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Ostatnia wieczerza (2022)
The Wicked Man
You ever wish an ending would've played-out how you thought it should, only to end up loving the actual ending all-together? No? Oh, I guess I'm alone.
I digress, this was yet another superior/low-budget supernatural film that takes me time to digest and I'm actually glad I waited until the next day to write my review. I needed that time to praise this more than my initial reaction.
And I didn't actually think I'd like it as the opening seemingly stole, shot-by-shot, The Omen's ending leading me to believe there was another Omen chapter/remake I missed. Add this to the slow (at the time) Act Two. It only gets exciting, predictably, in the third act.
Seven women are labelled missing after being sent to a monastery in the middle of nowhere for an exorcism. A new clergyman is sent there, but he may not be who he claims to be. Meanwhile, he starts seeing/experiencing some weird stuff and he might have gotten WAY over his head.
Overall, I actually REALLY liked this alternative Omen version. Not to mention, also in the same vein as Heredity, The Cabin in the Woods, and The Wicker Man (either.) If you liked any/all of those, you're bound to enjoy this as well.
To be fair, I believe I liked/loved all of those mentioned MORE than 2022's Hellhole, but that doesn't diminish how well made/written this was and would fit in perfectly with those for a mini-marathon. In the past, I've never been fully on board with religious-horror, but lately, I can't get enough of these...sans any nunsploitation. I truly, just can't get into that.
Anyhoo. Totally recommend this dark and fun ride to a loveable finale as this movie should end. See it.
***
Final Thoughts: My friend recommended me this and when I ran a search for it, 1985's unrelated Hellhole appeared alongside this one. I knew he meant the 2022 movie, but just for you know and giggles, I decided on a double Hellhole feature and watched the 1985 one first (see my review) and then this one. These two couldn't be further apart. Like aggressively distant. Not to say they're connected, aside from the title. It was just a fun experience to see two Hellhole movies at two ends of the spectrum back-to-back.
Come to think of it...This film is like the Original Wicker Man while 1985's Hellhole would be the Nick Cage-Classic Remake of The Wicker Man.
Hellhole (1985)
Holes, Indeed
Holey heck, this was released on my 11th birthday. Had I watched this then, I think this might have confused the adolescent I was even more.
Funny, I've actually never seen one of those women-in-prison/captive exploitation films. And I may not have if this horror disguised as action disguised as mystery disguised as sof+-core pourn didn't deceive me with it's scary, oh-so-80s, awesome VHS box cover.
I am literally shocked. Not because of the countless nakkid woman-on-woman, full-frontal long-shots. No, because YouTube has this all free and able to be viewed by all, including kids. But, hey, if a nood man was on a YT vid, they would ban the user and their next two lives.
And there WERE countless and random lesbeanne action scenes that never really fit any part of the plot. No need to worry, tho...the plot? It's as bad as the pourn scripts this resembles.
Anyways, in this so incredibly and unintentionally hilarious, should've been on MST3k romp, a mother and daughter, who incidentally hid some papers, get attacked sending the "young daughter" who's clearly late-20s (and was 27 at the time,) to an asylum because that's where you send all people with amnesia. So, I guess she truly lost her mind...to be sent there.
The rest of the "movie" is her trying to escape some nasty orderlies and the inmates finding excuses to have group/individual sex. Frankly, since I'm not interested in any of that, I found this rather boring and I tuned most of it out.
What I didn't tune out was the head doctor, Dr. Fletcher and the actress, Mary Woronov, chewing up and clearly stealing every scene she was in. I loooved her and quickly recalled her from Night of the Comet. She was so mesmerizing and over-the-top, it really made this worth watching.
Well, that and how funny this was (again, unintentionally) and so many LOL moments you can add your own MST3k commentary. I certainly did.
***
Final Thoughts: Just an observation, and coming from someone who hasn't seen too many nood ladies...I don't think shaving/trimming was common in 1985 if this movie represented the mid-80s. Some of them were so big and oddly square, I'd swear they were little cut-outs of carpet and glued on.
Color Out of Space (2019)
Far Out, Man
Not sure if someone has Cabin Fever or I need to be on some kind of narcotic. I really don't know what I just watched.
Admittedly, I'm not verse on the H. P. Lovecraftiverse. Is all his work this psychedelic? I did just learn he died on my Birthday, well, 37 years before I was born. I digress, they did hire the right actor to play the lead: Nic Cage.
This film is WEIRD, but it is unique and has a ton of practical effects which I will prefer 8 days a week over CGI. To be fair, I'm sure there is a ton of CGI here. It just felt a lot more body-horror made from humans.
The Gardner family are adjusting to the forest/farm life from the big city when all of a sudden, a pink meteorite disrupts their bickering. (Mind you, only for a bit.) Now that said Color Out of Space is spreading its pink-madness and there may not be any escape for...their Alpacas! Or, okay, any of us.
Undeniably, it's a well-made movie. It's super weird and too many people make too many dumb decisions. Wouldn't be a horror movie without them and they were probably under the pink-influence. It's not one I'll seek out again. Unless I do find myself under the influence.
And if I were, I'd much rather rewatch Cage's Mandy, instead. Still within his mouth of madness, but much more grounded.
***
Final Thoughts: Just looked through the adaptations of his work and I'm truly not familiar with Lovecraft's work outside the Re-Animator series (which I loved the first one,) and maybe 1987's The Curse and I just recognize the cover art. I may/may not have seen that.
MaXXXine (2024)
X-Woman: Her Last Stand
NO ONE should complain about not getting original movies/horror movies when Ti West writes/directs/edits movies.
Typically, I don't like it when franchises sway from their origins and not stick with the feel, tone and look of its chapters. Not with X. After rewatching Pearl and X (both 2022) this week, I relished with how incredibly different they are in ALL aspects, with the exception of cast/crew/locales. And now West has hit another homer in a completely different ballpark.
I really didn't know what to expect coming into this third chapter and what I got matched ZERO of any possible expectation I had. This movie, which I think will grow on me much like what Pearl had to do for me, was so wildly different than I've seen before.
It's a period piece movie (something, yes, the X-trilogy has in common) set in 1985, but it doesn't at all feel like all the other nostalgia-bait 80s movies/shows these days. West doesn't throw it in your face like Captain Marvel's first movie did repeatedly. It's 1985 and anyone who lived then will know this was true-1985 and that's all you need to know.
(On a side note, I did VERY much appreciate the setting and look of X set in 1979 and I think West did the very same here for the 6-year time jump.)
Maxine has moved on since the Texas slaughter from X, but not everyone has. While she's truly trying to make a star out of herself in Hollywood, you will feel every bit of stress she experiences while she juggles multiple jobs, friends, a new movie role and a serial killer who's pretty focused on her.
This movie is brutal and I meant what I said in the synopsis: while you may/may not like the character of Maxine, you'll truly feel the weight that's on her shoulders throughout this entire movie. I can't imagine going through all she had to without all the coke, of course. It was the 80s Hollywood, after all.
There are a few things that go beyond the suspension of disbelief and I simply couldn't accept. But, for the most part, I truly enjoyed the ride and occasional eXXXtreme carnage that accompanied her quest. The balls scene...may make most men cringe.
This isn't a movie to start the franchise with. In fact, it's best to watch them in their given order: X, Pearl and MaXXXine. In fact, I can't wait to do this again once all are available on streaming.
So, if you're a fan of the series, Ti West, Mia Goth or an ORIGINAL movie (even for a part III,) see this movie. Again, after seeing the other two great films, of course.
***
Final Thoughts: I am NOT one to encourage milking franchises, especially expanding on the traditional and usually final threesome: The Trilogy. Ah-hem, look at what happened to the perfect Bourne, original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. BUUUUT, I would really love to see a Peal 2.0 or Peal 3.0 set in the 40s, 50s or 60s. I can see so much more to Pearl's character and all we got was her as a young lady and the most extreme aged woman. There has to been some gross misadventures during any of those decades and I cannot accept she literally only killed in the Pearl prequel and right before/during X.
The First Omen (2024)
The First Bored
ANOTHER example of a prequel that didn't need to exist.
The original Omen from 1976 was enough. Damien: Part II, eh, okay fine. The Final Conflict, while not perfect, was a nice end to the saga. Oh wait, there's MORE...
Admittedly, I've not seen the TV movie, Omen IV: The Awakening, so no opinion here. But, then fast forward - past the remake from 2006 - to 2024 and they just wanna show how Damien was born.
Why? Again, the actual first was enough. This was overkill with very little kills.
There is absolutely no reason to watch this movie. I was literally bored throughout this movie. And to be frank, I played my phone games for the bulk of this as it never kept my interest. I did, however, pay attention to the climax and wondered how any of the first couple of acts meant anything.
Maybe I need to see this again to understand an ounce of reasoning to make this prequel. This may be on me, but I honestly saw no reason for this to exist and for the most part...I was unbelievably bored. If you saw something different, more power to you. Hopefully this led you to enjoy the original from the 70s more.
I just didn't believe this was AT ALL necessary.
***
Final Thoughts: Just from memory:
1. The Omen (1976)
2. Damien - Omen II (1978)
3. The Final Conflict (1981)
4. The Omen (2006)
5. The First Omen (2024)
6. (Only because I didn't see it) Omen IV: The Awakening.
Immaculate (2024)
Rosemary's Baby: Resurrection
I'm so removed from the Catholic religion, the plot had to literally spell everything out before the title clicked for me.
Yep, when the main character gets pregnant out of nowhere - no spoiler, again, see the title, I was OHHH, I forgot about that. LOL.
Immaculate is really a simple story of a superiorly young Nun moving to an Italian convent decades ago and trying to fit in when BAM! That virgin gets preggers. Then things get odd for her and how everyone treats her.
The biggest problem I had with this movie was how it was lit. Or, well, lack of light. This movie is beyond dark. I watched it during the day in a somewhat bright living room and I could barely see it. I wondered if I need to see this at night - which, of course, is my preferred method of horror movie viewings.
And so, I did, just now. All lights/night light things off, and it's much easier to see, but still horribly dark. I even adjusted my TV settings to make it brighter. That only helped a bit. Not sure why they made this choice.
I probably wouldn't have seen this movie as I'm not really into Nunsploitation films. I haven't even seen The Nun 1 or 2. It's just that my favorite reviewer/vlogger, James A. Janisse of Dead Meat fame, is covering this next weekend, so I figured I'd give it a shot. He rarely features movies he hates.
It reminded me of a Cross between Suspiria, Rosemary's Baby, The Omen and oddly, Alien: Resurrection. I am a fan of all of those, and yes, even Alien Part 4. So, I was okay here. Admittedly, there's not much to the story once the title issue is presented about one-third of the way in, but it does have a very effective opening and finale. And more than a few jump scares were effective.
Recommended, especially for Conjuring Universe fans.
***
Final Thoughts: "I can't believe anybody would want to be a Nun. I mean, 'Nun' - the word says it." ~ Blanche Devereaux. One of my favorite ever Golden Girls lines from my all-time favorite TV show.
St. Elmo's Fire (1985)
Fizzled
How was this not a soap opera with its 170 different characters?
St. Elmo's Fire IS responsible for giving us one of the GREATEST SONGS OF ALL TIME. Plus, the score is pretty darn good, to boot. But, that SONG. Grew up in the 80s, sure, but it's Iconic no matter what Gen you belong to.
Also, this is the movie with a thousand stars. I haven't seen so many stars since an Oscar presentation. If you're into the Brat Pack + 20, this is THEE 80s nostalgia movie for you. But, call me old, by now - despite growing up then...this was too much to keep up with.
In a group of 20something 20somethings, there's love lost and gained between a variety of chain-smoking alcoholics. Who will acquire whom and will you remember a single character from scene to scene?
I remember seeing this once, like 20 years ago. I wasn't a fan, but somehow this has come back into the spotlight recently. And not in a good light. I guess people are turning against this.
I absolutely didn't hate it, or even dislike it. It's absolutely an 80's capsule. I just could never get invested in the 203-storylines and who likes whom and for whatever reason. Me guess you have to see this 20x to really get the relationships between these aimless post-graduates.
***
Final Thoughts: I did like how they handled a potential gay character in the mid-80s WITHOUT prejudice or homophobia. Honestly, for 1985, that's pretty amazing and refreshing.
Baghead (2023)
Talk to Me Again
Here is a great example of nothing wrong with your movie, except the average/unoriginal premise. As long as you don't expect much from your next 90 minutes, here's a fun film to watch.
I did love the worldbuilding and setting. Characters and intrigue to begin the 1st half. But, then it settled into the same ole horror tropes of "be careful for what you wish for"/Talk to Me fare. It actually felt more like an anthology TV Series episode, but stretched to an hour and a half.
People will come from all-around to see the title character in the basement. But, when the pub that contains the secret changes hands, the curse continues. Hopefully this doesn't Ex Machina its way into the world...
This wasn't my favorite, but I didn't hate it or dislike it at all. It's just there. You can tell ALL involved put their absolute heart into this horror tale. The special effects were good, the acting and locales solid. I grant this an extra-star above average only because NO ONE did a bad job here...except the three writers.
Sorry, this was anything but original. And there are so many better movies, such as the aforementioned Talk to Me and Ex Machina. To be fair, this would be a nice mini-marathon with the three. Just make sure you place this first so it can only get better from here.
***
Final Thoughts: I would say one thing tho...I'm really tired of the knuckle-cracking, fingers bending movements of the supernatural. Once you see it, you know what I'm referring to. It couldn't have started with The Ring or Ringu, but, that's the gist. This usually follows with a creek in the neck and disjointed movements of the body as the "entity" gets closer to the victim. COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL, please.
Madame Web (2024)
Madame Dread
I wish I had seen into the future and saved myself the 2-hours.
Actually, pretty much everyone on the Web advised against seeing this. So, naturally, I had to. I just love so-bad-it's-good or unintentionally hilarious cinema. Hint: it's not the former and every bit the latter.
A horrible human being is sucked into a tangled web of three boring teens when she gets the super-sight of future events. Will she suddenly learn martial arts to defeat an unscripted Spidey-villain?
Poor Dakota Johnson. Much like Kristen Stewart, I see more potential than their Fifty Shades of Twilight days. But DJ isn't doing much to prove me right. Eh, she's still got time.
This entire movie seemed like a prequel to a MUCH better movie with far better action and suspense. They literally kept showing us a better movie (basically what happens to the main characters in the future) and that's one of the number one movie rules...
Never show a better movie within your crappy one.
The best I could say about this poorly edited, badly dubbed, boring origin story is...it's not the worst I've seen. 2015's Fant4stic reminded me of this, but was far worse. I most certainly wouldn't recommend it as I can't think of many more redeeming qualities about it. It's really just dull and much too long.
***
Final Thoughts: For just the 4 Sony Spider-Man Spinoffs, their quality ranks perfectly chronologically:
1. Venom (2018)
2. Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)
3. Morbius (2022)
4. Madame Web (2024)
Pamyo (2024)
You'll Dig This
There should be way more Korean baseball players since they continuously hit 'em out of the Park.
Once again, Korean cinema impresses me. While Hollywood continues to just make sequels, remake/reboots and the same ole haunted house formula movies, the creative forces of South Korea keeps nailing these great movies. It starts with the writing, but is always followed by excellent cinematography, acting, practical effects, subtly and originality - even with age-old premises.
To be fair, this is anything but an age-old premise, but it still deals with the supernatural and ghosts. Something Asians (mostly Japanese,) love to make movies about. Only, this one's plot is about 10% that and the rest a fantastic story and world-building.
The Parks in America are having some supernatural issues within the family and hire spiritual/grave experts to exhume deceased family members that may not be resting at peace. Unfortunately, when they say "I gotta bad feeling about this," and they basically do, it goes even worse than predicted.
As mentioned, Korean filmmakers believe in being subtle and not force-feeding their audience with unnecessary long exposition scenes that would've never happened in real life. I love having to figure out the world movie characters live in without having it all spelled out for me. Besides, this is how real people talk. People generally don't just stop and say "Oh, you remember, when your mom divorced your dad and that left you stressed about where you'll live..." Those people already know that and it's only for the audience's benefit.
In addition, I've noticed a wonderful trend (Korean trope?) about having two movies in one, much like making a Part One and its sequel wrapped up as one movie. The brilliant Parasite from 2019 certainly did that and so does Exhuma. I love it because I feel like I get two great stories with the same characters/settings for the price of one viewing.
Also, I just love the characters in these Korean movies. Always so unique to each other with deep personalities, flaws and even comedic moments with barely an actor outshining another.
Can't recommend this supernatural horror movie enough and can't wait to see more from the great South Korean filmmakers.
***
Final Thoughts: Here are my top 11 favorite Korean Cinema...looking forward to expanding this list:
1. Parasite (2019)
2. Seoul Station (2016)
3. Exhuma (2024)
4. Train to Busan (2016)
5. I Saw the Devil (2010)
6. The Wailing (2016)
7. The Handmaiden (2016)
8. #Alive (2020)
9. Thirst (2009)
10. Old Boy (2003)
11. Two Sisters (2003)
Sting (2024)
IT's Not Clowning Around
I've now seen two giant spider invasions set in slummy apartment buildings in as many months and this, by far, Stung more. In a good way.
While I liked "Infested," the French Rundown Apartment overthrown by a zillion spiders, this "American" Rundown Apartment overthrown by one spider was much more webfective. I didn't believe the spiders could grow to comical size, nor work in groups in Infested. Here, it's well explained and plausible why the itsy-bitsy spider grew so large.
To be fair, this movie was a kinda weird, kinda standard when-insects-attack film for the first two-thirds and then bam! The blank hits the fan. Things go from the normal comedic/suspenseful tone to pretty dead serious and I actually love the tonal shift and stakes.
Mother of two and her Not-Jason Segel new husband are struggling all-around, but that doesn't stop the daughter named, ah-hem, Charolette, from adopting a poisonous and mysterious spider. Nothing really Out-of-the-World yet, until said spider feeds and grows...fast. Not just by size, but also appetite. Those cliched, horror/slum Apartment tenants best be prepared.
I did like how everyone had their own personality, backstory and on-screen time/presence, and while most of them were stereotypes, it was at least a lot less chaotic and grounded than most of these Trapped Apartment Horror movies. Plus, once it swerves into Aliens-territory with a young Newt taking on the older Ripley role, it's a lot of fun.
It's definitely not perfect, but the spider effects were great, the acting was above par and like I said, when the film turns grave with real consequences, I couldn't help but climb right onboard. If you like your arachnophobia horror actually scary, here's a recommendation.
***
Final Thoughts: I was just going to rent this, but only in SD for $4.99 instead of $5.99 for HD, since...I'm cheap. But, then they tempted me and won me over spending an additional $5 for the purchase of this in SD ($9.99.) My total regret was not throwing yet another $5 in for the HD version because this looked like it would've been SOOO much better with the upgrade. What you'll get otherwise, if you're a cheap Scrooge too, is absolutely every bit of standard quality.
The Iron Claw (2023)
Wrestling with Bad Parents
While there really isn't anything remotely funny in this movie, I did find humor with Maura Tierney starring in two movies that involved people using...THE CLAW.
(Just in case, the other one was my favorite Jim Carrey comedy, Liar, Liar.)
When I first see the jacked Zac Efron climbing out of bed in this movie, two thoughts appeared in my head. #1 - I hope that's CGI. Even though I'm not a fan of CGI, I heard they CGI'd Vin Diesel for the latest Fast & Furious movie and that improved that otherwise terrible movie. Zac actually looked so pumped, he looked unhealthy, ironically enough. And #2, he needs to play He-Man while he's still got those muscles and that haircut. Never thought I'd ever root for Zac Efron to play He-Man.
This isn't my type of movie, so it's hard to rate this higher. Sure, the acting is unmistakably believable, it's shot well and it hit all the emotional beats. Plus, I really hated both parents and I hope that was the point.
The movie follows the "real life" family of wrestlers managed by their win-at-any-cost dad and when they can't possibly live up to the perfection standards from their Father-of-the-Rear, tragedy strikes. They called it a curse and never once thought of the cause.
I put quotes around "real life" because who knows how true any of these "inspired by a true story" movies are. If it was 100% to mostly true, I wish these parents would've been charged with murder, or some related crime. If not the mother, definitely that disgusting bad dad.
It's apparent everyone in this movie gave it their all and studied for their roles. I've never been into wrestling. It pretty much bores me to tears. Those testosterone-spewing, sweaty, yelling, pounding-chest, manly man, gorilla-like postering circus acts do nothing for me.
But, to each their own. If you like this kind of "sport," and/or lived through this family's rise-to-crash, this is probably the definite movie for you.
***
Final Thoughts: My favorite YouTube channel, Dead Meat, hosts an annual Horror Royal Rumble made via a wrestling video game where, I guess, they mimic a real-life wrestling all-stars event. Only, Dead Meat subs in horror icons. While, again, I have zero interest in the world of wrestling, I find this hour-long event pretty dang fun.
Graduation Day (1981)
Flunked
Stop & Watch an incoherent, unfinished, random, weirdly edited, unintentionally hilarious Slasher with an easy to spot killer and Vanna White as a scream queen.
Oh, and also look out for a rock band playing their song in its entirety and so loud, they'll drown out the dialogue/kills. This was definitely one of the weirder choices and unintentional humor to be found.
Sadly, I had to watch this movie two times. First, I watched it as part of the hilarious and always informative Joe Bob Briggs commentary show. I only watched it a second time (without Mr. Joe Bob) because I figured the reason I thought this was a jumbled mess was due to the constant interruptions back to the Joe Bob set. NOPE. This was just as lost without JBB.
I do love me some Slashers, especially from the Golden Age of this Subgenre: Early Eighties. And while Slashers is my favorite Horror Subgenre, there are truthfully only a handful of great ones. Obviously, the Halloween/Friday the 13th/A Nightmare on Elm Street trio are the kings, but there are hundreds, if not more, individual Slashers with a ton around holidays. While this was a "holiday" one, this was definitely not a great one.
A track teen is pushed too far and dies during a race. Months later, for some reason near Graduation Day, a killer is eliminating the remaining track kids. It's up to someone to do something to stop this madness. Even with 4+ endings, you may not believe it'll ever end. And it's only 96 minutes!
Generally, I'll give even the worst movies 2 stars of out 10 as most movies have some redeemable quality. I've now seen this for the first time twice in as many days and I can't find a single quality to praise about.
Well, fine. It's not the WORST movie or Slasher I've seen. Not sure if that's worthy of an extra star, but it'd make for a funny box cover pull-quote.
***
Final Thoughts: If you MUST watch this travesty, please do watch it alongside Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail Girl. They DO make this worth it. Plus, they're absolutely hilarious and enormously enlightening. The background on this film is far more interesting than the movie itself.
In a Violent Nature (2024)
A History of Violence
After sitting in a score-less, 90-minute slasher-in-the-woods thriller, one of the scariest things were the walks to my car and back to my place. Now accustomed to no theme music, the killer could be anywhere!
In a Violent Nature will absolutely polarize the horror community. For starters, you GOTTA love Slashers. Even more so, the Friday the 13th and Hatchet franchises. You also GOTTA have patience, show indifference to an unoriginal plot, accept its 4:3 ratio and half-suspend your disbelief.
I can see some people hating this. Heck, about 4 people walked out of the small theatre I was in with only a few people attending to begin with. Not much happens, it can drag and there's...soooo....much...walking. I even felt like I did a workout following around the killer so much.
The positives, on the other hand, were good. This takes the Killer POV to the next level. For the grand majority of the feature, you will truly feel what it's like to be Jason Voorhees, minus the teleportation. So, if you ever wanted to see what's it's like from his perspective in the woods while he stalks his victims, here you go.
And while they did try and make it realistic - again, no score, no teleporting, lotza walking/stalking, this killer is still a close relative of Friday the 13th's Jason and Hatchet's Victor Crowley. Kinda reminded me of Disney's Pocahontas where they tried to make it realistic with no talking animals, but still had a talking tree.
The synopsis is basic: Simple-minded killer in the woods plows through any human in his path until someone tries to stop him. You're not watching this for the plot, as in most Slashers, but the gimmick. And this one is merely following around the killer as he stalks and what he hears, sees or senses as his next victim.
I'm iffy on this one. I loved the concept, but I hated the ratio - even though I understood it. I'd still like to see it in widescreen. (This goes for Zach Synder's Justice League as well. Black & White is barely tolerable these days for a film technique, but 4:3 screen ratio is intolerable.) I loved the graphic kills and suspense - where's the killer now?!, but I hated the long, long walks. (We get it after a while!) And that ending. Whew.
It's too bad I'm completely split with this one. I wanted more and if they were going for realism, they should've stuck to their guns.
***
Final Thoughts: One thing this thoroughly reminded me of was: the Friday the 13th video game. During the pandemic, I bought my first Xbox SPECIFICALLY for this game. Unfortunately, I only played it a few times as I couldn't get the controls right/kills down in time and I heard recently they just up and discontinued the game. Regardless, following around this movie's killer for long periods of time made me recall the few times I played the game. (And not in the movie's favor, the game looked a heck of alot better than what I saw in this movie.)
The Green Knight (2021)
The Lord of the Green
It's not easy being Green. Sometimes, you could even lose your head.
I understand where this fable came from, but to me, watching The Green Knight, was like reading a poem. And while I'm not into poetry, nor have I read very much, I did like how this enormously slow-paced adventure made me feel.
Once upon a medieval time, a cowardly man who feels unworthy of the affection his King bestows upon him, accepts a challenge (well, more so game) from the Title Character: If this man can strike down Greenie, he'll have won his place...for exactly 365 days. Then, it's time to pay the piper.
The movie is mostly the journey one year ahead when the man "must" wander from the kingdom to meet his fate. I guess to prove his might, pay a debt, end the movie, etc. It's a beautiful film, indeed. It's just...as pointed out...Very, VERY slow. As if this "Poem" is just a few pages stretched vastly thin.
I did like how it ends, though I saw it coming from the very get-go. And even with the predictability, I liked it even more showing me why, I suppose, it *had* to happen this way. See what happens when Scar wins?
This was highly recommended to me and I'm not 100% sure I can do the same. I guess if you really like slow-burns, set in medieval times with few action scenes or events, you'd like this.
Intrigued? Get that remote handy throughout. You'll need to repeatedly rewind and launch closed captions to understand half of the mumbling dialog.
***
Final Thoughts: Here are my Top 24 Favorite A24 Releases:
1. Hereditary (2018)
2. X (2022)
3. Talk to Me (2023)
4. Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)
5. Green Room (2016)
6. Ex Machina (2015)
7. Pearl (2022)
8. Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)
9. Midsommar (2019)
10. The Disaster Artist (2017)
11. Good Time (2017)
12. The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)
13. Moonlight (2016)
14. Uncut Gems (2019)
15. Room (2015)
16. Saint Maud (2021)
17. Eighth Grade (2018)
18. The Spectacular Now (2013)
19. Under the Skin (2014)
20. The Lobster (2016)
21. The Witch (2016)
22. Lady Bird (2017)
23. The Lighthouse (2019)
24. The Monster (2016)
Good Boy (2022)
Too Good to be True
Though I'm not a part of the Furries universe, I always say: "To each their own, as long as no one harms another." Well, I got burned here.
At first, I compared this to Fifty Shades of Grey, but definitely a better movie. Heck, even the main character is a rich, violent, jealous, obsessive, paranoid gorgeous loner named Christian with a fetish. At last, I would say it was better, but not by much.
This is so sad. I LOVED how this movie began. So richly original, intriguing, the sky was the limit. Despite that, I had to Google this movie 30 or so minutes in to make sure I was actually watching a horror movie. (I was pretty sure this was when I randomly selected it from an Amazon Prime recommendation.) It is horror, but it's gonna take a while to get there.
Christian meets Sigrid online, then in person and, slowly but surely, they warm up to each other. After they spend the night together, he finally introduces her to Frank, his "dog." Or a man who pretends to be a dog. Soon Sigrid will learn who's the b in this relationship.
Unfortunately, this movie becomes less and less realistic as it goes along. I mean, psychological holds only work so far. I really didn't buy the victims didn't have AMPLE opportunities to escape. Heck, a man always moving around on his knees has to be so painful after a while, he wouldn't even be able to move around as much as its shown.
This really sucks because, again, I loved the first half, the setup/premise. I love to be wowed with something new in horror or pretty much any cinema. But to botch it up so much like this. Such a pity.
A movie that starts off promising and unique suddenly becomes very predictable. Now that's a feat.
***
Final Thoughts: A character actually says the words "What could possibly go wrong?" They should've known straight from the Pitch Meeting.
Serial Mom (1994)
She's Gr-r-reat!
Forget wire hangers...No Gum Chewing EVER!
I haven't seen this (now 30-year, 29-day-old) movie in probably 20-years and just once. I only mildly liked it back then; I believe giving it 3/5 stars. BOY, was I wrong and I wasted these two decades by not making this a Mother's Day staple. I LOVED this movie.
And funny, it didn't start off that way this go-around. For starters, I'm not really a fan of "Based on a True Story" movies, and I'm especially not a fan of movies that blatantly lie to us in the beginning by claiming the following movie is true when it's not. Annnd then the movie begins and...
They spend the rest of the movie being SOOO over-the-top, almost slapstickish, to prove those opening statements false. (Helps that I immediately paused the movie and googled it to see how untrue this movie was.)
I kept thinking, if this WAS a true story, this would have to be thee most botched investigation of all botched investigations Dateline has ever covered. Serial Mom leaves so much evidence, it's a wonder her own place is so pristine and dusted, as pointed out early in the movie.
I digress, this movie was a delight. I found myself laughing out loud quite a bit and marveled in the silliness on screen. It's as if writer/director John Waters took none of this as serious and was just having fun the entire shoot. And I was having a great time as well.
Serial Mom, as she was known in her small Maryland community after a series of easily solvable murders, has an addiction and some deep homicidal issues. Don't be disobedient, don't mess with her family and definitely don't wear white after Labor Day.
Funny, I almost never wanted to see this film again from my decades-old impression and probably wouldn't have if not for my favorite YouTube channel covering it today. So, I figured I'd give the great Kathleen Turner performance another shot before watching the Dead Meat Kill Count for this.
This is a MUST-SEE for Mother's Day and any time you're in for an absolute comedic riot. Just remember: take none of this seriously and always make your mom proud. Like really. You never know what she's capable of.
***
Final Thoughts: Here are the 20'ish most notable Mothers in Film to watch on Mother's Day:
1. Psycho (1960, "Mrs. Bates")
2. Aliens (1986, Both "The Queen" and Director's Cut "Ellen Ripley")
3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991, "Sarah Connor")
4. Friday the 13th (1980, "Mrs. Voorhees")
5. Back to the Future (1985, "Lorraine McFly")
6. Cujo (1983, "Donna")
7. The Addams Family & Values (1991, 1993, "Morticia Addams")
8. Hereditary (2018, "Annie")
9. Serial Mom (1994, "Beverly Sutphin")
10. Mother! (2017, "Mother")
11. Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022, "Evelyn Wang")
12. Room (2015, "Joy Newsome")
13. Rosemary's Baby (1968, "Rosemary")
14. Carrie (1976, "Margaret White")
15. Goodnight Mommy (2014, "Mutter" and 2022, "Mother")
16. A Quiet Place I & II (2018, 2020, "Evelyn Abbott")
17. Mother's Day (1980, "Mother")
18. The Babadook (2014, "Amelia")
19. Grace (2009, "Madeline")
20. Inside (2007, "Sarah")
Honorable Mention:
21. Mommie Dearest (1981, "Joan Crawford")
Dellamorte dellamore (1994)
Lost in Translation
The moment they wake up, before the mortician puts on their makeup, I say a little prayer for you...to actually understand this.
Cemetery Man, aka the Un-American Psycho, is a WEIRD one, indeed. Truthfully, I've never heard of this Italian "horror" (much more of a ZomCom) starring Rupert Everett until my favorite YouTube channel, Dead Meat, covered this on their podcast. Since I just LOVE listening to that, I had to see what they'll inevitably spoil. (And now I can't wait to hear their thoughts as I'm still trying to recover/comprehend.)
The title character works at a Cemetery, duh, with his faithful sidekick, Gnaghi, the inbred child of Pugsley Addams and Curly Howard. Together they stop the living dead from escaping the grounds. Meanwhile, there's a couple of love stories - one creepy, beyond the zombie aspect and another involving the biggest nipples I've ever seen. Also, expect murders, slapstick, Death and surreal occurrences.
Admittedly, I laughed out loud at some of the comedy despite most of this going way over my head. This is fever dream madness and I'm not sure it's supposed to make sense. I mean, it's not like our American Airplane! From 1980 truly made logical sense...to anyone outside of the USA. (But, at least Airplane! Has a straight-line plot and objectives, though.)
You'd really have to be into Italian "horror" (I put that in quotes as this is VERY light horror, despite having a setting of a graveyard with ghouls rising from the dead and some graphic gore,) or comedies from Italy to really be drawn to this. I wasn't upset as I watched it as I truly felt this was going to ultimately turn out like my own interpretation of American Psycho.
Watch it at your own risk. Or if you're a Rupert Everett completist.
***
Final Thoughts: I'm not against remakes, or even Americanized remakes of foreign films, but if we were to tackle this one, I'd love to see the actual horror version of this. It'd definitely be a great double feature with Phantasm.
Vantage Point (2008)
The Bourne Point of View
If you'd like to see Jack Bauer using Source Codes to be Bourne again while Olympus is Falling and being in the Nick of Time of The Next Three Days, this would be your Vantage Point to see.
I am terrible at guessing movie's twists. In fact, I relish in being surprised even when most aren't. While it's unfortunate that I 100% guessed who was involved at the VERY beginning, I'm grateful this character I guessed as part of the operation was only ONE of like 22 subplots/characters in this grand adventure.
The U. S. President (R. I. P. William Hurt) is about to make a speech in Spain in front of a large crowd and wouldn't you know it. Terrorists have a different idea. Get ready to see this from MANY different angles. Or Vantage Points, if I may.
I didn't know the 2000s were an era like the 90s, but this felt VERY 2000s. Not that that's a bad thing. You just can tell when this was made and while I did care for that time of cinema, it's starting to feel dated.
Still, this was a thrilling mystery of whodunnits galore and when time stops resetting, it's nice to finally get to the bottom of the plot. This feels like a time loop, like Edge of Tomorrow or Source Code, but it's really not. Just multiple POVs of the same events to really give us the story.
I will say some threads were weak and probably should've been removed. Sorry Forest Whitaker and that child. In fact, what that child ends up doing is laughably bad and sad - that the writers didn't seem to know how to end this so they had the child do something pretty dumb. In conjunction with this, it was pretty implausible the car chase would've worked and the other coincidences happened.
Aside from that, this incredible all-star cast gave it their all and I'm pretty amazed this all fit into 90-minutes. Absolutely no complaint there. In fact, before this began, I actually and honestly said to myself "I love 90-minute movies. Wish there were more of them." And Bam! This was one of those to the minute.
It's harmless and fun for the most part. Definitely a recommendation despite how clumsily it ends up.
***
Final Thoughts: Leave it up to me to focus mostly on the Asian guy in the Newsroom. Turns out he is gay in real life, but partnered-up. So close, but still struck out, again. Oh, well.
Ocean's Eleven (1960)
Oh, Danny Boy
41-years-later, Ocean's Eleven proves that remakes can and do work.
I've seen the 2001 reimagining of Ocean's Eleven probably one shy of a dozen times so it's hard to finally see the movie it sparked without comparing the two. To be fair, they barely had anything in common other than the heist, location and number of bandits. And they certainly played out MUCH differently.
No spoilers, but I really dug this ending. Didn't see it coming and they were probably ahead of their time in 1960 to come up with it.
Half this movie is Danny & Co. Gathering the old gang from various locations outside of Sin City and the last half was what we were impatiently waiting for: their heist of 5 landmark casinos circa 1960 Las Vegas.
Some of the positives were the snappy dialogue (okay, okay, that's also in common with the follow-up, only Director Steven Soderbergh did it 10x better at the beginning of the next millennium) and seeing Vegas for what it was like 4 decades ago. I will say, unlike those awful looking slots, the security was so loose, I'm pretty shocked they needed 11 men to pull this off.
But, that said, I would've hated to attempt to rob mob-run casinos in the 1960's. I'd rather take my chances with the security in modern days.
That really didn't factor in here. #1, this is straight-up a comedy. #2, I'm sure they didn't want to focus/draw attention to the mob-run Vegas in cinemas. Of course, they didn't do themselves any favors in making these casinos look incredibly easy to rob.
IF you're interested in old-school Vegas and namely the Rat Pack & their history, I would recommend it. Just get some fresh air beforehand. You'll need it with the screen filled up with smoke in almost every scene.
***
Final Thoughts: This did spark my interest in making a Top Eleven Favorite (mostly centered around/known for) Vegas movies of all-time:
1. Casino (1995)
2. Ocean's Eleven (2001)
3. The Hangover (2009)
4. Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
5. Vegas Vacation (1997)
6. Very Bad Things (1998)
7. Go (1999)
8. Ocean's Thirteen (2007)
9. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
10. Indecent Proposal (1993)
11. Bugsy (1991)
Satanic Hispanics (2022)
Demon Knights
While you'll sorely miss Billy Zane, at least Greg Grunberg is in the bulk of this story.
If you made it to the fifth/final story and into the credits, lucky you. Not only will you be told "No Latinos were harmed in the making of this motion picture," you at least got to the only notable story in this anthology.
Sadly, of the four stories (with one main wraparound,) only one was really good. They must've known that, too, by saving the best for last. Though that said, the wraparound was interesting enough even if it's pretty clichéd and sometimes forces the storytelling of the chapters.
"The Traveler" is the sole survivor of a massacre and while being investigated by disbelieving detectives, he recounts Latino-based short horror stories, some of which he wouldn't/couldn't have known the details of. There's the tale of the Rubik's Cube stand-in for the Lament Configuration: "Tambien Lo Vi" - definitely the 2nd best one, "El Vampiro" which tries to be too slapstickish, "Nahaules" which makes the least sense about sacrifices I guess and "The Hammer of Zanzibar"...the very reason to watch this movie.
While it's perfect as a short movie and probably shouldn't be fleshed out, "The Hammer of Zanzibar" was incredibly funny, well thought-out and raised the bar on the entire anthology of so-so entries. Mercifully, this, in addition to the very well-done practical gore effects throughout and Efren Ramirez's charm as "The Traveler," I would recommend this feature.
You just gotta get through some rough, though not terrible, short stories and you'll be rewarded.
***
Final Thoughts: The reference to Billy Zane in the intro was to the 10x better movie, Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight. He had enough charisma in that movie to fill the entire Tales from the Crypt series. While "The Traveler" reminds me of more of his costar, William Sadler's character, this wraparound just gushed with Demon Knight vibes. Also, I always have a crush on Greg Grunberg. He better watch out, though...Efren Ramirez was far better looking in this feature...
Black Snake Moan (2006)
Broken Chains of Love
You ever ask for forgiveness for wasting two hours of your life?
Or wonder where those last two hours went? I mean, I know what I saw, I wasn't blacked out. Just trying to comprehend this "movie."
I actually was ready to turn this off about 39 minutes in and then...it got interesting. I was guessing the core of the plot just kicked in. Not really. It was just another event in this original, albeit strange experience.
A nympho girl wanders from man to drug to man while her partner left for a tour of duty. Is it up to a broken "religious" man to set her straight?
I think the movie's heart is in the right place. Plus, it's well acted, and shot. It's just tonally all over the place, unfortunately. I wasn't sure if I was watching a drama, comedy or adult hallmark melodrama about family issues. I guess things may have gotten resolved, but they feel more fixed on paper than before my eyes.
Samuel Jackson is the same as ever before, but if you want to see Christina Ricci in a VERY adult role, here you go. This is definitely one of those rare Show & do Tell films. It shows a lot and tells you everything you need to know/how to feel.
Not recommended. It's just there. It's kinda harmless, though despite being set in reality, it's really, really weird.
***
Final Thoughts: Absolutely not making light of people with PSTD, but is it possible to get that when you barely make it a couple of days into boot camp and then discharged? I understand one character already has issues prior, but the "conclusion" felt like an extreme case of post-traumatic stress disorder and I didn't buy it.
Beau Is Afraid (2023)
High Anxiety
Why is Beau four letters when two will do?
That question may be just as relevant as to anything I just witnessed for the last three hours. Obviously, there's some deeper meaning I'm missing or already know and just need to be reaffirmed. Probably the former since the script is just as spelled out to me as if Wes Anderson directed this.
Beau isn't just afraid, he's on a Forrest Gump adventure, albeit a much darker one with less celebrities stand-ins. He's on a literal painful mission to his childhood home after tragedy strikes. Will he make it home? And if so, will he gain more than he was afraid he would?
While I will commend the movie for being very well shot and acted - which is to be expected from the cast and talented Writer/Director, it still felt like a fever-dream/experimental risk that apparently didn't pay off due to what happened to the studio A24 and possibly Director Ari Aster's budding future. I don't know how this even partially is the product of the mastermind behind the incredible Hereditary and Midsommar. (Haven't yet seen Dream Scenario, but I will soon.)
For the first third of this, this movie gave me pretty high anxiety. This shouldn't be shocking for how the plot and events were laid out. Luckily, this subsided (some) as we follow Beau's journey and all the weird characters he may/may not have really met.
And that's, I believe, is the point. What's real and what really happened? To be honest, I may not never know.
Just kidding. As soon as I finish with my thoughts here, I'll rely on others to tell me what I just saw on YouTube. Not trying to be ignorant here, and I'm pretty sure I got this pegged. And no, I don't need everything completely spelled out for me.
I just like a little conclusion to spending three-hours with a truly messed up Gump lost in his own private Forrest.
***
Final Thoughts: How did anyone mistake this for horror? What made this into a horror, please? Obviously, there were horrific scenes/events and things possibly made up from possibly the world's most unreliable narrator. But you could apply that to any CSI episode that's far from horror.
Ghostwatch (1992)
You'll Be Watching for a While
Wait. This came out 15 years prior, and we still got the second-rate "Paranormal Activity"?
This 1992 British Made-for-TV found-footage/mockumentary movie, predating both 1999's The Blair Witch Project & 2007's Paranormal Activity, was fairly effective and far before its time. Granted, Found Footage has been around even before this; ah-hem, the animal-hating Cannibal Holocaust was from 1980. And technically, this isn't 100% Found Footage. I'll explain.
This is more of a reality TV-show/broadcast (which probably also predates all the reality craze of the 2000s and beyond.) Once the hit and awesome 2024's Late Night with the Devil premiered, comparisons were in abundance to this little-known horror from the early 90s. I, myself, hadn't even seen this until now. And wow...as much as I loved Late Night with the Devil, that's almost a remake of this and, to be fair, Ghostwatch, did it much more realistically.
Two young girls and their single-mother experienced some paranormal activity in their English residence and a TV show is there to exploit them for ratings, regardless if the haunting is real. Well, as you probably suspect, things go bump in the night and we'll see if the world's ready to believe...
Full disclosure: I'm a true, 100%, nonbeliever in the supernatural. In fact, as much of a Horror Fan I am, the supernatural subgenre is my least favorite and the furthest from what I seek out. The more I believe something can happen in real life, the more frighten I become and since I don't believe in haunts, these movies don't scare me in the least. That said, I can appreciate a ton of great ghost/haunted house movies. 1980's The Shining is the best ever for the subgenre, in my opinion. Ghostwatch will definitely be added to the best list for this group.
It was a tough watch, at times, though. No spoilers, but one of the plot points involve one of the victims getting visible/instantaneous scratches on their face. Not sure what the rule of law was in 1992 United Kingdom, but I would think this girl needed to be taken to a hospital ASAP. YES, I know this was both a fictional movie of a broadcast to document a Halloween-Night Haunting. You still needed to get this child medical assistance, pronto.
Also, like most haunted house movies, and this is one of my biggest pet peeves, it takes an enormous amount of buildup/time to get to the goods. It's like every single one of these movies, some laughably "based on a true story," follow the same slow, bit-by-bit tension until the ghost/demon/possession finally reveals itself. 2013's The Conjuring followed these cliches to a tee. Mercifully, while 2016's The Conjuring 2 began that way, they shifted away to a more original story. (Which is why I prefer the first sequel WAY more.)
I digress, I did enjoy this mockumentary and curious to see how many fell for this War of the Worlds broadcast 32-years-ago. Must've been easier since it was pre-real-internet.
***
Final Thoughts: Here are my Favorite Mockumentaries:
1. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
2. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2005)
3. What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
4. C. S. A.: The Confederate States of America (2004)
5. This is Spinal Tap (1984)
6. District 9 (2009)
7. Ghostwatch (1992)
8. Late Night with the Devil (2024)
9. Best in Show (2000)
10. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2020)
11. The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down (2006)
12. The Gods Must be Crazy (1980)
13. Man Bites Dog (1992)
14. Brüno (2009)
Dos (2021)
Stuck on Two
At least they didn't blow their budget on the wardrobe.
What feels like a Stephen King short-story turned into an incredibly short movie, Two follows two strangers sewn together by their bellies. Kinda Human Centipede meets Saw, but with 1/100th of the budget.
These two adults wake in bed, naked, disoriented and distrustful of each other for how they got to this location and stitched together. Not to mention, it's pretty painful so they gotta work together to figure out the Escape Room they found themselves in.
Mercifully, this is only 70 minutes long - BARELY a movie length when including opening/end credits. This concept really just works as a normal Sci-Fi/Horror anthology TV Series episode. And not even one of the better ones. But, it's passable. Especially the twist I didn't see coming.
It's Spanish with English subtitles, but Netflix allows the English dub. Maybe choosing that was a mistake as the dialogue REALLY felt dumb or even A. I.-generated. I was just tired of reading my movies tonight having just finished a French-speaking one earlier.
Since it's so quick and I did like the ending, it's a recommendation. It's just sad how they "cleverly" hid the man's parts while focusing a lot on the lady. Not why I watched it, but you gotta give me something past the thin plot.
***
Final Thoughts: I'd rather watch the worst Saw than this again, though I couldn't even make it 20 minutes into Human Centipede III. So, I guess Two/Dos falls somewhere in the middle of those franchises.