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Reviews
Titanic - La leggenda continua (2000)
Thanks for letting me know...
There's not much left to say about this movie that hasn't already been said.
They say it needs to be seen to be believed and indeed it is fascinating to see something that requires the laborous work of animation and yet still radiate a special kind of unprofessionalism, as if the script was all just knocked out in a day.
It is difficult in my mind to disentangle what was in this and what was in the OTHER one but talking about the plot is redundant. Everything about it is paint by numbers; you can feel the kind of story they think they're telling and the over riding emotion is just a sense of pity that they have fallen so far from the mark.
Is it entertaining as trash? Well, for 5 minutes maybe but then it keeps going and going...
Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (2020)
I can't believe this premise filled 5 seasons so well.
A show that fills a niche in your life.
I'm done with the Tales of Arcadia franchise for the moment and this was definitely an upgrade.
Is this series a masterpiece? No, but it ticks all the boxes: a bunch of characters who would never associate in real life are forced together and learn those lessons of working together, opening up and not judging a book by its cover.
In time I came to really love these guys, 50% of them being super cute. I had mixed feelings about Brooklyn but over all she is a good presence.
The set pieces are stunning, the tone is mature with that sense of humor you need and of course the real evil is humanity's greed.
Good Burger 2 (2023)
Complements to the chef.
A movie that is hard to believe was made but is also, strangely, so much better than it has any right to be.
They didn't dump this out; they thought about it and gave us something with just that right amount of nostalgia baiting in a story that's not too original but has all the right ingredients (tee hee).
These movies are ultimately a story of friendship and how we often find we get better friends than we deserve even if we don't realise it at first.
It's a lot of fun catching up with Ed and seeing he has built a life for himself he truly loves and without really going anywhere for it.
There is a little bit of plotting weakness since it all relies on a bit of cliche to really pin down the conflict but there is an admirable lucidity and self-deprecation that the writers do not coast on.
Thompson and Mitchel are just a pair of jewels from my childhood and I cannot not love seeing them together on top form.
Over all it's a satisfying silly escapade that wisely puts its budget into its set pieces and not it's fire effects.
Several little things come up in the 3rd act, it's basic but cute.
A sequel worthy of its predecessor though I go not approve of the flatulence joke.
The After Party (2018)
Just listen to 2 hours of rap instead.
Ever wondered what a generic movie looks like? Not one so bad it's fascinatingly bad or one you can rip on for comedic effect on your struggling online channel but one that is just so in-between you don't even realise it until later?
A story of youthful aspiration and that crossroads in which dreams and practicality clash, one friend has a passion for performing and the other friend has a passion in him.
Too much of this plot revolves around this obnoxious after-party though it paints a vivid picture of the snootiness of vapid VIPs. That Blasia hooker was such a pill, screw her (without paying).
Overall this progresses and develops though it definitely over-stays its welcome. The romantic interest is annoying and it's crazy how all these rappers I assume are famous actually appear as themselves.
Oh, at one point they're told they need to find girls to get into the party so they get some from a Bat Mitzvah and the doorwoman says "where did you get them from, Sesame Street?"
I mean...I know Sesame street is a kids' show but you don't really associate kids as being ON the show so much as monsters or adults so it's a very poorly thought through line of dialogue. They're not even obviously that young.
Bundy and the Green River Killer (2019)
Whoever wrote this really trusts law enforcement.
A movie that feels like it was made for television and doesn't feel like a professional job in terms of writing.
When you avoid conventional story structure you gamble seeming avant-garde or just poorly thought through and one is just left with the feeling that this just always just have been a documentary.
Bundy is barely part of it. He has a few scenes and I like this actor though I would hardly have thought he was Bundy if I hadn't been told. At first I thought "he MUST be the Green River killer". But he wasn't.
So Bundy is a supporting role behind the cops and the killer and we get the emotional journey and the toll this took on one detectives life to find this answer that was always there.
Tainted by the vibe of masculine rage in which the evil of killing the innocent doesn't really go without saying, there is a lot of obnoxiousness here, sort of making the murderer characters the most agreeable to follow.
There is no subtext, they straight up talk things out with this daughter who is at least 30 and somehow still in high-school hero-worshipping her hero-cop dad. The dialogue just never flows compellingly.
It's about neither of its title characters but this cop and while I don't want to give spoilers...the end just comes when it wants to.
I liked the depiction of the Green river guy. This vision of low-key family man with a dark secret was familiar but probably the most well handled thing in the picture since they don't lay it on too thick.
The Casagrandes Movie (2024)
Con mucho amor.
I never watched the show avidly (there's just so much stuff) I am aware of it and I have nothing negative to say about it.
This feature length version of that is on-brand and does everything it should. Dripping with local color, both Hispanic and indigenous Mexico are brought to mind with each one of its huge cast getting some time to shine.
Dealing with the conflict of needing your independence but how family is still a special part of you, this was a well thought through, well told story of mortals and gods with super set pieces and visuals.
It's hard to know what else to say; for a general audience it may seem trite but I think the fans will be satisfied.
Ibiza (2018)
I bet it's not even the best movie called "Ibiza".
One of those utterly disposable movies whose script just waits on some shelf as insurance for a lack of other ones.
I enjoy the vision of almost thirty year olds going wild on vacation much to the chagrin of their companion.
We've seen movies like this movie: festive context is used as a way for someone about 30 so re-assess where they are going in their life; a less well made variation of Dirty Thirty, not a movie I really remember well but it was still better.
Plotted using duct tape and glue, so much of this depends on chance encounters and you to just go along with the idea that a beautiful woman would go out of her way for this one guy.
I watched with the hopes of nudity and got maybe a tiny bit but while this is overall watchable with that boss character happily getting what she deserves, I do not remember this fondly.
There's something cowardly and derivative about this: maybe whoever wrote this had true passion for Harper really finding herself but there is just an obnoxiousness and a smugness and a complacency trailed throughout the whole of this.
They have these British tourists who just there for some reason. They're pretty mean to one of them.
Fascinating for how paint by numbers the whole thing is, you're missing nothing much by missing this.
Over the Moon (2020)
Better than it had a right to be.
Instantly very charming work that you really want to root for though it proves that something can be written engagingly without being written well (quote unquote).
The lush local flavor of the modern Chinese town with all its foods, lore and ways couples with stunning and adorable character animation might even appeal to my mother.
(NB she find Frozen unwatchable because their eyes are too big).
There's an eye for visual storytelling and the move to the moon has an original aesthetic not quite science fiction not quite fantasy in the familiar way.
The weakness is that you quickly find yourself having to meet this half way on so many plot points. You have to constantly negotiate what makes sense including the points of conflict or even double check with yourself if you really understand the motivations.
They also introduce a major character too late.
The songs are good though and they drastically change style with the changing plot.
Finding Dory (2016)
Pity about the casting but the rest is fine.
I never like admitting to liking a pixar movie but this was better than even it had a right to be.
Memory is an aspect of the first movie because it's one character who cannot remember much at all paired with one who is haunted by a specific memory.
So there's this thematic link but it's really about exploring more of this character; about how we lose so much by the loss of memory, gain much and ultimately it is what you make it. Dory feels a lot more like someone who is disabled and yet oddly handicapable instead of really a gag character but they're not douchey about it.
Without giving too much away, they do a lot take us visually away from the first movie as we discover new types of landscapes with impressive set pieces, humor, the new characters fitting in naturally and just the right amount of fan service.
It actually makes the first movie make more sense.
Billy Elliot (2000)
Why would she show her butt?
One of those movies that's weirdly as good as you hope it will be.
It's easy to be sentimental about it waving the flag for self-expression, beating the stereotype and just the permission to be sensitive and cute against the backdrop of proletarian masculinity and though this can be soapy in parts, it all makes sense, treats its audience with respect and is handled with a cinematic panache fitting of its subject matter.
Serious but not austere, hopeful but not sentimental. What makes Billy a great protagonist is that it is believable that he would like dancing but he isn't campy. It all adds balance.
Very touching, it adds something that even the musical didn't.
The Loud House (2021)
So much rule34...so much...
Impeccable translation to the large screen that is heartfelt, well thought through and always on-brand.
The scope is bigger for its formidable foreign setting (less foreign to me but never mind), the presence of fantasy elements that so belong and exploring a theme that is very relevant to the show's premise.
Yes, Lincoln feels less than special in his large family which is quite understandable. They establish so early how the life of this family is constant competition for space balanced against incredible love in all directions.
There is superb intrigue, set pieces, new characters with all the old ones getting their due screen-time...
As much as I like the original show, I guess it is quite hit and miss and it will be a while before I catch up on the episodes.
But if you know where this thing is coming from creatively, this could really work for someone not familiar, or even a huge fan of the show.
It really is the best food put forward.
Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile (2019)
Extremely...something...I had something for a moment...it's fine for what it is...
I really love seeing how Zac Efron survived his Disney channel self by date and really showed his capacity for a formidable, nuanced, chameleonic actor.
Fresh off Dahmer is a different kind of Killer.
It's not really about the killings though; this takes you right back to the era, experiencing this man who might just have been a charming, falsely accused man or possibly the worst.
We know of course but you start to go along with the battle of rhetoric that takes place as you start to appreciate that for so long Ted was many things to different people and not how he is known now.
It's fascinating how the prosecution becomes someone you really want to root against for how obnoxious they are.
Kind of a downer story but it's fast paced enough to work.
It isn't really about or from the point of view of that kid.
Barbie (2023)
What could have and should have been a masterpiece is just OK
I really want to give this every chance; to see them utilize this cultural icon and use her as a tool to satirize the gender and sexuality that she represents.
It's a vibrant and rather charming story of the self-aware, vaguely post-modern kind and putting her into her doll-world was cute even it all becomes a bit derivative of the Lego Movie after a point.
Watching her on her journey has so has so many little spins on it; this is not a movie just for small children, this movie had a message and a loud way of saying it. It is not just a rich story in which the message sort of developes.
A very long essay would be required to pick apart all the nuances of its manifesto and its plot. While charming on the visual and cinematic level, as an intellectual experience, I'll just suffice to say that this was poorly thought through.
They're pro-feminist and pro-individualist and ultimately use barbie as an icon of empowerment and diversity so this movie is basically right in principle.
Now I had something cleverish worked out, what was it...
Oh yeah. I thought that while trying to be postmodern and meta-referential they strangely lacked self-awareness.
They seemed to want to make you think about stuff and yet you CANNOT over-think this movie and its plot except to ridicule it.
That teenager is really obnoxious but she's supposed to be.
The real protagonist is Ken and I that for the third act I had to meet this movie two thirds of the way for any of it to feel like reasonable conflict.
Margot Robbie was miscast. She just doesn't feel like a Barbie.
Their concept of the Barbie world was half-baked too. I got the impression that how their toy counter-parts are played with in the real world affect them in the Barbie world, in fact, it's a major plot point. Yet...it seems that our world does not affect the barbies at all unless it is strictly necessary for the plot.
I think this idea, not just a Barbie movie but one used to take a post-modern sledgehammer to gender and sexuality, was a movie that needed to be made but should have been given to a different screen-writer.
Direction is good though, just the wrong person behind the type-writer.
Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)
Deuteragonist is trash.
I find it hard to get excited about yet another one of these but once I start watching, I go along with the fun of it all though the whole thing is a bit austere.
There is humor thank goodness but it's often smug humor.
The concept is similar to the third Johnny English Movie.
I'm going to give a soft spoiler, something that happens in the first act:
OK, ready?
I was very impressed how there's this chick who I don't remember from any previous movies at all but how you get the impression she's going to be a big part of this movie but then she's killed.
I was irked to find that she survived and then became the deuteragonist.
A bland and uncharismatic character that calls people hurtful names.
The respect and admiration I have for the Italian nation and culture notwithstanding, I really do not respect those men whom Ethan should just karate chopped with extreme prejudice.
It was a great climax for a part 1 of a larger thing.
The Birds (1963)
Line your canary's cage with this.
Brokeback Mountain was a short story that was easily able to be adapted into a feature length film, despite covering decades of its characters' lives.
This movie was based on a short story and totally feels like it.
Desperate filler after desperate filler is the experience of this movie as we go through a parade of bland characters with null back-stories that only makes you more and more desperate to see someone get pecked to death.
The long awaited scenes of avian aggression and suspense are pretty well realized but are truly not worth the wait.
There is nothing to this except feathered friends inexplicably turning vicious which is kind of the point but after sitting through so much that was inconsequential it all feels insulting.
No, I do not feel more empathy for these characters after seeing something of their human lives. No, it does not feel more terrifying to see regular life suddenly turn evil.
Hitchcock isn't a particularly amazing film-maker; partly because mostly he just directs but he is a typical director who lucked out with some good scripts but THIS is not one of them.
Ted (2024)
It's so good that even with Blair it's still the best thing on TV. And Blair sucks!
One of the very best things on television right now. More than just a mindless thing to distract you; a reminder than some writers out there genuinely know what they're doing, know their way around a joke and can keep it fresh.
It's amazing how low one's standard for comedy can get when you just want something to watch but here is some real professionalism and the story telling isn't half bad either.
If you like that Family Guy-esque tit-for-tat humor in which people say absurd things but they follow through on it as if they had workshopped it all day, then this will please you.
Real laugh out loud moments are there and it's not just shock humor; they are real jokes.
But you also have the characters: this vision of an archetypal family, not idealized but still deeply empathetic with its gentle mom character who can't say a word against anyone without feeling bad and her toxic masculine husband that really got under my skin as a man who might have horrific things to say about gays and women but if a fragile and damaged product of his upbringing.
My main negative is Blair. She is so the worst character and the worst thing in this show. She needs to be there but I hope the writers make her better for season 2. Progressive politics are not a substitute for a personality now matter how admirable the sentiments are. She is smug and sanctimonious, apparently desperate to talk down to people at the expense of furthering the causes she claims to believe in.
The politics talk can be hard to take but the story telling is solid: Macfarlane seems to really want to prove to people than he can do more than the semi-sketch comedy of FG and really spin a narrative. Chekhov gun applies here in a spontaneous way, sometimes planting ideas in one episode that comes to fruition in another.
And the episodes respect their audience. They don't end in these cliche "ha-ha you failed loser" kind of way. You'll see what I mean.
As always with these kinds of shows, the weakest jokes are ironic allusions to the future but never mind.
Game of Thrones (2011)
Sorry, but there are no where near as many bare chests as people claim.
What makes this a fun show is that not only is it an unrelenting vision of the brutality of war, the world and vice but also had a sense of humor about it.
Not a comedy, nut the sardonic musings and exchanges made swell sorbet to this branching web of a story.
Was it always amazing? I guess not. It's bingeable and by this mean good enough to watch not just an episode all the way through in one setting and start others but at the same time, I never felt like rationing it to once to a week along with the best shows.
To this day I don't claim to really understand why they're even fighting.
The first episode of this I ever watched was the season 3 penultimate (yeah...).
There's this one character, I forget his name but the writers seem committed to using him as a model for the superlative of suffering, torture and psychological breaking. It's sort of annoying really when he outright says something is a trick and it sort of is but you can't say there isn't something karmic about it.
The threat of death is meaningful here. But I hope I am spoilering nothing when I say that every death or major change is earned and justified. A character may die but it doesn't leave their own story incomplete; it forms part of another story.
However, that's not to say that this show didn't keep finding ways to shock you. They don't have a big twist EVERY episode which helps it work in its own rhythm of quite build up to vicious battles or other, more personable moments of sadism and cruelty.
Daenarys is interesting but I felt that over time she went from sympathetic to kind of smug but maybe that's the point. That girl who called her sword "needle" also palled on me.
Jon Snow is such a swell, empathetic and empathic character on a super arc and Tyrion is my spirit animal.
Sometimes I did feel annoyed but not usually.
I can pleasure myself to parts of this but there really isn't the excess of nudity people want you to think it is.
The final episode is brilliant and is exactly the ending the show needed. It made perfect sense given what had happened in the show so far.
(An obnoxious moment of anti-democratic rhetoric notwithstanding.)
Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget (2023)
Holiday's over
Fans of the original and new-comers should be more than satisfied by this continuation with more than a few twists on the older story and the characters that still feel like old friends.
The progeny of the main characters from the first one is a major character but Ginger remains the protagonist and with rich nuances on the character we thought we knew making this a delight that was not just processed out.
All the expected delights are there with the same visual wit, rapid fire pop culture references and astonishing set pieces.
There is much more of the James Bond/ Science fiction approach to contrast with the Concentration Camp/ Great Escape vibe of the first film and I like how they use futuristic technology but with an analogue interphase as if it were made in the '80s though this is very au-courant. I guess I'd call it "dial-punk".
And no, it is not vegan propaganda.
I saw this on Boxing day while my family all watched the football and I so wish I had watched it with people but I do not wish I hadn't watched it.
The Disappearance of Madeleine McCann (2019)
I've read so many jokes about this...so many...
There is SO much of this!
This meandering story that happens to be true at times seems like a veritable saga of stories within stories but that's not the mistake of the makers.
Twisting and turning, this is all very thoroughly researched and I walked away with a sense that now I had been schooled about the case.
This is less a story about getting a kid back than it is about bureaucratical confusion, the need to scapegoat, how everyone's flaws come out during stressful times. There are at least a dozen people here who could write an interesting book about the thing from their point of view alone.
That indeed is somewhat the point as you will see.
The people here are often odious and judgemental and if nothing else this is a lesson in reserving judgement and prioritizing a search, at least during the first year.
The McCanns were never charismatic people but they are not hateable here.
X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)
It holds its own.
I was brought to this by a friend when I had only seen the 3rd movie before so if this was a little incoherent, perhaps that is my own fault.
This cacophonous, mile a minute comicbook spiel is fun when you just let it wash over you (aren't they all?) If there's any more to it than that I missed it but there is definitely a sense of the formidable and touching int here somewhere.
To be honest, the premise and the development make it feel like a very long episode of a TV show rather than a feature film. So there is that sort of casual but epic quality to it, more like certain episodes of Game of Thrones.
School of Rock (2003)
# unless you live hardcore...
Like a warm cottage pie on a winter's evening, this is one of those comforting, naturally likeable movies that truly does gain from Jack Black being in it.
Yes, I know, it's not exactly adding much to cinema and I do remember a teacher's aid saying how she must have seen the opening a dozen times but never watched the movie.
This is wish fulfilment, ultimately; the imperfect wannabe musician/slacker lands a gig via fraud just to pay the rent but he sees the musical talent and actually turns prissy private school kids into a rock band.
That much was in the trailer (sorry to explain the plot in the review, I know that's annoying) but this is the charm and if you cannot get behind this then watch anyway. They find a way to make you want to believe this could work as Dewey winces at the kids tastes in music and he finds a role for everyone.
It's touching in the way it explores how people can be so much more than they seem on the surface and how it takes a special person to help you realise that you always had the power to be amazing.
Like I said, this adds nothing much to art (though it IS art) but it's feel-good fun of a kind that I think will stand the test of time.
Commando (1985)
Girl George.
There isn't much to say of this star vehicle.
General badassdom and one-liners of the type we would see parodied a thousand times over.
Not much of a plot and I do not like the hero-worship of the father. One wants someone sexier to come and rescue you, not a parent but over all it works.
At times, iconic, Arnold is, as always somewhat wooden but in its own way, that carries a distinct charm. I think you will be remember liking this even if you don't remember a lot of details.
The protagonist here is a vision of the classically masculine guy. The type that would murder of boy for bringing his kid to a climax and call it "protecting her".
Apocalypto (2006)
Does anyone remember this?
While I like this gimmick of seeing the lives of this tribe and their local color set against the impressive Columbian landscape, what carries this movie are its combat and set pieces.
It's an intriguing enough story of fleeing captives and returning to family but I cannot help but think that the plotting was written around the concept of showing off this indigenous people.
I can't shake the idea that this is Mel Gibson's PR campaign to show how conscientious he is in his hero-worship of this pre-columbian people with all their ingenuity and humanness as they also have families and stuff. It is also more than a little heavy handed about the theme of proving our value but there is some sweet karma here and there.
Onegai Teacher (2002)
An unpretentious experience.
While "He is my Master" was the first Japanese Cartoons I actually watched, I think of this as when I finally let myself get into Manga show. As a kid I found it really freaky and off-putting but now I can sort of take it.
I sort of knew about "Please Teacher!" by coming across (no pun intended) certain stills so I thought it was just a Student/Teacher romance thing...maybe with a space ship...
But there is totally a space ship. I stumbled across this again on youtube and I guess that was it.
This is what I like to call a cotton candy and fried chicken kind of show: it is addictive entertainment that stimulates no intellectual part of you but keeps you coming back for the innate appeal of its design, its story, its characters as we go on a story filled with pathos, humor and sex appeal.
This narrative requires you to meet it two-thirds of the way through and you are happy to. Just accept that this disease is like some kind of shameful thing.
I watched the English dub and I am glad I did.
Looking back, I feel nostalgia for this and the time during which I watched it: it was my Friday night go-to and the title sequence and song was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
It's a serial of 12 episodes and THEN a sort of epilogue episode. Lots of Japanese cartoons do this apparently. They call it an OVA.
It's not one the examples I use for the elusive *good* Manga cartoon show but I will always feel affection for it.
Robson Green's Weekend Escapes (2023)
It is hard to find something more aggressively cisgressive.
There is a slot in the programming schedule, after House of Games and before the One Show that for three months of the year is It Takes Two.
But for the other nine you get something like this: a bacchanalia of the natural, the old fashioned, the quote unquote "wholesome".
There is indeed something admirable at showing off the beauty of England's North-East and plugging the fun things you can do there, supporting certain businesses in the process.
The celebrity guests are usually charming and have something interesting to say but what taints this show and others of its ilk is this aggressive positivity.
Everyone is just SO HAPPY to be there. Every activity is such a win. It is this pornographic vision of those parents that can't stand that anyone would play Halo indoors if it was above freezing outside and you could count twigs instead.
I admit that I may have a chip on my shoulder about this kind of thing. I admit that it is good to get out of the house and a lot of the activities look fun (especially goat yoga) though a lot of it is stupid and pretentious stuff tailored for folks with more money than acumen (and not that much money).
But Robson also has something of a chip on his shoulder about "unplugging" and "reconnecting to nature" and this waxing philosophical about the healing powers of nature. He can't shut up about it. Even when he's doing a cool thing he keeps bringing up how there are "no screens". Robinson: just do the thing. Show don't tell.
I watched this when I visited my parents and I suppose it is for that audience of people who are disenfranchized with modernity and don't really do streaming platforms. Or maybe I'm the bigot for saying that, I don't know.
Oh, and the title sequence...it is so annoying to go through that exhausting montage every time with that brief piano phrase repeated over and over and over.