong person. Dianne Wiest, Chris Penn & Sarah Jessica Parker all have earlier roles and have individual moments to shine. Lastly timeless tracks from the likes of Kenny Loggins, Bonnie Tyler, Deniece Williams and Mike Reno & Ann Wilson.
'Footloose' isn't a great film and it's not horrible leaving it squarely somewhere in the middle. Best not to think too deeply about it and just sit back, enjoy the Kenny Loggins tracks, launching pad for Kevin Bacon and a spread of 80's cheesiness. I mean ... come on. Overprotective parents, the dangers of rock 'n roll, religious undertones. A Hollywood bankrupt for fresh ideas did a remake later, but I'll give it a pass. There's no way it can surpass the breezy charms found here I'm sure.
Live Nude Girls (2014)
Post Nut Clarity
I didn't plan to watch 'Live Nude Girls' but after I caught a string of positive reviews in direct competition with folks saying this is awful, I had to find out which group was full of crap. My money was on those saying this was a good time, funny, featuring a decent story. Within 40 mins all I had was a gang of boring / annoying characters, cringe humor in a dismal tale that wouldn't keep your focus if it wasn't for nudity. This is not worth your time. Period.
Shane (Mike Hatton) inherits an LA strip club from his deceased uncle and makes the cross country journey with loser friend Tommy (Har Mar Superstar) to run it. He's shocked to find it failing with a drugged out manager (Dave Foley) at the helm. Add in wacky cliente, employees including horny strippers and a perfunctory romance in cocktail waitress Christina (Annamarie Pazmino). Lastly a last minute revenge via scorned ex-dancer Boots (Tera Patrick) and her ploy to get the club closed unless the boys can settle a debt in seven days.
Tommy when he's not being a sex obsessed idiot offering little help to his friend finds the time to film the journey documentary style that offers up a bunch of convos that are nothing short of painful. Loose strands seem to indicate this is taking place during the 80's and oh the club goes from barely afloat, unpopular to packed and raking in the cash with the most miniscule of explanation. Newest young lady Chloe (Bree Olsen) who came for a waitress job turns stripper and revolutionizes the game? Invents pole dancing? Okkkkkk.
Large parts of 'Live Nude Girls' feel ad-libbed with a chemistry of people who think what they're creating is funny. God knows how much footage they shot and this is the best they came back with. Likely made in a couple of days on the cheap during daylight hours at a real strip club everything looks fine visually, but it's an exercise in mild titillation at best. Big boobs, few juicy shots of asses in your face. That gets it one star and Tera Patrick still looking great at 38 years old (when this was made) get it another, but that's all she wrote.
Ultimate Poker Babes (2005)
Drawing Thin
Earlier this year I locked eyes on a piece of dubious material calling itself 'Strip Poker Invitational' that tried to strike a balance between taking the actual game seriously and it's female cheesecake. 'Ultimate Poker Babes' is in the same realm and I know these sorts of titles have their fans, but I can honestly say UPB doesn't improve much on the formula. At over 90 mins there's more chances to ogle the ladies also lots of dead air, wasted time.
Inside a Hollywood club seven ladies (Eva Simone, Rachel Elizabeth, Jasmine, Isabel, Sandy, Carmen Luvana, Nicole Oring) get intro'ed. Each with eight pieces of clothing worn. Eight poker chips represent a piece they can bet. In their modified game they call "Sexy Hold 'Em" there's a one bet ante preflop and the ladies can check, fold or call bets (doesn't have to be the same piece) after the flop and each street. Each also have a "Strip or Dare" button which they can use to voluntarily lose a piece of clothing (um why?) or perform a dare. The winner is the one left with clothes and gets 5k.
A live audience is supposed to provide energy, but didn't do much for me. Ditto two useless hosts and an obviously inexperienced dealer. They nail some of the basics like hole card cams, graphic overlays telling you everyone's cards and the cast of women are good looking. Though I only recognized one name / face in blonde pornstar Carmen. The removal of clothes happens via a stage nearby and the camera work isn't bad with some nice closeups of boobs, butts.
Any worries I had about the quality of poker was silenced when two pair beat a wheel straight at showdown. Ok, fine, dealer sucks and these are amateurs, but what about nudity? It takes 45 mins to reach the first topless lady and in a "wtf" moment she loses her panties at the same time only to have another pair on underneath. Huh? This goes for all of them too. Reality is 'Ultimate Poker Babes' is fairly tame, the betting format super simple as you wait for nudity and try not to die from boredom (102 mins).
The Ugly (1997)
Black Black Heart
As time goes by your tastes mature, change which isn't a bad thing. Unfortunately it leaves you open to revisiting movies you once thought highly of back in the day and now find them not hitting as hard. 1997's 'The Ugly' is one of those bittersweet times for me. This New Zealand number still delivers some of the creepy, moody thrills in a slight twist on a horror flick that I remembered and the acting is good. However I cannot deny moments now that are too absurd to be taken seriously, flat out don't work or made me sheepishly laugh.
Simon Cartwright (Paolo Rotondo) a serial killer locked away in a mental hospital requests new counsel in Dr. Karen Shumaker (Rebecca Hobbs). She's recently made a big name for herself in the media getting another killer released. Simon wants a new assessment to be labelled cured. They rundown not only childhood traumas, but his victims, the set of circumstances. Diving into the ultimate question of "why?" unroots his alternate persona with origins in the child's book 'The Ugly Duckling' which drives him to kill.
Originally I thought the jumping back and forth thru time was effective in weaving the tale deeper. Now I only sat and got uncomfortable at a suspect mother and more than one scene of child abuse. Ditto the use of jump scares and things that aren't reality. A younger me thought they were cool, but now I tired of how many times the flick pulled them. Lastly scenes of Simon trying to goad sympathy, lie his way thru telling his tale to a doc who comes off naive at best, stupid at worst was rough.
When I saw 'The Ugly' on VHS back in the 90's, I thought it was a fine experience with plenty of atmosphere and that remains true but to a lesser extent today. It pulls at your heart occasionally and there's some stylish elements from director Scott Reynolds. Like the choice of having blood be the color of black or an ending that can be seen as confusing or - like other elements of the flick - challenge you to believe in what you saw was real. Still can't get the feeling out of my head it's not the tight package I once thought it was though (unrated version).
Some Nudity Required (1998)
"Rationalize" You Were Abused
'Some Nudity Required' is a documentary that on the surface appears to be an inside look into b-movies, exploitation flicks but that's only half true. It's really one woman's emotional trauma, sad life experiences wrapped around the view that they're damaging to the women making them. As you might sense by my tone, I didn't buy into this distorted narrative. Filmmaker Odette Springer pushes but ultimately delivers a haphazard mix. Bts footage of titles I was familiar with and select interviews were fun, but the focus is in the wrong place.
Odette Springer always dreamed of being in the movie business and now somewhat a part of it tells us the tale of her "fall into oblivion". Scoring music soundtracks for famous b-movie producer Roger Corman the violence, gratuitous sex & nudity that surrounds her work equally disturbs and fascinates her. On movie sets and speaking to the people responsible both in front and behind the camera presents a picture of people earning a paycheck but ultimately being abused as she reveals centuries old scars of her own.
Every time this piece hits a measure of truth, a fun quip or a legitimate talking point, there's this "woe is me" mentality right around the corner. Odette makes sure it always circles back to her on a personal level. You can feel sad & possibly understand this misguided attempt. However that doesn't excuse all the bashings b-movies get or shaming many of her interview subjects. It also conveniently leaves out the fact no one is forced to do these things. It's a voluntary choice much like how viewers can chose to watch this sort of material or not.
I hope making this was therapeutic for Odette or she got the help needed afterwards. 'Some Nudity Required' tells the tale of a once thriving b-movie market that pushed sex, violence in cheap productions to please distributors, audiences but that's not news and the rest can't be taken seriously because it's coming from a place of hurt. Chats with Corman, notorious b-movie director Jim Wynorski (also shown acting like an ass) plus Julie Strain, Lisa Boyle & Maria Ford might be some worth to genre fans. Though the latter doesn't appear in a good place.
Law & Order: Sunday in the Park with Jorge (2001)
"Focus On What He Did"
The OG 'Law & Order' was good at capitalizing on real events "ripped from the headlines" and those with long memories might remember the Puerto Rican Day Parade attacks from 2000. The episode uses it for what at first looks like window dressing only, but after a false suspect gets socked away it returns. It's a sufficiently straightforward episode, but all this time later the thing that stands out the most is the silly controversy it drew from the Puerto Rican community.
A mob mentality spreads thru Central Park that sees women robbed and sexually assaulted. In the midst, a lady's body turns up in the lake later identified as Susan Capp. Police presence is heavily criticized as Det. Briscoe (Orbach) & Green (Martin) find a likely suspect in a soon to be ex-husband. However it's his best friend and VP, Seth (Glenn Fitzgerald) that looks more like their guilty suspect as he had everything to lose if a divorce happened. However the real truth finally comes out as the police, McCoy (Waterston) realize that Jorge Garcia (Manuel Terron) a part of the mob is their man.
There's many tidbits to be found in this outing. Like a slightly racist park employee that irks Green and Lennie gives him a reassuring pat on the shoulders as to say "I know". Ditto the handling of a posh building doorman who's all too eager to help. Plus you have the casting of Dan Lauria (who anyone with fond memories of 'The Wonder Years' will remember) first of two appearances as Deputy Chief Strudevant and character actor Paul Calderón is great as the defense attorney. There was also a moment during this episode that threw me for a loop, but nope no secret gay relationship here.
'Sunday in the Park with Jorge' doesn't make L&O "best of" lists and I'm sure there's some people that would rather it remain unspoken about. However it's a look back at these ridiculous righteous social political groups around every corner in North American society and a realm of getting offended at the drop of the hat. The crime here is fictional but dealt with sound logic and not based on race or color. A point I'm sure won't be lost on viewers with common sense.
Playboy Video Playmate Calendar 2007 (2006)
What a Bummer
I'm starting to notice some Playmate calendar years really don't deliver a high quota of nudity. You dip into titles from the late 80's, early 90's and at least you know it was the style at the time or a rare "off" year. However I'm perplexed by the '2007' edition where consistent nudity shouldn't be an issue. Playboy always had a tendency to be "artsy" at the best of times, but this is next level. The results feel like turning you on wasn't even on the list of importance.
"Miss January" is Sara Jean Underwood - PMotY 2007 - and the first scene has her talk as visuals play up small town roots. You notice the style they're going for immediately when words pop out on screen and the nudity comes sparingly in select shots. Then an interview in the middle - '2008' calendar does it too - before her second scene slipping on lemonade outdoors in a yellow summer dress. It eventually gets opened and the wet sights of her body inside are lovely. Then gets into a bathtub and there's a nice shot or two, but it never builds to really hot (6 mins). "Miss February" is Monica Leigh - Mar 2006 - with more talking as Monica walks down a street and then stops to pose. A few video effects continue being used and she looks great with nudity coming quickly. It rotates between shots of her clothed, naked with some wasted shots for sure. Another quick interview and then it's a number with her in a yellow chair in an empty loft. You can spy some quick views naked, but that certainly doesn't feel like the point which is starting to become the norm here and kinda irritating (5 mins).
"Miss March" is Athena Lundberg - Jan 2006 - who talks as the footage jumps around A LOT. One moment she's on a groovy 70's stage then it's a water themed set with or without a bikini and lastly in a house. It never settles down to showing her off naked for long. Another chat before a night scene inside a trendy mansion. The thing to take away once again is how little you see Athena naked and low lighting. Which means ever when the bra, panties come off you can't always see anything. Style, atmosphere seems key above everything else (6 mins). "Miss April" is Alison Waite - May 2006 - in a girls school concept shown off in either a top, jeans or a plaid skirt outside. She looks great, but the first minute only gives you fleeting seconds of her naked in the trend I've already made plenty clear by now. Brief interview leads to another night scene inside a house and I'll give them credit where credit is due. She is naked for most of it, but the camera also stays too far away at times (6 mins).
"Miss May" is Tamara Witmer - Aug 2005 - she talks as she drops from a robe at a house pool and does some tai chi as the camera stays far away. You get a number of nice full body pan shots, but just as many that don't deliver anything worthy. She then hits a shower and soap is put over her boobs, butt but it doesn't last long. Another mini chat followed by her walking along a beach, inside a condo. Again there's full body pans, but long stretches with nothing good too (6 mins). "Miss June" is Stephanie Larimore - Jun 2006 - on a white backdrop in a few pieces of clothing, but the focus is on orange balloons. The good news is the nudity content has gone up. Another talk leads to a carnival inspired theme as she goes between the floor or in a bed. The nudity is there but it's fleeting (6 mins).
"Miss July" is Cassandra Lynn - Feb 2006 - who chats about her modelling career before an equal mix of solo poses (camera at a distance) and a lite boy/girl starts up. Don't get too excited as it's short. A chat with her and then sombre music sets up a moody romance where delivering nudity doesn't seem to be a concern. By the time she is shown naked it's not like you can even get excited as heavy lighting washes out the sights of her boobs, body. A real dismal tease (6 mins). "Miss August" is Raquel Gibson - Nov 2005 - who chats as she's shown spinning around in a dress and in a see thru top. She has a unique look - her face is striking - but I was very hesitant to get excited here ... and you know why. She gets naked but it's far away shots yet again and more jumping back and forth between her naked quickly and clothed. She has a word with the camera before another night scene and ends up on a bed as the rain comes down outside. She slowly gets out of her dress, matching bra & panties. There's a few closeups, but slow is the optimal word here meaning there's little to get hot and bothered about (6.5 mins).
"Miss September" is Amanda Paige - Oct 2005 - a blonde with makeup done in such a way to give her a very sultry face. When you get to lock eyes on her tanned body in a black bikini as she washes down a car you might be smitten. Some nice closeups in combination with the wet 'n soapy look is a winning one making this one of the best segments in a dismal calendar so far. Amanda chats about life balance before a second scene of her getting out of a dress in a dark warehouse. It's not hot like her first outing (5.5 mins). "Miss October" is Holley Ann Dorrough - Apr 2006 - kicking it on a chair outside in jean cutoffs, cowboy boots before a nice topless shot followed by the shorts being dropped. Then comes a bunch of clothed shots, Holley holding a picture frame that thru the use of video effects has an image inside. There's nice shots of Holley with a bright smile topless, but seeing her naked consistently isn't in the cards. A short chat and then it's her on a rooftop at night with a tv set that shows images of herself. The clothes come off, but nothing to be excited about (6 mins).
"Miss November" is Christine Smith - Dec 2005 - and while I wasn't familiar with her, I was pretty excited they choose to show her massive bust off in a topless pic. I was in luck here because this turns out to be pretty awesome. For her first scene, she looks at herself in a mirror, does makeup and gets out of her white bra, bottoms. There's shots clothed or closeups of her face, but also many head to toe nude. A shot of her squeezing her huge tits together didn't go unappreciated. A very short word from her leads to a strip indoors on a cold winter night. Her boobs look great in a red bra, but you're begging for them to come out and luckily it doesn't take long. It's not be as good as her first scene, but it's solid. Hands down the tops of the entire video and I was shocked afterwards to read her DD breasts are completely real (6 mins).
"Miss December" is Kara Monaco - PMotY 2006 - and both of Kara's scenes come from her PotY vid. First up she knocks at an apartment door and then begins to energetically strip with the occasional keyhole POV shot thrown in for good measure. Kara looks great and the scene is well put together, edited and the visuals are on point. Her talking about working at Disneyland leads to an almost fairytale scene. She's shown in a white dress but that doesn't last long before it's down to black bra, panties and then nothing at all. It's as good as the first trip out, but it's mildly decent (8.5 mins).
Playmate calendars are constantly shifting the goal posts. I sat thru '1999' recently and it wasn't my favorite, but it blows '2007' out of the water in comparison. Even '1997' which is a poor calendar year that suffers from some of the same problems here - lack of nudity, artsy focus - comes out better than this. I never thought I'd be giving one of these titles a failing grade. You get roughly fifteen good mins in a vid that runs nearly 90. I'm sorry but that just doesn't cut it.
Streets of Rage (1993)
My Soul Has Been Violated
'Streets of Rage' is a low budget dtv flick shades of a vanity project that many think is poor. They aren't wrong, but it has to be said there's laughs to be pulled from cheesy moments, bad acting. Star, producer, writer Mimi Lesseos - an ex pro wrestler I found out - wears multiple hats. Ex Special Forces, pining to be a reporter who takes in, shelters homeless young kids while kicking butt on the way to taking down a big bad villain and pursued by many male suitors.
Melody Sails (Lesseos) a research assistant for a major LA newspaper is looking for a story that will take her career to the next level. She gets it in street kids and mystery man "Lunar" who charms underage females before pimping them out. In her personal life she's being two-timed by co-worker Nick (James White), but also rubs shoulders with Det. McCain (Christopher Cass). Continuing to dig into the situation the more she has to defend the kids, herself from thugs. Which leads to a chance encounter with Scott Talbot (Oliver Page) who's interested in her ... perhaps for more than one reason.
Two scenes where Lesseos pounds free booze, multiple helping kids to show she has a good heart. All the men pursue her in romantic fashion and she's no slough in the fighting department. The part where she beats off a home intruder while intoxicated has some humorous dialog for sure. A saxophone heavy music score sounds straight out of a 90's tv sitcom and pièce de résistance of any vanity project the obligatory butt shot. As delivered by - the tried and true favorite of gratuitous female nudity - a shower scene.
'Streets of Rage' is not the kind of trip you should watch at face value. Tune in because you want a story that never stops being equal parts corny and laughable. The fisticuffs are nothing to write home about, but the whole thing clocks in at only 84 mins. Mimi once posed in Playboy for a ladies of wrestling themed pictorial which of course I had to lock my eyes on afterwards. You know ... for scientific purposes.
Bikini Bash (2001)
Respectable PG-13 Fun
'Bikini Bash' is said to have come out in 2001, but it definitely has a 90's feel. Watching it means getting on board with a certain level of nostalgia, settling for ladies who stay in bikinis and a semi-cheesy presentation. Choose a decent softcore title from Playboy, Penthouse over this if the main goal is titillation, but I was surprised to find myself enjoying this more than I thought I would. Two contests - Laguna Beach and Palm Springs - plus some annoying filler is the deal here.
Lots of thongs, patriotic American flag bikinis make a showing during "Laguna Beach" where the ladies pose on a waterfront stage together or solo for judging purposes as a narrator speaks. At the end of posing a host breaks in to have a forced talk with each lady that happily doesn't go too long. Some "casual" footage where the ladies hang out at the beach, shoot basketball, hit the water or pose in the sand. Then the winners are chosen and they get quick solo montages (ending at the 42 min mark). Next comes bikini babes hanging out in Catalina on a boat, at the beach or in public before the video gets down to a quick indoor contest with different ladies (55 mins total).
"Palm Springs" is the contest known names appear in - Playboy PMotY Stacy Sanches, bikini T&A star Melinda Armstrong, models Lauren Hays, Robin Arcuri - but the truth is they don't appear for long. Good news is you get some decent solos away from the stage and public gawking of bikini clad ladies (not in the contest). The bad news is there's some stage elements shown that aren't hot (first 42 mins). Then it breaks off into "Palm Springs at Night" where the fluff goes overdrive. A lot of cringe humor from "hosts" thru interviews with ladies in public & bad jokes typical of vids from the 90's (55 mins total).
If you're old enough to recall late night 1-900 infomercials with bikini babes, the abundance of these sorts of contests or how Swimsuit issues from the likes of SI or Sport magazine used to get you excited there's some old fashioned joy here. 'Bikini Bash' is a bit of a time machine and while bikinis have never lost their popularity it's all about taking them off now. If you want a blast from the past this makes for an okay view.
Teasers (1993)
Pitching a Tent
'Teasers' is fairly easy to review because it's not a real movie even though it's trying to appear as such. It's striptease after striptease as fueled by credit card fraud (lol). Nudity is it's one and only goal which admittedly it has in spades. Barely any dialog - none from the women including headliner Julie Strain - and only the tiniest bit of a setup and ending. It's a juvenile fantasy come to life circa 1993.
Two underage buddies (Chris Parrish, Woods Laufer) enter a stripclub and watch Cowgirl (Annette Burger) do her thing. When another patron accidently leaves his credit card behind they take it before being tossed out because of their age. With access to an out of town friends house too, they get the idea to call up a service that provides ladies to come over, strip and get naked for their pleasure and amusement. After a full night of this some detectives show up and it seems like the party is finally over ... but it is?
All the women are referred to in the credits by their dancing shall we say theme. French Maid (Amy Rochelle), Bullfighter (Lauren Hays), School Girl (Ashlie Rhey), Business Woman (Lisa Sutton), Bride (Melinda Armstrong), Fashion Vamp (Strain), Country Girl (Melody Johnson) and Policewoman (Holly Spencer). Some of the ladies only go topless, but surprisingly many go all the way. The majority goes down on a set meant to look like a house's living room with insert shots of the guys on the couch. Pretty basic uninspired filmmaking and both guys clearly look like adults.
The nudity within this VHS era OOP romp 'Teasers' won't knock your socks off, but it has an undeniable 90's feel to it. Light, harmless and absolutely bare bones. The type of material that would have gotten a rise outta young men back in the day. Kinda thing you would have stayed up late at night after your parents went to bed to watch. It's those vibes that give it a level of kitch, but for obvious reasons I can't rate this highly (60 mins runtime).
Hot Body Hall of Fame: Summer Leigh (1998)
Summer Love
A hot blonde that never attained the same level as other models at the height of 90's big boob craze, Summer Leigh at the very least got her own Hot Body 'Hall of Fame' title. She did work for Playboy, appeared in the pages of Score (did one edition of their beloved boobcruise). Unlike other HoF titles I've seen (Christy Carrera, Tracy Dali) the "filler" of other ladies is intercut with Summer's scenes instead of being left until afterwards. The good news is the main attraction delivers nicely.
Standard intro leads into an interview with the lady in question looking great in a blue dress (2 mins). Then a much anticipated strip from it where she looks mighty fine hitting a bunch of poses. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it looks like she's gonna spread the pink at the end but doesn't (5 mins). "A Bed Time Story For Mae" see's her in a cheetah print dress inside. On a bed that comes off and the panties two minutes later. From here there's some spicy looks at her landing strip kitty including her clearly rubbing it (4.5 mins).
"Summer's Hot Body Recap" is an edited look at previous titles such as 'Bikinis & Bikes', 'Sweet Dreams', 'Hot Body World Championship' and 'Summer Heat'. In the mix is her boobs jiggling on a tennis court, her stripper stage show talents. Plus naked on a bed outside at night, naked on a blanket, washing down her big boobs and a car & oiled up on a lawn chair which is always a hot look (5 mins). "Shawnee's Pool Party" has the lady get out of a see thru bikini top and thong bottoms that show off her butt nicely. I'm always a sucker for outdoor sunny segments and nice closeups kick things up a notch (5 mins).
"Learning To Dive With Summer Leigh" is exactly what it sounds like, but first she goes thru a few different pieces of clothing while talking before settling on a top, skirt. This of course comes off as she poses on a diving board that shows off every itch of her body then she's shown actually diving a few times (5 mins). "Morgan Hills Racks 'Em Up" is the lady's requisite pool number. She clears a few balls and then gets naked. Morgan is attractive, but the scene had trouble really grabbing me even with some nice shots (4.5 mins).
"Summer Hits The Shower" has her chat for a bit and then time to get out of her clothes, get wet. Removal of a white bra, cutoff jean shorts is always a pleasant look ditto her soaping up her wet body. Her boobs, shaved kitty get the requisite focus before things are over (6 mins). "A Heather In A Haystack" finds Heather Monroe outside in front of hay bails in her polka dot bra, panties. Her tanned body is a sight and better when completely naked. Shots of her tanned butt are really great (5 mins). "Summer Takes You To Bed" didn't please me with the first two mins going towards a chat, ditto another two on top without any nudity, but hot shots - closeups of her boobs, shaved kitty - later salvage things (7 mins). "Coming Attractions" is an ad for an upcoming video starring blonde bombshell Christy Carrera that gives some excellent nude looks at her body (1 mins).
I always feel bad talking about the other ladies in a Hot Body HoF title. I guess because I'm here for the star and this material feels like a cop-out. Luckily Summer Leigh's stuff is good. See her scene from Playboy's 'Voluptuous Vixens II' if you haven't already. She's featured in a hot number with fellow lookers Tawny Peaks, Linda O'Neil that is a delight.
Playboy's Casting Calls: New York & Arizona (2008)
I Can't Go For That
My journey down the road of watching Playboy audition ladies started with 'Tryouts' and I wasn't blown away by the results. Let's be honest - it's a low energy idea, cheap - but you still get a dose of female nudity you came for I suppose. However 'Casting Calls: New York & Arizona' makes that video I just named look fantastic in comparison. Took me three start-and-stop attempts to finish this title.
You should know upfront a lot of time is spent talking with the ladies in NY and nudity doesn't come at a steady clip. A narrator takes us thru them and you'll notice that even though 350+ showed up only a small number get shown off. The largest portion - Arizona - cuts straight to the action. I don't think this requires a detailed breakdown all things considered but here we go.
NYC;
- Intro sets the stage, some of the ladies, staff featured (1.5 mins)
- Best friends, former Hooters girls Amy & Jennifer chat, audition. They both look super fine, but the format isn't doing any wonders in the titillation category (3 mins)
- 1st "Casting Call Confessions" deals with weird, odd places to have sex as the girls talk clothed on a couch (1 min)
- Annette's talk about her weirdest sex place (outdoor sheds working at Home Depot) leads straight into her audition, chat. She looks stunning, but too much time is wasted on stuff other than her naked (2 mins)
- 2nd "Casting Call Confessions" is ladies choice for best time of day to have sex (30 secs)
- Roseanna stands out from the pack by not being a traditional blonde in her own words and I have to agree, but again the good stuff is minimal (2 mins)
- Priscilla a pretty redhead chats, has her photos taken (2 mins)
- 3rd "Casting Call Confessions" is about biggest turn-ons (50 secs)
- 31 year old Jennifer has her audition and comes off very well having kept her body in shape and she has the confidence to pose nude (2 mins)
- 4th "Casting Call Confessions" is favorite moves in bed (50 secs)
- Kristen a hot brunette does her thing - chat, photos - but the focus isn't where you want (3.5 mins)
- Dominique another spicy lady has the right look to be in Playboy in my opinion (2 mins)
- 5th "Casting Call Confessions" talks what makes a perfect man (45 secs)
- Melissa had to beg her husband to do this and he's shown, talked to in the usual chat, photos setup (2.5 mins)
- 6th "Casting Call Confessions" is the best part of the body to be touched (45 secs)
- Ingrid from Columbia talks about what a honor it would be to make Playboy. I think she has what it takes, but I'm partial to Latinas (3 mins)
Arizona;
- Straight into Amanda who is heard continuously over getting photos taken in a room with a simple backdrop (2.5 mins)
- Celisse is the same deal. This dark haired beauty drops from her bra, panties as she talks (3 mins)
- Jorie is an energetic brunette who strips from her red bra, panties as she talks about her future plans (3.5 mins)
- Busty blonde Celeste drops from her black and gold bra, panties as she chats about herself (2.5 mins)
- Amber in a green bra, white panties drops from them as she talks about getting into Playboy (2 mins)
- Mariel is your busty brunette who reminded me of Erica Campbell. She gets out of her matching bra, panties as she chats (3.5 mins)
- Angeline is a spunky blonde who gets out of her green bra, panties as she strikes her poses, talks (4.5 mins)
- Devon gets out of her two piece white bikini as she talks, shows off her 'heart breaker' tattoo on her butt (4.5 mins)
- Maria gets out of her purple lingerie as she chats (3.5 mins)
- Tricia the sole Canadian gets out of her red/black bra, panties and chats (3 mins)
A lack of continuous nudity is enough to sink this title all by itself, but 'Casting Calls: New York & Arizona' is also saddled with a scattershot presentation. I don't subscribe to Playboy TV, but this is put together in such a way to think it's origins lay there. New York (28 mins) wastes a lot of time and Arizona feels thrown at you. In hindsight, 'Tryouts' had a better balance of hearing, seeing the ladies in short clips that could turn you on. I can't say the same thing here.