THE SEA & THE STARS

by
HARRISON DAVID RIVERS

Agent
Michael Finkle
WME
212-903-1144
[email protected]

Info
Harrison David Rivers
347-432-3534
[email protected]
 10/15/19

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water

And everyone you love is made of stardust
And I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply
And the night sky is no home
And you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent
But nothing is infinite
Not even loss
You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again.”
—Finn Butler

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CHARACTERS
(3W, 4M)

PAMELA 39-years-old, female, an African Grey Parrot, our

narrator of sorts.
Wise, cheeky, a bit of a know-it-all.
Because—why not?

FINN WYATT 28-years-old, male, afraid of water.

Sweet, but distracted and unsure. Quite sad.

SIMON AINSLIE 32-years old, male, a lifeguard.

Responsible, mature by default. Quite sad.

FRANNY WYATT 31-years-old, female, FINN WYATT’S slightly

older sister, hugely pregnant.
A type-A caretaker. Quite sad.

MISTER HAROLD UMSTEAD 60-70s, male, a beachcomber.

Would have been a good father if he’d had children,
altruistic.

MISSUS AMELIA LLEWELLYN 50-60s or younger, female, a pet store owner.

Sensual and artistic, wears bright colors.

OSARO/WISE/ROBINSON mid 30s, male, FINN, SIMON and FRANNY’S

boyfriends/ex-boyfriends, respectively.
Good, bad and ugly.

Also, AN ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE and A BARTENDER

SETTING
Jupiter, a beach town.

TIME
Now.

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Prologue

(PAMELA appears.
She is an African Grey parrot.
She wears a pair of swimming goggles, which she pushes
back from her face before she begins to speak.)

PAMELA
This is a story.
This is a story about love.
And heartbreak.
And memory.
It’s a story about the sea and the stars.
And karaoke.
Because – why not?
This is a story about this man
Finn
(FINN appears.)
And this other man
Simon.
(SIMON appears.)
It’s a story about Finn’s sister
Franny
(FRANNY appears.)
Who is pregnant
Simon’s friend
Harold
(MISTER UMSTEAD appears.)
Who is a beachcomber
And his admirer
Amelia
(MISSUS LLEWELYN appears.)
Who owns a pet store.
This story is also about Simon’s father
Who we never see.
And Finn and Franny’s mother
Who has passed.
Mostly.
And there are others—
(OSARO/WISE/ROBINSON appears.)
But we’ll get to them when we get to them.

FINN, from off

Pamela?

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 10/15/19

PAMELA
If you get confused about who is who—their names are listed in the program.
(beat)
You’re welcome!

FINN, from off

Pamela!

PAMELA
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, this is a story about me.
Because – why not?
My name is Pamela.

(FINN enters.)

FINN
Pamela, did you not hear me calling you?
(PAMELA looks at FINN then squawks.)
Ugh, nevermind.
Have you seen my googles?
(FINN notices them on PAMELA’S head.)
There they are!
(FINN removes them.)
Silly parrot. Swim goggles aren’t for birds.

(FINN exits.
PAMELA looks at the audience.)

PAMELA
I am not a parrot.

(PAMELA moves to her perch as the scene shifts to:)

1.

(The beach.
SIMON sits atop a lifeguard station.
MISTER HAROLD UMSTEAD enters with his metal
detector.)

SIMON
Hey, Mister Umstead!

MISTER UMSTEAD
Simon, my boy, hello! Saved any lives this afternoon?

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 10/15/19

SIMON
No, but it’s still early. Have you found any treasure?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Nothing yet, but it’s like Yogi Berra always useta say, “It ain’t over til it’s over.”

SIMON
That’s a pretty optimistic perspective, Mister U.

MISTER UMSTEAD
I’m sixty-three years old, Simon.
I’ve survived two marriages
The Vietnam War
Type 2 diabetes
And a nasty bout with colon cancer.
You bet I’m an optimist!
(beat)
How’s your father?
I haven’t seen him on the beach lately.

SIMON
He’s ok.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Just ok?

SIMON
Penelope died.

MISTER UMSTEAD
What?

SIMON
Yeah, last week. He’s pretty broken up.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Well, of course he is. He loved that ugly thing.
What happened?

SIMON
She got a hold of his medication.
Swallowed every pill.
She was dead in minutes.

MISTER UMSTEAD
That’s awful.

6
 10/15/19

SIMON
Yeah.

MISTER UMSTEAD
You know, I had a friend
Sadly, she passed away last year
(Seems to be the thing to do these days.)
Anyway, she had a cat.
Job, I think she called him.
And Job suffered.
Not unlike Job in the Bible.
Lost everything that cat.
An eye.
A leg.
An ear.
Couldn’t seem to hold himself together.
And my friend just kept sewing him back up over and over again.
She was devastated when he died. Had him stuffed.

(MISTER UMSTEAD shivers at the thought.)

MISTER UMSTEAD (cont’d)

Taxidermy.
Now that’s an occupation I will never understand.

SIMON
Penelope’s being cremated.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Really?
They do that with animals now—?

SIMON
With pets, yeah, I guess.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Well I’ll be damned. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
(he thinks.)
I’m a little creeped-out, I think.
(beat)
Simon, my boy, you are one hell of a saint of a son.

SIMON
I don’t know about that / Mister Umstead—

7
 10/15/19

MISTER UMSTEAD
Yeah, well I do.
You heard your father was having a rough time so you got on a plane and came back home.
You make sure your dad eats and takes his pills.
And now you’re helping him cremate his dog—

SIMON
Yeah, well he doesn’t have anyone else really. I mean, he does, but they’re all…
Anyway, I really didn’t have much of a choice.

MISTER UMSTEAD
We always have a choice.

SIMON
I don’t know about that.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Yeah well, I do. One of these days—you’ll see.

(They look out.)

SIMON
It’s been a long summer, Mister U.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Enjoy them while you can. Summers. They just get shorter. Ah the sea.
(He inhales.)
Smells like shit today.

(SIMON inhales.)

SIMON
Really? I don’t smell / anything—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Yep. One hundred percent unfiltered shit.
Well, treasures await! Take it easy, Simon.
Give my best to your father.

SIMON
Will do.

(MISTER UMSTEAD exits.

SIMON’S phone begins to ring.
He answers.)

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SIMON (cont’d)
Hey, pops.
I was just talking about you.
Mister Umstead says hi.
Are you feeling any better?
Oh.
Well, that’s too bad.
Yeah, I’m ok.
Just…
Keeping the peace.
Hey, listen
If you don’t need me at home right away
I think I’m gonna hang out for a bit after work.
Walk along the beach or something.
Look at the stars?
What do you say to—?
Sorry, what was that?
A mango?
Yeah, sure.
I’ll definitely pick one up.
Ok.
I’ll see you later.
Bye.

(SIMON ends the conversation.

He looks out at the sea.
He sees something in the water.
He blows his lifeguard whistle.)

SIMON (cont’d)
Hey!
Too far!
You’re too far out!
Don’t you see the flags!
Ah Christ!

(SIMON exits as the scene shifts to:)

2.

(The beach house.

A phone rings and rings and rings.
PAMELA watches the device, but does not answer it.)

FINN, from off

Coming! I’m coming!

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 10/15/19

(Eventually, FINN enters.

PAMELA hands him the phone.)

PAMELA
It’s for you.

FINN
Thanks.
(FINN answers the phone.)
Hello?

(FRANNY appears.)

FRANNY
Why did it take you so long to pick up the phone?

FINN
What—?

FRANNY
It rang nine times, Finn. Nine times!

FINN
Franny—?
Franny.

FRANNY
Which according to Emily Post is six times too many—

FINN
What—?

FRANNY
Etiquette, Finn. I’m talking about etiquette. Phones should be answered by the third ring.

FINN
Ok—?

FRANNY
Nah, this isn’t opinion, Finn. This is fact. Three rings… polite. Nine rings… ridiculous.

FINN
I’ll keep that in mind—

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 10/15/19

FRANNY
Good.
(beat)
So what were you doing?

FINN
Excuse me—?

FRANNY
What were you doing that was so important you couldn’t pick up the phone by the third ring?
(FINN doesn’t reply fast enough.)
Finn—!

FINN
Nothing—!

FRANNY
Nothing—?

FINN
I wasn’t doing—!
(He takes a breath.)
Actually… I don’t want to talk about it.

FRANNY
You don’t want to talk about it—?

FINN
No, I don’t / want to talk about it—

FRANNY
Well, why not—?

FINN
Why not—?

FRANNY
Why don’t you want to talk about what you were doing / before I called—?

FINN
Because I don’t—!

FRANNY
Because isn’t an answer, Finn.

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 10/15/19

FINN
Um… yes, it is—

FRANNY
No, actually. It isn’t. Because is a hedge. It’s what people say when they’re hiding something.
Are you hiding something, Finn?
(beat)
Finn—!

FINN
Ok can we please just, I don’t know, start this whole conversation over? Like from the very
beginning?

(FINN makes a ringing sound.)

FRANNY
Seriously, Finn?

FINN
Yes, seriously, Franny.

FRANNY
This is so dumb.
We’re already on the phone.

FINN
Pick up.

FRANNY
What are we like five?

FINN
Just pick up.

(He continues to make the ringing sound.)

FRANNY
Ugh.
Fine.
(FRANNY answers the pretend phone.)
What?

FINN
Franny, hi! Long time, no call—

12
 10/15/19

FRANNY
I hate you.

FINN
Play the game.
How are you?

FRANNY
Oh, you know. Same old shit. Still in Philly. Still pregnant—

FINN
Oh right. How’s that going? Are you huger—?

FRANNY
I’m a fucking whale. It looks like I have a watermelon stuffed up my shirt.
Two! Two watermelons!

FINN, laughing
That sounds… You should send pictures.

FRANNY
You should come visit and see for yourself.

(beat)

FINN
Are you ready? For the baby, I mean?

FRANNY
Yes. No. I don’t know. Ask me tomorrow.

FINN
You’re gonna be a great mom.

(FRANNY doesn’t quite know what to do with this

statement. A moment and then—she hedges.)

FRANNY
I still have to finish painting the nursery.
Yellow, a nice neutral color.
And then there’s the baby-proofing.
And lining up childcare.
And installing the car seat.
So far everything’s been smooth.
She has all her parts.
All her fingers.

13
 10/15/19

FRANNY (cont’d)
All her toes.
Confidentially, I’m the best breather in my Lamaze class.

FINN
Of course—

FRANNY
Of course.
Oh, and Robinson left / but besides that everything’s pretty ok—

FINN
Wait, what?
What do you mean he left?
Left like?
Like he’s gone?
(beat)
Franny?
(beat)
Francine—?

FRANNY
I came home from a checkup two weeks ago
A fucking well visit
How ironic is that, right?
A well visit
And he was gone.
His things.
Everything just…
He didn’t even leave a note—

FINN
I wasn’t aware he could spell.
(instant regret)
Sorry. That was… Sorry.

FRANNY
Actually
That’s part of why I’m calling
Listen
I know it’s not fair of me to ask.
I understand that it’s like a violation of our unspoken sibling code or whatever
“Thou shalt not need from thy brother”
But I’m pregnant
And alone
And I’m scared

14
 10/15/19

FRANNY (cont’d)
And—
(on the edge of a break, unexpectedly.)
And I thought that maybe if you came back
The two of us could brave this shit storm together
You know
Help each other find some brave /
Or something—?

FINN
Franny—

FRANNY
Cause I really don’t think I can do this by myself.
(A long moment and then—FRANNY goes on the offensive.)
Have you heard from Osaro?

FINN
Have I—? / Really, Franny—?

FRANNY
Cause he’s called here a number of times looking for you.
I thought you said you talked to him—

FINN
I did.
(FINN feels her judgment long-distance.)
What? I did—!

FRANNY
Yeah, ok!
(beat)
What happened with that anyway?
He was so nice and handsome / and he was so sweet to you—

FINN
Franny, I really really really really really don’t want to talk about it.

(A long moment and then—)

FRANNY
She would have been fifty-two today. Mom would have been—

FINN
Yeah, I know.

15
 10/15/19

(beat)

FRANNY
Well, I have to go.
I have a Yoga for Mommies class at five thirty.
If you’re late you have to downward dog at the back
And you wouldn’t believe the amount of gas
Fifteen pregnant women produce.
(slight beat)
Don’t do anything crazy, ok—?

FINN
Crazy—?

FRANNY
You know what I mean. Keep it simple. Your… tribute or whatever.
(beat)
Call me later and we can sing “Happy Birthday” together, ok?
I’ll be free by nine?

FINN
Yeah, sure.

(beat)

FRANNY
I love you more than acid reflux.

FINN
I love you more than dried bird shit.

FRANNY
Ew.
(FRANNY smiles and then—)
Good one.
Nine o’clock, Finn.

FINN
Nine o’clock.

(They hang up their respective phones.

FRANNY stands with some difficulty and exits.
PAMELA moves to her perch.
She rummages through the newspaper lining her cage
She finds a flyer:
“KARAOKE EVERY NIGHT – FUN FUN FUN!”

16
 10/15/19

It is covered in shit.
She brushes it off and hands it to FINN.
She squawks.
FINN considers the flyer in his hand as the scene shifts to:)

3.

(The beach.
SIMON sits atop the lifeguard tower.
He produces a phone and calls his ex-boyfriend, WISE.
An answering machine greeting.)

WISE’S VOICE
This is Wise’s mailbox.
I’m out doing my thing.
Do yours at the beep.
Peace.

(A beep.)

SIMON
Hey.
It’s me.
So I know we said no calls
Or well
You said no calls
You said no calls
But I figure
You said a lot of things over the course of our relationship that never manifested themselves as
truth so
Fuck it!
Uh
I miss you.
I know I’m not supposed to say that.
That it’s insane of me to still feel…
To still want…
But I’m here on the beach
And the sun has slipped
And the water is…
And I wish you were here.
I fucking wish you were here.
You fucking asshole.

MISSUS LLEWELYN, from off

Oh don’t be such an old fossil
A stick-in-the-mud

17
 10/15/19

MISTER UMSTEAD, from off

Missus Llewelyn

MISSUS LLEWELYN, from off

An old fuddy-duddy

MISTER UMSTEAD, from off

Missus Llewelyn

(MISTER UMSTEAD and MISSUS LLEWELYN enter.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
The beach is quiet. The air is warm. It’s a perfect night for romance.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Missus Llewelyn!

MISSUS LLEWELYN
My name is Amelia!

MISTER UMSTEAD
Missus Llewelyn, I should be getting home.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
To what? To whom?
I happen to know that you live alone. No dog. No cat.
You don’t even have so much as a goldfish.

MISTER UMSTEAD
I have obligations.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Like what? Polishing your beloved metal detecting stick?

MISTER UMSTEAD
This, Missus Llewelyn, is no mere stick.
This is a top-of-the-line state-of-the-art portable electronic instrument.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
It’s a toy. And my name is Amelia. Call me Amelia—

(She touches MISTER UMSTEAD provocatively.)

MISTER UMSTEAD
Missus Llewelyn—

18
 10/15/19

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Amelia—!

(She moves in for a kiss.)

SIMON
Whoa! Hey! / Hi! Sorry—!

MISTER UMSTEAD
Who’s there—?

(SIMON climbs down from the lifeguard tower.)

SIMON
Sorry! I’m sorry! I was just— I swear I didn’t see anything—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Well, stick around and maybe you will—

MISTER UMSTEAD
There’s no need for alarm. We were just / conversating—

SIMON
It’s ok, Mister Umstead. Believe me. I don’t need to know / what you were—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Well, you don’t have to rush off.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
No, of course not. The beach is certainly big enough for the three of us.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Come say hello.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I’m Amelia. I own a pet store.

SIMON
Llewelyn’s Pets.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
That's right.

SIMON
My pops loves that shop. Well, loved.

19
 10/15/19

MISTER UMSTEAD
Simon’s just had a death in the family.

SIMON
My father’s French bulldog passed.
Mean /
Ugly thing—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Not Penelope! Oh no – she was the sweetest thing!
(Both SIMON and MISTER UMSTEAD give her a look.)
What? We had a connection.
(to SIMON) I had no idea.

SIMON
Yeah, well he’s keeping it pretty quiet.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I'm so sorry for your loss.

SIMON
Thanks.
(A long moment and then—)
Well, I should probably be / going—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
So then you’re the son who moved here from somewhere else.

SIMON
New York City.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
That's right. I remember your father mentioning you.
God, New York! I've always wanted to go there. It's on my list.

MISTER UMSTEAD
You know the thing about New York City
And it's wonderful
Believe me
I’ve been fortunate enough to visit on several occasions
Saw the original production of Cats as a matter of fact
Loved it!
There’s so much going on there
Tall buildings
People of all shapes and sizes
Museums

20
 10/15/19

MISTER UMSTEAD (cont’d)

A lot of things.
But what they don’t have
Is this.

(He gestures expansively.

They look up at the sky.
They listen to the water.)

MISTER UMSTEAD (cont’d)

It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
The waves.
The stars…

(A moment and then—)

SIMON
I went stargazing once.
In New York.
With my ex.
Wise.
It was a Groupon.
His idea.
I remember he said planetariums are sexy.
And he was right.
They had this huge telescope that magnified objects like some outrageous percent
And we saw a shooting star
And made wishes.
We saw Venus
And a meteor shower
And he held my hand
And kissed my cheek
And whispered sweet things into my ear
And I laughed.
We laughed
And—

(SIMON nearly breaks.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Oh Simon—

21
 10/15/19

SIMON
I’m fine.
Really, I’m—
I just need to—
I just need—
Sorry.

(He exits. MISTER UMSTEAD and MISSUS LLEWELYN

watch him go.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Well.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Well, indeed.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
You couldn’t pay me to be that age again.
Ok yes, I miss the flexibility.
I miss the thrill of knowing that whatever I chose to do my body would do it with me without
question or protest.
That
I miss.
But everything else.
The drama of everyday life.
Of breathing, for God’s sake.
That
I do not—

MISTER UMSTEAD
I remember being twenty-something. Thirty even. And feeling invincible.
I woke up every day feeling like… possibility—!

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I do not for a second miss the emotional excesses of youth—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Every day was an adventure. A roller coaster—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I prefer the evenness of now. The steadiness of now—

MISTER UMSTEAD
I had so many tomorrows in front of me—

22
 10/15/19

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I remember I used to think that the heart was made of impenetrable stuff.
Of some kind of super material.
Ball it up
Stretch it out
And it will always return to its original shape.
That would have been smart.
That would have been the smart way to go.
But no.
Our hearts are clay
Not steel.
And it only takes a tiny bump
An awkward elbow
Or a flailing hand
To knock it over
And shatter it into a million pieces.
It only takes a little breeze to scatter those pieces to the four corners of the earth.
And once they’re scattered
Once they’ve been taken by the wind
You ain’t never gonna get them all back.
(beat)
You should go after him.

MISTER UMSTEAD
What?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
He respects you. He’ll listen to what you have to say.
Go.

MISTER UMSTEAD
But Missus Llewelyn—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
It’s Amelia.
And I mean it.
Go.
(beat)
Well? Why are you still here?

MISTER UMSTEAD
You know, you have the most beautiful eyes.

(MISSUS LLEWELYN kisses MISTER UMSTEAD on the

cheek.)

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 10/15/19

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Good night, Mister Umstead.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Good night, Missus Llewelyn.

(MISTER UMSTEAD exits.

MISSUS LLEWELYN looks up.
She clasps her hands.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Oh my God! Would you look at those stars!

(The scene shifts to:)

4.

(The beach house.

PAMELA sits on the couch, filing her nails.
The phone rings.
It rings and rings and rings.
PAMELA does not move to answer it.
And then—
An answering machine greeting.)

FINN’S VOICE
This is Finn Wyatt’s answering machine.
Yes, I still have an answering machine.
Stop laughing and leave a message.

(A beep.
OSARO, FINN’S boyfriend, leaves a message.)

OSARO’S VOICE
Well at least I know that this is definitely your number.
(slight beat)
In case you’ve forgotten what I sound like, this is Osaro
Your boyfriend.
Or at least I think I’m still your boyfriend.
(beat)
Listen, Finn
We need to talk.
We need to talk about the fact that you disconnected your cell phone.
The fact that you moved away
Left Philly
And didn’t even leave a note

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OSARO’S VOICE (cont’d)

We need to talk about how the only reason I have your new number
Is because I cornered your sister in the frozen foods section at the supermarket
And begged her to tell it to me.
(slight beat)
We need to talk about all that.
(beat)
Cause see, I thought we were on the same page.
I thought we both felt…
Cause for me
This past year
Finding you
Being with you
I’ve never been happier.
And that’s why I…
But if I got it wrong.
Right, Finn?
If I got it wrong then you’re gonna have to do more than hint.
If you want or need this to end or whatever you don’t get to be a coward about it.
You’re gonna have to say it to my face.
(beat)
Fuck, Finn.
I love you.
You know I love you
That I’m in love with you
Foolish or not
Masochistic or not
I don’t care.
And I’m not gonna stop until you tell me to stop.
Cause I deserve that.
At the very least, I deserve that.
(beat)
So call me back, ok?
Just… call me the fuck back.

(Another beep.)

PAMELA
In my opinion, not all voicemails need to be heard.

(PAMELA pushes a button on the answering machine.)

ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE

Message erased. You have… no …new messages.

(PAMELA squawks.)

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 10/15/19

5.

(A split scene:
Another part of the beach and karaoke night at a bar.
SIMON looks out at the water.
MISTER UMSTEAD enters.)

MISTER UMSTEAD
Simon?

SIMON
Mister U, you didn’t have to follow me—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Follow you?
Boy, what are you talking about!
I happen to love this part of the beach.
I comb it on the regular.
In fact, I found a Ronson Lighter out here the other day.
An original Ronson Lighter.
That shit’s rare.
And valuable.
I’m always over here.
(beat)
That said, I can leave if you’d like—

SIMON
No. It’s ok.

(beat)

MISTER UMSTEAD
Is everything all right, son?

SIMON
No. I don’t think so.

(The scene shifts to karaoke night at a dive bar.)

BARTENDER, from off

All right! Next up to the microphone: Finn!
(A smattering of applause.)
Finn, are you here?

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 10/15/19

FINN
Yeah. Yeah, I’m—
I’m here.

(“Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia begins to play.

FINN begins pleasantly enough – innocuously enough, but
by the second verse it is clear that something isn’t quite
right.)

I THOUGHT I SAW A MAN BROUGHT TO LIFE

HE WAS WARM, HE CAME AROUND AND HE WAS DIGNIFIED
HE SHOWED ME WHAT IT WAS TO CRY

WELL, YOU COULDN'T BE THAT MAN I ADORED

YOU DON'T SEEM TO KNOW
SEEM TO CARE WHAT YOUR HEART IS FOR
BUT I DON'T KNOW HIM ANYMORE

THERE'S NOTHING WHERE HE USED TO LIE

THE CONVERSATION HAS RUN DRY
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON
NOTHING'S FINE

I'M TORN
I'M ALL OUT OF FAITH
THIS IS HOW I FEEL
I'M COLD AND I AM SHAMED
LYING NAKED ON THE FLOOR
ILLUSION NEVER CHANGED
INTO SOMETHING REAL
I'M WIDE AWAKE AND I CAN SEE
THE PERFECT SKY IS TORN
YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE, I'M ALREADY TORN, TORN

MISTER UMSTEAD
Want to tell me what’s going on?

SIMON
I… it’s silly.

MISTER UMSTEAD
You think I can’t do silly?

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SIMON
I think…
Mister Umstead
I think I don’t want you to think that I’m ridiculous.
I don’t want you to think that I’m as ridiculous as I feel.
And if I tell you what’s bothering me
I’m afraid that you will.

MISTER UMSTEAD
You couldn’t possibly know this, Simon
Cause you’ve been away for some time
But in some circles
Some pretty important ones, I might add
I’m considered quite the expert on ridiculousness.
(a look from SIMON.)
You think I’m joking?
I’m a card-carrying—
You want to see my card?
(MISTER UMSTEAD produces a wallet.)
Cause I’ll show my card oh ye of little faith.
(he searches the wallet.)
Just give me one minute—

SIMON
Mister Umstead—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Hold on. It’s here someplace—

SIMON
Mister Umstead—

(MISTER UMSTEAD locates a card.)

MISTER UMSTEAD
Well, that’s not… Where the fuck—?

SIMON
Mister Umstead, stop!
Um… I’m sorry for yelling, but—
(SIMON takes a breath.)
Ok. I’ll tell you.
MISTER UMSTEAD
Well… only if you want to.

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FINN
THERE'S NOTHING WHERE HE USED TO LIE
MY INSPIRATION HAS RUN DRY
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON
NOTHING'S RIGHT

I'M TORN
I'M ALL OUT OF FAITH
THIS IS HOW I FEEL
I'M COLD AND I AM SHAMED
LYING NAKED ON THIS FLOOR
ILLUSION NEVER CHANGED
INTO SOMETHING REAL
I'M WIDE AWAKE AND I CAN SEE

THE PERFECT SKY IS TORN

I'M ALL OUT OF FAITH
THIS IS HOW I FEEL
I'M COLD AND I'M ASHAMED
BOUND AND BROKEN ON THE FLOOR
YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE, I'M ALREADY TORN, TORN

(A smattering of awkward applause – what exactly was

that? FINN takes a seat at the bar.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
What was his name?

FINN
Excuse me?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
The guy.

FINN
The guy—?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
The one you were singing about up there. The one who ripped out your heart and ground it into
the floor with his heel?

FINN
I’m sorry / what—?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I have this theory. Want to hear it?

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FINN
Um—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Every karaoke performance
No matter the actual lyrics or tone of the music
Or even the countenance of the vocalist
Is motivated by an ex.
It is my belief that if we didn’t have exes we wouldn’t sing.
I haven’t been wrong yet.

SIMON
I guess I’ve been thinking about love.
(MISTER UMSTEAD has a look on his face.)
See? Silly. You think I’m silly.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Not at all, Simon. Not at all.

(MISSUS LLEWELYN extends her hand.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Amelia Llewelyn.

FINN
Finn Wyatt.

(They shake.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Nice to meet you, Finn.

FINN
You too.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
So what was the guy’s name?

(FINN takes a breath and then—)

FINN
Osaro.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Wow. Great name.

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FINN, miserable
I know.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Great fucking name.

FINN, more miserable

I know.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Cute?

FINN, the most miserable

Stunning.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Even worse.
Hey, Eddie! Two shots!

FINN
Oh. No. I can’t do shots—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
You can, Finn Wyatt. And you will.

SIMON
I saw them through the window of this place we’d passed a couple of times.
Old world.
Drippy candles.
Checkered tablecloths.
You know the kind.
Anyway,
I was walking by on my way to a yoga class
And I glanced inside
And there they were.
Wise and this guy I’d never seen before.
He had dark hair
And he was tall
Well, taller than—
(he gestures to himself.)
Empirically attractive.

(Shot glasses have magically appeared and been drained.)

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FINN
He was perfect.
Is perfect.
Sorry.
He probably still is perfect.
You know
Presumably
I mean
As far as I know.
As far as I know he hasn’t been hit by a bus or disfigured in a knife fight.
As far as I know he’s still the gay male version of Mary Poppins.

SIMON
And they were smiling
And laughing
And…
And well he could have been anyone
You know
The guy
He could have been a friend from college
Or a cousin
Which I remember telling myself.
I remember saying to myself
“Simon, don’t jump to conclusions.”
But then they kissed.
They kissed
And…
And it was one of those across the table kind of kisses?
You know
Where you almost stand
But you don’t quite stand
You just sort of…
(he demonstrates.)
And they just sort of…
(he demonstrates.)
Above their dinners
For what seemed like hours.
My boyfriend
And this tall white man
Suspended in air
Together
Lips on lips
Spaghetti getting cold.

(More shot glasses have magically appeared and been

drained. FINN is getting drunk.)

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FINN
We met at a house party in Philly that my sister Franny dragged me to.
I hate house parties.
I hate crowds
And loud music.
Basically I’m an eighty-five-year-old man
And
Of course
In an attempt to overcome my social anxiety
I drank too much
Way too much
FINN (cont’d)
And at some point I spilled.
I spilled my drink all over the front of a perfect pair of charcoal gray pin-stripe pants.
Osaro’s charcoal gray pin-stripe pants.

SIMON
And I remember I thought
Shit.
That’s what it looks like.
That’s what love looks like.
It looks just like that.

FINN
And he just laughed
I spilled Kahlua all over his beautiful pants
And he laughed like it was the most hilarious thing
And he made me feel like it was the most hilarious thing
And then we were laughing together
And then we were kissing
And—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
One thing led to another—

FINN
One thing led to another.

SIMON
And I lost it.
I fucking saw red or whatever
And there was a rock in the planter by the entrance to the restaurant
About yea big
And I saw it
And I picked it up
And I threw it at the window!

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FINN
And then we were boyfriends
And then we were partners
And then there was a ring
There was a ring
And…
And I should have been ecstatic
You know?
I should have been backflipping and cartwheeling in the street
That’s how fucking stupid excited I should have been.
But I wasn’t.

SIMON
And then I ran
I just took off running
Like—
And he knew it was me.
I know he knew it was me even though…
And I waited up for him that night
I waited in the living room
In the dark
To talk
Or yell
To scream or whatever it was that we were going to do.
And he never came home.
He just…
Never came home.

FINN
So I left.
I just…
I mean I just…

(he gestures.)

SIMON
And I know I said it was about my dad
The move back to Jupiter
But really
It was about me
It was about me and Wise and our fucked up relationship
And I mean
Sure, he’s sad
My father is sad
And sick or whatever
And he needs help

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SIMON (cont’d)
He needs someone
He does
That is true
And nobody else could drop everything
Because they all have kids
And cars
And mortgages
Responsibilities!
And I’m just the fag
You know
The fag who can’t sustain a relationship
Or employment
Or pay my rent
So of course
I can pack up and move back home
Where I can basically pick back up where I left off before college
Lifeguarding
And sleeping in a bunk bed.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Not a bunk / bed—

SIMON
Yeah, a fucking bunk bed.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
So here’s what I have to say—

BARTENDER, from off

Amelia, you’re up!

MISSUS LLEWELYN
One minute, Eddie.
Now I know I don’t look it, but I’ve been around the block—

BARTENDER, from off

AMELIA—!

MISSUS LLEWELYN
WHAT PART OF ONE MINUTE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!
Where was I?
Oh right
Listen,
I’ve seen it all.
The good.

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The bad.
The ugly.
I’ve had men profess their love on mountaintops
Propose with diamonds the size of tennis balls
Promise me the world.
But I’ve never said yes.
And do you know why?

BARTENDER, from off

AMELIA / GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE—!

MISS LLEWELYN
ALL RIGHT I’M COMING! KEEP YOUR FUCKING PANTS ON!
I never said yes
Because until now
I’d never been inlove.
Oh, I’d felt a flutter or two
An occasional flush
But never in all my years had I ever felt the full mind soul body wow of love.
And it’s everything.
And you’ll know it when you feel it.
You’ll know
Because love
True love
Is unmistakable
And undeniable.
And to settle for anything less is the most foolish thing you can ever do.

SIMON
So… that’s pretty much it.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Huh.

SIMON
Yeah…
(to FINN, sweetly) Be a doll and watch my drink?

(The scene shifts to the beach house.

A voicemail message.)

FINN’S VOICE
This is Finn Wyatt’s answering machine.
Yes I still have an answering machine.
Stop laughing and leave a message.

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(A beep.)

FRANNY’S VOICE
Finn?
Finn, are you there?
It’s nine o’ clock.
Well
Technically
Nine oh one.
I thought we were singing to mom.
I thought that was the plan
That I would call at nine
And we would sing “Happy Birthday” together on the phone.
I thought—
(beat)
But clearly you’re—
(beat)
Maybe you’ve forgotten that I’m your sister
Your only sister in fact
Family, Finn
We’re family
And family doesn’t ignore family
Especially not when they’re pregnant so
ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE!
(PAMELA picks up the phone.
FRANNY hears the click.)
Hello?
Finn, is that you?
(beat)
Finn—?

PAMELA
Francine, why do you insist on bothering that boy?

FRANNY’S VOICE
Um…
Finn?

PAMELA
Honestly, little girl
If you spent half the time you spend telling that boy what to do and how to do it talking to
yourself
God only knows where you’d be—

FRANNY’S VOICE
Excuse me—?

37
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PAMELA
You heard me.
For starters
You certainly wouldn’t be pregnant
Not by that Neanderthal you took up with anyway
What was his name again?
Robinson?
Huh
First off
Robinson’s not a first name
It’s a last name
Everybody knows that
Everybody knows that Robinson’s a last name
What was his mama thinking?
And second
Him leaving?
Best thing for you and that baby
Trust me—

FRANNY’S VOICE
But—

PAMELA
Ain’t no buts about it, little girl
Best
Possible
Thing
End of story
You want my advice?
Stop moping about that boy.
He got you pregnant
Then showing himself to be the shiftless no-count non-committal so-and-so he’s ALWAYS been
He left you high and dry.
You better recognize God’s mercy when it full out slaps you in the face.
And leave your brother alone!
Honestly, Francine
You concentrate on your shit and let Finn concentrate on his.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Well I suppose it’s like Lao Tzu said, “if you do not change direction, you may end up where
you are heading.”

PAMELA
Francine?

38
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SIMON
I don’t mean to be dense, but what does that even mean?

PAMELA
Francine, do you hear me talking to you?

MISTER UMSTEAD
I have no fucking clue.

(A moment and then—)

FRANNY’S VOICE, overwhelmed

Mom?

(“Hold On” by Wilson Phillips begins to play.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I’d like to dedicate this song to my new friend Finn. Baby, sometimes life gets bumpy.
Sometimes life is turbulent as shit. But you just have to strap yourself in, tighten that seatbelt and
hold on.

I KNOW THIS PAIN

WHY DO LOCK YOURSELF UP IN THESE CHAINS?
NO ONE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE EXCEPT FOR YOU
DON'T EVER LET ANYONE STEP ALL OVER YOU
JUST OPEN YOUR HEART AND YOUR MIND
IS IT REALLY FAIR TO FEEL THIS WAY INSIDE?

OHH
SOMEDAY SOMEBODY'S GONNA MAKE YOU
WANT TO TURN AROUND AND SAY GOODBYE
UNTIL THEN BABY
ARE YOU GOING TO LET THEM HOLD YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU CRY
DON'T YOU KNOW?
DON'T YOU KNOW THINGS CAN CHANGE
THINGS'LL GO YOUR WAY
IF YOU HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY
CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY
THINGS'LL GO YOUR WAY
HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY

(A beep.
FRANNY appears.
She is driving.
She leaves a message.)

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FRANNY
Finn, are you there?
Finn?
Ok so this will sound
Um
Well
Crazy
Maybe even very crazy
I might be crazy
Or it might be the hormones
I don’t know
But I called tonight
Earlier?
And
Um
Well
Mom
Our mother
Answered the phone.
And I know that sounds…
I know how that sounds
That it sounds very
That I sound very
So we need to talk
You and I
We need to talk now because…
And that is why I am in a car
I am in a car
Driving from Philly to Jupiter
Against the advice of my highly qualified doctor
Because something strange has happened
Something very strange
And—
And I am—
And so we need to—
(beat)
I’m speeding so I should be there by ten.
(beat)
See you soon.

(Another beep.)

FINN
I KNOW THAT THERE IS PAIN
BUT YOU HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY AND
BREAK FREE FROM THE CHAINS

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SIMON
YEAH, I KNOW THAT THERE IS PAIN
BUT YOU HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY AND YOU
BREAK FREE, BREAK FROM THE CHAINS

(The song transforms from a pre-recorded electronic

karaoke track to a full-scale rock ballad.
Time and space blur and the characters are no longer
wherever they were before this moment.
MISSUS LLEWELYN and FINN are no longer at the
karaoke bar.
MISTER UMSTEAD and SIMON are no longer on the
beach.
FRANNY is no longer in her car.
They are in a shared liminal space.
They perform a choreographed dance with beach-related
paraphernalia.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN/MISTER UMSTEAD/FINN/SIMON/FRANNY

SOMEDAY SOMEBODY'S GONNA MAKE YOU WANT TO TURN AROUND AND
SAY GOODBYE
UNTIL THEN BABY ARE YOU GOING TO LET THEM HOLD YOU DOWN AND
MAKE YOU CRY
DON'T YOU KNOW?
DON'T YOU KNOW THINGS CAN CHANGE
THINGS'LL GO YOUR WAY
IF YOU HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY
CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY
THINGS'LL GO YOUR WAY

PAMELA
HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY

(FINN on the beach.)

FINN
Hi mom.
It’s me.
Finn.
(beat)
I’m wasted.
Schwasted.
(he laughs, then sobers.)
I’m sorry.

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I tried to think of something.

You know, to commemorate your birthday
FINN (cont’d)
Like I always do?
But I couldn’t think of anything this year.
(slight beat)
I guess drunken karaoke will have to do.
(He spots something in the sand.
A pair of floaties.)
Huh.
(He puts them on.)
Huh!
(FINN looks out at the sea.
And then—)
Oh
OH
OH!

(FINN exits.
SIMON produces a phone and dials a number.)

SIMON
Hey, pops
It’s me.
I’m just calling to let you know I’m on my way home.
No, I didn’t forget about your mango.
I will pick one up on the corner.
Yes, I know color is not an indicator of ripeness.
I always squeeze the mangos before I—
(he takes a breath)
Of course, Pop.
You’re right.
(SIMON looks out. He sees something in the water.)
What the—?
(A moment and then—)
Holy shit!
Um, dad, I have to go. I think someone is drowning.
(SIMON kicks off his shoes and pulls off his shirt.)
Hey!
Hey, I’m coming!
I’ve got you!
I’ve got you!

(SIMON exits.
The sound of a huge wave as the scene shifts to:)

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6.

(The beach house.

“Emotions” by Mariah Carey begins to play.)

PAMELA
Sometimes when I'm alone
When I’m all by myself
I like to turn up the radio
(The volume is raised.)
Higher.
(The volume is raised.)
Higher!
(The volume is raised.)
There you go!
(beat)
I turn up the volume
And I do the locomotion.
I do the watusi
I do the wobble
And the dap.
I do all the dances.
I know all the moves.
(She moves to the music and then—)
I remember the first time I heard this song
I was twenty-six
And fine
(Still am fine)
And it came on the radio at the end of the summer
And everybody was like
“Holy shit!”
You know?
“Holy Shit”
Cause everybody knew
Everybody could tell that this song was gonna be a hit.
(beat)
That was the summer I met Anthony
Mariah Carey was singing her face off
And I was falling inlove for the first time in my life
With a man who looked like Denzel Washington circa St. Elsewhere.

(The music fades.)

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PAMELA (cont’d)
Sometimes a song can transport you to a better time.
A time before things got messy.
And complicated.
(beat)
“Emotions”?
I could listen to that song on repeat for the rest of my life.
If you know what I mean.
(beat)
And you should definitely check out St. Elsewhere.
That show was the shit.

(PAMELA moves to her perch as the scene shifts to:)

7.

(The hospital.
FINN sits on a gurney in a hospital gown.)

FRANNY
You WHAT—?

FINN
I french-kissed the lifeguard—

FRANNY
Jesus, Finn—!

FINN
I don’t think he minded—

FRANNY
You don’t think he—!
That’s not the point, Finn—

FINN
I know—

FRANNY
It’s so not the point—

FINN
I said I know! God. I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just… did.

FRANNY
Is he pressing charges?

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FINN
What, who—?

FRANNY
The lifeguard—?

FINN
The lifeguard, no! / Why would he—!

FRANNY
For attempted sexual assault / or I don’t know—

FINN
Sexual assault—!

FRANNY
Whatever category of wrongdoing unwanted French-ing falls under—

FINN
It doesn’t fall under anything!

FRANNY
Everything falls under something!
(FRANNY re-states, more quietly.)
Everything falls under something.

(They breathe and then—)

FINN
I thought I was dreaming, ok?
I opened my eyes
In my dream
And there was a man leaning over me
And his mouth was in the vicinity of my mouth
And it was a nice mouth
So I kissed him.
It was like five seconds tops.
(FRANNY gives FINN a look.)
What?

FRANNY
That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

FINN
It’s not ridiculous—

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FRANNY
It is completely—!
(She stops herself.)
What were you even doing in the water? Huh?
You don’t swim.
You can’t swim.
Yr afraid of water.

FINN
I’m not afraid / of water—

FRANNY
Since when?
(FRANNY breathes.)
Look, I’m just trying to understand.
(beat)
Was this some kind of stunt for mom’s birthday?
Is that what this was?
Like the wading pool flood in yr bedroom two years ago?

FINN
That was an accident.

FRANNY
Or last year when you left the windows down at the car wash?

FINN
I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

FRANNY FINN
Finn— I don’t want to talk
Finn I don’t want to talk
Would you please…? I don’t want to talk
I don’t want to talk
Would you…? I don’t want to talk
I don’t want to talk
Would you please stop? I don’t want to talk
I don’t want to talk
Finn I don’t want to talk
I don’t want to talk
Finn I don’t want to talk
Finn Finn Finn Finn Finn— I don’t want to talk—

FRANNY
FINN, WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE!

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(beat)

FINN
Didn’t yr doctor say that you should try to stay calm?
You know like for the baby?
(beat)
And also – why are you even here?

FRANNY
I don’t know. Cause I care, I guess.
(beat)
Why are there never any fucking chairs around when you need them?

(And then—
FINN exits, hospital gown hanging open, to get FRANNY a
chair from the hallway.)

FRANNY (cont’d)
Thank you.

FINN
Yr welcome.
(beat)
I’m sorry I almost drowned.

FRANNY
You don’t have to apologize just—
(she takes a breath.)
Just tell me what you were doing in the fucking ocean.
I mean, what would possess you to do something so fucking stupid—

FINN FRANNY
I don’t know. And don’t say you don’t know.

(beat)

FRANNY
Look. You want to swim? Fine. Take lessons. Find the nearest YMCA and learn how to swim
properly. Are you hearing me?

FINN
Yes.

FRANNY
No one learns to swim by osmosis—

47
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FINN
I know—

FRANNY
You have to do it—

FINN
I know—

FRANNY
You have to be taught—

FINN
I know—

FRANNY
By someone who knows what they’re doing—

FINN
Franny, I know.

(They breathe.)

FRANNY
I hope the bathroom at the house is clean.

(beat)

FINN
It’s not.

(beat)

FRANNY
Jerk.

(The scene shifts to:)

48
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8.

(SIMON’s apartment.
He peels a mango.)

SIMON
I saved a guy yesterday.
I don’t think I mentioned…
He was my age, I guess.
Maybe a little younger.
Twenty-something maybe.
Sort of cute.
(beat)
He was wearing floaties.
You know those arm bands you blow up that help you swim…?
He kissed me.
(beat)
Technically, it was unwanted, but…
(beat)
I never told you this
I don’t know why I ever would have told you this
I don’t know why I’m telling you this now
But in New York
In New York I had an OK Cupid profile.
OK Cupid’s this… dating website.
You know, online.
Anyway, it was mostly for fun
Which I realize is what people with OK Cupid profiles always say.
(beat)
I was wearing a hat in my photo.
A Panama hat.
And a white scoop necked t-shirt.
And I was only half smiling.
(beat)
It was a very good picture.
A lot of people commented on it.
(beat)
I could have gone on dates.
I could have gone on a lot of dates.
Men messaged me their numbers.
Their addresses…
(beat)
Sometimes they messaged me pictures of their dicks.
I never asked for them.
I would never—
(he smiles.)

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 10/15/19

SIMON (cont’d)
But they sometimes sent them anyway.
(beat)
I kept them in a folder on my computer.
Sometimes I would open it up
And look at the photos
And try to imagine what the man attached to the featured appendage looked like.
Like did he have a kind face?
A bald head?
Did he have a tattoo on his clavicle?
(beat)
Of course, I deleted all the dicks after I met Wise.
(beat)
The first time we met he pretty much said I was the one
He said, “where have you been all my life?”
And “don’t go anywhere, ok?”
And I said
“I won’t”
I said, “I’m staying right here.”
And then we moved in together after three months of dating and…
(beat)
Cause see I thought his would be the only dick I’d be looking at for the rest of my life
And then it didn’t work out.
And now I’m here.
Sad and alone
In Jupiter.
Well not completely alone.
(he looks off.)
I have you.
(beat)
Dad?
(beat)
Pops, are you ok in there?

(PAMELA appears.
She sips a cup of coffee.)

PAMELA
I am not a morning person.

SIMON
Pops?

(SIMON exits.)

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PAMELA
Usually I sleep until noon
Or one
Or maybe one thirty.
I draw the line at two though.
Sleeping later than two is just plain lazy
And I am not lazy.
On the rare occasion that I find myself up before noon
I like to drink a cup of coffee.
Something full-bodied
Yet smooth
With a kick.
I like a blend that says
“Hey. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Wake the fuck up!”
(The phone rings.)
I don’t answer the phone before I’ve finished my first cup.

(An answering machine greeting.)

FINN’S VOICE
This is Finn Wyatt’s answering machine.
Yes, I still have an answering machine.
Stop laughing and leave a message.

(A beep.)

OSARO’S VOICE
Finn, call me back.
Fucking call me back.
(he has a thought.)
Call me back or I’ll come down there.
I’ll find Jupiter
(Yeah, I know that’s where you are)
I’ll find it on a fucking map
And I’ll book a flight
And I’ll knock on doors until I find someone who knows you
Someone who knows where you live
And you’ll come home from wherever
The store
Or the beach
Or wherever
And I’ll be there
Waiting for you on yr doorstep
And then you’ll have to talk to me.
You’ll have to look me in the eye.
You’ll have to look me in the eye and say to my face

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OSARO’S VOICE (cont’d)

I don’t want to get married.
(beat)
You’ll have to say it.
And then I’ll know.
(beat)
Then I’ll know.
(a longer beat)
God, I miss you.
(beat)
I love you—
(PAMELA picks up the phone.
OSARO hears the click.)
Hello?
(beat)
Finn—?

PAMELA
How much?

OSARO’S VOICE
Finn, is that / you—?

PAMELA
I said how much?

OSARO’S VOICE
How much what? Who the fuck is this—?

PAMELA
If you love him. If you really love him. Then prove it.

(We hear keys in the door.)

OSARO’S VOICE
What?

PAMELA
Goodbye.

(PAMELA quickly hangs up the phone and returns to her

cage. Shit – her coffee! PAMELA re-opens her cage,
retrieves her cup then re-enters her cage as FINN and
FRANNY appear in the doorway.
A moment and then—)

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FINN
Here we are…
(he gestures.)
It’s um…
I haven’t really…
(beat)
I wasn’t expecting company.
(beat)
Do you want to come inside?
(beat)
Franny, do you / want to come inside—?

FRANNY
In a minute.
I just—
(beat)
In a minute.

(They continue to stand in the doorway.)

FINN
It was weird for me too at first.
I didn’t know what to expect.
I got the key from the management company
Opened the door and—
Here it was.

FRANNY
It looks exactly the same.

FINN
Yeah.

FRANNY
The furniture.
The wallpaper.
It’s like a museum.
It’s like an exhibit in a museum of a house on the beach we spent summers in thirteen years ago.

FINN
Everything’s still here.
All our old games and puzzles.
Our books.
Bathing suits still in the drawers—

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FRANNY
I told myself I’d never come back here.
I swore that I—
And now—
(The baby kicks.)
Oh!

FINN
Oh God! Franny, what’s wrong?

FRANNY
Nothing. The baby’s just—
(The baby kicks again.)
Ah!
She’s just kicking.
No cause for alarm—

FINN
You need to sit down—

FRANNY
I’m fine. Really. I’m fine right / here—

FINN
In the doorway? But there’s a couch right over / there—

FRANNY
I’m comfortable here. Right where I am—

FINN
But, Franny—

FRANNY
TOUCH ME ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL BITE OFF YOUR FINGER!
(beat)
Sorry, that was the pregnancy talking.

(beat)

FINN
I’m gonna get you a glass of water.
(He moves to exit and then—)
Please don’t leave.

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(FINN exits.
A moment and then—
The phone begins to ring.)

FRANNY, calling off

Um… Finn?
(beat)
Finn, the phone.
(beat)
Do you want me to…?
Shit—
(FRANNY enters the room and answers the phone.)
Wyatt residence?

OSARO’S VOICE
Look, Finn
I don’t know what that was
Or who the fuck that was on the phone just now
But it’s not ok
It is not ok for some stranger to—
And I don’t know if you have some kind of wacked out roommate
Who thinks that just because you live together
Yr business is her business or whatever, but
You should tell her
It’s not.
I’m not her business.
Our relationship is not—
And I wanted to put a fucking ring on yr finger so—

FRANNY
Osaro?

OSARO’S VOICE
Finn—?
Is this—?

FRANNY
No, it’s Fran.
Franny.

OSARO’S VOICE
Franny. Hey. Wow. I wasn’t expecting…
Yr in Jupiter?

55
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FRANNY
I am.

OSARO’S VOICE
With Finn?

FRANNY
Yeah. He’s actually um…
He’s getting me a glass of water, but I can call him if you—

(PAMELA pulls the phone cord from the wall.)

FRANNY OSARO’S VOICE

Hello? Hello?
Osaro? Franny?
Are you still…? Are you still…?

(They look at their respective phones.)

FRANNY (cont’d) OSARO’S VOICE (cont’d)
Shit. Shit.

(FRANNY follows the phone line to PAMELA’S cage.

PAMELA squawks.
FRANNY screams.
FINN enters with a glass of water.)

FRANNY (cont’d) FINN

Oh my God oh my God oh my God What happened? Are you ok?

(FRANNY is pointing at PAMELA.)

FRANNY
You have a…
Um a…
She’s a…
(PAMELA squawks.)
Parrot!
You have a parrot!

PAMELA
I am not a parrot.

(PAMELA squawks. FRANNY screams.)

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FINN
Ok ok
So things you should know.
Thing one
She doesn’t like being called a parrot.

FRANNY
Excuse me?

FINN
She doesn’t believe in labels.

FRANNY
She’s a fucking parrot!

(PAMELA squawks. FRANNY screams.)

FINN
Thing two
Sometimes she squawks.
It’s something she sometimes does.
Maybe try not to scream every time?

FRANNY
I’m not making any promises.

FINN
And thing three
African Grey Parrots usually don’t get any bigger than thirteen inches
So if you could maybe not mention Pamela’s size in a disparaging manner
That would be awesome.

FRANNY
Wait. Pamela?
You mean like…?

FINN
Yeah.
Sorry.
Did I not say—?

FRANNY
I think I need to sit down.

(They move to the couch. They sit. And then—)

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FINN
Are you ok?

FRANNY
Where did she come from?

FINN
Who?

FRANNY
Who do you think!
(She gestures toward Pamela, who squawks.
FRANNY screams, but a little less frantically than before.)
I’m never gonna get used to that.
(And then—)
Well?

FINN
I don’t know.

FRANNY
What do you mean you don’t know—?

FINN
I mean, I got here
And the house was all boarded up
And all the furniture was covered with sheets
And it was…
It was the saddest place
And I couldn’t bring myself to use the bathroom because
Well because of—
Well, you know.
And so whenever I needed to relieve myself
I’d go down the beach to the karaoke bar
And pee
And get drunk
And sing
And anyway
One day
I woke up in the middle of the night
And I knew I wasn’t going to make it to the bar down the beach
So I opened the bathroom door
And I lifted the toilet seat
And I started to
You know
And that very same moment

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FINN (cont’d)
Pamela flew in window!
(PAMELA squawks.)
She scared the shit out of me
I mean
I yelled and yelled
And pee went everywhere
And it was
Traumatic
And well
Disgusting
And then it was funny
And I started to laugh
And then Pamela started to laugh

FRANNY
She laughs?

FINN
Of course, she laughs.
Everything laughs.
And then she said
“I think you missed the toilet”
And I laughed harder
And she laughed harder
And then we ordered a pizza.

FRANNY
You ordered a pizza?

FINN
Yeah.

PAMELA
Extra large thin crust with sausage, mushrooms and black olives.
My favorite.

FINN
Mine, too.

FRANNY
And you named her Pamela?

FINN
And I—?
Oh, no.

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FRANNY
You didn’t name her Pamela?

FINN
No.

FRANNY
Then how did she—?

FINN
Oh she told me.
While we were eating she said, “just so you know. My name is Pamela.”
And I figured, why the fuck not?
(beat)
You need more water.

(FINN exits with the glass.

A long moment and then—
FRANNY looks PAMELA in the eyes.)

FRANNY
Pamela?

PAMELA
Yes, Francine?

(FRANNY faints.)

9.

(MISSUS LLEWELYN’S pet store. A bell chimes.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN, from off

I’ll be right with you.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Take your time.

(MISSUS LLEWELYN enters.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Oh, Mister Umstead. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was you.

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MISTER UMSTEAD
That’s quite all right.
(He takes in the store.)
Would you look at this place!

MISSUS LLEWELYN
It’s something, isn’t it?

MISTER UMSTEAD
It sure is.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Well, to what do I owe this visit?
Did you wake up this morning with a hankering for a water dish?

MISTER UMSTEAD
I can’t say that I did.
No, Missus Llewlyn, there’s—
Well, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
That sounds a bit ominous.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Oh no.
Sorry, it’s—
It’s just that I’ve been thinking about last night.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Oh?

MISTER UMSTEAD
About Simon.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
About Simon…?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Yeah
You know I went after him like you said
Tried to offer some words of wisdom.
But I don’t know.
It’s hard to know what to say to young people.
What to say
And how much
You want them to live their own lives

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MISTER UMSTEAD (cont’d)

Make their own choices
But well if you have a vested interest
If you want to see them succeed
There’s always the temptation to tell them everything
To lay it all out
Share all the tricks—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Right, but if you do that then they don’t learn.
Not really anyway—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Well, see that’s the / thing—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Advice is great.
It’s great and important
It is
But it shouldn’t serve as a replacement for doing.
In my opinion
The more mistakes Simon makes
And the dirtier his hands get
The better.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Dirty hands, huh?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Dirty hands, Mister Umstead.
(MISSUS LLEWELYN moves in—)
Filthy—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Missus Llewelyn, I feel like there are some things you should know about me.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
You don’t say—

MISTER UMSTEAD
Like the fact that I’ve been married.
Twice.
First to Helen
And then to Gloria.
Helen died six years ago.
Breast cancer.

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MISTER UMSTEAD (cont’d)

I met Gloria in one of those support groups a few years after.
We’re separated now.
Amicably.
It was amicable, the separation but…
Well, in the wake of the divorce
I guess I sort of resigned myself to being alone.
And it’s not that I want to be alone
I mean
I look at you and all thoughts of…
And I don’t want you to think for a minute that my hesitation
Has anything to do with you
Because you are…
It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
How long were you and Helen married?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Thirty-eight years.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
That’s a long time.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Yes, it is.
We weathered many a storm together.
And not these little drizzles these young people fall to pieces over now.
I mean hurricanes.
Natural disasters.
I loved her.
Very much.
And I miss her
Still.
Not every moment of every day
But many moments of many days.

(MISSUS LLEWELYN has an idea.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Will you hold on for one second, Mister Umstead?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Of course.

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(MISSUS LLEWELYN exits.

The scene shifts to the beach house bathroom.
PAMELA is scrubbing the tub.)

FRANNY
Robinson was so excited when I told him I was pregnant.
Or at least he seemed excited.
He did a little dance
And he smiled.
His whole face just…
He looked like Christmas morning.
And I never had the best relationship with my dad.
Well – you know.
He was barely around
And when he was—
And then after mom…
Well
You
Well
Then he wasn’t around at all…
(beat)
No.
No, he was excited.
I said seemed before
But was excited.
He wanted this baby.
He wanted to be a father.
(beat)
That motherfucker.

(MISSUS LLEWELYN returns with a plastic bag.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I want you to have this.

MISTER UMSTEAD
A fish?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
It’s called a Betta. They come in a variety of colors from vivid reds and blues to mellow grays.
They are remarkably curious, sociable fish.

MISTER UMSTEAD
I don’t know. I don’t even have a bowl.

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MISSUS LLEWELYN
Yr in luck. I own a pet store.

MISTER UMSTEAD
What if I kill it?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Betta’s are one of the easiest fish to take care of.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Amelia, I—

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Harold…
Start with something small.

(The scene shifts to:)

10.

(The beach.)

FINN
Hi, ma.
It’s me.
Finn.
(beat)
Last night didn’t go so well, did it?
(beat)
No, it really…
(A moment and then—)
Um…
I remember coming to the beach every summer
You and dad and Franny and me.
I remember coming to the house every summer
And I remember we were happy.
The four of us.
We were happiest at the beach.
I remember that you liked the water.
I remember that.
I remember you tried to teach me how to swim.
I remember you signed me up for lessons
And at the first lesson I yelled shark and caused a stampede.
All the parents were angry.
They were so…
But not you.

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FINN (cont’d)
You laughed like it was the most hilarious thing.
Because – why not?
(beat)
I learned some things last night
While I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
You wanna hear?
I learned that floaties are for pools and not for oceans.
I learned that the sea isn’t a good place to try to teach yourself to swim
Especially at night when it’s dark.
I learned that one should set more reasonable goals.
Deciding at the last minute to swim to Cuba was maybe a little ambitious.
I learned that maybe I understand you more than I’d like to admit.
That maybe I understand why you did what you did.
That maybe I did what I did last night because I also—
(beat)
Because I’m—
(beat)
Because I’m like you…
In that way.
(beat)
And that scares me.
A lot.
Because I don’t think I’m supposed to—
I don’t think I’m supposed to understand that
About you.
No child is supposed to
Understand that
About—
(beat)
And I don’t want that.
(beat)
That’s the final thing I learned last night
The thing I realized as I was being pulled from the sea.
I’m not you.
I came from you, yes.
I am like you in many ways, yes.
But I am not you.

11.

(Another part of the beach.

SIMON and MISTER UMSTEAD watch the fish.)

SIMON
And she just gave it to you? Out of the blue?

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MISTER UMSTEAD
We were talking.
Having a nice conversation, I thought.
And I mentioned my ex-wives—

SIMON
You what?

MISTER UMSTEAD
My…
(SIMON gives MISTER UMSTEAD a look.)
Simon, why are you looking at me like that?

SIMON
You discussed yr ex-wives with Amelia?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Yes.

SIMON
And you don’t think that that—?

MISTER UMSTEAD
That that what?

SIMON
Nevermind. Continue with yr story.

MISTER UMSTEAD
So then she said, I want you to have this. And she handed it to me.
What am I supposed to do with a fish?

SIMON
Watch it swim around in circles?

(They watch the fish swim in circles.)

MISTER UMSTEAD
It’s not even a practical gift.

SIMON
Maybe not. But he is kind of cute.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Is he? How can you tell?

67
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SIMON
I don’t know. The way he moves his mouth is sort of cute.

MISTER UMSTEAD
I don’t see it.

SIMON
No?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Nah.
(a longer beat)
Simon, did I ever tell you that I proposed to my first wife because I saw her in a field in a dream?

(SIMON gives MISTER UMSTEAD a look like – you

what?)

MISTER UMSTEAD
I know.
It sounds…
I know how it sounds.
Believe me I do.
But when I proposed to Helen we barely knew each other.
I mean, I’d seen her around
Said maybe fifty words to her
Hello
And how are you
That sort of thing.
I thought she had the kindest eyes.
Now I’d been having this one particular dream every so often for years
Starting when I was about ten.
It was a simple dream.
Blue skies.
Yellow sun.
And me walking through a field of tall grass.
That’s all.
Just me
Parting the stalks with my hands.
Now there’d never been anyone else in the dream
But one night
She was there
In the field with me
And she looked up
Saw me
And she smiled.
And that’s when I woke up.

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MISTER UMSTEAD (cont’d)

And the very next day I asked her to marry me.
And she said yes.

SIMON
Wow.

MISTER UMSTEAD
It’s crazy, I know.

SIMON
Pretty crazy, yeah.

MISTER UMSTEAD
But see that’s the thing, Simon
Love takes two.
And the circumstances of that love can be ridiculous
Nonsensical even
The stuff of fiction
Of books and movies
A woman in a field in a dream
But if that woman is dreaming the same dream
Then it works.
It just… works.
And it seems to me
That this Wise fellow
He wasn’t the guy in yr field.

(A moment and then—

SIMON’S phone rings.)

SIMON
Sorry—

MISTER UMSTEAD
No, sure.

SIMON
Hello?
(beat)
Yes, this is Simon Ainslie.
Who is this?
Who?
Sorry, I’m on the beach and…
What?
I’m sorry, what did you say?

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SIMON (cont’d)
My dad is…?
(beat)
Well do you know what happened?
(beat)
Um…
Ok ok ok
Where is he?
(beat)
Um no
I’m close
I’m…
I’ll be there as fast as I can.
Yeah.
Ok.
(beat)
Bye.
(SIMON ends the phone conversation.)
I have to go.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Is everything all right?

SIMON
It’s my pops.
He…
Um…
I have to go.

(SIMON exits. The scene shifts to:)

12.

(The beach house.

FRANNY is in the tub.
Her phone rings.
She answers.)

FRANNY
What do you want?

(ROBINSON, FRANNY’S boyfriend, appears.)

ROBINSON
Really, Fran? What do I want—?

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FRANNY
That’s what I said, Robinson. What do you want?

ROBINSON
Ok now Franny. Ain’t no need to holler.

FRANNY
No?

ROBINSON
Nah. Come on now. Calm down.

FRANNY
You seriously wanna call me up after two weeks of absence and tell me to calm down?
Fuck calm.

ROBINSON
Fran—

FRANNY
Fuck calm. And fuck you.

(MISSUS LLEWELYN’S phone rings.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Llewelyn’s Pets.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Amelia. It’s Harold.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Oh. Hello.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Hello.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Is everything ok? With your fish, I mean?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Oh yeah. Toby’s fine.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Toby? You named him Toby?

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MISTER UMSTEAD
Yeah.
I figured he sort of looks like this guy I knew once
His name was Toby
And I liked him well enough so…
It seems to fit.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Well, it’s a nice name.

ROBINSON
Look, I know I’ve been sorta MIA.

FRANNY
Oh you know that do you?

ROBINSON
Yeah, I do.
But see, I can explain.
Well, maybe not explain exactly but…
But like try to break it down for you.

FRANNY
Not interested.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Is that why you called?
To tell me that you named yr fish?

MISTER UMSTEAD
No.
Well yes, but…
I also had a question.
See Toby’s doing this thing with his um…
(he gestures.)
Well
It’s actually kind of hard to explain.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Is it his fin?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Not exactly. It’s more like…

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Like what?

72
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MISTER UMSTEAD
Like…
(beat)
You know this would probably be easier if…
Do you make house calls?

ROBINSON
Franny—

FRANNY
I had to go to Lamaze class alone.
Do you know how embarrassing that was?
Going to a Couples’ Lamaze class alone?
The teacher felt the need to amend all of her instructions
To make me feel less awkward.
“If you have a partner this is what he or she would be doing at this point.”
If.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Mister Umstead, I’m not sure that my coming to your home would be entirely appropriate.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Amelia,
I wouldn’t call if I didn’t need your expert opinion.
You gave me this fish
And I’m trying to do right by him.
Please.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Fine. But only because there’s an animal involved.

FRANNY
I thought you wanted this. I thought we were in this together.

ROBINSON
We were. We are.

FRANNY
Well which is it? Were or are?
(beat)
Robinson—

ROBINSON
It’s complicated.

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FRANNY
Of course, it’s complicated. Relationships are complicated. Pregnancy is complicated.
Life is complicated—

ROBINSON
Listen, Franny—

FRANNY
But you know what isn’t complicated, Robinson?
What isn’t complicated is the love I have for this little girl.
She’s not even born yet and I…
I mean, it’s like nothing I have ever…
I would walk through fire.
Swim from here to Cuba for her.
Whatever.
Anything.
Love isn’t always complicated.
It is a lot of the time.
Too much of the time probably.
We overcomplicate it.
But sometimes…
Sometimes it’s simple.
The smallest thing.
Do what you need to do, Robinson.
You need to move out?
You need to move on?
You need to whatever?
Do it.

ROBINSON
Fran…

FRANNY
Do it. You have my blessing.

ROBINSON
Come on now. Don’t be like that.

FRANNY
Don’t be like what?

ROBINSON
Like a fucking bitch.

(beat)

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FRANNY
You know what?
My mother was right about you.

ROBINSON
I never met yr mother.

FRANNY
Yeah.
I know.
(beat)
Look
I couldn’t’ve made this baby without you.
So for that
I thank you.
(beat)
Do not call me again.

(FRANNY ends the conversation.

She breathes.)

FRANNY (cont’d)
I’m fine.
I’m fine.
I’m fine.
I’m fine.
I’m fine.
I’m…
Oh.
(beat)
Um…
(beat)
I’m…
(Something is wrong.)
Oh god.
(beat)
Oh god.
(beat)
Um… someone?
(beat)
Someone help.
Please!
(a longer beat)
FRANNY (cont’d)
Pamela!

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(The scene shifts to:)

13.

(Karaoke night at the dive bar.)

BARTENDER, from off

Next up… Simon!
(SIMON appears.)
Everyone give it up for Simon!

(A smattering of applause.
“I Will Love Again” by Laura Fabian begins to play.)

SIMON
My pops loved this song. I’m not sure why.
But anyway, this is for him.

DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW YOU LIVE IN ME?

EVERY WAKING MOMENT, EVEN IN MY DREAMS
AND IF ALL THIS TALK IS CRAZY
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN
DOES IT REALLY MATTER JUST AS LONG AS I BELIEVE?

I WILL LOVE AGAIN

THOUGH MY HEART IS BREAKING I WILL LOVE AGAIN
STRONGER THAN BEFORE
I WILL LOVE AGAIN
EVEN IF IT TAKES A LIFETIME TO GET OVER YOU
HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS
I WILL LOVE AGAIN

PEOPLE NEVER TELL YOU THE WAY THEY TRULY FEEL

I WOULD DIE FOR YOU GLADLY, IF I KNEW IT WAS FOR REAL
SO IF ALL THIS TALK SOUNDS CRAZY
AND THE WORDS DON'T COME OUT RIGHT

DOES IT REALLY MATTER IF IT GETS ME THROUGH THIS NIGHT?

I WILL LOVE AGAIN
THOUGH MY HEART IS BREAKING I WILL LOVE AGAIN
STRONGER THAN BEFORE
I WILL LOVE AGAIN
EVEN IF IT TAKES A LIFETIME TO GET OVER YOU
SIMON (cont’d)
HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS
IF I'M TRUE TO MYSELF

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NOBODY ELSE CAN TAKE THE PLACE OF YOU

BUT I'VE GOT TO MOVE ON
TELL ME WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

(SIMON breaks.
It is long
And awkward
And real.
Eventually the music is turned off.)

SIMON (cont’d)
I WILL LOVE AGAIN
THOUGH MY HEART IS BREAKING I WILL LOVE AGAIN

I will love again.

I will love again.
I'll love again…

(A long increasingly self-conscious moment and then—

SIMON speaks into the microphone.)

SIMON (cont’d)
Thank you.

(The scene shifts to:)

14.

(The beach house.

FINN enters.)

FINN
Franny?
(he enters.)
Franny, are you—?
(he sees PAMELA.)
Oh
Pamela
You scared me.
Hi.
(beat)

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FINN (cont’d)
Where’s Franny?
Pamela?
(beat)
Where’s—

(PAMELA pushes a button on FINN’s answering machine.)

ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE

You have three unheard messages—

FINN
Pamela, what are you—?

ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE

First message.

FRANNY’S VOICE
Finn? Finn, are you there—?

(PAMELA deletes the message.)

ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE

Message erased.
Next message.

FRANNY’S VOICE
So
This will sound
Um
Well
Crazy—

(PAMELA deletes the message.)

ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE

Message erased.
Next message.

FINN
Pamela?

(PAMELA squawks.)

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OSARO’S VOICE
Call me back.
(beat)
Fucking call me back—

(PAMELA deletes the message.)

ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE FINN

Message erased. Wait, was that Osaro—?
Next message. PAMELA!

(PAMELA squawks.)

FRANNY’S VOICE FINN (cont’d)

Finn
It’s Franny
So
Don’t freak out but
I’m in labor— What?
I’m in the back of an ambulance
And I’m in labor
And I need you to meet me at the hospital Oh my god oh my god oh my god…
With my bag Pamela, how long ago did she—?
Jesus fucking—!
Everything’s fine
Everything’s fine
Well
I mean
Everything’s not fine
I’m having a fucking baby
But…
Just
Come
Ok?
As soon as you can
Please just come.

ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE

To erase this message press 7. To save it press 9.
(FINN breathes.)
To erase this message press 7. To save it press 9.
(FINN breathes.)
To erase this message press 7. To save it press—
(FINN deletes the message.)
You have… no …new messages.

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FINN
No new messages…
Shit.

(FINN gathers FRANNY’S things then moves to exit.

He turns back to PAMELA.)

FINN (cont’d)
She’s going to be ok, right?
(beat)
Pamela?

(PAMELA squawks.
A moment and then—
FINN exits.
MISTER UMSTEAD and MISSUS LLEWELYN watch Toby
swim in circles.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Mister Umstead, this fish is perfectly healthy.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Really? Because I swear he was acting a little funny before you got here.
You know
Sort of…
(he gestures.)
Are you sure you don’t need to examine him?

MISSUS LLEWELYN
I’m positive. There is nothing wrong with Toby.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Oh.
Well that’s a relief.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Uh huh.

MISTER UMSTEAD
I was scared there for a minute.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Mister Umstead.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Call me Harold, please.

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MISSUS LLEWELYN
Harold. Did you lie to me on the phone to get me to come over here?

MISTER UMSTEAD
What?
No.
I would never lure you over to my apartment with a false pet emergency.
(MISSUS LLEWELYN gives MISTER UMSTEAD a look.)
Honest!
Though
If someone were to do that
And if his efforts did in fact result in a very attractive younger woman’s arrival at a certain
dashing older gentleman’s home
It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world
Would it?
(MISSUS LLEWELYN moves to speak.)
But before you say anything
I um…
I have something for you.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
You… what—?

MISTER UMSTEAD
Just one minute.

(He exits the room. MISSUS LLEWELYN watches Toby.)

MISSUS LLEWELYN
What’s your daddy up to, huh?
What’s your daddy up to?
(MISTER UMSTEAD re-enters with a portable karaoke
machine.)
Harold, what in God’s name—?

MISTER UMSTEAD
I heard you like karaoke so…
(MISTER UMSTEAD starts the track.
“I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by the Proclaimers begins to
play.)
Amelia, this one’s for you.

WHEN I WAKE UP, WELL I KNOW I'M GONNA BE,

I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO WAKES UP NEXT YOU
WHEN I GO OUT, YEAH I KNOW I'M GONNA BE
I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO GOES ALONG WITH YOU

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MISTER UMSTEAD (cont’d)

IF I GET DRUNK, WELL I KNOW I'M GONNA BE
I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO GETS DRUNK NEXT TO YOU
AND IF I HAVER UP, YEAH I KNOW I'M GONNA BE
I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO'S HAVERING TO YOU

BUT I WOULD WALK FIVE HUNDRED MILES

AND I WOULD WALK FIVE HUNDRED MORE
JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES
TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR

WHEN I'M WORKING, YES I KNOW I'M GONNA BE

I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO'S WORKING HARD FOR YOU
AND WHEN THE MONEY, COMES IN FOR THE WORK I DO
I'LL PASS ALMOST EVERY PENNY ON TO YOU
WHEN I COME HOME WELL I KNOW I'M GONNA BE
I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO COMES BACK HOME TO YOU
AND IF I GROW-OLD WELL I KNOW I'M GONNA BE
I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO'S GROWING OLD WITH YOU

BUT I WOULD WALK FIVE HUNDRED MILES

AND I WOULD WALK FIVE HUNDRED MORE
JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES
TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR
DA DA DA DA

MISSUS LLEWELYN
DA DA DA DA

MISTER UMSTEAD
DA DA DA DA

MISSUS LLEWELYN
DA DA DA DA

MISTER UMSTEAD/MISSUS LLEWELYN

DA DA DA DUN DIDDLE UN DIDDLE UN DIDDLE UH DA

MISTER UMSTEAD
DA DA DA DA

MISSUS LLEWELYN
DA DA DA DA

MISTER UMSTEAD
DA DA DA DA

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MISSUS LLEWELYN
DA DA DA DA

MISTER UMSTEAD/MISSUS LLEWELYN

DA DA DA DUN DIDDLE UN DIDDLE UN DIDDLE UH DA

(MISSUS LLEWELYN kisses MISTER UMSTEAD.

MISTER UMSTEAD turns the fish bowl away so that Toby
can’t see them. You know, for modesty’s sake.
The scene shifts to:)

15.

(The hospital.
FRANNY holds a baby in her arms.)

FINN
She’s so small.

FRANNY
She’s a baby, Finn.

FINN
I know she’s a baby, Franny.
I’ve just never seen one so close up before.

FRANNY
Say hello to your crazy Uncle Finn.
“Hi Crazy Uncle Finn.”

FINN
Hi Ginny. Oh my God she’s gorgeous.

FRANNY
She is, isn’t she?

FINN
She looks like you.

FRANNY
You think?

FINN
Yeah.
Like you and—

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FINN FRANNY
Like mom. Like mom.

FINN
Yeah.
(beat)
Um
So
I have this picture of us
(FINN produces a photograph.)
It’s of all of us
You, me and mom in the bathtub
We’re all wearing bathing suits
And we’re smiling.
Your front teeth are missing.
And my eyes are squinty.
Mom looks beautiful.

FRANNY
I’ve never seen this before.

FINN
It was in one of mom’s boxes
I found it when I—
(beat)
It’s nice, right?

FRANNY
Yeah, it’s nice.

(beat)

FINN
Hey, Franny?

FRANNY
Yeah?

FINN
Do you think…?

FRANNY
Do I think what, Finn?

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FINN
Do you think that if your mom wasn’t happy
And if your dad isn’t happy
And your mom killed herself
And your dad disappeared after your mom killed herself…
Do you think um…
(beat)
Do you think it’s possible that—?

FRANNY
We’re predisposed to unhappiness?

FINN
Well, yeah.

FRANNY
I don’t think it’s hereditary, Finn. I hope it’s not anyway.
(FRANNY begins to sing.)
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you

FRANNY/FINN
Happy Birthday dear mom
Happy Birthday to you

(beat)

FINN
I never talked to Osaro. I know I said that I did, but I didn’t. I’m sorry I lied.

FRANNY
Well, I kind of gave him the landline—

FINN
That was you—?

FRANNY
I know I shouldn’t have
But he cornered me in the frozen foods aisle at the supermarket
And he took the last carton of Rocky Road hostage
And said he wouldn’t let me have it unless I told him your number.
He just looked so… pathetic
And I really needed that ice cream.
(beat)
I’m sorry.
(beat)

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FRANNY (cont’d)
He called you know.

FINN
I heard.

FRANNY
You should talk to him.

FINN
You should talk to Robinson—

FRANNY, definitively
Oh – I did.

(beat)

FINN
Good for you.

(They smile.
A moment and then FRANNY makes a ringing sound.)

FINN (cont’d)
Seriously, Franny?

FRANNY
Yes, seriously, Finn.

FINN
What are we like five?

FRANNY
I just pushed out a fucking eight-pound baby. Pick up the goddamn imaginary phone!

(FINN answers the pretend phone.)

FINN
Hello?

FRANNY
I remember the day in the photo.
We were at the house
And it had been raining for days
And mom and dad turned the bathroom into a beach.
We went swimming in the ocean

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FRANNY (cont’d)
The tub
We had a picnic.
We buried dad under the bath towels.
And we stayed there all day
At the beach on the bathroom floor.

(The scene shifts to:)

16.

(The beach house.

The phone rings and rings and rings.
And then—
An answering machine greeting.)

FINN’S VOICE
This is Finn Wyatt’s answering machine.
Yes, I still have an answering machine.
Stop laughing and leave a message.

(A beep.)

FINN’S VOICE (cont’d)

Is that really what my voice sounds / like? Fuck—

FRANNY’S VOICE
Seriously, Finn? You’re concerned about the sound / of your voice—?

FINN’S VOICE
What? / I never call myself—

FRANNY’S VOICE
Jesus Christ!
Pamela? Pamela, are you there?
(PAMELA enters the room.)
It’s Franny—

FINN’S VOICE
And Finn.
(to FRANNY) I’m here, too—

FRANNY’S VOICE
I had the baby—

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FINN’S VOICE
And she’s beautiful—!

FRANNY’S VOICE
Her name is Ginny. We thought you’d want to know—

FINN’S VOICE
We wanted you to know.

FRANNY’S VOICE
Yeah. We wanted you to know.

FINN’S VOICE
Franny has to stay in the hospital until tomorrow—

FRANNY’S VOICE
But then we’ll be home—

FINN’S VOICE
Right. Then we’ll all be home.

(A beep.
After a long moment—
PAMELA smiles
Then squawks as the scene shifts to:)

17.

(SIMON on the beach, his phone to his ear.)

WISE’S VOICE
This is Wise’s mailbox.
I’m out doing my thing.
Do yours at the beep.
Peace.

(A beep.
SIMON begins to speak, but has no words.
He lowers the phone.
A moment and then—
He throws it into the sea.
FINN has appeared.)

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FINN
Nice toss.

SIMON
Oh. Hi.
Thanks.

FINN
Was that a phone?

SIMON
It was, yeah.

FINN
It pissed you off?

SIMON
Something like that.

FINN
Well, I’m scared of you.
(A shared smile.)
So… what brings you to the sea?

SIMON
I dunno. Just needed to… clear my head.

FINN
Yeah, me too. My sister just had a baby so—

SIMON
Really? That’s… wow! Congratulations—

FINN
Thanks.

SIMON
Boy or girl?

FINN
Girl. She’s… lovely.

SIMON
Do you have pictures?

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FINN
I… don’t have a cell phone.

SIMON
Neither do I.
(beat)
You look… very familiar.

FINN
Do I?

SIMON
You do. Have we… met before?

FINN
Not that I…
I really don’t get out much.

SIMON
Are you from around here?

FINN
No, just moved.
Well, three weeks ago.
But my family used to summer here.

SIMON
Oh. Sure.

FINN
Have you lived here long?

SIMON
My whole life.

FINN
Oh.

SIMON
I mean, I left for college, but my pops got sick
And I came back to make sure he eats
And washes
And sits in the sun.
He died today actually.

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FINN
What?

SIMON
Yeah.

FINN
Shit.

SIMON
Yeah.

(beat)

FINN
I’m…
(beat)
I really don’t have a comeback for that.
I’m so sorry.

SIMON
It’s ok.
You didn’t kill him.
(beat)
That was a joke, by the way.

FINN
Oh.

SIMON
A bit of gallows humor.

FINN
Right.
Funny.
(a longer beat)
My mom died.
Not today.
A while ago.
When I was a kid.
(beat)
I’m afraid I’m starting to forget her.
(beat)
You’re lucky you had your dad as long as you did.
More time to make memories.

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(They look out.)

SIMON
You know I’ve come to this beach for as long as I can remember.
On good days
And bad days
When I was happy
When I was sad
In the rain
In the snow once.
Late at night.
(beat)
There’s something about the sea.
The sea and the stars…

(A moment.
Something changes.
Something seismic and infinitesimal at the same time.
A shift of the tectonic plates or a meteor shower.
A swell of music, perhaps?
FINN and SIMON feel it.
They feel it deeply.)

SIMON (cont’d)
Well, it was nice meeting you…?

(SIMON extends a hand.)

FINN
Oh. Finn.

SIMON
I’m Simon.

FINN
Nice to meet you, Simon.

(They shake.)

SIMON
Are you sure we haven’t met?

FINN
Maybe in another life?

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SIMON
Maybe.
Hey, congrats on the baby. You’re an uncle!

FINN
I know. It’s crazy.
I’m sorry, again. About your dad.

SIMON
Thanks.

FINN
Yeah.

SIMON
Ok. Well… you have a good night.
Maybe I’ll see you around…

FINN
Yeah, maybe…

SIMON
Enjoy the…

(he gestures.)

FINN
I will.

SIMON
And hey, don’t drown, ok?

FINN
What?

SIMON
Joke. Sorry. Another joke!

FINN
Right.
Right.
(FINN laughs as SIMON exits.
And then—)
Ok, I won’t.
I won’t.
(He takes a breath.)

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FINN (cont’d)
Ok.

(OSARO appears on the beach.

He watches FINN watch the sea.
Eventually—)

OSARO
Finn?

FINN
Osaro?

(OSARO smiles.)

OSARO
Hey.

Epilogue

(PAMELA carries a suitcase and wears traveling clothes—

whatever those are.)

PAMELA
Sometimes things are not what they appear to be.
Sometimes a story is a lesson.

MISSUS LLEWELYN
Sometimes a song is a memory.

OSARO
Sometimes silence tells you more than words ever could.

MISTER UMSTEAD
Sometimes you’ve gotta start with something small.

FRANNY
Sometimes a man is just a voice on the other end of the phone.

SIMON
Sometimes we need to be somewhere we don’t want to be.

FINN
Sometimes we nearly drown in pursuit of closeness.

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PAMELA
And sometimes an African Grey parrot isn’t a parrot at all.
(beat)
Sometimes we forget that life goes on.
We should try really hard to remember that it does.
Because

ALL
Why not?

(The lights fade to black.)

END OF PLAY

95