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Reviews
...Where's Rodney? (1990)
How do you botch a Rodney Dangerfield sitcom? This is how!
Rodney Dangerfield's signature line of "I tell ya, I get no respect" is never more evident than in this bomb of a TV Pilot. Dangerfield finally hit the big time with BACK TO SCHOOL (1986), which was the sixth highest grossing film in the U. S. that year. How did Hollywood capitalize? By creating quite possibly the worst TV show pilot in history (which says a lot) in ...WHERE'S RODNEY. Dangerfield plays himself and is at the mental whims of a 14 year old obsessed with Dangerfield also named Rodney (Jared Rushton from HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS) who can zap Dangerfield to his side when he needs advice. We also get lots of "comedy" involving the kid's home life (with Jay Thomas as his dad). It is like the creators sat down and said "Let's make something that appeals to NONE of Dangerfield's fans." Insanity.
Escape from Safehaven (1988)
Americans do the New York post-apoc
A family of four moves out of the bombed-out looking environs of Brooklyn to Safehaven 186, a guarded building offering safety from the bad world. Unfortunately, the place is run by a gang led by Preacher (Roy MacArthur). When the family father is falsely arrested, son Jeff (John Wittenbauer) must team up with brooding loner Pierce (Rick Gianasi) to take on Preacher and his gang. The Italians pretty much dominated the NYC post-apoc game, but it is interesting to see the American take on it. They shoot at the same bombed out neighborhoods the Italians did for ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (1983), but the creation of the safehaven city is a bit weak. Gianasi, who apparently had the NY sci-fi leading man roles sewn up in the '80s, is good and it is funny the bad guys feel they can convey their badness by having British accents. Director Brian Thomas Jones had previously done THE REJUVENATRIX (1988) and this - which shot as BLOODSCAPE (huh?) in February 1988 - is the definition of a sophomore slump. There are some good qualities to it though and the last 30 minutes it gets it going.
Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)
More like Jeepers Creepers: Stillborn
It takes a special kind of talent to call your franchise reboot Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022) and promptly kill the series you are trying to resurrect. A young couple go to a horror convention (that is scary enough) and get selected to do an escape room house based around the local legend of The Creeper, the winged man-monster that shows up every 23 years. What they don't know is this is all a set up to make them the creature's latest meal.
For better or worse, Victor Salva's Jeepers Creepers trilogy was a solid intro for a new "horror icon" (© every horror news site). It set simple rules and had its monster attack people. This follows that same set up, but tries to up it with some bizarre new plot twists. For example, this one features a cult that worships the Creeper and brings the victims to them. If you are hoping for more info than that, you will be sorely disappointed. The film literally has the cult trap the people in the house, one of them says, "They're all yours now" and then they walk away, never to be seen again. There is an interesting new idea where the Creeper can attach dead body parts to its own damaged body to regenerate, but again it is never fully explained. Heck, if it was it wouldn't even matter as the film is so cheaply made. A lot of criticism online has been about how damn cheap the film looks and I can't disagree. From the fake sets to the greenscreen work to the fake CGI, it looks more like a bad Youku movie. Director Timo Vuorensola made those terrible looking Iron Sky films, so it makes sense this looks just as bad. You know you've screwed up when the viewer is wishing for the more subtle style of Salva. I did get a couple of laughs from dumb bits like the phone in the decaying mansion still working (did the Creeper immediately start a phone plan when it was resurrected that morning?) and the bit where the hip Youtube crew (ugh!) following our leads find their cameraman dead minutes after they arrive at the house and one says, "It's fresh, whatever got him just got here." Of course it is fresh! You literally just got there with the man! Sadly, boneheaded stuff like that can only entertain so much.
Comrades in Arms (1991)
The baffling third part of J. Christian Ingvordsen "Frank White Trilogy"
Frank White back working for the U. S. Government in the next sequel Comrades in Arms (1991). Now this is where my journey truly knocked me on my ass. First the plot particulars: White's new team botches a raid on a drug boss, so his CIA boss (Lance Henriksen!) demands he team up with some Soviet soldiers to take out the drug kingpin. Now for the mind bending. Once again, Lyle Alzado is top billed, so I got my hopes up that he would get more screen time. Now here is the crazy part - Alzado is General Orlof in Shocktroop (1988) and General Rada in this. Now for the craziest part - they just use the same footage of him from Shocktroop and dub it to make him a good guy this time. Now for the "what the hell is going on, did someone spike my drink" part - both Alzado scenes in each movie have him interacting with Steven Kaman as a Russian colonel. But...wait for it...he is a different Russian colonel dressed exactly the same. In Shocktroop he is a bad guy named Kotchev and in Comrades he is a good guy named Kotchov! Hell, Frank White KILLED Kotchev in Shocktroop! And this isn't redubbed footage as my OCD tendencies made me compare both scenes and they definitely shot new reaction shots of Kaman in this film. I guess it is a decent cost cutting matter, but also super-duper confusing (although to be fair to Ingvordsen, I bet he never expected anyone to power watch these three films in as many days). To add to the confusion, at one point White's CIA contact (Rick Washburn, again as a different mentor character) calls Frank White by the nickname "Bone" - the name of a character in other Ingvordsen films - several times. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Things are so convoluted that even the actors from his troupe can't get things straight. To be fair, this one ups the action (naturally, the finale takes place at an empty warehouse), but who knew guys running around shooting stuff up could be so boring? As with the two previous films, it ends with White having his faith in the U. S. Government shaken which leads to...J. Christian Invordsen next starting a four-film quadrilogy called Airboss starring Frank Zagarino as Frank White. Looking at the IMDb credits for those films, there is a supporting character named Bone Conn. WHAT!? (insert Scanners exploding head GIF). Dang it, I'm out.
Shocktroop (1988)
The second part of J. Christian Ingvordsen "Frank White Trilogy"
Frank White back working for the U. S. Government in the Covert Action (1988) sequel Shocktroop (1989). The follow-up opens with our boy back in the U. S. S. R. (unconvincingly played by Ontario) as he is tasked with recovering some stolen military hardware. It doesn't end well as he is captured, and his CIA contact (Danny Aiello!) disavows White back in America. White is sent to a gulag, but quickly escapes alongside the guy who was sent there to kill him. The duo then joins a mujahideen to fight the evil Soviets. Imagine Rambo III (1988) with barely any action and you have Shocktroop. While it is impressive that Ingvordsen got this out shortly after Stallone's third John Rambo entry, this one truly did me dirty as not only is it lacking action, but it runs a whopping 1 hour and 57 minutes. Ingvordsen obviously had some more money this time around as in addition to his regular players we get the aforementioned Aiello and former NFL star Lyle Alzado, who is cast as a Russian general (!!!). I'd say this is a genius move in terms of entertainment, especially when Alzado switches from speaking Russian to using his heavy New YAWK accent, but he is only in a few scenes and never comes face-to-face with White. As with the first film, it ends with White having his faith in the U. S. Government shaken which leads to the sequel Comrades in Arms (1991) a few years later.
Covert Action (1988)
The first part of J. Christian Ingvordsen "Frank White Trilogy"
Writer/producer/director/star J. Christian Ingvordsen created his next action hero, Frank White, with this film and decided White would be more of a talker. NOOOOOOOO! The trilogy kicked off with Cover Action (1988), which lives up to its title by featuring lots of Congressional testimony in its first half. White is being grilled by a Congressdude about the assassination of a Central American politician in the U. S. and some covert CIA missions White was one. Via flashbacks we learn about White becoming the protege of super sniper Rick Burns (Rick Washburn, returning from earlier films as a new character and armorer) and how their intertwining lives led to the assassination. Things pick up in the second half as White and Burns chase each other, and we get not one but two big shootouts in empty warehouses. It ends with White having his faith in the U. S. Government shaken, which leads to the sequel Shocktroop (1989) the following year.
Hangmen (1987)
And the J. Christian Ingvordsen action-man legacy begins!
Prior to this, my only exposure to the cinema of J. Christian Ingvordsen was the film Blue Vengeance (1989). I had seen ads for stuff here and there in Variety, but never knew the extent of his work. Now seeing that he had created several cinematic universes, I decided to check out his work in order. According to his IMDb, Ingvordsen kicked off his film career as a producer with the T&A drama Model Behavior (1982). He just went by Christian Ingvordsen on that one, so things didn't seem to really take off until he added the J. And opted to be more involved in the production. Hangmen (1987) sees him in full vanity project mode as he is credited as director, co-producer, co-writer, and co-star.
The story involves CIA agent Rob Greene (Rick Washburn) finding out about a rogue group of CIA assassins who killed a Senator. On the run, Greene's family becomes a target, and he tells his estranged son Danny (Keith Bogart) to seek help from his old 'Nam buddies. While short on plot, Hangmen does benefit from lots and lots of bloody shootouts around various NYC locales that can hold those with a short attention span (me!). Washburn probably got the lead as he was a film armorer prior to this. That and the fact Washburn is a co-producer probably explains why he's top billed because he isn't really a leading man type, looking more like Burt Young's younger brother. And Eastwood and Schwarzenegger needn't worry about losing their status as top quip givers of the era as Washburn says to an assassin who comes in through the window, "Didn't your mother teach you to knock?" Perhaps the film's biggest claim to fame now is it features the debut of one Sandra Bullock as she plays Danny's college girlfriend who, naturally, gets kidnapped by the bad guys. Jake LaMotta shows up in one scene as an arms dealer and one Dog Thomas stars as Dog Thompson. Ingvordsen casts himself as one of Greene's Vietnam crew, establishing the name Bone Conn right off the bat. The character/name appears in his next film Search and Destroy (1988), so I'll let you know soon if it is a true sequel. To his credit, Ingvordsen didn't pull a David Heavener and cast himself as the lead...yet.
Hit the Dutchman (1992)
Bizarre cinema companion piece to Mad Dog Coll (1992)
Okay, here's a weird one. Back in the early 1990s, Menahem Golan decided the best thing for his inherited company 21st Century was to shoot two gangster films back-to-back in Russia. Not sure why the prolific exploitation producer jumped on the 1920s/30s gangster bandwagon. Maybe thought Mobsters (1991) and Billy Bathgate (1991) were hits? Anyway, he took advantage of the cheap labor in Russia and the end results were Hit the Dutchman (1992) and Mad Dog Coll (1992; released in the US as Killer Instinct). He wasn't going to let anything get in his way, including an attempted coup in August 1991 (a production stance that made U. S. papers at the time).
To save money (and stick close to history), several actors play the same real-life characters as the mobsters featured were all associates. So both films feature Bruce Nozick as Arthur "Dutch Schultz" Flegenheimer; Christopher Bradley as Vincent "Mad Dog" Coll; Jeff Griggs as Peter Coll; Eddie Bowz as Joey Noe; and Will Kempe as Jack "Legs" Diamond. Naturally, they aren't as unattractive as the real life thugs. Now here the weird part - despite being connected and featuring the same cast, both films are wildly different in terms of the fates of characters. For example, in HTD Peter Coll is killed by Schultz in a shootout in the backstage of a theater; in MDC Peter Coll is gunned down on the street by a Schultz henchman. In reality he was gunned down while driving. "Mad Dog" Coll is killed the same way in both films (tommy gunned while in a phone booth in a store, which is historically accurate), but HTD has Schultz in the shop while MDC has Schultz being the one getting the phone call. Ready for more mind-bending chaos? Both films feature Lucky Luciano and in HTD he is played by Leonard Donato, while in MDC he is played by Matt Servitto, who plays the Schultz partner Bo Weinberg in HTD! And how about this: Rachel York is the singer love interest in MDC and Jenny McShane is the singer love interest in HTD and lip-synchs to songs sung by...Rachel York! I haven't been this confused since Exorcist: The Beginning/Dominion. (Insert Jackie Chan confused meme) As for the films, they are okay time killers. Golan directed HTD and does a decent job (look for him in a cameo as an assassinated mobster) with Russia sorta passing for Depression era NYC. MDC has two credited directors in Greydon Clark and Ken Stein. This one is notable in that the cinematography is by Janusz Kaminski and when MDC hit video store shelves on March 24, 1993, he was a few weeks deep into filming something called Schindler's List (1993) for which he would win something called an Oscar. The photography on the equally slick looking HTD is handled by Nicholas von Sternberg, who made his debut with Dolemite (1975). Thus, Spielberg is only separated from Rudy Ray Moore by a few people.
Confessions of a Pop Performer (1975)
Ask(with) and ye shall receive!
Timothy Lea (Robin Askwith) and his brother-in-law Sidney (Antony Booth) decide to ditch their window cleaning business to back a pop group named Kipper. Naturally, this results in lots of wacky hijinx and a bevvy of naked ladies. Adapted from a series of books by Christopher Wood, this was the second in a series of four sex farce films (preceded by Confessions of a Window Cleaner in 1974 and followed by Cpnfessions of a Driving Instructor in 1976 and Confessions from a Holiday Camp in 1977). This was my first exposure to this genre of British film and might be my last. I'd previously seen Askwith - who looks like Mick Jagger's handsomer brother - in a bunch of early '70s Brit horror films where he is killed. No such luck here. To give you how "zany" this film is, in the first ten minutes we get Askwith in his underwear being chased by a jealous husband with a javelin (done in sped up Benny Hill style), two beers spilled on people, Sidney being sprayed in the face with a fountain pen, another jealous husband getting swacked in the groin by his suspenders and Askwith hanging nude out of a window. I took it all in with a stiff upper lip, although I will admit there is one gag that made me laugh. Kipper is playing for Queen Elizabeth and the Lea family gets all dressed up to be around royalty. The father is rushing them as they'll be late and then they all walk into their living room to watch it on TV. Yeah, that's all I got. I'm sure due to the rampant nudity (if you set a timer, I'd bet it surfaces every seven minutes) they were childhood faves of kids growing up in the UK. Would love to hear about the formative experiences of experiencing these.
Dracula Untold (2014)
Movie Exec: "Hey, the Game of Thrones is popular right now!"
My viewing of this was spurred solely by seeing it pop up for free on my cable and going "Huh, I forgot that movie existed." Instead of adapting the novel (crazy talk, I know), this production tries to pretend its source was written by Bram R. R. Stoker-Martin. Yup, we're going Game of Thrones on the world's most famous bloodsucker as this takes us to the Ottoman empire in the 15th century and gives us a Dracula origin story mixed with the faux history of Vlad Tepes. Handsome Vlad Draculea (Luke Evans) pines for his equally beautiful family when he isn't impaling thousands of people of stakes. With war with the Turks looming, he opts to climb into a cave to gain strength from a vampire (Charles Dance, oddly looking like Mother Teresa). Of course Vlad's wife and son soon become pawns and are kidnapped by the Sultan. Before you can scream "I will find you" like Daniel Day-Lewis, our newly minted monster must unleash his inner beast.
You can almost hear a studio exec screaming, "It's like Game of Thrones but with Dracula" as this one unfolds. The irony here is that this script predated the television adaptation of Thrones by several years, even garnering praise on The Black List in 2006 under its original (and equally unappealing) title Dracula: Year Zero. The fact that it got any compliments kind of baffles me given the dialogue during Vlad's conversion to vampirism. No joke, I had to pause the film because I wanted to jot down some of these stupefying lines, all of which - I kid you not - appear within a five minute sequence. Behold:
"Sometimes the world no longer needs a hero. Sometimes what it needs is a monster."
"I've waited an eternity for a man of your strength."
"If I am your savior, then you are mine."
"This is not a game."
"This is a game. Light versus darkness, hope versus despair."
"Let the games begin."
Absolutely stunning screenwriting. Then again, this is the kind of film where Dracula can turn into seemingly a million bats and kill thousands of soldiers, but can't catch up to his wife as she falls off a cliff to her death. The kind of film where his superhero senses can hear her scream from miles away, but also not when the plot demands it. The kind of film where the Sultan decides the best way for his army to battle this beast is to be blindfolded ("They can't fear what they can't see."). Yes, blindfolded. They march in unison over hilly terrain...BLINDFOLDED! Of course, this is explained when he says to his men, "When your generals blindfolded you, you did not think you could march without seeing. But you could!" Ah, glad the screenwriters cleared that up. Even better, it is completely pointless as they are all murdered by bat-man and his millions of bats the second Dracula sees them. Even worse is these battle scenes are so poorly executed that you can't even tell what is happening during most of it. And is there really any suspense when we see Dracula taking out full battalions over and over? Alex Proyas was attached at one point, but the eventual director is Irishman Gary Shore, who had only done two shorts prior to this. Ah, the perfect person to entrust a $70 million dollar budget to. The same Universal Studios & Legendary braintrust decided late in the game that they wanted this to be part of their planned Dark Universe horror (D. U. H.?) film series and tacked on a modern day ending where Vlad runs into Mina while Charles Dance repeats his "let the games begin" line. The games, in fact, did not begin. The whole thing is just over 90 minutes, but it felt like it was going on forever. No surprise that failing to adapt one of the world's most famous horror novels for a new generation resulted in a tepid response and the equally baffling-choice filled Mission: Impossible - The Mummy (2017) helped pour dirt on the proposed cinema universe. But not before Universal did a photo shoot promising subsequent unmade films featuring Johnny Depp as The Invisible Man and Javier Bardem as Frankenstein's monster. To quote the latter, "We belong dead."
House (2008)
If you ever wanted to know what a Christian film directed by Rob Zombie would look like, here you go!
Heading to see a marriage counselor, the Singletons (Reynaldo Rosales and Heidi Dippold) blow two tires on an Alabama back road. Looking for help, they stumble upon the isolated Wayside Inn and find another couple there as well. The place is run by a creepy family (Leslie Easterbrook, Bill Moseley, and Lew Temple) and they offer to let everyone stay. After a rather tense dinner, the Singletons try to leave but are confronted by The Tin Man, a masked figure who demands the visitors pay for their various sins.
Based on the book by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti, House was given a limited theatrical release in November 2008. It opened in my area (we're just down the road from The 700 Club), but I didn't go see it. I kind of wish I had as R-rated horror film aimed at Christian audiences isn't likely to happen that often. Director Robby Henson does a good job creating atmosphere (the SAW films were obviously a huge influence) and the production does well masking Poland for rural Alabama. The script is a bit simplistic ("Light destroys darkness" says the angel surrogate character) and the story steals a big page from Carnival of Souls (1962). The supporting cast is good as the crazy family and reads like the line up at a horror convention. To solidify that fact, Michael Madsen also shows up as a cop.
Timemaster (1995)
Seriously...what the HECK did I just watch?!
Director James Glickenhaus' swan song Timemaster is the kind of story you have seen a million times. You know (takes in deep breath) where interdimensional aliens steal people from parallel universes in order to make them compete in a virtual world death games where people gamble on the matches with their lifeforce that is a blue liquid and this poor kid (Glickenhaus' son Jesse) was orphaned after his parents (Joanna Pacula and Duncan Regehr) were stolen in a post-nuke 2007 America, so with the help of a sympathetic alien (Pat Mortita!) he goes bouncing from world to world to find his mom and dad until he meets the main bad guy (Michael Dorn) and challenges him in a virtual ski race to free his parents, but also wants to stop the nuclear war in his timeline that was set off accidentally in the White House kitchen while saving his sister from growing up to be a biker babe in an alternate timeline. Got all that?
Seriously, what the hell did I just watch? Glickenhaus went out with a bang in terms of production values, but his screenplay is literally all over the place. Lots of famous cult faces show up including Irwin Keyes, Zelda Rubinstein, and "Mean" Gene Okerlund and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan (as the announcers of the virtual combat event). It is also one of the first films of Michelle Williams, who plays the love interest of the lead kid. True to his action roots, Glickenhaus does at least pepper in some amazing cliff jumps in the ski sequence. After this film, he left the movie industry to jump into the much more stable world of high-end race car construction.
The Devil Takes a Holiday (1996)
Unreleased-until-now comedy that is notable for one thing
The story revolves around a group of people showing up for Thanksgiving at the house of obnoxious Vinnie Grannucci (Robert Miranda). What they don't know is the turkey this year was used in a Santería ceremony earlier and this results in the devil showing up. OOF! I always wonder about unreleased films and in most cases the rarity is due to the film not being very good. That is definitely the case here. According to the IMDb here, this was filmed as BIGOTS, PERVERTS AND OTHER FINE AMERICANS, proving editor-writer-producer-director Leon Corcos always had a bad way with titles. The cast tries, but nothing is really funny. The aforementioned notability is that one Joe Carnahan worked on this as a producer and provider of extra dialogue. After this, Corcos helped produce Carnahan's debut BLOOD, GUTS, BULLETS AND OCTANE (1998) before Carnahan became a A-list director. You also get Victor Wong in one of his last roles as a Santería priest.
Wrong Turn VI (2014)
Are we supposed to root for the killers?
Danny (Anthony Ilott) and a gaggle of friends arrive at Hobb Springs Resort, which Danny has unexpectedly inherited. The two caretakers - brother and sister Jackson (Chris Jarvis) and Sally (Sadie Katz) - set everyone up for their stay, but what the guests don't know is they are part of the inbred cannibal family and Danny might be related.
So this is how it all ends? I swear the only creative effort put into these films are the title puns. The sixth and final (to date) sequel is just another hillbillies-stalk-random-characters affair. Amazingly, the filmmakers opt to have the least sympathetic victims ever as they are all spoiled trust fund stock brokers from New York. Do you want us to root for the villains? Helmer of 3-5 Declan O'Brien split for greener pastures (seriously, he turned this down to make The Marine 4 & 5) and newcomer Valeri Milev takes over. I wanted to laud the series for finally having a female director, but turns out he is just Bulgarian. Pretty obvious English is his second language when he doesn't demand Jarvis - who gives lots of rants about loving his heritage - use a Southern accent. I will give him credit for one scene where Jackson is teaching Danny how to hunt with a bow and arrow that is crosscut with a bit where Three Finger hunts a cop. Of course, all that credit is revoked after the firehose enema scene.
While watching this one, my mind started to wander and I tried to see if I could remember all of the sequels I had seen over the past month. Okay, Wrong Turn 2 was the reality show one with Henry Rollins. 3 was...ah, dang, what was it...(thinks for like 3 minutes)...oh yeah, the prisoners one. 4 was the prequel in the snow. 5 was...heck...(thinks hard for a minute)...oh yeah, the Doug "You're all doomed" Bradley/Assault on Precinct 13 one. And 6 was...I forget. It is amazing how these films have gotten so far on so little. It is just giggling hillbillies attacking folks in the woods and nothing else. Sign of the times I guess, but it really earns this series the title of laziest horror series ever.
Wrong Turn 5 (2012)
The one with Doug Bradley
Five college kids head to Fairlake, West Virginia for the "Mountain Man" festival on Halloween. They don't make it as they almost hit a man on the road and crash their car. The man, Maynard Odets (Doug Bradley), attacks them and soon everyone is arrested by Sheriff Angela Carter (Camilla Arfwedson). This is bad news because Maynard is a serial killer who just happens to live with our mutant hillbilly trio and, before you can say Assault on Precinct 13, they are descending upon the jail to free him.
I thought this one might have a chance when the title card had the 5 in the form of a severed hand. Funny. After this shot, Bradley asks the cannibals for a hand and one picks it up to hand to him (wahwah). He says, "With the body!" (wahwahwah) showing the film has all the subtlety of Leatherface with a hammer. It is kind of amazing that returning director Declan O'Brien shot this back-to-back with part 4 and it looks so much cheaper. For example, they skimp on the rednecks make up with Saw Tooth and One Eye looking like they are wearing cheap masks. Also, they look like cheap Geico caveman masks. There is gore, but it is cheap too.
Speaking of cheap, Bradley must have been held in glass box in the Bulgarian back lot that said "break in case of unnecessary sequel" and he sometimes attempts a West Virginia accent as his finds 50 ways to say, "Y'all gonna die." His character refers to the rednecks as "my boys" but it is never really clear if he is related to them or a character from the earlier films (remember, 4 &5 are prequels to parts 1-3; you will be quizzed on this). Some people theorize he is their father, but that can't be as 4 opened stating that as teens they killed their parents. Ah, jeez, someone get me a chalk board.
Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)
I saw it and barely remember it
A bus transporting a group of convicts from a West Virginia prison is driven off the road by one of our hillbilly mutants. Guard Nate Wilson (Tom Frederic) is quickly overtaken by the prisoners led by crime kingpin Carlos Chavez (Tamer Hassan) and forced to lead them to safety. Along the way they encounter a armored truck filled with money (!) and Alex Miles (Janet Montgomery), a lone survivor of a rafting group who warns them of the bloodthirsty killers.
The pun in the title might be the most amusing thing about this one. The producers must have made quite a bit off Wrong Turn 2 (2007) as they took the next logical step - they cut the budget and went to Bulgaria (which actually doubles for the West Virginia setting quite well). They also pared down the bad guys, giving us only two (!) mutants and one of them is killed early on. One thing that struck me while watching this is we are three films in and the producers haven't even bothered to given the mutants any identities. Like no distinguishing looks (unless you count cleft lips) and not even a nickname slung by one of their prey. Even the laziest '80s horror series wasn't that slack. Apparently the lead mutant is called "Three Fingers" and has been in all three so far; fans probably only got that info from the credits. Speaking of lazy, wait until you get a look at some of the computer effects in this. There is one nighttime driving shot that made me burst out laughing as it looked like an animation GIF. A shame as helmer Declan O'Brien actually does a decent job with mood setting (he returns for parts 4 & 5 apparently).
Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)
Decent follow up that is a good time waster
A group of folks head into the West Virginia backwoods to shoot a pilot for a Survivor-esque reality show hosted by a retired Marine (Henry Rollins). The premise is you are trying to survive a nuclear apocalypse, but that turns out to be the least of the problems for the contestants as they encounter some real life hillbilly mutants. I saw the original Wrong Turn (2003) in the theater and remember very little about it. I knew they made a couple of sequels, but had no idea they were up to six (!) entries. So this is the series I'm plowing through this month. This starts out really rough as nearly all of the characters are annoying, but once the action starts it gets a little better. Director Joe Lynch fills it with gore and it is cool to see Rollins go Rambo on the family. Unfortunately, there is some of the worst shaky-cam known to man during any of the attack scenes. Lynch tries to riff on the famous The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) dinner scene to no effect. He also offers us a hillbilly birth, masturbation, and sex scene that I'm sure the world didn't need. There are a couple of interesting moments and I appreciated a swerve regarding who the lead is. That said, if this series is just going to be non-stop deformed hillbillies killing random people, I might be in for a long journey.
Dwelling (2016)
Love the double meaning of the title
Sixteen years after her mother died in a fire, Ellie (Erin Marie Hogan) moves into a home with her husband and niece. While it appears that they are a happy family unit, Ellie has other plans as the house has the rep of being a haunted house and she is hoping to use it (and her gifted niece) as a conduit to contact her mother to find out what really happened that night. This is a decent little horror movie from debuting writer-director Kyle Mecca, who gets good performances and delivers some moody scenes in this Buffalo, New York lensed flick. I wouldn't say it is 100% successful as there are some narrative stumbles, but it plays it totally serious and I appreciated that. I actually feel sorry for flicks like this. First, it doesn't stand a chance in today's market flooded with thousands of streaming horror flicks, all with similar looking artwork (graphic designers for streaming horror films be feasting!). How can you catch anyone's attention? Second, if you do manage to capture someone, most likely they will not enjoy it because they are seeking bombastic James Wan-esque The Conjuring vibes that have faux exorcists turned into Avengers superheroes. This results in schizo review pages where some applauded the slow pace and care with characters, while others shout "booooooooooring!" Anyway, like I said it was decent.
Children of the Corn: Genesis (2011)
Why not hire someone who wants to try something different?
This might be the cheapest of the Children of the Corn series, as evidenced by it entering the "and Billy Drago" stage. This keeps everything small as 80% of the film is a young couple trapped on Drago's farm. The movie's big ending is just recycled car crash footage (taken from Bad Boys II) and I'm 99.9% certain the script was written when someone said, "Okay, we have access to this footage." Director Joel Soisson earned his keep at Dimension by directing The Prophecy 4 & 5 and Pulse 2 & 3 before this.
Seeing all seven COTC sequels in such quick succession left me with just one question - why? Not "why am I so dumb?" but "why bother making something so generic?" Unlike a F13 or Elm Street series, there are few attempts to maintain a connected storyline and it highlights how gross the Weinsteins/Dimension were with exploiting the Stephen King property they lucked their way into. Not that I think a COTC series running this long would thrive anywhere else, but at least someone would have given more effort. They should have gone the route of part III and given filmmakers the chance to be more creative with FX and the like. Instead they went the "just show some corn and creepy kids" route and the films are just 80 minute horror flicks designed to induce a rental fee.
Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2012)
One of the cheaper NOTLD remakes
Shot in Wales, this ultra-low budget reimagining is the fourth or fifth remake of Night of the Living Dead and by far the cheapest. As a sufferer of NOTLDitis, I knew it would cross my path at some point and I was honestly hoping to get a UK take on the world's most famous Night. Unfortunately, co-writer/director James Plumb doesn't have the budget to do much else as he tells his story of 7 people trapped in a rural home. To give the film credit, it does do something early on that I thought was absolutely brilliant in terms of NOTLD lore. But the rest is filled with dumb people making dumb decisions. Example: At one point the patriarch Gerald goes out in the car to find help and runs into a group of surviving teens with weapons. He just sits there in his car and waits for them to attack. If only he had some kind of heavy metal machine that could, ahem, reverse his bad luck. I also got a kick out of a dying grandfather quoting the Bible to his kin and a granddaughter replying, "How is it you can remember quotes from the Bible, but you can't remember my birthday?" As 2020 has taught us, pandemics don't dull the edges of everyone.
Ghoul (2012)
Stephen King wannabe that almost succeeds
Three kids - Timmy (Nolan Gould), Doug (Jacob Bila), and Barry (Trevor Harker) - are looking to spend the summer of '84 just having fun in their hidden fort. But a series of murders has them soon investigating the town's legend of the Ghoul, a monster that allegedly lives in the abandoned mine shafts. OOF! I copied a couple of original movies off of Chiller a few years back (this and The Monkey's Paw) and finally decided to give this one a spin. Based on the novel by Brian Keene, it is rough going and that is kind of surprising as director Gregory Wilson had previously made the disturbing-but-effective The Girl Next Door (2007). I haven't read any Keene but I think it is suffice to say he worships at the altar of Stephen King (for this book at least). It is almost like he is checking off a list of King themes like bullies, child abuse, childhood trauma, coming of age summers, family deaths, and "humans are the real monsters" moments. It might have worked in book form, but the adaptation is really bad here and some of the dialogue was cringe worthy. The film is ultimately sunk, however, by the terrible kid actors. Kid acting is one of filmdom's most precarious high wire acts. If done right, they can be amazing (see The Babadook). If done wrong, it can be disastrous (see, well, Ghoul). My friend said it best in that if you close your eyes while they are talking, it just sounds like some kids coldly reading the lines off a script they've just been handed.
Party Bus to Hell (2017)
Think Race with the Devil (1975) without any racing
The plot involves a large group taking a chartered bus to the Burning Man festival. When their driver stops in the middle of the desert, the group is attacked by a cult and quickly mowed down to seven survivors who are holed up in the stationary bus. This is mostly a comedy with a couple of gory moments peppered with punk girl nudity, coming off like a modern Troma movie more than anything. I had previously seen writer-director Rolfe Kanefsky's There's Nothing Out There (1991) and enjoyed it. This is in the same vein but without a budget. Maybe that was on purpose since he dedicates it to Ted V. Mikels. There are some spirited performances by the main cast (Sadie Katz is great as the bus driver) and a couple of funny lines. But even with the end credits starting at the 75 minute mark, it sort of outstays its welcome. Tara Reid fans (do those exist?) will be disappointed that the top-billed star is gone by the 12-minute mark. She looks and sounds haggard and her end credits billing shows her flubbing her lines.
The Demon's Rook (2013)
Wildly inventive horror b-movie
Ten-year-old Roscoe draws a demon named Dimwos that comes alive in his backyard and summons him to the netherworld. After years of dark arts training, Roscoe (James Sizemore) emerges from the ground a grown man. Unfortunately, a group of evil demons is now after him. I picked this indie horror film up a few years back after someone on my feed recommended it; the big draw being that it used all practical special effects. The Demon's Rook is probably one of the most impressive and surreal indie horror flicks I've seen in ages. A lot of the praise can be laid at the feet of leading man Sizemore, who might just be rural Georgia's answer to Peter Jackson as he seems to do everything on this film from acting to music to special effects. He designed and made the demons himself and they are great. There is also tons of gore thrown around and he loves to get crazy with the lighting. As with most indie flicks, the acting is spotty at points. There are also some pacing issues (it is way too long at 1 hour and 44 minutes) and too many "zombies attack random folks" bits. But all of that can be forgiven given the ambitious nature of the project and Sizemore's ability to make something really out there. One of my favorite indie horror views in a long time and I can't wait to see what he does next.
The Legend of Blood Mountain (1965)
Worth it for the era, but not much else
Wannabe reporter Bestoink Dooley (George Ellis) hears that Blood Mountain is "bleeding" again and heads there to try and get the scoop. He meets some locals and a scientist, who soon discover the ancient Indian legend about the bleeding mountain is true. Woooo boy! This horror-comedy indie shot in Georgia and uses Stone Mountain to pretty good effect. Unfortunately, there is the rest of the film which suffers in both the horror and comedy departments. Director Massey Cramer draws it out to such a degree that you feel sorry for audiences that didn't have the advantage of fast forwarding. Not that I did any of that because I felt it was essential to my life to watch Bestoink Dooley -- BESTOINK DOOLEY!!! -- slowly eat some cookies before bed or have dreams where he is a private eye who slooooowly sits with two girls. Ellis looks like a Zero Mostel knockoff minus the funny bone. Camp Video put this out on VHS in 1988 and were really selling it on the fact that Kenny Rogers' wife appears in one scene as a background extra (they even put a full pic of her on the back). They also re-titled it Demon Hunter and gave a fuzzy look at the monster with the hope some unsuspecting fool would pick up the VHS and watch it...oh dang, that's me!
The Haunted (1991)
"Janet? Janet? Janet!" still gives me goosebumps
This TV movie tells this "true story" of the haunting of the Smurl family in Pennsylvania. Jeffrey DeMunn and Sally Kirkland essay Jack and Janet Smurl, who move into a duplex with Jack's parents and soon find themselves haunted. This aired on Fox during sweeps in May 1991 and did really well for them. It is notable in that it is one of the few ghost films I can think of that shows a man (DeMunn) get raped by a demon. It is also of interest in that it features the first screen depiction of ghost-hucksters Ed and Lorraine Warren (played by Stephen Markle and Diana Baker, respectively). Of course, this is before James Wan morphed them into exorcist superheroes, so they just kinda show up for a few scenes and get spooked. Director Robert Mandel previously handled F/X (1986) and got the pilot duties for a little show called The X-Files after this. Kirkland also received a Golden Globe nomination for this.