THE ART OF LETTING GO

HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAST, LOOK FORWARD TO

THE FUTURE, AND FINALLY ENJOY THE EMOTIONAL
FREEDOM YOU DESERVE!
DAMON ZAHARIADES
ARTOFPRODUCTIVITY.COM
 CONTENTS

Other Books by Damon Zahariades

Your Free Gift

Notable Quotables about Letting Go
Introduction
What You’ll Learn in the Art of Letting GO
I. The Upside of Letting Go
What Letting Go Means (And What It Doesn't Mean)
How to Know When It’s Time to Let Go
10 Reasons We Should Learn to Let Go
Top 20 Things We Should Let Go
II. The Most Common Reasons We Struggle to Let Go
We Fear the Prospect of Change
We Fear the Loss of Opportunity
We Dread Losing Our "Investment"
We Struggle With Low Self-esteem
We Loathe Admitting We Were Wrong
We Idealize the Thing We’re Hanging on To
Our Self-Identity Is Connected to the Thing We’re Hanging on To
We’re Addicted to Negative Emotions and Thoughts
Our Brains Are Hardwired To Survive
III. 21 Strategies for Letting Go and Moving on with Your Life
Strategy #1: Make the Decision to Let Go
Strategy #2: Identify Your Emotional State
Strategy #3: Find an Outlet for Your Negative Emotions
Strategy #4: Determine Whether Your Needs Are Being Met
Strategy #5: Identify What Gives Your Life Purpose
Strategy #6: Acknowledge Your Emotional Pain
Strategy #7: Look For Important Lessons
Strategy #8: Recognize That Your Ideal Self Is a Mirage
Strategy #9: Surrender Your Pride
Strategy #10: Acknowledge the Debilitating Effects of Guilt and Shame
Strategy #11: Disregard What Others Think of You
Strategy #12: Stop Trying to Make Everyone Else Happy
Strategy #13: Stop Trying to Make YOURSELF Happy
Strategy #14: Scrutinize How You Make Decisions
Strategy #15: Diagnose Why You’re Feeling Lazy
Strategy #16: Practice Gratitude
 Strategy #17: Assume Responsibility for Lingering Problems
Strategy #18: Embrace Your Lack of Control
Strategy #19: Stop Keeping Score in Relationships
Strategy #20: Stop Making Unnecessary Commitments
Strategy #21: Learn to Forgive Yourself and Others
Bonus Strategy #1: Develop "Emotional Diversity"
Bonus Strategy #2: Manage Your Emotional Investment in Expected Outcomes
Bonus Strategy #3: Question the Accuracy of Your Personal Narratives
Final Thoughts on the Art of Letting GO
Did You Enjoy Reading The Art of Letting GO?

About the Author

Other Books by Damon Zahariades
 OTHER BOOKS BY DAMON ZAHARIADES

How to Make Better Decisions

14 proven tactics to overcome indecision, consistently make smart choices, and create a rewarding
life in the process!

The Mental Toughness Handbook

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The Art Of Saying NO

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The Procrastination Cure

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skyrocket your productivity!

The 30-Day Productivity Plan

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management woes!

The 30-Day Productivity Plan - VOLUME II

30 MORE bad habits that are sabotaging your time management - and how to overcome them one
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The Time Chunking Method

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easy 10-step system.

80/20 Your Life!

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The Joy Of Imperfection

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The P.R.I.M.E.R. Goal Setting Method

An elegant 6-step system for achieving extraordinary results in every area of your life!

Digital Detox
Disconnect to reconnect. Discover how to unplug and enjoy a more mindful, meaningful, and
rewarding life!

For a complete list, please visit

http://artofproductivity.com/my-books/
 YOUR FREE GIFT

I ’d like to give you a gift as my way of saying thanks for purchasing this
book. It’s my 40-page PDF action guide titled Catapult Your
Productivity! The Top 10 Habits You Must Develop to Get More Things
Done.
It’s short enough to read quickly, but meaty enough to offer actionable
advice that can make a real difference in your life.
You can get immediate access to Catapult Your Productivity by clicking
the link below and joining my mailing list:

http://artofproductivity.com/free-gift/
 In the following pages, we’ll venture together down the long,
sometimes bumpy, but ultimately rewarding road toward achieving
emotional freedom. We’ll gently examine the painful memories,
resentments, disappointments, and regrets that burden you. To aid us in this
process, I’ll introduce you to a collection of tools that I’ve found to be
helpful.
Onward.
NOTABLE QUOTABLES ABOUT LETTING GO

Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it

is letting go.
— HERMANN HESSE

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself,
unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the
situation is over, you cannot move forward.
— STEVE MARABOLI

Life moves on and so should we.

— SPENCER JOHNSON
 INTRODUCTION

M ost of us are saddled with negative thoughts and emotions. Some of

these stem from painful memories due to deeply-felt personal
losses. Others arise from agonizing disappointments resulting from
false expectations and shattered dreams. Still others flow from anger,
resentment, and frustration caused by stresses and crises that batter us each
day.
We carry these negative thoughts and emotions with us. As long as we
do so, they impact our attitude, health, and relationships. They hamper us
from doing our best work. They prevent us from making the best use of our
time and attentional resources.
They serve as mental obstacles, perverting our perspective, impeding
our productivity, and ultimately diminishing our quality of life.
Once we decouple ourself from the frustrations, regrets, and painful
memories that burden us, we experience emotional freedom. It manifests in
our behaviors, decisions, and level of self-awareness. It shows in our
relationships with loved ones, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. It reveals
itself in the quality of our work and the satisfaction we feel from having
completed the work.
Once we let go of our bleak, defeatist headspace, it can no longer hold
us back. Letting it go releases us to focus on the important things that truly
matter to us.
But how exactly do we let things go?
 Too often, “letting go” is presented as an overly-simplistic, worthless
catchphrase that advocates living happily in the absence of stress. That’s
unhelpful. It’s akin to telling a stressed-out person to “stop worrying.”
In this book, we’ll journey together through a step-by-step process
designed to train you to let things go. You’ll learn to adopt a mindset of
non-attachment. The idea of non-attachment is often understood to mean
abandoning material possessions. That’s not our focus. Instead, we’ll pursue
non-attachment as it relates to the grievances, bitterness, and other
psychological burdens that live rent-free in our minds. I’ll share numerous
strategies and techniques that have worked for me over the years. Each one
will be accompanied by a simple exercise you can use to reinforce it.
Another important question: how do we identify negative thoughts and
emotions?
We sometimes harbor and entertain them for so long that they become a
part of our identity. At that point, they become extremely difficult for us to
recognize. We believe we’ve moved past our anger, regrets, and emotional
pain, but instead they’ve burrowed so deeply into our state of mind that
they’re a repressed part of our mental landscape.
In the sections that follow, we’ll resolve this issue, as well. You’ll learn
how to know when you’re holding on to negative thoughts and emotions.
You’ll discover how to quickly identify them no matter how deeply they’ve
burrowed into your mindset, attitude, and worldview. Once you’ve
identified them, you can use the techniques we’ll cover to get rid of them.
The Art of Letting GO is not a contemplative discussion. Rather, it’s an
actionable blueprint for overcoming the mental and emotional obstacles that
are currently holding you back. We’ll focus on techniques and strategies
that produce quick, reliable results.
It’s my sincere hope that this book will give you the tools you need to
finally let go and experience the mental, emotional, physical, and even
spiritual freedom that comes from adopting a mindset of non-attachment.

Damon Zahariades
Art of Productivity
March 2022
 WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THE ART OF LETTING
GO

T he Art of Letting GO is a self-contained course. Part tutorial and part

personal workshop, it will take you step by step through the entire
process of becoming emotionally free by adopting a non-attachment
mentality.
Many books address this topic by doing a deep dive into psychology.
That’s a good approach, and I’m certain it’s beneficial for a particular type
of reader. This book takes a different approach. We cover the material from
a practical perspective, ensuring that it’s easily accessible and immediately
actionable.
Because there’s a lot to cover, it’s helpful to have a bird’s-eye view of
the material. To that end, here’s a quick breakdown of what you’ll find in
The Art of Letting GO:
Part I
Before we can make serious progress toward letting go of the negative
emotions, painful memories, frustrations, and regrets that burden us, we
need to lay a foundation. In Part I: The Upside of Letting Go, we’ll build
that foundation.
We’ll discuss what it actually means to let go of things. We’ll also
investigate the signs that suggest we’re holding on to something that is
harming our emotional health. We’ll take a closer look at the advantages of
abandoning our regrets, anger, and pain, and replacing them with self-
compassion and empathy. We’ll also examine the most common things
people tend to hold on to despite the attendant emotional cost.
Finally, we’ll explore how our minds resist letting things go.
Part II
Letting go isn’t easy. If it were, there would be no need for this book.
Unfortunately, most of us struggle with years of conditioning that “train” us
to hold on to things.
In Part II: The Most Common Reasons We Struggle to Let Go, we’ll
scrutinize the most significant elements of this conditioning. We’ll lay them
bare so we can fully appreciate why it’s so difficult to let things go, from
the past and the present.
Understanding why we struggle to let things go is a necessary step
toward reconditioning our minds. It’s a crucial component to the process of
slowly embracing an attitude of non-attachment.
Part III
This is where you’ll learn the techniques for letting go of the negative
thoughts, emotions, disappointments, anger, and self-recrimination that are
currently holding you back. In Part III: 21 Strategies for Letting Go and
Moving on with Your Life, we’ll cover dozens of tools you can put to
immediate use.
This part of the book is filled with practical, use-it-now tools, tips, and
advice. Each section is short, simple, and actionable.
It’s natural to want to speed through this material. After all, it’s highly
applicable and promises quick results. However, I encourage you to adopt a
measured pace, one that gives you plenty of time to fully learn each
technique before moving to the next one. In my experience, that’s the most
effective path toward countering a preconditioned mindset and replacing it
with a new, healthier one.
The Road Forward
As you can see, we have a lot to cover. But don’t worry. Each section of
The Art of Letting GO is tightly written. Each moves quickly, delivering its
core advice in as little time as possible.
Allow me to make one suggestion: please take the time to perform the
exercises you’ll find in Part III. Each is designed to reinforce the concepts
introduced and discussed in its section.
The exercises won’t take long to perform. All of them are simple and
most can be completed in 20 minutes or less. Most importantly, performing
them gives you an opportunity to apply the techniques rather than merely
reading about them. In the end, they’ll help you to enjoy maximum value
from The Art of Letting GO.
If you’re ready to commit to pursuing true mental and emotional
freedom by letting go of regrets, resentments, grudges, and guilt, let’s roll
up our sleeves and take the next step.
PART I
 THE UPSIDE OF LETTING GO

Regret is an inescapable part of life. We make mistakes. We make poor

decisions. We experience consequential, meaningful losses, many of which
we believe to have been avoidable.
But regret isn’t without value. It serves a purpose. It teaches us lessons,
helping us to avoid repeating the same mistakes and poor decisions. If we
allow regret to fester, however, reliving our past blunders and choices over
and over, it becomes an emotional obstacle. We end up creating a false
narrative in our heads. This narrative tries to convince us that we’re
incapable of making good decisions and therefore undeserving of the things
we desire.
At this point, we feel stuck. Disappointed. Frustrated. Stressed. And
worst of all, we feel this predicament is entirely our fault and that we lack
the ability to make positive changes. We feel impotent.
The upside of letting go is that we can shed these feelings, reclaim our
agency, and finally pursue our interests and desires free of needless
emotional guilt and self-reproach. We can move forward with the
expectation that good things can happen for us, and importantly that
outcomes are largely in our control.
 Of course, shedding our frustrations, disappointments, anxieties, and
feelings of self-recrimination is easier said than done. They’re usually
deeply rooted in these five areas of life:

1. our relationships (with family members, friends, and spouses)

2. our health (physical and mental)
3. our personal development (educational, emotional, and spiritual)
4. our careers or business ventures
5. financial concerns

In the next few chapters, we’ll build the foundation of adopting a non-
attachment ethos. This new mindset will positively affect each of the above
areas. You’ll learn how to know for certain when you need to let something
go, why you should immediately do so, and experience the rewards that are
yours for the taking.
 WHAT LETTING GO MEANS (AND WHAT IT
DOESN'T MEAN)

There’s an important difference between giving up and letting

go.”
— JESSICA HATCHIGAN

W e hold on to things because they’re important to us. When

circumstances involving them change, we have difficulty making
adjustments. Emotionally, we’re unable to accept the new state of
affairs.
For example, suppose your actions in the workplace cause you to lose
your job. If being employed is part of your identity, it may be difficult to
accept being fired. It’s understandable to feel anger, disappointment, and
even self-reproach if you regret your actions.
Or imagine that you and your spouse decide to divorce. If your marriage
is important to you, its dissolution may be hard to come to grips with.
Again, anger, disappointment, and regret are likely to bubble to the surface.
As long as they remain there, you’ll struggle to adjust.
Ideally, we would be able to confront these negative emotions, manage
them in a healthy manner, and eventually move on with our life. For
example, we’d get a new job. Or we’d meet someone new who becomes
significant to us.
 Too often, however, we cling emotionally to our past circumstances. We
refuse to move on because we feel we can effect change that allows us to
reclaim them. This is the bargaining stage of grief. It’s natural, but also
detrimental to our ability to move forward. It gives us a fallacious sense of
control.
Letting go begins with accepting our new circumstances. Rather than
clinging to a past we desperately want to reclaim, we embrace reality. We
commit to no longer dwell on the past. We detach ourself from
circumstances over which we have minimal influence.
For example, we accept that we’ve lost our job due to our own actions.
We come to grips with the fact that our marriage has ended. And
importantly, we recognize our inability to change these events. We
transition from the bargaining stage of grief, where these events seem
wrong to us, to the acceptance stage, where the pain of regret and
disappointment can finally dissipate.
What Letting Go Doesn’t Mean
Letting go is sometimes misunderstood as the avoidance of emotional
discomfort. Rather than dealing with negative thoughts and emotions,
they’re jettisoned. This is a dangerous, unhealthy mindset to adopt because
it leads to a perpetual state of apathy. By avoiding emotional discomfort, we
end up embracing an attitude of indifference and even callousness.
We do so to protect ourself from stress, sadness, and emotional pain.
Unfortunately, this frame of mind does more harm than good. We end up
abandoning the opportunity to acknowledge these legitimate feelings and
deal with them in a healthy manner.
The proper way to let go involves recognizing our negative thoughts
and emotions, determining why we’re experiencing them, and moving from
the denial and bargaining stages to the acceptance stage of grief. Two
important things happen during this process.
First, we develop emotional resilience. We learn to manage our
emotions rather than suppress and avoid them.
Second, we adopt a mindset of non-attachment to the past. We
acknowledge our feelings, investigate them, and ultimately give ourself
permission to let them go, accepting our new circumstances. We recognize
that attachment to the past is unhealthy, and resolve our emotional
discomfort rather than simply pushing it away.
If we truly wish to let go of painful memories, regrets, frustrations, and
general unhappiness, we must confront these feelings head on. I’ll share
with you techniques that work in Part III.
 HOW TO KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO LET GO

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs

of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much
more strength to know when to let go and then do it.
— ANN LANDERS

O ur mind has the ability to conceal our emotional state. This ability is
simultaneously a strength and weakness. In the beginning, it serves
as a form of protection. If we’re unaware of our emotional state, we
can avoid feelings of angst and frustration as well as threats to our self-
image.
Unfortunately, this avoidance quickly aggravates our emotional state.
We remain unaware of how we feel, and thus fail to confront the negative
thoughts that cause us stress and misery. If we fail to confront them, we are
unable to properly manage them.
For this reason, it’s important that we’re able to recognize when
negative emotions, and the circumstances from which they stem, are
holding us back. Only then can we deal with them in a healthy manner and
finally let them go.
With this in mind, here are several signs that suggest you’re holding on
to something that is negatively affecting your state of mind. If you
experience any of them, it’s important to investigate the reason. Ask
yourself “what am I holding on to that is causing me to feel this way?”
You feel perpetually frustrated
The frustration may not be overt. It might be an undercurrent that bubbles
just beneath the surface of your public guise throughout your day.
This feeling usually stems from a sense of helplessness. You feel unable
to change the circumstances that trouble you. It can give rise to a host of
other upsetting feelings, such as guilt, anxiety, and sadness.
You spend significant time agonizing about a particular incident
It’s one thing to think about the past, recalling significant memories (recent
or long passed). It’s another thing entirely to dwell on a single memory that
causes us emotional pain and unhappiness. Examples can include losing
your job, getting divorced, or making a regrettable decision.
Our past contributes to our identity. It gives us a broader scope through
which to view our current circumstances. It can also serve as a tool that
helps us to solve problems and manage our emotions.
But sometimes we fixate on an unpleasant incident. It becomes
distressing to us, which ironically causes us to become even more
preoccupied by it. This single memory eventually dominates our attention.
You find yourself wallowing in self-pity
Self-pity can stem from a variety of internal and external factors. Examples
include a relationship that has deteriorated, unfair treatment from our boss,
an incident that causes us to feel victimized, or a goal that constantly seems
out of our reach.
As with feelings of frustration, self-pity arises when we believe we’re
unable to control or influence a particular situation. We feel sorry for
ourself because we feel we lack agency.
You continue to rationalize a decision or action despite evidence
showing it was unwise
One of the ways we hold on to things that cause negative emotions to fester
is to justify our decisions and actions, even when they prove to be reckless
or imprudent.
For example, we might defend our decision to stay with a spouse who
cheated on us despite the “salvaged” relationship making us feel miserable.
We may rationalize assaulting someone who insulted us despite the fact that
we now feel ashamed and embarrassed.
The effort to justify our decisions and actions springs from our ego. And
that’s a clear sign that we should evaluate our emotions surrounding the
situation in question.
You feel emotionally drained
This feeling is a difficult one to recognize and assess. Emotional exhaustion
occurs slowly. And because of its gradual escalation, it often goes unnoticed
and therefore unmanaged.
It’s akin to the proverbial frog that is placed in a pot of tepid water. If
the temperature of the water is slowly increased to the boiling point, the
frog will fail to perceive the danger. It will remain in the pot until it expires.
Emotional exhaustion is often misattributed to the daily stressors of our
personal or work life — for example, our commute to the office or caring
for a child who is throwing a tantrum. In reality, it often stems from stress,
anxiety, and regret over a past circumstance that we’re holding on to.
You can’t remember the last time you felt happy
Chronic unhappiness doesn’t stem from life’s daily stressors. And while
unhappiness can arise from being glued to social media, constantly
acquiring material goods, and lack of socialization, these too rarely lead to
chronic unhappiness.
If you cannot recall the last time you were happy, you may be clinging
to a painful memory, deeply-felt loss, or regrettable and consequential
decision made with false expectations. Your attention might be consumed
by it to the point that it has obfuscated the small joys normally experienced
during the course of a given day.
This feeling, if allowed to continue unaddressed, can open the door to
depression and lead to emotional and social isolation.
What To Do When You Notice The Signs
It’s important to examine why you’re experiencing the negative emotions
and feelings described above. The more quickly you do so, the better. If you
allow them to remain unexamined, they’ll continue to expand, preventing
you from enjoying the emotional freedom that comes with letting things go.
In Part III, we’ll explore numerous techniques that will help you to
experience this freedom. But we have a bit more ground to cover in the next
few sections to build a reliable foundation on which these techniques will
stand.
 10 REASONS WE SHOULD LEARN TO LET GO

When we give ourselves the chance to let go of all our tension,

the body’s natural capacity to heal itself can begin to work.
— THICH NHAT HANH

W e’ve touched upon the emotional freedom you’ll experience when

you let things go and adopt a non-attachment mindset. But let’s dig
more deeply. Let’s take stock of the complete range of benefits
you’ll enjoy so you’ll have a full appreciation for what’s truly at stake.
#1 - Personal Growth
When we fixate on something, we devote our attentional resources to it.
These resources are monopolized by whatever has caused us pain, anger, or
disappointment in the past (or present).
When we let go of a painful or unpleasant memory, we free up these
resources. This allows us to put them to use in pursuit of becoming a better
version of ourself in every way.
#2 - Improved Mental Health
Clinging to painful memories puts significant strain on our confidence, self-
esteem, and mental resilience. It slowly wears us down and can even set the
stage for depression.
When we let them go, we remove this mental pressure. As a result, our
confidence grows, our self-esteem strengthens, and we begin to rebuild our
resilience against life’s stressors.
#3 - Improved Physical Health
Remaining emotionally attached to past regrets, judgments, and even
personal grudges puts significant strain on our bodies, as well. It raises our
stress levels, increases our blood pressure, and can even impair our ability
to sleep soundly.
When we detach ourself from the past, we alleviate this physical
pressure. Doing so allows our bodies to remain healthy, free of the
unnecessary stress that burdened it.
#4 - Better Relationships
It’s difficult to enjoy healthy relationships when we obsess over painful
memories. The obsession hampers our ability to appreciate ourself.
Moreover, it prevents us from truly appreciating others. As noted above, our
attentional resources are monopolized by whatever has caused us pain.
Letting go frees us to focus on caring for ourself and others. We become
more emotionally present, which helps us to become a better friend, spouse,
and even coworker.
#5 - Less Focus On Pleasing Others
Our mental anguish often involves our decisions and actions that have
displeased other people. These decisions and actions may have caused
personal grudges, anger, and feelings of resentment.
When we let go of the past, we give ourself permission to no longer
focus on pleasing others. Instead, we can focus on making decisions that
prioritize our own needs and make the best use of the resources at our
disposal.
#6 - Greater Courage
The more we fixate on our regrettable decisions and actions, the more
fearful we become about repeating them. This fear can build to the point
that we become unable to make even small decisions or take small steps
forward.
When we stop obsessing over our past mistakes, we can begin to
reasonably evaluate their consequences. In most cases, these consequences
are far less significant than we had imagined. Recognizing this fact
emboldens us to take action in the future.
#7 - Improved Adaptability
When we cling to a painful past, we become mentally stuck in that past.
Unrealized goals, failed relationships, and previous losses and frustrations
dominate our headspace. This makes it difficult for us to accept and adapt to
changes in the present.
When we let go, we become more receptive to change. We become
more adaptable. This benefits us as changes in our circumstances are often
the precursor to personal growth and happiness.
#8 - Greater Appreciation For Daily Joys
Fixating on the past prevents us from enjoying the present. The small,
joyful experiences that happen during the course of each day escape our
notice. We miss opportunities to share a laugh with friends, to enjoy a short
walk outdoors, and to lose ourself for a short time in a captivating novel.
Letting go frees us to appreciate these tiny pleasures. Because we’re no
longer fixated on painful memories and frustrations, we can savor the small
delights and little rewarding moments of happiness we once neglected.
#9 - More Empathy for Others
When we’re preoccupied by our own pain, loss, and regret, we’re unable to
fully empathize with others’ pain, loss, and regret. The more we obsess over
our own pain, the less we can understand and sympathize with the pain of
our friends, loved ones, and coworkers.
When we commit to letting go, we free ourself to relate to others’
emotions. We become more able to appreciate their perspectives and
understand their feelings. This helps us to feel more connected to those
around us. We become better able to celebrate their triumphs and offer
encouragement when they feel defeated.
#10 - Emotional Independence
Clinging to a painful past prevents us from finding joy in ourself. We begin
to look externally for even a modicum of happiness. We can even become
dependent on others to fuel our interests, reinforce our self-esteem, and
provide mental stimulation.
When we let go of the past, we give ourself the freedom to recognize
ourself as being in control of our personal happiness. We accept that we
don’t need to rely on others to feel positive about ourself and our
circumstances.
The Hard Work of Letting Go
As you can see, there’s a lot at stake. It’s not an exaggeration to say our
present and future happiness depends on our commitment to let go of the
regrets, disappointments, grievances, and anger that are holding us back.
Letting go isn’t easy. As I mentioned, if it were, there would be no need
for this book. But doing so is possible, regardless of your circumstances or
your past.
While everyone has a unique past with distinctive emotional pains and
anxieties, we share many common stressors. At least on a surface level, we
hold on to many of the same things. In the following section, we’ll quickly
examine the most common things people obsess over that ultimately hold
them back. Fair warning: you may recognize a few in your own daily
struggles.
 TOP 20 THINGS WE SHOULD LET GO

To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and

fears, the clingings and disappointments of the past that bind
our spirit.
— JACK KORNFIELD

H olding on to painful memories isolates us from others. Even when

our friends and loved ones recognize our pain and try to help, our
emotional suffering seems like it must remain a solitary affair. That
leads to loneliness and despair. Left unresolved, the isolation we experience
grows to the point that we feel no one can relate to our pain.
In reality, people agonize over many of the same aspects of life. We
hold on to painful memories surrounding similar circumstances. We cling to
negative emotions involving similar regrets, losses, and disappointments.
There’s solace in recognizing that others have experienced — and are
currently experiencing — distressing feelings and situations that are similar
to our own.
With that in mind, here are the top 20 things people anguish over. These
are the issues that monopolize their thoughts, batter their optimism, and rob
them of joy. These are the things that routinely prevent people from
enjoying true happiness and emotional freedom.
 What follows isn’t an exhaustive list. Not even close. But it does
comprise many of the universal sources of emotional suffering over which
we have limited control. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself nodding
and thinking “Oh, that’s definitely me.”
#1 - Failed relationships
Failed relationships are difficult to get over, even if we try to convince
ourself otherwise. We naturally mull over them and scrutinize the reasons
they broke down. We often blame ourself, even if we did everything
possible to save them.
It’s natural to feel attached to broken relationships, at least for awhile.
But eventually, we must find a way to let them go in order to move on with
our life.
#2 - Toxic relationships
Toxic relationships seem like they should be easy to let go. After all, they
cause us stress and anxiety, and there’s a marked absence of respect and
trust. Yet these relationships are often the most difficult to walk away from.
The partners become emotionally dependent on one another, encouraging
each other to stay despite their mutual misery.
It’s impossible to experience emotional freedom while mired in toxic
relationships. The longer we tolerate them, the longer we rob ourself of the
opportunity to find healthier relationships and the happiness that
accompanies them.
#3 - Jealousy
Jealousy springs from feelings of insecurity and envy. We feel insecure
about the possibility of losing something we currently enjoy in our life. Or
we envy others’ good fortune.
Most people think of jealousy in the context of relationships, but it can
also involve our careers, possessions, and others’ circumstances. Left
untamed, it often develops into feelings of resentment, inadequacy, and
even shame, all of which harm our self-esteem.
#4 - Past failures
We tend to internalize our failures. Failed relationships, business ventures,
investments, competitions, tests, and interviews stay with us. We agonize
over things we could have done differently to produce better results.
Reviewing our failures is healthy. It allows us to avoid repeating
mistakes. But when we obsess over them and are unable to make peace with
them, we invite feelings of self-condemnation. This usually leads to guilt
and shame, and eventually we question our efficacy.
#5 - Past regrets
Feelings of regret stem from choices we believe we made poorly. For
example, we married the wrong person, purchased a house in a bad
location, or picked the wrong major in college. We hold on to these regrets
because we believe that our life would be markedly better if only we had
made different decisions.
But the past cannot be changed. Regrets over past choices become
emotional baggage and eventually a part of our identity. They cause us to
doubt our competency, negatively impacting our self-esteem.
#6 - Past misfortunes
All of us experience misfortune. We lose our job, suffer a debilitating health
condition, or become involved in a serious traffic accident. We get mugged,
our vehicle is vandalized, or our home is burgled. When such events occur,
it’s natural to feel sorry for ourself. We may even wonder “Why do these
things always happen to me?”
While this can be cathartic, it can also open the door to feelings of
hopelessness. Unless we decide to let go of our misfortunes, we begin to
perceive ourself as a victim of bad luck. Once we identify as a victim, we
lose our sense of personal agency.
#7 - Unachieved goals
It’s easy to get emotionally attached to our goals and aspirations. We begin
to visualize achieving them. We imagine the sense of accomplishment and
satisfaction we’ll experience as a result. But this attachment is a double-
edged sword. When we fail to realize our goals, we feel frustrated,
disappointed, and ineffectual.
Failed goals can serve as powerful lessons. We learn about our strengths
and shortcomings. We find out whether our goals were realistic. We learn
how to improve our focus and execution. But we risk missing these lessons
entirely if we’re unable to emotionally detach from our failed outcomes.
#8 - Judgments of others
None of us enjoys being judged by others. We dread the possibility that our
friends, loved ones, coworkers, and even strangers might consider us to be
lazy, stupid, crazy, or useless. This dread, if we allow it to persist, can
eventually cause us to fear and avoid making substantive decisions or
taking significant action. We attempt to protect ourself by refusing to decide
or act.
When we fixate on others’ perceptions of us, we implicitly allow them
to make our decisions for us. Our life is no longer our own. And our
emotional health becomes dependent on what others think of us.
#9 - Others' grudges and disdain
We naturally want other people to respect us. But we’re almost certain to
cause some to feel bitterness and resentment toward us. Such feelings
develop when people believe they’ve been wronged by us in some way,
even if our doing so was unintentional.
Because we feel a sense of unease when someone is upset with us,
grudges trouble us. We want to rectify things. This is, of course, a noble and
worthwhile endeavor. But we can only exert limited influence. We can
explain ourself. We can apologize. We can ask for forgiveness. But if
someone’s grudge cannot be remedied, we must let it go to protect our
mental and emotional health.
#10 - Control over everything
We want to be in the driver’s seat. We like to believe that we’re the author
of our circumstances. Exerting control gives us confidence that outcomes
are a result of our influence.
The problem is, external events usually lie outside our influence.
Control over them is largely an illusion. The biggest problem is,
maintaining this illusion is mentally exhausting. When we surrender our
desire to control everything around us, we become more inclined to accept
unfavorable circumstances. We also develop the ability to adapt and
respond to such circumstances in an emotionally healthy manner.
#11 - The expectation to be happy all the time
Most of us want to be happy. Happy with our spouses. Happy with our
careers. Happy with our current state in life. But it’s important to recognize
that we can’t be happy all the time. Continual happiness is a mirage because
suffering is a part of life. We suffer stress, misfortune, hardship, and often
both emotional and physical pain.
When we let go of the expectation to feel happy all the time, two
important things happen. First, we become more willing to acknowledge
our unhappiness. This is an important step toward figuring out — and either
resolving or accepting — the things that bother us.
Second, we become less inclined to negatively compare ourself to
others. As we start to appreciate the authenticity of our own emotional state,
we begin to realize that everyone experiences unhappiness. We accept that
others’ appearance of happiness is often just a facade. Rather than envying
them, we become better able to empathize and connect with them.
#12 - Anger
We feel angry when we’re mistreated, threatened, ridiculed, invalidated, or
shown contempt. While our anger may be justified, it’s exhausting to hold
on to. It takes a lot of energy to remain angry.
So why do we do it? Staying angry means we don’t have to admit we’re
feeling emotionally wounded. It also gives us a sense of control as only we
can decide when to stop being angry. And sometimes, the anger becomes
part of our identity. We begin to use it as a tool to influence others.
When we let go of anger, we experience healthier relationships, less
stress, and better mental and physical health. And we become better able to
express our feelings to others in a constructive manner.
#13 - Shame
Shame stems from our perceived failure to measure up to an ideal image of
ourself. For example, we behave in a way that we know to be inappropriate
and feel embarrassed as a result. Or we make a terrible decision, one that
we knew from the outset to be terrible, and feel regretful. Or we do
something that we know is reprehensible and consequently experience
remorse.
We hold on to shame when we avoid dealing with it. We avoid
confronting the reasons we feel ashamed, and therefore never take the time
to forgive ourself.
Letting go of our shame allows us to accept that we’re imperfect and
make mistakes. It also helps us to be more present in our current
circumstances rather than trapped emotionally in the past. And it gives us
an opportunity to challenge our assumptions regarding what constitutes a
legitimate reason to feel shame in the first place.
#14 - Others' opinions
Many opinions are beneficial to us. Some provide useful and constructive
feedback. Others offer insight we would otherwise overlook. These points
of view can improve our performance, boost our creativity, and help us to
recognize personal deficits and situational roadblocks.
But it’s possible to become so reliant on others’ opinions that we
become unable to act on our own. Immobilized by fear, we seek validation
from others for every decision and action.
When we let go of others’ opinions, we begin to experience greater
confidence in our own efficacy. We also enjoy the satisfaction and
happiness that accompanies self-validation.
#15 - Unflattering comparisons to other people
It’s natural to compare ourself to other people. Such comparisons provide
helpful feedback regarding what we want to achieve. We recognize others’
success in an area of life that interests us and can model their decisions and
actions to achieve similar results.
The problem lies in comparing ourself in ways that make us feel jealous
and resentful. If we feel we lack the power to achieve the same success we
see in others, we end up feeling inadequate and depressed. For example,
imagine that someone on Instagram constantly posts pictures of themselves
in exotic locales while we’re stuck at home. This makes us feel envious and
inferior.
Letting go of these unflattering comparisons frees us from the emotional
pain that stems from feeling ineffectual. When we stop caring that other
people live better lives (often an illusion in and of itself), we start to
appreciate the aspects of our own life that truly matter to us.
#16 - Perfectionism
The obsession to be perfect can stem from a variety of sources. For
example, some of us fixate on it as a way to maintain control in the face of
uncertainty. Others pursue it as a means to avoid criticism, blame, and
judgment from other people. And still others try to be perfect in response to
their own internal feelings of inadequacy.
Whatever its origin, perfectionism always leads to our dissatisfaction. If
we believe that being perfect is the only way we’ll be happy, we guarantee
our perpetual unhappiness.
When we stop trying to be perfect, we experience less anxiety, enjoy
more creativity, and become more inclined to take purposeful, calculated
risks. And importantly, we free ourself from the emotional burden of
constantly striving for others’ approval.
#17 - Circumstances you can't change
Once something happens to us, it becomes a part of our past. We cannot
change the fact that it happened. We may be able to minimize the
aftereffects, but we’re unable to undo the original incident. Fixating on such
events with regret and anger only causes us to hold on to negative emotions
regarding them.
Modern stoics practice something they call the “art of acquiescence.”
It’s the acknowledgement that many things lie outside our control and
therefore it’s better to let them go and move on. They believe this to be the
simplest, easiest way to adapt to change.
#18 - Fear of failure
The fear of failure often springs from the same reasons as the pursuit of
perfectionism. We entertain this fear because we don’t want to let others
down. We want to avoid feelings of shame and embarrassment. We don’t
want our friends, loved ones, and coworkers to think poorly of us.
As you might imagine (or even relate to), this fear immobilizes us. It
makes us reluctant to take risks and try new things. This prevents us from
enjoying many of the wonderful experiences life offers us.
When we let go of our fear of failure, we become more willing to step
outside our comfort zone. Our confidence and self-esteem improve as we
take leaps of faith based on the belief that failing doesn’t mean disaster.
Conversely, our failures often pave the road toward personal growth and
self-improvement.
#19 - Others' choices, behaviors, and worldviews
All of us have opinions, and all of us believe we arrived at these opinions
through a well-reasoned thought process. We’re convinced the facts support
our opinions, and thus anyone who harbors conflicting opinions must be
wrong. This is a universal attitude. Nearly everyone feels this way.
Problems arise when we allow ourself to become agitated by others’
opinions. It’s not enough that we feel we’re right; we must convince other
people that we’re right. And so we spend time each day arguing about
everything from politics and cultural norms to the economy and whether
scrambled eggs should be eaten alone or with ketchup.
Needless to say, this constant bickering can be emotionally exhausting.
Moreover, it’s rarely rewarding. Letting go of our need to convince others
that we’re right (in effect, trying to change them) benefits us in several
meaningful ways. We begin to prioritize our relationships and improve our
connections with other people. We waste less time and energy. And we
become more receptive to the possibility that we may be wrong. This, of
course, helps us to grow.
#20 - Catastrophic thinking
Some of us fall into a pattern of believing the worst will happen. Not only is
this expectation unreasonable, but these worst-case scenarios are often
unrealistic. For example, a failed job interview turns into “I’ll never get a
job in this industry.” A failed relationship causes us to think “I’ll be alone
for the rest of my life.” A child who misses a curfew prompts a
catastrophizing parent to fear “My child must have been terribly injured in a
traffic accident.”
Catastrophic thinking stems from a feeling of helplessness. We feel we
lack control and influence, and are therefore incapable of resolving issues.
So every issue becomes a potential catastrophe, triggering our worst fears.
When we let go of catastrophic thinking, we experience less panic and
anxiety. At the same time, our outlook and expectations regarding
circumstances that lie beyond our control become more reasonable. This
allows us to make better decisions, take more risks, and ultimately enjoy
more opportunities with our friends, families, and coworkers.

T HIS CHAPTER WAS A LONG ONE . In fact, it’s the longest one you’ll find in
The Art of Letting GO. The upside is that we now have a firm grasp
regarding what’s at stake. If we can find a way to let go of the 20 things we
covered above, our emotional health will improve dramatically.
Keep in mind, we merely scratched the surface in this chapter. There are
a myriad of things we should let go, and each of us undoubtedly struggles
with unique issues. The good news is, the techniques you’ll learn in Part III
offer universal applicability. You’ll be able to use them to resolve nearly
any type of emotional pain or distress.
Before we get to the tools and strategies in Part III, let’s explore some
of the common reasons we have difficulty letting things go.
PART II
 THE MOST COMMON REASONS WE
STRUGGLE TO LET GO

Deciding to let go of the past is easy. Committing ourself to moving on

from our painful memories and negative emotions is simple.
But actually doing so is the difficult part.
If a past incident, failed relationship, regrettable decision, or personal
grudge bothers us to the point that we obsess over it, our fixation means we
consider it important. It doesn’t matter whether it truly is important to us.
We believe it to be so. This conviction makes it difficult to let go, no matter
how emotionally taxing it is to cling to it.
There are numerous reasons why we resist letting go of the thoughts,
emotions, and memories that cause us emotional stress. In this short section,
we’ll explore those that have the strongest influence on us. You’ll recognize
some of them immediately. They may even be the cause of your current
struggle to let go of a particular issue or grievance. Other reasons may be
unfamiliar, and even seem peculiar to you. But you might discover after
learning more about them that they too are contributing to your struggle.
Once we recognize why our mind resists letting go, we can start the hard
(but ultimately rewarding) work of breaking down this resistance. And
that’s the point at which we can truly begin to abandon our emotional
fixation on the past, along with all the pain, stress, and anguish that
accompanies it.
Fair warning: we’re going to move quickly through this section. We
want to gain a full appreciation of why the mind clings to the painful past
without getting bogged down in the process. So grab your favorite beverage
and get comfortable. I think you’ll find the following pages to be both
illuminating and sobering.
 WE FEAR THE PROSPECT OF CHANGE

If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t

really living.
— ANATOLE FRANCE

C hange is scary. When we’re confronted with it, we fear the

uncertainty that accompanies it. Our mind immediately begins to ask
questions from a place of concern and anxiety…

What will this change mean to my life?

What do I stand to lose as a result?
Will I be able to adjust to the new circumstances?
Will I lose control of any aspect of my life?
Will I be forced to take on more responsibilities?
Will this change increase the likelihood of my failure?
Will the new circumstances highlight my deficits and
shortcomings?

And so our mind begins to resist. Rather than embrace change, we try to
repel it. We prefer the status quo, even if the status quo is a state of misery
for us. We’re familiar with this state. Although we’re unhappy, we fool
ourself into thinking we can continue to tolerate it.
 When we decide to let go of something, we open ourself to the
possibility of living without it. While this change is liberating, we still fear
the uncertainty that accompanies it. After all, we’ve held on to this pain for
a long time. We identify with it. It makes us unhappy, but it’s familiar to us.
Abandoning it is new and scary.
Relinquishing the past encourages us to face this fear. Although doing
so makes us feel vulnerable, it’s a crucial step toward detaching ourself
from the upsetting memories and distressing emotions that burden us.
When we’re able to embrace the prospect of change, we can start
whittling away at our natural resistance to it. That’s when we know we’re
finally ready to surrender the thing that’s been holding us back.
Furthermore, something amazing happens as we continue to embrace
change: our confidence grows. Rather than dreading the uncertainty that
accompanies change, we start to believe that we can adapt to it. As a result,
letting go becomes progressively easier.
 WE FEAR THE LOSS OF OPPORTUNITY

Fear of missing out is the enemy of valuing your own time.

— ANDREW YANG

W e often hold on to negative emotions and unpleasant memories

because we dread the possibility that we’ll miss out on potential
positive experiences associated with them.
For example, we cling emotionally to a failed relationship, refusing to
let it go because we hope to somehow salvage it. Or we remain fixated on
our decision to abandon a college degree because we hope to one day go
back to school to acquire it. Or we dwell on a failed business venture,
convinced it failed due to poor timing, and dream of restarting it when the
time is right.
This is known as the fear of missing out, or FOMO.
FOMO affects us in many ways. Sometimes, it prevents us from making
commitments since doing so limits our options. Other times, it spurs us to
constantly check our phones and instinctively say yes to others’ offers and
invitations. Or we spend money we can’t afford because we don’t want to
miss out on experiences that others are enjoying.
In the context of letting go of the past, FOMO encourages us to remain
emotionally attached. If there’s even the slightest chance that we can
reverse or rectify a regrettable decision or situation, we hold on to that
modicum of hope.
We tell ourself that we’re simply keeping our options open. But in truth,
we’re desperately clinging to a desire to “make things right.” In doing so,
we rob ourself of the opportunity to let go and move on with our life. We
prevent ourself from enjoying the personal gratification that accompanies
other experiences, relationships, and successes.
The main stumbling block associated with the fear of missing out is
found in its name: fear. We fear moving on. We fear missing a chance to
experience something good. We fear losing out on something that might
happen. Unfortunately, this anxiety causes us to perpetuate our suffering by
staying emotionally attached to things that make us unhappy.
Several of the tools and techniques we’ll cover in Part III will help to
counter this mindset and erode the corresponding angst.
 WE DREAD LOSING OUR "INVESTMENT"

The sunk cost fallacy is most dangerous when we have invested

a lot of time, money, energy, or love in something. This
investment becomes a reason to carry on, even if we are dealing
with a lost cause.
— ROLF DOBELLI

A ll of us have experienced this feeling at some point in our life. We

invest so much time, energy, and sometimes money into something
that isn’t working that we’re unable to let it go. We hold on to it
despite it making us miserable. Abandoning it and moving on seems
impractical given our substantial investment in its success.
This can happen in our professional life as well as our personal life. For
example, we stay in a career that makes us unhappy because we invested
several years and substantial money toward obtaining a college degree to
support it. Or we stay in a toxic relationship because we’ve invested years
of our life and all of our emotional energy in it. We maintain a failing
business because we’ve invested so much time, capital, and even our
perception of self-worth into its success.
We don’t want to lose our investment. So we hold on, clinging to the
thing that’s making us feel stressed, anxious, frustrated, bitter, and resentful.
 The business world has a term for this mindset: sunk cost fallacy. It
describes the inclination to pursue an endeavor because of the resources
invested into it, even if those resources cannot be recovered. Additional
resources are invested as giving up on the endeavor would mean
recognizing its failure.
This idea is just as applicable to our tendency to hold on to things that
are causing us emotional discomfort. Letting go of such things means
acknowledging that they’re not working. And that means admitting failure.
Admitting failure is always difficult, but doubly so when our sense of self is
attached to the thing we’re holding on to (a failing relationship, business
venture, etc.).
And so we cling to it, sinking additional resources into it. We continue
to spend our time, energy, and money on the emotional attachment despite
knowing deep down that we’ll be unable to recover these resources.
The good news is, once we’re able to free ourself from the sunk cost
fallacy, it becomes much easier to let things go. We no longer feel beholden
to our investment.
 WE STRUGGLE WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

— ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

L ow self-esteem discourages us from letting go because we feel that we

deserve the regrettable circumstances we’ve experienced and the
resultant emotional pain we’re suffering. Rather than recognizing our
strengths, we focus on our shortcomings. Instead of celebrating our
accomplishments, we castigate ourself for perceived incompetence.
Our headspace is filled with self-recrimination as our inner critic
convinces us that we’re unlovable, ineffectual, and destined for — and
deserving of — failure.
This mindset presses us to hold on to past mistakes, disappointments,
and frustrations. We blame ourself for these things. And so we fixate on
them, presuming that we “earned” the unhappiness we feel regarding them.
Instead of showing ourself compassion, we continue to hold ourself
accountable for the past. We refuse to forgive ourself.
For example, recall a past relationship that ended poorly. Numerous
factors may have contributed to its failure, including decisions and
behaviors by both parties. But if we struggle with low self-esteem, we may
assume we’re entirely to blame. This assumption, along with the attendant
regrets, spurs us to cling to the painful memories rather than letting them go
and moving on with our life.
Or suppose we ran a business that went bankrupt. Again, many factors
may have played a role in its failure (e.g. bad economy, poor location,
increased competition, etc.). If we suffer from low self-esteem, we’re likely
to blame ourself. Rather than considering the impact of external factors,
we’ll be inclined to focus on our bad decisions. Instead of looking to the
failed business as a learning opportunity, we’ll see it as evidence of our
ineptitude.
Letting go of the past is only possible if we manage to break this habit
of self-reproach. In order to move on, we must find a way to undermine our
inner critic, short-circuiting its dubious and emotionally harmful
accusations.
Stay with me. The strategies we’ll cover in Part III are designed to help.
 WE LOATHE ADMITTING WE WERE WRONG

You should never be ashamed to admit you have been wrong. It

only proves you are wiser today than yesterday.
— JONATHON SWIFT

T he unwillingness to admit fault is, in a way, the polar opposite of low

self-esteem. Ironically, it has the same effect on our ability to move
past painful memories in a healthy manner.
Instead of blaming ourself for unfavorable outcomes, we refuse to
acknowledge that we may have played a role. We assume others are entirely
at fault. When confronted with evidence that we might share the blame, we
go to great lengths to challenge it. Our ego will not allow us to accept
blame.
It’s easy to assume this mindset would allow us to effortlessly let go of
things. After all, if nothing is our fault (at least in our mind), we experience
no regret and can therefore move on without a second thought.
Strangely, however, the opposite happens. We experience cognitive
dissonance. This is mental stress that occurs when our thoughts, beliefs,
decisions, and actions contradict each other. This stress causes us to dwell
on our losses and disappointments, dashed expectations, and personal
grudges. We continue to blame everyone but ourself, desperately clinging to
this narrative rather than simply admitting fault and moving on.
 For example, suppose our marriage ends and we refuse to acknowledge
that we played a role in its dissolution. We believe we’re faultless despite
our friends noting that we treated our partner poorly. Cognitive dissonance
prevents us from letting the failed marriage go. Instead, the psychological
stress causes us to hold on to it, if only to perpetuate the narrative
supporting our blamelessness.
Admitting that we’re wrong hurts our ego. It tarnishes our self-image. It
makes us feel vulnerable and unpleasantly exposed to others’ criticism. If
we’ve conditioned ourself to immediately assume we’re above reproach and
instinctively challenge assertions to the contrary, admitting fault will feel
distressing.
But it’s a feeling we must overcome. Being able to admit fault is a
necessary step toward letting go of the past and enjoying the emotional
freedom and peace of mind that results from moving on.
 WE IDEALIZE THE THING WE’RE HANGING ON
TO

My thing is, out of sight, out of mind. That's my attitude toward

life. So I don't have any romanticism about any part of my past.
— JOHN LENNON

T he entertainment industry has made it more difficult for us to let go of

the past. It has romanticized the past as well as the idea of holding on
to it.
For example, consider novels that focus on the unrequited love of the
protagonist. He (or she) yearns for another’s affection only to be repeatedly
rebuffed or ignored. Rather than accept this circumstance, the protagonist
persists in trying to win over the other person. By the end of the book, the
protagonist has usually succeeded and everyone lives happily ever after.
Or consider films that focus on a past era (e.g. the 1940s, the Middle
Ages, the Renaissance, etc.). Even if the period was marked by violence
and bloodshed, it is romanticized by focusing on the hero and his or her
journey through various trials and tribulations.
This has had an interesting effect on our psyche. A lifetime of exposure
to films, television shows, books, and music that idealize the past has made
us more inclined to hold on to things. Rather than letting go of the source of
our regrets, disappointments, and painful memories, we sometimes cling to
it because we idealize it.
 For example, most of us have done this with failed relationships. We
hold on to the memories, regardless of the pain they cause, because we
idealize former partners and the circumstances we shared with them. We
remember the good parts of the relationship while downplaying the bad
parts. This is one of the reasons some of us return to toxic relationships.
Our idealization of our former partners causes us to forget (or dismiss) the
deep-rooted toxicity of the relationship.
We go through this same process with other aspects of the past. For
example, we idealize the notion of getting a degree and thus find it difficult
to let go of our decision to forgo advanced education. We idealize
accomplishing certain goals and thus have trouble letting go of our
disappointment at not accomplishing them. We idealize being loved by
everyone we’ve known and consequently cling to others’ opinions of us,
dwelling on their approval or disapproval.
This tendency to idealize the past invariably leads to sadness,
frustration, and disappointment. But we can break this habit, giving ourself
permission to view our circumstances and our past in a realistic light. When
we do so, it becomes much easier to see the past through a pragmatic lens,
finally let it go, and ultimately move on with our life.
 OUR SELF-IDENTITY IS CONNECTED TO THE
THING WE’RE HANGING ON TO

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I

let go of what I have, I receive what I need.
— LAO TZU

W e self identify with our traumas, triumphs, failures, value systems,

vocations, and even material possessions. These things, along with
many others, become who we believe ourself to be. We use them as
a way to categorize ourself and assign ourself to particular groups.
On the one hand, this practice benefits us. Identifying with things help
us to define ourself as individuals. It provides us with a sense of self.
But this practice can also make it more difficult to let things go. When
we self identify with particular incidents, circumstances, struggles, belief
systems, etc., we become trapped by them. We feel we’re unable to leave
them behind without leaving an essential part of ourself behind in the
process.
For example, suppose you’ve started several businesses that have
ultimately failed. Along the way, you gradually begin to self identify with
these business failures. Despite your aspirations, you now secretly think of
yourself as an “ineffectual businessperson.”
You believe this attribute defines you. You believe it to be a part of your
character. Naturally, when you imagine starting another business, this self-
imposed label rears its ugly head and immediately discourages you. Worse,
you feel as if you’ll never be able to break free of it. Like an anchor, it
weighs you down.
This occurs whenever we allow our self-identity to become associated
with our experiences. A string of failed relationships causes us to believe
we’re incapable of maintaining a successful one. Being fired from our job
makes us feel incompetent at our chosen vocation. Failing to write and
publish a novel after years of aspiring to be a career novelist leads us to
believe we’ll never succeed as one.
These experiences influence how we see ourself. We become our
failures. Eventually, having connected our self-identity to them, we stop
giving ourself the opportunity to succeed.
Abandoning our old identities can be tremendously liberating. It allows
us to more easily let go of awful memories and punishing emotions as we’re
no longer held captive by demoralizing, self-applied labels.
 WE’RE ADDICTED TO NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
AND THOUGHTS

Negative emotions are like unwelcome guests. Just because

they show up on our doorstep doesn't mean they have a right to
stay.
— DEEPAK CHOPRA

A ll of us enjoy and appreciate positive emotions. We like to feel

happy, satisfied, and amused. We take great pleasure in feeling loved
and in turn loving others. We delight in feeling hopeful and awed.
Yet we often focus on negativity. We dwell on painful circumstances.
We brood over episodes that cause us to feel anger and resentment. We
anguish over disappointments and losses.
Sometimes, we do so purposefully. We ponder negative situations to
determine what we did wrong so we can avoid repeating mistakes. But too
often, we focus on negativity without purpose. We cling to upsetting
memories, personal grudges, and judgments about ourself and others. We
become addicted to these and other vexing emotions and thoughts.
It’s counterintuitive, to be sure. Why would any of us choose to fixate
on anger, sadness, and fear when we instinctively enjoy feeling calm,
happy, and secure?
Psychologists claim it can be a form of emotional addiction, one that
stems from a variety of sources. One possible reason is feeling unable to
control our circumstances. Another is that we’re trying to make sense of
something (an incident, outcome, etc.) that seems nonsensical to us. Yet
another reason is to reassure ourself that our decisions and actions in a
particular situation were correct. Essentially, that we are blameless for
whatever caused us to experience the negative emotions in the first place.
Whatever the reason (or reasons) for this fixation, it impedes our ability
to let go and move on. When we obsess about an unfortunate incident,
disappointed expectations, or anything that causes us to feel frustrated,
angry, offended, or resentful, we condition our mind to hold on to the
negative emotions associated with them. This conditioning encourages us to
attach ourself to them rather than surrendering them.
This behavior can become so ingrained that it happens without our
realizing it. And we end up holding on to things even though they caused —
and continue to cause — us emotional distress.
 OUR BRAINS ARE HARDWIRED TO SURVIVE

Bad things happen. And the human brain is especially adept at

making sure that we keep track of these events. This is an
adaptive mechanism important for survival.
— DAVID PERLMUTTER

T he mind prioritizes survival above all other concerns. It is designed to

help us overcome dangerous situations and evade threats and hazards
to our well-being. This priority to survive is paramount and unseats
all other competing interests. It’s a part of our natural programming; this
biological imperative is hardwired into us.
One of the primary ways in which the brain prioritizes survival is by
recognizing and storing negative information. It remembers experiences
that caused us harm, both physically and psychologically. In doing so, it
helps us to avoid or pull through circumstances that jeopardize our comfort
and security.
The mind’s tendency to focus on the negative (psychologists call this
tendency “negativity bias”) helped our ancestors to survive environmental
dangers. It allowed them to stay alert to threatening conditions when a
single error in judgment might otherwise have disastrous consequences.
This negativity bias clearly has its uses. But today, its psychological
impact arguably outweighs them. First, we are less exposed to
environmental dangers than were our ancestors. Threats still exist, of
course. But our vulnerability to them has greatly diminished.
Second, while focusing on the negative, the mind tends to overlook the
positive. Because the latter seems to have minimal practical use, it is
disregarded.
Third, this negativity bias discourages us from letting go of negative
thoughts and emotions. Our mind, prioritizing our survival, overemphasizes
their usefulness. We hold on to them, intuitively presuming that doing so
protects us from future harm. This tendency impacts every area of our life,
from our relationships and careers to our ability to make good, reasoned
decisions when we’re confronted with competing options.
Overcoming this natural proclivity toward the negative requires that we
rewire our brain. We must reframe negative experiences of the past in order
to finally let them go. Additionally, we must create new ways to think about
our circumstances so that we entertain negative aspects only to the extent of
their practical usefulness.
The strategies and exercises we’ll cover in Part III will prove
instrumental to these ends.
PART III
 21 STRATEGIES FOR LETTING GO AND
MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIFE

We’ve set the stage. We’ve laid the foundation. Now it’s time for us to do
the work. This section of The Art of Letting GO is where the rubber meets
the road. The pages that follow are filled with actionable tips and tools that
can be put to use immediately.
We’re going to explore, step by step, an assortment of techniques. These
techniques will help us to evaluate painful memories and undo the anger,
resentment, disappointments, judgments, and personal grudges that are
currently holding us back.
This isn’t just about self-evaluation. We’re going to venture much
further. Our end goal is to reverse years of conditioning that are causing us
to needlessly hold on to toxic relationships, regrettable decisions, grievous
losses, and bitterness over shattered expectations.
The strategies we’ll cover will help us to override our mental pattern of
regret, guilt, and self-recrimination regarding things we can’t change.
They’ll allow us to gradually replace our feelings of remorse, shame, and
general discontent with self-compassion. These techniques will encourage
us to develop a mindset that emphasizes self-empathy, patience, and
forgiveness.
 Ultimately, they’ll help us to gather the courage we need to finally let
go of the things that are causing us to feel miserable and dejected. And once
we’re able to do so, we’ll finally be able to move on and create the life we
deserve.
One quick reminder: each of the sections that follow contains an
exercise. These exercises are simple and designed to be performed quickly.
But don’t underestimate them. They provide an opportunity to put the
concepts we’ll explore to use, turning advice into action.
Ready to stop feeling trapped by the past and present and experience
true emotional relief and freedom going forward? If so, let’s roll up our
sleeves and get to work.
 STRATEGY #1: MAKE THE DECISION TO LET GO

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or

lose.
— LYNDON B. JOHNSON

W e want to make positive changes in our life. We desire these

changes for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it’s because they’ll
help us to become a better, kinder, more reliable friend, spouse, or
coworker. Other times, we want them because we believe they’ll improve
our quality of life.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that wanting to make a
positive change isn’t the same as deciding to make it. The former is little
more than wish fulfillment. The latter is a commitment, a decision that is far
more likely to result in the change we desire.
Making the decision to let go of something is more complicated than it
sounds. First, we need to acknowledge the source of our unhappiness. We
must ask ourself “What is causing my emotional pain?”
Second, we need to determine whether we’re ready to commit to letting
go of this burden. Here, we need motivation to spur our commitment. Let’s
ask ourself “How will my life improve once I’m free of this painful memory,
regret, or frustration?”
 Third, we must identify the potential reasons our mind might resist
letting go of this emotional albatross. Do we identify with the pain? Are we
struggling with low self-esteem and thus believe we’re unworthy of
forgiveness and happiness? Review the common reasons we covered in
Part II. It’s highly likely that at least one of them applies here.
Fourth, we must recognize that the decision to let go is ultimately ours
to make. No one else can make this decision for us. Recognizing this gives
us a sense of purpose. It encourages us to acknowledge our agency in our
life.
As an example, suppose you’re finding it difficult to let go of a failed
relationship. First, identify the source of your unhappiness. Perhaps it’s a
fateful decision you made that doomed the relationship. Maybe it’s verbal
abuse on the part of your partner.
Next, consider how your life will improve once you decide to let go of
this pain. You’ll feel less burdened. You’ll have more confidence in
yourself. You’ll feel more optimistic about life’s possibilities.
Then, determine why you’re holding on to the relationship. Is low self-
esteem preventing you from seeking a healthier relationship (i.e. you don’t
believe you deserve it)? Or perhaps you dread confronting the fact that you
suspected the relationship was doomed from the beginning, and
nevertheless pursued it.
Lastly, accept that the decision to let go of the failed relationship is
yours to make. You have agency. You have the capacity to make this
decision.

EXERCISE #1

W RITE a statement that summarizes your decision to let go of the event,

decision, relationship, or memory that’s causing you misery. Post it
somewhere in plain sight (above your desk, on your refrigerator, etc.). This
statement should incorporate the four steps above.
Here’s an example:
 “I’m committing to finally let go of ______________.
By letting ______________ go, I’ll feel less stressed and less
discouraged. I’ll also feel better about myself with great self-
confidence and a more positive outlook regarding my potential.
It’s possible my mind might resist. After all, I’ve been holding on
to ______________ for years. I identify with the pain. I also
idealize ______________ despite knowing the ideal is impossible.
I alone have the power to make this decision. I alone get to decide
to let go of ______________.

Time required: 10 minutes

 STRATEGY #2: IDENTIFY YOUR EMOTIONAL
STATE

You cannot let go of anything if you cannot notice that you are
holding it. Admit your ‘weaknesses’ and watch them morph
into your greatest strengths.
— NEALE DONALD WALSCH

B efore we can let go of something, we need to know how it’s affecting

our emotions. It’s one thing to feel a particular emotion, such as
anger, guilt, or sadness. But it’s another thing entirely to understand
how it’s impacting our frame of mind and influencing the way we feel about
ourself and everything around us.
For example, suppose we’re feeling angry about a failed relationship.
This anger doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It causes a ripple effect that extends
to other areas of our life. It makes us irritable at our workplace. It make us
temperamental when we’re with our friends. It causes us to be impatient
when we interact with strangers.
It’s important that we understand how the troubling emotions we
experience affect our broader emotional state. How do they influence our
interpretation of our circumstances? How do they affect the manner in
which — and the effectiveness with which — we approach challenges and
solve problems? How do they govern our worldview and prejudice our
perspective?
 Simply put, we often underestimate the emotions we feel regarding a
particular incident, decision, or memory. We know we feel them. But we
overlook how they influence our headspace.
The ability to comprehend, evaluate, and manage our emotional state is
known as emotional intelligence (EQ). It involves deep introspection into
how we’re feeling, why we’re feeling this way, how these feelings are
affecting us, and whether we need to take action to manage them.
This process requires self-awareness. We need to be able to observe
how we’re feeling and figure out whether these feelings make sense. We
need to investigate how the emotions that stem from a particular memory or
grievance exert influence on our reactions, impulses, and behaviors in other
areas of our life.
The first step toward doing this is to find a quiet place to sit and think.
This space should be free of distractions (e.g. our phones, the television,
other people, etc.).
Second, we should ask ourself a simple, two-pronged question: “What
am I feeling and what is causing me to feel this way?”
Third, we reflect on how these emotions are affecting our behaviors —
at our workplace, with our friends, with our loved ones, and even when
we’re alone.
Fourth, we write everything down.
As we go through this process, we may feel guilty about our emotions.
We may feel ashamed regarding how they influence us. It’s crucial that we
resist the urge to criticize ourself for feeling the way we do. Otherwise, we
risk instinctively suppressing these unpleasant emotions. This would
prevent us from evaluating, managing, and resolving them.

EXERCISE #2

F IND a quiet space free of distractions. Take a pen and pad of paper with
you.
 Think about a recent incident or circumstance that made you feel angry
or sad. Describe the incident in a single sentence. For example, “I got stuck
in traffic on my way home from the office.” Write it down.
Next, list the emotions you experienced during and after the incident.
Anger? Frustration? Scorn? Write them down.
Now, describe how these emotions affected your behavior immediately
following the incident. Use short sentences. For example, “I snapped at my
spouse” or “I slammed the door when I got home.” Write these down.
Finally, read what you’ve written and ponder how the emotions you felt
affected your behaviors and reactions in situations unrelated to the incident.

Time required: 10 minutes

 STRATEGY #3: FIND AN OUTLET FOR YOUR
NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live

rent-free in your head.
— ANN LANDERS

L etting go of a painful memory, bitter grudge, regrettable decision, or

grief and sadness stemming from a personal loss is easier when we
have an outlet for these emotions. Having an outlet doesn’t resolve the
emotions. But it gives us a way to release some of the stress and anxiety
they create so that they don’t overwhelm us. That’s important. We’re better
able to evaluate our emotional state in the absence of such pressure.
Many people find emotional solace in physical activity. They visit the
gym. They participate in sports. They clean their house. They go for a run.
Others find comfort in talking to friends. This might include expressing
their emotional struggles. Or it can simply be spending time with people
they love and admire.
Still others find relaxing activities, such as reading, meditating, or
painting, ease their stress and provide succor.
Think about the activities you enjoy. Consider how they make you feel.
For example, does people-watching at a local park or mall relax you? Does
watching a cheesy romantic comedy make you feel happy? Does spending
time with a close friend cause you to feel inspired and grateful for the
friendship?
Each of these can offer a valuable outlet for your negative emotions.
The key is to do them.
When we feel miserable about something we’re having difficulty letting
go, it’s common to isolate ourself and wallow in our misery. Our brain
fixates on the source of our emotional pain, and other activities get
sidelined by this fixation. We can’t imagine doing something that gives us
joy while we feel this way.
This is the moment when we should force ourself to take advantage of
activities we enjoy. We may not feel like visiting the park to people-watch,
but this is precisely what we should do when we’re feeling miserable (if
that’s what relaxes us). We may not feel like watching a cheesy romantic
comedy, but we should do exactly that.
Forcing ourself to do things we enjoy short circuits the pattern of
negative thoughts and emotions that dominate our headspace. It provides a
useful and timely outlet for the attendant stress. Releasing this stress will
help us to confront the thing we’re holding on to with less emotional
attachment and greater purpose.

EXERCISE #3

I DENTIFY five activities that make you feel good. They should be reliable
and consistent. They make you feel happy, relaxed, satisfied, or inspired
every time you do them.
Make certain they’re simple and easy. That way you can do them
whenever you wish with minimal planning or expenditure. Examples
include walking your dog, reading a novel, and visiting a local park,
museum, or coffeeshop.
Write down these five activities. Post the list in a place where they’re
always visible. Posting this list eases the burden of having to remember
these activities when your mind is saddled with distressing emotions.
 The next time you find yourself in anguish over something, immediately
refer to this list and force yourself to do one of the activities.

Time required: 5 minutes

 STRATEGY #4: DETERMINE WHETHER YOUR
NEEDS ARE BEING MET

All moralistic judgments, whether positive or negative,

are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
— MARSHALL ROSENBERG

I t’s hard to feel happy when our needs aren’t being met. We feel
dissatisfied. It’s as if a cloud of discontent follows us wherever we go.
We know intuitively that we’re not experiencing something essential to
our happiness, even if we’re unable to precisely identify what that
something is.
When we have difficulty letting go of something, it’s often because we
believe it was meeting one of our needs. For example, a failed relationship
was providing love and companionship. A failed business was providing a
sense of accomplishment, which in turn boosted our self-confidence.
Others’ expectations gave us a sense of personal value.
This perception is often misguided (which we’ll get to in a moment),
but we believe it to be true. Until we recognize and acknowledge the
delusion, it may as well be true. Ultimately, it makes us less inclined to let
go of whatever is burdening us.
The irony is, this misperception not only sabotages our ability to let go,
but also prevents us from getting our needs actually met. For example, we
hold on to a toxic relationship because it makes us feel secure. But the
feeling is a mirage due to the relationship’s toxicity. Holding on to it means
we miss the opportunity to enjoy a healthy relationship that would allow us
to experience genuine emotional security.
For this reason, in order to let something go, we need to determine
whether it’s truly meeting our needs. The first step is figuring out what our
needs are.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs 1 is helpful in this regard, but we need to
explore further to fully understand our personal motivations. For example,
knowing that we need to experience “self-actualization” to feel motivated is
only useful to a limited extent. What does it mean to us on a personal level?
First, we need to ask ourself “what do I need in order to feel satisfied?”
Love and affection? Self-confidence? A sense of independence? Frequent
opportunities to show empathy toward others? It’s important to be specific.
The next step depends on it.
Second, we need to determine whether the thing we’re holding on to
truly meets any of these needs. This requires careful thought and
introspection. It’s possible that we’ve been misinterpreting the signals
(perhaps for years), mistakenly believing that our needs are being met when
in reality they’re not.
Once we’re able to recognize that the thing we’re clinging to isn’t
meeting any of our needs, we can more easily sever our attachment to it. We
can let it go and finally move on.

EXERCISE #4

F IND a quiet space and contemplate your personal needs. Ask yourself what
you need in order to feel satisfied. Write down everything that comes to
mind.
Your needs might involve your connections with other people
(affection, companionship, etc.). Perhaps they include a sense of safety and
security (structure, predictability, etc.). Maybe you need opportunities to
experience adventure, passion, and spontaneity. Or you may need to feel
productive, effective, and highly competent in your areas of expertise.
If you’ve never done this exercise, you may be surprised by the results.
It’s one thing to know instinctively what you need in order to feel happy
and fulfilled. It’s another thing entirely to see your needs written down in
front of you.
Now that you’ve written down your needs, scrutinize every toxic
relationship, unfortunate decision, or personal grievance you’re holding on
to in light of them. Audit them one by one, asking yourself “does this thing
actually meet any of the needs I’ve identified?”
If the answer is “no” (and it likely will be), it becomes much easier to
recognize its uselessness and the futility of holding on to it.

Time required: 30 minutes

1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
 STRATEGY #5: IDENTIFY WHAT GIVES YOUR
LIFE PURPOSE

The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive,

but in finding something to live for.
— FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY

T his strategy is a cousin to Strategy #4. In the previous section, we

focused on determining whether our painful memories and negative
emotions stem from something that truly met our needs — or merely
seemed to meet them. In this section, we’ll dig one level deeper. We’ll
investigate whether the thing we’re holding on to gives our life purpose.
Purpose motivates us. It fills us with resolve and encourages us to take
action. It influences our behaviors and helps us to make difficult decisions.
It aids us in regulating our emotions and allows us to focus on what matters
to us. Purpose gives our life meaning and plays a critical role in whether we
feel fulfilled or dissatisfied.
When we’re clear about our purpose, we’re optimistic. We recognize
that life has a lot to offer and want to take advantage of opportunities to
enjoy it. We know what we’re supposed to do, or are at least confident that
we can figure it out.
By contrast, when we don’t know what gives us purpose, we feel bored,
empty, and anxious. We might even feel hopeless, a sentiment that
reinforces the false and damaging internal narrative that we lack personal
agency.
This lack of awareness regarding our purpose makes us more inclined to
hold on to the past. The future seems arbitrary and pointless, which makes
the past seem more important to us.
For this reason, identifying what gives us purpose is an essential part of
letting go. Once we determine that an upsetting memory, distressing
incident, or lamentable decision is disconnected from the things that give
our life purpose, it appears less impactful to us. And that shift in perspective
makes the process of letting it go much easier.
So how do we identify what gives our life purpose? As you can
imagine, introspection plays a key role. We need to ask probing questions
that help us to determine what we find truly meaningful. These questions
will gradually reveal the aspects of life we value. These can range from
social connections and professional success to personal development and
spirituality.
We’ll explore these questions in the exercise below.
One quick note: what gives us purpose today may be different
tomorrow. That’s fine. In fact, it’s to be expected. We evolve. Sometimes,
we reinvent ourself to align with new circumstances and aspirations. So the
exercise that follows is worth repeating from time to time.

EXERCISE #5

B Y NOW , you know the drill: Grab a pen and pad of paper, and find a quiet
space that’s free of distractions.
Let’s start with a couple of general questions. The questions will
become more specific and probing as we move forward. Write down each
one, and leave a bit of space for your answers.

Question #1: “What makes me happy?”

 Forget about things you feel that you must do or feel deserve your
attention. Ignore things you do to impress others or maintain an image. Just
think about what makes you happy.

Question #2: “What moves me?”

Consider things that grab your attention and evoke an emotional

response. These are things about which you’re passionate. It’s likely they
align with your values.

Question #3: “What am I good at?”

Whether your expertise stems from innate talent or years of education

and practice, these are things that feel effortless. You do them well, and you
do them with ease.

Question #4: “What are my biggest fears?”

These fears hold you back from pursuing the things that give you
purpose. Perhaps it’s a fear of failure. Maybe it’s a fear of success. Or
maybe it’s a fear of being judged by others.

Question #5: “If I knew I was going to pass away in five years, how would I
spend my remaining time?”

It’s a morbid question, to be sure. But it’s also a useful one. It

encourages us to consider what we feel is truly important. With limited time
at our disposal, we’re compelled to devote it to pursuits and interests that
we feel are meaningful.

Question #6: “Who would I like to be 10 years from today?”

Here, we consider the goals we aspire to accomplish and the reasons we

want to accomplish them. We think about the possessions we want to
acquire and the reasons we want to acquire them. We contemplate the type
of friend, parent, sibling, or coworker we want to be and why we want to be
so. In short, this question encourages us to ponder our future identity along
with our motives.

Question #7: “If I look back on my life near its end, how would I imagine
having lived it successfully?”

Our life near its end will no doubt look much differently than it does
today. We’ll have the advantage of hindsight. This question helps us to
preemptively reflect on our life. Did we live it according to our values and
priorities? Did we make the contributions we aspire to make? Did we make
a difference in a way that’s meaningful to us?
Mulling over and candidly answering these questions allows us to brush
aside life’s trivial concerns and focus on what actually matters to us. It
clarifies what gives us purpose. It encourages our intentionality. In the
process, it sheds light on our troubling memories and bleak thoughts, urging
us to accept they may be pointless and thus suitable to let go.

Time required: 30 minutes

 STRATEGY #6: ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR
EMOTIONAL PAIN

As long as you are unable to access the power of the Now,

every emotional pain that you experience leaves behind a
residue of pain that lives on in you.
— ECKHART TOLLE

M any of us avoid emotional pain. We distract ourself from it by

focusing on our work, buying things we don’t need, and even
indulging in behavior we know to be self-destructive (binge
drinking, drug use, self-injury, etc.). In short, we go to great lengths to keep
the pain at bay.
But in order to let go of the pain, we have to confront it head on. We
have to face it without distraction. Only then can we release it, grieve when
necessary, and move on with our life.
Emotional pain can stem from a myriad of circumstances. A shattered
relationship, the loss of a loved one, and persistent social isolation can
cause us to suffer anguish and distress. Low self-esteem, the loss of a job,
and mistreatment by coworkers can have the same effect.
When we experience mental suffering, we sometimes respond to it by
shutting off our emotions. We stoically deal with the pain by bottling it up
and getting on with life. Unfortunately, this approach prevents us from
properly dealing with it and managing the emotions it evokes in us. We rob
ourself of the opportunity to express and release the negative feelings we
experience.
And this makes letting go practically impossible.
Rather than avoid our emotional misery, we must embrace it. We should
be willing to admit we’re feeling the way we feel, accept it as authentic and
valid, and let it in. This process isn’t about giving ourself approval to feel
like a victim. Instead, its purpose is to acknowledge our distress rather than
bottling it up, identify its source, confront it head-on, and ultimately free
ourself from it.
This is how we let it go, heal, forgive, repair our self-worth, and move
on.
The exercise below is designed to help us to go through this process. It’s
simple and easy. But don’t rush through it. Give yourself time to fully
appreciate the pain you’re feeling regarding the thing you’re holding on to.

EXERCISE #6

F IRST , start a journal. In this journal write down what you’re feeling.
Be as specific as possible. Do you feel sad, angry, traumatized, or
powerless? Do you feel lonely, empty inside, depressed, or overwhelmed?
Write down every emotion you’re experiencing. This entry in your journal
doesn’t need to be long or eloquent. A simply bullet-point list will suffice.
Next, set your journal aside, close your eyes, and identify the event,
circumstance, or source of these feelings. What is making you feel the way
you feel? Once you’ve identified the source, open your eyes and retrieve
your journal. Describe the origin of your emotional pain. Be concise. One
or two sentences should be adequate.
Lastly, start an entry in the format of a brief letter to yourself. In this
letter, explain what happened and how it made you feel. You’ve already
done most of the work. Refer to what you’ve already written down.
Writing this letter gives you an opportunity to acknowledge your pain
and express your feelings. It makes them more tangible and palpable. This,
in turn, makes it easier to accept what you’re feeling as authentic, embrace
the pain, and understand why you’re feeling it.

Time required: 15 minutes

 STRATEGY #7: LOOK FOR IMPORTANT LESSONS

In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the
past, but you will find yourself.
— DEEPAK CHOPRA

A ll of us have regrets. We make mistakes. We make poor choices. We

say things we wish we hadn’t. We knowingly engage in activities
detrimental to our physical and mental health. We fail to take
advantage of opportunities. Regrets are an inescapable part of life.
But this doesn’t mean we need to hold on to them. In fact, holding on to
a regret often suggests we haven’t learned anything from it. We haven’t
discerned its lesson.
Yet.
Our mistakes present terrific learning opportunities. When we’re willing
to examine them, they help us to identify our activities, behaviors, and
decisions that resulted in undesirable outcomes.
Examining our regrets, looking for any lessons they offer us, is often the
key to letting them go. If we can take away from them some insight that
helps us to act, behave, or decide more effectively in the future, they’ll have
served a useful purpose. Discovering this insight can feel invigorating.
Rather than feeling discouraged and depressed, the lessons we learn
make us feel more optimistic. We experience a greater sense of confidence
and agency. Instead of continually thinking “life stinks,” we imagine the
positive changes we can make thanks to our improved awareness.
This requires a shift in our mindset. Previously, we fixated on our
painful memories, pessimistic thoughts, disappointments and dashed
expectations, and various grudges and grievances. We felt unable to detach
ourself from them. They burdened us, weighing us down and preventing us
from experiencing the happiness and joy that accompany emotional
freedom.
Now, in shifting our mindset, we proactively search for teachable
moments. We look for lessons in our misfortune, sorrow, and distress
through which we can grow.
This shift isn’t easy. Far from it, in fact. Most of us have to confront and
negate years of conditioning to make it happen. But like any new habit, we
can do so through repeated application. If we train ourself to consistently
look for enlightenment in things that evoke our negative emotions, the
practice will eventually become second nature to us.
This makes letting go of the regrets and negativity attached to these
things much easier.

EXERCISE #7

T HINK about something you’re struggling to let go. Maybe it’s a shattered
relationship, botched presentation for your job, or a decision that caused
you to lose a substantial amount of money. Perhaps it’s a behavior you
loathe in yourself, but continue to engage in (e.g. procrastinating, trying to
please others, breaking promises, etc.).
Whatever it is, write it down.
Next, write down this question: “Why do I feel regret over this?”
Answer it candidly. Does your regret or remorse stem from something you
did? If so, what was it?
This question serves two purposes. First, it helps us to separate things
we have control over from those we don’t. If we lack control, there’s no
reason to blame ourself.
Second, if we did have control, it encourages us to own the mistake.
This is a crucial step toward learning from it.
Next, write down this question: “What was I trying to accomplish?”
Again, answer it candidly. The action, behavior, or decision clearly failed to
meet our expectations. This question highlights what went wrong.
Finally, write down this question: “What can I learn from this
experience?” The purpose of this question is to help us avoid making the
same error in the future. If we had control and did something we now
regret, we can gain useful insight from the experience. With it, we can make
positive changes.
This exercise encourages us to make use of uncomfortable memories,
losses and disappointments, and unpleasant episodes rather than remain
burdened by them. Putting their lessons into practice reinforces our sense of
agency and makes it easier for us to let them go.

Time required: 15 minutes

 STRATEGY #8: RECOGNIZE THAT YOUR IDEAL
SELF IS A MIRAGE

Embrace the glorious mess that you are.

— ELIZABETH GILBERT

W e aspire to be better. We have an image of the person we’d like to

be in the future and strive to make that image a reality. That’s part
of the human condition. It’s an honorable intention and plays an
important role in our continual growth.
But it’s a double-edged sword. Our intention to be better is
accompanied by the awareness that we’re not currently the person we
believe we should be. Our present self has fallen short of our ideal self in
some way.
For example, suppose we’ve always imagined becoming a surgeon. We
attend medical school, obtain our degree, and go through a medical
residency program only to discover we can’t stand the sight of blood.
Suddenly our ideal self is in jeopardy. Our present, real self has fallen short
of our idealized image.
This sets the stage for pointless self-criticism. We castigate ourself
because we believe we’ve failed to “measure up.” We think of our failed
expectations and the attendant lost opportunities, which fills us with regret,
bitterness, and disappointment.
 These feelings, left unchallenged, gain their own momentum. They can
eventually dominate our headspace, causing us to obsess over our perceived
failure to actualize our ideal self. This frame of mind traps us in a state of
remorse and shame. We become fixated on things that “should have been”
rather than accepting the present, surrendering what we can’t control, and
moving on.
With this unhealthy, self-punishing attitude in place, letting go becomes
impossible.
It’s imperative that we recognize that our idealized self is little more
than a mirage. It’s an unattainable illusion, much like the proverbial oasis in
a desert. As long as we cling to the fantasy, we prevent ourself from coming
to terms with our real self. We forego the opportunity to reconcile our
current circumstances and let go of our painful memories, dashed
expectations, and disappointments regarding what we believe should have
been.
Surrendering our ideal self is a process, not merely a decision. It
requires giving attention to — and adjusting — certain aspects of our
current frame of mind. The following exercise is designed to help.

EXERCISE #8

G RAB your pen and pad of paper. Write down the heading “My Values” and
list every personal value you consider to be important.
Your list may include things like loyalty, spirituality, and security. It
might include courage, compassion, and honesty. Perhaps you value self-
reliance, determination, and a strong work ethic. Whatever it is, write it
down. Make the list as comprehensive as possible.
Next, underneath your list of values, write down the heading “My
Interests.” List everything you feel passionate about.
Consider your favorite hobbies, such as cooking, gardening, or playing
the guitar. Think about things you find intriguing, such as reading about
history, following select social causes, or traveling to faraway countries.
 Lastly, underneath your list of interests, write down the heading “Areas
That Deserve More of My Time.” Write down values you currently hold
dear that you feel need more attention. List your interests and passions that
you’ve placed on the back burner.
This exercise encourages us to focus on our present self rather than
fixating on our ideal self. Instead of aspiring to measure up to an
unattainable, idealized image of ourself, we recognize our current
circumstances and simply strive to improve. Along the way, we feel
empowered to let go of our regrets and disappointments over the person we
thought we should have been.

Time required: 20 minutes

 STRATEGY #9: SURRENDER YOUR PRIDE

Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst, and cold.

— THOMAS JEFFERSON

W e sometimes mistake pride for self-esteem and self-confidence. For

example, we’re “proud” of ourself for having gone to school and
received a degree in our chosen field of study. We’re “proud” of
ourself for maintaining a healthy marriage. We’re “proud” of ourself for
running a successful business.
But pride flirts with the dark side of our ego. Left unchecked, it can
cause us to feel arrogant and self-important. When it does so, it becomes a
destructive force. It turns into a stumbling block that negatively impacts our
relationships, careers, and decisions.
Unchallenged, pride also discourages us from letting go the things that
haunt us. We become less inclined to admit our mistakes, convinced we’re
faultless. We become less willing to apologize, certain that others are to
blame and thus owe us an apology. We habitually compare ourself to others
to measure our self-worth, and obsess over keeping up with them.
These tendencies erode our ability and willingness to let go of
grievances, judgments, personal grudges, and other sources of bitterness,
resentment, and emotional distress. Instead, we cling to these things. They
allow us to feel superior to others, a sentiment that we convince ourself is
essential to our positive self-image.
To be clear, pride isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it serves a useful purpose.
It encourages us to appreciate our strengths, and it inspires us to accomplish
goals that are important to us. But like our aspiration to be better, it’s a
double-edge sword. It courts egotism and narcissism. When we’re overly
prideful, we become so intent on presenting a superior image that we’re
unable to let go of anything that challenges it, privately or publicly.
For this reason, we must be willing to surrender our pride. By doing so,
we remove one of the most paralyzing roadblocks hampering our ability to
let go the things that cause us emotional turmoil.
To be clear, surrendering our pride doesn’t mean that we abandon our
self-respect. Rather, we simply recognize our fallibility. We continue to
appreciate our strengths and values while acknowledging that we’re human
and thus capable of doing things, saying things, and feeling things that are
detrimental to us.
So how do we ensure that pride doesn’t take over our life? How do we
manage it so that it doesn’t hamper our ability to let go of the things that
make us miserable?
Grab your pen and pad of paper for Exercise #9.

EXERCISE #9

F IRST , write down the heading “Things for Which I’m Proud of Myself.”
Underneath it, list everything that gives you a sense of personal pride.
Include goals you’ve achieved, lessons you’ve learned, and personal
struggles you’ve overcome.
Perhaps you were offered a coveted job after a successful interview.
Maybe you learned how to cook a difficult dish. Perhaps you went on a date
that went fantastically well. Write it down. Take time to make the list
exhaustive. The more comprehensive it is, the better.
 Next, write down the heading “Things That Made Me Feel Defensive.”
List every recent circumstance during which you found yourself justifying
your actions, behaviors, decisions, and even private thoughts.
Perhaps you argued with a coworker, and he claimed that your actions
caused a problem. Maybe a friend offered you constructive criticism about a
recent investment decision. Perhaps a neighbor purchased a new car and
you found yourself privately rationalizing why you drive an older vehicle.
Again, the more comprehensive you make this list, the better.
Lastly, consider each item that you’ve placed on your second list. One
by one, ask yourself “does this contradict any item I’ve placed on my first
list?” For example, does your neighbor purchasing a new car invalidate the
fact that you got a coveted job? Does it invalidate the fact that you learned
to cook a difficult dish?
You’ll find that your answer in every case will almost certainly be “no”
or even “of course not.”
Going through this process serves an important purpose. It severs the
connection between the things that give you a legitimate sense of
confidence and the things that spur you to reactively protect your ego.
Along the way, it’ll become easier and more natural to admit mistakes,
accept culpability, and forego making trivial and useless comparisons with
others.
And that will make letting go much simpler.

Time required: 30 minutes

 STRATEGY #10: ACKNOWLEDGE THE
DEBILITATING EFFECTS OF GUILT AND SHAME

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable

of change.
— BRENE BROWN

G uilt and shame are painful, crippling emotions. Both are reminders
that we’ve done something wrong, often producing terrible
consequences, for ourself and others, in the process. These emotions
can make us feel innately flawed, contemptible, and morally deficient. They
can make us feel unworthy of others’ affection and companionship. Left
unresolved, they can cause us intense stress and anxiety and trap us in a
state of perpetual self-reproach.
But like pride (discussed in the previous chapter), both guilt and shame
serve a useful, if unpleasant, purpose. They signal to our brain that our
behavior and conduct are misaligned with our values. They highlight our
moral and ethical failings as we perceive them in light of our principles.
When we’re mindful of our emotions, we can make use of guilt and
shame to change our behavior. We can examine our misdeed, determine
why it caused us to feel guilt and shame, and self-correct. We can realign
our conduct with our values.
Unfortunately, many of us seldom reach this stage. We fail to take the
time to fully reflect upon our emotions and investigate their source, and
thus allow guilt and shame to fester in our mind. We realize we did
something that makes us feel terrible, but avoid reconciling this feeling due
to ego, pride, and fear. This allows our always-present inner critic to turn
into a voice of condemnation.
Over time, this self-criticism can destroy our self-image and demolish
our self-esteem. It gains a foothold in our brain. Once this happens, it
becomes more difficult to show ourself compassion and forgiveness. We
continue to punish ourself for our perceived misdeeds rather than
confronting the guilt and shame they evoke and letting them go.
This state of mind eventually hobbles our ability to act with confidence
and purpose. And it impacts every area of our life. Unable (or unwilling) to
forgive ourself, we become stuck in the past and unable to move forward.
The first step toward letting go of our guilt and shame is to recognize
how they negatively impact our life. This is more complicated than it
sounds and requires a fair bit of self-analysis. The following exercise will
guide you through the process.

EXERCISE #10

W RITE down something you recently did that made you feel guilty and
ashamed. Describe the circumstance and recount your thought process.
What prompted you to do what you did? No one will read what you write
(unless you allow them), so be candid.
Next, write down the reason (or reasons) your conduct caused you to
feel guilty and ashamed. Did your behavior violate a particular value that
you normally embrace? If so, write down that value. If your behavior
transgressed more than one, write down all of them.
Now, describe the emotions you’re experiencing associated with your
guilt and shame stemming from this incident. Express them thoroughly. For
example, you may be fearful of condemnation from someone you wronged.
Or perhaps you feel deeply embarrassed by your conduct. Or maybe you
feel that your behavior was so reprehensible that you’re unworthy of
forgiveness, from yourself and others.
Lastly, focus on each of these feelings, one by one, and consider their
effects on your future actions and decisions. For example, fear of
condemnation from someone you’ve wronged may cause you to avoid that
individual, amplifying your guilt and shame. Profound embarrassment
might discourage you from associating with others, leading to isolation and
despair. Feeling unworthy of forgiveness may prompt you to denigrate
every thought you have, leading to emotional paralysis.
As you’ve likely noticed, this exercise doesn’t focus on letting go of our
guilt and shame. That comes later. Rather, it focuses exclusively on their
negative impacts. That’s the critical first step, and it’s one that sorely
deserves our time and attention.
By taking this step (i.e. doing this exercise), we’re better able to
recognize how guilt and shame undermine our ability to act, forgive, and
ultimately heal and recover.

Time required: 20 minutes

 STRATEGY #11: DISREGARD WHAT OTHERS
THINK OF YOU

Care about what other people think and you will always be their
prisoner.
— LAO TZU

W e care what others think of us. It’s instinctive. Much of our

happiness stems from the relationships we enjoy with other people.
Naturally, we want them to like, respect, and admire us. We model
our behavior and decisions to ensure this effect. We do things we know will
elicit a positive response from our friends, coworkers, loved ones, and even
acquaintances. Conversely, we avoid doing things we suspect would evoke
a negative response.
This instinct can be beneficial to us. It encourages us to maintain certain
behavioral standards, pressuring us to help others rather than hurt them
(deliberately or otherwise). This impulse was vital to our survival back
when our ancestors had to contend with predators, environmental hazards,
and other threats. If we behaved to the detriment of the group, we might be
ostracized and left behind. And then we’d find ourself in big trouble.
But like pride, this instinct is a double-edged sword. And it can easily
cut both ways.
Today, we don’t have to contend with the hazards and threats that
endangered our ancestors. Our life is rarely in immediate peril. So group
inclusion is no longer a matter of survival.
Still, we continue to strive for others’ approval. We worry constantly
about what others think of us. We dread criticism and model our behavior
and decisions to avoid it. In short, we still fear being rejected and excluded
from the group.
The problem is, this fear makes it nearly impossible for us to let go of
things that cause us emotional pain and distress. When we obsess over
receiving others’ approval, we give ourself far less latitude to confront our
emotions, forgive ourself, and move on. The process of letting go becomes
entangled with our yearning for others’ validation. Our insecurity causes us
to overanalyze our thoughts, decisions, and actions under the harsh,
unforgiving light of whether we have others’ permission.
We need to break this cycle. We need to abandon our anxiety regarding
how our behavior and choices will look to our friends, coworkers, and
loved ones. Doing so won’t suddenly turn us into sociopaths. Instead, it will
give us the freedom to fully explore our negative thoughts and emotions,
show ourself compassion, and take the necessary steps to heal and move
forward.

EXERCISE #11

A S WITH PREVIOUS EXERCISES , you’ll need a pen and pad of paper. First,
create the heading “My Values.” Underneath it, write down every personal
trait you consider important to how you work, live, and associate with
others. Make it as comprehensive as possible.
Second, create the heading “My Triggers.” Underneath it, write down
everything other people do that prompts you to change your behavior.
Maybe it’s criticism. Perhaps it’s gossip, about you or someone else. Maybe
it’s someone yelling at you. Or perhaps it’s as simple as a frown from
someone who is disappointed in you. Include everything that comes to
mind.
 Third, create the heading “Recent Incidents That Triggered My
Insecurity.” Try to recall every occasion in the recent past that harmed your
self-image, even if only slightly.
Now, consider the incidents you’ve written on your third list. Look at
your first list and ask yourself “did I feel insecure because I violated my
values?”
If the answer is yes, take steps to avoid repeating whatever you did
wrong. If the answer is no (and it usually will be), acknowledge that the
trigger that hurt your self-image served no useful purpose.
Doing this exercise gradually desensitizes us to others’ opinions
regarding our behaviors and choices. As long as we hold fast to our values,
we can confidently stop fretting about what others think of us.

Time required: 20 minutes

 STRATEGY #12: STOP TRYING TO MAKE
EVERYONE ELSE HAPPY

When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to
yourself.
— PAULO COEHLO

M ost of us feel a deep sense of satisfaction when we’ve made

someone happy. When they smile because we’ve said something
that improves their mood, we feel pleased. When they express
delight because we done something nice for them, we feel happy ourself. In
fact, research suggests that making others happy is the best way to make
ourself feel the same way. 1
Problems arise when this tendency begins to supersede our other
priorities. We start to place others’ happiness above our own needs.
For example, we need time to decompress after a stressful week, but
agree to spend the weekend finishing a project at the office. This makes our
boss happy, but creates more stress for us. Or a friend blames us for
something of which we’re innocent, but we apologize and express regret to
appease him or her. This makes our friend happy to our own emotional
detriment.
Constantly trying to make everyone else happy only leads to misery. We
lose ourself in their priorities. We spend so much energy catering to others’
needs and wants that we have none left to address our own.
 In order to let go of our resentment, bitterness, frustrations, anger,
judgments, regrets, and grudges, we need time and energy to reflect on
them. We need to explore what we’re feeling and why we’re feeling it.
Then, we need to do the hard work of undoing years of emotional
conditioning that have caused us to cling to these things.
We cannot do this if we’re continually trying to make other people
happy. This proclivity not only robs us of the time and energy we need for
self-reflection, but also digs us into a deeper emotional hole. We sacrifice
our self-esteem and self-image on the altar of others’ happiness.
The following exercise will help us to counter our inclination to make
everyone else happy. By doing so, we’ll give ourself the freedom and
autonomy to address our own emotional needs.

EXERCISE #12

G RAB your pen and pad of paper. Create the heading “My Priorities.” List
every task and responsibility that you consider important.
For your job, think about to-do items you need to complete each day or
week. Consider projects that you’re expected to finish or presentations that
you’re expected to deliver by set deadlines. At home, reflect on the chores
that need to be completed, the promises you’ve made to family members,
and the personal projects you consider to be high priorities.
Next, create the heading “Things I’ve Recently Done to Make Others
Happy.” Include major things that forced you to sacrifice significant time
and energy, such as helping a friend move or working over the weekend at
your boss’s request. Also include trivial things that required minimal time
and energy, such as smiling at a friend or buying lunch for a coworker who
left his or her wallet at home. Ideally, your list will be exhaustive.
Now, examine the two lists you’ve created. Ask yourself “did anything
on my second list prevent me from addressing anything on my first list?”
Smiling at a friend wouldn’t have such an effect. But helping a friend move
when a work-related deadline looms over your head may indeed do so.
 The purpose of this exercise is to help us recognize when our efforts to
make others happy work to our detriment. Once we’re able to recognize
this, we’ll be better prepared (and hopefully more willing) to set healthy
boundaries. These boundaries, in turn, will give us the time and energy we
need to confront, resolve, and eventually release our pernicious thoughts
and hurtful memories.

Time required: 15 minutes

1 Titova, Milla and Kennon, Sheldon. (2021). “Happiness comes from trying to make others feel
good, rather than oneself.” The Journal of Positive Psychology.
DOI:10.1080/17439760.2021.1897867
 STRATEGY #13: STOP TRYING TO MAKE
YOURSELF HAPPY

Happiness is like being cool: the harder you try the less it's
going to happen. So stop trying. Start living.
— MARK MANSON

O ur ongoing, sometimes relentless, pursuit of happiness does us more

harm than good. This might seem counterintuitive. But hear me out.
Remember when we were kids. We tried to act “hip” in front of
others. We wanted to impress our friends and classmates and convince them
we were cool enough to hang out with (and maybe even too cool). But a
funny thing happened. The more we tried to seem “hip,” the more unnatural
we felt about our behavior. The more we tried to be cool, the less cool we
felt.
Happiness works in a similar manner. The more we try to make ourself
happy, the less happy we feel. Sometimes, we try so hard and behave so
desperately to that end that we make ourself miserable.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with desiring to be happy. All of us
want to experience happiness. But the manner in which we try to make it
happen often has the opposite effect.
One of the reasons is that our obsession with being happy causes us to
overemphasize the impact of our failures. When we fail, we sometimes
experience intensely negative emotions that are unwarranted by the
circumstances. A study was published awhile back in the journal Emotion
that described this tendency. 1 The researchers found that people who obsess
over being happy often experience more stress as their obsession causes
them to dwell on negative thoughts and emotions attached to their failures.
Another reason involves misconceived expectations. We mistakenly
expect certain things to make us happy. When these things fail to do so, we
feel discouraged and dejected. We might even fall into depression as we
convince ourself that our happiness is unattainable.
For example, think of the person who strives to be wealthy because he
or she believes that’s the path to happiness. After spending a lifetime
accumulating wealth, this individual discovers his or her expectation was
misplaced. The discovery can feel acutely disheartening.
The truth is, happiness isn’t something we can make happen — at least
not in a significant way over the long run. Instead, it’s something that arises
from our behaviors, decisions, relationships, experiences, and
circumstances. So we should focus our time and effort on these things
rather than trying so hard to make ourself happy.
When we’re not obsessed with our happiness, we have more liberty to
acknowledge, manage, and release our negative emotions rather than
avoiding them.
With that said, it’s time for our next exercise.

EXERCISE #13

F IRST , write down everything you believe would make you happy. Your list
might include being attractive, wealthy, or famous (or even infamous). It
may involve having a ton of free time, driving an expensive car, living in a
gigantic house, or receiving positive attention from peers at your
workplace. As in previous exercises, make this list as comprehensive as
possible.
Second, think about the times you’ve felt truly happy. Try to remember
the circumstances that gave rise to this feeling. Did it stem from a look of
joy on your children’s faces as you spent time playing with them? Did it
happen while you were relaxing during a much-needed vacation? Did your
happiness follow a family get-together? Briefly describe these
circumstances on your pad of paper.
Now, notice how your first list contains things you have yet to achieve
while your second list contains experiences you’ve already enjoyed. For
example, you may expect wealth to make you happy, but it’s really your
children’s joy during play that does so. You might think that driving a
Lamborghini Huracan will make you happy, but it’s actually enjoying
dinner and games with family and friends that does so.
Doing this exercise reframes how we think of happiness. It erodes our
assumption that we can make ourself happy and reinforces the idea that
happiness is an aftereffect of our circumstances and experiences. Once we
accept this new, healthier perspective, we can focus our attention on
addressing — and ultimately letting go of — our distress, bitterness, and
other exhausting and crippling emotions.

Time required: 20 minutes

1 McGuirk, L., Kuppens, P., Kingston, R., & Bastian, B. (2018). Does a culture of happiness increase
rumination over failure? Emotion, 18(5), 755–764. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000322
 STRATEGY #14: SCRUTINIZE HOW YOU MAKE
DECISIONS

Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes

you.
— JOHN C. MAXWELL

M any of our regrets, resentments, and grievances can be traced back

to our decisions. We’ve made choices that we’ve later lamented. It’s
a part of life.
For example, perhaps we chose to dive headfirst into a relationship we
suspected would be unhealthy for us. Over time, maybe due to toxicity,
codependency, or some other unfortunate circumstance, our suspicions were
confirmed. Predictably, the relationship ended in disaster, causing us to feel
angry, resentful, and hurt.
Or maybe we decided to start a business despite possessing no market
research showing a demand for the product or service we planned to offer.
After months (or worse, years) of trying to make the business a success,
we’re eventually forced to close it down in failure. Naturally, we feel
demoralized, pessimistic, ineffectual, and even ashamed.
In both of these hypothetical situations, note how our decisions set the
stage. We chose to dive into an unhealthy relationship. We chose to start a
business without evidence of demand.
 On the one hand, this is encouraging news. It means we have agency.
We’re capable of making plans and decisions that affect our life. We’re in
control.
On the other hand, it underscores that the way we make decisions has an
enormous impact on the outcomes we experience. If we’re reckless in our
choices, diving in without considering the attendant risks, we’re sure to
experience undesirable outcomes and the emotional pain attached to them.
In short, we often create the situations that later cause us misery. To that
end, we’re often responsible for the negative emotions we later struggle to
let go.
Again, this is good news. We can evaluate our decision-making process
and determine if we’re making choices impulsively or methodically. If the
latter is the case, we can make adjustments and refrain from causing ourself
avoidable emotional distress and suffering along the way. If the former is
the case, the changes we need to make are more foundational.
Let’s don our investigator hats. In the exercise below, we’ll examine
how we make decisions and determine where to make practical,
constructive adjustments.

EXERCISE #14

I N THIS EXERCISE , we’ll make a series of statements regarding our decision-

making process and assign each a rating based upon its accuracy. A rating
of “1” means the statement is completely untrue while a rating of “5” means
it’s on the mark. At the end, we’ll tally our score.
On your pad of paper, write down a value between “1” and “5” for each
of the following statements:

1. I follow a carefully constructed process whenever I make a

decision.
2. I determine what I want to achieve before I make a decision.
 3. I take into account every factor that might affect the outcome
before I make a decision.
4. I’m never surprised by the effects of my decisions.
5. When I feel uncertain about a decision, I review my process to
look for errors.
6. I rely on my experience and knowledge rather than gut instinct
whenever I make decisions.
7. I rarely rush my decisions.

If you scored between 30 and 35, there’s not much room for
improvement. You have an effective decision-making process. You’re
thinking carefully about your options, considering the potential risks and
rewards associated with each, and choosing accordingly.
If you scored between 20 and 29, we can make positive, useful
adjustments. For example, if you seldom think about what you’d like to
achieve with a decision, this oversight deserves attention. If you often rush
decisions, this too is an area that warrants attention.
If you scored between 10 and 19, there’s plenty of room for
improvement. This might involve exploring why you’re often surprised by
the results of your decisions. It may include thinking about ways to
incorporate your experience and knowledge into your decision-making
rather than relying on your gut instinct.
By improving our decision-making process, we can circumvent some of
the heartache, regret, and emotional pain that might otherwise burden us.
And when we’re confronted by these things, we can ask ourself whether we
contributed to them. Doing so acknowledges that we may have made poor
choices, paving the way for us to forgive ourself and let them go.

Time required: 15 minutes

 STRATEGY #15: DIAGNOSE WHY YOU’RE
FEELING LAZY

Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use
it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it
you can never get it back.
— HARVEY MACKAY

A ll of us struggle with laziness. Even the most productive person you

know is sometimes lazy. And this isn’t always a bad thing.
The truth is, laziness can occasionally be beneficial. It gives us a
chance to relax, unwind, and recharge. It can help us to manage our
attentional resources and focus on things that are important to us. And
sometimes, when we’re being lazy, we come up with smart ways to resolve
persistent issues (even if just to answer the question “how can I fix this with
minimal effort?”).
Laziness isn’t without positive effects.
The problem is, we tend to get carried away with it. We allow our
laziness to continue long after we’ve recharged our batteries. We allow it to
persist even though we’re no longer coming up with creative solutions to
existing problems.
This can happen for a myriad of reasons. For some, it’s a simple lack of
self-discipline. For others, it’s disinterest in — or ambivalence toward —
whatever requires their attention. Still others fear failure, feel depressed, or
believe their efforts won’t matter in the long run.
When our laziness persists beyond its usefulness, it begins to take a toll
on our self-esteem. This starts with excuses. For example, we tell ourself
that we’re being lazy because we don’t feel well or because the “time isn’t
right.”
But soon, our inner critic takes over. It tries to convince us that our
laziness stems from shortcomings in our character or deficits in our
knowledge or ability. Before long, we begin to question our self-worth. We
start to lose faith in ourself, believing that we’re inadequate to the task at
hand.
This downward progression in our thoughts can open the door to
feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, and worse. It can eventually
make us feel useless and undeserving of compassion and forgiveness —
from others and ourself.
This hurtful self-assessment is antithetical to letting go of our negative
emotions and painful memories. In fact, it reinforces them as we start to
believe that we’re unworthy of enjoying emotional freedom.
For these reasons, it’s important that we figure out why we’re feeling
lazy when we’re feeling so. It’s one thing if we want to simply relax and
regain our energy. It’s quite another if our laziness stems from self-
condemnation and unhealthy thought patterns that provoke and embolden
our inner critic.

EXERCISE #15

T HINK about recent incidences where you knew something needed your
attention, but you decided to do nothing. Perhaps you needed to go grocery
shopping, and simply chose not to do so. Maybe your vehicle needed an oil
change, but you decided to stay home and watch your favorite sitcom. Or
maybe you had committed to meeting friends for breakfast, but chose
instead to stay in bed.
 Write down your reasons.
This will require a fair bit of introspection. Most importantly, it’ll
require your candor and honesty. Be frank with yourself. That’s the only
way to gain insight into your motivations.
Following are common reasons people feel lazy (use this list as a
springboard for creating one that’s unique to your experience):

inability to ignore distractions

unwillingness to be responsible for items/problems that need
attention
indecisiveness
lack of interest
feelings of inadequacy
fear of failing to meet others’ expectations
fear of successfully meeting others’ expectations
feelings of discouragement
feelings of sadness and depression
feelings of pessimism and futility
feelings of bitterness and resentment for having to be responsible
for items/problems that need attention

Notice that some of these reasons suggest nothing more than a lack of
discipline. But other reasons imply something deeper and more sinister.
They suggest unhealthy emotions that are not only causing our inertia, but
also eroding our self-esteem, self-confidence, and sense of agency.
These latter reasons deserve scrutiny. Why are we feeling this way?
What is the root source of these feelings? And how do we stop feeling
them?
In Strategy #2: Identify Your Emotional State, we discussed how our
emotions — both positive and negative — prejudice our perspective and
influence how we solve problems. Here, we’re approaching the same issue
through the lens of our lethargy and malaise.
This simple exercise can yield incredibly useful insight. It can reveal
negative thought patterns that might otherwise remain hidden from us. Once
they’re revealed, we can calmly and bravely confront them, acknowledging
them and ultimately showing ourself compassion by letting them go.
Time required: 20 minutes
 STRATEGY #16: PRACTICE GRATITUDE

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he
has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
— EPICTETUS

W e often fail to notice the good things that happen to us each day. We
overlook the small moments of serendipity that benefit us. We
disregard the nice things that friends, coworkers, and loved ones do
for us. We take for granted the wonderful food we enjoy each day, the
resources at our disposal, and the fact that we have a roof over our head.
There’s a simple reason. Recall the chapter Our Brains Are Hardwired
To Survive from Part I. We discussed how the mind prioritizes survival
above all other concerns. This intent compels us to focus on things that
might jeopardize our well-being. In short, we’re always on the lookout for
potential threats.
As previously noted, this is called the negativity bias. It’s the way our
minds are built.
As mentioned earlier, survival clearly isn’t a concern for us today in the
way it was for our ancestors. We rarely encounter the same types of threats
and hazards. Yet, this negativity bias is difficult to abandon because it is
hardcoded into us.
 The problem is, when we focus on things that can go wrong rather than
celebrate the good things in our life, we operate from a place of fear. This
fear reinforces the emotionally painful experiences we’ve endured in the
past. It highlights our unmet needs. It emphasizes past betrayals. It
underscores our dashed expectations, painful memories, and personal
grudges.
It’s a constant reminder that so many things have hurt us in the past and
can potentially hurt us again in the future. So we cling to the painful
memories and the cynicism, distrust, and negativity attached to them. It’s a
survival mechanism.
Of course, this makes letting go of the past and enjoying the present
almost impossible.
Fortunately, we can short circuit our negativity bias by practicing
gratitude. By being mindful of everything positive that happens to us, we
erode our natural fear of anything that might cause us sorrow, distress, and
heartache. In doing so, we gradually rewire our brains so that it becomes
easier for us to let go of the things that cause us anguish.
Practicing gratitude is simple. But it’s difficult to know how and where
to start if we’ve never done it. The exercise below will get us started on the
right foot.

EXERCISE #16

I ENCOURAGE you to keep a gratitude journal. As we build this practice, you

can return to it each day to reflect on what you’ve written and gain
inspiration for future entries.
First, write down 10 things for which you’re grateful. Include things
both big and small. Once you begin to write, you’ll likely come up with
dozens of things about which you feel appreciative. But focus on 10 for
now.
Second, reflect on each of the 10 items you’ve listed. One by one, think
about how your life would be without it. For example, suppose you’re
thankful that you have a secure job that you genuinely enjoy. Imagine what
it would feel like to have a job you loathe with an uncertain future.
Third, for each item on your list, ask yourself “did anyone contribute to
my enjoying this?” For example, did a friend recommend you for the job
you currently enjoy? Did a family member help you with a down payment
for your home? Did an acquaintance teach you to play the guitar, a hobby
you now relish? Write down the name of any such individual next to the
item on your list.
The last step may feel uncomfortable. But I strongly encourage you to
do it as it has a lot of positive effects. Express your thanks to the individuals
whose names you wrote on your list. There’s no need to lavish them with
syrupy appreciation. Simply say “thanks.” For example, you might tell your
friend, “I love the job you recommended me for. Thanks for doing that.”
This exercise encourages us to acknowledge that good things regularly
happen to us, and it helps us to recognize them. In the process, we whittle
away our fear of things that have the potential to cause us emotional
suffering. We also become less inclined to fixate on our painful memories
and more willing to let them go and enjoy the present.

Time required: 10 minutes

 STRATEGY #17: ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR
LINGERING PROBLEMS

There are two primary choices in life: To accept conditions as

they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
— DENIS WAITLEY

A s important as it is to practice gratitude as a means of letting go of

our emotional pain, it’s also important to acknowledge existing
problems. We can’t ignore them. They might involve your job or
workplace (e.g. tension with coworkers, missed deadlines, etc.). They may
involve your personal and home life (e.g. a heated argument with your
spouse, a leak in your roof, etc.).
It’s natural to want to blame others for the bad things that affect us. For
example, if we miss a job-related deadline, it’s not because we mismanaged
our time. It’s because a coworker’s interruptions didn’t allow us to work. If
we get into an argument with our spouse, it’s our spouse’s fault, not our
own.
This tendency to deflect blame arises for a few reasons. First, we blame
others because it allows us to close the causal loop. It explains why the
unfortunate circumstance happened.
Second, it allows us to create a narrative that shields us from culpability.
By placing the blame on someone else, we can sidestep feeling guilty.
 Third, we do it because it’s easy. If we can blame someone else for
whatever issue we’re struggling with, we can avoid spending the time and
effort necessary to examine our own contribution to it.
But there’s a dark side to this habit. The more we blame others, the
more we see ourself as a victim. The more we see ourself as a victim, the
less agency we feel we possess. Without this sense of agency, we feel
powerless to control our fate, which only increases our fixation on our
frustrations, disappointments, grievances, and painful memories.
The most effective way to counter this tendency is to take responsibility
for problems that affect us. This doesn’t mean we immediately accept
blame for such problems. Rather, we simply stop blaming others,
recognizing that doing so is pointless. Rather than attributing our problems
to those around us, we commit to taking action to resolve them.
For example, suppose we miss a job-related deadline. A coworker may
have indeed repeatedly interrupted us, preventing us from working. But
rather than assigning blame, it’s more productive to take purposeful action
toward resolving the issue — in this case, completing the task in as timely a
manner as possible.
This approach requires that we change our frame of mind. For most of
us, this change won’t come naturally or easily. We’ll almost certainly need
to confront and override years of conditioning to gradually adopt this new
habit. The exercise below, while simple, will prove instrumental toward that
end.

EXERCISE #17

F IRST , write down every recent or current circumstance that is causing you
to experience negative emotions. For example, someone at your workplace
may have “accidentally” taken your lunch, making you feel angry. You may
have received a speeding ticket, causing you to feel upset and disappointed.
Or perhaps a friend canceled dinner plans, making you feel lonely.
 Second, write down the name of the individual you instinctively want to
blame for the issue. For example, write down your coworker’s name for
having taken your lunch. Write down the name of the police officer (or
simply write “officer”) for having given you a speeding ticket. Write down
the name of your friend who canceled dinner plans.
Third, for each item on your list, ask yourself, “Does blaming this
person resolve this issue?” The answer will almost certainly be “no.”
Lastly, write down a single action you can take to either resolve the
issue or lessen the likelihood of it recurring. For example, you might be
able to store your lunch in a different location. You can decide to drive the
speed limit in the future. You could always have a “Plan B” when making
plans with this particular friend (e.g. “If Tony cancels on me, I’ll read that
novel I’ve been looking forward to reading.”)
Regularly doing this exercise trains our minds to take responsibility for
problems that inconvenience us. In doing so, it also encourages us to
assume responsibility for our emotional pain. We’re not blaming ourself for
it. Importantly, we’re not blaming anyone. Instead, we’re granting that we
have the capacity to acknowledge our pain, deal with it rather than avoid it,
and ultimately let it go.

Time required: 20 minutes

 STRATEGY #18: EMBRACE YOUR LACK OF
CONTROL

You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize
this, and you will find strength.
— MARCUS AURELIUS

I t’s a natural instinct to want to control everything that affects us. We

want to feel as if we’re at the helm of our ship, managing our life by
exerting influence over our circumstances and the people around us. But
this sense of control over external factors is largely a delusion. And it’s one
that inflicts an emotional cost.
For example, recall the last time you were stuck in traffic. You had no
influence over the situation and so were forced to wait for the traffic to
clear. While waiting, powerless to change your circumstances, you may
have felt frustrated and anxious.
Or recall a past relationship where your partner was unfaithful. You had
no control over his or her actions. You could only trust they would remain
committed to the relationship. When that trust was broken, you were left to
deal with the emotional aftermath.
Although craving control is a natural instinct, it fundamentally impairs
our ability to let go of our anger, disappointments, resentments, and regrets.
It causes us to fixate on our negative experiences, unable to reconcile why
they occurred. After all, if we’re truly in control of our circumstances, we
must be at fault when things go poorly. But the idea of self-sabotage is
anathema to our nature.
We want life to be predictable. But the reality is, life is often random.
Bad things occasionally happen to us regardless of our decisions and
actions. If we hope to experience freedom from our negative thoughts and
emotional burdens, we must come to terms with our inherent lack of
control.
We can control our choices. We can control our thoughts. We can
control how we treat others. And we can control how we respond to events,
people, and other external stimuli. But we have limited control over our
environment, other people’s actions, and events that adversely affect us.
If we can relinquish our desire for control, embracing the fact that it’s
ultimately an illusion, life’s randomness becomes easier to tolerate. We’ll
become more willing and able to recognize that many of our negative
experiences stem from factors beyond our influence. Accordingly, much of
the emotional pain we feel as a result of these experiences will become
easier to manage and ultimately release.

EXERCISE #18

F IRST , create the heading “Things I Cannot Control.” Underneath it, write
down a list of things over which you have minimal influence. Focus on
people and your environment. Note that your list may become lengthy. The
lengthier, the better.
Following are a few ideas to get you started with regard to people…

how people feel about me

how people behave around me
how people treat me
the decisions people make
the thoughts people entertain
 And here are a few ideas with regard to your environment…

the weather
the economy
traffic
getting older
the past
natural phenomena (earthquakes, pandemics, etc.)

Neither list is exhaustive, of course. Again, they’re designed to get you

started.
Second, create the heading “Things I DO Control.” Underneath it, write
down everything over which you can exert influence. As with our first list,
this one may also become lengthy. As you’ll see in the third step, the more
things you write down, the better.
Here are some ideas to get your creative juices flowing…

how I spend my time

where I devote my focus and energy
my behavior
how I treat those around me
whether I hold grudges
the principles and values I uphold
the level of compassion I show to others
the level of compassion I show to myself
the decision to be a better spouse, friend, sibling, employee, etc.
how I react to what others say and do

Third, review each item on your first list. As you do so, ask yourself “do
I feel attached to any outcome that stems from this item?” If the answer is
“yes,” investigate the reasons. For example, does your attachment arise
from ego and pride? Does it flow from faulty expectations? Does it come
about because you haven’t allowed for the randomness of life?
Now, review each item on your second list. Notice that all of them
involve your attitude, behavior, priorities, goals, and convictions. These are
the things you control.
 The fourth and final step of this exercise is to develop a mindset of non-
attachment to outcomes associated with items on your first list. Fair
warning: this will take time. Changing our frame of mind is always a
struggle because we must unravel years of programming.
Be patient with — and compassionate toward — yourself. Celebrate
small victories. For example, the next time you’re stuck in traffic, try to
detach your emotions from the situation. If you’re successful, praise
yourself.
This exercise, along with adopting a mindset that focuses on things we
can control, aids us in letting go of our emotional burdens. Once we
recognize that much of the psychological pain we carry stems from things
outside our influence, we can more confidently surrender them and move
forward.

Time required to complete steps 1 through 3: 15 minutes

Time required to complete step 4: Several weeks, and perhaps even

months
 STRATEGY #19: STOP KEEPING SCORE IN
RELATIONSHIPS

The greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.

— PEMA CHODRON

O ur relationships are the source of much of our happiness. The

camaraderie we share with our coworkers, the companionship and
support we enjoy with our friends, and the love we feel for our
families bring us a deep sense of satisfaction.
But our relationships can also be the source of much of our emotional
anguish. Duplicity, crushed expectations, and unaddressed grievances can
leave us feeling betrayed, let down, and angry.
If we can let go of the frustration, bitterness, and resentment we feel
toward others, we can more effectively confront the issues that prompted
these feelings. Unfortunately, we tend to hold on to these things. This often
happens because we keep a “relationship scorecard.” This scorecard keeps
track of the positive and negative things our coworkers, friends, and loved
ones do.
Everything is placed on this scorecard. This includes minor
“infractions,” such as rude comments, irritating texts, and displeasing
opinions. Every trivial transgression that irks us makes it onto this
scorecard. And unsurprisingly, due to our negativity bias, we overlook
many of the positive things people do. So our scorecard ends up being
unfairly lopsided. It thus provides an inaccurate portrayal of who’s “ahead”
or “behind.”
But the real problem is that keeping a scorecard always leads to
bitterness and resentment. The relationship, whether it’s with a coworker,
friend, or family member, becomes a competition.
And there is never a winner.
The other person inevitably feels taken for granted and unappreciated.
And we ultimately convince ourself that we’re doing the heavy lifting,
putting in more than our fair share of time, effort, and emotional capital.
The negative emotions that spring from this dynamic not only cause the
relationship to deteriorate, but are also difficult for us to release. We dwell
on them. We cling to them. And as they fester, they cause us to feel more
and more resentment and regret.
Today, let’s commit to abandoning these scorecards. Let’s pledge to stop
keeping track of whether the people in our life are “pulling their weight.”
The exercise below will help us to start enjoying scoreless relationships,
and thereby let go of pointless grudges, aggravations, and hurt feelings.

EXERCISE #19

W RITE down the name of someone with whom you spend significant time.
This can be your spouse, a close friend, or a coworker.
Next, create a list of things this individual has recently done or said that
displeased you. For example, did your spouse neglect to wash the dishes?
Did a friend share an opinion that you found vexing? Was a coworker late
to a meeting you scheduled for the two of you? Write it down, regardless of
how trivial it now seems.
Now, create a list of traits you appreciate in this person. Here’s a short
list to get you started:

positive attitude
great sense of humor
 willing to listen
slow to judge
quick to forgive
eager to take responsibility
loyal
truthful
consistent
enthusiastic

Make your list as comprehensive as possible.

Lastly, review the list of things this individual did that displeased you.
Keeping in mind his or her positive traits, ask yourself “how serious is this
issue to me in the long run?” Provide your answer by assigning each item
on your first list a number between 1 and 10.
Quantifying our displeasure after privately acknowledging our
appreciation for this person has a clarifying effect. It shows us that while
our irritation may be valid, it’s imprudent to hold on to it given all that we
enjoy and admire about this person.

Time required: 15 minutes

 STRATEGY #20: STOP MAKING UNNECESSARY
COMMITMENTS

I’ve screwed up and I’ve overcommitted and it’s typical of me.

— ROBERT METCALFE

I t’s easy to overcommit these days. There are more demands than ever
on our time, attention, and other resources. Many of us find ourself so
busy trying to meet our obligations that we are left with little time to
address our own needs or pursue our own interests.
It’s exhausting. In fact, it’s a recipe for feeling stressed and burned out.
But there’s another issue with overcommitting, and it’s a particularly
problematic one because it’s so easy to overlook. When we devote our
attentional resources to a seemingly endless list of “duties,” we rob ourself
of the energy we need to explore our emotional burdens.
And if we don’t fully explore them, we cannot truly resolve them and let
them go.
To be sure, each of us has commitments that we cannot avoid. Some are
related to our job. Others involve our family. And some are associated with
other aspects of our life, such as volunteering to help nonprofit
organizations, contributing time and energy to our churches, and
maintaining side work. We cannot abandon these commitments in good
conscious.
 But we can avoid committing ourself to tasks and roles that we consider
to be lower in priority. We can start saying “no” more often. We can begin
to edit our life so that we honor our high-priority duties while leaving
ourself sufficient time to manage our emotional health.
It’s difficult to say no when we’re accustomed to saying yes. But the
upside is that we’ll avoid overextending ourself. Instead of spending all of
our time and energy helping others get what they want out of life, we can
reserve these resources for our own priorities.
How do we stop filling our calendars and to-do lists with unnecessary
commitments? The exercise that follows provides a simple plan.

EXERCISE #20

L ET ’ S CREATE A TIME BUDGET . We only have 24 hours each day. It’s helpful
to recognize how some of this time is already committed.
First, create the heading “Personal and Home Care.” Underneath it,
write the following items:

sleep
bathing/grooming
exercise
meals & meal prep
chores
family time

Second, write down the amount of time you spend on each item each
day. Focus on the ideal. For example, you might sleep four hours per day,
but the ideal is seven (this varies by age). You might spend no time
exercising each day, but recognize you should do so. Here’s what your list
might look like following this step:
 sleep — 7 hours
bathing/grooming — 45 minutes
exercise — 20 minutes
meals & meal prep — 2 hours
chores — 30 minutes
family time — 90 minutes

This totals a bit over 12 hours. This means you have 12 hours left in
your budget. Now, create the heading “Work” and go through the same
process. Here’s what your list might look like:

commute — 1 hour
time at job — 8 hours

This totals 9 hours. We have 3 hours left. Next, create the heading
“Other Areas.” This will encompass things like volunteer work, time spent
at church, and helping clients via a side business. If you spend time on such
things only once or twice a week, simply divide the time you spend by
seven to calculate a daily average. Here’s a hypothetical list:

volunteer work — 3 hours per week or approximately 30 minutes

per day
church — 3 hours per week or approximately 30 minutes per day
side business — 1 hour per day

This totals 2 hours. We have 1 hour left.

Now, write down your hobbies and interests. For example, do you play
the guitar? Do you regularly spend time in prayer or meditation? Do you
enjoy reading self-improvement books? Do you relish watching Netflix?
Remember, we only have 1 hour left in our budget. How will we spend
it?
This exercise serves two purposes. First, it reveals how much of our
time is already committed, even if we don’t realize it. Second, it
underscores the fact that overcommitting means siphoning away time from
important areas of our life.
 When we acknowledge that our time and energy is limited, and can see
these limitations in plain view on paper, it becomes easier to say no. And
the more often we say no, the more time we have for self-analysis. We give
ourself more freedom to examine, resolve, and ultimately release the
emotional pain that weighs us down.

Time required: 10 minutes

 STRATEGY #21: LEARN TO FORGIVE YOURSELF
AND OTHERS

Take stock of everyone who has ever wronged you in any way,
regardless of how severe or recent it may have been, and make
the choice to let go. Forgiveness is an act of the heart.
— WAYNE DYER

M uch of the emotional pain we bear stems from unfair treatment at

the hands of others. We feel hurt, betrayed, forgotten, or
disrespected. These feelings turn into resentment, which we hold on
to as a way to protect ourself. If we resent the person responsible for our
anguish, we’re less inclined to be emotionally vulnerable around them.
A lot of the emotional suffering we experience also stems from how we
treat ourself. We are our harshest critic. When we err, make poor choices, or
fail to perform up to our standards, we castigate ourself. We beat ourself up
for our failings and shortcomings. This leads to guilt and shame, emotions
that needlessly wound our self-image, acting like shackles that constrict our
freedom.
The solution is to adopt an attitude of forgiveness. We must be willing
to forgive others as well as ourself.
This is easier said than done, of course. Forgiving others makes us
vulnerable to them. We dread being hurt by them again, so we’re
disinclined to pardon them.
 Forgiving ourself is no easier. We’re reluctant to let ourself off the hook
because, deep down, we believe we should be perfect. We set unreasonably
high standards for ourself. We give ourself no latitude to make mistakes.
We see self-forgiveness as weakness, and so we withhold it. But self-
reproach doesn’t make us stronger. It just pummels our ego to the point that
we feel that we can’t do anything right.
When we adopt an attitude of forgiveness toward others, we can more
easily move on from past hurts. Yes, we make ourself more vulnerable. And
no, forgiving others won’t necessarily change their behavior toward us. But
it allows us to let go of our bitterness and resentment. This offers its own
rewards. A small, but growing body of research shows that forgiving others
can reduce our stress and increase our productivity. 1 But most importantly,
doing so can help to end our emotional suffering.
When we adopt an attitude of self-forgiveness, we can more easily let
go of the shame and guilt we feel regarding our mistakes, choices, and poor
performance. We stop feeling worthless and ineffectual. Instead, our self-
compassion recognizes our humanity and innate fallibility. We accept that
we make mistakes. We become less likely to dwell on them and less
inclined to entertain the negative emotions that arise from them.
As mentioned, forgiveness doesn’t come easy for most of us. We have
to work at it. The following exercise will help. It gives us an opportunity to
reflect on our emotions whenever we feel hurt by others or disappointed in
ourself. It encourages us to question whether these emotions are doing us
more harm than good. The insight we gain will gradually help to free us of
the heartache, resentment, shame, and other toxic feelings that are holding
us back.

EXERCISE #21

T HIS IS A TWO - PART EXERCISE . The first part will focus on adopting a
forgiving attitude toward others. The second part will focus on adopting a
similar attitude toward ourself.
 First, write down the name of someone whose behavior recently
angered or hurt you. Next, write down exactly what this individual did or
said that evoked this response. Now, describe the emotions you
experienced. Sadness? Outrage? Shame? Whatever the case, write them
down.
Second, create a list that describes how these emotions influence your
behavior. Here’s an example list:

I’m unable to focus on my work

I’m apprehensive around this person
I’m less likely to share my opinions
I feel discouraged regarding my goals
I’m unable to be present with loved ones

Third, create a list that describes how you’ll feel if you forgive this
person and move on. Here’s an example list:

I’ll feel more at peace

I’ll feel less anxious
I’ll feel less hostile
I’ll feel more empathetic
I’ll feel more compassionate

Lastly, review these two lists side by side. Weigh the benefits of
forgiving the person against the drawbacks of bearing a grudge and holding
on to resentment.
Writing down our emotions, along with how they influence our frame of
mind and behavior, makes it easier to examine their impact. It helps us to be
more objective. Consequently, we’re able to more quickly recognize that the
upside to forgiving others and moving on far eclipses any upside to holding
on to resentment, anger, and shame.
Now, let’s shift our focus to self-forgiveness. We’ll take a similar
approach. First, describe a recent incident that prompted you to criticize
yourself. Next, write down the emotions you experienced. Guilt? Despair?
Embarrassment? As before, whatever the case, write them down.
 Second, create a list that describes how these emotions influence your
behavior. Here’s an example list:

I’m less likely to take risks

I’m more likely to doubt my abilities
I’m more likely to give up
I’m more likely to withdraw from others and isolate myself
I’m less likely to express my needs to others

Third, create a list that describes how you’ll feel if you forgive yourself.
Here’s an example list:

I’ll feel more confident

I’ll experience a greater sense of freedom
I’ll be able to take action without fear
I’ll waste less time and energy on incidents I can’t change
I’ll enjoy healthier, more compassionate relationships

Lastly, weigh the benefits of forgiving yourself against the downsides of

continued self-condemnation. We can quickly see that forgiving ourself is
the smoothest path toward releasing our despair, guilt, and other emotional
burdens.

Time required: 30 minutes

1 Toussaint, Loren and Worthington, Everett L. (2018). "Forgiveness Working: Forgiveness, Health,
and Productivity in the Workplace." American Journal of Health Promotion. DOI:
10.1177/0890117116662312
 BONUS STRATEGY #1: DEVELOP "EMOTIONAL
DIVERSITY"

Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an

important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs
that something needs to change.
— GRETCHEN RUBIN

Y ou’ve no doubt met people who seemed perpetually and exclusively

happy. They always smile, always laugh, and always seem in good
cheer. They’re unflaggingly upbeat. And they can be a lot to handle
if they catch us before we drink our first cup of coffee in the morning.
The idea that they might be holding on to some type of emotional pain
seems unfathomable given their constant high spirits.
But it turns out they may not be as happy as they appear. Psychologists
are discovering that experiencing a variety of emotions, both good and bad,
is better for our long-term emotional health. 1 They call it “emotional
diversity” (or emodiversity).
Emotional diversity works in a manner similar to the stock market.
Diversifying our investment funds into a variety of stocks helps us to
weather downturns in any one particular stock. It protects our investment
portfolio from catastrophe. (This is the reason many people invest in mutual
funds.) In the same way, emodiversity helps us to endure experiences that
might otherwise lead to emotional devastation. It protects our emotional
portfolio.
For example, consider an individual who is always cheerful. If he or she
truly experiences only positive emotions (e.g. joy, happiness, etc.), a single,
major negative event, such as getting fired or divorced could ruin her long-
term emotional state. By contrast, someone who regularly experiences a
wide range of emotions, from joy and happiness to sadness and frustration,
is better prepared to endure such an event.
Emotional diversity helps us to let go of our distressing memories,
painful regrets, and upsetting grievances. We experience an array of
emotions that makes us more adaptable to our circumstances. We become
more resilient to the negative thoughts and feelings that might otherwise
monopolize our headspace. Rather than obsessing over our emotional pain,
we become more comfortable confronting its source, managing our feelings
regarding it, and finally letting those feelings go.
The following exercise will reinforce the importance of developing
emodiversity and help us to gain insight into what triggers the emotions we
experience.

BONUS EXERCISE #1

F IRST , create a list of emotions you’ve recently experienced. Ideally, it’ll

include emotions that fall across a wide spectrum, from happiness to
sadness, from anger to delight. The greater the range, the better.
Second, briefly describe the incident that prompted each emotion. For
example, were you angered by something a coworker said to you? Were
you overjoyed to get a raise at your job? Were you saddened to learn a close
friend was relocating to another country?
Third, review the distribution of emotions on your list. Does it seem
balanced or does it disproportionately favor negative or positive emotions?
If your list favors one or the other, review the incidents that triggered them.
Do any patterns stand out that suggest emotional fragility, such as how you
react to disparaging comments from coworkers?
This exercise is designed to improve our self-awareness regarding the
range of emotions we experience. If we discover that we rarely experience
emotions outside a limited band, we can look for opportunities to broaden
our emotional diversity.
For example, if we usually feel angry and resentful, we can do things
that make us feel good, such as praising others. If we’re usually happy, we
can take the time to acknowledge things that make us unhappy rather than
simply avoiding them.

Time required: 20 minutes

1 Quoidbach, Jordi, et. al. (2014) "Emodiversity and the emotional ecosystem." Journal of
Experimental Psychology: General. vol. 143, no. 6, pp. 2057–2066. PMID: 25285428 DOI:
10.1037/a0038025
 BONUS STRATEGY #2: MANAGE YOUR
EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT IN EXPECTED
OUTCOMES

It is easier to make our wishes conform to our means than to

make our means conform to our wishes.
— ROBERT E. LEE

W e expect a lot from ourself and others. When our expectations are
unmet, we experience disappointment, frustration, and even anger.
We believe a certain outcome should happen. We become invested
in it. When it fails to materialize as we imagine it, our patience evaporates
and our inner critic denounces everyone involved (if only in our heads).
That’s a lot of pressure to place on ourself and other people. And
because mistakes, poor decisions, and misdeeds are inevitable (we’re
human, after all), it’s a recipe for resentment. This resentment can grow to
the point that we become perpetually bitter. We begin to expect failure,
from ourself and others, while maintaining our rigid standards.
It’s a vicious cycle. As it repeats, it reinforces a negative attitude and
encourages us to hold on to it despite its harmful effect on our emotional
well-being. Prolonging this state increases our stress, impairs our
objectivity, and can even lead to depression. Preoccupied with this
negativity, we fixate on our disappointments, frustrations, and judgments,
unable to let them go.
 We must short circuit this cycle. We need to manage our expectations
lest they manage us and wreck our mental health in the process.
It won’t be easy. And it’ll take time. But if you’re willing to invest the
time and effort, you’ll find that managing your expectations will lessen the
potency of the emotional turmoil you experience when things don’t go as
planned. In fact, it will render irrelevant many of the sources of that
emotional pain. And ultimately, it will ease the process of releasing it.

BONUS EXERCISE #2

W RITE down a list of recent incidents that made you feel angry, frustrated,
or disappointed. Describe the events, behaviors, and decisions that
prompted these feelings.
For example, you may have felt disappointed when a friend arrived late
to a scheduled lunch. Or perhaps your spouse neglected to take out the
trash, causing you to feel frustrated. Maybe a coworker failed to complete
his or her part of a project, creating more work for you (and angering you as
a result).
The negative emotions you experienced were based on your
expectations. But they actually stem from being emotionally invested in a
particular outcome (e.g. your friend arriving on time for lunch). When that
outcome didn’t happen, you reacted negatively (if only privately).
The purpose of this exercise is to highlight this fact and help us to
separate our expectations from our emotional investment in how things
ultimately occur. In doing so, we can improve our ability to adapt when our
expectations are unmet. We may experience anger, frustration, and
disappointment, but we’re less likely to be consumed by them. By being
less emotionally invested in a particular outcome, we’re better able to let
these feelings go when they surface.

Time required: 15 minutes

 BONUS STRATEGY #3: QUESTION THE
ACCURACY OF YOUR PERSONAL NARRATIVES

Understand and challenge your personal narrative. Narratives

become choices and actions — which become your life.
— BRYANT H. MCGILL

O ur mind invents stories to make sense of our experiences. These

stories are supposed to help explain why things happen and the roles
we played in making them happen. It’s our brain’s attempt to “close
the loop.” It wants to assign a causal relationship between events and
triggers. So it creates personal narratives to accomplish this goal.
The problem is, these narratives are usually off target. Our brain is less
concerned about accuracy than it is about attributing causality.
These narratives reinforce our cognitive biases. If we entertain a self-
serving bias — attributing positive experiences to our actions and negative
experiences to externalities — our personal narratives will reflect it.
For example, suppose we take an exam and receive a good grade. Our
self-serving bias might attribute the grade to our intelligence, proficient
test-taking skills, or the fact that we buckled down and studied. Our brain
will thus create a narrative that we’re smart, good at taking tests, and
naturally diligent.
If we entertain a modesty bias — attributing positive experiences to
externalities and negative experiences to our actions — this too will be
reflected in our brain’s narratives.
For example, we may attribute our good grade to the fact that the exam
was too easy. Or perhaps the professor was amazingly effective at teaching
the material. Our brain will create a narrative that supports these details
(e.g. we were lucky to have this professor).
When bad things happen to us, our brain will often create narratives that
suggest we are to blame. It will imply that something about our character
caused the unfortunate incident. Here, it’s important to remember that the
brain isn’t concerned with accuracy. It just wants to close the loop.
For example, suppose we take an exam and do poorly on it. Our brain
will create a narrative to explain the reason(s). This narrative might suggest
that we’re stupid, unable to focus, or simply bad at taking exams. If we
entertain it, we risk fixating on these traits, wrongly assuming they’re a part
of our identity. This is the path toward self-condemnation and despair.
If we question this narrative, we’ll notice that it’s inaccurate. Our poor
performance on the exam may be attributable to feeling exhausted, being
stressed, or having misinterpreted the material. Questioning the narrative
reveals its dishonesty. Once it is revealed as false, we’re less inclined to
fixate on our supposed shortcomings. Instead, we can let the unfortunate
incident go and move on.
The following exercise is a simple one. But don’t underestimate its
usefulness.

BONUS EXERCISE #3

F IRST , describe one of your regrets. Perhaps you allowed an important

friendship to crumble. Maybe you neglected to stand up for yourself when
others unfairly blamed you for something. Or perhaps you regret not
learning a second language. Whatever the regret, write it down.
Second, describe the narrative your brain created to explain this
particular regret. For example, did it suggest that you’re a bad friend? Did it
insinuate that you’re cowardly? Did it propose that you’re lazy?
 Third, simply ask yourself “is this narrative true?”
You’ll find that asking this question will usually reveal that your brain
and inner critic are trying to peddle a false account. For example, perhaps
the friendship crumbled because your friend failed to return your calls.
Maybe you neglected to stand up for yourself because your attention was
focused on more urgent matters. Perhaps you haven’t yet learned a second
language because you prefer to devote your limited time to your family.
When we train ourself to question our personal narratives, we’re less
likely to get trapped in a cycle of self-recrimination. We can objectively
review why an unfortunate event happened to us without instinctively
blaming and berating ourself for it. This allows us to let it go, along with
the attendant regret, and get on with our life.

Time required: 15 minutes

 FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE ART OF LETTING GO

I t’s natural for us to hold on to our past. We remember good times with
fondness, reliving events that brought us true joy and happiness. We
recall bad times with a wistful nostalgia, replaying incidents that caused
us to feel sad, angry, or lonely.
Our memories inform our life. They allow us to travel back in time,
learn from the past, and make use of that insight in the present (and future).
But it’s easy to become trapped by the past. Painful memories, and the
negative emotions they evoke, haunt us and hold us back. Left unresolved,
they cling to us like a wet garment, causing us to obsess over things we
cannot change. Regret becomes our constant companion, preventing us
from enjoying true emotional freedom.
I wrote The Art of Letting GO to help you thwart this oppressive,
unnecessarily cruel mental process. My intent was to give you the tools you
need to finally silence the relentless voice of self-reproach and
condemnation and instead show yourself compassion, empathy, and
patience. I’m convinced this is the way to enjoy healthier relationships, a
more gratifying career, and ultimately a more productive and rewarding life.
We’ve come a long way since the first chapter. We’ve discussed a great
many ideas and concepts. We’ve covered numerous strategies that you can
use starting today and start releasing the emotional pain you’ve struggled
with.
 If you’ve been doing the exercises along the way, you’re already on the
path to enjoying life with less stress, less resentment, less regret, and less
mental anguish. Kudos to you!
If you have yet to do the exercises, you’re in for a treat. They require
time, attention, and energy, but you’ll find that they’ll help you to finally let
go of the negative thoughts and emotions that burden you.
One final note… I encourage you to revisit The Art of Letting GO
whenever you’re feeling angry, depressed, or downtrodden by life. You
don’t necessarily have to read the entire book again. Rather, simply look
through the table of contents and revisit the section that resonates with you
in that moment.
And with that, I wish you all the happiness you desire and deserve.
Enjoy the journey!
 DID YOU ENJOY READING THE ART OF
LETTING GO?

T hanks so much for taking the time to read The Art Of Letting GO. I
greatly appreciate that you chose to spend some of your limited time
with me.
If you enjoyed reading The Art Of Letting GO, would you do me a small
favor? Would you leave a short review for the book at Amazon? A sentence
or two about something you liked would mean the world to me. Your words
will encourage other folks to read the book.
One last thing before we part ways. I plan to write a few more books
over the next twelve months. I’ll likely release each of them at a steep
discount for a limited time; you’ll be able to grab each one for less than $1.
If you’d like to be notified when these books are released, and take
advantage of the discounted price, be sure to join my mailing list. You’ll
also receive my 40-page PDF ebook titled Catapult Your Productivity! The
Top 10 Habits You Must Develop to Get More Things Done.
You can join my list at the following address:

http://artofproductivity.com/free-gift/

I’ll also send you my best productivity and time management tips via
my email newsletter. You’ll receive tips and tactics on beating
procrastination, creating morning routines, avoiding burnout, and
developing razor-sharp focus, along with many other productivity hacks!
 If you have questions or would like to share a tip, technique, or mind
hack that has made a positive difference in your life, please feel free to
reach out to me at [email protected]. I’d love to hear about it!

Until next time,

Damon Zahariades
http://artofproductivity.com
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Damon Zahariades is a corporate refugee who endured years of unnecessary meetings, drive-by chats
with coworkers, and a distraction-laden work environment before striking out on his own. Today, in
addition to writing a growing catalog of time management and productivity books, he’s the
showrunner for the productivity blog ArtofProductivity.com.
In his spare time, he enjoys playing chess, poker, and the occasional video game with friends.
And he continues to promise himself that he’ll start playing the guitar again.
Damon lives in Southern California with his beautiful, supportive wife and their affectionate,
quirky, and sometimes mischievous dog. He’s looking wistfully at his 50th birthday in the rearview
mirror.
 OTHER BOOKS BY DAMON ZAHARIADES

How to Make Better Decisions

14 proven tactics to overcome indecision, consistently make smart choices, and create a rewarding
life in the process!

The Mental Toughness Handbook

The definitive, step-by-step guide to developing mental toughness! Exercises included!

To-Do List Formula

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The Art Of Saying NO

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and inspire others' respect in the process!

The Procrastination Cure

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procrastinator!

Fast Focus
Here’s a proven system that’ll help you to ignore distractions, develop laser-sharp focus, and
skyrocket your productivity!

The 30-Day Productivity Plan

Need a daily action plan to boost your productivity? This 30-day guide is the solution to your time
management woes!

The 30-Day Productivity Plan - VOLUME II

30 MORE bad habits that are sabotaging your time management - and how to overcome them one
day at a time!

The Time Chunking Method

It's one of the most popular time management strategies used today. Triple your productivity with this
easy 10-step system.

80/20 Your Life!

Achieve more, create more, and enjoy more success. How to get more done with less effort and
change your life in the process!

Small Habits Revolution

Change your habits to transform your life. Use this simple, effective strategy for adopting any new
habit you desire!

Morning Makeover
Imagine waking up excited, energized, and full of self-confidence. Here's how to create morning
routines that lead to explosive success!

The Joy Of Imperfection

Finally beat perfectionism, silence your inner critic, and overcome your fear of failure!

The P.R.I.M.E.R. Goal Setting Method

An elegant 6-step system for achieving extraordinary results in every area of your life!

Digital Detox
Disconnect to reconnect. Discover how to unplug and enjoy a more mindful, meaningful, and
rewarding life!

For a complete list, please visit

http://artofproductivity.com/my-books/
Copyright © 2022 by Damon Zahariades

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