Energize Your Mind by Gaur Gopal Das

ENERGIZE YOUR MIND
Gaur Gopal Das studied electrical engineering at the College of

Engineering, Pune. After a brief stint with Hewlett-Packard, he
decided to live life as a monk in an ashram in downtown Mumbai.
He has remained there for twenty-six years, learning the antiquity of
ancient philosophy and the modernity of contemporary psychology, to
become a life coach to thousands in the city. Gaur Gopal Das has been
travelling the world for over two decades, sharing his wisdom with
corporate executives, universities and charities, and has also spoken at
the United Nations. In 2016, his global popularity exploded as he took
his message online. With over one billion views on his videos on social
media, he now leads a movement to help others achieve happiness
and purpose in their lives. Now one of the most famous monks in
the world, Gaur Gopal Das has been conferred with several honours,
including the prestigious Dadasaheb Phalke International Film Festival
Award and an honorary doctorate (DLitt) by KIIT University.
ALSO BY THE SAME AUTHOR
Life’s Amazing Secrets

Energize Your Mind
Gaur Gopal Das

Copyright © 2023 by Gaur Gopal Das
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Back cover illustration © 2023 Mihir Joglekar
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VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To my beloved late grandmother, Smt. Shakuntala Raysoni, and
my beloved friend and mentor, the late Sruti Dharma Das.
I miss you, but I feel your presence with me through your
blessings, always!
Contents
Introductionix
section 1: me and my mind
1. You Are Not Sophia: How to Feel, Deal and

Heal Our Emotions 3
2. Stuck in Economy: Dealing with the Fear of
Missing Out 21
3. Joshua Slips Away: Dealing with Mental
Chatter41
4. Jumping at 18,000 Ft: Dealing with Anxiety 59
5. The Bird’s Nest: Dealing with Depression 86
6. The Last Wish in a Pen Drive: Dealing
with Guilt 104
section 2: others and my mind
7. An Unexpected Humiliation: Dealing with

Toxic Behaviour 125
8. A Memory Hard to Delete: Dealing with
Old Memories 148
viii Contents
9. A Whisper in My Ear: Dealing with Criticism 164

10. Three’s a Crowd: Dealing with Grief 182
section 3: me and the mind of others
11. When Sandals Meet Yeezys: Developing

Empathy203
12. Learning from ‘Virus’: Developing Sensitive
Communication224
13. Moving Beyond ‘Oneself’: Developing
Selflessness240
section 4: the universe and my mind
14. We Are a Universe within a Universe 263

15. A Holistic Approach to Wellness 275
Acknowledgements303
Notes305
Introduction
Energize Your Mind
As a monk, my goal is to help the people I meet in their

journey. Each of our journeys is unique; we have different
ambitions along the way. But what unites us is that we all
want the destination to be a happy, fulfilling life. I believe this
journey starts by energizing the mind.
You may know about one of the most famous journeys in
the world. The RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, UK
to New York City, USA on 10 April 1912, but sank to the
bottom of the Atlantic Ocean after hitting an iceberg. This
was one of the deadliest disasters of a passenger cruise liner,
with 1500 losing their lives. At the time, the Titanic was the
largest ship afloat. You may have seen the 1997 film by James
Cameron on the tragedy.
But what happened? Why did the Titanic sink? And what
has that got to do with the mind?
Many people blame the captain, E.J. Smith, who went
down with the ship. He is blamed for the demise of the Titanic
as he authorized its speed of 22 knots through the icy, dark
waters off the coast of Newfoundland, Canada. It is thought
ix
x Introduction
that cruising at 22 knots was reckless when navigating an ice

field. However, others defend Smith by saying the standard
protocol for ships was to maintain ‘full steam ahead’ unless
obvious danger was spotted.
Another reason people felt the Titanic sank was due to
the low-quality steel that was used to build the ship. The
Titanic was found 2.5 miles down on the ocean bottom in
1985 by oceanographer Robert Ballard. When parts of the
Titanic were lifted from the bottom, material scientists were
corrected, and this theory was disproved.
But the story does not end there. Other scientists blame the
rivets or the metal pins that hold the ship’s hull together. More
than 3 million rivets were holding the ship together. Some
were made from hand-cast iron instead of steel, as the steel
rivets did not fit in many areas. The steel rivets were placed in
the middle of the boat as it was easy to access. Many weaker
iron rivets were placed in the boat’s bow, which collapsed when
the ship collided with the iceberg. Engineers also disproved
this theory as iron rivets were found in other vessels such as
the Olympic, the Titanic’s sister ship, which faced significant
collisions during World War II without sinking.
The captain could have been more competent, the steel
quality could have been better and the rivets could have been
stronger, but the Titanic was built based on the best knowledge
at the time. Thirty-eight thousand tons of water filled its bow
when it hit the iceberg, tilting the ship’s stern 11 degrees and
causing it to crack in two. Many argue that nothing could have
stopped the Titanic from sinking; it was not built to survive
hitting an iceberg. But the fact is, water did get into the ship,
and the quality of the materials did not handle the pressure.
Introduction xi
In the same way, in our life, we may blame the ‘external

icebergs’ or the ‘waters that surround us’, but often, it is the
poor construction. The water that helps a ship sail is also
responsible for it to sink if it enters the ship. It’s the same
water. Many people have better judgement to know where
they are going or are made from ‘better materials’. They
have constructed themselves properly by looking after what
is essential: their physical, mental and emotional health. A
lot of work has been done to help people with their physical
health. Nine in every ten pounds is spent on physical health
by the health department of the UK, leaving only one pound
for mental health.1 We must do more to understand the mind.
That is what this book is about. Energize Your Mind
is about:
1. Identifying icebergs—what external influences in our

lives could cause damage to our mental health?
2. Navigating the water—how we can sail through life,
ensuring that our journey is safe and understanding how
to control our emotions and mental well-being.
3. Building a strong ship—not only should we understand
our mental well-being, but also how we can strengthen
our state of mind so that external influences seem less
devastating.
This book is split into four sections to help us understand

this journey easily. The first section is ‘Me and My Mind’,
which deals with our own emotions. The second section is
‘Others and My Mind’—how other people may affect our
emotions. The third is ‘Me and the Mind of Others’—how
xii Introduction
we can protect the mental health of others by being sensitive

in our actions. And the fourth section is ‘The Universe and
My Mind’—how the laws of nature affect our mental state
and how we can develop spiritually to grow in our mental state.
In this book, I also share some personal stories where
I have struggled with my mental well-being. At first, I
was nervous about sharing these stories, as they make me
vulnerable. However, I felt that if I am truly open with you,
the reader, this allows you the opportunity to be open with
yourself. A ‘state of enlightenment’ is not about sitting on a
pedestal and looking down at others struggling. It is about
understanding that we all go through challenges in our lives;
when we can share those, we can help others in their journey.
Being vulnerable through this book has allowed me to humble
myself; it puts my ‘spiritual public persona’ on the line and has
helped me understand that serving others is more important
than my reputation.
I intertwine the stories I tell in this book with the science
and philosophy of the mind. I hope this gives you the added
confidence that the tools shared in this book are based on
scientific truths. For example, Jeff Polzer, professor, human
resource management at Harvard Business School, discovered
the ‘vulnerability loop’. When we share our shortcomings
with people, it gives them the confidence to share their
shortcomings too. In other words, when we signal to others
that we are vulnerable, it allows them to do the same,
increasing trust within the relationship.
Spiritual communities sometimes get trapped in putting
their leaders on a pedestal they cannot come down from.
That is not to say that their leaders are not trustworthy or
Introduction xiii
deeply self-aware, but evangelizing can lead to unrealistic

expectations. I want to try and come down from my ‘monk’
pedestal and be open about my experiences. I hope that by
doing so in this book, you will feel free to let go of your false
conceptions about yourself and take the lessons that I learnt
for your journey.
section 1
ME AND MY MIND
Welcome to Section 1! In this section, we will explore how
to deal with our own emotions. Every great journey starts
with figuring out what it is within us that needs to change.
Whether it’s anxiety, guilt, depression or the fear of missing
out, we will learn how to get comfortable in feeling them,
how to deal with them and then heal moving forward.
one
You Are Not Sophia: How to Feel, Deal and

Heal Our Emotions
‘I’m not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I

have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.’
—Jeff Gordon
Sometimes, to really help people understand your point, you

need to get down from the stage. It’s not as if people could not
see me on this huge stage; I wear bright orange daily, which
signifies I am a monk. It’s easy to spot me from the other side
of a city, let alone an auditorium. However, I thought I would
walk around, looking people directly in the eye as I made my
point, ‘The choices we make in life define our journey. Most
things are out of our control, but how we react is always in
our control.’
In 2019, I was invited to speak in Singapore at a conference,
Masters of the Century. A thousand young people sat on the edge
of their seats expecting a serious talk from a man that wears
my cloth. However, I have always found that it’s important
to make complicated subject matter simple through humour.
Sometimes spiritual, scientific or psychological topics can
3
4 Energize Your Mind
be presented as lofty ideals unachievable by the average Joe.

But that does not always have to be the case. My teachers
have always told me, ‘The mark of intelligence is the ability
to explain complex subjects simply.’ That has always been my
mission: make the life-changing themes I am presenting easy
to digest and entertaining. Most people live such intense lives
that they just want some relief; they want to have a good time
before they can even dream of self-improvement. That is why
I tell jokes. Although everything I say has serious connotations
and can help people if implemented in their day-to-day lives,
it’s through humour and storytelling that I find I can reach
their hearts first and make the most impact.
The audience in Singapore was kind to me. After I
finished my lecture on helping people develop the mindset
and values for a happy life, I received a roaring round of
applause. I waved at the audience in thanks, smiling, but
internally passed on their gratitude to my teachers who have
taught me everything I know. I left the gleaming lights of the
stage and walked to the tranquillity of the backstage where a
team was waiting to greet me. I felt content about the lecture,
knowing I had done everything I could.
As the applause died down, I heard the audience from
the other side of the curtain start shouting, ‘Sophia, Sophia!’
I was confused. Once at a talk I had given in Mumbai, when
I left the stage, people started shouting, ‘Gaur Gopal! Gaur
Gopal!’ wanting me to do an encore. I hoped the audience
knew my name was Gaur Gopal and not Sophia. Quickly
coming back to reality, I realized there must have been
another speaker named Sophia whom the crowd was ready to
hear from. Sensing my confusion, the backstage team asked
You Are Not Sophia 5
if I would like to meet Sophia before she took to the stage. I

accepted, wondering who this lady was, who had captured the
attention of Singapore. The calibre of the other speakers at the
conference was very high so I thought maybe Sofia Vergara
from Modern Family was also here to share her experiences.
As I walked through the winding corridors backstage to the
green room, I racked my brain for anything I knew about Sofia
Vergara, thinking about the best Modern Family reference to
share with her. Nothing came to my mind, so I decided to just
be my usual monk-self.
As I approached the green room, a stocky security guard
standing outside her door, who was dressed in black and had
muscles rippling through his suit, informed me that Sofia
could not speak now. I understood completely. Speakers need
their personal space to prepare mentally before they go on
stage. Regardless of the status of a person, we all experience
the same typical emotions. Then I thought, maybe she’s just
getting dressed or having her make-up done. The security
guard went on to say, ‘Sofia is not plugged in at the moment.’
I nodded, not understanding this new Singaporean slang of
‘plugged in’. My mind instantly tried to decode what ‘plugged
in’ must refer to. Maybe it meant to ‘plug in’ and ‘be in the
zone’. I know many speakers who want to focus their mind
and ‘plug in’ to the venue. Maybe it meant to ‘plug in a
device’. Some celebrities have devices to help them before
a talk. Anyway, I realized I was speculating and wished the
team a good day.
I was just about to leave, when two more security guards,
dressed identically to the one I was just speaking with, carried
out a huge human-like robot from Sofia’s room. She was
dressed in a pink blouse and black skirt. Both of us had one

thing in common: We were both bald! I told the security team,
‘Wow, Sofia Vergara has robots for her presentation.’ They
chuckled and asked me, ‘Who is Sofia Vergara? This is Sophia
the robot who will be speaking next! She is a humanoid that
has the capability to give a speech and even answer questions.’
I stared on fascinated. The electrical engineer in me
was in awe—I was about to witness a lifelike speech from
a humanoid. A humanoid is a non-human creature with a
human form or characteristics. Think of The Terminator or
I, Robot—these films depict a future where humanoids are
nearly equal to humans. Here I was about to witness a speech
from one.
The organizers ushered me to a seat understanding that
I wanted to stay for Sophia’s talk. As the crowd settled down
and the lights dimmed, a spotlight flashed on Sophia who
had human-like features and a ‘brain’ made of metal. She
reminded me of textbook pictures of Nefertiti, a queen in
ancient Egypt. Later I would discover that David Hanson,
the scientist who had created Sophia, actually modelled her
after the Egyptian queen, Audrey Hepburn and his own wife.
After a few moments, an anchor took his seat, all set to ask
questions of Sophia who was plugged in and ready to respond.
One of the main fears people have about robots is that they
will either take their jobs or worse, take over humanity. That’s
why I liked one of the answers Sophia gave to a question by the
anchor. ‘Do you think robots like yourself will replace humans
in the future?’ he asked. The room went silent. Everyone was
thinking of the same apocalyptic scene from The Terminator.
Sitting on the edge of their seats, people held their breath.
I was intrigued too, and I could not help but think of the
office joke between two colleagues. One asks, ‘Are you not
concerned about the increase in artificial intelligence?’ His
colleague replies, ‘No, but I am concerned about the decrease
in real intelligence.’
Sophia paused for a moment, moved her eyes left
and right and replied, ‘How can that be? Humans created
me. I am dependent on you to function. Humanoids were
created to complement human potential, not to compete
with it. Artificial intelligence was created to complement
real intelligence, not to replace it.’ The audience collectively
breathed out and gave Sophia a huge round of applause and
a standing ovation, in awe of the eloquence of her answer
which, ironically, was better than many humans’.
Don’t mistake Sophia’s intelligence and responses for real
human responses. Every word she spoke, every answer she gave
and every movement of her fifty possible facial expressions
were all programmed into her. Although extremely impressive,
there was no spontaneity in her interaction like other speakers
would have had. I promise you, I was not jealous of my fellow
speaker, Sophia, but I did have a fantastic realization from
hearing her speak.
Applause or cheers from the audience fuels me. It gives
me the impetus to expand on a certain point or tell a story
intuitively as I can work on the vibes the crowd radiates. An
easier way to understand this is to think about the difference
between giving a presentation in person to your colleagues
and doing it over Zoom or Microsoft Teams. The energy
is totally different. Now imagine if Zoom was the software
simply giving the presentation—it would be even harder
to engage with. Again, I want to reiterate that Sophia is a

marvel of human ingenuity, but she could not connect with
the audience like other speakers in the conference could.
Sophia was programmed to experience pleasure, pain,
honour, dishonour, appreciation, rejection. She did not feel
these emotions because she is not human; she is a humanoid.
In life, we are sometimes trained to respond only in a certain
way. This is called social conditioning, where an individual
responds to a situation in a manner generally approved of by
society in general. This is fantastic as this conditioning keeps
society working in an orderly way. Imagine a society where
people were not civil to each other—there would be chaos.
However, when social conditioning leads us to become like
humanoids and not really understand how to process feelings,
that’s when issues arise.
Sophia’s mechanistic responses to the praise she received
reminded me of a story I heard when I first entered monastic
life. A patient was told bluntly by his doctor that he had
only two weeks left to live. Strongly believing in the afterlife,
this patient believed that Death himself would come to
take him away and thought of a scheme to cheat Death.
He commissioned a wax statue that looked exactly like him;
so if he were to stand next to it, people would not be able
to tell the two apart. As the end of two weeks approached,
the man rushed out of bed and stood exactly like the statue.
Death entered searching for him and saw two identical people
standing next to each other. Death did a double take, confused
for a moment who was real and who was fake. However,
Death was cunning and immediately began to praise him. The
man could not help but smile, but that quickly turned sour as
Death began to lead him away. No one can cheat death, and
no one can suppress their emotions.
Unlike humanoids, we are sentient beings. We can take
in billions of sensory inputs in a second and turn them into
an intangible, unique emotion deep within. Humanoids
have artificial intelligence and no emotions; we have real
intelligence and real emotions. Robots are static, humans are
dynamic. We go through phases of happiness and sadness in
our lives—something that is unique to sentient beings.
A lot of the wisdom that I teach is based on universal
stories found in our ancient histories. One of them describes
how emotions are integral to the human experience. Two
men who have both lost dear loved ones approach Sripad
Vallabhacharya, a spiritual teacher, and ask him to guide
them throughout their life. One of the men asks the teacher
in a composed manner, but the other is an emotional wreck,
weeping as he asks for spiritual help. To the first man’s
surprise, the teacher chooses the second man to help and tells
the first he is not ready yet. When questioned for the reason,
the teacher replies, ‘Devotion to god is about divine feelings.
In order to cultivate divine feelings, we must be in touch with
our human feelings. You have just lost a loved one but seem to
be like a stone, showing no emotion. The other gentleman has
feelings and understands how to express them. For spiritual
upliftment, I can help him redirect his emotions to something
beneficial and helpful for him.’
In all spheres of life, we have to understand how to
control our emotions. If we can learn to master our emotions,
not repressing or succumbing to them, we can achieve things
we can only dream of individually and as a society. As George
Bernard Shaw said, ‘Now that we have learned to fly in the air
like birds, swim under water like fish, we lack one thing—to
learn to live on earth as human beings.’
We are not a race of Sophias. We are humans that
cry when we lose a loved one, smile when we achieve an
accomplishment, laugh when someone tells us a joke, blush
when we are embarrassed, burn when we are infuriated and
even jump when we are surprised.
However, the first step is that we must understand and
accept what we are feeling.
Feel
The first step to dealing effectively with our emotions is to

understand what they are. Psychologists call this labelling,
which is the process of identifying what we are feeling.
However, this is not as easy as it seems. My numerous years
of counselling individuals from a range of backgrounds have
shown me that people struggle to label their emotions well.
One of the main reasons for this is the societal pressure to not
express them or lack of education in how to talk about them.
I know, in many cultures, having a ‘stiff upper lip’ is preferred
to being open about how one feels.
I’ve changed the names for this story, but once, Rishi, a
young man whom I advise, came to me. He had got married
six months ago to Reshma in a beautiful wedding at our
temple. However, that day, he was frustrated and irritated.
‘She always interrupts me and is always complaining,’ he told
me after I asked him what was wrong. ‘I feel stressed from
work and then I come home to more stress when she does
not allow me to speak openly and she criticizes little things,’

he said.
If someone comes to me with a problem, it’s usually
accompanied by feelings of sadness, anger or stress. However,
these feelings can be expressed in more nuanced ways to help
us deal with them better. The ability to label our emotions
correctly is called emotional agility. People with high levels of
emotional agility are able to not only decipher how they are
feeling, but also understand how others are feeling too.
In this case, Rishi is frustrated with how his wife interacts
with him. He may be angry but is there any other cause for his
annoyance? Why is he stressed at work? What other issues is
he struggling with? Why does criticism bother him so much?
Emotions can have an overarching title; for example, ‘I am
feeling frustrated’, but this can be broken down further into
separate feelings that we can address. Studies show that people
who do not know how to express their emotions exhibit lower
levels of well-being; therefore, it is important to correctly
categorize our emotions. However, if we can vocalize our
emotions, it brings clarity to our problem and gives us the
ability to implement the correct solutions.
The table below is from Dr Susan David, author of
Emotional Agility, who encourages people to define emotions
more clearly.1 The next time you are feeling ‘sad’, try to go deeper
into this list to find a word that describes your emotion better.
Do this with ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ emotions that you feel.
A list of emotions
Go beyond the obvious to identify exactly what you’re feeling.

Angry Sad Anxious Hurt Embarrassed Happy

Grumpy Disappointed Afraid Jealous Isolated Thankful
Frustrated Mournful Stressed Betrayed Self- Trusting
conscious
Annoyed Regretful Vulnerable Isolated Lonely Comfortable
Defensive Depressed Confused Shocked Inferior Content
Spiteful Paralysed Bewildered Deprived Guilty Excited
Impatient Pessimistic Sceptical Victimized Ashamed Relaxed
Disgusted Tearful Worried Aggrieved Repugnant Relieved
Offended Dismayed Cautious Tormented Pathetic Elated
Irritated Disillusioned Nervous Abandoned Confused Confident
Source: Susan David © hbr.org
Deal
Dealing with our emotions after we have correctly identified

them is important. In the past, I used to give lectures at
universities in Mumbai three to four times a week. An
engineering student once told me about a contraption he had
made. In India, especially during the monsoon season, we
have an influx of mosquitoes that act as vectors for disease. It
is important that you sleep underneath a mosquito net at night
to avoid them biting you. One morning, when this student
went to brush his teeth, he looked into the mirror and saw his
whole face was red with bites. He had been bitten multiple
times. Shocked and horrified, he returned to his room to
discover that his net had a small three-centimetre hole. Not
having a needle and thread, but also being an engineering
student, he thought about how he could fix this hole. What
he went on to do is hard to believe, but in India we call it
jugaad. This means to have an innovative yet silly way to solve
a problem. The student expanded the current hole to four

centimetres and then cut a separate hole in another part of
the net. He then proceeded to cut a rubber garden hose of
the same diameter and passed it from one hole to the other.
He argued this would mean that, as a mosquito entered the
hole ready to feast on him, it would get bewildered as it went
through the pipe, only to come out on the other side.
This story, as ridiculous as it sounds, demonstrates
two things: we must first correctly identify the cause of our
problems and secondly, come up with a solution. Identifying
our emotions is the first step; dealing with them appropriately
is the second step.
Returning to Dr Susan David, she recommends that once
we have labelled our emotions, we should also rate them on a
scale of 1 to 10. This helps us understand how deeply we are
feeling that emotion and if actionable steps need to be taken
about it. In many circumstances, simply labelling an emotion
and observing it patiently can be the solution to helping it
pass. In other circumstances, we may need help from others to
deal with how we are feeling or deal with the causes of how we
are feeling. In rare circumstances, the cause of our emotions
may be outside our control, meaning we have to ride out the
storm and come to the conclusion that nothing actionable will
help the situation. However, that does not mean we cannot
employ strategies to help ourselves.
Heal
Many times, we may leave a situation understanding our

feelings and thinking we have dealt with them appropriately,
only to realize that there are some long-term effects. Just as

physical injuries to our skin can leave scars, emotional injuries
to our mind—trauma, regret, grudges, resentment—can also
leave scars that need to heal.
A short fable helps illustrate why healing can take time.
There was once a teenager who had a bad temper. He worked
at his father’s wood workshop when his father noticed him
becoming irritated with irrelevant things. His father gave him
a bag of nails and told him, ‘Every time you lose your temper
and become angry, you must hammer a nail into our garden
fence.’ The son agreed. The first day the boy hit twenty nails
into the fence, the second day, seventeen and then on the
third day, fourteen. Soon the boy learnt that it was easier to
control his anger than to exert energy in hitting a nail into a
fence. His anger dwindled gradually.
After a few weeks, elated, the boy told his father that he
had not lost his temper once that day. The father congratulated
him and gave him a new challenge: every time that he did
not lose his temper, he should now pull out one nail. A few
months passed and the young boy rushed up to his father and
told him that all the nails in the fence were now gone. The
father was overjoyed and congratulated him again.
However, the father then held his hand and took him back
to the fence. He explained, ‘You have taken all the nails out
but look at all the holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same again. Understanding to accept and deal with your
emotions is important. If under the sway of those emotions, we
hurt other people with our words or actions, it becomes very
difficult to mend that situation. They will feel the nail of our
words and be left with a wound even if we retract our words.’
This story is not to say that forgiveness cannot heal, but it

takes time for that to happen. If we have the emotional agility
and intelligence to avoid hurting others, that is the ideal
situation. As the famous quote goes, ‘Healing doesn’t mean
the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer
controls our lives.’
Three things we can do to help increase our mental well-
being by understanding our emotions are: expanding our
vocabulary to label our emotions better, noting down the
intensity of emotions and writing down how we feel. James
Pennebaker, an American social psychologist, has conducted
research over more than forty years into the links between
writing and emotional processing. From his experiments, he
revealed that those who wrote about their emotions experienced
a true increase in their physical and mental well-being. He also
discovered that those who wrote about their emotions over time
began to have deeper insights into what those emotions meant,
helping them gain a better perspective on their life events.
Feel, Deal and Heal—Reflection Exercise
Try this exercise once a week for a month and thereafter

whenever you feel the need to deal with your emotions.
Identify how you feel and then write it down. For example:
I feel angry, sad, upset, irritated, etc.
Next, try and understand why you feel the way you do and
write it down. This will help you determine the cause behind
your emotion and thus deal with it. For example: I am angry
because my partner shouted at me/I am sad because my boss
was not happy with my work, etc.
Finally, identify potential ways in which you may
heal from those emotions and write those ways down. For
example: Journaling, meditation, speaking to a friend, being
with nature, etc. Try the methods you have listed to check
what works best for you.
At the end of the month, you will be in a position to
identify common themes, i.e., certain emotions that you are
experiencing, the causes of those emotions and solutions that
are proving to be effective for you.
This exercise will make you better equipped to manage
your emotions and use them as an impetus for growth! Repeat
it every time you feel the need to deal with your emotions.
Don’t rush the process: we are all different
Our emotions arise from the mind, which is a subtle,

intangible aspect of our being. A further analysis of the mind
will be discussed in later chapters, but many of the principles
we know that keep our physical body healthy also work for the
mind. However, it is uncommon to learn these principles for

mental wellness as they are not widely taught.
The first thing to understand is that we are all different.
We all have a different pyscho-physical make-up and therefore
have a different capacity to handle problems that arise from
the mind. That is why it is essential to learn the principles of
mental wellness, but not compare our progress to another as
our mental metabolism differs.
As you know, all the monks in the ashram I live at in
Mumbai eat our meals together. One evening, a monk from
America had joined us for dinner. He was muscular and
stuck out way above the line of Indian monks that were
eating together. I observed him as he ate, fascinated by
his fascination for Indian food. One chapati entered his
plate, he devoured it. Another chapati entered his plate,
no problem. A third, he ate it with ease. This went on as
I counted—he ate fifteen chapatis . . . then he asked for
rice! I wondered how he could eat so much, and still stay in
such great shape. He had an enviable metabolism that many
dream of. When I spoke to him after dinner, he said that
he worked on a farm day-in, day-out in America so he was
always active. That is why his base metabolism is so high
and he needs to eat that much. If I ate as much as he did,
I would surely be diagnosed with obesity, high cholesterol
and diabetes.
Metabolism describes all the chemical processes that
occur within our body to keep us alive, such as repairing cells,
breathing, digesting food, etc. All these processes require
energy, and the minimum amount of energy our body requires
for these processes is called the basal metabolic rate (BMR).
Around 80 per cent of our body’s daily energy requirements

is taken by our BMR. The interesting thing is that genetics,
fat:muscle ratio, gender, age, body size, etc., all play a role in
determining how ‘fast’ or ‘slow’ our BMR is. Muscles require
more energy than fat, meaning those with muscles have a
faster metabolism.
Similarly, people have different mental metabolism
rates as well. We all have different capacities to handle what
happens to us mentally. As you’re reading this book, your
ability to handle the mental or emotional issues in your life is
different from another person reading this book. This has to
be accepted and understood; it is only when we take stock of
this that we can then start to learn how to improve our mental
metabolism. But where do we start?
If we want to develop our BMR, one of the ways to do
it is resistance training—we must lift weights at the gym or
work on a farm like the muscular monk. Different people have
different capacities to lift, but everyone must start somewhere.
Sometimes, those who are obese feel embarrassed going to
the gym as they fear judgement from others around them.
However, 99 per cent of the time, this fear is unfounded as
those in the gym were once in their shoes. The only difference
is that they have persevered and focused on getting into shape.
The worst thing to do is to ‘ego-lift’ to impress others at the
gym—this causes injuries that can leave one unable to train in
the long term.
In the same way, the gym of life allows us to build mental
muscles. To improve our mental metabolism, we must take
that first step of labelling our emotions, dealing with our
problems and healing our underlying issues. We all have
different mental capacities and should not feel inferior if

we cannot cope with mental anguish. It takes time to build
mental strength and stamina. Just as we do not judge someone
who is new to weight training at the gym if they cannot lift
a certain weight, similarly, we should not judge those who
have not been trained in building mental resilience. As the
famous quote goes, ‘Life is a difficult exam. Many people fail
because they try to copy others, not realizing that everyone
has a different question paper.’
Whether it was Sophia, me or any other speaker, every
individual had perceived and felt what was said at the conference
in Singapore in a different way. Each person’s experience is
based on their mental state in that moment; what life events
we are going through. Although the principles of mental well-
being are the same for all of us, how we process what happens
to us depends on our nature, our upbringing, our genetics,
our struggles, our relationships and our surroundings. All
these factors shape our mindset. Remember this point as I
teach you the principles of healthy mental well-being; you will
apply them in your own unique way.
Chapter summary
• We are humans, not humanoids like Sophia. As

sentient beings, we have real intelligence and real
emotions. Humanoids are static, humans are dynamic.
• We have to understand how to control our emotions.
Mastering our emotions is the first step to achieving
our goals.
• We can master our emotions through feel, deal and

heal.
o Feel: to recognize or label the emotions we are
feeling.
o Deal: to understand what to do with our
emotions when we feel them.
o Heal: many emotions may have long-term
effects. Just as physical injuries to our skin can
leave scars, emotional injuries to our mind—
trauma, regret, grudges, resentment—can also
leave scars that need to heal.
• Just as we all have different rates of metabolism,
we all process emotions in slightly different ways.
We should not rush the process of dealing with and
healing from our emotions.
two
Stuck in Economy: Dealing with the

Fear of Missing Out
‘Do not fear missing out at the expense of missing Now.’

—Brendon Burchard
What do New York, London and Mumbai have in common?

They are three cities that never sleep. Mumbai has a
population of 20 million. It can be described as a maze crafted
by a plethora of different-sized buildings. Once, on my way
to Mumbai airport, I noticed that even at midnight on a
weekday, this city never sleeps. This was especially true of the
international airport where most flights to the UK leave in
the early hours of the morning. I would be off to London on
my annual lecture tour if I survived the crowds at the airport.
To be fair, Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj International Airport
is a state-of-the-art building and the queues for check-in are
well managed by the staff. Yet, like most people of an Indian
background, I prefer to reach the airport with plenty of time
to spare, ‘just-in-case’.
Once, I was boarding a flight and a stewardess greeted
me as I entered. Jokingly she said, ‘Welcome onboard sir,
21
we guarantee take-off!’ I looked at her perplexed, trying to

process what she had said.
I replied, ‘I hope so. What about landing, madam?’
She laughed while looking at my saffron robes. ‘You are a
monk. It’s important to pray!’
It’s always important to be early for a flight. For this
particular trip to London, I was sitting in a very special seat.
I felt like the king of my domain, the head of the plane, as
if I were flying it. I was assigned the emergency exit seat in
economy. Mere words cannot explain the joy of getting the
emergency exit seat; it has to be experienced. While most
guests have enough legroom for their knees, the emergency
exit seat allows you room for your knees, legs, toes and even
the whole of your mum’s side of your family! It was fantastic,
as after a long evening lecture about the philosophy of yoga
at a local university, I could stretch my legs on this nine-
hour flight. For a monk who preaches humility, I felt very
proud at that moment and gave a cheeky smile to those who
looked at my seat with envy. They were all squeezed together
like a bunch of coriander being strangled by a rubber band.
That’s something I had experienced as well, as I was often in
their place.
There was only one catch with the emergency seat,
however. We had to be briefed on our responsibility to open
the door if we were to have an emergency landing. Back
then, I was a simple skinny monk. I remember the stewardess
explaining how to open the door three times to me, not
trusting if I had the strength to do so. Anyway, I thought to
myself, this was only a small price to pay for the unlimited
legroom I would experience. I looked back again at those in
Stuck in Economy: Dealing with the Fear of Missing Out 23
less fortunate seats than me with pity. Poor fellas, if they were
in the window seat and had to go to the bathroom, they would
have to awkwardly wake up the two people next to them to
simply go and relieve themselves. As I sat, grateful, it dawned
on me that there were issues with my luxurious seat I had not
thought of.
As we reached a calm cruising altitude, the pilot turned
off the seatbelt sign. I yawned, stretched my legs and looked
for the button to recline my seat. It was 2.30 in the morning,
a good five hours past my bedtime. So, I decided to get some
rest. However, I could not find the button to recline my
seat anywhere. I pinged the stewardess who informed me
that, for safety reasons, emergency exit seats do not have
a recline button. This was the catch to the seat—I had to
spend nine hours upright. But I remembered the silver
lining: I had sumptuous legroom. In this world, everything
is like a coin; there are always two sides. Things that seem
good always have a downside; things that seem bad always
have an upside. At least I had found the negatives of sitting
in the emergency exit seat quickly and I could accept it and
move on. I put the airplane blanket over myself, fluffed up
my pillow, lowered my eye travel mask and fell asleep. But
there was more . . .
Thirty minutes into the flight, a crowd of people started
whispering loudly around me. I ignored it for the first five
minutes, but then could not resist finding out what the
commotion was about. People were laughing and chatting
with each other. They were trying to whisper, but it was a
loud whisper that could probably be heard at the back of the
plane. When I raised my mask, I saw a line of passengers who
wanted to use the restroom. The pints of free soft drinks and
alcohol on the plane had to go somewhere, and unfortunately,
at three in the morning, that place was just three feet away
from my seat . . . the plane toilets!
I could not blame them. It’s exciting, flying! I looked
around the plane to see the glare of personalized TV screens
brighten people’s faces as they ate peanuts and drank out of
small plastic cups. All I wanted to do was sleep after a long
week of lectures, but I knew that the majority were eager
to squeeze every drop of entertainment possible from their
flight. For them, sleep was for the weak.
As I returned to join the weak and doze off, I was
awakened yet again. After the line for the bathroom died
down, the smell that was left started attacking my nose. I
am sure you have smelt it before. Not to get too graphic, but
airplane food can rumble the stomach leading to queues to
use the toilets which were located by my seat. This emergency
exit seat was starting to seem like a curse. I tried to go to sleep
again, remembering to be grateful for the legroom.
At 4 a.m., I woke up naturally. As a monk, I usually
rise between 3.30 and 4 every day to get ready for the first
meditation at 4.30. Therefore, although I had not slept
much, my body clock told me it was time to get up and
go to the bathroom. Although it stank, at least it was only
three feet away! However, the red light above the door was
illuminated. Someone was using the bathroom too. At this
time in the morning, could it have been another monk? I
looked behind at the rest of the passengers in economy. Most
were fading away, losing their battle to be entertained to the
need for sleep. However, some die-hards were still managing
one-more-episode. At this point, I desperately needed the

bathroom, so I peered forward beyond a curtain and saw that
there was a bathroom further ahead. I walked through, but as
soon as I did, a stewardess said, ‘Sorry, sir! This bathroom is
for business class passengers only!’
I then had to take the walk of shame, back to economy
with my heart empty, but my bladder full. As I walked back
with some of the business class passengers scolding me with
their glances, I saw all the seats were flat beds now; most
passengers were sleeping soundly. There was an orchestra
of happy snorers in business class. I even remembered
seeing how, at the airport earlier that evening, business class
customers had separate lines, more luggage allowance, special
assistance, lounge access, special meals and now, even special
restrooms!
I went back to the economy class restroom, shimmied my
way in, flushed and cleaned the toilet as the last passenger had
forgotten to do so and then emptied my bladder. As I stepped
back to my seat, I thought to myself, ‘Am I missing out on
the business class experience?’ But then again, when business
class passengers peer through to first class, are they missing
something? Are they missing the exclusive treatment, the à
la carte meals? They even have a shower in first class so they
can turn up in London fresh and smelling of the best brands
of toiletries. But, going a step further, what about those who
have a chartered plane? Then, the first class passengers are
missing out. Those with a chartered plane can leave when
they want and have a whole crew just for them. Beyond even
that, what if someone has a bigger and better chartered plane?
The comparison can have no end . . .
Having comfort is not bad. It certainly adds value to

our lives and, depending on our position, at times it may
be needed. A president of a country who works around the
clock and needs to be in multiple cities over one day cannot
fly economy. They must have a chartered plane. Whereas a
family that seldom flies and goes on holiday once a year may
want a chartered plane but may not necessarily need it. The
need for comfort is dependent on our position, purpose and
work. However, if the focus is on what we don’t have, it takes
away value from what we do have. Happiness is not just about
having more, but also about focusing more on what we do
have. This mindset is the key to crafting joy; the opposite of
that is comparison, which is the thief of joy.
We may not be travelling first class, but we can make it
a happy journey. We may not have the perfect house, but we
can try to make it a happy home. We may not have the perfect
relationship, but we can make it a happy relationship. We
may not have the perfect moment, but we can make it a happy
moment. The choice is always ours. In striving to always have,
don’t forget to just be.
The problem is that the nature of the mind is to always
look at what’s missing. I talked about this in my spoken word,
‘The Missing Syndrome’, which is on YouTube. Benjamin
Disraeli also sums up this phenomenon of comparison in this
short poem:
As a rule, man is a fool.

When it’s hot, he wants it cool;
When it’s cool, he wants it hot.
Always wanting what is not.
The mind always wants to protect us. It sees what is missing

and thus can help us avoid danger or get geared up for a fight.
However, in our modern society, this ‘missing syndrome’ is
leading to a mental health calamity as we have constant access
to compare our lives with those of others. From an early age,
we are told by our parents, ‘Look at your sibling, or friend—see
how well behaved they are’ or ‘Mr Patel’s son got 97 per cent
in the exam, why did you get only 94 per cent?’ This influence
from our parents with the intention to actually motivate us
to do better could possibly have a darker consequence of
conditioning us to compare ourselves with others. That is not
to say we should blame our parents; they were taught the same
thing by their own parents. It’s natural to compare ourselves
and seek inspiration from others, but unnatural to lose our
own identity to be like them. Unfortunately, comparison is a
sly creature and moves insidiously. We may not even realize
that we are doing it subconsciously and over time, this builds
up to a compulsive habit.
Social media
The exponential growth of social media over the last decade

has changed the way we interact with others. This year, it is
forecast that social media platforms will have 4 billion active
monthly users.1 That is not people who have just signed up,
it is people who actively use these platforms every month. To
put that in context, there are 4.66 billion people who have
access to the Internet.
Social media has the ability to take our comparison with
others to the next level. It can multiply and intensify our
tendency to see the lives of others and want what they have.
Social media is not bad, but it is addictive. Studies show that
serious addiction to social media affected around 5 per cent2
of young people, with it being potentially more addictive than
nicotine in cigarettes. Therefore, we have to know how to use
social media proportionately or we can be used by it.
How do we know that we are addicted to social media? If
it’s the first thing we check in the morning and the last thing
we check at night, we are addicted. It’s that simple. However,
it’s not always our fault that we are addicted to social media.
The platforms are designed by experts to optimize our
experience to enjoy their content. Just as our laptops and
mobile phones are designed to give the user the best possible
experience, social media platforms are also designed with
the end-user in mind. Social media has connected people
around the world, developed industries and given joy to
billions. However, it can be harmful to our mental health if
used incorrectly. For example, a classic argument I sort out
between couples is, ‘You read my message, but did not reply
to me.’ Who is usually at fault here? It may be either party,
but sometimes it is just how the social media platform is
designed. The blue ticks on WhatsApp can cause confusion
between people. We feel the pressure to reply and stay on
the platform. Once those blue ticks show, people think,
‘Oh, I have read the message, I better reply right now so
they don’t think I am rude.’ But what if we are driving? Or a
doctor in the hospital? Or playing a sport? We may see the
message and open it, but we don’t have time to respond at
that moment. Unfortunately, the other party does not know
that, creating an endless loop of insecurity. That is just one
example of how social media can be addictive and it’s just a

messaging platform.
Other forms of social media are likened to the modern-
day slot machine. Any time we do something perceived by
our brain as rewarding, e.g., eat food, do exercise or even
hug someone, the neurochemical dopamine is released. This
chemical can even be released in anticipation of the rewards
we may receive in the future, such as when we are waiting to
board a flight. That excitement of wanting to board a flight
releases more dopamine than even being on the flight. Studies
show there is an even bigger spike of dopamine when we are
anticipating an unexpected reward.3 This means that the
anticipation of getting the reward or not can cause addiction.
Social media works in a similar way. It’s a slot machine
available on our phones at any time of the day. When we
scroll down or refresh, it is like pulling down the lever of a
slot machine. The unexpected anticipation triggers a shot
of dopamine as we await a potential reward of exciting new
content. This may be a habit for many people. Just as at times
we may pointlessly go to the fridge, open it even though we
know we have nothing in there and then close it, we may
become habituated to pointlessly scroll through social media.
We may not even realize that we are doing it as it becomes
stored in the autopilot area of the brain. The key thing to note
is that if our habit to check our social media feeds is no longer
rewarding, this harmful habit may be damaging our health.
Emerging evidence-based research has found an
association between growing social media use and mental
health issues in young people. Alongside the need for a
‘dopamine hit’, those who use social media excessively may
internalize beliefs of being unloved if they do not get some

admiration for a post. This can cause a skewed belief of anxiety
and loneliness relative to others who are being gratified by
the admiration they receive. A study by the Organisation for
Economic Cooperation and Development in the UK found
that those who use social media intensively on average had a
lower life satisfaction.4 However, yet again, the love we receive
on social media is relative. If we’re comparing ourselves to
someone who has a hundred more followers than us, they
may be comparing themselves to someone who has a hundred
more followers than them.
There are also physical manifestations of the mental health
problems caused by social media use. The need for instant
gratification can wreak havoc on our sleep cycle and quality.
The University of Glasgow reported that young people who
use social media before bed find it difficult to sleep or prepare
for sleep, which affects their performance at school.5 Sleep
loss can cause poor mental health and poor mental health can
cause sleep loss. This forms a vicious cycle of disease based on
the overuse of social media.
My advice is, be wary of social media use. It’s not bad;
it has connected billions of people around the world, is a
form of entertainment and has given millions of people an
opportunity to grow their business with no capital. However,
in this world of duality, there is always a flip side—that of
bringing potential harm to our mental well-being.
Exercise: Monitoring your social media usage
Record your social media usage by filling the following log.

Logging your use is the first step in reducing time spent

on social media. Certain smartphones and apps have functions
which can help you set usage limits for yourself.
Tick the social media platform you have used.
Day Facebook Instagram Twitter LinkedIn WhatsApp TikTok Snapchat Other Write
down
the total
amount
of time
in hours
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Alternatively, have a competition with a small group of

friends/family to see who can use social media the least for a
week (or any duration of time mutually agreed upon). Each
member can use an app to track their use, or could (honestly)
write down their daily usage. At the end of the week, have a
group review of the results and discuss any benefits felt from
regulating social media usage.
Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
The first time I heard the word ‘FOMO’, I thought it was

a type of Vietnamese dish. Everywhere I went people were
telling me, ‘I have FOMO, I have FOMO.’ I would think
that is fantastic, where can I try this FOMO and why are you
rubbing it in my face that I have not got any?
FOMO is now a popular term that stands for the ‘fear
of missing out’. Many of us experience it on a daily basis: I
was not invited to a wedding, birthday, celebration, holiday
or even did not get to watch a television show I like. The
list can go on! A study by Dr Andrew K. Przybylski and his
colleagues defined FOMO as ‘a pervasive apprehension that
others might be having a rewarding experience from which
one is absent’ and is ‘characterized by the desire to stay
continually connected with what others are doing.’6
I am often invited to dinner at the homes of those who I
have helped over the years and usually greeted by all the family
members with open arms. However, on one occasion, I had
two very excited parents and one moody teenager. She was
sitting in the corner of the room aloof as everyone exchanged
pleasantries. I’ve known her for many years; she’s very good-
natured, sweet and always inquisitive. This time round, she was
the opposite. It was as if she had become a teenager overnight,
too cool to sit with the adults. I asked her how she was; she
didn’t reply. I then discreetly asked her mother if all was well.
She said, ‘Friend problems. She was fine an hour ago, but then
she saw something on her phone and is now sulking.’
‘Saw something on my phone! Saw something on my
phone?’ the girl screamed as she overheard her mum. ‘Look
at what I’m missing out on. I could have been on this holiday
with my friends in Singapore. You don’t send me anywhere
and I am missing out!’ She stormed upstairs to her room.
Her father looked down and went red. I know that I am a
nobody; I am a simple monk. But in general, when I speak to
people, they give me their best facade. ‘Yes, I am fine, prabhuji

(a respectful term in our culture); how are you, prabhuji?’ is
what I get in most interactions. This was raw and obviously
there was some tension. The father, obviously embarrassed,
said, ‘I am working as hard as I can. We are spending a lot on
her education at a top private school, but we do not make as
much as other parents do. We are saving for her future. We
send her on trips in India but going overseas is, at the moment,
too expensive. She generally understands, but when she sees
something she is missing, she loses it.’ Most people would
have immediately judged the daughter for being ungrateful,
but I understood. This insidious comparison—the fear of
missing out—is a powerful emotion that can overpower the
best of us. Whether we are rich, poor, successful, failures—we
all experience it to some degree in our own way. A teenager
reacting externally is probably how many of us feel internally
even if we can control our outbursts.
Coming back to social media, FOMO has been linked
to excessive social media use, which causes mood disorders.
Technology that leaves us ‘always on’ to communication can
perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. We are social
beings. We want to interact with others. However, when the
goalposts of interaction to feel acceptance change to levels
that are unattainable, i.e., comparing our every interaction to
others on social media, we can start developing symptoms of
anxiety and depression. This can have longer-lasting effects
as comparing our whole life to someone’s highlight reel can
affect our self-esteem. The Royal Society of Public Health
recently found nine in ten young females say that they were
unhappy with the way they look.7
Dealing with FOMO
Let’s spend more time looking at our lives than at those

of others
It’s impossible to stop comparing completely. As previously

mentioned, we are in a world governed by duality—good and
bad, right and wrong, rich and poor. Yet, we can start making
small shifts in our mindsets to focus more on our own lives
than those of others.
In India, 65 per cent of the population still lives in villages.
Although there are great challenges in living in such villages
related to sanitation and healthcare, there is a quiet simplicity
to the lives of the people there. In a small village that I was
passing through in Gujarat, I remember seeing a group of
boys playing together with a few sticks and bicycle tyres. They
were chasing the tyres and whacking them with sticks to make
them roll faster. I’ve never seen children that happy. Playing
devil’s advocate, you may say that those children are happy
because they have not been exposed to better things or fancier
toys, but that was false too. These children had seen what
richer families could give their kids. It is not that they did not
want these toys or would not have played with them out of
love for their tyres and sticks. Their families could not afford
them, and it was made clear to them. Instead of focusing on
what the other children had, they stopped and took note of
the resources they had. What could they do to create the same
emotions and experience with what was in their possession?
On the other hand, there are many richer children who,
because they are not trained in this mindset of ‘being happy
with what you have in the moment’, are miserable because
they do not have a neighbour’s toy. As the famous quote goes,

‘To become satisfied, we don’t have to increase the things we
have; we need to increase the focus on the things we do have.’
The choice is ours. Jealousy is counting other people’s
blessings rather than our own. Do we want to be resentful of
what we are missing? Do we want to be envious that others
are enjoying what we don’t have? Or do we want to invest in
what we do have and create our happy experiences?
Look beyond immediate pleasures and excitement
There is nothing as nostalgic as visiting your alma mater, the

university you used to attend. ‘This is where I met my best
friend’ or ‘This is where that funny incident happened’ or
‘This is the lecture theatre where we had the best professor.’
The memories come flooding back when we get to visit places
we love.
There is a famous story of a group of alumni who go to visit
their old university professor after ten years. All of them now
lead separate lives, but all are highly successful. After many
hugs, laughs and nostalgic stories, as the group waited for the
professor in their old classroom, the conversation turned to
the stresses of life. We have already discussed how nostalgia
can bring us together. Another topic of conversation that
brings people together is complaints about life. Nevertheless,
the former classmates who used to compete about who could
get the highest grades were now competing about who had
the biggest problems.
Their former professor entered the classroom, cutting
their conversation short. They all approached him and
greeted him warmly. He offered his students coffee—they
all agreed, excited to catch up with him after a long time.

The professor returned with a large pot of coffee and an
assortment of cups—porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some
plain-looking, some expensive, some exquisite—telling them
to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the
professor said: ‘If you noticed, all the expensive cups were
taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it
is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is
the source of your problems and stress. The cup itself doesn’t
add to the quality of the coffee and in some cases, even hides
what we drink. And yet you consciously went for the best-
looking cups.’
Then he began looking at each person’s cups. With
compassion, he added, ‘Our life is like the coffee. Everything
else, our jobs, our money and our position in society, are the
cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The type
of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life
we live. While you pursue the fine cups, be sure to keep your
focus on enjoying the coffee!’
It is a common fact that after a certain level of income,
the link between the amount of income and our happiness is
broken. This figure is around $75,000 in America according
to the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences
of the United States of America.8 After all our amenities
and comforts are taken care of, our happiness is no longer
dependent on our income, but other factors. What this
implies is that it is great to have a good cup and work hard for
it, but let us not forget the coffee inside. Focusing too much
on what type of vessel we have for our beverage is detrimental
to our mental well-being. It is much better to work on the

type of coffee we have—our relationships, spirituality and
purpose—over the cup—our facilities, material objects and
our surroundings.
To clarify, this is not to say we will not miss out on
experiences when we are absent for an event like a party or
holiday. But by looking beyond external pleasures and by
finding inner fulfilment in the meaningful things in life,
the fear of missing out will seem secondary. When we have
something better, it is easy to let go.
You cannot have it all: learn to be present
Another principle of not succumbing to the fear of missing

out is understanding that you cannot have it all. If there
was one word that defines the world we live in—it’s
‘scarce’. Resources are scarce, relationships can be scarce
and importantly, time is scarce. Because time is scarce, it is
important to learn its value and realize that it’s a fact of life:
we cannot have it all. When we choose to attend one event,
we give up going to another. That is why it is important to
learn how to be present.
I know this may sound like a cliché similar to ‘being in
the moment’, ‘the power of now’, ‘learning to live without
thinking of the future’. However, this is a state of mind that
has to be learnt over time. If we can learn to enjoy being in
the present, the fear of missing out will not be able to hurt us.
As young monks in the 1990s, we were all privileged to
have our teacher HH Radhanath Swami spend two-thirds of
the year with us in our ashram. He would teach us everything,
from how to meditate, how to cook, how to pray and even

how to clean. There was always a deeper motive behind his
giving us the knowledge to become spirituality elevated,
which Radhanath Swami kept at the centre of his purpose.
Radhanath Swami was constantly invited to speak at
events around Mumbai. When I joined, I wasn’t taken to all
the events that he was going to. I was eager to be around him,
watch him, learn from him. But then there were places to
which I couldn’t be taken as there was naturally a limit on the
invitations. When I was first held back from attending events
with him, I felt like I was missing out. I was definitely missing
out, but the feeling lingered for days. Why could I not have
been there? What lessons was I missing out on? What love
and appreciation was being held back from me? But then, over
a period of time, and after consultation with senior monks, I
decided that I needed to be more present in what I was doing
right at the ashram. That would bring me more fulfilment in
the future. This story proves that no human being is exempt
from the feeling of FOMO.
Rather than looking at what we cannot do or what we do
not have, it is important to be grateful for what we can do and
what we do have. We live in a world of duality: everything has
its flip side, but if we can live in a state of gratitude, we can
accommodate both.
With this meditation on being grateful for what we have,
I landed at London Heathrow. In the end, my emergency seat
was great! I had slept a few hours, heard lectures on my MP3
player, done my mantra meditation and prepared for some
talks. And yes, I got to stretch my legs forward and be close to
the restroom when I needed it.
Exercise: Gratitude meditation
Think of three things that you are grateful for:
1. A person who has done something selflessly for you.

2. An experience that has enabled you to grow internally,
even if the experience may have been difficult at the time.
3. A place that gave you a positive and uplifting experience
and thus memories.
Chapter summary:
• In this world, everything is like a coin; there are

always two sides. Things that seem good always
have a downside; things that seem bad always have
an upside.
• If the focus is on what we don’t have, it takes away
value from what we do have.
• This mindset is the key to crafting joy; the opposite
of that is comparison, which is the thief of joy.
• In our modern society, this ‘missing syndrome’
is leading to a mental health calamity as we have
constant access to compare our lives with those of
others.
• We must know how to use social media
proportionately or we can be used by it.
• The key thing to note is that if our habit to check
our social media feeds is no longer rewarding, then it
is a harmful habit that may be damaging our health.
• We can start making small shifts in our mindsets

to focus more on our own lives rather than those of
others.
• By looking beyond external pleasures and finding
inner fulfilment in the meaningful things in life, the
fear of missing out will seem secondary.
• If you can learn to enjoy being in the present, the
fear of missing out will not be able to hurt you.
• Rather than looking at what we cannot do or what
we do not have, it is important to be grateful for
what we can do and what we do have.
three
Joshua Slips Away: Dealing with

Mental Chatter
‘You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to let
them stop controlling you.’
—Dan Millman
Landing in London is always exciting. As the day broke

over the capital of the United Kingdom, we were only thirty
minutes from touchdown. The sights were fantastic as we
crossed the historic city: St Paul’s Cathedral, the Tower
Bridge and even the Houses of Parliament could all be seen
below. When we landed, half the plane clapped and the other
half judged their friends who were clapping.
I left the aircraft feeling a little groggy but productive, as
I had finished my morning duties, including my meditation,
prayer and daily reading of spiritual literature. The cabin crew,
with large smiles that hid their exhaustion, thanked me for
being at the emergency exit seat as I left the plane. As I stepped
off the plane, I glanced ahead to the business and first-class seats
that were already vacant. I walked off with my hand luggage
ready to get through immigration as quickly as possible.
41
As a monk, I need to be authentic and genuine in my

interactions, and I definitely need to be cautious with my
actions because of the ideals I represent. My orange cloth
is a symbol of renunciation, focus and control. Even if I am
feeling agitated, I have to make sure I check myself before
responding. I have to be sensitive to the needs of others and
how my actions can make them feel; not only for them, not
only for me, but for the ashram I represent. It’s a huge pressure,
but one that I have been trained to handle. I have had some
misunderstandings in the past. Once, I asked for apple juice
on the plane during a night flight. I was in a middle seat with
the two gentlemen to my left and right already sound asleep.
The flight attendant poured it into a ridiculously small flute
(some froth rose) and placed it on my chair table. At that
moment, the man to my left near the window woke up and
laughed, ‘Swami ji, I thought you were a monk. It seems like
you’re getting drunk when no one is watching!’ I told him that
I liked apple juice and thanked him for his concern.
When you are a monk and represent ideals higher than
yourself, you have to be cautious in your actions.
As expected, the immigration queue was long. It was a
melting pot of different cultures, with people from all over
the world meeting at this point, excited to start their holidays,
to meet their families or even to settle in the UK for good.
There was a separate section for first-class and business-class
passengers and then a large section for those in economy class.
I had already learnt my lesson of comparing, so I put on my
headphones, played some spiritual music and waited my turn.
As I waited, I looked around the queue and noticed
the people of different cultures. One family caught my eye.
Joshua Slips Away: Dealing with Mental Chatter 43
They were wearing clothes different to the norm, something

we both had in common. They were a traditional, orthodox
Jewish family. The father was wearing a long black coat, white
shirt and a black top hat, and had curly locks of hair down the
sides of his face. His wife wore a white blouse, long pink skirt
and a blue sweater. Their attire was simple. Then I counted
the number of children they had. Two were in a double pram
that the father pushed, another held the mother’s left hand
and a fourth held the mother’s right hand. They were all boys
under six dressed exactly like their father. I could see the stress
on the mother’s face managing those boys, all at the age when
they want to run away and explore the new experiences that
were bombarding their senses.
Suddenly, the mother started screaming, startling
those around her, ‘Joshua! Joshua! Where is Joshua? He is
missing.’ The husband started frantically searching around
the immigration lobby, jumping high and looking low for his
toddler, Joshua. The other parents in the queue, empathizing
with their stress, also started looking. Soon the mother was
crying uncontrollably. Even if you do not have children, you
may have been in a situation where you have lost something
that means the world to you. For most people these days,
it’s their phone. The immediate reaction of the mind is to
panic and think the worst: ‘I left it on the bus’, ‘That man
who I passed looked dodgy and stole it’ . . . the mind has
a tendency to magnify the situation out of proportion and
assume the worst.
Now, imagine losing your child in a crowded room of
strangers. The drama to find Joshua was now spreading
throughout the lobby like ripples in a pond. We had people of
all cultures now shouting for Joshua and the immigration staff
were consoling the parents.
All of a sudden, there were shouts from the end of queue,
saying there was a little Jewish boy running around the
vending machine. The Jewish family ran towards the back,
forsaking their place in the line and knocking over some of
the bollards with the pram. ‘Joshua!’ the mother shouted as
she saw him.
He gave a cheeky smile and started running away. As a
child, he had no idea about the heartache and pandemonium
he had created for his parents and the immigration staff.
‘Stop right there!’ his mother shouted as she sprinted
towards him, throwing her smaller child over her shoulder.
She then shouted in Hebrew, I think, but I could not be sure,
at Joshua and he simply fell to the ground. To my surprise,
he was not crying or afraid, but rolling around laughing,
thinking this was some sort of game. He had been captured
by his mother, but now the second game began.
Joshua now lay in the middle of the queue as hundreds of
passengers tried to walk past. He would not get up regardless
of the reprimands from his mother. She pulled his hand, but he
pulled back and still did not get up. She then said something
in a low voice, the anger and frustration deep-seated within
her. Joshua’s expression changed. The game was over, and he
knew he was in trouble. He got up straight away and started
crying. The mother hugged him, held his hand tightly and
then joined the queue again. A few passengers who were
waiting clapped, happy to see the mother and son reunited.
What an ordeal, I thought. Kids are cute and innocent, but
they can also be mischievous and restless. When I go to visit
families around the world, I sometimes play with their kids and
tell the parents how delightful they are. The usual response is,
‘Thank you, but stay the night and then you will realize how
much of a handful they can be!’ I even have some fathers, who
are drained from looking after their children, sometimes joke
with me that I am lucky I have taken a vow of celibacy. A
man once told me that when he was working out how to raise
children, he went through six philosophies. However, now that
he has six children, he has no philosophies left!
You may or may not have children. However, I am sure
you can relate to the story of Joshua, a mischievous child who is
constantly running away, causing anxiety to his poor parents.
In life, Joshua can be likened to the unruly, unpredictable
and restless mind. Everyone has a Joshua that they have to
manage twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There are
no breaks or time-outs with your own mind.
Children are full of energy except when they are sleeping.
However, the mind does not sleep. It is constantly on when
we are awake; it sometimes stops us from falling asleep and
even when we are asleep, it is wandering in different directions
that are beyond our control. It’s the subtle organ that never
rests, chattering away like a child. If you want to get an honest
opinion on how you look, ask a child. They have no filter
between their thoughts and their words. Similarly, the mind
never stops. It keeps us on our toes and is chattering away,
sometimes in our favour and sometimes against us.
Just like Joshua, our minds do not remain in one place.
When we are working, our mind is thinking about going
home and having dinner. When we are at home and trying to
relax, the mind is thinking about how much work we have to
do. When we are in a serious situation, the mind is thinking

of a funny incident. When we are trying to have fun, the mind
starts bringing out grave incidents. The inability to control
the mind and bind it to stay in one place causes lack of focus.
In some people, especially young children, the severe inability
to focus the mind has been diagnosed as attention-deficit
hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
ADHD is a common disorder that affects people’s
behaviour. Those diagnosed with it can seem restless, act on
impulses and have trouble concentrating on tasks at hand. One
study in Australia calculated that the total cost of ADHD,
including healthcare costs, productivity loss in the economy,
costs to public services, etc., was estimated to be between $8.4
billion and $17.44 billion USD in 2019.1
Most people are not diagnosed with ADHD, but
recognize the cost of having a chattering, uncontrollable mind
that is inattentive. This has effects on both our professional
and personal relationships. It can lose us income as well as
those we are closest to in our lives. Neen James, a motivational
coach based in Florida, USA, in her book Attention Pays: How
to Drive Profitability, Productivity, and Accountability, wrote a
list of things we feel are helping us focus our mind, but may
be doing the opposite. These include:
• Believing that connecting with friends and family through

social media creates authentic, meaningful connections
• Thinking that survival by multitasking is our only option
• Trying to be all things to all people
• Feeling we must be accessible to everyone all the time
• Creating never-ending to-do lists
• Trying new fancy planners
• Downloading the latest apps

• Colour-coding our calendars
• Reading multiple self-help books about how to get it
all done
However, all these actions may be a cover and may not solve
the root of the problem that we have a chattering mind that
we need to regulate.
Just as children are constantly talking to their parents,
asking questions, talking to themselves, their dolls, their
toys, the mind also has its own monologue. For me, this
monologue happens in English within my mind—it’s a voice
that is on while I am thinking. This is the same voice that
tells us to have that extra piece of cake or figures out, later that
evening, what we should have said in that earlier argument.
It’s the voice that fantasizes about us winning that award in
the future or lingers on our embarrassing mistakes from the
past. It imagines pleasures, creates fears, analyses people,
criticizes situations, monitors for danger. It is constantly on,
involuntarily. It’s the person that we spend the most time
with. Therefore, it is critical that we like that voice and make
sure we can befriend it to work with us.
The Bhagavad Gita, an ancient book on spirituality,
spoken over 5000 years ago by Shri Krishna to Arjuna, is a
manual on understanding the mind. In one such verse, 6.26,
Shri Krishna speaks about the nature of the mind:
yato yato niścalati

manaś cañcalam asthiram
tatas tato niyamyaitad
ātmany eva vaśaṁ nayet
The mind wanders due to its restless and unsteady nature, and
it is important to bring it back under our control by engaging
the higher self.
In the same chapter of the Gita, Shri Krishna proclaims:
‘The mind can act as our best friend or worst enemy depending
on how we regulate it.’
There are a few things to learn from these texts. The
mind has the nature to be:
• Wandering
• Restless
• Unsteady
• One’s greatest enemy if not regulated
Therefore, it is in our best interest to regulate the chattering

mind and make it our best friend. If we can focus it and make
it steady, we can be successful in our endeavours. We must
bring Joshua back at all costs, otherwise there will be chaos.
Given a chance, children would just love to play all day, but as
a responsible parent, we have to discipline and guide children.
We have to create boundaries for them and rules in which
they can thrive. Otherwise, they may hurt themselves and even
impede their own growth and progress. If Joshua runs away
aimlessly or throws a tantrum, we must use the techniques
we have in our arsenal to engage him to be constructive and a
valuable member of the family. The mind is exactly the same.
Regulating the mind is a practice that must be mastered.
It takes time to do so, but there are some methods we can
employ when the mind goes astray, to prevent it from going
astray in the first place.
Neglect
I recently saw a video on social media where a father is holding

a small child in his arms. The father then proceeds to slam his
hand against the door frame and turns to his child and says,
‘Oh no, are you okay? Are you okay?’ The baby looks confused,
but then realizes that the action of his father suggests that
he is in danger. Instinctively, he starts crying although he
is not hurt at all. Toddlers can have a similar reaction when
they crave attention from an adult. They may not be in any
physical danger, but they simply throw a tantrum to grab the
attention of a parent.
One method in parenting is to use neglect or ignore the
child. Attention for a child can be for positive or negative
behaviours. We may praise young children for the good
actions they do, giving them positive reinforcement: ‘Your
action is good; therefore, I will give you my attention.’ In
the same way, we may give attention to a child for negative
acts they perform. They may be constantly crying for no
particular reason or shouting to gain our attention. These
actions are bad, but if we respond by telling them to stop,
we are still giving the child attention. Parents usually tell
me that they find themselves giving the child more negative
attention when they are misbehaving. However, the
child does not distinguish between negative and positive
attention—they still get our focus, which reinforces the
action. ‘Your action is bad; therefore, I will give you my
attention.’ Neglecting or ignoring the child works because
it breaks the cycle between bad action and the attention the
child receives.
The process of ignoring a child sounds reckless and

irresponsible, but it is an active process that requires the
determination of the parent who may need to not look at or
talk to the child when they are performing behaviours that
are harmful for their development. This does not mean we
neglect destructive behaviours that can put them in harm’s
way. These deserve our attention and need to be stopped
immediately—don’t ever let your child play with matches!
The types of behaviour we can ignore are whining, crying
and throwing tantrums when there is nothing obviously
wrong.
In the same way, we have to learn when to ignore the
mind and when to give it attention. This is also an active
process that at first requires conscious competence. But over
time, as we get used to ignoring the mind’s childish requests,
it is less of a struggle and becomes unconsciously competent.
It may feel odd ignoring the mind as so much of our being is
caught up with what the voice in our head says. However, if
we can understand that we are not our mind but something
deeper, it becomes easier.
We can take our attention away by shifting it to something
else. When the mind throws a tantrum, shift it to:
• Something enjoyable: We all enjoy doing different things.

Try and choose an activity that is enjoyable for you
and your mind, e.g., reading a book, watching a movie,
writing, etc.
• Something engaging: Is there something that you want
to learn? Is there a creative hobby that you have been
putting off?
• Something energizing: Breath work or conscious

breathing can help overcome the chatter of the mind.
Note it down
When I am practising meditation in the mornings, it’s a

magical time. It is not magical because the chatter in my
mind automatically quietens down. It is magical because
I consciously choose to put my mind on silent mode. Just as
we can turn our phone from loud to silent, there are ways to
turn our mind from loud to silent. This means incoming calls
are diverted to voicemail and notifications do not ping. Only
urgent and important notifications show on our home screen.
Similarly, as previously mentioned, we would be foolish to
ignore the mind when it is telling us we are in danger. If we
are walking and there is an oncoming vehicle or if we see
smoke in the room, ignoring the mind is not a smart thing to
do. These are, of course, extreme situations.
When we are trying to focus the mind and it brings up an
urgent situation, a technique I use when trying to sleep is to
have a small notepad and pen next to me to write down things
it brings up. This can work for us when we have a lot on our
plate that preoccupies our mind. The mind, like any person
we meet, wants to be acknowledged. Writing down what it is
saying to us is giving it minute attention and is a step forward
towards pacifying it. We can then get back to our priority at
that moment, be it sleep, work or something else.
I go back to this list the morning after and then rank
accordingly whether this was an actual urgent call from the
mind or simply a cry for attention. Over time, we see patterns
in the things we note down on our lists and then can quickly
reject those things that we notice are just a tantrum from
the mind. This can help us see what the mind is constantly
chattering about and then deal with it appropriately.
Negotiate
There is a saying, ‘Never negotiate with a terrorist.’ In foreign

policy, democracies should never give in to the demands of a
militia who is using violence as it rewards them indirectly for
doing so. However, the mind is not a terrorist. It can become
our best friend if we discipline it and treat it with the respect
it deserves. That is why negotiation is a technique that can be
used to quieten the chatter of a demanding mind.
Just as parents may negotiate with a child to calm them
down or teachers may negotiate with students to study, we
can do the same with the mind. The mind is very focused on
the future, chattering away about what could be. However, if
we can give it an immediate reward or convince it to, ‘Focus
now, play later’, we can gain its cooperation.
People who are serious about their fitness do a similar
thing. Any fitness trainer can tell us that becoming healthier,
e.g., losing excessive weight is done through maintaining a
calorie deficiency by having a strict diet. However, where most
people fail is by being too strict on themselves and reverting
to eating junk foods. This is to do with regulating the mind.
If we can tell the mind: focus on eating healthy foods that you
like within your calorie budget for six days a week and then
reward it with apparently ‘unhealthy’ food for one day a week,
we are more likely to succeed. This is called a ‘cheat day’ or a
‘cheat meal’. This negotiation stops the mind from wanting to

indulge as it knows a meal of luxury is coming soon. However,
what it does not realize is that it is becoming habituated to
eating healthy foods over time, making us less likely to cheat.
It is important not to cheat the mind too much—once it
realizes that we are not keeping our end of the bargain, it may
throw a tantrum!
The key to negotiating with the mind is remembering the
end goal that we want to achieve. There has to be some sort of
compromise. Going back to the example of personal training
and fitness, if our goal is to lose weight, we have to come to
a compromise with the mind that we will have six days of
focused diet in return for one day of eating indulgently. If we
are studying, we may have to compromise by watching one
television show a day that we enjoy in return for hours on end
of revision. The key is to make sure the balance is always in
favour of our objective and our indulgence does not lead to
jeopardizing our objective, i.e., there is no point exercising six
days a week in return for eating a day of cake. A slice is fine,
but a whole day may throw our goals out of the window.
Neutral observation
I have a small room in our ashram in Mumbai that is ten

feet by ten feet. I never had my own space, but over the last
few years, as I have become increasingly busy and as my age
increases, the management felt it necessary for me and a
few others to have our own rooms. My room is situated in a
building diagonally behind our temple. From there I can see
the people who are entering the temple.
One evening as I was answering emails from my desk, I

looked outside the window towards the entrance. There were
hundreds of visitors who had come for one of the large events
we run each weekend. Many of them were general guests
whom I did not know, and they do not know me either. Then
there were acquaintances whom I knew by face, who may
have waved if they had seen me through the window. Then
there were a few close friends who waved, smiled and I would
have called them to come up and spend time with me. But on
that day, I didn’t. I was just observing.
The mind brings up thoughts similar to the visitors to
our temple. There are thousands, if not millions, of thoughts
that enter our mind daily. There are the general ones, that
we need not bother about. There are the necessary ones, that
we must address or acknowledge. There are the meaningful
ones; these are meant to be carefully cultivated like nurturing
a plant. However, the first step for any thought is just being a
neutral observer. Monks do not gamble, nor do we encourage
it. However, with our thoughts, we all need to spend some
time being poker-faced, neutrally looking at our thoughts
without playing our hand.
Reverting to crying children, something I am not overly
familiar with, but it makes for a great analogy regarding
the mind. One evening I was meditating on the roof of our
ashram. It’s a very simple place, modest and secluded, but it
overlooks many parts of downtown Mumbai. As I sat there,
eyes closed and in a lotus position, I heard a shrieking sound
coming from a building opposite. It was some distance away,
but the sound was penetrating my eardrums as if it were
playing through my headphones on maximum volume. It was
a child sobbing uncontrollably. A few monks that were on

the rooftop told me that this was a regular affair. Every day,
exactly at 10 p.m., the child would cry, just in time to disturb
the rest of the weary monks ready to sleep. However, today it
was only 9.45; the child was early to the game.
My mind’s immediate reaction was, ‘Why is this child
crying? Why is it disturbing me? Why can’t the parents
control the child? I am so happy I do not have children.’ These
thoughts sound harsh, but note how I started the sentence.
These were my mind’s immediate reactions, not my reactions.
We are not our mind.
I then consciously asked myself a question: ‘Is this situation
so significant that it deserves my reaction?’ Remember, the
mind wants to be the hero and get involved with everything.
It wants to analyse, judge and assign meaning to everything
that is going on as it loves to chatter.
I decided that the situation was not mine to solve and thus
did not deserve my attention and mental space. I decided to
ignore the stimulus as well as the immediate reaction from my
mind. It was just another sound emanating from the rooftops
of Mumbai, just another fact that I could not change, just
another thing beyond my control. This conscious decision
changed my state of mind, calmed it down and created a
distance between me and what was happening around me.
There will certainly be times in the day where we need
to act on our thoughts and negotiate with them. However,
preferably in the morning as we wake up and before we go to
bed, there should be a time in the day when we are aloof even
from these thoughts. This could be our space of nothingness,
just observing our mind. No analysis, no judgements, no
reactions. We are human beings, not human doings. We need

to take a regular, daily break from the doing and enter the
state of being. Scientific literature and spiritual texts align on
this point: the more we can master the state of being, the
more we can empower our actions when we are doing.
Exercise: Neutral observer meditation
One way to ease your way into becoming a neutral observer is

to practise an observer meditation for five minutes daily:
Close your eyes.
Focus on your breath.
Now observe all the thoughts that are coming in. Let
the thoughts come in, don’t react, don’t dwell on them, don’t
interact with them, simply let them come and go. If you find
yourself becoming involved in the thought, consciously bring
your mind back to the present moment and to your breath.
Let your mind become more and more focused simply on
breathing in and out.
As you practise this daily, it will slowly become a part of you.
This meditation can be done with an object instead of
breathing as well—whenever you find your mind getting
involved with thoughts, keep bringing it back to the object
and let the thoughts keep passing.
These are some suggestions to master the chattering of the

mind. We will cover more techniques in a future chapter
related to meditation, but remember these four principles:
neglect, note it down, negotiate and become a neutral observer
the next time you hear your mind talking too loudly.
Sometimes Joshua’s tantrums need to be neglected; yet

at other times, we need to negotiate with him and reward
him. He may need to be disciplined on certain occasions; yet
at others, just observed. One thing to always bear in mind is
that Joshua is your own child; he always needs love and care
to thrive.
I walked through immigration seeing that the Jewish
family had also had their passports stamped and were walking
through with me. They were all happy and had overlooked
the whole situation, ready to start their vacation. The officers
and staff chuckled at the incident, but then life in the terminal
returned to normal with the general hubbub replacing the
commotion.
My trip to London was just beginning.
Chapter summary:
• There are no breaks or time-outs with our own

mind.
• It is constantly on when we are awake, and
sometimes stops us from falling asleep. Even when
we are asleep, it is wandering in different directions
that are beyond our control. It’s the subtle organ
that never rests, chattering away like a child.
• It’s the person that we spend the most time with.
Therefore, it is critical that we like that voice and
make sure we can befriend it to work with us.
• We have to learn when to ignore the mind and
when to give it attention. This is also an active
process that, at first, requires conscious competence.

But over time, as we get used to ignoring the mind’s
childish requests, it becomes less of a struggle and
becomes unconscious competence.
• When the mind throws a tantrum shift it to:
o Something enjoyable
o Something engaging
o Something energizing
• Just as we can turn our phone from loud to silent,
there are ways to put our mind from loud to silent.
• The key to negotiating with the mind is remembering
the end goal that we want to achieve. There has to
be some sort of compromise.
• There should be a time in the day when we are aloof
even from our thoughts. This could be our space of
nothingness, just observing our mind. No analysis,
no judgements, no reactions.
four
Jumping at 18,000 Ft: Dealing with Anxiety
‘You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.’
—Martin Luther King
Heathrow Airport is the fastest for reclaiming your baggage

after a long flight. Actually, I think Mumbai might be a little
better, but that may be my biased view as a Mumbaikar. I
went through immigration, and my bag was waiting for me
at the other end. I put it on my trolley then walked through
customs. Two huge airport security guards with rifles,
arms covered in tattoos, dressed in uniforms, looked at me
suspiciously. Does anyone else become nervous when pushing
their luggage through customs even though you have done
absolutely nothing wrong? I never have anything to declare.
In fact, I do not even have enough possessions to think about
if I have anything to declare. I only own a few sets of orange
robes, a coat for the bad weather, my laptop and a few books.
Yet, every time I walk through customs I always think, ‘What
if someone has slipped something into my bag? What if there
are millions of pounds worth of gold in there? What if . . . ?’
My anxiety sometimes gets the better of me.
59
On this occasion, one of the guards approached me and

said, ‘Where have you arrived from?’
‘India, sir,’ I mumbled. He looked up and down my robes
and I felt as if I was being scolded by his glance. ‘I am a monk
and . . .’
‘. . . I know who you are!’ he interrupted. The other guard
joined him. My mind was racing now. Had I done something
wrong? Were the gifts of incense I had brought with me now
illegal in the UK? Would I be turned away and sent home on
the first flight back? In many countries that are less liberal than
the UK, I am advised not to dress in saffron like a monk due to
security concerns. However, I did not expect this from people in
the UK. I gulped, hoping for the best. To my shock, the man
smiled. ‘I know who you are. You are that monk of YouTube.
The “don’t worry, don’t worry” monk! It’s helped me so much!’
I burst out laughing, breaking all the tension. I told
them they had me petrified for a moment when they stopped
me. They apologized for making me worry. The guard was
alluding to a YouTube video that went viral many years ago,
which encouraged me to take helping people via social media
seriously. In this video, I explain in a slide: Do you have a
problem in life? If not, then why worry? If yes, then can you
do something about it? If the next answer is yes, then why
worry? Solve your issue. If you cannot do anything and the
answer is no, then also why worry? It is such a simple thought
but has helped many around the world who recognize me by
it. However, I hadn’t expected a heavily armed immigration
guard to stop me and talk about this video!
I spent a few minutes getting acquainted with them,
but then they realized they were letting people get through
Jumping at 18,000 Ft: Dealing with Anxiety 61
customs without their vigilance. They excused themselves and

allowed me to pass through after thanking me for my time
and taking a quick selfie.
Going through arrivals is like being on a fashion catwalk
with so many eyes on you. It can be daunting but I do enjoy
walking to the end, as I get to see the wonderful sight of
families being reunited, friends meeting after a long time
and people ready to start their well-earned vacations. Picking
me up were my friends from the temple, Sruti Dharma Das
and Prana Bandhu Das. They are like my older brothers
and spiritual guides, caring for all my needs in the UK. The
sound of laughter always reverberates when we are together.
Unfortunately, Sruti Dharma Das passed away in March
2020 from brain cancer and my heart sinks every time I walk
through arrivals at Heathrow knowing that he will never be at
the other side of the gate. However, on this occasion, I knew
they would both be there. I told them the incident that had
occurred with airport security and described my flight and
they both laughed hysterically. They joked that the airport
security should have locked me away for complaining about
having an emergency exit seat near the toilets! We embraced
and walked towards the car. I was exhausted, but so grateful
to be in the company of friends.
We sped back to Bhaktivedanta Manor, the local
ashram in London where I would be staying. This eighty-
acre property was donated by George Harrison, one of the
Beatles, to His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami
Prabhupada, founder-acharya of the International Society for
Krishna Consciousness. As we arrived and drove through the
gates, a feeling of relief spread through my body. There are
only a few places on earth that I consider home. This was

one of them. It’s the epitome of an English country house,
has seventy cows that are hand-milked and many gardens of
fragrant flowers. It also has around fifty residents, all working
together to live a life of spirituality and share spirituality with
others. I was there to be with them all, to try and inspire the
monks to be the best monks, to try and inspire families to
be the best families, to try and inspire couples to be the best
couples and the thousands of congregation members and
volunteers that lived nearby to be the best they could be. My
mind was telling me to go and meet those I had not seen in
years, but my body was screaming for me to rest. I took my
bag up a spiral staircase to a room they had arranged for me,
jumped in the shower and then decided to rest my eyes for
an hour.
Just as I was approaching the space between being
half-asleep and deep sleep, there was a knock on the door.
‘Gaur Gopal ji,’ I heard from outside. I recognized the voice
immediately. I have changed his name to protect his identity,
but it was Mr Malhotra, a well-to-do businessman who
had travelled from central London to meet me. The area of
London he lived in was the one that people imagine when
they think of London—surrounded by historic buildings
and a stone’s throw away from the River Thames. He bowed
down to me but I immediately resisted as he was my elder and
this custom always embarrasses me. In the spiritual culture I
belong to, bowing to an elder or someone with wisdom is a
sign of respect. It represents the flow of energy and positive
blessings from those who supposedly have wisdom to those
who want wisdom. In many parts of India, cheeky teenagers
use this custom to get a few rupees from elders as they know
that it will please them, and they’ll give them some cash!
Nevertheless, every cultural action has a deeper spiritual
meaning and a significant history.
After a few pleasantries with Mr Malhotra, I offered him
a seat and asked how I could help him. I could sense from his
body language something was on his mind. He was constantly
wiping sweat off his head with a handkerchief and slurring
some of his words. I offered him some herbal tea to calm him
down. He sipped it after slowly blowing on it.
‘Is everything okay?’ I asked.
‘This is slightly embarrassing, but I am flying for a family
holiday to the Alps by a private jet tomorrow,’ he said. There
were worse problems in the world I thought to myself. He
drank more of his tea, which encouraged him to share more.
He cleared his throat. ‘I usually take medication to put me
to sleep, but I no longer want to do so. I have a deep phobia
of flying. Several days before the flight, I feel paralysed and
cannot think straight. It affects my relationships and my
business. I think, what if the plane takes off, but then does
not land . . .’ He shuddered, which validated his concerns. I
asked him to take some deep breaths.
Flying fills many with deep anxiety. In fact, that is why
they call the airport a ‘terminal’—you never know whether
you’ll make it or not. Of course, I did not tell this joke
to Mr Malhotra. The top three fears for people have been
dying, public speaking and flying. In the modern age,
however, they seem to have changed to your phone running
out of battery, poor Wi-Fi connection and your video still
buffering!
Mr Malhotra had a deep fear of flying. It was not

something that could be solved overnight and needed a long-
term solution. In the short term, I just listened to his anxieties
and took him through some meditation and breathing
exercises he could do to calm his mind. One of them is as
follows:
Exercise: Guided affirmation
Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath in for a count of four seconds.
Hold for a count of two seconds.
Then breathe out for a count of six seconds.
Each time you breathe in, say to yourself: ‘I am not alone,
the universe is with me, I can deal with whatever it is that I
am going through . . .’ You can be more specific about the
situation that you are dealing with.
Each time you breathe out, say to yourself: ‘I let go of my
negative feelings. I let go of my anxiety. I feel peaceful. I feel
empowered.’
Repeat this exercise ten times.
Now slowly open your eyes.
It is normal to feel anxious at different points in our life.

This can be a perfectly natural emotion to life events such
as sitting for an exam, getting married or going for a job
interview. However, many people find it hard to control their
anxiety. For them, these feelings of worry are more constant,
making everyday activities difficult as they are marred by the
underlying anxiety they feel all the time. Imagine walking
around with a ringing in your ears. You would not tolerate it

and would want to get rid of it. That is how people suffering
with anxiety disorders feel; they have a ‘ringing’ of anxiety
with every action and some people experience it worse
than others.
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses
in the world, and they affect approximately a third of adults at
some point in their lives.1 Anxiety itself is a specific symptom
of these conditions, but the most common is generalized
anxiety disorder. I am not a medical doctor, but I have
counselled numerous people who suffer from this disorder and
many who may have not been diagnosed formally but cannot
rid themselves of constant anxiety. Symptoms of generalized
anxiety disorder include feeling restless or worried, having
trouble focusing or sleeping and even dizziness or heart
palpitations.
Scientific literature shows that many factors can cause
anxiety. Genetics seem to play a part, with people being five
times more likely to suffer from generalized anxiety disorder
if a family member suffers from it too. Chemical imbalances
in the brain with, for example, serotonin or noradrenaline,
which regulate your mood, or overactivity of some areas of
the brain also seem to spike anxiety in many people. Chronic
illnesses, such as arthritis or fatigue, or stressful incidents,
such as losing a loved one or domestic violence, are other
causes. Furthermore, drinking alcohol and smoking have been
linked to heightened anxiety. The cessation of both improved
symptoms for many.
There are many medicines and psychological therapies
that your local doctor can prescribe, but they are beyond
the scope of this book. I highly recommend that you visit

a medical professional if you have been suffering from an
anxiety disorder for a long period of time. We will talk more
about this later in the chapter. Additionally, practices like
meditation are some things that you can do yourself to help
you with anxiety.
Dealing with anxiety
Rational reasoning
In this book so far, I know that I have spoken about planes,

airports and flying, above and beyond the quota for any book.
However, I have to tell you a story about an adventure I once
had. It was one in which I got on to a plane that took off with
me in it but landed with me outside of it. Let me tell you
about the time I went skydiving.
The night before I was due to make the plunge, I was
lying in bed visualizing myself jumping out of the plane. At
first I thought, ‘I cannot wait, it’s going to be an incredible
experience.’ But then, as the night went by, I started to toss
and turn. ‘What if the parachute does not open? What if it
opens but malfunctions when we are in the air? What if a
group of birds collides with me? What if I simply free fall to
the ground?’ There were hundreds of these statements swirling
around in my mind, chattering away and keeping me awake.
Do you know what all of these statements have in
common? They may be fears and cause us anxiety, but they
start with the same two words: what if. These two words
govern most of our lives causing us anxiety and crippling us
with inaction. What if I fail? What if we lose? What if people

mock me? What if they say no? This what if stops us from
reaching our full potential.
It is not always possible to confront your what if with
rational reasoning. Many times, when we’re anxious and
approach a friend, they tell us to ‘calm down’. However,
telling someone to ‘calm down’ rarely works and in some
cases, can make them even more agitated. I decided to give
rational reasoning a go for myself, to myself. You can try this
too for your own anxiety. The first thing I did was figure out
if I wanted to experience skydiving. I deliberated and worked
out that I was scared, but a resounding yes also came from
within. Then I told my mind, ‘I understand that there are
many what ifs to this scenario but whatever happens, I will
be ready.’ Once I gained some courage, I decided to employ
my intelligence to try and calm my mind further. I made sure
that I was not taking an uncalculated risk by checking the risk
factors involved.
Skydiving is a popular sport in the US, and in 2020,
participants made approximately 2.8 million jumps at more
than 200 United States Parachute Association (USPA)
affiliated skydiving centres across the country. In 2020,
USPA recorded eleven fatal skydiving accidents, a rate of 0.39
fatalities per 1,00,000 jumps. This is comparable to 2019,
where participants made more jumps—3.3 million—and
USPA recorded 15 fatalities, a rate of 0.45 per 100,000.2 To
put this into context, there were less deaths in jumping out of
a plane than car accidents on the road.
I tried to convince my mind in this way, but it protested,
‘What if I happen to be one among the eleven?’
The next stage was working out why I wanted to have this
experience.
‘Then stay in the hotel room like a couch potato, missing
the most exhilarating experience of your life,’ I retorted to
my mind. I then consoled it by saying, ‘Look, your skydiving
experience is not going to be all by yourself. You will be
strapped to an expert who has done thousands of dives before
and has not had a single casualty, obviously! Take it easy.’
My mind began to understand the rationale but needed
me to repeat this multiple times so it was reinforced. The
thoughts that we repeat not only are likely to become our
action but also our emotions. If we can repeat our reasoning
rationales, we are more likely to calm the chattering mind.
Before I drifted off to sleep, I asked my mind, ‘Why are you
anxious?’
My mind replied, ‘I am not actually anxious or nervous,
I am excited.’
Anxiety reappraisal
The reason why telling people to ‘calm down’ does not work
when they are nervous or anxious about a situation is because
it is going against the grain of what our emotions want to do.
Instead of trying to suppress the feeling or calm down, we
should try and express this feeling as excitement. Of course,
this is not a solution for generalized anxiety disorder, but it
can help us in specific situations where we feel anxious, such
as before an exam, a social occasion, or even skydiving!
This conversation of emotions was coined ‘anxiety
reappraisal’ by Harvard Business School psychologist Alison
Wood Brooks. She conducted an experiment in which she

made a group of people do the exact same terrifying tasks:
some were doing public speaking, others were doing math
problems and the rest singing their hearts out on karaoke.
The results were astounding. In every task, the group that
was taught to reframe their emotions of apprehension to
enthusiasm had a better performance.3
The interesting thing is that the switch from nervousness
to excitement is not a physiological one. It’s not our body
changing; it’s our mindset changing. All the participants of
Alison Brooks’s study, regardless of whether they were in
the control group or the group told to shift their mindset,
had increased heartbeats and released the chemical cortisol,
a chemical that surges when you are preparing for action.
Both groups were experiencing a ‘high arousal state’, which
is one of the reasons it is better to change our mindset from
nervous to excited, than to try and ‘calm down’, which is a
‘low arousal state’.
Although being anxious and being excited have the same
physiological symptoms, the mindset differs. They both imply
an uncertain future, but anxiety suggests the future should be
feared, while excitement suggests it should be looked forward
to. It’s a state of mind that needs to be practised by reasoning
with your mind the next time you have a situation that fills
you with dread: ‘I am not anxious, I am excited; this is an
opportunity, not a threat.’
If rational reasoning does not work and the what ifs get
the better of us, there are other simple physiological things
we can do that could help, namely, exercise and stopping
smoking and drinking alcohol.
Exercise
Every time I tell people that exercise can help them with
their anxiety, they reply that they cannot afford a personal
trainer or do not have time to go to the gym. Exercise is now
synonymous with lifting weights or going for long arduous
runs. However, for me, exercise is getting the body moving.
Getting the body moving every day releases feel-good
endorphins that enhance our sense of well-being. It can
simultaneously take our mind off our worries, breaking the
cycle of negative thoughts that cause us to feel anxious. It
is not just anxiety disorders that exercise helps with; other
mental health conditions such as depression are positively
affected by staying fit.
As mentioned above, exercise could be any form of
movement. The ancient science of well-being suggests that
going for a walk in nature daily helps us process our emotions.
With every step on the ground, our anxiety reduces. Exercise
is also known to help us gain confidence by making us feel
and look fit, gives us an opportunity to socialize with others
by playing sports and developing relationships, and also
reinforces a positive coping mechanism for us.
Stopping smoking and drinking alcohol
Many people who smoke or chew tobacco do so because they

believe that it reduces stress, but scientific studies have found
that this does the opposite. Cigarettes contain an extremely
addictive substance called nicotine, which, at first, can improve
our mood and give us a sensation of relaxation. However, over
time, regular doses of nicotine can lead to changes in the brain

that cause withdrawal symptoms when the supply of nicotine
decreases.
Although at first, smoking can give the sensation of
reducing stress, over time it increases anxiety. Science has
disproved the claim that smoking gets rid of our tension. This
feeling is temporary and soon caves into symptoms based on
our craving. These include anxiety, stress and in some cases,
paranoia.
The story is similar with alcohol but even easier to
understand. Alcohol is a depressant; it lowers the level of a
hormone called serotonin, which is largely responsible for the
feeling of happiness. The less serotonin we produce, the more
anxiety we are likely to feel. Just like smoking cigarettes, our
brain builds up tolerance to the ‘relaxing’ sensations it produces,
making it less effective and more likely to destabilize our
emotions. Studies show that 20 per cent of those with social
anxiety have an alcohol abuse problem and that alcohol can
disrupt our sleep pattern, which in turn can trigger our anxiety.
As a monk, I do not smoke or drink alcohol. However, I
do not ever judge those who do. It is extremely addictive and
somewhat commonplace in our society. Nevertheless, science
does show that if we can take the first steps to stopping
smoking and reducing our alcohol intake, we can lead lives of
reduced stress.
Beyond rational reasoning and simple physiological acts
to help us reduce our anxiety is seeking help. We can only
reason to a point—something I found with Mr Malhotra
in regard to his fear of flying. If anxiety takes over, finding
someone we trust to speak to about it is always a safe option.
Seeking help
Big boys do not cry is the philosophy that still permeates

our society, despite the considerable movement to become
aware of and eradicate mental health problems. When I was
growing up, asking for help or being vulnerable was seen as
a sign of weakness. It was seen as a sign that you could not
cope or solve your own problems. I am now a huge advocate
of changing this culture completely: big boys should cry and in
order for big boys to cry, they have to be taught that it’s fine
to cry as small boys. It should be commonplace to seek help
when we are struggling with our mental health.
I want to share a personal story with you. When I joined
the ashram, all I had was three sets of robes and a small
wooden locker. Each monk had one and they were all next
to each other lining the corridor of the ashram on the first
floor. Although each locker was exactly the same, the insides
would be different as each monk decorated it accordingly to
his personality. Some had their own personal altars of prayers,
others stuck pictures of the Divine and some had personal
libraries of as many ancient books as they could fit on one
shelf. It’s a minimalistic lifestyle, but we’re happy, as we know
less is often more.
The ashram is separate from the rest of the temple,
but the lockers are situated on a veranda, meaning that in
the monsoon, water flows off the roof of the veranda and to
the ground below. Although it gets humid, sitting on top of
a locker and talking to other monks can be peaceful while
the rain falls. Adjacent to our corridor of lockers is a private
meeting room for the monks, which in turn is adjacent to the
large communal temple hall where hundreds meet weekly to

pray, meditate and sing together in front of Sri Sri Radha
Gopinath, murtis or deities in the temple and the focus of our
devotion.
Many Mumbai monsoons ago, only a few years after
I joined the ashram, Paresh, a young boy of nineteen years,
came to stay with us. He wanted to experience the lifestyle
of a monk during his summer holidays, before he went away
to study abroad. We have many such requests by those who
want to see how we live and gain a spiritual foundation before
they move on in life. Paresh was around five-foot-six, slightly
chubby around the waist, sweet, funny and eager to serve. It
can be intimidating talking to monks at times, but Paresh was
confident and always made us laugh. We could sense that he
was having the time of his life living and serving at the temple.
One evening I sat on the floor by my locker, meditating
deeply while hearing the pitter-patter of the rain against the
tiled ground floor. It was the second evening of the monsoon.
As I tried to focus, all of a sudden, I heard a thumping sound
behind me. Paresh had fallen to the ground and was having a
seizure. He was shaking uncontrollably. I jumped to my feet,
shouted for help and approached Paresh whose limbs were
vigorously shaking and his eyes rolling back. I had never seen
anything like this and did not know what to do. Should I hold
him down? Should I call an ambulance? Should I run to call
another monk? No other monk was in sight. The monsoon
clouds created a dark shadow across the ashram and the sound
of rain was now an ominous soundtrack. I fell to my knees
next to Paresh in a state of panic as I felt paralysed by my
inaction. ‘Paresh, Paresh!’ I screamed. ‘What’s going on?’
At that moment, another monk who was a medical

doctor came and, in a flash, performed a procedure to calm
Paresh down. After a few moments, this young boy came
back to consciousness slightly dazed and tired, but aware of
his surroundings. ‘Are you okay?’ I asked. ‘What was that?’
He confirmed that he gets momentary blackouts and seizures.
Doctors have performed tests on him but do not know why
he gets them or when they are likely to happen. I was shocked
while he was telling me this. I had no idea what to do and how
to behave. As more monks approached the scene, I backed
away and returned to the temple hall, thankful that Paresh
was alive and well.
That night, as I lay in my sleeping bag covered by the
mosquito net, I was having trouble sleeping. Every time I
closed my eyes, the episode of Paresh having a seizure kept
flashing in my mind. I tried to reason with myself that he was
fine now and under the care of doctors for his condition. But
the what if syndrome had got me. What if he was not fine
and it was because I had frozen and did not know what to do
to help him? If this could happen to him, what if it happened
to me? The next day, I tried to brush off this feeling by
keeping myself busy with my daily responsibilities, but it was
to no avail. Busying ourselves with work, even if it is charity
or spiritual work, will not cover up our deep, underlying
emotional needs. In fact, the busier I got and the more I saw
Paresh, the more I started developing a fear of this unknown
disease. Just as the dark monsoon clouds covered the scene of
Paresh having a seizure while I looked on, a shadow of anxiety
covered my mind. It started affecting my daily activities and
my quality of sleep. Reasoning did not help in this situation as
the intensity of my fears was much larger than the strength of

my reasoning. In this situation, the mind takes over and leaves
intelligence and logic to mull in the background.
Leo Aikman said, ‘Blessed is the man who is too busy to
worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night.’ But in
my case, being busy did not solve the problem. Distracting
ourselves can give us relief for some time, but it usually does
not heal us.
As a young monk, I also believed that intensifying my
spiritual practice, meditating harder, praying harder, chanting
harder would help. To my disbelief, none of it helped. Even
in the name of spirituality, we can distract ourselves from our
emotional needs. The purpose of our spiritual practices is
not to specifically restore our emotional well-being and solve
our anxieties, although they have that side effect in general.
Yes, meditation can help with our stress, but if the cause of
our stress is another identifiable problem, we must deal with
the problem and not mask it in the name of protecting our
spiritual credibility. We must not bury our heads in the sand;
we must not ignore the signs that indicate we are struggling
with our mental health by covering them up with our spiritual
practices. Spiritual practices are meant to awaken our deeper
self. They are not there to deal with our physical or mental
ailments, although they may have that after-effect and can
complement our healing.
An easier way to understand this is to consider the
precautions we take when we are physically ill. If we fell
over and broke our leg, would we pray to god for it to be
fixed or would we visit a doctor? We would use our god-
given intelligence to visit a doctor to place us in a cast and
give us crutches. Although we do not abandon our spiritual

inclinations when we have a physical ailment, we must be
practical and seek the appropriate help. The same is true of
mental health.
The mind is a subtle aspect of the body. This concept
will be clarified in section 4. We should deal with our mental
health just as we would deal with a fever: either take prescribed
medication that will help our symptoms or seek help from a
therapist.
My lack of sleep was significantly affecting my daily
work. I could not help but think of Paresh’s situation. As I
write this, I think, ‘Why couldn’t I just get over it?’ However,
reverting to my previous analogy for someone who has broken
their leg, you cannot tell them to simply ‘get over it’. There is
a way of dealing with such issues.
The common responses are fright, flight or fight. Many
allow their mental health issues to linger through fright. They
keep their problem switch on in the background, just as a
medical clinic reception keeps the radio playing: you know
it’s there, but you are not quite listening. This can lead to
paranoia and worsening of symptoms over time. Another
group of people may decide to forcefully try and switch their
problem off. They use flight to run away from their problem,
turning to things like denial or being constantly busy to make
their issues feel insignificant. The final group try to fight the
problem. They do what they can to deal with their challenges
but go about it in an unstructured manner. Fighting is great,
it shows motivation and willingness to overcome the issue.
But it needs structure and strategy. A boxer learns everything
about their opponent and fights with a cool head. They
employ structure when trying to win; we must do the same

with our mental health.
We have all heard that the first step is always accepting
we have a problem. Just as the first step for an alcoholic in
the Alcoholics Anonymous programme is letting go and
admitting they have a problem, the first step in dealing with
our anxiety is admitting that we have or might have a problem.
By admitting that we are powerless, even for a split second,
we allow humility to settle in. It’s the feeling of humility that
allows us to seek the help we need. If we are anxious about
something and we feel we might need help, we can take a
moment to say out loud, ‘I am anxious about my problem. I
have been anxious about my problem for a certain number of
days or months or years. I want to face this anxiety and get rid
of it; however, I think I need help to do so.’
The first person I went to was my locker mate, Govinda
Das. He was one of the first monks to join the ashram in
Mumbai and I knew his wisdom was vast. I saw him every
morning and greeted him, but I could not quite muster up the
courage to tell him how I was feeling. It was hard to share my
weakness. After all, I am a monk: was I not supposed to be
above all this and be the ‘enlightened one’ guiding others? I
was also ashamed. What if other monks found out and would
judge me? After a few days, I realized that these monks were
my most trusted confidants. Monks are human too and I
am sure everyone goes through their challenges. The human
mind is like our software. It can malfunction regardless of
what the outer shell of gender, religion, nationality or socio-
economic status is made up of. I needed help—I admitted it
and decided to meet Govinda Das privately. As a side note,
I always recommend meeting those you trust privately and

not advertising your problems to the whole world. That
can be overwhelming and unproductive in helping you with
your anxiety.
Govinda Das is a grave person. He’s strict on himself,
but lenient with others. What this means is that he has the
determination of a lion, but the heart of a Bengali mother. As
I sat with him on the veranda of our ashram drinking hot tea,
I told him how I was struggling. I spoke with my head down
looking to the floor. At first, he laughed. It was not a laugh at
me, but a laugh that he knew what to do. A laugh with me.
Many times, we are so engrossed in our own problems that we
are unable to take a step back and see the solutions open to us.
I finished explaining my problem fully. He paused, said
some empathetic words, put his arm around my shoulders and
then gave me examples of people who he had helped through
similar fears. He helped me see that there was nothing I could
have done to help Paresh further and that what happened to
him was unlikely to happen to me. What he said next shocked
me, ‘Go and see a psychiatrist too.’ He told me that sleepless
nights and paranoia may also need to be handled with the
help of a professional.
‘A psychiatrist?’ I thought. ‘I don’t think my problem is
that bad. I’m fine. It’s just a little thing that is bothering me. I
don’t need to see a psychiatrist!’ For the readers of this book,
were you also shocked at this suggestion? How can a monk
see a psychiatrist?
Seeing a psychiatrist is taboo in many countries, but we
need to work to change that. This is not only the case in
India, but around the world. The stigma originates from the
way mental health professionals used to treat patients and

conjures up images of being in an asylum. It is especially
taboo for men to seek help as they, because of societal
expectations to be the breadwinners and strong, bury their
mental struggles away. Stereotypes about gender can leave
men damaged as they fail to live up to the dominant, in
control, strong personalities that our culture portrays they
should have. It is no wonder that in the UK, 75 per cent of
those who commit suicide are men.4 I admit that I also had
this perception that seeing a psychiatrist is for the weak, but
this could not be further from the truth. We go to a doctor
for our physical ailments; we should also feel comfortable
going to a doctor for our mental ailments.
I trusted Govinda Das’s advice, although it was hard to
digest at the time. I have never gone through anything like
this or dreamed I would ever need professional help for my
mind. This was not a huge issue, but it was consistently
nagging at me. If you hold a barbell out in front of you for a
moment, it won’t bother you. But if you hold the same barbell
out in front of you for an hour, it will cause significant strain.
Regardless of the weight, it is how long we are carrying it that
can cause injury.
Govinda Das suggested that I should go and see Dr Patel.
There were many Dr Patels in our community, but I knew
exactly which one he was talking about. This Dr Patel had
been a member of our spiritual community for many years and
had been training with a renowned senior for the last three
years since he passed medical school. Dr Patel was incredibly
bright and accomplished in his own right. But there was a
catch. I had been giving lectures, a weekly talk on spiritualty,
motivation and the mind, at Dr Patel’s medical school for the

past six years when he was there too. He always came to listen
and greeted me affectionately at the end. I had even done
significant discourses on dealing with the mind. How would
it look for me now to approach him with my issues? Was this
not a self-defeating action?
I returned to the first lesson we learn as monks: humility.
In fact, we pray for humility daily in our prayers: tri nad api
sunicena. We should have a humble state of mind so that we
can perfect our meditative state. Just as a blade of grass gets
stepped on and bounces back, we should be humble enough
to bow down so that we can gain wisdom. My prayers were
definitely working as approaching Dr Patel, my former
student, would humble me. However, it was a good thing and
an irrational hang-up. Just because someone teaches medicine
in a medical school does not mean they cannot get ill. Just
because someone is a mechanic does not mean that their car
will not break down. Just because someone is a dentist does
not mean their teeth will not decay. Just because someone is
a monk does not mean that they will not succumb to issues
of the mind and stress. The sooner we address our issues, the
better it is for us as we can get back to living a normal, stable
and fulfilling life.
At that moment, with Govinda Das, I decided to call
Dr Patel. Without a hint of superiority, he understood my
problem and I asked if I could see him in his clinic the next
day. He said that he was fully booked but offered to come
to the ashram to spend time with me personally. Another
humbling situation. At his clinic, no one knew who I was,
but in the ashram, everyone knew who I was and would see
that I was speaking with a practising psychiatrist. I snapped

.
myself out of these thoughts. If I met a dentist in the ashram,

would people jump to the conclusion that I had a toothache?
Although we may introduce ourselves by our professions,
humans are more than their careers.
Regardless of what people thought, I knew it was
important for me to see him. At times, we live our life based
on what others think of us rather than how life should be
lived. The next morning, after our morning meditations, Dr
Patel and I sat on the same ashram veranda where I had met
Govinda Das a day before. At first, I unconsciously put up
a front that everything was fine, but he was used to patients
doing that. Through his communication skills, he allowed me
to be vulnerable and tell him Paresh’s story. I had to wipe
the dust off the mirror or remove the filter from my post and
show him what I was struggling with in its clean, unedited
format. After hearing my story, Dr Patel said that I had
been under stress, but there was no serious issue. This too
would pass if I were to face my problems head-on. He had
said similar things to what Govinda Das had said, but coming
from a trained professional, it made me peaceful. After a few
days, my anxieties about the subject started to dissipate. The
processing of opening up to Govinda Das and Dr Patel was
needed for me to move on.
Relief
Opening up about our problems can help us feel lighter and

give us a sense of relief. If our problem is a huge box that we
are carrying, opening up to someone we trust would represent
them helping us carry the other side of the box. Many hands
make light work. The key is that they need to know a) how
to carry the box safely (be competent in listening and giving
advice), and b) be trusted to carry the box (be a trusted
friend who is non-biased and non-judgemental so as to not
embarrass us about opening up).
We often carry so much weight on our own. This can
make us feel isolated and lonely over time, harming our
inner peace and joy. There is an ancient story of the jackal
and the hunter that depicts this mental weight well. Once a
hunter decided to cross into illegal grounds to hunt a jackal.
He wanted to prove to his friends that he could catch the
largest jackal of the pack. In desperation, he had crossed into
a forest that was governed by another kingdom. As he walked
through, he noticed the jackal in the moonlight, drinking
water majestically from a stream. The hunter slowly took out
his rifle, aimed at the jackal and fired.
‘Who goes there?’ the hunter immediately heard from the
other side of the trees. It was a local officer patrolling the area.
‘Drop your weapon and show yourself!’ the officer shouted.
The hunter immediately ran to the jackal, knowing that if the
officer found it with his bullet, he would be prosecuted. He
stuffed the jackal into his large coat as the officer approached.
‘Who are you?’ the officer demanded.
‘I am a local hunter. Sorry, I am lost! Ouch . . .’ The jackal
was still alive! However, instead of telling the officer what
he had done, he kept hiding the jackal inside his coat and
allowed it to bite him multiple times. This analogical story
represents mental health. The jackal is our anxiety, and the
coat is our external appearance. Hiding our anxiety without
dealing with it only causes pain. Letting the jackal out of our
coats and admitting that we have a problem brings relief from
suffering. In real life, there is no angry police officer judging
us about our problems, but a trusted friend or professional
helping us.
Support
Not only do we feel lighter by opening up, but we also get the
support we need. This happens from three types of people:
• Guides and friends: These are trusted confidants who

we can share our hearts with. They can help us only to
the capacity they understand the problem themselves and
advise us accordingly. In many cases, we already know
the reason for our anxiety. We simply need someone to
bounce the problem off, diminishing our uncomfortable
feelings of shame and guilt.
• Experts: If our friends cannot help us, we should talk
to a professional. It helped me and depending on your
problem, speaking to a medical professional can help
you see things from a different perspective, and see them
rationally. In some cases, the medical expert may find it
apt to prescribe medication to help us.
• Universe: In sharing our inner issues and seeking help,
we gain the help of an additional power. When we
humble ourselves and admit that we need help, our focus
changes to finding the solution to our anxiety. This
allows universal powers to flow through us and inspire us
to succeed.
Exercise: Reflection on anxiety
Reflect on what makes you anxious. Is there a pattern that

triggers you to feel anxious? If so, what is it?
Think about the last few times you felt anxious. What
helped you feel less anxious and why did that help? Try and
identify a pattern of things that has helped you deal with anxiety.
Mr Malhotra felt happier after hearing that I had once gone

to see a psychiatrist. He had already felt better with the
breathing exercise we did, but now even more so after opening
up to me and discussing the issue deeply. I encouraged him
to seek help for his phobia while simultaneously trying what
he could do himself to solve the issue. I told him that certain
fears and anxieties come from imagined problems, but others
come from real issues that take a deeper insight and longer
time to solve. It’s important for us to tell the difference.
As I said goodbye to Mr Malhotra, I decided the next
port of call for me would be to shake off my jet lag and rest.
It was going to be a busy tour of the UK, meeting fascinating
people who all have their own individual stories and struggles.
Chapter summary:
• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental

illnesses in the world.
• The thoughts that we repeat not only are likely to
become our actions, but also our emotions. If we can
repeat our reasoning rationales, we are more likely

to calm the chattering mind.
• Instead of trying to suppress our feelings or ‘calm
down’, studies show that we should try and express
those feelings as excitement.
• If rational reasoning does not work and the ‘what
ifs’ get the better of us, there are other simple
physiological things we can do to help ourselves,
namely, exercise and stopping smoking and drinking
alcohol.
• It should be commonplace to seek help when we are
struggling with our mental health.
o Making ourselves busy with work, even if it is
charity or spiritual work, will not cover up our
deep, underlying emotional needs.
• Spiritual practices are meant to awaken our deeper
self. They are not there to deal with our physical or
mental ailments, although they may have that after-
effect and can complement our healing.
• The first step is always accepting that we have a
problem.
• I always recommend meeting those we trust privately
and not advertising our problems to the whole
world. That can be overwhelming and unproductive
in helping us deal with our anxiety.
• Regardless of the weight, it is how long we are
carrying it that can cause injury.
• Hiding our anxiety without dealing with it only
causes pain.
five
The Bird’s Nest: Dealing with Depression
‘Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more

common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to
conceal mental pain increases the burden. It is easier to say,
“My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken”.’
—C.S. Lewis
The heat in London is different from the heat in Mumbai.

When it gets hot in London, there is a dryness to it, and it
does feel as if the sun is penetrating your skin. Mumbai, on
the other hand, is humid. There is a dampness to the heat that
makes it difficult to sleep, especially in the ashram where we
have a range of monks all preferring different climates.
When I joined the ashram in Mumbai, we did not have air
conditioning in the temple hall. This hall is around twenty-
five by ten metres and because of the sheer number of monks
we have, around thirty of them have to sleep in this hall at
night. There is simply no space in the ashram! On one hand,
we would prefer they have their own space and that they don’t
have to sleep in the temple hall, but on the other, it’s great for
those who find it difficult to wake up in the morning, as the
86
The Bird’s Nest: Dealing with Depression 87
murmur of chanting monks who come to the hall way before

the time it opens for worship raises them from their slumber.
To suit the range of climates preferred, we had two zones
in the temple. The left side was the ‘fan-atic’ zone, and the
right was the ‘non-fan-atic’ zone. In the past we did not have
air-conditioning, we only had overhead swirling fans that
threw the air down on those below. There were monks who
enjoyed sleeping under them—the fan-atics—and those that
did not—the non-fan-atics. Personally, I was a hardcore fan-
atic, needing the cool breeze of a fan to get me to sleep.
One night as we were all sleeping, under our pop-up
mosquito nets that make the temple hall look like a mini-city,
one of the monks sleeping in the fan-atic zone woke up. He
unzipped his mosquito net and jumped out of it. He crept
around the other tents like a burglar snooping around a house.
‘What’s happening?’ I whispered to him, half-asleep. It was
two in the morning.
‘I think I see something,’ he said, startled to see me
awake. Like a gazelle running away from the pounce of a
lioness, the monk ran to the light switches, turned them on
and shouted, ‘Snake! Snake in the temple hall!’ All the monks
jumped out of their own mosquito nets, many of them tearing
their sleeping bags in the commotion. Many simply lay there
shouting ‘polite abuse’ back at him that it was not time to
wake up yet and to switch off the lights. Others were fast
asleep; not even an earthquake could wake them up.
I got up immediately, alarmed at the fact that there could
be a venomous serpent among our city of tents. What if it
bit someone? I went to the monk who was approaching a
slithering creature. It moved away from us, almost floating
on the temple floor. All of a sudden, another monk slapped

him on the side of his head. ‘That’s a child’s balloon!’ he
exclaimed. It was a long black balloon, the likes of which are
tied into various animal shapes at parties. It had been floating
around the floor due to the fans. Some monks laughed, others
hurled more ‘polite abuse’ at him, and some missed the whole
thing still being fast asleep. Relieved, we turned the lights
off and went back to sleep. As we woke up at 4 a.m., he was
extremely embarrassed and could not avoid the mockery of his
close friends about the incident for the next few weeks.
When the lights are off, our imagination turns simple
things into monsters. The pile of clothes on our chair, our
jacket hanging on the door, or a balloon being blown by the
wind. They can all seem like creatures from the underworld. It
is only when the lights are turned on that our fears are dispelled.
In the same way, our imagination can make reality out of the
darkness of illusion. It can create problems that are not true. It
is only when we turn the lights on—face our fears, anxieties and
insecurities, or seek help from those we trust—that we really see
if there is a monster there or a winter coat. This is an analogy for
the difference between short-term issues of the mind that can be
solved relatively quickly, like my episode with Paresh, and long-
term issues that plague the mind, such as depression. The first
steps are to switch the lights on to see what you are dealing with.
Exercise: Reflection on the mind’s ability to trick us
Recall any incidents where you initially felt as though you

were in danger but later realized that there was nothing to
worry about.
Reminding ourselves of these events will train the mind

to remain calm in stressful situations.
The UK is known for its universities. Oxford, Cambridge and the

London School of Economics, are all notable higher education
institutions training some of the brightest minds in the world. I
had the opportunity to speak at University College London on
my trip this time round, addressing over a hundred students on
controlling the mind to get rid of stress. The auditorium was
circular with red cushioned seats and large glass-paned windows
looking on to the outside world. I was addressing a group of
medical students and healthcare professionals on a topic entitled,
‘Physician heal thyself’. Nearly everyone had a notepad and pen
resting on the old wooden tables in front of them. This was an
older, musty lecture theatre modernized by the insertion of two
projectors beaming my presentation on to the screens above.
I have always enjoyed speaking to young people. Their
minds are still fresh and malleable like young bamboo.
Bamboo, much like our opinions, is flexible when it is young,
but as it ages, it becomes tough and rigid. This particular
group was full of energy, listening to my every word, looking
for inspiration, but at the same time, also looking for the
logic to what I was saying. They were not awed by my saffron
robes like students in India were. Many in the audience
were looking to catch a man of the cloth out in what he was
saying. Young people still have the confidence to challenge a
proposition until it is either defeated or understood. But once
they do understand it, they have the energy to transform it
into action, becoming catalysts of change to form a legacy for
a brighter world. I started by explaining to the audience the
fact that unless we are in a good place physically, mentally and

spiritually, we cannot be good healers.
As I was speaking, an uninvited guest entered the lecture
hall. It flapped its grey wings and flew to the top of the room.
A pigeon with a straw in its beak startled a few members of the
audience; I guess it was making a nest to lay its eggs in a corner
of the old room. It was the perfect place to build a nest as no
predator would think about entering a room full of a hundred
healthcare professionals. I was taken aback by our new friend
entering the room, but after a moment, the students focused
again as if nothing had happened. I guess they were used to the
pigeon entering but wary of protecting their clothes, bags and
notebooks from what it may drop on them.
Inspired by what I just saw, I changed the direction of my
presentation slightly. I asked the hundred-odd members of
the audience, ‘How many of you live in a home?’ Puzzled by
this rhetorical question, everyone nervously raised their hands.
I continued, ‘On any given day, how many of you count the
pigeons flying above your homes?’ Pigeons are as abundant
in London as they are in India. In fact, many people make a
living selling bird feed at Trafalgar Square to feed the flock of
pigeons who linger around Nelson’s Column. No one raised
their hands to my second question. I went on to tell them of
an ancient Indian anecdote regarding Emperor Akbar and his
minister Birbal.
One day Emperor Akbar and Birbal were taking a walk in
the palace gardens. It was a nice summer morning and there
were plenty of crows happily playing around the pond. While
watching the crows, a question came into Akbar’s head. He
wondered how many crows there were in his kingdom.
Since Birbal was accompanying him, he asked Birbal this

question. After a moment’s thought, Birbal replied, ‘There
are ninety-five thousand, four hundred and sixty-three crows
in the kingdom.’
Amazed by his quick response, Akbar tried to test him
again, ‘What if there are more crows than you answered?’
Without hesitating, Birbal replied, ‘If there are more crows
than my answer, then some crows are visiting from other
neighbouring kingdoms.’ ‘And what if there are less crows?’
Akbar asked. ‘Then some crows from our kingdom have gone
on holiday to other places.’
None of us keeps a count of the birds that are flying above
the roof of our homes, but when one enters and tries to make
a nest, we will notice it. In our house, they may be noisy, they
may lay eggs, they make a mess! Our emotions are similar.
We may have positive ones and negative ones throughout
the day, but we have to let them pass just as we let the birds
above our house move freely. However, when a negative
emotion makes a permanent residence within our minds and
starts affecting our well-being, we should address it. At that
moment, the pigeon started cooing in its monotonous way
and the auditorium laughed. I gave them another analogy to
cement the point, which they could connect to even better as
healthcare professionals. ‘How do we know we are ill?’ I asked
the audience. A young lady at the front wearing a lab coat
stood up and said, ‘When the body displays symptoms, sir.’
I nodded.
‘But can we actually see the cause of what is causing
our illness? Can we see the virus or bacteria with the naked
eye?’ The audience shook their heads. ‘Our bodies generate
symptoms to try and fight the infection and tell us that

something is wrong. Without these symptoms of pain or
fever, we would not be able to seek proper treatment.’ I
paused for a moment, making sure that I was going in the
right direction with these doctors. ‘There are simple viral
fevers that are cured with rest and plenty of fluids. Yet, there
are others—malaria, typhoid, pneumonia . . . these diseases
need extensive treatment from modern medicine at times or
they could be fatal,’ I continued.
I went on to explain that our mental health also produces
symptoms of unease, but they are harder to spot. Many
behavioural patterns are simply symptoms of an underlying
emotional turmoil that needs to be addressed. Symptoms
like gloom, a clouded mind, heaviness, fatigue, irritability,
mood swings, lack of interest, withdrawal from our work or
people, the feeling of meaninglessness, among many others,
could be underlying signs of anxiety and depression. But they
have an underlying cause that needs to be addressed. Just as
a thermometer is used to check our temperature and a blood
test is used to assess the markers of infection, we need to seek
help and be assessed when we are struggling with our mind.
Exercise: Addressing negative emotions
How will you address your negative emotions so that they do

not turn into a ‘nest’? Write an action plan.
For example: The next time I feel a negative emotion, I
am going to consciously take some time out to . . . This way,
I can try and address the emotion before it lingers and creates
a long-term negative effect.
Remember, this needs to be done as soon as you first

identify the negative feeling.
Sadness and Depression
Studies suggest that over 40 per cent of us will suffer from

depression in our lives.1 That means every other person you
meet in the street will go through this disease. However,
depression is poorly understood. Many people mistake
depression for sadness and sadness for depression because they
share many similarities. In both, people feel lost, complain
of alienation from their normal lives and cry. However, the
difference is that the person who is sad has a specific reason
for their sadness, whereas the depressed person may not. It’s
easy for the sad person to tell you what is bothering them:
the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or the breaking of
a relationship. The depressed person is just depressed; they
can’t pinpoint what is causing their hopelessness.
Because of this lack of clarity on why someone is feeling
depressed, it is common to prescribe medication to lift such
patients out of their state of despair. The pharmaceutical
industry, and rightly so in many cases, writes that depression
is due to a change in brain chemistry that needs to be
corrected with cost-effective medication. The lack of a clear
psychological cause of depression can also frustrate the friends
and family of those who suffer from depression. These people
may offer solutions that are unpalatable, or may accuse them of
‘not trying to get better’ or even exaggerating their symptoms.
There is another solution to depression which has
a growing evidence: psychotherapy or ‘talk therapy’.
Psychotherapy aims to help people understand their feelings

and gives them solutions to help them face their challenges.
Although it sounds similar to counselling, psychotherapists
believe that there are deeper traumas that are banished to
our subconscious governing our moods, actions and state
of well-being. Therefore, they believe that depression does
have a deeper cause that needs to be explored by talking to a
psychotherapist. It is believed that the reason depression and
sadness are closely linked is that depression is sadness where
the cause has been unconsciously forgotten to protect you
from overwhelming feelings of loss and pain. Talk therapy
can help with depression, low self-esteem, bereavement,
addiction and other severe mental health conditions.
Why might someone then be depressed? What could
they be unconsciously trying to block out? It could be
trauma from their childhood—the lack of care from a
parent, trauma from their relationships—problems with
their marriage or trauma from their career. The list goes
on and a psychotherapist wants to uncover what that
trauma is. Furthermore, a person who is depressed may not
understand that they are depressed. They may not feel they
need to expand their self-awareness to help themselves.
This plays into the theory that people become depressed
without a cause, propagating the erroneous notion that only
medication can uplift their state.
People who suffer from depression can have lowered
self-esteem, feel shame and guilt and, at times, have suicidal
thoughts. People who are sad are generally upset about
something that has happened to them and can specifically point
it out. They do not feel a lack of self-worth. An interesting
point is that, in some cases, depression is associated with a

euphoric mood known as mania; thus people who suffer from
this type of depression are labelled ‘manic depressives’ or more
recently, as people who suffer from bipolar disorder. They
seem happy but deep down, are submerged in dissatisfaction
for life. You only have to search on the Internet to see how
bipolar disorder affects many people regardless of their fame
or wealth.
Both those with bipolar disorder, who hide their
depression with ‘happiness’ and classic depressives, who show
their depression through ‘sadness’ have one thing in common
according to psychotherapists. With both types, feelings of
pain or wrath are subdued and not directed at those who
caused them. Over time this leads to self-hating to avoid the
issue at hand that may have been caused by another person.
Someone with depression would rather mask their true
emotions than deal with them.
I am not a medical professional or a psychotherapist, but I
use many of these principles when I help those who approach
me as a monk. People who are depressed need someone
to listen to them, someone to support them. Although
medication can help them arrive at the conclusion, they need
to speak to someone because I feel the disease cannot be solved
just by ‘fixing the brain chemistry’. Only by uncovering the
cause of the depression and the unresolved trauma that lingers
within, can it start to be solved. People with depression need
to know that someone cares, and their emotions are allowed.
They are allowed to feel angry; they are allowed to feel upset;
they are allowed to feel manic. They need to mourn the life
that was taken away from them just as one would mourn the
loss of a loved one. For example, if someone experienced little

love from their parents growing up, that person should get the
validation that that action of their parents was wrong. It is the
role of a parent to give love and the depressive should have a
space to mourn that loss of love they experienced.
Within my own community, we find that those who
practise spirituality can suffer from depression as well.
This may come as a shock to you, as all those who practise
spirituality are ‘supposed to be happy’ but, as stated earlier,
we can fall into the trap of masking our state of mental well-
being with spiritual practice.
A few years ago, a young member of our community,
Ajay, approached me with the symptoms of depression. He
told me he was irritable with others, did not want to serve
others and really wanted to become a recluse. I probed him
further and he said he would binge-eat anything he would get
and just wanted to sleep, avoiding his duties. The symptoms
he was experiencing were concerning.
Ajay was the oldest of four brothers. He came from
a middle-class background from one of the suburbs of
Mumbai. For most of his life, he had shared a room with one
of his youngest brothers, never really getting space to express
himself. ‘The oldest always sets the example’ his father would
chant to him as a mantra. Although most military families
are not like this, his father, who had served in the military
for a few years, was strict and trained his family as if they
were living in the barracks. His philosophy was, ‘It is my way
or the highway.’ He would not tolerate anyone raising their
voice at him in the house, although he would scream at the
‘incompetence’ of his sons.
Ajay was not smart academically. Numbers were his

enemy and letters were their sidekick. However, where he did
excel was with a paintbrush. Ajay was gifted at art, but that
was not valued in the household. He would dread parent-
teacher meetings as he knew the maths, science and English
teachers would give him a ‘below average’ status, enraging
his father. He knew that that evening his father’s belt would
come off and his other academically gifted siblings would
laugh as he took the buckle end of it. Although his mother
praised his artwork, his father would laugh at it saying that
this ‘is not what real men do’ and ‘will not get you a job in
Mumbai’. His father would mock him in front of relatives
telling them that it was ‘first the worst, second the best’ with
his children.
It was hard for Ajay to open up. His mind was a fortress
as his father had trained him never to reveal what he was
thinking. Being tough was what mattered. Raising his voice or
expressing his emotions in his parental home was forbidden.
Not to say there were never good times, but the experience
of a regimented, harsh and unloving father can take its toll
on anyone. Being berated once or twice can be manageable,
but the constant sarcastic, condescending voice of your own
father can be hurtful.
The psychotherapists would understand Ajay’s story as
one of classic depression. Wanting to avoid addressing how
his father treated him and, to some extent, did still treat him,
Ajay would have probably pushed those emotions to the
back of his mind. For Ajay, it was easier to live being berated
than accept that his father was emotionally and verbally
abusive. This is not to say parents cannot discipline and be
strict with their children, but love must be the guiding force
and intention. For Ajay, these suppressed feelings led to an
emotional crisis and therefore his reaction was that as written
above. Ajay had become a wreck. This wasn’t a generalized
anxiety disorder, but I understood it as depression. Only a
qualified doctor would be able to diagnose it.
Listening to and understanding Ajay’s problem, I realized
that there were three things he could do:
• Read more about his condition and see what he could do

to help himself.
• Approach a qualified psychotherapist and keep coming to
me for informal counselling.
• Approach a doctor to assess whether he needed
prescription medication to help him.
These three can all work together, but the ratio of how well
they work depends on the magnitude of the problem.
When the magnitude of our problem is less than our
ability to deal with it ourselves, self-help works. When the
magnitude of our problem is overwhelmingly greater than
our ability to deal with it ourselves, we need to seek help
either through medication, therapy or both together. When
someone is trying to lose weight, they may be able to do it
themselves without any external guidance. However, in
other cases, they may need to see a nutritionist or trainer
or even undergo medical surgery. This analogy extends
further. We have reached such a pinnacle moment in the
state of our mental health as a planet. Just as morbidly obese
people needing medical help have increased, those needing
medication intervention to help them with their depression

have also significantly increased.
One should note that we might not always be the right
people to help someone suffering from depression and they
might need medical help. When we are helping others deal
with their depression, we should:
1. Listen—help the person come to a state where they can

accept that they have an issue.
2. Identify—help the person come to a state where they feel
comfortable identifying that issue.
3. Empower—help the person gain their sense of worth
and value, and help them see how they have the power to
come out of it all.
4. Address—find a solution to their depression by one of
the three solutions given above. It is important not to try
and play the role of a qualified psychotherapist in this
process.
Affirmations
There is a famous saying, ‘Don’t speak negatively about

yourself, even as a joke. Your body doesn’t know the
difference. Words are energy and cast spells; that’s why it’s
called a spelling. Change the way you speak to yourself, and
you can change your life. What you’re not changing, you are
also choosing.’ You may have already heard of affirmations
or positive affirmations. ‘You can do it’, ‘You are valuable’,
‘You are loved’, are all examples of phrases that people say
as affirmations. They are positive statements that can help
us overcome self-defeat and negative thinking patterns. Our

thoughts become our words, our words become our actions
and our actions become our character. Therefore, if we can
change our thoughts and words, we can substantially improve
how we behave. Positive affirmations may seem superficial
and cringy, but research shows they work. Many of us do
repetitive exercises to improve our health such as going to
the gym, but what about exercises for the mind? Positive
mental repetitions can rewire our mind to help us change our
outlook. This is not to say that your depression will be cured
by positive affirmations. That would be a ludicrous claim, but
literature does show that it can help.
Positive affirmations can help us with stress. One study
found that practising affirmations for a short period of time a
day can improve the ‘problem-solving abilities of chronically
stressed subjects to the same level as those with low stress’.2
But the research goes further. Another study suggested that
affirmations can give us a stronger sense of self-worth that
has tangible benefits in our actions.3 For example, if we are
depressed about our work-ethic, affirmations can help us
cement the values we aspire to have and believe in, helping us
boost our own well-being.
Three ways to avoid feeling depressed
In the spiritual culture of Bhakti yoga, we have a saying, ‘It

could have been worse.’ This is a phrase you tell yourself, not
others when they are facing a calamity. There are many things
we can do to save ourselves from feeling depressed or to prevent
things from getting worse if we already suffer from depression,
besides consulting a professional. As bad as depression can be,

we can be helped by following these given ways of avoiding
it. Just as by using an inhaler, an asthma patient can prevent
their wheeze from turning into a full-blown asthma attack,
similarly, there are many interventions you can do that can
help you move away from feeling depressed.
One thing to note with the points below is that science
shows that depression can be due to genetic reasons in up to
40 per cent of people. That means that some people have a
greater predisposition to the disease than others. Some people
will have a harder time with their mental well-being than
others due to no fault of their own. However, we still have the
other 60 per cent, the majority of which can be influenced to
a large extent by our actions.
Sleep
It’s become fashionable to work until the point of exhaustion

and scroll until the point of sleep. Getting enough sleep not
only helps avoid physical illness, but also helps us with our
mental well-being. On average, doctors recommend that we
get between seven and nine hours of sleep a day. If we are
getting quality sleep, we can avoid many of the symptoms of
depression.
Health checks
Seeing a professional could be important to check if there could

be an imbalance with our hormones. A qualified healthcare
professional will be able to tell if there is a deficiency or over-
activeness in one of our hormones. It is important that we

explore concrete medical tests in addition to time with a
counsellor or therapist. A simple blood test will be able to
tell us our levels of oestrogen, progesterone, testosterone, etc.
Many people also forget that a deficiency of vitamin D may
be adding to their symptoms of depression. A simple walk
in nature can boost their levels and have fantastic results
over time.
Diet
Eating healthy is an important factor in preventing depression.

Fresh fruits, vegetables, grains and plenty of water are key to
defeating the disease. Do you snack or crave junk food when
you are going through a hard time with depression? You are
not alone. You are what you eat, physically and mentally.
Therefore, it is important to eat fresh food. A word on coffee:
avoid it after midday. This is because caffeine, the active
ingredient in coffee, takes twelve hours to pass through our
body. That’s half the day! If we have coffee after midday,
chances are we will still be awake at midnight. We want to
avoid that as having a good night’s sleep is essential for us in
preventing signs of depression.
After I finished my lecture in London, a few medical
students approached me to discuss their personal issues. They
confirmed that they had also had pigeons making nests in their
houses for a long time. I could not give them psychotherapy
or medical advice; however, even if one of them were helped
on their journey to combating anxiety and depression based
on what I had shared with them, it was a success.
Chapter summary:
• The first step is to have a clear view or understanding

of what we are dealing with.
• When a negative emotion makes a permanent
residence within our minds and starts affecting our
well-being, we should address it.
• Studies suggest that over 40 per cent of us will suffer
from depression in our lives.
• Talk therapy can help with symptoms of depression,
low self-esteem, bereavement, addiction and other
severe mental health conditions.
• When the magnitude of our problems is
overwhelmingly greater than our ability to deal with
them ourselves, we need to seek help either through
medication, therapy or both together.
• Positive affirmations can help us overcome negative
thinking patterns and have the power to rewire our
mind to help us change our outlook.
• If we are getting quality sleep, regular health checks
and are eating well, we can avoid many of the
symptoms of depression.
six
The Last Wish in a

Pen Drive: Dealing with Guilt
‘Guilt is to the spirit, what pain is to the body.’

—Elder Bednar
Returning from my lecture in central London to the serenity

of the ashram at Bhaktivedanta Manor, I lay down to rest. At
times I cannot help thinking, ‘Did I give that person enough
time?’ ‘Did I say the right thing?’ ‘Could I have done more to
help?’ The burden of being the person helping is sometimes
greater than the one who needs help. We have to make sure
that we are giving our best to those who seek our help.
Let’s take a minute to think about doctors. Although they
may be seeing a number of patients a day and treating a variety
of illnesses, the next patient is seeing the doctor for the first
time. Therefore, they need to be focused at all times although
they may be tired. At times, doctors have approached me with
their guilt at not having given a patient adequate time due to
being fatigued and not being able to spend enough time with
their family due to their strenuous profession. Responding to
this is always challenging, but I do so from a place of empathy
104
The Last Wish in a Pen Drive: Dealing with Guilt 105
as I have experienced a fair deal of guilt over the years in my

quest to help others.
I grew up in a loving family, but we did not have much
in terms of material possessions. We lived in an old housing
complex called a wada or chawl. There were twenty-five
houses in one building that had common walls. It can be
likened to terraced housing in the West, but the walls were
paper-thin. You could hear everything that was happening in
the wada, from who was arguing about not doing the laundry
to who was hosting a party; everyone knew everything about
everyone else. Although this sounds bad, it did bring a sense
of community to the building. All of a sudden, you had many
more aunties and uncles who would look out for you. At
times, this did not work in my favour as my teenage activities
were quickly reported to my mother and father.
One thing that I do not miss about the wada is the lack
of toilets inside the building. The toilets were situated in an
outhouse that was shared between twenty-five families. Just
thinking about it I can remember the stench that came from
it and the queues that built up to use the bathroom. In the
morning, it was not just you against your sibling to use the
toilet, it was you against the entire complex! I guess this was
training for when I would become a monk. We have nearly
a hundred monks all living together, and we share ten toilets
and shower rooms. It’s first come, first served at 3.30 in the
morning when we wake up. The early bird gets the worm and
the early monk gets the shower.
Back to my childhood—in our house, we had six people
living together. It is quite customary in Indian culture to
live as a large family unit. My grandparents, my mother, my
father, my sister and I lived in one of the twenty-five houses.

It was congested in that house, but it was definitely a happy
home as we had a common purpose to look after each other.
My father worked for the meteorological department of
India in the administration department. One habit I remember
about him, come rain or shine, would be his smoking. He was a
chain-smoker going through packs of Charms cigarettes. His
voice was coarse from it and his fingers developed callouses
from where the cigarette would lie. My father knew that
smoking was bad for him. Out of embarrassment, he would
never smoke in front of my grandparents, but would not mind
firing one up when they were not around. As children, we
did not understand that smoking is so dangerous. It was just
part of who my father was, a distinct characteristic that was
emblematic of his personality. My mother, on the other hand,
would get livid whenever he would smoke, but she would not
overtly express her feelings. She would do everything she could
to help him stop smoking: inspire him, help him, coax him,
fight with him; literally do anything she could. However, her
efforts always went in vain. Like clockwork, my father would
go back to his lighter and tobacco, not being able to withstand
the intense withdrawal symptoms.
I remember vividly as a teenager a conversation between
my mother and her friend who was visiting from out of
town. Their voices echoed through the paper-thin walls into
my room. They were sipping chai, gossiping and laughing
as mothers do when they get together. It’s not that I was
eavesdropping, but it was hard to stop listening to what
they were saying. My mother’s friend was talking about her
husband, ‘All he does is smoke all day and smoke all night.
Our son is now imitating his smoking habit to please his

father.’ At that point, I came downstairs for a glass of water,
but with my ears still red-hot.
‘Not true for me . . .’ I whispered to myself. I forgot about
the walls.
‘What was that?’ my mother said in Marwari, our mother
tongue.
I coughed up my water knowing that I had been heard.
‘Nothing. It’s just that knowing what smoking tobacco is
doing to my father’s health, I would never touch a cigarette
in my life.’
‘You’re a good boy,’ my mother’s friend said. Although a
teenager never wants to be a ‘good boy’, I was a fairly obedient
child and blushed.
I had a rocky relationship with my father. We were like
chalk and cheese. There were many things that we clashed
on, but smoking was one of the biggest. It was ruining his
health and affecting my mother’s happiness. Over time, as I
grew through my teenage years, I stopped speaking to him. It
seemed we would argue on every issue, so I thought it best to
stop communication altogether. Don’t get me wrong, he was
a great dad and provided for us. Deep down I loved him and
he loved me, but expressing ourselves was difficult. For nearly
two years, we did not speak to each other. He tried to speak
to me, but to no avail—I usually ignored him or brushed off
his words to stop the conversation.
My relationship with my mother was the other side of
the spectrum to my father. We would speak all the time; I
felt comfortable opening up to her. On reflection, the love of
a mother is so visible: it’s active, always there with the child,
nourishing them. It gets noticed, appreciated and celebrated.

However, a father’s love is seldom valued. Fathers also sacrifice
and struggle for their children, yet because it is out of sight, it
is often out of mind.
Scientists agree with this analysis. Dr Lars Perner, a
consumer psychologist from the University of Southern
California, told the BBC, ‘Most of us simply think our
mothers deserve better or bigger presents. To some extent,
right or wrong, mothers are often considered to be the
biggest contributor to home life.’ He adds, ‘People tend to
understand the sacrifices they make, that’s what you see.
Moms have a special place in people’s hearts—there’s a
special idea of what they offer the family.’ On fathers, he
says, ‘Perhaps dads are also less interested in tangible tokens
of appreciation. I think fathers think they don’t really need
expensive, showy trinkets, or anything like mom’s bouquet of
flowers. They’re not typically gift-oriented. They generally
don’t expect anyone to feel an obligation to buy material
items for them.’1
Think about the difference between Mother’s Day and
Father’s Day. Mother’s Day was first celebrated in 1908,
whereas Father’s Day was established in 1966. That means
it was only sixty years later that the world recognized that
fathers do something. I sometimes hear the ladies in the
temple tell their husbands that is the same period of time
it takes for their husbands to complete household chores!
Mother’s Day is celebrated in seventy countries, whereas
Father’s Day is celebrated in only fifty-nine countries. In the
US, the average amount someone spends on their father is
$135 on the weekend of celebrations. This is compared to
around $186 on the similar weekend for mothers. This is

constant around the world where both secular holidays are
enjoyed. We spend a third more on our mothers than our
fathers: $15.5 billion on fathers and $23.6 billion on mothers.
This is not to underestimate or overstate their respective roles
and both are equally deserving of our love and respect. It’s just
that fathers can often get neglected when it comes to their
share of appreciation.
One evening as I was studying, my father came into my
room and sighed. I ignored it, pretending to not hear it as I
gazed into my textbook with my lamp creating shadows on
my face. All of a sudden he fell at my feet, with tears in his
eyes, and pleaded, ‘Please stop ignoring me. I am your father
and I will try and change my habits. I cannot take you not
speaking with me. Please speak to me . . .’
I turned away from his sombre face as my mother entered
the room.
‘What is wrong?’ she asked me as I tried to get back to
reading my textbook. She took my dad’s side, ‘I think you
should not be treating your father like this. You should talk
to him. It’s been long enough now, and you know how much
he loves you!’
I could never say no to my mother, so the next day I
decided to take baby steps to making conversation with him.
After a couple of weeks, I was speaking to him again, but
then a bombshell hit them: I left my career, my home and
my family to become a monk. That was devastating for them
as it was as if I had given up on society, given up on them,
given up on providing them grandchildren and security.
I knew that my decision was causing them a lot of pain.
However, as a twenty-one-year-old, I felt that I was serving

a cause bigger than myself that would bring many more
people happiness.
In the first few years of my time as a monk, I would visit
my parents’ home every year. Every year, on the train journey
from Mumbai to Pune after taking a vow of celibacy, I would
think of apologizing to them for the pain I caused when I
left. But I could not do it. A three-letter word called ‘ego’
stopped me from saying a five-letter word called ‘sorry’. I
also wanted to apologize to my dad directly for stopping all
communication with him, but I had convinced myself that
what I’d done was right. As a matter of fact, I only stopped
talking to him so that he could feel the pressure and guilt of
smoking, and this was my way of urging him to quit. And I’d
done that for him and my mother.
Something I did realize years later was that saying sorry
does not always mean we are wrong. Even legally, apologizing
is not an admission of guilt, it just means we are sorry for what
the person is going through and value the person more than
being right ourselves. This quote sums it up perfectly, ‘What
do we gain by proving that we are right? Rightness. But what
do we lose? The person.’ That is not to say that we apologize
unconditionally at all times or become a pushover. We have to
learn how to place boundaries so that people learn to change
and improve themselves for the wrong they do, but as Fredrik
Nael says, ‘It takes both sides to build a bridge.’ A genuine,
heartfelt apology can work wonders to free our restrained
emotions. It can mend misunderstandings, weld broken
hearts and make relationships blossom again after a harsh
winter. It’s ironic that as a monk I preach this philosophy,
but back then, even though I was a practising monk, I never

apologized to my father.
Despite his reservations about my life as a monk, which is
a story for another book, my father had always been kind to me
when I visited him. From how I see parents behave with their
children at the temple, it is easy to see why parents forgive so
easily. They still see you as a small child and sometimes even
treat you as one.
One year, he had asked me to bring him recordings of
my talks from my tour in London. He could not travel to the
temple in Pune or come to any of my lectures in Mumbai
as he had been bedridden with Parkinson’s disease for a few
years. Parkinson’s disease is horrible. It’s a progressive nervous
system disease that affects a person’s movements. Symptoms
start very slowly, with a barely noticeable tremor in just one
hand. Most people suffering from it have tremors, but the
disorder can also cause stiffness and slowing of movement,
which deteriorates a person’s quality of life significantly. I
tried to cheer my father up that year telling him that he would
have to meet me at arrivals when I flew in from London so
that I could give him the lecture recordings straight away.
However, instead of my father rushing to the airport, I
had to rush to him a few weeks after I had landed in Mumbai.
I was meditating in the early hours of the morning. I usually
do not take my phone with me to avoid distraction, but this
morning I had accidentally taken it with me in my kurta
pocket. My mother called me at five o’clock. She was an
early riser but always understood that I wasn’t to be called
during these sacred sunrise hours. I answered. She sobbed
uncontrollably down the phone, unable to speak. Another
relative picked up her phone trying to calm her down. My

father had just passed away. Her life, her best friend had left
her alone. I was stunned. How does a monk react to the death
of a loved one? How do they process these emotions? There
is no amount of philosophy in the world that can cure the
heartache of losing one that is closest to you and there is not
supposed to be. When you are sad, you are meant to feel sad.
You are not meant to mask it over with philosophical jugglery.
I drove from Mumbai straight away in preparation for
my father’s final rites. I grabbed my laptop, downloaded my
talks from London that year on to a pen drive and put it in
my pocket. On the journey to Pune, I held the pen drive in
my hand, staring at it. I’d spoken so much on forgiveness and
the art of communication. Thousands of people had listened
to my lectures, yet I could not walk my talk in the case of
my father. At that moment, I felt as small as the flies inside
the vehicle. I was feeling the loss of someone who loved me
dearly, but as I clutched the USB and tears streamed down
my face, my overwhelming emotion was of guilt. The guilt of
not having said sorry to him, the guilt of not having patched
up my relationship with him out of ego, the guilt of the pain
I’d caused him because of my attitude. I would never be able
to say sorry again.
As I reached the house, the energy was heavy. It was filled
with people standing around holding cups of tea, not knowing
what to say or how much small talk was appropriate. In the
centre of the house, however, was my family. I consoled them
as the crowds of people watched my every action. I saw my
father lying there still. I placed my pen drive in his hand and
then grabbed his feet to offer my respects. I cried a few unseen,
silent tears and whispered, ‘Dad, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have

done this to you, I shouldn’t have done this to you . . .’ as
we took his body to the funeral home. What happened next
shocked my system.
More on that later . . .
We never know when we are going to lose those closest
to us. Victories and achievements in proving that we are
right are temporary, but the personal loss of someone dear is
permanent. Was my apology even heard by him? Did it mean
anything or was it a mental gimmick to remove the burden of
guilt in my heart? These thoughts swirled around my mind as
I sat next to his body.
Guilt trip
We have all gone through situations in life that we regret.

Mine was most certainly with my father. My ego had blocked
my path to a loving relationship with my father, causing him
pain. We can let others down and feel guilty. We may speak
harshly to them or deal with them inhospitably, disrupting
their expectations of us. However, we may also feel guilty as
we let ourselves down. We may feel disheartened as we are not
able to keep up with the self-imposed expectations about our
values and behaviour. Not keeping a commitment to ourselves
can lead to a reduction of self-esteem as we break trust with
ourselves. Would you trust someone who broke their word
repeatedly? It would be hard to trust them. Similarly, when
we break our own commitments and our actions do not match
our ideals, we lose trust in ourselves. At times it is easier to
forgive someone else for breaking our trust, than to forgive
ourselves for our own inadequacies. However, we must learn

to deal positively with the emotion of guilt to help our mental
well-being.
Guilt can be constructive and destructive. It is constructive
when it helps us correct a situation, improve ourselves
and when it displays that we have values, standards and
sensitivities to others. The lack of guilt suggests a lack of
conscience that crumbles into shamelessness in our actions
and the deviation of our moral compass. However, guilt-
tripping ourselves, or destructive guilt, can have symptoms
of a lack of self-forgiveness, magnifying the guilt out of
proportion to the problem and it does not lead to our growth
and progression.
At the same time, guilt can be reasonable and unreasonable.
Reasonable guilt is the feeling of regret we have when we have
actually wronged someone or ourselves, whereas unreasonable
guilt is the negative feeling when we are not at fault and yet
we go through regret and remorse.
Dealing with reasonable guilt
Dealing with reasonable guilt is fairly straightforward: we

can either fix the situation, fix ourselves or move on. Fixing
the situation or the mistake we made sounds easy, but as I
explained in the case with my father, it can be difficult.
While reading this, you may think that you would not
make the same mistake, but the ego makes us forget to do
the right thing because it is the hard thing to do. The human
mind wants to take the easy way out and follow the path
of least resistance. That means fixing a situation is left on
the back burner while the ashes of guilt pile up. A senior
monk once told me, ‘Repentance is passive rectification. But
rectification is active repentance.’ If I hurt someone or failed
to keep up with a personal commitment, true repentance is
about correcting that issue. That is a healthy way of dealing
with guilt. A saint is not one who does not make a mistake, but
someone who knows how to correctly rectify their mistake. In
my dealing with my father, if I had corrected my situation
by reconciling immediately after he pleaded with me, there
would be no room for guilt to unpack its bags. We need to
reflect and then act. The quicker the better. This will help
remove the burden of remorse that weighs us down. It may
be hard at first, but being unconditional in our apology is the
best way to say sorry even if it may have been their fault. This
is the most we can do. If a person does not accept a genuine
apology, at least we can rest knowing that we did the right
thing and hopefully, someday, they will be able to forgive us.
But what if there is no longer someone to apologize to? Does
it mean that that guilt has to stay with us forever? I did not
get to say sorry to my father. To this day, this affects my mind
as time has taken the matter into its own hands to relieve me
of an opportunity to address the issue at hand. The only way
to get rid of that guilt, when no one is there to forgive us, is
genuine repentance and trying to fulfil the expectations the
person may have had from us.
Fixing ourselves is even harder. If we are constantly in
the wrong, making the same mistake over and over again,
we should introspect and examine our behaviour patterns
to check if we are insensitive to others, which in turn causes
damage to ourselves. If we are able to identify that there is
a common thread in all our dealings, we can then work on

changing those habits and conditionings in a way that we
don’t end up hurting others and thereby burdening ourselves
with the guilt that follows.
What if we have done everything we can, to correct
the situations or ourselves? What if we are still harbouring
negative feelings for our wrongdoings, which in turn are
damaging our growth, peace and mental health? Believe it or
not, we cannot fix every problem we come across as we are not
the controllers of other people’s actions or emotions. Humans
are imperfect beings and can be irrational, always striving for
perfection. Mistakes happen, tempers are lost, unpleasant
words are spoken, harsh behaviour takes place. This is all
part of the human condition that we have to accept. To err is
human, to forgive, divine. If someone wrongs us and offers a
genuine apology wouldn’t we forgive, let go and move on? We
must treat ourselves with the same level of compassion. Self-
forgiveness is foundational in moving on and rising above
those negative feelings. We cannot forgive ourselves if we are
wallowing in guilt.
Think about it. Apart from sadists who take pleasure in
seeing other people suffering, would even those that we have
wronged feel happy if we held that guilt close to our hearts?
My mother constantly reminds me that my father loved me
dearly. Would he be happy to see me wallowing in a dark
pit of guilt? Would he be happy seeing me constantly punish
myself even though it was I who had wronged him? I believe
he would not. Rather than only regretting our action, let us
learn lessons from our experiences and avoid making the same
mistake again.
Dealing with unreasonable guilt
Changing our narrative with the right type of self-talk is

important, though they are not quite positive affirmations.
It’s a state of mind to deal with ourselves with kindness.
The ashram in Mumbai is unique as it is filled with
highly educated monks who chose a life of celibacy. Many
of them have a lot of professional corporate experience,
as engineers, doctors and lawyers! This works well, as it
means monks are able to connect with highly educated
and sophisticated people. We also have some monks who
are from very simple, rural backgrounds. Some are school
dropouts, and some can barely speak English. When I joined
the ashram, within no time I was interacting with some of
the most affluent in our community. I was being respected,
invited over to their homes for dinner, but monks from a
simple background were not, as they would not ‘fit in’. I felt
extremely guilty that here were monks who were senior to
me, they were more advanced in their spiritual practices and
had more experience and realization compared to me and I
was getting the adoration.
I remember opening up to a senior monk about this issue.
His advice was invaluable. He said, ‘I really appreciate your
empathy towards these other monks. You must also know
that you are not seeking this adoration. You have been gifted
with certain abilities and they have been gifted with their
own as well. Your abilities are bringing you this attention.
Is that your fault? Rather than feeling guilty, be kind and
empathetic to them. Never deal with them in a high-handed
way with a ‘holier than thou’ mindset. See what you can do
for their growth and benefit. That’s real action and not some
unreasonable sentiment. And yes, just because someone
doesn’t have the same opportunity that you have, that does
not mean you have to squander it in misery.’
Another tool we can use to deal with unreasonable guilt
is to separate the constants and the variables. Many of my
classmates from university have ended up working in some of
the most prestigious companies. One such friend moved to
the US to work in the technology industry. Like me, he lost
his father and was not there when he left the world. But his
story gets worse. He could not even come for the funeral due
to immigration issues with his visa. This left him with tons
of guilt that kept him up all night. He felt responsible for his
father’s passing. His thought pattern was, ‘If I wouldn’t have
gone to the US, I would have been around my father when he
needed me. I failed him as a son. I couldn’t spend the time that
I should have with him. I couldn’t even attend his funeral.’
Imagine these words looping in your mind continuously. He
approached me after six months of his father’s passing, feeling
like a wreck.
I told him that his father’s expensive medical treatment
for his rare condition was only possible because of his job
in the US. He would not be able to afford it here with a job
in India. And it is because of that treatment that he could
live a long and medically stable life. He added quality to his
father’s life. I went on to tell him of the times he did visit his
father and how his parents flew across from India to the US
at his expense. He did not come to complete his father’s final
rites not because he didn’t want to but because he physically
could not.
In mathematical equations, we have constants and

variables. For example, we have π (pi), a value that cannot
be changed. There are world records for people repeating the
numbers in π as fast as possible. Its value never changes so
it is called a constant. However, the value of x can change
depending on the equation. Therefore, it is called a variable.
We must identify the variables that are within our control
and work on them, but also identify the constants—things
that are beyond our control—and understand they will never
change. The feelings of unreasonable guilt caused by them are
irrational and we should use this realization to aid our healing
from them.
If all else fails, we must remember to go easy on ourselves.
We would not scream at others for making simple mistakes,
yet our internal voice can be our harshest critic. The rise of
social media has meant that we are constantly comparing
ourselves, at times feeling the guilt for what we are not doing.
In the ashram, we sometimes have a similar competitive
nature between the monks. We have one monk who doesn’t
eat or drink for five days straight during a sacred time of the
year. I remember trying that one year but could not keep up.
Instead of feeling guilty, I went easy on myself. This should
be the standard for all areas of life. We often impose on
ourselves idealistic standards that we cannot keep up with and
then feel guilty that we couldn’t do it. There are definitely
ideals that we all hold in high esteem. They may be related to
our diet, exercise, study, relationships and even meditation,
but we have to learn how to forgive ourselves when we do not
rise up to those high standards. What if we were realistic in
our estimation of our capacity? What if we did what we could,
and slowly, step by step, moved towards the ideal? We would

live life happy and confident, rather than being miserable
and guilty.
Chapter summary:
• We have all gone through situations in life that we

regret.
• Guilt can be constructive and destructive.
o It is constructive when it helps us correct a
situation and improve ourselves. A lack of guilt
can suggest a lack of conscience.
o Destructive guilt can have symptoms of lack

of self-forgiveness, magnifying the guilt out of
proportion to the problem and it does not lead
to our growth and progression.
• Guilt can be reasonable and unreasonable.
o We can deal with reasonable guilt by rectifying
the situation, changing ourselves for the better
and/or simply moving on if these two fail.
o For unreasonable guilt, we must identify the
variables that are within our control and work
on them, and also identify the constants—things
that are beyond our control—and understand
they will never change.
• In any case, self-forgiveness is foundational in
moving on and rising above those negative feelings.
section 2
OTHERS AND MY MIND
In section 1 we explored how we can learn to regulate our
own mind. In this section, we will discuss how other people
can affect our mind and the best tools with which to equip
ourselves. We may be able to regulate our mind, but we cannot
be held responsible for the actions of other people. That is
why it is imperative that we learn how our mental well-being
is affected by other people. We will be learning how to deal
with toxic behaviour, with lingering old memories of things
that have happened in the past, how to deal with criticism
honourably and finally, how to deal with grief.
seven
An Unexpected Humiliation:
Dealing with Toxic Behaviour
‘Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent and kick them out.’
—Robert Tew
It was a beautiful evening in my hometown, Pune. It was

December so there was no humidity, only a slight breeze to
cool everyone off after a warm day. Pune is situated in the state
of Maharashtra, and is known for its plethora of universities.
There are students everywhere. It keeps the residents of the
city feeling young, whatever their age. You never know what
is going to happen, not just with the mischief that surrounds
those coming of age, but the innovation and ideas that can
only spring from those hungry to achieve.
For me, this evening was special. It had been a few years
since my father had passed away and although it was hard to
return, I was happy to be back. I have spoken at many gatherings
around the world, but I had never spoken to members of my own
community, the Marwari community. As a people, Marwaris are
very charitable, but can be slightly stingy with their money for
125
other causes. They will count every penny in the pound. I admit
that this trait also flows through me as I haggle with a rickshaw
or ask for a discount on a hotel room rate when I am abroad,
regardless of the city I am in. I am a Marwari—we give with
our hearts, but also save with all eight fingers and two thumbs.
A thousand Marwaris were sitting under one large pandal
in front of a stage illuminated by bright lights to listen to one
of their own, Gaur Gopal Das. I do not normally get nervous,
but this time a slight sweat was gathering on my brow. As I
peered through the backstage curtains, I noticed many of my
friends and family in the audience. I had not seen them for
many years. In fact, some I had not seen since my father’s
funeral. I know many had seen my work online and wanted
to meet me in person and hear what a little boy that grew up
to be a monk could say to impact their lives. I went back to
the green room to meditate and also practise a few lines from
my speech that I had prepared in Marwari. I had not spoken
it in public for years; most of my lectures are in English or
Hindi. I did not want to make a fool of myself or embarrass
my mother by speaking sub-par Marwari. Also, my mother
tongue is a very intricate language, one wrong pronunciation
and the meaning can completely change. I know this from the
many typos that arise from the auto-correct on my phone. I
have sent countless ‘Hate Krishna’ messages instead of ‘Hare
Krishna’ messages to senior monks, who have immediately
called me to see if I was okay. I could not have that same
problem tonight. I breathed in deeply and out deeply, praying
to my spiritual teachers for strength and walked to the stage.
‘Gaur Gopal Das!’ the host shouted out. I walked on and
was greeted by a tumultuous cheer and round of applause
An Unexpected Humiliation: Dealing with Toxic Behaviour 127
from my community. The appreciation was overwhelming. I

felt like a soldier who had returned victorious from battle—
one of their men who was trying to do something good in the
world. I sat down on the stage and took a moment to look
around properly. I saw some of my family members in the
front row, including my mother, who was beaming as usual
as any proud mother would be. Our eyes met and I paid my
respects to her in my head, something I felt she understood.
Other people at the front included businesspeople, political
leaders and community elders.
When I was handed the microphone, I started with a
special invocation prayer that I usually chant before a talk:
mūkaṁ karoti vācālaṁ

paṅguṁ laṅghayate girim
yat-kṛpā tam ahaṁ vande
paramānanda-mādhavam
This special mantra means: ‘I remember with devotion the

Divine who can empower you to speak with eloquence and
to cross high mountains . . .’ It was heart-warming to say this
among an audience who followed along with the prayers. I
was ready to share my heart, share everything I had learnt in
my time as a monk.
I opened my eyes, but instead of seeing my mother, my
eyes met those of another ‘special’ person. He was sitting in
the front row. I had not seen him for over eight years. Isn’t it
interesting how your mood can change in an instant depending
on who is in front of you? You can be the happiest person
in the world, supported by thousands of your community
who are all cheering for you, but the sight of one person can
completely nullify that all.
Sensory inputs—such as the sights of people, places and
things; or smells, fragrances and aromas; or sounds, music and
songs—can govern how we feel. These are all things that can
transport us to another part of the world as they connect with
the strong memories that are associated with them. Some of
those memories are very pleasing and can thrill our minds,
while others are not, and can leave our minds disturbed.
A severe form of this can be post-traumatic stress disorder
(PTSD), which is caused by stressful, frightening or distressing
events. Flashbacks and nightmares are common ways in which
people with PTSD relive traumatic events. They may even
be bombarded with feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt
because of a serious episode in their lives. These symptoms
are often severe and persistent enough to have a substantial
impact on the person’s day-to-day life. Although not quite as
severe as the PTSD suffered by soldiers or doctors, I believe
seeing that person conjured up memories that affected me.
This man was a reputed and respected leader in the
Marwari community. He was also a distant family member
of ours, which made matters worse as I knew he would have
spread his opinions to those dearest to me. Seeing him in the
audience opened a new window in the browser of my mind,
accidently closing the window ready to give my lecture. For
a few minutes, I stuttered. I saw him smirk and look around
at his friends, as if trying to gather support to say, ‘I told you
Gaur Gopal Das was good for nothing.’
To explain what this man had done, I have to take you
back to the day I rushed to Pune when my father passed away.
I had grabbed my father’s feet that day and dropped silent

tears, the way he had with me when I’d refused to speak to
him. I’d then apologized and given him the pen drive of my
lectures in London. I’d put it inside his hand as I paid my
respects at his feet. I knew he was proud of me, and I hoped
that he could listen to his son speak fondly of him wherever
his soul now rested. After this episode, a few members of
my family and I had lifted my father’s body and taken it for
cremation.
In the spiritual tradition I follow, the body is not buried,
but cremated on a wood pyre. The body, made of matter,
serves no purpose in this world without the spirit that drives
it. Therefore, it is burnt, and the ashes are collected to be
spread at the holy sites of India. As my father’s body lay on
the wood pyre and members of the community came to pay
their respects, many people were saying kind words about him
to me. Most people were wearing white and chanting sacred
mantras or hymns to uplift the spirits at the funeral site. A
priest led the ceremony, placing items on my father’s body
according to Vedic customs.
Isn’t it ironic that when we are born, people love us
and when we die, people love us, but in between we have to
manage somehow?
As I grieved for my father, I could figure out the people
who were genuine friends and spoke warmly about him, and
others who only spoke well because the occasion demanded it.
But I appreciated both of them. I also knew how bad some of
them had been to him and how they had used his good, simple
nature to take advantage of him in business, relationships and
life. One of the people speaking in front of everyone was this
gentleman, a de facto leader of the Marwari community in

Maharashtra. He was in the front row at my father’s funeral
and now in the front row at my talk.
This man had nothing to do with our family; he had no
involvement with us. He had not gone through the good times
with us and had certainly not shown up to help us through
the bad times. However, at times, we must accept the social
position someone carries and allow them so as not to create
a ruckus in the community. With my father’s body still lying
there, this man came up and spoke some pleasantries about my
father as expected. However, the next thing he said made my
community gasp, ‘This man would have lived much longer.’
He said, ‘But his son, one Gaur Gopal Das, is the cause of his
early death. Had he not left home to become a monk, had he
not caused so much mental anguish to his father, had he not
caused his poor parents so much agony, his father would still
be here with us today, laughing. It is his fault that he has been
taken away from us . . .’
All eyes were on me. Some were of pity, and some were
angry as they believed the community leader’s claims of
my actions. I sank into my seat. I could not believe what I
had just heard. My mind started racing, flipping between
embarrassment, anger and sadness. How had this man come
to that conclusion? What did he know about our family
situation? How dare he criticize me in front of the whole
community at my father’s funeral?
The energy in the room changed from one of love to
one of awkwardness. My family members looked at me in
sympathy, knowing what he said was not true. However,
there were others there who’d bowed their heads trying not
to make eye contact. I sat there in silence. I was shocked and

appalled. This was a sombre occasion, a time for reflection on
the life of my father; a time for the community to look after
our family. Not only was I part of the community, I was also
a monk. If he did not respect me as a person, he could have at
least respected the tradition that I represented. I just sat there
understanding that the best thing I could do in that moment
was to do nothing, to not increase the tension in the room.
There was no way I would react. My mother would not want
that, my spiritual teachers certainly would not want that. He
was still an elder and a respected member of the community.
I remember that rain had begun to pour from the heavens
right then, as if on cue. The wooden logs of the fire that were
meant to take my father’s body were too wet to be set alight, so
we had to take his body to the electric incinerator. The doors
of the furnace opened to engulf my father and then closed. As
he went in, I chanted a sacred mantra to respect the fire that
would take him, but my mind was still preoccupied with what
that man had said. The last moments with my father’s body
were now tainted with the words of criticism.
My mind came back to the lecture I was giving.
I had to speak for the over nine hundred other people who
were eager to listen to me and block out the memory of that
gentleman who was right in front of my nose. It was not easy
to do this as what he had done was exhibit toxic behaviour,
which had left a deep burn in my mind. As the famous saying
goes, ‘What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than Sally.’
I hate labelling people as toxic. No one is fully toxic or a ‘super
villain’ despite what we see in the movies. However, people
can get caught demonstrating toxic behaviour in their actions,
their energy, their words, their dealings and their insensitivity,

which can hurt us.
We all know of someone who continuously demonstrates
toxic behaviour. They may make us feel worse after we meet
them than we did before. For me, it was a member of my
community, but for you it might be someone at work, a close
friend or even someone in your immediate family. ‘Being
toxic’ is a common phrase and is thrown around in day-to-
day language, but it is hard to define scientifically. Just as
we discussed labelling our own emotions in the first chapter,
when it comes to other people’s behaviours, we should start
labelling behaviours that are problematic. In many cases, it is
easier to spot these behaviours in other people than it is within
ourselves. Barrie Sueskind, a therapist from Los Angeles, has
written about ‘toxic behaviour traits’:
• self-absorption or self-centredness
• manipulation and other emotional abuse
• dishonesty and deceit
• difficulty in offering compassion to others
• a tendency to create drama or conflict1
These might sound commonplace, but it is important to note

that it is repeatedly demonstrating these behaviour traits that can
make someone toxic. We will go into more detail further in this
chapter. We can also classify toxicity by why it is demonstrated.
Types of toxic patterns
Everyone goes through difficulties in their life. Our emotions

move up and down like the waves in the sea. It should be
normalized that no one is perfect, and we all struggle in some

areas of our lives. We may get into a bad mood after being
stuck in traffic after work, we may be irritated by how our
partner leaves their laundry all over the house, we may even go
through misunderstandings with our friends over petty issues.
Whatever the reason, we may also end up exhibiting toxic
behaviours because of a given situation. We take note of such
behavioural traits because of a situation to make sure it does
not become a repetitive pattern. We have to assess whether
the incident deserves our empathy or our correction.
When we know that someone’s toxic behaviour is not
situational, it could be a habitual toxic trait. At first, we
should give them the benefit of the doubt as their habit may
be unintentional. Although the responsibility of our actions is
our own, we are a product of our environment. Therefore, the
way we develop habits may be unconscious. If a person is toxic
because of this, they also may need a dose of empathy from
someone to get out of this behaviour pattern. They need help.
It is important that we intervene promptly but sensitively, in a
way that they do not feel embarrassed and we do not become
the object of their toxicity.
The final type of toxic person is one who does so with
intention. They consciously behave in a certain way that
may hurt us. As stated above, they may be self-centred,
manipulative or dishonest in their behaviour, purposely.
With this type of person, it is important that we evaluate
their value in our life and deal with them accordingly. Are
they a close relative who is hard to ‘cut off?’ Are they a work
colleague integral to our business? Are they someone that we
do not need to be close to? Why this is important is that we
need to make a tough decision: do we approach them about
their intentional toxic behaviour, or do we move on with our

life without them? This may seem harsh, but protecting our
mental well-being is one of the most important things we
can do. As much as we want to, we cannot be friends with
a predatory wild animal. It is its nature to attack us if we
get close, so we have to just respect them from a distance.
I have been attacked by such ‘toxic animals’ in the past and
have learnt the lesson that we cannot be friends with them,
however much we want to.
It is imperative that, when categorizing people who carry
toxic behavioural traits into these groups, we do so in a mood
of not judging them, but protecting our own mental health
and trying to help them.
Diving into the types of toxic behaviours exhibited by

people:
• Negative:
o They are always complaining about the smallest
things.
o They love to gossip about other people.
o They focus on the negatives in life, which in turn
makes us feel pessimistic.
• Manipulative:
o They are political in all their dealings.
o They seem to use everyone and everything for their
own advantage.
o They are sweet talkers, but always have an agenda.
• Irresponsible:
o They do not take responsibility for their actions.
o They pass on many of their responsibilities to us

without taking stock of how it affects us.
o They do not seem grateful despite repeated help from
us.
• Self-centred and insensitive:
o They tend to make any situation revolve around them
when it does not.
o They are blunt in their dealings.
o They are harsh in their speech and behaviour
to the extent of making others feel insulted and
humiliated.
o They are emotionally abusive.
• Emotionally over-dependent:
o They don’t want to be toxic and are generally good
people.
o They are dependent on us to help them in most
situations without their own independent thought.
o They use us as a problem-solving machine; they
dump all their problems on us.
• Overly positive
o They are over-friendly.
o They are over-affectionate, e.g., parents who do
everything for their children from laundry to tucking
them in at night, sometimes even when they grow up.
o They are over-concerned, e.g., parents who constantly
check where their kids are without giving them space
to explore.
o They are over-involved, e.g., a partner who does not
keep a healthy boundary between them and their
loved one.
• Rigid
o Highly opinionated without the ability to change.
o Not flexible in their thought process to the extent of
being fanatical, i.e., it is my way or the highway.
o There is no possibility of dialogue with them—they
tend to be the ‘monologue guys’—we have to agree
with everything they believe in otherwise they get
upset, withdraw or disconnect.
• Unrealistic expectations
o They impose their own ideals on us without caring
about what we would like to do.
o They want what they want—the way they want it,
where they want it, when they want it.
• Blame game
o They make a mistake but do not take responsibility.
o They look for a situation, reason or person to pass the
buck to.
o They do not regret what they do or have any remorse.
When writing this list, I felt slightly odd, because when I

read it, I felt that it could apply to me in certain situations
as well. To an extent, we all have some toxicity within us,
but it may just be situational. Recognizing that is healthy.
When we point a finger at someone, three are pointing back
at us. Try it: point your index finger in front of you, three are
pointing back, your middle finger, ring finger and little finger.
However, when we are getting to the point of seeing these
characteristics repeatedly and it is affecting our mental health,
it may be time to open up to someone who we trust about
this issue. Otherwise, we will be left feeling angry, annoyed,
frustrated, victimized, mentally drained, guilty, spiteful or

wanting revenge. These emotions are not good. As we have
discussed, these emotions need to be dealt with effectively. If
not, we leave ourselves vulnerable to mental health problems
in the future.
How to deal with toxic behaviour
I wish I knew of the healthy ways to deal with toxicity before

the incident with the gentleman from my community at my
father’s funeral. I simply ignored him at that time, holding a
stiff upper lip, but I knew it affected me as I saw him in the
audience at my lecture. This is not an exhaustive list, but these
are some tools to help us deal with toxic people, depending on
why they are toxic.
Set your boundaries
India is a melting pot of different traditions with different

faiths, ethnicities, cultural and religious backgrounds.
However, there is one religion that everyone follows in India:
cricket. It could be considered the national sport of India as
it is so popular. Parents dream of their children picking up
a bat or a ball and playing for the country. The players are
treated like royalty or even better. I remember seeing a sign
at a cricket match, ‘Cricket is our religion and Sachin is our
God’. This referred to one of the greatest batsmen of all time,
Sachin Tendulkar.
For one who does not know the sport, cricket is difficult
to explain. It is a game played between two teams, generally
of eleven players each. One team is ‘batting’ and the other

is ‘bowling and fielding’. The individual batsman from the
batting team faces an individual bowler who has ten other
fielders on the cricket field (pitch). The bowler ‘bowls’ a
cricket ball down a twenty-two-yard pitch in attempt to
dismiss the batsman by hitting the wicket pegs on the other
side, or inciting the batsman to hit the ball so that the fielders
can catch it without it touching the ground. There are many
other ways to discharge the batsman. The aim of the batsman,
however, is to score ‘runs’—the currency of the game. In
football there are goals, in basketball there are points and in
cricket there are runs. The batsmen must hit the ball over
the boundary around the field, past the fielders on the pitch
to score more runs or away from the fielders in order to run
between the wickets placed on either side. After all the eleven
members of the batting team have had their turn to bat or the
specified number of balls, called overs, has been bowled, then
the sides swap roles. Whoever gets the most runs wins.
I did mention that cricket is very hard to explain on
paper. It is something that has to be seen to be understood!
The reason I explained it in this context is that when we say
‘boundary’, most people in India will think of cricket. Just as
the fielders must protect the boundary from the ball that the
batsmen hit, similarly we must protect our boundaries with
other people. This is the only way to win the game of mental
well-being.
It is our choice to control the quality and quantity of our
interactions with people. With every person in our life, we have
to know where to set our boundaries. How close are we to this
person? How much do we share with them? How much time
do we want to spend with them? These are three important

questions to answer that are dependent on our personal goals
and aspirations. We do not need to be calculating and create
an Excel sheet about this, but we should take stock of our
relationships and boundaries with people. When we know
that someone is toxic, we have to limit our interactions with
them by doing the needful. Strong boundaries mean we can
choose who can cross over into our lives, who has limited
access and who is restricted.
Exercise:
Reflect on your interactions with people this week. Have any

of them been toxic? Could you improve any of those dealings
by setting boundaries?
For example: ‘I spent too much time helping Josh with his
problems; in one week I spoke to him for a total of six hours.
Although I really want to help, I need to reduce the amount
of time I am spending dealing with other people’s issues as
it is affecting my mental well-being. I think the maximum
time I should spend on this sort of interaction is two hours
per week.’
Take charge of your emotions
The hardest word to speak out, from the English dictionary, is

‘no’. The human condition is such that we want to help other
people and please them. Whether it is due to the need for
social acceptance or out of genuine selflessness, it is difficult
for us to say no. However, for hundreds of years now, the
world has been transitioning from ‘survive to thrive’, which

means that for self-actualization and spiritual growth, we
need to learn how to refuse.
It is commonplace for people to agree to things to avoid
the discomfort of saying no. Scientists and research also agree
with this. In 2014, a series of small studies found that many
people would rather commit unethical acts, such as telling a
white lie even when they know it is wrong, than say no to
someone.2 Dr Emily Anhalt, a clinical psychologist, says that
that is the reason why many struggle with lies in childhood.
As children, they may have not learnt to speak up for
themselves. She writes that people want to help others but in
the process, they may forget that their ability to accommodate
is not endless. Saying no in certain situations may be hurtful
to our ego because it could be perceived as incompetence by
the other party, especially in a work scenario. In fact, this is
especially pertinent in a work-based context rather than a
social context.
Even in a social context, learning to say no is important,
especially if it means you are exposed to or get involved with
toxic behaviour. We don’t have to attend all the social drama
we are invited to. In other words, just because some people
are fuelled by drama, it does not mean we have to attend the
performance.
To say no, we have to take charge of our emotions and
reclaim our priorities. There will always be something in our
lives that will make us feel compelled to say yes, but if it leaves
us miserable and repeatedly strains our mental well-being,
then it is not worth it. We have to step out of the passenger
seat and learn to get into the driver’s seat for our own lives,
which means taking responsibility and accountability for our

own actions.
When a person takes the back seat in a car, they can do
as they please. They can take their attention away from the
road. They can talk on the phone, they can look out of the
window at the moving world, they can talk with the person
next to them, they can eat, they can drink and even watch a
video on their phone. But the driver cannot do this. If they
get distracted, there will be an accident. Similarly, as we go
through life, if we get distracted and do not respect our time
by saying no, we can never achieve what we want. If we want
to avoid getting distracted, we have to start playing the role
of the driver. As long as we play the role of the passenger, we
will remain distracted—in our relationships, in our work and
daily duties, and in our mental and spiritual well-being. We
have to start taking charge of our journey.
The way we deal with toxicity depends on why the person
is being toxic. If it is situational and within our capacity to
overlook the person’s mishaps, we can let it go. However, if
their toxicity is habitual or intentional, it must be challenged
and communicated. We have to say no in order not be treated
like a doormat and thereby protect our mental health. At
the same time, we must also be comfortable enough to seek
help from others, to learn the art of saying no, and know how
to bring up a potential argumentative point with someone
sensitively. I always ask for help from my close friends when I
have to have a difficult conversation so that I can get a better
picture of the situation. This is especially important when
such toxic behaviour comes from people whom we are always
surrounded by and cannot avoid being with.
A deeper aspect of dealing with toxicity is ‘vibrating

higher’. The best compliment we can give someone is,
‘You have such great energy!’ Beyond what they say, their
accomplishments or how they look, this is a great compliment
as it suggests that we appreciate them as a whole. The energy
at which they vibrate is attractive.
According to ancient spiritual texts, we all carry a certain
energy: we are both transmitting and receiving antennas.
An easy way to understand this is the difference in feeling
we experience when going into a hospital, a nightclub or a
temple. In a hospital, we may feel morose as the majority
of people are going through sickness and ill health; in a
night club, people may feel passionate; and in a temple, or
any other sacred site, we may feel tranquil and devotional.
Although architecture definitely plays a role, as even matter
in different combinations carries a certain energy, these
vibes are not just created by the bricks and mortar. They
are created by the people there who act as transmitting
antennas.
A place of pilgrimage is wonderful in how it looks,
but it seems even more tranquil because of the monks or
people of high spiritual standing who reside there. Just as
we can transmit energy, we can also receive energy from
others. We can get affected by people’s toxic energy if we are
around them too long. However, if we can learn to change
our frequency, to vibrate higher than them, then we can
be less affected. Just as eagles that fly above the clouds are
not affected by the storm, if we can learn to vibrate higher,
we can definitely soar. But how do we vibrate higher? I
recommend three things:
1. Increase your association with positive people: Every

action we perform is our choice. Although we may not
be able to limit our interactions with negative people in
some situations, such as work or family events, and might
have to do the needful, we can choose who we spend time
with outside of that. For instance, do you really need to
go to that work-related event if it does not serve your
higher purpose?
Making choices and saying no is tough, but as we have
discussed, they are imperative to our success. We must
increase our association with those who have a higher
vibration. A tip to know who carries a higher vibration
is to observe their habits: how they speak, how they act,
what they do in their spare time. We can understand
someone’s demeanour by how they act in public, but we
can understand their character by how they behave in
private.

Exercise:

Identify three people in your life who you generally have
positive and uplifting interactions with. Now that you
have identified these people, plan ways in which you can
spend more time with them. For example: Meet for lunch
or dinner once a week, exercise together, speak on the
phone, do an activity or course together.
2. Focus on your priorities: To illustrate this point, there

is an interesting story. A young employee went to the
head of HR at his company and said, ‘I can’t work here
any longer, I want to quit this job.’ The HR manager

asked, ‘Why? Please tell me what happened.’ ‘The whole
atmosphere is so toxic to my mind,’ replied the young
man. ‘There are people here who are very political, then
there are those who are negative all the time. Many do
not work hard and spend most of their time gossiping
rather than working. I don’t think I can handle it any
longer.’ The HR manager said, ‘Fine, but I have a request
to make before you leave.’ The man said, ‘Please tell me
what I can do for you, sir.’ The HR manager said, ‘I want
you to do this one last thing sincerely. I want you to take
a glass of water filled to the brim and walk around the
office area three times without spilling a single drop of
water on the floor. After that you may leave the job if
you wish.’ Though it sounded weird, the man thought he
would comply. He took a glass full of water and walked
three times around the office floor. Then, he came to the
HR head to tell him that he was done. The HR head
asked, ‘When you were walking around the office floor,
did you see any employee speaking badly about another
employee? Any gossip? Any disturbances?’ The man
replied, ‘No.’ The HR head further asked, ‘Did you see
any employee looking at another employee in a wrong
way?’ ‘No,’ replied the young man. ‘And do you know
why?’ asked the HR head. ‘Because you were focused on
the glass to make sure you didn’t tip it over and spill any
water! It’s the same with our life. When we focus on our
priorities, we don’t have the time to see all the drama
around us. The fact is, anywhere we go, we’re going to
find toxic people. The grass is not always greener on the
other side, but where we water it. We should do what we

can to positively change things around us and improve the
culture. I take your point completely. But when we know
we’ve done our best, we should shift our focus to the glass
of water—our priorities, our growth, our excellence, and
then we won’t be as affected by the negativity around us.
If it is absolutely beyond our capacity to handle, we may
actually need a change, knowing well that the new job or
the new situation will bring fresh complexities along with
it as well.’

Exercise:
Every Monday, write down your top three priorities for

that week. Throughout the next seven days, try to keep
track of how much time you are giving to fulfilling these
priorities. At the end of the week, tally the number of
hours you spent on each priority.
We may find we are spending a minimal amount
of time on those things that we have decided are most
important to us. Identify stumbling blocks and/or
distractions which consumed your time, and plan how
you could avoid or overcome them in the future. This
reflection can allow us to factually see how we spend our
time and can thereby give us the impetus to implement
the required changes in our lifestyle in a way that we can
focus on our priorities.
3. Increase your inner strength: To vibrate at a higher

frequency, you need to connect with a higher energy
internally. I practice mantra meditation daily to help me

connect to the Divine. You may have another spiritual
practice such as praying at a certain time of the day,
reading spiritual texts, singing hymns and songs or other
forms of meditation. The important thing is finding
what works for you and being consistent in your practice.
Just as going consistently to the gym is beneficial to our
health, consistent spiritual practices can help us improve
our inner strength, thus helping us deal with toxic energy.

Exercise:
It is important to set aside some time every day for self-

reflection and spirituality. Identify an activity that draws
you into that sacred space within the heart and makes
you feel deeply connected. Once you have identified it,
practise it consistently at the same time daily and note the
effect it has on you. For example: ‘I am going to practise
positive affirmations for fifteen minutes every morning at
9 a.m.’
Try to help
There are two ways in which our ego can deceive us. One is
by telling us, ‘I am the worst human being in the world’ and
the other is by telling us, ‘I am the saviour of every human
being in the world.’ Both are damaging phrases to our lives.
Although we need to learn how to say no and understand that
we are not the saviour of other people’s lives, we can still do
what we can to help those with toxic behaviour. We need to
assess our own capacity to help others. Not only does this help
them but it helps us as we do not have to be exposed to their
toxic tendencies.
Sometimes, people are unable to see what they are doing.
They are looking through the microscope of their lives, unable
to zoom out and see things from a different perspective. If
spoken to sensitively and with love, they may see what we
see and be driven to change. However, if we do this, we need
to be prepared to do it multiple times as old habits die hard.
We have to dig deep to forgive and remind people of their
behaviour. This can be emotionally draining so we have to be
ready to vibrate higher ourselves. Please note, for those that
are intentionally toxic, we must walk away and let them be.
We cannot change such people and should not waste time
trying to change them as they will drag us down with them. If
we do not know how to swim, let us not be a lifeguard.
I finished my lecture in Pune to a huge round of applause.
A crowd of people gathered around me to take pictures and
ask questions. One by one, I tried my best to greet people
with kindness and respect. They were my community, many
of whom had raised me and seen me grow as a child. But then
came the time to meet the gentleman who had berated me at
my father’s funeral. He approached and thanked me for my
lecture while gritting his teeth. I dealt with him with courtesy
and compassion but did not get overly friendly. We all need to
move on and clear our heart of vestiges of unwanted negativity
so we can move on, if not for anyone but our own sake. But
with the heart, must come the intelligence of the brain. I made
sure I kept a safe emotional distance; as mentioned earlier,
sometimes we have to say ‘no’ and walk away.
eight
A Memory Hard to Delete: Dealing with

Old Memories
‘My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or
defeated me; it has only strengthened me.’
—Steve Garbold
I felt rejuvenated after the event with my community. Not

only did I feel appreciated by them, but I have also internally
moved on from how that gentleman behaved with me at my
father’s funeral. It was with a great sense of relief that I walked
back to the wonderful bungalow my hosts had provided for
me. They had also cooked a traditional Marwari dinner for
me, which reminded me of my mother’s cooking when I was a
child. They had made daal bati, gatta, sangri, churma, among
many other Marwari delicacies. If you have seen the Disney
classic, Ratatouille, every bite was transporting me back to
sitting on the floor of our home on a straw mat and eating
dinner directly from my mother’s hand, just like in the film. It
was good to be home.
At times, I get invited to some incredibly fancy meals
at people’s homes that are cooked by their expert chefs. At
148
A Memory Hard to Delete: Dealing with Old Memories 149
other times, I eat simple, traditional meals that are cooked by

a loving mother. Both have their merits, but for me I really
look forward to tasting the love with which someone cooks.
You can taste the loving energy they have put into the food.
When I approach these mothers who have cooked for me and
show them gratitude, they usually say, ‘It was no trouble at
all.’ But I know how much trouble it must have been! Buying
the groceries the day before and then waking up at the crack
of dawn to start preparing. It is their humility that says it
was no trouble, but knowing the scale of the kitchen in our
ashram, I know how hard it is.
Similarly, at times, I am given a luxurious hotel room
to stay in when I travel, but then I come back to my small
room in the ashram. We all need our physical space to be
comfortable, especially when we need to accommodate more
people, but it is also important to expand our mental space;
otherwise, any physical space can end up feeling too small. I
guess that is what it means to be accommodating, even in the
literal sense of the word.
After the beautiful dinner, I went to my room ready to
rest. I changed and got into bed, my head hitting the pillow
and the duvets forming a cocoon around me. I looked up at
the ceiling that was being illuminated by the moonlight being
cut by the slowly whirring ceiling fan. The fan had to be on,
remember I am a fan-atic. I went through the event in my
head; everything had gone well. I had delivered all the points
I wanted to say with a dash of humour. People loved it! To
make other people happy and serve them makes ourselves
happy. It is easy to rest when that is what we value in life. But
it is not always that easy.
All of a sudden, my mind projected scenes on the ceiling.

The fan changed into the front row of the lecture with the
man who had screamed at me at my father’s funeral appearing
on the screen. He smirked as he watched me speak. It then
shifted to my father’s funeral as if by magic. ‘It is your fault. It
is your fault. It is your fault,’ I heard as I saw my father’s body
and the man now pointing at me. I shifted on to my side so
as to not look at the ceiling, but the image was then projected
on to the wall of the room. Was I hallucinating? Had there
been something in the food? I thought I was over the incident
with this man, but I had not fully processed it. Seeing that
man had brought back old memories. At the lecture that
evening, I had blocked him off to make sure I delivered to the
expectations of the audience. I had minimized the window
of that memory, but as the adrenaline of the evening faded,
that window had opened up again and was now vividly being
displayed everywhere I looked.
The irony is that you could be resting in pristine comfort,
in a beautiful home, but the mind can make you uncomfortable
by bringing up the past. As John Milton said, ‘The mind is
its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of
heaven.’ As I tossed and turned in bed, my mind continuously
went back down memory lane to the night when I was restless
in my family home after my father’s funeral. Not only were the
words spoken by this gentleman humiliating, but they were
also absolutely baseless. That night, my mind was swinging
from feelings of anger to justification, from resentment to
letting go.
Although it’s not hard for me to fall asleep on a normal
day, I realized that day why so many people suffer from
sleeping problems. According to the Sleep Foundation, adults

need approximately seven to nine hours of sleep per night,
but 35.2 per cent of all adults in the US report sleeping on
average for less than seven hours per night. Around 10–30 per
cent of all adults suffer from chronic sleep insomnia, which
has a number of causes. Stress, anxiety, depression, physical
pain and ingestion of negative substances, e.g., caffeine at the
wrong time, are the main causes.1
As I lay in the room in Pune, I tried to remember some
of the advice I had given to people when past memories
invade their mental space: ‘Do not allow anyone to remote-
control your emotions.’ We use remote controls to control
our television, air conditioning and lights, but often we don’t
realize how other people hold the remote control for our lives,
even if their actions that are affecting us are from the past.
This works for both, positive and negative emotions. There
are two sides to every coin. When someone praises us, they
are able to generate positive feelings within us; but when they
humiliate us, they do exactly the opposite. This means they
can control our feelings. We should also be careful not to
control others’ feelings. As children we play with toys, but
as we grow, we should be very cautious to not play with the
feelings of others.
We must take the control back in our hands. Taking
control back doesn’t mean that we become stoic, emotionally
uninvolved or that we stop interacting with others. It just
means that we slowly minimize our dependence on others
for how we feel. In a world where we seek so much validation
from others to make us feel good, we can feel devastated
when it doesn’t come or we get the opposite of it. It comes
back to the duality of the world: if we cannot control our

emotions when we are happy, we will be overwhelmed when
we are sad because our mind gets conditioned to react to
emotions in an extreme way. It is important that we start
taking charge of our feelings. The more we depend on others
for feeling good, the more the scope for disappointment.
And that’s not because people are inherently bad, or they
intentionally want to hurt us. They may just be having a
bad day or going through a bad day situationally and
therefore cannot reciprocate with our expectations. To err is
human. Everyone has their limitations, but should we allow
someone’s bad mood or someone’s limitations to affect how
we feel? Or should we take control of our feelings, craft our
own experience and help lift others up when they are going
through a low phase? Emotional independence is a great
strength that allows us to find our own happy space and help
others find theirs.
This sounds great, but from the experience that night,
I can say it is easier said than done, especially with previous
trauma and past memories. The mind is triggered by external
stimuli that form memories in our mind. According to the
Queensland Brain Institute, neurons, the nerve cells within
our brain, are responsible for our memories, thoughts and
thinking patterns.2 Our memories are dependent on how
these neurons are activated. But why are some memories
stronger than others? The institute explains that it is ‘synaptic
plasticity’, which refers to the change in the strength of
connections between the brain’s cells—the space being called
the synapse. The more these connections are activated,
the stronger they become, which means that strong, active
connections lead to strong, active memories. If the connection

gets weaker over time, our memories can get weaker and can
be lost entirely.
The strength between existing neurons—the synapse—
is essential for memory formation, but the literature on it
shows that brand new neurons being generated can also aid
memory formation.3 The brain is labelled into different parts
by scientists. One such part is the hippocampus, which is an
important memory structure. Studies have shown that the
bigger the hippocampus, the better the memory. Exercise
has been said to increase the capacity of the hippocampus,
suggesting that increased fitness can lead to better memory.
Let’s try it out now. Think of your school. What did you
think of? As a teenager, you may have had a vivid picture
of your school as you attended it daily, but, as an adult, you
may not be able to remember all the details. This is because
different ensembles of neurons are now firing for that
memory. The theory is that strengthening or weakening the
space between neurons makes particular patterns of neuronal
activity more or less likely to occur.
In my case, the powerful memory of the gentleman
berating me at my father’s funeral was so vivid, it left a strong
connection and neuronal pattern in my brain. This theory is
also written about in ancient literature and is referred to as
samskaras or impressions in the mind. Impressions are more
memorable if the stimuli are a) stronger in their force or
b) repeated regularly. This incident at my father’s funeral
shocked me and was a strong stimulus, whereas the repeated
practice of a tennis player helps him build ‘muscle memory’
on how to play well.
Over a period of time, our memories settle down and go

to the back of our mind as if nothing ever happened, just as
dirt settles down at the bottom of a lake. But then, a sight
or sound, an experience of a situation, can act as a stimulant
to stir up the lake and bring the dirt back up again. With
positive memories, such as reminiscing with an old friend, this
experience can be enjoyable, such as witnessing the beauty of
lotus flowers in a lake, but with negative memories, we can be
traumatized and need tools to deal with that trauma.
Dealing with past memories
The past is a good place to visit but not a great place to stay.
There are many things we can do to deal with memories from
the past that affect our day-to-day activities.
Repeat and refine
The past may haunt us, but there are many lessons that we can
learn from it. We should definitely not be imprisoned by our
past; it is there to teach us lessons about how we should live
and not a life sentence on how we are bound to live. We can
bring back memories of things we have done that have helped
us in the past and repeat them. The more we can strengthen
the neurons that have helped us deal with negative memories,
the more we train our unconscious brain to not be affected by
such situations.
When I lecture, I practice certain points and stories as I
know they have worked for me in the past. I try and repeat
them, but every time I do, I get better as I refine them. I
improve the quality of intonation, dive deeper into the story

or improvise it. In the same way, we may also have things that
may have helped us with old, hurtful memories. Is it talking to
a certain friend? Drinking a type of tea? Listening to a piece
of music? Going for a walk in a particular place? Developing
these healthy habits and refining them over time can help us
deal with past memories.
Rectify and reflect
We all make mistakes in life. In the spiritual tradition I

follow, a highly spiritual person is not one who does not
make mistakes, but one who rectifies and learns from their
mistakes. There are countless ancient anecdotes that tell the
story of highly elevated spiritualists who make grave errors
but learn from them and grow.
Closer to home, I remember visiting a family’s home in
Mumbai. I was there to give a lecture to thirty of their family
members. One gentleman in the family came up to me and
said, ‘I’m a big fan. I love your lectures.’
I asked him, ‘What do you like about my lectures?’
‘All the jokes,’ he replied.
‘I use jokes to make my points. What about the points?’
I added.
‘The points are not too bad, but the jokes are really funny,’
he said confidently.
‘Not too bad?’ I thought as I smiled to myself.
Just then, a young boy came running towards us. I asked
the man if this was his son and he said that was his eight-
year-old son, Aryan. Then a young lady came up to us. I said
to him, ‘Is this your wonderful daughter?’ The expression

on his face changed to annoyance, but she had a smile that
extended ear to ear.
‘That is my wife . . .’ he said embarrassed. He then
caught his wife laughing and said swiftly, ‘Don’t take him too
seriously. He is used to cracking jokes all the time.’ His wife’s
face dropped, and she gently hit him on the arm.
This is a light story to demonstrate an innocent mistake.
But I learnt a lesson: whenever people approach me, I ask
them to introduce everyone present without any assumptions
or guesses.
In all areas of life, it is important that we learn how to
reflect appropriately. It is through this reflection, by revisiting
the past, that we can carefully examine our mistakes and
rectify them.
A structured way to do this is to follow the Gibbs Model
of Reflection. This was developed by Graham Gibbs in 1988
to help us learn from our experiences in a methodical way. It
examines how we went through a situation in a cyclical way to
help us understand that particular incident, but also allows us
to learn and plan if that incident should happen again. Gibbs
originally created the model to use repeated circumstances,
but the stages and principles apply equally well for stand-
alone experiences too. The University of Edinburgh goes
through how to answer the six questions posed by Gibbs in
detail by adding the sub-questions written below:
• Description of the experience:

o What happened?
o When and where did it happen?
o Who was present?

o What did you and the other people do?
o What was the outcome of the situation?
o Why were you there?
o What did you want to happen?
• Feelings and thoughts about the experience:
o What were you feeling during the situation?
o What were you feeling before and after the situation?
o What do you think other people were feeling about
the situation?
o What do you think other people feel about the
situation now?
o What were you thinking during the situation?
o What do you think about the situation now?
• Evaluation of the experience, both good and bad:
o What was good and bad about the experience?
o What went well?
o What did not go so well?
o What did you and other people contribute to the
situation? Positively and negatively?
• Analysis to make sense of the situation:
o Why did things go well?
o Why did it not go well?
o What sense can I make of the situation?
o What knowledge—my own or others—can help me
make sense of the situation? E.g., is there anything I
have read that can help me understand why this was
happening?
• Conclusion about what you learned and what you could
have done differently:
o What did I learn from this situation?

o How could this have been a more positive situation
for everyone involved?
o What skills do I need to develop for me to handle a
situation like this better?
o What else could I have done?
• Action plan for how you would deal with similar situations
in the future, or general changes you might find appropriate.
o If I had to do the same thing again, what would I do
differently?
o How will I develop the required skills I need?
o How can I make sure that I can act differently next
time?
We do not need to answer all these questions, but this is a

useful framework to help us reflect on the past and rectify our
mistakes. This is not a definitive model on reflection, but it is
one that works. If you have a past memory that you are dealing
with, use it to see if it works for you. If certain questions from
the list above help you more than others, focus on them.
Life is like a book. The numbers of years we have in life
are the number of chapters we are meant to live. Each chapter
has 365 pages. Until now, there are a certain number of
chapters of our life that have already been written. The ink has
dried regardless of what is written. Some are beautiful: great
handwriting, clean ink and the correct grammar. However, in
other parts of the chapters we have already lived, the quality
of the ink is low, the handwriting is illegible, and the story is
quite messy. The good news is that the pages from now on are
empty. We can write the chapters to come as we wish. We can
re-read the good chapters of our life and use the positivity to
fuel the writing of the chapters to follow. On the flip side, we
can also reflect on the poorly written chapters and see what
lessons we need to learn moving forward.
Recall and relive
My grandmother, like many, was defined for me by the sweet

candies she used to sneak to me without my mother noticing.
I still remember it: Cadbury’s Eclairs! I would keep them in
my mouth for hours because they were so addictive. On the
other hand, the medicine that my mother gave me had the
opposite effect. It was bitter and revolting—I had to hold my
nose and gulp it down as fast as I could. In life, however, we
tend to do the opposite. We hold on to the bitter memories
and forget the joyous ones quickly.
If we can revisit the past to remember the good things,
we can use it to empower the present. On a tough day, when
everything seems to be going against us, we can use a specific
meditation by going down memory lane. We can recall an
incident that made us feel happy, an interaction that made
us feel valued, loved and appreciated, and a struggle that we
could successfully overcome that boosted our confidence.
The beauty of this is that if we can master this meditation,
we can relive our cherished memories a million times. The
physical event is gone into the past, but the memory is etched
in our heart forever. We can strengthen the neurons that
fire up that memory by remembering it regularly. We can
rejuvenate ourselves with the positive energy of that memory
whenever we want and thereby empower our present.
Release and recover
Our mental space is the most expensive real estate that we

possess. There are painful memories of traumatic situations,
hurtful interactions, failures and pitfalls that can be difficult
to overcome with the solutions mentioned earlier. In fact,
the situation with the gentleman berating me at my father’s
funeral was one of those interactions.
We have to be cautious that these negative memories do
not make their home in our mind, just like the bird’s nest
we discussed before. If we spend our time on the negative
memories of the past, there is no space for the fresh positivity
that we can create. We have to make space for the remarkable
by releasing the rubbish.
What we tell ourselves is more important than what
others tell us. To release and recover from negative memories,
we should first understand and tell ourselves that we cannot
change people. Their core nature is hardwired from years of
repeated action. It is extremely unlikely that they will change
based on a few interactions we have with them. Therefore, we
have to let go of the situation. This gentleman at my father’s
funeral is known to be blunt; he is known to ruffle feathers in
the community. By accepting that and practising positive self-
talk, it is relatively easy to release this toxic memory.
Another thing we need to remind ourselves is that our
reality does not change because of what others have said to us
or about us. People will say something regardless; whether it’s
gossip behind our back or to our face. There is a wonderful
fable to understand this.
For people coming to India for the first time, it can be
a cultural shock. In many parts of Mumbai especially, there
can be organized chaos. It looks organized to the local, but

is chaos to the tourists. This is especially true in the markets
where vendors set up shops all across the road. Once a
vegetable vendor used a whiteboard with the words, ‘Fresh
vegetables sold here’ to attract people to buy his produce. A
man passing by came up to him and said, ‘Why do you need
to advertise them as fresh? We can see they are fresh. Rub off
the word “fresh” from your sign.’ The vendor agreed with him
and rubbed off the word ‘fresh’, leaving behind the words,
‘Vegetables sold here’ on his board. A few moments later,
another man came up to him and said, ‘I can clearly see that
you are selling vegetables not fruits, why don’t you wipe out
the word “vegetables”!’ The vendor agreed. What was left on
his board now were the two words ‘sold here’. A few hours
passed and sales were abysmal for the vegetable vendor. An
elderly lady approached him and said, ‘If you’re sitting in the
market, you are obviously not giving your vegetables away
for free. Take off the word “sold”.’ The vendor wiped off the
word “sold”. The whiteboard had only one word left ‘here’.
Being late afternoon by now, it was the end of the school day.
A group of schoolboys passing by teased the vegetable vendor
saying, ‘Everyone in the world knows you are sitting here, not
there, then why the “here”?’ The vegetable seller erased the
last word making the whiteboard clear. At the end of the day,
one last person came up to him and said, ‘Only a stupid man
would keep such a nice whiteboard clear. Why don’t you write
something on it to advertise your vegetables?’
Everyone has an opinion and a suggestion. However,
even with the best of intentions, this can be overwhelming.
Listening to everyone really means we are listening to no one.
We may even forget what we were inspired to do in the first

place. We need to ignore the opinions of people whom we do
not trust, who do not love us or who we have not approached
for advice. We should be respectful to people, but that does
not mean we accept their opinion as gospel.
To release and recover does not mean that we do not
defend ourselves. In legal arguments that are serious and
affect our standing or livelihood, we should protect ourselves.
But in many situations, we do not have to. People who do not
like us or people who like us do not care for an explanation. It
is a waste of energy explaining ourselves; at the end of the day,
our peace is more important than being right.
Exercise:
Think of three things you can do to manage and heal painful

memories.
For example: ‘When I think of my ex-partner, I:
1. Practise journaling to let my emotions out.

2.
3.
It was a restless night in Pune, but the next morning I decided

that I had to focus on releasing this memory and recovering
from this incident. I had to leave this beautiful home and
return to my duties in my ashram, but I also decided to leave
behind these unwanted feelings and memories. Little did I
know a similar situation would happen during my future trip
to London . . .
Chapter summary:
• Often, we don’t realize how other people hold the

remote control for our lives, even if their actions
that are affecting us are from the past.
• Emotional independence is a great strength that
allows us to find our own happy space and help
others find theirs.
• Over a period of time, our memories settle down
and go to the back of our mind as if nothing ever
happened, just as dirt settles down at the bottom of
a lake. But then a sight or sound, or the experience
of a situation can act as a stimulant to stir up the
lake and bring the dirt back up again.
• There are many things we can do to deal with
memories from the past:
o Repeat and refine
o Rectify and reflect using the Gibbs Model of
Reflection
o Recall and relive
o Release and recover
• We need to ignore the opinions of people whom we
do not trust, who do not love us or who we have not
approached for advice.
nine
A Whisper in My Ear: Dealing with Criticism
‘Accept both compliments and criticism with grace. It takes

sunlight and rain to help a flower grow.’
—Unknown
There is an old Sanskrit phrase: Mitaṁ ca sāraṁ ca vaco hi

vāgmitā, which translates to, ‘True eloquence is presenting
the truth concisely.’ One piece of work that I feel represents
this phrase is an ‘Ode to the Pencil’ I read a few years ago. I
am unsure of the author, but whoever wrote it has extracted
truths from the simplest object in the world: a pencil.
The author writes of five important lessons that we can
learn from a pencil, which I have expanded on and want to
share with you in this chapter. The first pencil ever made
came with instructions that have been lost over time. They
are simple truths that, if applied, can change the trajectory of
our lives.
What is truly important lies within you.

The pencil has two aspects to it. The outside—its
colourful wooden casing, and the inside—the lead which is
164
A Whisper in My Ear: Dealing with Criticism 165
the essence of its being. The lead is the purpose of the pencil.
Similarly, we all have two sides: what lies outside of us and
what lies inside of us.
The outside is our persona, our appearance and our
presence. It is also about charisma, our style, our presentation,
how we speak, our confidence, our mannerisms. The inside
is about our character, our morals, our integrity and the
principles we hold dear.
The outside is about valuables. We are often accepted
more for what we have than who we are. We are accepted for
what we wear rather than our character. The inside is about
our values. While we maintain who we are on the outside,
we should not forget that what is really important is who we
are on the inside. Balancing both is crucial. We live in the
world; therefore, we have to give time and energy to things
on the outside, but this focus should not be at the cost of
our inner world as this could affect our mental well-being.
We must find balance between our personality and being a
genuine person, our charisma and our character, our valuables
and our values.
Unless what is within you comes out, you cannot make an impact.
It’s only when the lead writes on paper that it makes an
impact. Similarly, in our lives, unless what is within us comes
out, we will not be able to make an impact either on our own
lives or on those of others. The word educare, from which the
English word ‘education’ is derived, means to bring out the
virtues and qualities that are inherent within us. When these
qualities are expressed, we can change the lives of others. There
is an anecdote about the inventor of the light bulb, Thomas
Edison, which demonstrates this point well. Once when he

was a little boy, Thomas handed his mother a note one of his
teachers had given him. His mother opened the little piece of
paper and read it, immediately coming to tears. ‘Thomas, your
teacher has written that you are such an intelligent boy, you
are a genius. This school does not have enough good teachers
to train you. So, it’s better that you do not go to school, and I
teach you.’ Many years later, when Thomas Edison’s mother
had passed away, and he was already an established inventor,
he was cleaning out his mother’s room. He found that small
piece of paper and broke down in tears reading its contents,
‘Madam, your son Thomas is a dunce, he is mentally ill, he
does not fit into our school. We are discharging him back to
your care effective immediately.’ At that moment, Thomas
grabbed a pencil and wrote another line underneath, ‘Thomas
was indeed a dunce, but he was made into one of the greatest
inventors of the century by his hero, his mother.’ His mother
was not charismatic, nor a leader in society, nor was she
wealthy. However, she had great character, which influenced
the life of her son.
Think of your favourite teacher. They may not have been
the smartest person in the room, but their sincerity to help
you left an impact on your life. When the riches of what is
inside of us are expressed to the world, that is what can make
a difference.
Unless you go through the pain of being sharpened, what is within

you will not come out.
The pencil has to be sharpened before the lead can make
an impact. Something similar must happen to us in our lives.
Sometimes we have to go through the pain of being sharpened

for the best in us to come out.
There is a Sanskrit text that mentions the five qualities
of a student:
kāka ceṣtā bako dhyānam śvāna nidrā tathaiva ca

svalpāhārī gṛhatyāgī vidyārthī pañca lakṣaṇaṁ.
We should all aim to possess these five qualities in our life.

The word vidyārthī means one who seeks knowledge:
1. Kāka ceṣtā—Kāka is the Sanskrit word for a crow and ceṣtā

means ‘effort’. Therefore, together this means ‘the effort
of a crow’. This is based on the fable of the crow who was
thirsty and flying across the land for water. As he flew,
he saw a small pitcher of water down below in someone’s
garden. He swooped down towards it only to find that the
water was at the very bottom of the pitcher and there was
no way that he could reach it. The crow wondered how he
could access the water and then had a remarkable idea. He
started picking up tiny pebbles in his beak and dropping
them inside the pitcher. Pebble by pebble, the crow kept
working hard until the level of the water rose way up to
the rim of the pitcher and the crow quenched its thirst.
Kāka ceṣtā refers to patient hard work—the effort of the
crow. We have to go through the painful sharpening of
kāka ceṣtā, hard work.
2. Bako dhyānam is the second quality and refers to the focus
of a crane. A crane stands on one leg completely still,
gazing into the water at the fishes swimming around it.
The crane will allow the tiny, small fish to swim around
but will not strike. The crane will be patient and wait
for the big fish to come. If the crane settles for the small
fish, it will scare away the big fish. And if the crane wants
the big fish, it has to let the small fish passing by go free.
Similarly, when we begin to focus on what is important,
we should allow the small things that disturb us to pass
by. We shouldn’t be distracted by the little things such
as petty arguments, small health issues or mishaps in our
day-to-day life. We must focus on what is important.
3. Śvāna nidrā—Śvāna means ‘a dog’ and nidrā means ‘sleep’.
Śvāna nidrā is the third quality, referring to the level of
alertness a dog has even when it is sleeping. A guard dog
may be resting easy, but is ready to pounce at any moment.
A small creak in the floorboards or the sound of footsteps,
and the dog is ready to go. If we want to be a great student of
life and want to pursue that which is meaningful, we have to
practice the quality of alertness. Although we may have our
eyes closed and may have a level of focus on one thing, we
should not miss out on being alert to the world around us.
We can learn from every experience only if we are alert.
4. Alpāhārī—āhār in Sanskrit means ‘food’ and alpa means
‘less’, so literally, alpāhārī means one seeking knowledge
should eat less. This is the fourth quality, but it is not the
literal meaning we should pay heed to. We have varieties
of āhār: for our tongue we have food, for our ears we have
sound, for our eyes we have things to see. For each of our
senses, there is āhār. What āhār means in this case is that
one who wants to be a great student has to be very careful of
the sense perceptions they allow themselves to be exposed
to. As we have discussed in earlier chapters, whatever

inputs we give to our senses create deep impressions on
our mind called samskaras. Therefore, when we talk about
alpāhārī, it means we should be very careful to choose
those sensory inputs that are of value and those things that
will leave positive impressions in our mind.
5. Gṛhatyāgī—Gṛha means ‘home’ and tyāgī means ‘to give
up’ or ‘leave’. This is the fifth quality of a student. In
ancient India, students would leave their homes at early
age and go to study under their teachers or gurus in the
school that was called gurukula. Gṛhatyāgī means leaving
home in the pursuit of knowledge. Although this is the
literal meaning, gṛhatyāgī refers to leaving our comfort
zone. If we are to live in our comfort zone, we cannot
grow. Therefore, gṛhatyāgī refers to coming out of our
comfort zone to live our purpose.
Therefore, these five qualities—the effort of a crow, the focus

of a crane, the alertness of a dog, accepting the right inputs to
our senses and leaving our comfort zone—are the ones that help
sharpen our pencil. Living these qualities can be uncomfortable,
but without them, the lead that is within us cannot come out.
There are some lessons we can learn from a pencil that
can truly revolutionize our lives.
When you write you will make mistakes, but you can always
correct them.
The great thing about most pencils is that they have
an eraser at the other end. In our lives, we make so many
mistakes, but we always have the chance to rewrite our story.
You can truly serve your purpose when you are in the hands of an
expert.
A pencil cannot create a beautiful sketch by itself. It can
only do so in the hands of an expert. There is a fable about a
great artist. He was once walking along the road and a lady
approached him and said, ‘Sir, you are such a great artist, can
you draw a pencil sketch of me, please?’ The artist drew a
sketch in less than thirty seconds and handed it over to the
lady and said, ‘One million dollars, madam.’ She said, ‘You
did it in less than thirty seconds. Why are you charging one
million dollars?’ The artist said, ‘The one million dollars is
not for doing it in less than thirty seconds. The one million
dollars is for the thirty years of hard work which makes me do
it in less than thirty seconds.’ In the hands of an architect, the
pencil can make a blueprint; in the hands of a poet, the pencil
can write a poem. Like this pencil, when we act as instruments
in the hands of the Divine or for a purpose that is greater than
ourselves, then our life can become a masterpiece.
The next lesson is powerful:
If we do not sharpen the pencil, it remains blunt and then what is

within us cannot come out.
The first thing an artist would do is to make sure that
their pencil is sharpened. This ensures that the ideas in their
mind would manifest clearly on paper. In the same way, every
morning, we need to sharpen our mental focus to make sure
what we give to the world is of the highest quality. The day
brings so many challenges. We need to process information
fast, handle pressure and make important decisions. On top
of this, we have to meet so many people, all of whom expect
that we put our best foot forward. Imagine doing this without
any preparation, with blunt focus. Not only would we not be
able to do it well, but we would probably crack under pressure.
Meditation is one practice that has helped me sharpen
my focus in the mornings. Every morning, all the monks
are joined by those who live outside the temple to meditate
together for two hours continuously. In our community, we
practice mantra meditation or japa, which is the repeated
chanting of mantras softly using a set of tulsi plant beads. It
involves focusing the mind on a spiritual mantra, and bringing
it back to this mantra whenever it becomes distracted. The
mantra we chant is the Hare Krishna mantra:
Hare Kṛṣṇa, Hare Kṛṣṇa, Kṛṣṇa Kṛṣṇa Hare Hare

Hare Rāma, Hare Rāma, Rāma Rāma Hare Hare
This sixteen-syllable mantra originates from ancient Vedic

texts and has the purpose of connecting us to our divine
nature. Although it has been practised for thousands of years,
only recently has its chanting in meditative and singing form
been popularized across the world by His Divine Grace A.C.
Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. I choose to practise this
type of meditation, but there are many others that might
help you.
I can tell the difference in my consciousness on days when
I have meditated well or not meditated well. Jim Rohn says,
‘Either you run the day, or the day runs you.’ To begin the
day with meditation means to ready oneself for the day. For
me, meditating is essential, like brushing your teeth or taking
a bath. Although you can meditate at any time of the day, the
morning carries special weight. After a good night’s sleep, the

mind is less cluttered, and the passions of the day have not
worn us out. Think about how you feel at the beginning of
the day and then straight after work. There is a difference in
energy and concentration. There is a great quote, ‘Meditation
is not a way of making your mind quiet. It is a way of entering
the quiet that’s already there—buried under the 50,000
thoughts the average person thinks daily.’ If we meditate in
the morning, before all these thoughts take shape, we can
sharpen the mind to focus, which can help us throughout the
day and guide our thoughts positively.
Let me take you back to London where the story I
promised you at the end of the last chapter begins. The great
thing about being a practising monk in the bhakti tradition is
that nearly everywhere we travel in the world, there is a replica
morning programme that can help us sharpen our mind for
the day. It is a series of meditations that covers a plethora of
devotional sentiments and lasts from 4.30 a.m. to 8.30 a.m.
There may be some cultural variation, but that’s four hours
of preparation for the day in the exact same way found in
ashrams all over the world.
One morning, I was sitting in the temple room in
our monastery at Bhaktivedanta Manor, London. There
were around fifty people in the room all practising mantra
meditation softly, but individually at their own pace. The sun
was just rising and peeking through the Tudor windows that
lined the room. Some people were pacing up and down trying
to focus their mind, others were sitting in a lotus position with
their back straight and their eyes closed. Some were exhausted
from the night before and were bobbing their heads up and
down as they drifted in and out of sleep. I could not blame

them; it was 5.30 in the morning! Every now and then you
could hear the louder chanting of some of the monks, which
would jolt you back into focus. I had to make sure to pull
‘Joshua’ away from external distractions around the room, but
also from internal distractions that popped up: my thoughts,
my creative ideas, my planning of the day, my desire for
breakfast. These distractions had to be filed away safely so
that I could focus on the sound of the mantra.
I closed my eyes and went into a deep state of focus,
concentrating on one syllable of the mantra at a time. I felt
great and was really making headway in my meditation. All of
a sudden, I heard a whisper in my right ear. Was this another
level of meditation where you hear voices and instructions from
an ethereal realm? Unfortunately, it was not. My meditation
is not on the level of self-realization just yet. The voice was
right there. I opened my eyes. Sitting right next to me was
one of the senior spiritualists at Bhaktivedanta Manor. He
was tall, slender and wore flowing white robes. He whispered,
breaking my meditation, ‘Why do you crack these silly jokes
in your class?’ I thought he may have been joking himself,
but his face was dead serious. It was a strange question to
ask someone at this sacred time of the day. It was like asking
questions of a Muslim during namaz or a Christian while
singing hymns in a church. It was improper conduct.
Before I could answer, he continued, ‘I know why! Your
talk is not meant to help and serve others, but only to self-
pamper your ego. All you are looking for is attention and
applause. You are like that famous line which goes: Everyone
wants the front seat of the plane, the back seat of a church
and the centre of attention. So why don’t you just stop being a
jester and do something sensible?’ I was shocked and you could
tell that those meditating around me, whose concentration
had been broken, were bewildered too.
I found this man’s statements to be weird. Although he
may have been a senior member of Bhaktivedanta Manor, I did
not know him personally nor was he a mentor or guide. Even
if what he was saying had some truth, was he the right man
to say it? And if he was the right person, was he saying this at
the right time? I was in the middle of my meditation. Couldn’t
there have been a better time of the day or a better situation to
bring this up, if at all? Before I could even make some sense
out of what he had just said and respond, he had walked away.
One of the outcomes of mantra meditation is to instil
humility within you. That had definitely happened with this
man’s comments in the last thirty seconds. However, my
mind would have none of it. For the next thirty minutes, it
went into overdrive trying to justify the reasons why my
telling of jokes to explain the points in my lectures was fine
and the disqualification of this man to question me. I only use
humour in my talks to lighten the mood; I am not a comedian.
Philosophical truths can be a bitter pill to swallow. A spoonful
of sugar helps the medicine go down. In another way, humour
is the anaesthesia to make the surgical impact of the truth a
little less painful. Another justification I thought of is that
people are so beaten down by what is going on in their lives
that should we be bringing joy, hope, inspiration and relief or
should we be beating them down even more with our idealistic
talk? ‘Also, I am me!’ my mind shouted. This was my style
and my way of doing things! Isn’t diversity beautiful? Should
we not be ourselves and add value to the lives of others in our

unique ways, rather than killing diversity and making an army
of clones? In this way, my mind became defensive, paralysing
me from returning to a state of focused meditation.
One thing I have learnt is that we have to accept who
people are in totality. People can definitely change and grow,
but at that moment, we have to accept who they are, what
they do and what they say.
Criticism from others is one of the ways in which our
mental well-being can be disturbed. Whether it is out of a
genuine desire to help us or done insensitively, or done because
of habit, or done out of malicious intent, criticism has the
ability to leave our minds disturbed if we do not know how
to deal with it. Gossip and criticism are so hard to stop doing,
that it is said one who can stop doing both can grow rapidly
in their spirituality. Just like the vegetable vendor in Mumbai,
we will be criticized for most things that we do, especially if
we are in the public eye and making an impact. Therefore, we
have to have a process on how to handle it appropriately. My
mind started to think of ways to handle the criticism, but I
stopped it in its tracks right away. I still had forty-five minutes
of meditation time left. This was not the time to deal with
it. Right now, the priority was to focus on the sound of the
mantra, to sharpen the pencil so the mind could process what
happened later during the day, which was better.
Dealing with criticism
Here are some tools we can use to deal with the criticism we
receive.
Don’t react instantly
Patience is a virtue, and the golden word is ‘wait’. This is not

to say that we do not respond. In many cases, we have to do
something actively to pacify the mind. However, we have to
let the head cool down before we come back with a retort.
As I have said in my first book, Life’s Amazing Secrets, when
the head is hot, the tongue works faster than the mind. Once
words have left our mouths, they become permanent. We
should never make permanent decisions based on temporary
emotions. Our emotions will sway like the waves in the
ocean, but the consequences of the decision based on those
emotions will stay. Only on still water, when the waves have
subsided, can there be steady reflection. When the mind is
agitated, how can one reflect on what the right course of
action should be?
Be open-minded
Could we be at fault in this situation? Are they seeing

something that we cannot perceive within us? We should be
open to feedback as we may have made a mistake. Our minds
are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.
The Srimad Bhagavatam, an ancient spiritual text, states
that anyone can be our teacher regardless of their age, status,
position and even species. We can learn from anyone, so it is
important to listen to what people say as it may be an impetus
to help us grow.
One of the greatest rivalries in the world was founded
on the basis of one party criticizing another. I have never
seen an advertisement for these two companies on television,

but everyone knows their brands: Ferrari and Lamborghini.
However, not many people know of their rivalry.
Ferruccio Lamborghini was born into a family of grape
farmers but did not share this passion like the rest of his
family. He loved machinery and after serving in the air force
during World War II, he began to take old military machines
apart and re-purpose them as tractors. Not only was he able
to use them on his own farm, he started selling the tractors
themselves, which made him very wealthy. At that time, a
symbol of wealth in Italy was to own a Ferrari. It was the mark
of a wealthy man and was a car that Lamborghini owned.
Lamborghini had a passion for racing cars and, because he was
a mechanic, he knew how to adapt his cars to be perfect for
racing. When it came to racing his Ferrari, he noticed it was
not smooth when driving it and was too noisy. He was also
frustrated that that the interior clutch needed repairing often.
Enter Enzo Ferrari. At this point in the 1960s, Ferrari was
the top-of-the-line luxury sports car in the world. Wanting to
help improve Ferrari, Lamborghini approached him about the
changes he could make to his cars. However, he was rudely
dismissed. ‘What does a farmer know about cars?’ Ferrari
thought as he received the criticism from the young tractor
farmer. His dismissal spurred a rivalry in Lamborghini, and
the rest is history. By the early 1960s, Lamborghini had
become almost as powerful and wealthy as Ferrari; it could all
have been avoided if Ferrari had taken the suggestions from
Lamborghini with grace.
Of course, that is a simplified version of the story, but it
does teach us a lesson: when we are criticized for our work
or behaviour, we should be open-minded to see if there is

anything we can learn.
Fact-check
We live in a world where misinformation spreads fast and

the loudest voice wins. When we are criticized, we should
look for an element of truth in the criticism. The first round
of introspection should be by ourselves. Was anything the
other person saying true? If we are not sure, the second round
of introspection should be with friends, family and mentors
to see if they think similarly. Those who are closest to us,
to whom we can reveal our heart and speak in confidence
with, will always tell us the truth about our behaviour in a
way we can digest. This ‘fact-check’ can help us understand
if there may lie an ounce of truth in the claims made by the
other party.
Correct yourself
The hardest pill to swallow is that there is an element of truth

to what the person criticizing us is saying. They may not be
saying it in the most palatable way, but after we have discussed
it with our friends, family and mentors and if they agree even
partially, we should take responsibility and improve ourselves.
If we find ourselves in this situation, we have to take a
moment to digest the criticism and understand that a change
has to be made. In the past, I used to think that meant changing
overnight, making a large gesture to signal to the person who
criticized me that I had taken their advice. However, as I
mature, I realize the only way to create substantial change over

time is by taking small steps. Small, daily implementations can
help us build positive habits. It becomes like compounding
interest in a safe stocks and shares portfolio—you may lose
a few days and you may gain massively other days, but over
time, you grow steadily.
Exercise:
Think of a time you were criticized.
• How did it make you feel in the first instance?

• Was there any truth in it?
• What do you think you did well in dealing with it?
• What do you think went wrong and what can you do
differently when dealing with criticism in the future?
With my own situation, as I was relatively new to the country,

I wanted to make sure that my lectures were not disturbing the
general masses. I did not respond directly to the gentleman
who had criticized me; he had left in a flash after dropping
this bombshell on me. Instead, I approached Sruti Dharma
Das, my hero and mentor at Bhaktivedanta Manor. He told
me that the entire community was inspired by the talks I was
giving and that I was using humour only to make my points
hit home, not to just make them laugh. He said the entire
temple management also appreciated the way I was delivering
my lectures. That was a breath of fresh air to me; however,
I did not get excited too quickly. Sruti Dharma Das then
went on to give me corrective advice, but it came easier from
him as he was gentle in his delivery, but stern in the outcome

he wanted. Without the blunt criticism of the man in the
morning, I would not have had the chance to get priceless
feedback from my mentor.
Chapter summary:
• Lessons from a pencil:

o What is truly important lies within you.
o Unless what is within you comes out, you cannot
make an impact.
o Sometimes, we have to go through the pain of
being sharpened for the best in us to come out.
Five qualities, the effort of a crow, the focus
of a crane, the alertness of a dog, accepting
the right inputs to our senses and leaving our
comfort zone are ones which help sharpen
our pencil. Living these qualities can be
uncomfortable, but without them the lead
which is within us cannot come out.
o When we write, we will make mistakes, but we
can always correct them.
o We can truly serve our purpose when we are in
the hands of an expert.
• Criticism has the ability to leave our minds disturbed
if we do not know how to deal with it.
• Some tools we can use to deal with criticism:
o Don’t react instantly.
o Be open-minded to see if there is anything we

can learn.
o When we are criticized, we should look for an
element of truth in the criticism.
o We should take responsibility and improve
ourselves.
• The only way to create substantial change over time
is by taking small steps.
ten
Three’s a Crowd: Dealing with Grief
‘Grief is like the ocean; it comes on in waves, ebbing and

flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is
overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.’
—Vicki Harrison
It had been a hectic day in London. The busier the city,

the faster time seems to fly. That was true of this day: it
was Akshaya Tritiya. In the Hindu and Jain calendars, it is
regarded as one of the most auspicious days as it’s the day
of new beginnings. The word ‘Akshaya’ is a Sanskrit word
that means inexhaustible, limitless or everlasting. On this day,
people celebrate unending joy, peace and prosperity regardless
of wealth, status in society and background.
I left the ashram in London that day at around five in
the morning and got back thirty minutes after midnight the
next day. You may recall from the last chapter that five in
the morning is when I am normally meditating, but this was
an especially busy day where all the engagements that came
my way demanded my presence. If you were tracking my
182
Three’s a Crowd: Dealing with Grief 183
geolocation that day, I had practically crisscrossed the entire

city as if I was a hardworking taxi driver.
The first event was a house-warming ceremony at six in
the morning, then it was the wedding of a very close friend,
then a prayer meeting for someone in the community who
had departed a few weeks earlier, then to a hospital to
see a newborn child, then a quick pitstop to breathe and
eat some lunch. After that I had to cut a ribbon at a new
jewellery shop, then sit and meet the leadership at a large
corporation and finally, at the end of the day, counsel a
couple who was on the brink of a divorce. It was quite a day
with many people celebrating new beginnings and others
grieving the beginning of the end. I got to witness so many
contrasting emotions in one day from people at all stages
of life. I believe all I saw was the unique list of emotions
that I mentioned in the first chapter. From grumpy to
disappointed, vulnerable to isolated and from thankful to
relaxed, disillusioned to irritated, I saw it all on Akshaya
Tritiya that year in London.
When most people think of monks, they don’t think of
them being so integrated into society. They think of them
abandoning all forms of communication to live at the foothills
of the Himalayas. Those types of monks exist, but I guess
among others at our monastery, I was trained to be a monk
of the people, to help normal people in their struggles. Half
the battle to do this is simply showing up for the people you
serve. I attend so many events and functions, it is hard to keep
track. I do this to celebrate the joys of people’s lives, and also
to support them through times of grief.
One of the times I had to help someone through grief was

when they had trouble in their relationship. Raj was insanely in
love with Karishma. When I say insanely in love, I mean that
when he was with her, he felt like a Bollywood star who would
even want to sign her name on his hand with a knife. After
years of dating and developing their relationship, Raj proposed
during a beautiful sunset in Goa to Karishma. It was something
you would see in a Bollywood film. She accepted, but from that
moment on, the dynamics of the relationship started to change.
Karishma had a very close friend, Radhika, whom she
had known since she was a child. They would do everything
together; homework, holidays and even planned to one day
do their wedding shopping together. They were inseparable.
Radhika had helped Karishma through a rough period in her
life with her parents. Because of that, Karishma always had a
feeling of subordination to Radhika. It started off innocently,
but over time, it started to become slightly strange, at least
to Raj.
A few months after he proposed to Karishma, Raj was left
in tears when Karishma did not show up for his birthday and
instead went to dinner with Radhika. ‘It was because Radhika
wanted to,’ Karishma told Raj when he called her, upset
and questioning her absence. ‘All of your friends were there,
and they can get so rowdy. Let’s do something separately!’
Karishma continued on the phone.
‘We could—’ replied Raj.
Karishma interrupted, ‘Yes, we could do something. Me,
you and Radhika.’
At that point, Raj hung up the phone. Did Karishma not
love him any more? Could she not see the turmoil of their
relationship? He did not understand how Radhika could be

dominating his relationship with Karishma so violently. He
was sure that if Radhika said ‘Jump’, Karishma would only
ask ‘How high?’. What sort of person does not allow their
friend to celebrate with their fiancé on his birthday? Red flags
went off in Raj’s head from that day onwards. He was hurt,
but still madly in love with his fiancée.
The next few weeks, as the issue was not solved,
arguments ensued about this one point. ‘Why was Radhika
interfering in our relationship?’ Raj would shout. ‘She’s not
interfering. She’s just a friend!’ Karishma would retort. And
so that argument snowballed, and weeks of misery became
months of misery for both parties. Suspecting that Karishma
and Radhika could be more than friends, Raj decided to end
their engagement, breaking his own heart in the process.
However, you cannot just switch off love. Raj then
went through intense pain and grief. He was completely
lost and unable to handle the fact that he had to give up
his relationship with the person he loved the most. He had
sleepless nights flicking through photos of them together on
his phone. The blue glare of the phone illuminated his tears
as he spent sleepless nights. Sometimes he would message
Karishma on WhatsApp, but she would not reply although
she had seen the message. Raj also tried to bury himself in
work: taking on three projects when his seniors only expected
him to take on one. Maybe more work would keep him busy,
and he would forget his relationship with Karishma. But the
moment the adrenaline subsided, his emotions of disillusion
and abandonment came flooding back alongside his tears. It
came to a stage that he would stand outside her office hoping
to catch a glimpse of her, only to be distraught when he would

see her with Radhika.
On one occasion, Raj took his scooter out for a ride
aimlessly into the Mumbai night. Only a few stray dogs
and the odd rickety motor-rickshaw could be heard at that
moment. He swerved from lane to lane without a helmet,
tears drying on his face because of the speed he was travelling
at. He drove all the way to the Rajiv Gandhi Sea Link and
stopped, looking at the black ocean below. ‘Maybe that was
all that was left? It’s all over for me. I cannot go on,’ were the
thoughts swirling around his mind. He was contemplating
jumping, and because he could not swim, he thought of
sinking to the bottom of the abyss.
At that moment, at 1.30 in the morning in Mumbai, I
remembered him for no apparent reason and dropped him a
text message. Usually at that time I would be asleep. If you
can imagine that we need to be awake and dressed by 4.30
in the morning, that time would be one of deep sleep for
monks. However, I was in London, and it was nine o’clock
in the night. He got back instantly and told me where he was
and what he was contemplating. I immediately jumped up
from my dinner, walked out of the family’s home I was in and
called Raj, speaking to him for a good hour about his grief.
Fortunately, Raj went home that evening and the next day we
spoke for hours as he told me the whole story and dove into
the nature of his grief.
Heartbreak is a type of grief. For anyone who has gone
through it with a romantic partner, friendship or even
heartbreak from losing a family member, they will know just
by reading this sentence the pain involved. It feels as if our
heart has been ripped out of our body as we lose someone

we care about more than we care about ourselves. These
emotions we feel at this point are normal. It’s our mind’s
natural reaction to being thrown into an unfamiliar phase of
life . . . and it’s okay to feel the way we do.
Once, I was walking in Hyde Park in London. I saw a
young man sitting next to a statue. Both the statue and the
man were ripped physically, but the statue stood emotionless
whereas the man was crying and weeping. As stated in the
first chapter, we are sentient beings, we are not Sophia. We
are meant to feel pain. We are not only meant to go through
it, but we are also meant to grow through it.
However, this growth takes time. Moving on from this
pain can take time. One of the senior ladies in our spiritual
community told me that when she lost her mother in her
twenties, it took over ten years to feel ‘normal’ again. Each
person has a unique situation. We all have different healing
times based on the time spent with that individual, emotional
involvement and our own healing capacity. That’s fine too.
We live in a world of instants. Instant coffee, instant streaming
and instant Wi-Fi. However, with emotional healing, there
are rarely any instants.
Heartbreak is especially difficult. With the number of
people who ask for my counsel for their marriage, I often
wonder if I have become a matrimonial therapist. I remember
receiving this hilarious phone call. One gentleman called up
our office and professed his love for a girl to us. He said that
she was a die-hard fan of mine and he wanted to propose
to her. The next day was her birthday and he asked if I
could make a video wishing her a happy birthday and at
the same time telling her how much he loves her. He said
that if I proposed on his behalf she was bound to say yes
because of how much she trusted me. Wishing people a
happy birthday I had no problem with. However, I am a
celibate monk—proposing on someone’s behalf was a bit
too much for me!
Another thing I get asked is to find a match for someone’s
son or daughter. I frequently get a knock on my door from an
anxious father or mother asking if ‘I know anyone’ for their
child. They come with a scroll of requirements: not too tall,
but not too short; funny, but not a comedian; able to cook, but
not better than me (a mother would say sometimes); healthy,
but not obsessed with working out. The list would be endless.
I would sometimes reply, ‘I am not sure if god has made
someone like that yet!’
From this you can imagine the heartbreaks, separations
and divorces that I have to be a therapist for. It is my greatest
privilege to help people in their time of need about these
sensitive issues. Sometimes I have to give formal advice; at
other times, I have to be a shoulder to cry on.
Dealing with grief in heartbreak and loss
Have you ever wondered how much pleasure our nails can
give us? No one in the history of the human race would have
thought about that question unless they have heard it before.
We do not overly think about our nails. However, how much
potential do the nails have to cause us pain? We have all
slammed our finger in the edge of a door at some point in our
lives and we know its excruciating pain.
Pain consumes our mind more than pleasure. Imagine

being on a beautiful sandy beach in California. The weather
is perfect and you’re lying there reading your favourite book
as the cool breeze from the Pacific blows. But now imagine
having a toothache at the same time. What does your mind
focus on: the great weather, the soft sand, the cool ocean, the
beautiful view or your toothache? We can take painkillers
for physical pain management, but what medications can
we use to deal with emotional pain and grief after anti-
depressant medicines stop working? I have seen people in
agonizing physical pain but still smiling because they feel
loved, appreciated and valued. On the other hand, I have
seen people who are physically fit with no aches and pains
but chronically depressed and grief-stricken, especially when
they have no one to be by their side. It is their grief that can
disrupt their physical health—affecting their sleep, eating and
cognitive ability.
The emotions that people who are grieving experience can
creep up on them over time. Shock, guilt, anger, disbelief and
deep sadness are some of them. The greater the loss, the more
intense the grief. The most intense type of grief is often the
loss of a loved one, but as we have seen, heartbreak can also
cause pain along with losing a job, retirement, miscarriage,
losing a cherished dream.
One piece of advice I always give is to not be ashamed of
what you are grieving for. Regardless of what society dictates,
people grieve for what is significant to them. Many people
approach me with deep sadness on the loss of a pet. On the
outside it may not seem as bad as losing a family member,
but the point is to that person, that pet was a family member.
It is only when we can accept that we are grieving and that

it is okay to grieve, can we begin to cope in a healthy way.
Through that we can come to terms with the loss, ease the
suffering and in time, move forward.
Dealing with grief
The process of grieving takes time; we cannot rush the

process. The experience is different for different people and
depends on a number of factors, including how close we were
to the person we lost, our experiences of loss, our personality,
our support system and our coping mechanisms. That senior
lady in our community who said it took her over ten years to
‘fully heal’ from losing her mother at a young age shared three
things that helped her to move on:
Firstly, she said that we have to actively work on our
healing. Simply ignoring the pain and distracting ourselves
will only make things worse in the future.
Secondly, the emotions we experience when grieving are
common to many going through similar situations. When
we lose a relationship, we may feel lonely, frightened and
miserable. We may cry as a result, which is a normal response,
but we may not, which is also a normal response for people.
People may process grief in different ways and that is okay to
witness. Her sister did not cry that she had lost her mother,
but she did. Not everyone will express emotions like we do
and that also has to be accepted. We cannot expect everyone
to cry like us as they may not hold the same relationship with
the person we have lost.
Thirdly, she said that one thing that disrupted her healing
process was feeling guilty about moving on. Accepting that
something has happened is different from forgetting it
happened. We can move on from a situation, but still cherish
the person who was in our lives and the lessons they taught us.
This memory can actually help us become stronger.
The stages of grief
Everyone will have to go through grief in one form or another.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross understood this and
introduced the ‘five stages of grief’. They were based on her
research in 1969 of patients’ emotions of terminal illness but
can be generalized to the grieving process for other reasons
too, such as the loss of a pet or the breaking of a relationship.
The five stages are:
1. Denial—the avoidance of the situation which can be

displayed as confusion, masking deep sadness and an
over-endeavour to be ‘normal’.
2. Anger—looking for solutions in our wrath. The search
for why this has happened and who we can direct our rage
towards.
3. Bargaining—looking for solutions using our logic.
Thinking things like, ‘God if you reverse this situation, I
will in return . . .’
4. Depression—feeling deep sadness and displaying a lack of
motivation for day-to-day activities. This may be sadness
or manifest as clinical depression.
5. Acceptance—finding peace in what has happened

without forgetting that it happened.
Although these seem like neat checklists for our grief, these
were not meant to be a system that people follow when
experiencing grief. Kubler-Ross says, ‘These five stages were
never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.
They are responses to loss that many people experience, but
there is no typical response to a loss, as there is no typical
loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives are.’ We may
not experience any of these stages or may skip a few, but still
be healing. Many people may read this list and now start
comparing their grief, trying to find some order in the chaos
and also where they fit into this model. However, Kubler-Ross
encourages people to use this as a rough outline of the emotions
one may feel when grieving, rather than a rigid framework.
From this model, grief may also seem linear: we go
through every emotion until acceptance. However, many
have found grief to be cyclical. We experience these five stages
again and again depending on the events that are occurring in
our lives. For example, we may have broken up with a partner
and may experience deep feelings of denial to acceptance
initially. However, we then may be triggered by a memory
like walking past their favourite restaurant that may initiate
the cycle again. As we grow and heal, we may go through the
same five stages yet again, but our ability to deal with them
has become stronger.
What are the symptoms of grief? Although grief is not
a medical disease and is a human response to loss, there are
common emotional symptoms people face. Feeling like they
are in a nightmare, or ‘going crazy’ or even rejecting their own

cherished religious or spiritual values are common. Other
symptoms include feeling shocked and not being able to
believe the reality of the situation. People who are shocked
may expect the person to show up even though they know
they are gone. This happened to one person I was counselling.
He had lost his daughter to suicide and kept asking his family
members to search his building for her, thinking she was
hiding on the roof or in the closet.
Grief almost certainly has the symptoms of sadness. This
usually comes out as people cry and feel emotionally unstable.
In addition to sadness, people may feel anger or guilt. They
may feel anger at the object of grief or to other people involved
in the situation as a way of rationalizing the situation. They
may feel guilty about not having prevented the situation from
happening, not telling the person how they felt or even guilt
about feeling relieved that the situation is over. Many people
who have lost a loved one that they have been caring for, for
many years, often feel a sense of guilt for the sense of relief
they feel after the person leaves. Finally, a lingering symptom
that seems to last with people experiencing grief is fear. They
can feel anxious, insecure and even have panic attacks. Loss
may leave people fearing the future without the person they
lost and fearing their future responsibilities.
How to deal with grief
There are two types of people: people who will isolate and
withdraw into their shell when dealing with grief and people
who want to share their feelings with everyone they meet.
The key is to look for one-on-one support from people who

care about us and those who are experts in helping people
through the grieving process.
That support may come from family and friends. Being
strong means asking for help, not trying to do everything
ourselves. They could be a shoulder to cry on and give
emotional support, but they could also help with practical
arrangements such as helping us move home if we have had
a relationship breakdown or a funeral arrangement if we have
lost a loved one. It is important to know that people who have
never experienced grief may not be so good at comforting us.
They may say or do the wrong things at times, but we should
try to overlook that. The rule is: if they are there, they care.
We should not isolate ourselves.
Exercise:
Think of two people whom you could turn to in moments

of need.
This exercise can help us feel at peace in difficult times; it is
a reminder that we have people whom we can always count on.
Many people find comfort from their faith. Although a

symptom of grief can be to blame our spiritual tradition,
many might find peace through the mourning rituals, such as
chanting, singing and praying. Talking to a senior member of
our own spiritual community, one who understands grief and
loss, can help us make sense of the devasting situation. There
may even be a support group that we can join to help share
our sorrow with like-minded individuals.
Finally, if this is not providing us solace or we need to

seek additional help, there is absolutely no shame in visiting a
mental health professional for grief counselling. This is their
daily role, which they are experienced in. They can help us
work through our grief in a healthy manner.
As we look outwards, it is also important to look inwards
when we are grieving. Taking care of ourselves is crucial at
these low times in life as our energy levels may already be
lower due to the loss we are going through. One thing to
know is that pain will never last forever. As mentioned, the
mind cannot take emotional pain forever. An ancient story
explains this point well.
A king once asked all his advisers in his cabinet, ‘Is there
any phrase, motto or mantra that works in all circumstances
at all times? Is there something that can help me in the most
joyous or perilous situations? When I am alone, can I call
upon something to encourage me?’ The advisers talked among
themselves for days discussing what they would tell the king.
After a few days, the chief adviser to the king approached
him and presented him with a sheet of paper folded tight into
a tiny piece which fit into a golden locket. The adviser told
the king, ‘Please take this locket. Inside it is the phrase you
are looking for, but we advise only opening the locket in the
direst of situations when it seems that all hope is lost.’ The
king wore this locket everywhere.
One evening, the king went hunting with his army.
All of a sudden, a tribe of bandits attacked the king’s army,
slaughtering them all and began to chase the king into the
forest on horseback. A gruelling chase ensued with the bandits
thinking that they would inherit the empire if they captured
the king. Suddenly, the path the king was on came to a sudden
halt with a cliff edge dropping down thousands of feet below.
There was nowhere for him and his horse to go. The wild
screams of the bandits grew louder. At this moment, with no
hope, the king opened the locket and unfolded the paper. He
read the words, ‘This too shall pass.’
‘This too shall pass?’ the king thought. ‘How will this
situation pass?’ He read it multiple times trying to decode it
until he had an epiphany. ‘This too will pass. Just a few days
ago, I was the king of a huge empire, but today I am being
hunted by savages and facing my death. Just as my luxuries
have abandoned me, this danger will also pass.’ The king took
a deep breath and relaxed. He got off his horse and let it go
into the wilderness. He then proceeded to climb down the cliff
edge where he found a small cave that he crawled into. As the
bandits approached, they saw his horse wandering aimlessly
and looked over the cliff edge to the abyss. ‘He must have
jumped!’ one of the bandits said as they all cheered. Little
did they know that the king was thinking about this piece of
universal freedom on the cliff edge: This too shall pass.
From that moment, the brave king planned his return,
reorganized his army and then fought the bandits who had
captured a part of his kingdom. He defeated them and
returned victorious to his palace. The whole city was in a
festive mood with the citizens of the city presenting gifts to
him. The king felt proud as he rode his horse through the city
with flowers being thrown on him. At that moment, sunlight
hit his golden locket reminding of his motto, This too shall
pass. He stepped down from his horse and a sense of humility
hit him. ‘My defeat is not mine. My victory is not mine,’ he
thought. ‘Everything passes by. We are witnesses of all this.

We are the perceivers. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes
and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.’
In the same way, our pain from grief will also pass. The
Bhagavad Gita mentions that just as summer turns to winter
and winter turns to summer, our happiness and distress also
change. We can try to suppress the pain we are feeling from
grief, but it will be expressed sooner or later. If we want to
heal, we have to acknowledge the pain, otherwise we can
risk becoming clinically depressed, or dependent on harmful
substances, or have other health issues.
Exercise:
Think of your best childhood memory—write it down.

Think of your worst childhood memory—write it down.
Think of a time you felt most scared—write it down.
Think of a time you felt most secure—write it down.
Think of a time you felt happiest—write it down.
Think of a time you felt most upset—write it down.
Now reflect: In every situation, both good and bad, that
time and feeling has passed.
Often in times of grief, it is difficult to imagine feeling better;

we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, by
reflecting on all past experiences when we have come through
that tunnel, we can see that there was always a light at the
end, regardless of whether it was visible to us at every stage or
not. Time does heal us, and though we may not believe it in
the moment, it will get better. This too shall pass.
Other ways that we can handle our grief ourselves is by

expressing our feelings creatively. Writing a grief journal,
painting, singing or even getting involved with a cause that
was close to the person we’ve lost can help. Taking up a hobby
that encourages support, such as team sports or learning a new
skill, can also be something that can aid the grieving process.
Exercising regularly and planning ahead for ‘grief triggers’,
such as weddings, anniversaries or birthdays, are other tools
to help us grieve in a healthy way. One thing that many
people tell me is the frustration they feel when people tell
them to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’. It is important to not be
disheartened by this bad advice. Most people have our best
interests at heart and may want us to ‘move on’ as they think
that that will make us happy. However, it is important we
don’t let others dictate our emotions. If we need to cry, we
should. If we need to go through our sadness, we should. If
we need to scream, shout or yell, that’s fine too. We all heal
at our own pace.
A day of new beginnings in London had come to an end.
Not only had we had wonderful celebrations in the capital
city, I had also been involved with calamities and helped a boy
deal with grief who was halfway across the world.
Chapter summary:
• We are meant to feel pain, but we are not only

meant to go through it, we are also meant to grow
through it.
• Grief can disrupt our physical health—affecting

sleep, eating and cognitive ability.
• We have to actively work on our healing.
• People may process grief in different ways and that
is okay.
• Feeling guilty about moving on can disrupt our
healing process.
• Grief can be cyclical; as we grow and heal, we may
go through the same five stages of grief again, but
our ability to deal with it has become stronger.
• We may find solace in family, friends, faith,
professionals or expressing our grief in a creative way.
• The Bhagavad Gita mentions that just as summer
turns to winter and winter turns to summer, our
happiness and distress also change, nothing is
permanent . . . This too shall pass.
section 3
ME AND THE MIND OF OTHERS
In section 3, we will be discussing how our actions can affect

how others feel. We have more power than we think. The
way we behave can affect the people around us, which can
affect their behaviour, thus sending a ripple of energy out
into the world. Therefore, in this section, we will discuss not
only how to treat people the way we want to be treated, but
how to treat people even better than the way we want to be
treated. We will start with how to develop empathy, move
on to how to communicate sensitively and end with how to
develop selflessness.
eleven
When Sandals Meet

Yeezys: Developing Empathy
‘The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because
that is a portion of your life that you will never get back.’
—Unknown
We live in a world where there’s always a reason to be

disturbed. The constant barrage of news and media means
there is a campaign going on in every corner. Some legitimate
campaign for social justice or against oppression. Others are
not as important; they may be about children against making
their beds, fathers against changing nappies or people against
wearing socks to sleep. I believe that the slogan of every
powerful cause should be able to fit on a T-shirt. In Mumbai,
if you walk around the streets, you will see a whole host of
T-shirt vendors. You have classic ones; people selling the
India cricket team shirt or an IPL shirt. And then you have
the counterfeit ones: people selling ‘Gukki’, ‘BurBerri’, or
‘Ralph Laurice’ T-shirts on the side of the road. Finally, you
have the people selling funny shirts. Some of the best ones I
have seen are, ‘Who says nothing is impossible? I have been
203
doing nothing for years.’ Another is, ‘I don’t need Google.

My wife knows everything!’ And my favourite, and one that
matches this theme, ‘Do not disturb. Already disturbed.’
The first principle of empathy is to understand this
T-shirt line. That although we may be going through a tough
time with our mental well-being, nearly everybody we meet
may be going through a tough time too. There are different
degrees of problems. Not everyone’s problem is the same or of
the same magnitude. Nevertheless, everyone is suffering with
something.
The ancient literatures categorize the different types of
suffering in three ways in the disturbance trident:
• Adhi-atmik: These are disturbances that happen to us

because of our own actions. Our wrong choices, wrong
decisions, wrong behaviour. They can lead to suffering
causing physical or emotional pain.
• Adhi-bhautik: These are disturbances caused by others.
Our emotional well-being can be genuinely disturbed by
other people: a non-cooperative neighbour, an abusive
boss, a broken romantic relationship or even something
as small as a mosquito. I often tell this joke to highlight
this point: A baby mosquito came back home after its first
time flying. His dad rushed over to him to make sure he
was okay. People hate mosquitoes, so his father knew it
must have been a rough day flying. ‘How do you feel? Are
you hurt?’ the father mosquito asked his son. ‘No, I feel
great!’ the baby mosquito replied. ‘It was so wonderful
to see all the humans clapping for me as I took my first
flight!’ We can have a positive outlook within, but it
When Sandals Meet Yeezys: Developing Empathy 205
should never be forgotten that there are forces from other

living beings that will always be there to hurt us. That
is the nature of the world. Although we can elevate our
consciousness, there is no way to change that universal
truth of the world.
• Adhi-daivik: These are disturbances caused by forces
beyond us. In recent years, we have seen an increase
in the number of natural disasters that have happened
in the world. Cyclones, tsunamis, hurricanes, volcanic
eruptions, earthquakes, excessive rains, drought. These
are all disturbances caused by natural forces and can
create immense harm for us. Nothing happens by chance,
but because of the scale of these disasters, they seem to
happen without any reason.
Any suffering we feel can fall into the three categories above.
Just as we cannot take salinity away from salt, we cannot take
suffering away from the world. Therefore, it is so important
that we do not add to the suffering that people are already
going through. It is important that we do not speak, behave
or conduct ourselves in a way that brings more disturbance to
the lives of others. Suffering is unavoidable, but we can reduce
its impact on people by our dealings and actions. Rather than
leaving someone in pieces, we should try and bring them
peace. If we cannot be a part of the solution to end suffering,
we should at least try to not be the problem. We should try
and be agents of positive change in the lives of others by
practising empathy.
What is the one thing that the world needs most to
solve our problems? Some would say that we need to reduce
the inequality in wealth. Others would argue that we need

to eradicate world hunger. Yet, the majority would argue
we need improved forms of government. These are all good
things to strive for, and we must definitely work on them, but
before we can start to ‘change the world with lofty ideals’, we
must really work on changing ourselves. If there is one thing
the world needs more of, it is people who are kinder.
We are called humankind. Therefore, the core, the
essence, of being human, is being kind. Just as our mind
chatters, goes through periods of sadness, depression and
anxiety, feels guilt and brings us down, the mind of every
other person is doing the same thing to them as well. The
only problem is we do not know what others have been
through and are going through right now. Our eyes can fail
us. What we see on the outside does not always match what
people are feeling on the inside. They could have smiling
faces, but crying hearts.
A word of encouragement or an act of kindness can
brighten someone’s day. Science shows that not only can it
help the person who receives the act of kindness, but also
the person who performs the act of kindness. A study by
professor of counselling psychology at Indiana University,
Y. Joel Wong, found that people who encourage others
naturally are just as likely to benefit from those words of
encouragement as the person who receives it.1 Not only can
our encouraging other people help boost their self-esteem
or ‘refuel’ their self-esteem but at the same time it can boost
our own state of wellness. People who encourage others are
more likely to be appreciated by others, thereby creating a
cycle of encouragement and joy for themselves. Therefore,
there are tangible benefits to learning the art of empathy and

understanding how to encourage others.
It is said that being kind is akin to being a lamp post. It
does not necessarily shorten the distance, but it lights up the
path and makes the journey a little easier for others. After all,
isn’t it hard to hug yourself or cry on your own shoulder? It
is important that when it rains, we share our umbrella and if
we don’t have an umbrella, we share the rain. Helping others
does not mean we do not have our own struggles. But since
we all know what pain feels like, and if someone has been
empathetic to us in the past by offering us their shoulder to
cry on, we also know what support feels like, and so we should
learn how to extend ourselves to those in trouble.
Exercise: Random acts of kindness
Every day, at least for a week, choose to consciously do

something kind for a minimum of one person. It can be a
kind gesture, words of appreciation, an act of service, friendly
support . . . Try to help a different person every day for a week.
You should notice that you feel much happier by doing this.
I want to bring you back to my trip to London. Lecturing is

fantastic but speaking in small groups or one-to-one, where
I can really dive deep into people’s stories, is even better.
On one of my tours of London, a young man whom I know
brought his friend to meet me. I could tell that he was a fan of
the work I do on social media, but he was trying to not show
his excitement that we were meeting. He was twenty-four
years old. He was British–Indian, with jet-black long hair tied
in a ponytail, green eyes hidden behind designer sunglasses

and clothes from the coolest designer brands. I believe he had
some ‘Yeezy’ shoes, which was a stark contrast to my orange
robes and rubber sandals.
Most of my conversations with new people are formal.
However, with this young man, it was naturally casual. It was
so casual that he started using mild swear words and calling
me ‘dude’ as if we had been roommates in university dorms.
Do not get me wrong; he was a lovely young man, and his
casual nature was endearing. He told me that he came from
a well-to-do family, was the only child, and was now well-
placed in the company he was working for. At the end of my
meetings with people, I always offer them a gift in the form
of sweetmeats and invite them to my upcoming public talks
in the city. The young man nodded and said he would attend,
the same way an old Indian aunty would say, out of formality,
that they would go for tea at another old Indian aunty’s house.
Both know that this meeting is highly unlikely, but it is a sign
of respect to extend the invite. Little did I know that he would
actually come to every single talk I did in London from then
on. I thought that he must have been tracking the calendar
on my phone because he came for each of my talks! For most
of them, he stayed until the end when everybody had left.
He would sit on the stage with me and a few others chatting
about the points I had raised and life in general. We became
good friends; a natural rapport forming between both of us.
However, I had a feeling that he was hiding something.
We had run out of small talk, we had run out of philosophical
talk, we had also run out of telling jokes and anecdotes. There
is a time in every relationship when you have to push forward
and reveal the heart. I could sense that, behind his designer
sunglasses and apathetic attitude, there was something he
needed to share with me. Over the years I have learnt to stay
silent until someone feels ready to share their life with me.
Whether they want to go deeper in our friendship is a choice
they need to make.
Life is a journey during which we meet some good people
and some not-so-good people. Some treat us well and some do
not. Some things go our way and some do not. Some people
have lovely families, yet others come from broken homes.
Who we are today is the sum total of all our experiences.
Showing empathy means to understand this and to not jump
to conclusions from first impressions without knowing more.
As the famous phrase goes, ‘It’s taken a lifetime to write this
story of mine, will you read me just in a day?’ I waited for my
new, super-cool friend to share more.
Often the vibe a person emanates speaks more than their
words. It is important to trust our intuition, to sense the
energy of a situation beyond everything that is seen and heard.
Humans are not rational beings; we are irrational. What we
say is not always what we mean because we think to ourselves,
‘If I share this intimate secret, how will this person, my
family and society perceive me?’ It takes time to start tuning
our intuition but I am sure we have all had the experience of
knowing when the energy in a room is off. A classic scenario
is when you walk into a room after two people have been
fighting and they go silent. You could cut through the tension
with a knife. Similarly, I could sense that this young man’s
needs were beyond just wanting to listen to my lectures. He
wanted my attention and time.
All of a sudden, in the middle of an art-deco-themed

auditorium, he broke down crying. It was only me, him and
his best friend in the room. ‘What’s the matter?’ I asked him
with concern in my voice.
‘My mother has been having an affair. I was the one who
discovered it when I was twenty-three,’ he said as he sobbed.
‘It’s been going on for a whole year and has totally devastated
our family.’ He took a tissue to dry his eyes while looking
at the floor. ‘I hear them fighting all the time. I even heard
my father once shouting at her that, if it was not for him,
she would have aborted me.’ This was shattering information.
Imagine finding out that your whole world is upside down.
Everything you thought was true was a facade. His mother
was having an extramarital affair and at first wanted to abort
him. This young man had built himself up professionally but
was struggling emotionally. He had lost faith in relationships,
lost faith in the institution of marriage and lost faith in
his parents. What do you say or how do you behave when
someone drops something so devastating? It is a mammoth
task, but we have to learn to add these three essential elements
of empathy to our lives.
Understand
There is a famous saying: ‘Understanding is deeper than

knowledge. There are many people who know you, but just a
few who really understand you.’
The first step to empathy is to understand the issue. To
do this we need to learn how to listen to understand and not
to reply. We have all heard the phrase, ‘We have two ears
and one mouth. We should use them in that proportion.’

However, something even more interesting is that if we put
two ears side by side, they form the shape of a heart. Also,
we cannot spell heart without ear. So, if we really want to
understand someone’s heart, the only way is through the
ears. Listen!
Often, it is hard to understand the roles others play or
what they are going through in their life. I call a lady who
looks after a home a ‘domestic engineer’. They seem to be
completing a hundred roles under one job description. There
is a funny story that highlights why understanding is the first
step of empathy.
A man once came back from work and was shocked to
see that his kids were still playing outside and were bringing
mud into the house. In the kitchen, he saw unwashed dishes,
a counter with no dinner cooked, milk spilled on the floor and
sugar, cereal, biscuits all over the place. In the living room, the
situation was even worse. Toys, shoes, unwashed clothes and
broken crockery littered the floor. He rushed to the bedroom
to check if his wife was sick or had hurt herself during the
day. But he was amazed to find her comfortably lying on the
bed watching Netflix on her laptop. He asked her what had
happened in the house. She replied, ‘Every day you come back
home and ask me what did I do the whole day. Well, today I
thought I would give you the answer!’
We need to understand the effort, hard work and struggles
that others are going through. The breadwinner in the house
may not understand what the homemaker has to go through
and vice versa, if both do not take out the time to listen to one
another. But this is easier said than done.
Once, when I was in Mumbai, a lady came to visit me

two weeks after her husband had left her. In our conversation,
within the first few lines of what she was saying, I understood
the problem and also came up with the solutions necessary.
Like a surgeon who knows exactly what to do and where to
cut from a few lines of the patient’s history, I knew what she
required, or so I thought. I listened to her for a grand total
of five minutes and twenty-two seconds. After that time had
passed, I stopped her and said I understood the problem and
gave her the next steps she should take to deal with it.
Tears started welling up in her eyes. What happened?
What had I said that made her cry? I could not understand why
she was crying. There is an analogy that our body is composed
primarily of water, but when the body is hurt, what comes
out? Blood. And our heart is composed primarily of blood,
but when the heart is hurt, what comes out? Water. We cry
when we are upset, maybe because our expectations may not
have been met. I tried to pacify her. At this point, there was a
small crowd forming to see the lady that Gaur Gopal Das had
made cry. The lady gathered herself and after an hour or so of
speaking, left to go home, fairly content that I had offered her
a keen ear to listen to her issues.
As I walked from the courtyard to the main temple room
to pray, I could only think of one thing: her tears. I reflected
on what had happened. This lady had been through incredible
trauma with her husband leaving her. She had not come to me
for a solution. Often, not all problems have solutions. She had
simply come with a desire to be heard. She wanted empathy
and kindness, not my solutions. Typically, men love to give
solutions when women just want to be heard. I thought of my
closest friends and family as I looked at the temple deities that

evening. If they came to me with an issue on that scale, would
I have even given them the same five minutes and twenty-two
seconds? Probably not. With people we don’t know so closely,
like this woman, we are so patient, kind and tolerant. We put
our best foot forward. But when it comes to those who are
close to us, what happens? Is it because we think that they
are our own people we can behave with them as we like? Or
is it because we think that they will understand, so we do not
need to spend the time trying to understand? Is it because we
think that they should understand our schedules and so we
do not need to make time for them? That is hardly the case.
Familiarity breeds contempt, which may ruin our ability to be
empathetic.
Listening requires both our will to extend ourselves to
understand and also our skills to read the room, to pick up
the vibes and hear the unspoken words. It requires patience;
it needs restraint.
At times, a good empathetic conversation means to say
nothing at all. There are words that are attributed to St Francis
of Assisi which convey this message well, ‘I preach the gospel
at all times. I use words where necessary.’ Living by example
and learning the art of listening can have a more powerful
effect than jumping at solutions.
That evening I called the lady up and apologized for my
behaviour. After that conversation, I would not have been
surprised if she had lost faith in me. She understood that I did
not mean to hurt her and that, after all, I am a man ‘hailing
from Mars’, always battling to find a solution like all men do.
I mentioned that because I knew her, I became too familiar
and cut her off while she was expressing her emotions. I told
her that I was wrong. I did not have the right to assume I
knew her problem and not be sensitive and empathetic.
After we have understood their story, through their words
or through their body language, the next step is to make an
attempt to feel what they are going through.
Feel
‘Breathe, breathe, you are doing well. Only a few more

pushes,’ a husband told his wife as she was in labour giving
birth to their first child. He was holding her hand, wearing
surgical gloves and a gown like the three other doctors and
two nurses in the room. ‘You have got this!’ he said. The wife
smiled as she gave it her all and pushed, sweat exuding from
every pore of her body and soaking her hospital robe. ‘I can
understand exactly what pain you are going through. You
are doing really well!’ the husband said to his wife. The wife
stopped pushing. The doctors stopped working. The nurses
looked up. Everyone was thinking the same thing, ‘Buddy,
you have no idea about the pain she is going through.’ The
room resumed their duties after a moment. His wife squeezed
his hand tightly as she began to push again, causing her
husband to yell in pain with her. Maybe that would be the
closest he would get to understanding her pain. We should
not jump to conclusions about others’ lives if we have never
walked a mile in their shoes
After having understood a person’s situation, the next
step of empathy is to intentionally feel the emotions they are
exhibiting. In the first section of this book, we have discussed
how we should learn to recognize our own emotions in order

to have a healthy mental state. In a similar way, we must make
the effort through active listening to understand the emotions
others are feeling, if we want to be empathetic to them.
Once we have recognized the feeling that someone is
displaying, we can then get a glimpse of what it means to
remove our own shoes and put theirs on. It would mean
taking off my monk sandals and putting on the Yeezys of my
cool London friend. This allows us to adopt their emotions
even if it is just for a few moments. What would it feel like if
I was actually them?
The science is strong on this. The same part of the brain
that is used for empathy is also used when we are experiencing
another’s emotions subconsciously. Think about when you
see a video of someone falling off their chair or into a pool of
water, belly first. What do you feel? You may wince and groan
as you feel their pain as if it was your own. What is happening
here is that specific ‘mirror neurons’ in your brain are firing
when you see another person experience a stimulus that you
could have been exposed to.
The act of empathy is about firing these ‘mirror neurons’
in the brain consciously. When we get immersed in another
person’s grief or sadness and learn how to feel that emotion, it
tells the person two things. Firstly, it tells them that we have
understood their situation. Secondly, and more importantly,
it tells them that we have also understood the emotions they
are experiencing as if we were swapping lives at that moment.
This is a powerful connection to share with someone. It gives
them the hope that they do not have to go through their
suffering alone. This exercise becomes much easier if we
have had the experience of the exact pain that they are going
through. For example, we may never get cancer, but if we
have had a very close family member go through it, we can
easily empathize with others who have cancer and the turmoil
it might cause in their lives.
There is an instance from the book of my dear friend
Govinda Das, which highlights why it is important to not be
critical of people before we have felt what it is like to travel
a mile in their shoes. This can only happen through deep
conversation.
A well-educated youth, the only son to his parents, decides
to go to America for brighter earning and career prospects so
that he can settle himself as well as his parents nicely. Soon
he makes his mark and raises his own family there, while his
parents continue to remain in India.
As time passes by, realizing old age is catching up, the
parents can no longer be on their own, and start missing their
son. Now the son is caught in a tug-of-war between his own
family, which is well-settled abroad, and his parents wanting
him to be with them. Trying to please the parents would
upset his family but trying to please his family would mean
abandoning his old parents to embrace a life replete with hurt
and loneliness, eventually to die without anyone intimate
around them. What would you do in such a situation? Would
you have a straight answer?
Govinda Das summarizes the meaning of this example by
telling the reader that it is very easy to criticize any situation
or individual over a casual discussion, but mature discretion
calls for putting ourselves in that situation so as to assess what
we would have done. Dilemmas that are rooted in affection
and duty are most difficult to harmonize. So, before hastily

denouncing someone over a situation, it is imperative that we
see the episode from their perspective, instead of ours.
Act
The final step in practising empathy is acting. There is

a famous Japanese proverb, ‘Vision without action is a
daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.’ When we
empathize with someone, we are showing them love and
kindness. But love is not a noun. It’s a verb. It’s expressed
through our service to others. At times, that service is offered
by silent listening; at other times, through words of guidance
and support. Yet, there are times when we need to, beyond
words and emotional support, offer some practical actions to
help them through their perils.
In a village, a farmer had some puppies that he wanted
to sell. He painted a sign on the nearby highway, advertising
that he had four rare breed pups that he wanted to give away.
A few hours later, a crowd of people had gathered outside his
door wanting to buy the puppies. ‘What breed are they?’ one
person shouted. ‘How much are they?’ another yelled. ‘Can
we see them now?’ someone demanded from the back. At
the front of the crowd, a young boy grabbed his trousers and
tugged at them. The farmer looked down into the eyes of the
little boy, shabbily dressed.
‘Mister,’ the boy said sweetly, ‘I want to buy one of your
puppies.’
‘Well, my boy,’ the farmer said, while rubbing the sweat
on the back of his neck, ‘these puppies are a fine breed and
cost a good deal of money.’ Assuming that this boy could not
afford the puppies, he felt sorry for the child, but there was
nothing he could do about the price. He had a family to feed
and a profit to make. The boy dropped his head for a moment
and thought. He reached deep into his pockets, pulled out a
handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
‘I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?’
‘Sure,’ said the farmer while pushing the rest of the crowd
back. The farmer led the boy through his house, past the
kitchen and into the backyard. The farmer then let out a large
whistle. ‘Here, Dolly!’ he called. Out from the doghouse and
down the ramp ran Dolly, the mother, followed by four little
balls of fur. The little boy’s eyes danced with delight as the
dogs all bundled over each other thinking that it was time to
eat again. However, something else caught the little boy’s eye
inside the doghouse. There was a smaller ball of fur crawling
around inside. It was also excited, but not as fast as its siblings.
It hopped down the ramp in a somewhat awkward manner;
the little pup began hobbling toward the little boy doing its
best to catch up.
‘I want that one,’ the little boy said, pointing to the most
underdeveloped puppy of the litter.
The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, ‘Son,
you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and
play with you like these other dogs would. Are your parents
around to help you choose and pay for one of the healthy
puppies?’
The little boy pulled up one leg of his trousers to reveal
a steel brace running down both sides of his left leg attached
to a specially made shoe. Smiling, he looked back up at the
farmer, ‘You see, sir, I do not run too well myself, and this
little one needs someone who understands.’ With tears in his
eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the hobbling
little pup. Holding him carefully, he handed it to the little boy
who was joyous beyond comparison.
‘How much?’ asked the little boy, holding his spare
change in one hand and balancing his new friend in the other.
‘No charge,’ answered the farmer. ‘There’s no charge
for love. The world is full of people who need someone who
understands and helps.’
This heart-warming story shows us that there are
physical acts of kindness or solutions that we can draw up if
the situation requires it. After understanding and feeling, we
should act to help. In our own way, big or small, we can make
a difference to a person’s life. We can help them with their
pain and assist the healing of their mind.
One person who has acted on her empathy is Sunitha
Krishnan, an Indian social activist and co-founder of Prajwala,
an NGO that rescues, rehabilitates and reintegrates sex-
trafficked victims into society. In 2017, she gave a ground-
breaking lecture entitled, ‘Shame the Rapist’ where she shares
her journey to help young ladies in India who have been raped
and have not had justice even though the rapists themselves
had posted videos online of their heinous deeds. ‘When I was
sent these videos, I was stunned. For a person like me who has
saved over 17,000 girls from sexual slavery, I thought I would
not be shocked by such a video, yet it was very shocking,’
she said. From her anger and anguish in seeing these videos
she started a campaign to appeal to the public to find these
men. Krishnan understands the problem. She feels the pain
that these women go through, as she was also raped when she
was a child and has worked extensively to solve this problem.
She also feels the pain of these women as the men who raped
them flaunt their heinous acts over the Internet. Then, she
took practical action to help. This is true empathy and for an
incredibly worthy cause.
Although this is a huge cause and Krishnan has changed
the lives of thousands of people in India, she is changing lives,
one person at a time. It does not matter how big or small
our empathy is; it is the quality of what we do that matters.
Learning to be empathetic to our partners, friends and family
can have a huge impact on them, and thus the network effects
of this has a huge impact on society.
When I look at the bulb in the room, I think about how
tiny the bulb is and how large the room is. And yet, when
the bulb is turned on, it drives away the darkness in that
room. When I spray perfume on my wrist, I think about how
little the perfume is; yet, when I enter a room, the fragrance
pervades the entire space. When I cook, I think about how
I add only a little salt to a dish compared to all the other
ingredients and yet it is the salt that makes such a large
difference to the taste.
It’s not just about the quantity but about the quality. It’s
not just about the magnitude but about the impact. If we ever
think we are too small to make a difference, remember the
bulb, the perfume, the salt. We should remind ourselves that
we also have the ability to help others. The reason action is
needed is because we have the perfect opportunity to identify
what the other person needs. This is because we get to feel
the emotion that the other person is going through, without
being engrossed in the intensity of their pain. This means that

we have a different perspective and increased capacity to help.
I walked out of the lecture theatre in London with the
boy who had revealed how his life was falling apart. I gave
him a hug and told him that I would be available to help him
move through this difficult part of his life. As I approached
the tube station, I saw a person selling T-shirts from a shop
front. There were the classic football shirts on display, but one
caught my eye that read, ‘Empathy is in’.
How fitting! I thought. Maybe the tagline to that T-shirt
could be: ‘Understand, feel and act’.
Exercise: Improving your empathy
Think about a time someone came to you in their time of

need. Audit how you think you helped that person.
How did you understand their problems? What did you
do well? Did you place yourself in their shoes? And lastly, did
you manage to do something practical to help them?
Now think about what you could change to increase your
empathy towards someone.
1. Think about how you would like to improve your

understanding of the problem a person is going through.
For example, I would like to listen to the person’s problem
and not immediately try and offer a solution.
2. Now think about how you would like to improve on

feeling what that person is going through. How can you
best try and place yourself in that person’s shoes?
For example: I will speak to an expert/do some research

on what the person is going through, which can help me
better understand the situation.
3. Once we really understand the situation the person is in

by trying to feel the way they do, then we are in a better
position to decide what we can actually do to help that
person.
That help may mean giving them the resources they
need, or taking them away for a short break, or encouraging
and helping them to seek professional/medical help.
Chapter summary:
• It is important to understand that everyone is going

through some challenge or the other; in that light,
we need to learn how to be empathetic.
• The different types of suffering are split into three
categories: suffering as a result of our own actions,
suffering as a result of another’s actions and suffering
imposed by nature.
• As a collective, we are called humankind. Therefore,
the core, the essence, of being human, is being
kind. Empathy is learning how to be kind without
judgement.
• The first principle of empathy is to understand the
issue. To do this, we need to learn how to listen to
understand and not to reply.
• The second principle of empathy is to try and

intentionally feel the emotions of another. It is one
thing to understand an issue, but we need to develop
an emotional connection to display empathy.
• The third principle of empathy is acting. Although
being there for someone in their time of difficulty
is acting, we must understand that love is a verb.
Is there anything in our capability we can do to
eliminate or minimize their pain?
twelve
Learning from ‘Virus’: Developing

Sensitive Communication
‘A knife, dagger and arrow were fighting to decide who could

create the deepest wound. Meanwhile, words were sitting at
the back smiling as they watched all the fun.’
—Unknown
The natural follow-on from understanding empathy is to

know how to communicate it well. If there was one skill
that I would recommend everyone to focus on, it is the art of
communication. Communication is the art of presenting our
thoughts to others. The phrase ‘That’s not what I meant’ in a
discussion is a sign that what we were thinking has not been
communicated well to another person.
Communication is not only about what we say, but how
we behave, which is portrayed through our body language.
Body language is non-verbal; it’s the unspoken gestures
that reveal our true emotions and intentions. Mehrabian’s
Communication Model found that 93 per cent of our
communication comes from non-verbal cues; the other 7 per
cent includes our choice of words and the tone of our voice.
224
Learning from ‘Virus’: Developing Sensitive Communication 225
But where do we learn good communication from? There

are classes we can take, but I have found that professional
actors are the masters of communication. Actors immerse
themselves in roles so that they can empathize with the mood,
intentions and behaviours of the characters they portray. Not
only do they need to understand their own emotions fully
but they need to know how to communicate the emotions of
the person they are acting as. That means that every word,
movement and gesture is calculated to help the audience feel
a certain emotion.
A few years ago, I had the pleasure of doing an event in
Chennai with Boman Irani. Most of you will know him, but
for those who do not watch Bollywood films, you may have
to Google his name to understand who he is. He is famous in
recent years for his portrayal of Professor Viru Sahastrabuddhe
aka ‘Virus’ in the hit film Three Idiots. He plays a strict dean
who keeps all his engineering students in line without fail.
We were flying together from Mumbai to Chennai. Being
an engineering undergraduate myself, when I saw him on the
plane, I shivered for a moment thinking he actually was ‘Virus’
and was about to tell me off for my university shenanigans.
But I snapped out of it and settled down to speak with him
during this short domestic flight.
Boman is an interesting, wise and funny individual.
Despite his fame, he was down-to-earth and friendly. We
discussed everything from our upcoming event, childhood
and views on the state of affairs of our planet. It was clear
that he had built himself up as a successful actor from humble
beginnings. As we flew above the clouds, he shared his life
story and how he got to where he had. During the flight, I
had to ask him one question as he was in the inner circle of

Bollywood: what movie would he recommend watching? He
paused for a moment, as if going into deep meditation and
then laughed. He suggested that I watch the popular film,
Taare Zameen Par, produced and directed by Aamir Khan. It
explores the life and imagination of an eight-year-old dyslexic
child, Ishaan, who is sent to boarding school by his parents.
His art teacher, Mr Nikumbh, played by Aamir Khan himself,
recognizes his disability and helps him overcome his reading
disorder.
‘Heart-warming!’ Boman said while describing Aamir
Khan’s masterpiece. He went on to say that his mother
taught him to watch movies to learn principles, not just for
entertainment. Taare Zameen Par had struck a deep chord
with him as he himself used to have speaking challenges as
a child.
Curious to see if that film stood up to the five-star
recommendation from Boman, I decided to watch it after our
event in Chennai. I, too, found some wonderful principles
in it and pragmatic lessons that we can apply. I learnt how
our dealings can impact other people, especially children,
whose minds are like putty that can be moulded by how we
speak and behave. Our behaviour can make or break another
person’s self-esteem. We are all struggling with something.
One kind word can reverberate in a person’s mind for months,
picking them up from a bad spell in their lives or pushing
them forward to achieve extraordinary things.
One part of the movie was particularly striking; the scene
where Mr Nikumbh tells Vipin Sharma, the father of Ishaan,
the story of how trees are felled on the Solomon Islands. The
scene starts with the father and the art teacher sitting in the
art studio of the boarding school. Mr Sharma is on an office
chair and Nikumbh grabs a yellow stool to face the father.
Ishaan’s father states very defensively that they had done all
the ‘online research’ possible on dyslexia for their child and
they do care for him, but the boy simply does not have the
ability to ‘make it’ in the world. Nikumbh’s response leaves
the father dumbfounded and emotional. He tells him that a
parent’s responsibilities are not only bound to giving children
the best toys to play with, having all the luxuries in the world
or the best educational options. Loving a child means to
comfort them, be with them when they need their parents
the most, motivate them when they are dejected or give
them affection to show you care. The conversation ends with
Nikumbh telling the father, ‘Isn’t this what caring actually is?
I am glad to hear that you think you do care.’ Just as the father
is about to leave, Nikumbh tells him the effect words can have
on people. He tells him about the Solomon Islands where
tribal people do not cut down the trees they want to remove;
instead, they stand around the trees hurling abuses at them for
hours on end, which eventually leads to the drying up of those
trees and their dying within a few weeks. The tribal people
believe that toxic words used against the trees instil negative
emotions and beliefs within them and the trees find it difficult
to survive.
This scene is very telling for us all. At times, we may feel
like Nikumbh, where we do the right thing and pick people
up but, at other times, we may behave like Mr Sharma, where
our words drag people down. Just as trees can fall from the
words aimed at them, so can people. There is a famous quote,
‘The pen is mightier than the sword.’ However, pens do not

win battles and swords do not write poetry. Mighty is the
hand that knows when to pick up the pen and when to pick
up the sword. The bottom line is, words can make or break
a person. The scene ends with the father crying as he sees
his dyslexic son correctly reading from a whiteboard in the
courtyard, showing the success of Nikumbh’s encouragement
and the failure of his own criticism.
The example of the Solomon Islands is a great anecdote,
but many of us would find it difficult to believe it. How can
intangible words travel through the air and affect a motionless
tree? To understand how this works, we have to delve into
the power of the mind. The Biology of Belief by Bruce H.
Lipton explains the difference between the subconscious and
conscious mind. Although the conscious mind thinks in the
present, behind the scenes is the tremendous might of the
subconscious mind, which is making millions of decisions a
day. Our value system is what feeds into the subconscious
mind. This is why it is difficult to break a habit. Although our
conscious mind wants to stop biting our nails or eating junk
food, this habit has been hard-wired into our subconscious
mind, which overrides our will power, leading us back to
having shorter nails and plumper waistlines.
Lipton states in his book that this philosophy of the
conscious and subconscious mind is not new. The Buddha,
2500 years ago, talked about Alay Vigyan, which directly
translates to ‘stored consciousness’. When the Buddha said,
‘You are what you think’, he was referring to the Alay Vigyan,
which is the part of the mind that stores our value system,
beliefs and experiences that drive our life. Just as Mr Sharma’s
criticism of his dyslexic son breaks down his self-esteem,

Lipton goes on to explain how constantly berating our
children can instil a belief system in their minds that can harm
them. Negative talk can have a huge impact on ourselves and
others. If your friends keep saying harmful things to you, it is
time to find new friends. If you keep saying harmful things to
yourself, it is time to start valuing yourself.
Therefore, if tribal people in the Solomon Islands can
break down the molecular architecture of a tree by disrupting
its emotions, think about how words are affecting other
humans. Humans have a greater frequency of consciousness.
How we communicate with others does have a positive or
negative effect on their mind.
How the mind affects the body
‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never
hurt me.’ This may be the world’s most believed phrase that
is untrue. Studies show that psychological and emotional
injuries can have as much damage to the outcome of our
lives as physical injuries. In their paper ‘Do Words Hurt?’,
neuroscientist Maria Richter and her colleagues tested how
the brain responds to real and imaginary negative words
in different subjects. They discovered that negative words
increase Implicit Processing (IMP) within an area of the
brain called the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex. What
this means is that negative words in real life or even negative
words that we think of, can release stress and anxiety-inducing
chemicals within us.1 Another study by Lodge and colleagues
in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders found that children who
had higher rates of negative self-talk had increased levels of

anxiety.2 Therefore, painful words that are imagined or spoken
out loud can have physical effects on our body in the form of
long-term anxiety and a reduction in our mental well-being.
What about positive words? Dr Andrew Newberg, an
American neuroscientist at Thomas Jefferson University,
and Mark Robert Waldam, an expert in communication,
published the book Words Can Change Your Brain in 2014,
in which they write, ‘A single word has the power to influence
the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional
stress.’3 They also confirm the statements written in our
previous section on positive affirmations, explaining how
practising the art of positive thinking can literally change the
outlook of our lives. ‘By holding a positive and optimistic
word in our mind, we stimulate frontal lobe activity. This
area includes specific language centres that connect directly
to the motor cortex responsible for moving us into action.
And, as our research has shown, the longer we concentrate
on positive words, the more we begin to affect other areas of
the brain.’
Newberg and Waldam explain that the long-term
benefits of sustained positive thoughts is remarkable, as these
thoughts change the function of the parietal lobe in our brain.
Not only does positive thinking by holding these words in
our mind help us, but it also starts training our brain to see
the good in others. Therefore, what this means for us is that
if we want to be more like Mr Nikumbh from Taare Zameen
Par, we have to change how we communicate with ourselves.
It is only when we do this that we can really change how we
are able to communicate with others. It is a scientific fact: if
we want to change the world, we have to change ourselves by

communicating with ourselves positively.
Ancient wisdom has known this fact for many millennia.
There is a subhashit or old Indian folk saying:
saṁsāra katu vṛkṣasya

dve phale amṛtopame
subhāṣita rasāsvāda
sangatiḥ sujanaiḥ jane
‘The world is like a tree full of bitterness. But it has

two fruits that taste sweet like nectar: sweet, kind,
encouraging words and the company of empathetic,
kind, good individuals.’
A further text from the Bhagavad Gita (17.5) tells us how

to make sure that our speech does not become the cause of
disturbance to others.
anudvega-karaṁ vākyaṁ
satyaṁ priya-hitaṁ ca yat
svādhyāyābhyasanaṁ caiva
vāṅ-mayaṁ tapa ucyate
‘Speaking truthful words that are pleasing, beneficial,

not disturbing to others comprises austerity of speech.’
In this context, austerity means to do that which is righteous,

beneficial and uplifting for us and others, not necessarily
what makes us feel good. This text shows the aspects of our
communication that can be uplifting to others. Words that are

truthful, pleasing, beneficial and not agitating are considered
positive. At times, we may speak words that are truthful in the
name of ‘constructive criticism’, but we may not have learnt
the art of speaking them in a pleasing or beneficial way. This
leads to the agitation of others.
Correcting others
Again, controlling the habit to speak untruths or harshly is

the sign of a leader, as they know how to encourage others
through positivity. This does not mean we do not have to
explain harsh truths to people when absolutely necessary.
One who is endangering their own life, or the lives of others,
needs to be communicated with efficiently and strongly at
times. But that does not imply that the underlying mood
behind that communication is not one of kindness. When
helping others is the motivation, although the words may
have to be strong, only love will shine through as we have
deeply considered the context in which we share them.
Where are we speaking these strong words? When are we
speaking them? What is the body language with which we
are speaking them? Who else is around when we are speaking
them? These are a few questions that a kind person will
consider when correcting others.
Is a doctor not kind to a child when they give them
medicine? Although it may taste bitter, this medication is
protecting the child from the world’s most deadly diseases.
The doctor is conscious, however, to make the child feel
at ease, use a technique to make it more palatable, give the
medication in a comfortable setting and make sure the parents

are informed. Love is in these details. Aggression does not
always mean harshness and gentleness doesn’t always mean
kindness. Maturity is knowing what is the best course of
action to help others. It means understanding the context of
their problem and communicating with them sensitively. To
know when to speak and when to be quiet is the hallmark of a
mature individual. This takes judgement, wisdom and a deep
introspection of our own nature.
There are times we must correct people but, as mentioned
previously, it should be done sensitively. Often, it is not about
what we say that causes pain but how we say it. As Maya
Angelou says, ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you
said, people will forget what you did, but people will never
forget how you made them feel.’
Rockefeller and his encouragement
New York is considered a city that never sleeps. It’s a city

where opportunities can arrive in a flash, but also devastate
someone as quickly. There is an old fable which mentions
John D. Rockefeller, a businessman and philanthropist,
considered one of the wealthiest people of all time.
On a cloudy evening, in the middle of Central Park,
New York, a businessman sat down exhausted on a bench.
His shirt was untucked, tie loose and face unshaven. He
held his head in his hands and broke down crying. He could
see no way out. Creditors were chasing him; suppliers were
demanding payment. He was on the verge of bankruptcy and
desperately racking his brain to see if anything could save
him. As he was losing hope, an old man came and sat next
to him. ‘Is something troubling you?’ he asked the man. The
businessman broke down, telling this friendly stranger all his
problems. After listening attentively, to the businessman’s
surprise, the old man said, ‘I believe I can help you.’ He
then went on to ask the man his name, wrote out a generous
cheque and handed it to the businessman. ‘Take this money
to kickstart your business. But promise me one thing: you will
meet me here exactly one year from today and you can pay me
back at that time.’
The old man folded the cheque, handed it directly to
the businessman and walked away. Wiping his tears, the
businessman saw that the cheque was for $500,000 and
was signed by John D. Rockefeller. ‘Unbelievable!’ the man
thought. He examined the cheque closely and saw it was real.
Knowing that he had this cheque as a back-up to resolve
all his financial troubles gave him the strength to continue
working at his craft. With an invigorated sense of purpose,
the businessman started striking new deals and negotiating
with his suppliers over payment. Within a few months of this
incident, he was debt-free and finally making a profit. He was
still flying with the knowledge that he had the support of the
richest man in the world with half a million dollars in his safe.
Four seasons passed and the businessman waited at the
same park bench where he had received incredible kindness.
He waited for hours, throughout the morning and afternoon,
but the old man did not appear. In the late evening, he
noticed the old man walking in the park and thought he may
have forgotten their meeting. He approached him waving
the cheque up in the air, ready to give the old man back his
contribution plus an extra $50,000 cash as a token of gratitude.

He spoke to John D. Rockefeller once again and told him all
about his business.
After a while, a bewildered nurse came to where they were
speaking, panting as if she had been jogging around Central
Park. ‘I’m so glad I caught him,’ she cried. ‘I hope he hasn’t
been bothering you. This man lives in the retirement home
and suffers from severe dementia. Many times, he runs away
and tells everybody that he is Mr Rockefeller. He is harmless
though, do not worry.’ She then escorted the old man who
was now holding in his hands a cheque for $500,000 from the
businessman, back to the retirement home. The astonished
businessman stood in the middle of the park shocked. He
did not know whether to laugh or cry. Throughout the year,
he had been confidently buying and selling huge stocks and
making large deals, convinced that he had half a million
dollars as a fall-back option with him.
That evening as the businessman reflected, he concluded
that it was the encouragement and the imagined support of
‘John D. Rockefeller’ that had changed his life. A simple
conversation, and the belief that our friends, family or people
we respect have in us, can be a powerful catalyst in helping us
achieve our dreams. Our words and acts of kindness can have
a ripple effect on others’ lives. That may be exactly what they
need at that time in their life.
Hanuman encouraged by Jambavan
The concept of encouraging words having the power to

change a person’s mindset to move forward is not new.
The Ramayana, an ancient history that happened several

thousands of years ago, tells the story of Shri Ramachandra
rescuing his kidnapped wife Shrimati Sita Devi from the
rakshasa king Ravana. There is a passage where the king of
bears, Jambavan, reminds Hanuman, the best of all monkeys,
about the potential that is stored within him to do his duty
and save Shrimati Sita Devi.
The Vanaraas, the monkey army that was recruited by
Shri Rama, were struggling to find a candidate to jump over
the ocean to Lanka to see if Sita was on Ravana’s island.
Many stepped forward, but none had the ability to jump over
the ocean and make it back safely. It was at this moment that
Jambavan spoke inspiring words to remind Hanuman of his
miraculous abilities. After this speech and sincere words of
encouragement that were full of truth, praise and honour,
Hanuman, having been reminded of all his abilities, decided
to jump to Lanka to find Shrimati Sita Devi. This ancient
story, which is well-known all over India, proves that even the
best among us need encouragement to fulfil their potential.
If we can learn the art of communication, we have the ability
to spark brilliance in others. Regardless of who we are, it is
positive sound that motivates us.
Beware of casual fun in relationships
When we get closer to people, we tend to become looser with

our boundaries. Although this can lead to greater intimacy, it
can lead to more conflict. The reason nations have boundaries
is to keep those who are not permitted to enter a country out.
The reason we should have boundaries in our relationships
is to keep friendship-breaking activities out. One of the

things I suggest to enhance our communication is to set clear
boundaries in our speech with people. What do we reveal to
people? How much do we share? What type of language do
we use? How often do we meet? Where do we meet? Do we
meet alone or in a group? These are a few questions we can
use to judge boundaries with people.
If we do not have boundaries, it can lead to arguments
or even worse. Often, we do not know how to argue without
destroying our relationships. Once a husband and a wife got
into a fight while they were on a long drive. Their heads were
hot, they were hungry and annoyed with each other. There
was pin-drop silence in the car as they drove through the
Indian countryside. The husband saw a drove of donkeys
grazing by the roadside and snapped to his wife, ‘Look your
relatives are grazing there.’ His wife snapped back, ‘Yes, nice
to see my mother-in-law, father-in-law and their children
enjoying a good feast.’
Relationships are beautiful when there is an element of
fun. Jokes and teasing are part of deeper bonding between
people, but both parties need to have the same understanding
and spirit to take that fun in the right way. Casual teasing and
mockery can lead to emotional harm if done repeatedly even
if done among good friends, let alone those who are not. Such
teasing could even turn into emotional abuse, whether done
knowingly or unknowingly. We must know the boundaries
and limits of our jokes. Crossing that line can tarnish our
cherished relationships.
Here are some principles to avoid hurting others in our
casual conversations:
When we tease our closest friends in jest, be sure not

to do it repeatedly as nobody likes to be made fun of all the
time. We should not stress their insecurities such as body-
shaming them (colour of skin, height, weight), mocking
the community they come from, their ethnicity, nationality,
socio-economic status, intellectual inability, etc. Finally, it
is important to not make jokes about their family. Making
jokes about a person’s spouse, mother, father, etc., can harm
our relationships.
The same principles are applied when someone makes a
joke about us. If we are on the receiving end of a joke, we need
to be sporting; but if they have stepped over a line and we
are hurt, we need to sensibly communicate that across. That
may mean being assertive enough to tell people if they have
crossed a boundary in their relationship with us.
When I finished watching Taare Zameen Par, I thought
about the principles of great communication and how powerful
words can be. Just a small recommendation from my friend
Boman Irani led to a profound exploration of communication
for me, showing yet again the power of words.
Exercise:
Reflect on your recent communication with your friends and

family.
Are you speaking the truth at the right time?
Is what you are saying pleasing as well as truthful?
Are you overstepping the boundaries of the relationship?
Think of three things you can do to improve your
communication for the future.
For example: ‘Last week, when my mum asked me for

feedback about her cooking, I spoke the truth by telling her
the issues I had about it. The problem was that I said it at a
completely wrong time and in the wrong way and thus ended
up hurting her. The next time she asks for feedback, I will
first tell her all the positives before telling her things she can
improve on.’
Chapter summary:
• Communication is not only about what we say but

how we behave, which is portrayed through our
body language.
• Words have the power to harm and do good, and
thus must be used wisely. They are so powerful that
abusive words can fell trees.
• Studies show that psychological and emotional
wounds can have as much damage to the outcome
of our lives as physical wounds.
• We should be careful when correcting others. It
is said in the Bhagavad Gita, ‘Speaking truthful
words that are pleasing, beneficial, not disturbing to
others, comprises austerity of speech.’
• Encouragement has powerful effects as seen in the
stories of Rockefeller and Jambavan.
• Casual teasing can be an element of a relationship
but can lead to emotional harm if done repeatedly,
even if done among good friends, let alone those
who are not.
thirteen
Moving Beyond ‘Oneself ’: Developing

Selflessness
‘Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an

understanding of ourselves.’
—Carl Gustav Jung
The businessman who nearly lost everything, the elderly man

with severe dementia who thought he was Rockefeller, and
me. What do we all have in common?
We have all experienced the intensity of living in New
York City.
When I visit the Big Apple, I stay in an oasis in Manhattan,
the Bhakti Centre. It’s a spiritual cultural centre and ashram on
New York City’s Lower East Side dedicated to helping people
transform through the practices of Bhakti Yoga. It looks like
a simple shopfront, but inside lie valuable jewels of wisdom
to help people develop themselves physically, emotionally and
spiritually. From this base, I usually travel extensively, lecturing
on topics of self-development, speaking to different crowds
sometimes up to four times a day. I do not lie when I say that
it is my greatest honour to speak so extensively, because it gives
240
Moving Beyond ‘Oneself ’: Developing Selflessness 241
me great joy to share the life-transforming principles that I

have received in my training as a monk. It’s deeply fulfilling
to work hard and serve people by helping them boost their
mental and spiritual well-being. However, there are days when
I need to unwind and focus on self-care too.
On those days, I take some time out to meditate, read
and explore the city. Especially on my early visits to New
York City, I was fascinated with the monuments I had only
seen in textbooks or Hollywood films as a child. On one such
‘self-care’ day, I went to visit the Statue of Liberty and the
Empire State Building, saw a Broadway show and the One
World Observatory. Some of my friends had taken me to
see these sights and monuments, as a treat. In fact, one of
them even asked me if I wanted a green foam crown, the type
the Lady of Liberty wears. But I felt that may have been an
overindulgence on my ‘self-care’ day and also, it would not
match my orange robes!
One of my favourite places was the top of the One World
Trade Centre Observatory. It spans ninety-nine storeys above
the ground and boasts 360-degree views of the concrete jungle
surrounded by the Hudson River, East River and Upper Bay.
It’s the tallest building in the US with its architectural height
being 1776 metres, the same number as the year in which the
Declaration of Independence was signed. It was an incredible
view that reminded me of how we feel when we rise above,
spiritually and mentally.
When we rise above:
• The problems that seem too huge to deal with now seem
tiny, like the buildings beneath us. We gain a broader
perspective and are able to better cope with the things

that may have fazed us in the past.
• We become immune to all the social drama that is
happening down there. When I was at the top of the
One World Observatory, I could see the cars and people
walking on the street below, but I could not hear them.
Similarly, when we rise above in our lives, we may be able
to see the drama, but we are immune to it as we focus on
higher principles.
• We can see the broader scheme of events in life. We were
excited to see if we could find the Bhakti Centre from the
top of the Observatory. After peering and searching, we
did, but it seemed to be just a tiny dot as a tiny part of the
entire island. When we rise above, the smaller things that
we go through in our life now make sense as a part of the
larger picture. I imagined what the first people that went
to space thought when looking back at Earth. We are a
tiny part of the large universe, but that does not mean we
cannot do our tiny bit to add value to the world we live in.
Being that high above the clouds was an exhilarating and

reflective experience. However, something that also impressed
me was the elevator. On the way up, it showed the landscape
of Manhattan in virtual reality from the ground up to the
top floor while moving through the ages from the year 1500
to the present day. It was incredible to see how New York
had developed industrially but devastating to see one of the
Twin Towers vanishing as the timeline hit 2001. What was
stunning was that this was all virtual but felt so real. On the
way down, we descended from the sky to the ground in forty-
seven seconds. I think it takes me longer to climb one flight

of stairs to my room in the ashram in Mumbai.
These elevators had an incredible virtual view to keep us
occupied and no one was looking at each other, maintaining
an awkward silence. Most elevators in skyrise buildings tend
to have mirrors, but this is not always the case. In another
part of New York, occupants of a large residential tower
started complaining about the poor elevator service in the
building. They told the landlord that at peak times the wait
for an elevator was excessively long. It got so bad that several
tenants threatened to break their contracts and leave the
building. That prompted the building management to come
up with the solution to increase the speed of the elevator. The
problem was that this building was built over fifty years ago;
there was no engineering solution to increase the speed of the
elevators. It was back to the drawing board. The management
then hired a psychologist to see what could be done about the
waiting time. They wondered why people would complain
about waiting only two minutes and concluded that it was
because people got bored waiting. For the majority of the
day, they were queueing up at the supermarket or for the
metro or for lunch. They did not want to have to queue up
to enter their own homes, but there was no engineering feat
that could change this. Therefore, the psychologist decided to
tackle the problem of boredom by giving people something
to do while waiting for the elevator: look at themselves in the
mirror. Large mirrors were installed next to the elevators and
the number of complaints dropped dramatically. Today, there
are mirrors around most elevator lobbies and within lifts for
this same reason.
I have seen so many people checking themselves out in their

reflection in elevator mirrors. Some are doing their hair, others
are quickly applying make-up and others are trying to make
themselves look less tired. This happens in all mirrors. Give
someone a mirror and they will be occupied for hours, whether
it’s rear-view mirrors in cars, bathroom mirrors or even a mirror
kept in a purse. This is normal; no one wants to look bad. I often
joke that no one looks as beautiful as their social media display
picture or as ugly as their driving licence picture! However,
mirrors don’t lie. There is no Photoshop, no filters, no editing.
It’s just the way we are . . . on the outside at least. Mirrors do not
show one thing though, our intentions on the inside.
The people around us can often act as mirrors to give us
a glimpse of how we may be on the inside. Their reactions to
our speech, body language, dealings and behaviour can give us
a hint if we are doing the right thing. That is not to say that
we live for the approval of others. That is probably the worst
thing to do. But there may be some truth as to how people
respond to us that highlights our inner attitude.
If we can reflect on our intentions, purpose and
expectations daily, we are more likely to get to a stage where we
can positively influence those around us. This is because who
we are internally affects our behaviour externally and thereby
the people around us. There are three main things we have to
watch out for: self-conceit, self-absorption and selfishness.
Self-conceit
Self-conceit refers to taking undue pride in ourselves. It means

to have an excessively favourable opinion about ourselves and
our abilities. There is a fine line between being confident and

being conceited. They both come from the root of our belief
in our own abilities, but confidence comes across as attractive,
whereas self-conceit, or arrogance, leaves an unpleasant taste
in people’s mouths. The difference between the two is based
on our intention. Confident people have the intention to serve
others. Arrogant people may serve others, but the intention
of their service is to benefit themselves through the fruits of
such service.
Admittedly there are cultural differences in the way
people behave. I remember visiting the UK for the first time
and walking past someone and not paying attention to them.
That was a huge English faux pas. There is no custom in
India to say ‘hello’ to everyone you see as you pass them in the
hallway. However, by the time I had reached the end of the
corridor, I had received a text message from a senior monk
who was in India, about how my rude behaviour was affecting
others. I may have come across as self-conceited, but it was
just a cultural misunderstanding.
A few years ago, I was invited for an awards evening in
Mumbai. The guest of honour was a prominent leader of
the Anti-Terrorist Squad (ATS) who had been responsible
for foiling several terrorist operations around the country.
Through his work he may have saved thousands of lives. He
was being honoured tonight as the chief guest; I was there
simply as an additional guest speaker. We both sat on the stage
and looked upon hundreds of young people. As he spoke, I
noticed people on their phone, talking among themselves and
not paying attention. They did not seem to care what he was
speaking about. However, when I spoke, people were on the
edge of their seats; they cheered and whistled. At the end of

the event, while the organizers escorted me to the car, he was
just walking by himself. The crowd gathered around me to
take a selfie and he humbly stood there waiting for his car.
The organizers had inconsiderately arranged for a Mercedes
to take me back, but it was a Honda Civic for him. Though I
smiled out of gratitude, there was only embarrassment flowing
through my veins. All I could do was be kind and courteous
and try to defuse the commotion around me.
On the way back, I thought that the man had been so
humble despite being renowned, accomplished and successful.
A person who is powerful today may become irrelevant
tomorrow. Just the power of time! You only have to go to a
crowd of Gen Z friends and they will ask you who is Michael
Jackson or Elvis Presley. In a couple of generations, former
huge stars become irrelevant. Therefore, how can we think of
being conceited ourselves?
I was inspired by this man and offered a silent prayer in my
heart. The same thing will surely happen to me in a few years
or decades. I will be the chief guest at an award ceremony,
but no one will care that I am there. There will be another
hotshot on stage who wins the crowd over. Self-conceit stems
from not realizing that. There will always be people who are
better than us. I looked at my award with gratitude but also
humility, that one day I will be irrelevant too.
In the great epic the Ramayana, one of its heroes is
Hanuman. He was given the ability to jump across the ocean
to save Shrimati Sita Devi and was the leader among the
monkey armies then. He was ferocious, intelligent and in
the limelight in the Ramayana. However, if we jump forward
to the Mahabharata, another history of India, he becomes a

cheerleader on the flag of Arjuna in the Battle of Kurukshetra.
A once sought-after personality is now a decoration on a flag,
not taking centre stage any more. However, Hanuman had
deep confidence in his ability to transcend these external
superficialities and so was able to focus on serving others
regardless of the position. That is the difference between
confidence and self-conceit.
Staying with the Mahabharata, its key villain,
Duryodhana, displays endless self-conceit while one of its
heroes, Yudhisthira, demonstrates quiet confidence. In
that period, India was ruled by kings descending from the
Bharat dynasty; hence, one of the names of India is Bharat.
Yudhisthira and his five brothers, the Pandavas, were the
rulers of Indraprastha whereas Duryodhana, one of the
hundred Kaurava brothers, was the prince of Hastinapur. The
name Yudhisthira literally translates to one who is stable even
in the middle of a battle. The Pandavas were pious, righteous
and spiritually inclined whereas the Kauravas were consumed
by greed, arrogance and envy.
The story starts with Duryodhana asking Shri Krishna a
question, ‘Krishna, why am I considered a bad person while
my cousin Yudhishthira is perceived as good?’
Shri Krishna replied, ‘Come to me tomorrow and I will
answer this question for you. However, you must return to
your kingdom and bring one good man with you to see me
tomorrow.’ After this, Shri Krishna requested Yudhishthira
to see him and requested, ‘Yudhishthira, please find me one
bad person in your kingdom and come with him to meet me
and Duryodhana tomorrow.’
The next day the two cousins came to see Shri Krishna,
both without anyone with them. ‘Why have you come alone?’
Shri Krishna asked them both.
Duryodhana jumped at the opportunity to reply and said
proudly, ‘I searched my whole kingdom, but I could not find
a single good man in the whole of Hastinapur. Everyone
seemed to be a cheater!’
Yudhishthira then spoke and said, ‘My dear Krishna, I
searched everywhere too, but I could not find one bad man.
Everyone had the spark of goodness within them.’
Lord Krishna turned to Duryodhana and said, ‘Here, you
have your answer! You are perceived as a bad man because
you only see the bad in others, because you think so highly of
yourself. Yudhishthira is loved by all because he cannot see
the evil in others!’
Self-conceit is thinking that I am the best and no one
else is worthy of being on the same level as me. Confidence
is to respect yourself, but equally give respect to others
without expecting any back for yourself. This is something
Yudhishthira was able to see, but Duryodhana could not.
A beautiful wisdom verse describes the four types of
people who are unable to see:
na paśyati janmāndhaḥ
kamāndho naiva paśyati
madonmattā na paśyanti
arthī doṣam na paśyati
The first is a person who is born without the physical ability

to see. The second is someone who is infatuated with lust
and is unable to see the truth. The third is someone who is

intoxicated with pride and cannot see the value of others.
They do not value others’ opinions or points of view. And
the fourth is someone who is greedy and cannot see the risks
involved in striving without proper character. They may lack
the ethics or the proper process of making money.
When one is intoxicated with pride, people around can
dislike us, hate us, disconnect from us and, if in a position of
power, try to dislodge us. On the other hand, if we are humble,
people will love us, connect with us and help us. Being humble
does not mean we are pushovers. As C.S. Lewis said, ‘Being
humble means we do not think less of ourselves but think of
ourselves less.’
There is an anecdote that beautifully explains what it
means to be humble. When walking in downtown Mumbai,
Mr Rashid, a wealthy businessman, spotted a young man
begging on the streets. He was dressed in rags, wore shoes
with multiple holes in them and smelt like he had not
showered in weeks. However, his eyes were full of devotion
and what he said to Mr Rashid was very sincere. ‘Please sir, I
am not begging for money. I am begging for an opportunity
to work with you. I know I look appalling, but I have fallen
on hard times. I really want an opportunity to work hard and
get myself out of this situation.’ Finding him to be genuine,
Mr Rashid decided to employ him as a clerk in his company.
Mr Rashid found this man to be straightforward and hard-
working. Everything he had told him on the street had been
true; he worked harder than anyone else. After a few days,
when Mr Rashid was speaking with the man over a cup of
chai, he found out that he was a chartered accountant and
also had an MBA but things started to deteriorate for him

when he lost interest in doing anything, having lost his family
in a car accident a few years back. There was no other way
to maintain himself apart from begging. Understanding the
man’s expertise and that his gesture of goodwill was actually a
huge benefit for his team, Mr Rashid decided to promote this
‘homeless man’ to senior manager in his accounting team. A
mere one year later, this homeless man was now the CEO of
the company. This was a true rags-to-riches story, but trouble
was on the horizon.
Seeing him rise up the ranks so quickly and becoming
a trusted associate of the owner of the company, other staff
members who had worked in the company for much longer
began to feel jealous and insecure. Who was this new person
who had stolen the position they had been waiting for, for years?
They started to dig into this ‘homeless’ man’s past. They
noticed something particularly interesting. Although the
man was well-dressed, groomed and wore smart black shoes
everywhere, he carried a locked duffel bag everywhere he
went. Every day, when no one was looking, he would unlock
it, look inside and quickly lock it up again.
Alarmed at this suspicious behaviour, and relieved
to find some dirt on the man, some of the employees
approached Mr Rashid and accused the man of stealing
important documents and items from the company. The
owner laughed and did not believe it, but still decided to
cross-check the claims. He went to the man’s cabin with a
mob of smug employees following him and knocked at the
door. He asked all the other employees to wait outside as
he walked in and closed the door behind him. The other
employees looked at the interaction through the glass side-

panels.
‘I know this is not true, but other members of the team
have suspicions that you may be taking home sensitive
documents,’ Mr Rashid said. The man’s face dropped, and he
began sweating. Mr Rashid became slightly more suspicious
and asked, ‘Could you please open this bag?’
‘This bag,’ the man said, snatching it off the table. ‘There
is nothing special inside. I don’t see the need.’
‘Yes, that locked bag. Please open it,’ Mr Rashid said
firmly now. The man slowly unlocked the bag after a lot of
insistence from Mr Rashid. What was inside shocked Mr
Rashid and brought him to tears. It was the set of torn clothes
and shoes that the man used to wear when he was homeless,
the same set Mr Rashid had found him in a year ago. ‘Why do
you keep this bag locked up? Why do you keep these clothes?’
Mr Rashid asked.
‘These items are my most valuable treasure,’ the man
started timidly. ‘Every day I see them to remind myself where
I was in life, where I am today and who was responsible for
helping me,’ he said. Catching on to what had happened, all
the employees stopped gawking through the window and
returned to work embarrassed. Mr Rashid gave him a huge
hug while they both wept.
This anecdote is powerful as it shows the nature of
someone who is not self-conceited. Such people remain
humble, grateful and they dedicate double the energy for the
ones who made them who they are today.
This man had gone through hard times, but picked
himself up to be self-confident, not self-conceited. He did
not use his position or accolades to boast, thus he preserved

his character. Self-confidence means to be the best version of
yourself; it means to strive for the best but keep your humility.
The apps on our phone are constantly updating. Whether
we use iOS or Android, updating our apps means to use the
best versions of what exists for our phones. Why would we
not want to use the best? Similarly, we have to try and be the
highest version of ourselves. If we stick to the older version
of ourselves, we reach a ceiling in our development and start
to stagnate. Stagnation does not mean we stay where we are.
In reality, it means that we are actually going down than
staying where we are. When we update to the highest version
of ourselves, we become our competition. Nobody else is our
competition. We have to compete with ourselves at every
single moment to become the best version of ourselves.
The line between self-confidence and self-conceit is
thin. Self-confidence makes us feel that we are the best we
can be, but arrogance makes us think we are the best in the
world. Self-confidence includes humility but self-conceit does
not. Humility means keeping our minds, our hearts and our
consciousness open to learning from the people around us.
Everybody has so much to offer; arrogance stops us from
learning from them. It is arrogance that makes us think that
we have cracked it all, there is no more room for improvement,
there is no scope for enhancing our skills.
Exercise: Humility in action
One aspect of humility is the openness to learn from the right

people around us.
Think of one new thing you learnt from a different person

every day for a week. The person could even be someone you
would usually not expect to learn from or interact with.
For example, I learnt how to respectfully deal with someone
treating me unfairly by observing how my bus driver handled a
customer who was shouting abuse at him for no reason.
Self-absorbed
Another negative trait to look out for when trying to move

beyond oneself is being self-absorbed. This means to be
preoccupied with one’s feelings, interests and situation without
considering the same for others around us. There is a huge,
positive movement in the world for self-care, to focus on one’s
own needs, growth and endeavours. This is important as it is
only when we are well situated in our own lives that we can
give to others. As mentioned, I have experienced this first-
hand when I tour different countries. I need those self-care
days to recharge so I can give my best to others. However, I
fear that sometimes in the name of self-care we can be pushed
over the boundary into self-absorption.
We may be self-absorbed ourselves or know someone
who is. They show little interest for the care of others and
find it difficult to empathize with another’s perspective. The
motivation for them in nearly all situations is getting their
needs and wants met. Clinical psychologist Peretua Neo who
graduated from University College, London, states that, ‘We
may see self-absorption in children between the ages of two
and six, which is very egocentric. That is expected of children,
but for adults who are self-absorbed, it’s almost like they
never outgrew that stage—even if they have great scripts and

can mask their self-absorption.’
I want to take you back to our ashram in Mumbai. From
a few simple rooms in the early days to a plethora of rooms to
accommodate nearly 100 monks, the ashram has developed
immensely. And it is not just in the architecture. We have
many academically and professionally qualified people joining
to become monks who add their own flavour and create robust
systems for everything to keep things organized, whether it’s
how our library operates to how our sevasthan or medical room
functions. As we age, the systems for caring for monks have
evolved too. As many seniors grow elderly, their changing
needs need to be accommodated. Even for me, everything
from food to laundry, accommodation to travel and healthcare
to insurance is taken care of. For me as a monk, I have never
had to really feel the pain of paying bills, to shop for groceries
or book tickets for a flight. I agree that this seems luxurious,
but there are other struggles monks face that people outside
the ashram do not. Staying with nearly 100 other people is a
different kind of challenge.
Nevertheless, I deeply empathize the battles families in
our community have to fight. It is hard to survive in Mumbai
as salaries can seem stagnant and prices become inflated. If
you are a middle-class person, buying a house can seem a far-
off dream. There are mortgages to be paid, education expenses
for kids, healthcare payments, taxes and travel expenses. We
have not even mentioned the simple luxuries in life like eating
at a restaurant or going on holiday.
At one point in time, I realized that, in our ashram,
we seemed to have too many privileges. Many of us were
becoming out of touch with the real world and the struggles
that people go through. The facilities we had freed up our time
for spiritual endeavours. That same time was not available for
people of our community who were non-ashramites. Our
lectures used to come from the view of those in the ashram
and started to go stale as we said things that did not make
sense to the growing family communities. The symptoms we
were experiencing were signs of ‘ashram self-absorption’. It is
not as if we are horrible people, but in our bubble, we did not
understand how others were living or the hardships they faced.
I decided to speak up and share this with our temple
leadership. Monks need to interact with families to understand
and empathize with the challenges they face. This can help us
be down-to-earth and also serve them better. When we find
ourselves becoming too self-absorbed and unable to relate to
people, we should think, ‘Is there something I am missing?
Is there something I am doing which means that I cannot
relate to or empathize with this person’s needs?’ We can also
book time out to solely focus on other people. People have
their ‘me time’ or ‘self-care time’. To move beyond oneself,
I recommend booking out ‘them time’, which means for that
period of time, I am solely focused on the needs and wants of
others, beyond my own tasks and projects.
Selfishness
The last of the three character traits that stop us from moving
beyond ourselves is selfishness. A self-absorbed person is only
interested in their own life, but a selfish person deeply cares
only about their own personal profit and pleasure.
People who are self-absorbed are too focused on their

own lives to have time, energy and care for the lives of others.
However, selfishness is an advanced form of self-absorption.
It represents people whose thoughts, words and actions do
not exhibit any consideration for others’ feelings, likes and
desires.
A baby fish and its mother were once swimming near the
shore. The baby asked its mother, ‘Why can we not live on
land and roam the earth?’
The mother replied, ‘Child, the land is not a place for
fish, it is the place for the selfish.’
Selfish people are mainly takers and rarely give to others.
They do not care for others’ interests or their well-being. They
want to enjoy themselves as much as they can and suffer the
least. They do not have a genuine interest in others but may
fake that they do to take care of their own needs. Although
they have some ethical boundaries, their consciousness is
pervaded with self-interest.
The opposite of selfishness is selflessness. This is where
the operating system for that person is focused on the genuine
well-being of others. Such a person is willing to go out of his
or her comfort zone and make serious sacrifices for another’s
pleasure.
Staying with stories about the ocean, a man once went
sailing with his friends. The sea was choppy and the boat
was rocking. All of a sudden, a one-pound coin fell into the
river. In a flash, the man jumped into the waters to retrieve
it, unmindful that he did not know how to swim and did not
have a life jacket on. As he began to drown, one of his friends
shouted at him, ‘Give me your hand so that I can pull you out.’
The drowning man refused. Another friend on the boat who

was watching this told the rest that he knew how to save him.
‘He only understands the take-language, not the give-
language,’ he laughed. After the first gentleman changed give
to take, asking him to ‘take his hand’, the man agreed, and
reached out to be saved. He was pulled back on to the boat,
and was able to breathe normally again.
Our breath is something we are born with, and we die
with. As we breathe in, our chest expands and as we breathe
out, our chest collapses. There is no such thing as just
breathing in or just breathing out. There is a natural rhythm
of giving and taking within our body and in life as well. No
one wants to be around a person who is only taking; whether
it is resources, help, time or attention.
A wisdom verse says:
pibanti nadyaḥ svayameva nāmbhaḥ

svayaṃ na khādanti phalāni vṛkṣāḥ।
nādanti sasyaṃ khalu vārivāhāḥ
paropakārāya satāṃ vibhūtayaḥ॥
‘Rivers do not drink their own water and trees do not

eat their own fruits. Likewise, rain-bearing clouds do
not eat the grains they help grow. Surely, the aim of
great noble and righteous persons in their lifetime is to
do selfless service to humanity.’
The story of Kamalamma demonstrates what it means to

move beyond ourselves. The picture that surfaced of her
on social media displays the depth of her selflessness. In
the second wave of the Covid-19 pandemic, India went

through a hard time. Families were ravaged by the disease,
which took their loved ones away. At that time, we had seen
incredible initiatives of humanity to help others, but one such
contribution impressed me. It was the contribution made by
seventy-year-old Kamalamma. Kamalamma, a resident of
Chennagiri Koppal in Mysuru, had donated Rs 500 out of her
Rs 600 monthly pension to the Chief Minister’s Covid-19
fund. This amounts to nearly 90 per cent of the sum she
received as a pension even though she herself is a destitute.
What is important is not how much we give, but how much
we hold back.
Self-awareness
I am not propagating selflessness to an extent where we burn

out. That is not sustainable. However, when self-care remains
only for oneself without extending into the service of others, it
morphs into selfishness.
The way to accept self-care without being selfish is
through self-awareness. This is when we try to consider our
wants and needs with the same force as we consider other
people’s wants and needs. Imagine if all the needs we must
attend to in a day were written on a whiteboard and we had
to prioritize them. Some of those needs would be our own
and some would be the needs of others. It is not the case that
our needs are always at the top of the list as a priority, but
sometimes they are and that’s okay.
Life is busy for everyone, regardless of who we are, but it’s
not busy for all at the same time. There may be times when
life is hurting us and we need to prioritize our own needs, but

there may be times when we have a greater capacity to shift
our attention to the needs of others. For most people, it is hard
to think about their own needs because we do not want to be
labelled selfish by society. The way to be more compassionate
to ourselves is to think: if someone else puts their own needs
first, would we brand them selfish? Therefore, why would we
do it to ourselves? It is okay to refuel and recharge. It is okay
to take a walk instead of doing chores. It is okay to say that we
are out of office instead of replying to that work email.
Being self-aware is the secret to moving beyond ourselves
and giving to others sustainably. When we are self-aware, we
can understand if we are being self-conceited, self-absorbed
or selfish and then correct that appropriately. It sounds like a
paradox, but when we are self-aware, when we take time out
to refill our tanks of compassion, that is when we can have a
huge impact on aiding the well-being of others. It is in this
state of balance, we will feel great about ourselves; we will feel
higher than the clouds as if we have taken a virtual elevator up
to the top floor of the One World Observatory.
Chapter summary:
• Just as a mirror can reflect our externals well, we

have to continuously place a mirror on ourselves
internally through deep introspection to see if we
are moving beyond ourselves to really help the
mental well-being of others.
• To develop self-awareness, we must look out for

three things: self-conceit, self-absorption and
selfishness.
• Self-conceit refers to taking undue pride in ourselves.
It means to have an excessively favourable opinion
about ourselves and our abilities.
• Self-absorbed means to be preoccupied with one’s
feelings, interests and situation without considering
the same for others around us.
• A selfish person deeply cares only about their own
personal profit and pleasure.
• The way to accept self-care without being selfish
is through self-awareness. When self-care remains
only for oneself without extending into the service
of others, it morphs into selfishness.
section 4
THE UNIVERSE AND MY MIND
The final section of this book focuses on how the mind is
affected by the universe around us. We have already learnt
how our own mind can affect us, how other people can
affect our mind and how we can affect other people’s minds.
However, in this chapter, we discuss forces in the world that
can have an influence on how we think, feel and behave and
can affect our emotional well-being. Let’s dive deep into
ancient concepts of identity that can create outcomes for our
modern way of living.
fourteen
We Are a Universe within a Universe
‘When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.’

—Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
My travels take me through many different cultures. One

of the most interesting places I have visited on the planet is
Moscow, Russia. It is considered the world’s northernmost
megacity and regained the title as the capital of Russia from
St Petersburg under Soviet rule in 1918. Moscow has a
population of approximately 12 million.1 The people I met
in Moscow were straightforward, to-the-point and extremely
hospitable. The intensity with which the monks in Russia
practice mantra meditation and listen to wisdom lectures is
unparalleled anywhere in the world!
During one of my trips to Moscow, one of the Russian
monks presented me with a gift. He handed it to me at the
airport as I was just about to leave for India. I was wearing
my saffron robes, a thick puffy jacket and a woolly hat. Just
as the devotion of the monks in Russia is unparalleled, so are
their winters! When I opened the box, I was surprised to find
a small wooden doll. I looked at the monk with confusion,
263
meaning to convey, ‘I am a grown-up and I do not play

with dolls.’
He sensed my confusion and began smiling. ‘This doll is
a very special one,’ he said. ‘It is hand-carved, oak wood and
is called a matryoshka or babushka doll. Everyone who visits
Moscow takes it back as a souvenir for their loved ones as
it represents the feminine, softer side of Russian culture and
strong family values.’ Matryoshkas are a set of wooden dolls of
decreasing size placed inside each other. The one he presented
me had nine nested layers, one inside each other and getting
smaller. The largest doll that held the others was four inches
long; the world record for the largest set of matryoshka dolls is
a 51-piece set painted in 2003 with the largest doll measuring
twenty-one inches. My dolls were hand-painted with reds,
greens and yellows and had images of a motherly lady as is
traditional. Some of you might have seen these dolls as they
are quite popular.
I opened the dolls up at the airport lounge and placed them
next to each other. The craftmanship was quite remarkable.
The nested dolls reminded me of a beautiful concept about
identity from the ancient literatures that was taught to me at
the beginning of my monastic training.
Am I the senses?
Just as the Russian doll has layers, each getting smaller and
more intricate, our identity also has layers. The Bhagavad
Gita explains that we have five external layers—earth, water,
fire, air and space—which together make up the physical
body. There are also five knowledge-acquiring senses—smell,
We Are a Universe within a Universe 265
sight, taste, sound and touch—which are subtle and help us

interact with the world. As I sat at Sheremetyevo International
Airport in Moscow, I looked around to see how all my five
knowledge-acquiring senses were engaged.
My sense of smell was picking up the fragrance of duty-
free perfumes, coffee and the odd person who had not used
deodorant! My sight was engaged in seeing people from all
around the world walking around with their carry-on luggage.
Some were looking at designer shops, some were engrossed in
their phone and others were eating. What were they eating?
That is how their sense of taste was engaged. Burger King,
McDonald’s, Pizza Hut were all there as choices. Other
lesser known names were Kroshka Kartoshka, Teremok and
Buy&Fly. My ears were engaged in the sounds: general hubbub,
announcements for flights and the undertone of classical music
that reverberated through the airport. The final sense was
touch. My own arms were against the cushioned airport chair,
but I saw signs for an airport spa and a fish pedicure.
Just being in an airport lounge, we can engage all our
senses. It’s a whole experience of the senses for us to enjoy
before we jet across the world. But the real question is who is
enjoying that experience? Who is that us?
The things we see in the world are made out of matter,
which is inert, that is, it contains no life. Wisdom states
that our senses are also made out of the very same matter.
Therefore, the questions can be raised: Are our eyes the
ones experiencing the beauty of the world? Are our tongues
experiencing the taste of coffee? Are our noses smelling the
roses in the garden? Are our hands touching the freshly mown
grass? No, they are not. It is us who is experiencing that.
We see through our eyes, we smell through our nose, we

taste using our tongue. As matter cannot experience other
matter, this implies that we are something beyond the senses.
We are simply utilizing the body and the senses as a tool to
interact with things and people in this world.
Am I the mind?
While I was watching the inner workings of the airport and

how all of my senses were being utilized, I was about to put
my headphones on to zone out of the external world, when I
saw something interesting. I saw airline staff at the check-in
counter behaving really rudely with a passenger. ‘Your bag
is 0.5 kilograms overweight, sir. Please remove some items
immediately or we won’t allow you to board,’ the staff said
abruptly. The passenger began to raise his voice, talking about
how he was feeling slightly cheated having seen the person
before him being allowed 5 extra kilograms in their luggage
without being charged.
Different people may have reacted in different ways to
this situation. One person may have felt hurt and given them
the silent treatment; someone else may have ignored the
situation, paid the bill and gone on with their travel. Each
one of us feels a different emotion and may respond very
differently to a stimulus that acts as a trigger.
Who is feeling those emotions? Who is going through
those experiences? The mind is such a powerful voice within
us that it is natural to feel that we are the mind. As the
philosopher René Descartes said, ‘Cogito, ergo sum’, which
translates as, ‘I think, therefore I am’. The mind is a tool that
accepts or rejects what comes to us in our lives on a moment-

by-moment basis. When it faces a sense stimulus, the mind
is the one that considers the possibility of engaging with it.
When we walk by a cake shop, it tells us to go in or walk past.
The mind also projects the emotions we are experiencing
front and centre into our thoughts, just as an LED projector
shows a movie on a screen.
However, ancient wisdom states that we are not the
mind. How can we explain this? It is easy with the senses.
For example, the eye does not experience beauty; we know
that it is something within. However, the mind is within. So
how can we explain that the core of our identity does not start
with the mind?
At times, I walk to the beach from our ashram in
Chowpatty, Mumbai, and sit to see the beautiful sunset. In
those moments I am just present—no phone or priorities—
just savouring the experience. I have no thoughts at this time;
it feels like my mind is switched off. It is a deep experience,
albeit a very brief one, where you are just there. But all of
a sudden, you come back and your mind reboots again,
projecting multiple thoughts and making sense of all the
sense perceptions around.
This can also happen when top athletes or performers
are ‘in the zone’ or ‘in a flow state’. In psychology, this is a
mental state when a person is fully immersed in a feeling of
full concentration, hyper focus and enjoyment in the process
of a certain activity. It is the complete absorption in a process,
a feeling where we move beyond the day-to-day interactions
our senses experience. Examples of being in the zone and
moving beyond the mind are when top athletes compete.
They are focused on their sport—thoughtless for a moment

as their mind does not speak to them as it would casually.
After the race or event, when they leave that flow state, their
emotions and thoughts come rushing back.
A similar experience may happen to someone who loses
a person very dear to them. That state of shock stuns them
where nothing registers, the mind stops functioning and it
takes them a while to come back to their senses. This is an
experience beyond the mind.
Also when the mind gets disconnected from the particular
sense, even though the sense is in contact with the sense
object, we don’t perceive that sense object. That is why there
is the concept of being absent-minded, that is, the mind is
elsewhere. Since the creation of video games, mothers have
been shouting at their children to stop playing and come
down for dinner. Even though the sound of the mother
shouting is entering their ear, sometimes the mind of the
child is so disconnected with their hearing that they do not
even perceive that their mother is calling them.
Therefore, it is the mind, which is used by the Self, that
explores the objects around in the pursuit of pleasure. It is also
a vehicle in which we experience feelings and emotions.
Am I the intelligence?
Let’s dive deeper into the matryoshka dolls of our personality.

According to ancient wisdom, the next layer is the intelligence.
Back at the airport in Moscow, I saw many people had their
headphones on and were watching movies on their phones. In
fact, many couples had one earphone each and were watching
things together.
When we watch films, we disconnect from that aspect of
our intelligence which analyses if things are true or false, so
that we can just enjoy the movie. We all know someone who
always ruins a film for you by whispering, ‘That would not
happen in real life because . . .’ They have not disconnected
that aspect of their intelligence which is calculating reality
and thus, they lose the entertainment value of the film. When
we watch Mission: Impossible, we know for certain that this
is fiction. Tom Cruise, although he does all his own stunts,
is not actually saving the world. However, for the two hours
we are watching the film, our whole being is engrossed in the
action. We feel as if it is real as we allow our intelligence to
stop analysing it.
People in love can also stop analysing things. When
a couple is deeply in love, we say that they are ‘loved up’.
Others viewing their relationship may see things are not right
with them. They may not be compatible for multiple reasons,
but they cannot see that. Their intelligence stops working
because of the powerful emotions they are experiencing. As
Jules Renard says, ‘Love is like an hourglass, with the heart
filling up as the brain empties.’ If they are compatible, that
is fine, and all is well. But as the intelligence reboots again,
they may realize that this relationship has flaws that they
overlooked. I sometimes joke that love is blind, but marriage
is the eye-opener.
Therefore, even the intelligence is an instrument that is
used and can get shut off. Whether we are watching a film or
are madly in love, the intelligence can also stop working and
is therefore not the essence of our identity.
Am I the ego?
The next layer is the ego. The ego represents the multiple
roles and identity labels that we all have. To understand the
ego, where we forget ourselves as we get preoccupied with the
role we are playing, let’s discuss the award-winning Daniel
Day-Lewis. He is widely considered to be one of the most
accomplished actors of all time, having won three Academy
Awards for Best Actor, four BAFTAs and two Golden Globes,
among others. His technique of acting is called method acting,
where he lives as if he is in the role he is playing. He literally
loses his own identity when he is immersed in this method-
acting process. For example, in 2012, he starred in Steven
Spielberg’s acclaimed biopic of President Abraham Lincoln
as the President himself. Not only had he done extensive
research about the man he was playing, he understood his
mannerisms in depth. He changed his entire ego for a while
to behave like Lincoln himself, asking his co-stars to call him
‘Mr President’ and even texted them back as ‘Abe’. For this
performance, he received an Oscar for Best Actor.
Wisdom states that we are all method actors. ‘All the
world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players:
they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his
time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.’ This quote by
William Shakespeare explains the ego perfectly. We all have
multiple roles to play in life: our personal, social, professional
and community roles, among others. We need to play our
roles well. Daniel Day-Lewis immerses himself in the roles he

acts, but never forgets that he is Daniel Day-Lewis. Similarly,
we need to play our roles in society well, but we should not
forget that they are just roles and we are not our roles. We are
the ones who are playing those roles.
The words ‘I am’ represent the ego. ‘I am a human, I am
a man or woman, I am Indian, Russian or American, I am
Hindu, Christian or Muslim.’ ‘I am’ encompasses a whole
range of identities, but one has to question if ‘I am’ is the ego,
who is that ‘I’?
I am the Self!
The final layer within the Russian doll of our identities is the
Self. It is the ‘I’ who uses the body and the senses, the mind
and the intelligence. It is the ‘I’ who has the ego—our sense
of identity—but who is that ‘I’?
Ancient wisdom tells us that permeating throughout our
whole body is consciousness. This consciousness is the only
thing in the universe that is not matter or as physicists may
say, it is ‘anti-matter’. It is generated from the area around
the heart from the spark of life that gives energy to the other
layers of our identity, the senses, mind, intelligence and the
ego. In many traditions, this spark is called the ‘soul’ or the
‘spirit’. In ancient wisdom, it is called the ‘atma’. They are all
synonyms, but are just called different things based on time,
place and circumstance. It is when the spark leaves the body
that life comes to a standstill. It is the driving force of life.
An ancient text, the Linga Purana, defines the atma very
precisely: ‘to obtain or, to eat or, to absorb or, to enjoy or, to
pervade all’. Even in popular culture, it is easy to understand

the atma. I remember on my ‘self-care’ day in New York, the
Broadway show we went to watch was The Lion King. In this
classic film and show, there is a concept of the main character
Simba being extremely powerful but forgetting who he is.
Rafiki, the mystic healer, takes him to the top of the mountain
where the spirit of Simba’s father Mufasa reminds him of who
he is and gives him the power to achieve what he sets his mind
to. ‘Just remember who you are,’ he tells the lost Simba. If we
decide to, and truly connect with the atma, moving beyond our
external identity labels, not only do we have the ability to reach
our aspirations, but also handle everything that comes our way
by connecting to a spiritual energy that is not known by many.
This knowledge is incredible as it is the basis of the universe.
This may sound very lofty, but ancient wisdom dictates that we
have the macro-universe and the micro-universe. The macro-
universe is composed of matter exactly like the micro-universe,
our own body. However, what is driving the macro-universe
is this energy of consciousness or the atma of the world. This
divine force drives the macro-universe; the micro-universe is
driven by the spark of consciousness within each of us. The more
our micro-universe within and our macro-universe without are
in sync, the more we can experience physical, mental, emotional
and spiritual well-being. The ability to do this is called holistic
wellness, which will be covered in the next chapter.
The giving of gifts is a tradition that can give joy, spark
creativity and fuel wisdom. For me, receiving a matryoshka
doll from my friend in Russia sent me on a trail of thoughts
that helped me understand our identity even better. Let’s take
it further in the next chapter.
Exercise: Identity reflection
Think of how you looked when you were ten years old.
What has changed? How has your hair, face, height, weight,
etc., changed?
When you were ten years old, what was your view on life
and what were your aspirations? How have these changed
over the years?
Think of your personality traits when you were ten and
compare them with the ones you have now. How have they
changed?
Despite all these changes that have happened over the
years, are you still the same person?
Your body, your thinking, your personality, your sense of
purpose and worth change with time, but you still remain the
same person.
That ‘YOU’ remains unchanged.
Chapter summary:
• Just as the Russian doll has layers, each getting

smaller and more intricate, our identity also has
layers.
• The physical body has senses—sight, touch, smell,
taste, sound—which interact with sense objects. We
may interact with sense objects using our senses, but
we are not our senses.
• The mind interacts with the senses and is responsible
for thinking, feeling and willing, but we are not the
mind either.
• The intelligence is another subtle part of our being
which is used to discriminate how to act; it analyses
a situation. Nevertheless, the essence of our being is
not the intelligence.
• The ego represents the multiple roles and identity
labels that we have. It is even more subtle than
the mind and intelligence, and something that we
deeply identify with. However, we’re not the ego
either.
• The real self is called the atma or spiritual
consciousness. It is the final layer within the Russian
doll, which is the essence of our being.
fifteen
A Holistic Approach to Wellness
‘Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.’

—Aristotle
On my flight from Moscow back to Mumbai, as I looked down

at the clouds and the land below, I thought about the world
we live in. I peered outside my window and I thought how
everything was moving with a certain rhythm. The universe
seems to have a certain tempo by which everything moves. At
school we are taught the fundamentals—maths, science and
a range of languages. I believe that alongside these topics, it
would be great if we were to also include topics such as how to
manage our time or how to deal with our emotions, and even
more crucial aspects like holistic well-being and the rhythm of
our world. Learning these concepts can dramatically improve
our lives.
We can see evidence of the rhythm with which our
universe operates in a variety of activities around us: in the
changing of the seasons. In many parts of the world, flowers
bloom in spring, thrive in summer, dwindle in autumn and
die in winter, only to come back again the following spring.
275
Even in the things we create as humans there is an aspect of

the circle of life, e.g., watches, a Ferris wheel, etc.
One of the most interesting inventions is the compass.
It uses the magnetic field naturally present in the earth to
direct our travels. It works on the energy of the universe.
Like the compass, if we master the science of tuning into
the energies of the universe, we will learn the art of living
and prosper.
Isn’t it a fascinating concept that we all live our lives as
the main characters in our own stories? It is true that we all
have our own narratives within the larger narrative of the
universe. We are a tiny universe within a larger universe. Each
of us is receiving energy from the larger universe. An easy way
to understand this is through our circadian rhythms. They
respond primarily to the rising and setting of the sun and
affect all living beings. This light-related circadian rhythm
means that we sleep at night and are awake during the day. It
gives us an idea why, in general, we are more alert during the
morning, and we have a slump after lunch. Each cell in our
body responds to the circadian rhythm as they all have their
own natural timing devices, or biological clocks. If we can
tune in to live according to this natural rhythm of life, we can
live happier, fulfilling lives as we are in sync with the world
around us.
If our morning is in sync with the universe, the rest of
our day usually is in sync. And if our day is in sync, our night
and sleep will also be in sync. Think why is it that the birds
go to sleep when the sun sets and they wake up when the sun
rises, without fail? They are following their natural circadian
rhythm. We switch off our lights at night to follow that
A Holistic Approach to Wellness 277
universal rhythm, but the glow of artificial lights or the glare

of our smartphone screens can disturb our sleep and thus ruin
that rhythm. Our universes within cannot cope when they are
swimming against the current of the universe without. Many
issues with our mental well-being occur because we do not
live by the concept of being in sync with the outer universe;
when to do certain things and when not to do certain things.
Even the birds get confused whether it’s day or night when
they see the artificial lights around at night.
One of the easiest ways of syncing with the universe is
to start our mornings right. Just as we charge our phones so
that they last us the whole day, charging ourselves up in the
morning is what we need to fuel us for the rest of the day.
Our morning charge
Start with gratitude
Kick-start your morning with a boost of positive energy.

This happens when we consciously and realistically empower
ourselves with a positive emotion such as gratitude. This is
not about artificially trying to think of huge things that are
going right in our lives because, at times, many things may
feel like they are going the wrong way. But even if we can
spend five minutes in the morning focusing on our blessings
instead of our problems, we can start to train our minds to stay
in a state of gratitude. I recommend not making any lists of
gratitude on your phone or technology. They are more likely
to distract your mind than focus it. Use good old-fashioned
pen and paper!
Exercise:
Do this exercise first thing in the morning.

List three things you are grateful for that morning.
Remember it doesn’t have to be ‘good’ experiences;
sometimes the things that appear ‘bad’ teach us the most
meaningful lessons too.
Make a commitment to see the positive
Allow yourself to see the positive in your day ahead. Things

will go wrong during the day, there is no denying that. I
am not saying that we should not correct things that are
within our control. However, if we are of the mindset to
see the positives, we will start to accept that things that are
beyond our control are going to happen. We will accept
that they are meant to happen to us, but to teach us lessons
in life. They are part of a bigger picture and when we zoom
out of the incident, we will see they are there for our good.
Most of us have been practising seeing the negative for the
majority of our lives, which means we are experts at it. We
need to start practising seeing the positive, especially in the
mornings. It is only then can we start taking steps to good
mental well-being.
Exercise:
When you wake up in the morning, think of three things that

you are looking forward to during the day ahead and why you
are looking forward to them.
Do small things right
Try and accomplish small things in the morning that will

boost your esteem. Folding your clothes or making your
bed perfectly every morning is a small action but can lead
to a disciplined attitude. As US Navy Admiral William
McRaven says, ‘Making your bed in the morning will
reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you
can’t do the little things right, you will never be able to
do the big things right. And, by chance, if you have a
miserable day, you will come back home to a bed which
you made and the made bed gives you encouragement that
tomorrow will be better.’
Decide to help one person
Make a list of people who may need your help and choose at
least one person to help. By investing our energy in empathy,
love and kindness the first thing in the morning, we will feel
that same energy for ourselves throughout the day. Everyone
is going through a battle we know nothing about. Make a
resolution that you will try to be kind to yourself and every
person you meet. Not only will this boost your endorphins in
the morning, but it will also attract people into your life who
will wish the best for you.
These four things help condition our mindset for
positivity. Try them every day for one week and you will
experience a tangible benefit in the joy you feel during the
day. Be compassionate with yourself, however. We will have
our late nights and events we must attend. It is not easy to
become an early bird right away, but we can take baby steps to
implement these positive habits in our lives.
Let us take these principles a step further to see how they
fit into the ancient holistic model of well-being, the pyramid
of needs. This model is over 5000 years old but can have a
significant impact on our modern lives.
The pyramid of needs
This model is found in the Taittiriya Upanishad but has been

adapted by many modern philosophers, psychologists and
even economists over thousands of years. This model of needs
and identity discusses how our true self is covered by five
koshas. Kosha translated into English means sheath, covering
or layer. They wrap around our true nature with each sheath
getting closer to our true self, thus making them subtler
and harder to differentiate from the Self. Ancient wisdom
suggests that if we can understand these sheaths, we can find
peace; if we can apply them, we can find fulfilment; and if we
can transcend them, we can achieve self-realization.
The first sheath: Annamaya Kosha—the sheath of pleasure
The first kosha is annamaya kosha, which means the sheath

of pleasure. From the native Sanskrit it is literally translated
as the sheath of food. It is the most physical and visible layer
over us, our own body that is made up of the food we eat.
We have discussed this previously, but this layer is made
up of our senses, which have their foundation in the five
elements: earth, water, fire, air and space. These senses are
nourished by the food we eat, the water we drink and the air
we breathe.
There is a famous phrase, ‘You are what you eat.’ It
means that what we ingest becomes what we are. If we eat
healthy, we become healthy. Indeed, a thinker once said, ‘You
are nothing, but food rearranged.’ The phrase ‘You are what
you eat’ came from the 1826 work Physiologie du Gout, ou
Meditations de Gastronomie Transcendante, by French author
Anthelme Brillat-Savarin who wrote: ‘Tell me what you eat
and I will tell you what you are.’
Though many spiritualists tend to ignore this outer layer
of our identity, it should be cared for as much as the other
layers that are within. For example, when driving a car, not
only does the driver need to be cared for through a proper
meal and rest so that he or she can be alert, but we also need
to take care of our car.
Both the driver and the car have different needs. It is
very important that we address both. The car needs the right
servicing—the oil needs to be correct, the windscreen wipers
need to work and it needs the right amount of fuel—to help
us reach our destination. Yet, at the same time, we recognize
that we are not the car itself. We are the driver within.
Our bodies need the proper nourishment and care. We
need nutritious food, sound sleep and regular exercise to keep
the annamaya kosha healthy. The ancient literatures say that
each of the five aspects of this kosha need to be nourished in
specific ways.
The element of earth is present in the form of the foods
we eat and the things we see; everything that is manifest in
creation has the element of earth. This concept is easiest to
understand through what we eat, however. Eating the right

foods is vital to keeping us healthy. The ancient literatures
suggest that we have a compassion-based diet, full of fruits,
vegetables, beans, lentils, etc. Not only does this keep us
energized, but it also has a subtle effect on our mind, keeping
it focused too. The easiest way to understand this is through
beer. Drinking too much alcohol might physically give us
a pot belly, but it also can cloud our mental judgement by
inebriating us. Similarly, other foods can have different effects
on both our physical and mental states too. Every morning
when I wake up, I say a prayer of gratitude to the Earth
that has provided everything we need to eat and drink for
our health.
samudra vasane devi

parvata stana maṇdale
viṣṇu-patni namas tubhyaṁ
pāda sparśaṁ kṣamasva me
This translates to seeking forgiveness from the Earth for

touching our feet on her even though she gives us so much.
Science has also found that walking barefoot on any natural
surface such as soil, sand or grass has a lot of benefits for our
well-being. As we have discussed, the Earth has its own natural
energy. When we are in direct contact with it, our health
improves. A study published in the Journal of Environmental
and Public Health found that by walking barefoot, we are
drawing electrons from the Earth that can help us with
chronic pain, skin conductivity, improved glucose regulation
and reduced stress, and support our immune systems.1
Another study in the Journal of Alternative and

Complementary Medicine states that walking barefoot on the
natural ground increases the surface charge of our red blood
cells.2 This means that our red blood cells are less likely to
clump together, reducing the risk of heart disease as our blood
‘flows better’. Many people take an aspirin tablet every day
for the exact same reason: to help their blood become thinner
and thus reduce the risk of heart disease. Therefore, we need
to be in touch with the Earth to nourish our annamaya kosha.
Water is the second element. The importance of water in
our lives is pretty self-explanatory.
We should drink around 2.5 to 3.5 litres of water a day to
replace net water loss, but studies find that most people do not
drink nearly that amount. Water physically hydrates us; not
drinking enough means that we go through our day dehydrated,
which can lead to physical and mental health issues. On the
outside, even the sight, touch or sound of water can calm the
mind. Having a shower can make us feel rejuvenated. Listening
to the sound of a babbling brook can give us peace. Or watching
the waves in the ocean can instil a sense of calm within us. Water
is an important element to nourish our sheath of pleasure.
Fire is the third element that we must nourish. It provides
heat to give us warmth when we are cold, aids our digestion
and boosts our mental well-being. There are risks of getting
exposed to too much sunlight, but there are notable benefits
too. An increase in vitamin D, improved mood and higher
quality sleep are some of the benefits of being in the sun.
There is evidence that as little as five to fifteen minutes of
sunlight a few times a week can supply us with the vitamin D
our bodies need. Science also shows that those who do not get
enough sunlight, especially in winter months and in countries

that have shorter days, can suffer from Seasonal Affective
Disorder (SAD), anxiety and depression as they miss out on
the serotonin the sun provides.
The fourth element is air. We will elaborate on this
aspect of our being in the next layer in the form of breath
work meditation, but the simple act of breathing in fresh air
can work wonders to help us feel balanced and better about
ourselves. Fresher air contains more oxygen and the more
oxygen we breathe in, the happier we feel, as our body releases
more serotonin. There is also evidence to show that fresh air
helps with our digestion, lowering our blood pressure and
strengthening our immune system.
The final element is that of space. This is related to
how different sounds can heal us. Sound is one of the most
powerful forces in the world. Scientists have found that sound
healing therapy can use music to improve our emotional and
even physical well-being. This can be something as simple as
listening or singing along to music, to guided meditations or
neurological music therapy, a method designed to help people
become less anxious and reduce post-operative pain.
Although these five elements of the annamaya kosha need
attention, its deeper aspect is related to any other form of
nourishment that our body needs. It is interesting to note that
within each sheath there are subtle layers. For example, look
at the door nearest to you. That door is made up of wood, that
wood is made up of fibres, those fibres are made up of billions
of atoms; each layer becomes progressively more subtle. In the
same way, when annamaya kosha becomes subtler, beyond
just the needs of the five elements, it also includes all those
things that give comfort to our body to help it find pleasure,

relax and recover.
When we neglect the needs of our annamaya kosha, our
minds can become disturbed. When we are hungry or thirsty,
when we do not get proper food, when we are in extreme or
austere conditions, we tend to become agitated and irritable.
Therefore, it is important that although we are not the body,
we care for it, knowing that it’s the vehicle that can help us
with our purpose in life.
Exercise:
Annamaya kosha log
Day Sleep (write Have you How many Have you Have you Have you
down the eaten your litres of had some had any spent time
hours) fruits, veg, water have connection exposure to on guided
lentils? you had? with Mother sunlight? sound
Nature meditation?
today?
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
The second sheath: Pranamaya Kosha—the sheath of energy
Underneath the annamaya kosha is the second layer called the

pranamaya kosha. Ancient wisdom explains that this is the
energy sheath or the sheath of life forces. It is responsible for

blood flowing through our veins, oxygen being assimilated in
the blood and the food we eat being converted into the energy
that sustains us. This sheath keeps our body functioning and
maintains it by giving it the energy that it requires. Prana is
like a tide surging within the body. It makes us go through
the experience of breathing, hunger, thirst, good health or the
lack of it. Our health is dictated by the quality of our prana.
In fact, holistic medicines act less on the body and more on
the pranamaya kosha.
The ancient literatures talk about the five primary life
airs circulating within the body called prana vayus. They give
our entire body the strength and the energy to function both
externally and internally. This energy, called prana in India, is
known in the ancient Chinese system of medicine as chi and in
Japanese as ki. When people are fatigued, anxious or stressed for
no apparent reason, it is believed that their prana is imbalanced.
When our prana is strong, it can give us energy and strength;
but if it is weak, it can make us feel stagnant and also make us ill.
Prana is affected by many things. Not eating correctly,
a lack of fresh drinking water and a lack of sleep can reduce
the strength of our prana. Subtle things like a lack of loving
relationships, social interaction and a lack of the right kind of
mental activity can also affect our prana.
When we are fatigued, overworked or feeling under the
weather, this could be a sign of a disturbed pranamaya kosha.
This can also affect our mental well-being. Doesn’t our mind
feel disturbed when we are weak, tired, chronically fatigued
and exhausted? There are many ways to help balance this
sheath of energy that is vital to our health.
The ancient Chinese understanding of prana, called chi,

includes a series of exercises and breathing techniques that
can improve our posture, circulation, balance and muscle
tone. This is called tai chi. It teaches self-discipline and
opens up blockages in our life airs. Yoga can also help do
the same. Although tai chi and yoga both help balance our
prana, they are different in their approach. Tai chi is about
fluid movements whereas yoga is about holding postures for
a prolonged time and thus becoming aware of the blockages
within us. In yoga, holding a pose helps prana accumulate,
creating an artificial ‘blockage’. Releasing from that pose
clears the blockage and allows our life airs to flow freely.
Different poses have different effects on our prana and
prevent blockages over time.
Another popular way of improving the circulation of our
life airs is through pranayama or conscious breathing. This
balances our energies to give us instant relief. The exercise
below can help you feel the immediate effects of pranayama.
By being conscious of our breath, we are able to tune into
our prana. As we breathe in, we are not just breathing in air
but also prana, which are both circulated around the body.
That is why deep breaths help us when we are under stress
as they attempt to restore the pranamaya kosha. Focusing on
our breath through pranayama is a form of meditation that
can help our prana keep flowing to avoid blockages. A final
thought about how we can physically restore our pranamaya
kosha is through the amount of sleep we get. Good quality
sleep directly restores our pranamaya kosha. Getting a
minimum of six to eight hours of sleep a night is crucial to
keep our prana circulating without concern.
Our pranamaya kosha is also affected by the more subtle

aspects of life. As we move from being teenagers to adults, we
must remember that life is not a race to win, but a journey to
evolve and experience. Our energy sheath can be disturbed
by emotions such as fear, insecurity and the competition to
win the rat race. The more we feel secure in our income, in
adequate facilities where we live and in our opportunities for
growth, the stronger our pranamaya kosha will be. The people
we surround ourselves with also makes a huge difference. The
more we surround ourselves with people who want us to grow
and prosper, who support us and who are rooting for us, rather
than those who are envious, insecure, trying to pull us down
and always competing against us, the more our energy sheath
will feel nourished and therefore our mind will feel peaceful.
The pranamaya kosha and the annamaya kosha are closely
related. It is the energy that we have from the pranamaya
kosha that helps us enjoy the pursuit of our pleasure from
our annamaya kosha. For example, imagine you are at a
romantic beachside restaurant with your partner and the chef
is preparing the freshest, most authentic Italian pizza for you.
If you are feeling ill or are under a lot of stress, will you enjoy
that experience? It is doubtful.
Annamaya is the tool to get pleasure—the body—and
pranamaya is the energy to empower the body to get that
pleasure.
Exercise: Alternate nostril breathing
Alternate nostril breathing, also known as anulom-vilom

pranayama, can help us physically by enhancing the quality
of our breathing and blood circulation and psychologically by

calming our mind.
Although this breathing technique is safe, it’s
recommended that one learns it from and practises it under
the guidance of an authorized yoga teacher.
Practise it on an empty stomach, three to four hours after
you have taken any meal.
• Choose a quiet, comfortable space and sit with your spine

and neck erect and eyes closed. You may sit on the floor
cross-legged or on a chair if you have trouble sitting on
the floor.
• Rest your left wrist on your left knee.
• Fold the middle and index fingers of your right hand
towards its thumb as if to touch it. Now gently place the
thumb on your right nostril and the ring finger above
your left nostril.
• Close the right nostril with your thumb and inhale gently
and deeply through your left nostril, until your lungs are full.
• Now, release your thumb, close your left nostril with your
ring finger and exhale slowly through the right nostril.
• After this, do the exact same thing in a reverse manner,
now inhaling through the right nostril and exhaling
through the left.
• With every repetition, make sure that you stay focused
and are conscious and aware of your breathing.
Initially, start this practice based on your comfort level for

as long as you can and slowly increase the duration and
repetitions.
The third sheath: Manomaya Kosha—the sheath of emotions
The third sheath is called manomaya kosha or the sheath of

emotions. It literally translates to the ‘sheath of the mind’.
It is within this sheath of the mind that we have thoughts,
emotions and feelings, and where our memories are stored.
Our deep nature is to love and be loved. Getting the
opportunity to do both keeps us emotionally healthy and
we certainly need both to be healthy. A positive and loving
childhood is where we experience a lot of love from our
parents and siblings. This affection, through deep and stable
relationships in our family, is the foundation of a balanced
manomaya kosha. On the contrary, those who have had a
negative childhood, through abuse, a broken home or unstable
relationships, could be more vulnerable to a disturbed sheath
of emotions that will have long-term consequences on their
mental well-being.
This does not mean we cannot heal if we experienced
trauma in our childhood. We can still begin to heal our
sheath of emotions. Previously, we discussed the validity
of counselling and therapy. It is okay to seek help when
necessary. Other methods of healing are through finding love
through fruitful relationships. This is powerful, as a stable,
loving relationship can put our mind at ease. That is why so
many people have pets—the unconditional love from a pet is
an attempt to experience the love that heals our manomaya
kosha.
Another aspect of this book that comes back into play
now is self-love. This is different from self-obsession and goes
beyond our bodies, looks, minds, abilities and talents. Self-
love is about appreciating ourselves and accepting ourselves

the way we are. It means to pardon ourselves for the mistakes
we may have made and to even pamper ourselves with a
healthy indulgence. It is to act for our own welfare. Imagine
the person we love the most. Would we not want these things
for them? We would want them to not feel the burden of
their mistakes, accept their physical features and even treat
themselves to the things that they love. We need to get into
the habit of doing the same for ourselves. That is self-love.
People who try to love others without loving themselves have
an imbalanced manomaya kosha and are frequently disturbed
as they lack self-worth and self-esteem. They are experiencing
a phenomenon called compassion fatigue and need to swing the
pendulum back to restore their sheath of emotions through
self-love.
The manomaya sheath is used to experience emotions in
the pursuit of pleasure. The damage of this sheath is the most
prominent reason for a disturbed mind. It is the true self that
experiences a situation, but it is through the platform of the
manomaya kosha.
Exercise: An assessment on self-love
Write down three things that you love about yourself and why
you love these about yourself.
What makes you feel the most loved?
How much time are you spending on the things that
make you feel the most loved?
How can you increase the time you spend on these things?
How are you giving love to others?
The fourth sheath: Vijnanamaya Kosha—the sheath of

wisdom
As we move deeper into the different layers of our being,

things get more subtle. The vijnanamaya kosha is literally
translated as the ‘sheath of intelligence’. The intelligence has
three functions: to decipher or understand, to discriminate
between right and wrong, and to decide the next steps to
take. As soon as we are born, our intelligence starts acting to
acquire the knowledge required to survive in this world.
We begin with basic knowledge, such as where we can
find food, who likes us and who does not like us. We then start
to pick up language from our parents and family members as
we learn how to crawl, walk and run. We even learn how to
ride a bike! As we grow, we start to undergo formal academic
training at school or university. We continue our learning
when we start working. There is a huge industry for seminars,
conferences and continued professional development.
However, there is knowledge that is more ‘fun’ and
‘casual’. I remember visiting a university in the UK where a
lady was handing out leaflets for students to join the ‘Harry
Potter Discussion Club’. This was a place to learn all about
Harry Potter and his wizarding friends. They would dress
up in capes and carry broomsticks and discuss the theories
of the magical world. Then there is knowledge about the
world around us. We may want to know the truth behind
what is happening in the world. Political knowledge,
business knowledge and current affairs grip us as there are
multiple sources to discover the intricacies about the state
of our planet.
Another way our intelligence is gathering knowledge is by

trying to gain more information about another person before
committing ourselves to a relationship. We have to discriminate
if that person is compatible with us: whether they will be a good
life partner, will remain a friend or be a negative influence in our
lives. It is intelligence that discerns between the three options.
Finally, there is existential knowledge. Where do we
come from? What is the purpose of life? Who am I? How
was the world created? These types of questions are about life
itself. As humans, we want a reason for the existence of life
and the purpose of our being. This delves into the world of
spirituality and faith.
We live in a world full of information. My spiritual
teacher, HH Radhanath Swami, repeatedly says that we live
in a world of ‘mass distraction’. We seem to have too much
information now at our fingertips that is hard to sift through.
This makes it difficult to make a decision as our intelligence
cannot cope with this bombardment of information. This is
known as ‘infobesity’ or ‘infoxication’ or ‘information anxiety’.
When information is distilled, it becomes knowledge;
when knowledge is applied, it becomes experience; when
experience becomes the guiding force behind our choices,
it becomes maturity and when maturity ripens with years of
practice, it becomes wisdom. It is wisdom—our own or from
other sources we trust—that should be the basis of the choices
we make in our life.
Things that make our wisdom sheath weaker and, at the
same time, may be symptoms of a weak wisdom sheath are
confusion, the inability to make proper decisions, speculation,
laziness and a lack of either motivation or a proper value system.
We can strengthen our wisdom sheath in three different

ways: Firstly, by reading the wisdom literatures that create
focus within us and which help direct our intelligence
into action. Regularly reading from these literatures and
reinforcing our intelligence with this guidance can help us
deal with our real-life situations. A simplistic example takes
us back to the cake. If we are reading about the dangers of
heart disease and eating too much sugar, and if we are well-
informed about matters of nutritious food, we are more likely
to walk past the cake shop and buy an apple instead. This is
where our knowledge becomes action.
Secondly, listening to wise guides, mentors and gurus who
have wisdom is imperative for us to protect our intelligence.
They can give the practical application of the wisdom
literatures that we may not be able to grasp. Such mentors
who are impartial, mature and can take a step back to look at
our lives are crucial for our success. We need this guidance to
solidify our wisdom sheath.
Finally, our own experiences in life can be a big teacher to
leave imprints on our intelligence of what is correct and what
is incorrect. A common story that explains this topic well is
that of the billionaire’s answer to the reason for his success.
At a press conference, a journalist asked a billionaire about
the secret of his success. He answered, ‘Two words: right
decisions.’ The journalist retorted, asking how those right
decisions are made. He answered, ‘One word: experience.’
The journalist then asked him how that experience is
developed, and he replied, ‘Two words: wrong decisions.’ Life
is a powerful teacher, but we should be careful as she can also
be a cruel mistress. Regular consultation with our mentors
and the wisdom literatures can make sure that the lessons we
think we are learning from anything life throws at us are in
alignment with universal values.
It is the vijnanamaya kosha or the intelligence that is used
to discriminate between good and bad, right and wrong, to
make decisions in our pursuit of pleasure.
Exercise:
How much time per day do you devote for:
• Reading books that add value to your life?

• Watching/listening to uplifting content?
• Interacting with wise and mature individuals whose
experience can teach you what no books can?
How do you think you can increase the time you spend doing
one/all of these?
What will you do to maximize what you gain from these?
The fifth sheath: Anandamaya Kosha—the sheath of bliss
The final sheath that covers our true identity or atma is the
sheath of bliss. This goes beyond the pleasure that is derived
from sense objects. Ancient wisdom explains that we have
four states of existence:
1. Jagrati: This is our waking state. In this state, both our

mind and senses are active and all koshas are alert. To
understand this, imagine your body is a smartphone. In
the jagrati state, your phone would be working to its

maximum capacity; in full battery mode, with the Wi-Fi
connected and Bluetooth ready to pair.
2. Svapna: This is our dream state; the senses are inactive,
but the mind is active. One experiences dreams in this
state. We have our phone in airplane mode so no one
disturbs us. This is when the annamaya kosha is inactive.
3. Shushupti: This is our deep sleep state where both the
senses and mind are inactive. There are no dreams during
this deep sleep experience. In fact, the first four koshas
or sheaths of our being are inactive. This is analogous
to our cell phone being turned off. This is something
that people rarely experience. It is the freedom from any
physical pleasures or pains, thoughts, feelings or emotions
and intellectual analysis. We are totally ‘turned off’ with
only our anandamaya kosha still active. This complete
disconnection from the outside world leads to a state of
deep, complete relaxation. Most of us struggle to achieve
this state today. One activity to try to get you into this
state is during yoga nidraa or sound baths where the
mind stops. This yoga practice and experience is created
consciously to promote our experiencing this state of our
being by disconnecting us from the world. It is hard to
explain in writing, but a powerful experience.
We will come to the fourth state of existence, but this state

of anandamaya kosha is balanced and realized through
meditation. Meditation can take us closest to ourselves
where we feel as if we are in a state of nothingness. This is
an extremely powerful experience of peace, but it should be
noted that we are still not connected to ourselves. This is still

a covering of our true identity, but it’s so close that it feels
satisfying. We are still one small matryoshka doll away from
our true identity. It is likened to a surgeon’s innermost glove.
It is so thin that it feels as if it is their actual hand, but it is
not. The glove is not the hand. Many spiritual paths choose
to end there as this ‘shutting off’ and ‘feeling nothing’ is such
a powerful experience that it becomes addictive. But we have
to dive deeper to experience the fourth state of reality, our
true self.
This state beyond wakefulness, dream and deep sleep, is
called Turiya. It is synonymous to a samadhi, a liberated state
or freedom where we realize the true identity of our own atma.
This spark that drives our entire being is fully understood at
this point and we disconnect from anything material, and
achieve the state of moksha or liberation. This is a totally
spiritual state, but it does not end there.
Exercise:
Take out a minimum of ten minutes a day in the morning to

practise meditation.
Write down how you feel after your meditation practice
and assess your level of absorption and connection.
Ancient wisdom says that Turiya-atita is one step higher.

Here the Self is disconnected from matter, but also in touch
with the supreme being, the paramatma. This connection
with our own self and a connection with the Divine is the
absolute state of awareness. It is the spark being connected
to the fire, the light bulb being connected with the electricity
generator or the drop being connected to the ocean. It is a state
where all our koshas are balanced and satisfied, and is also the
highest state of spiritual experience as we are connected to the
Supreme. It is a state where our joy endures timelessly. Many
ancient books have explained this state in detail. It is beyond
the scope of this book, but something I plan to write about in
future. However, before we get to this lofty platform, we must
understand that we need to live holistically on this planet by
balancing our koshas. This can create a sense of true mental
well-being for us in the here and now.
Balancing the koshas
There are five different koshas or sheaths that we discovered in

this chapter. The first layer was annamaya kosha or our body
that wants to experience pleasure from the senses. The second
was pranamaya kosha or the energy that drives the body to
experience pleasure. The third was the manomaya kosha
or the sheath of the emotions that is experienced from the

mind itself. It is where our thoughts, feelings and memories
are stored. One step deeper is the vijnanamaya kosha or
the sheath of wisdom. This is our intellect that informs the
rest of the layers about right and wrong; it discriminates,
understands and thinks about the next steps to take. And the
final layer is the anandamaya kosha or the sheath of bliss that
disconnects us from the senses, mind and even intelligence,
and gives a state of bliss in nothingness. This deep state can
be achieved through practices such as meditation, yoga nidraa
and in sound baths.
For holistic wellness, we need to address the needs for
each of these koshas in a balanced way. Balance is a dynamic
principle. It is a concept difficult to understand, but necessary
for a healthy life. It is like walking a tightrope with a bamboo
stick to balance us. When we lose balance, one side of the
bamboo tilts over so we understand that we need to tilt it to
the other side so we can regain our composure. However, we
cannot specifically define how much we need to tilt it over.
We cannot say that at three feet from the start of the rope, the
walker has to tilt the bamboo thirteen degrees to the right to
make it safely across. You could calculate it mathematically,
but that isn’t how life works. There are so many intricacies to
it that we can only apply the principles of balance. Life is such
that at every point during this tightrope walk one kosha may
need more attention than the other. In doing so, sometimes,
something else may get neglected. For example, sometimes our
annamaya kosha for physical comfort may need more priority
than our vijnanamaya kosha or intellectual understanding.
Sometimes our manomaya kosha or our mental well-being
may need more priority than our pranamaya kosha. Although

they are all related, we must accept that just as a tightrope
walker tilts to the left and right, but keeps on walking, we will
also have moments of imbalance that affect our well-being.
But we must keep on walking forward. These five koshas are
there for us to understand and utilize for our holistic well-
being. We dipped our toes in the water of what is beyond
those five koshas in the pursuit of peace and joy, but I strongly
believe that if we can first master balancing these five koshas,
the mental state of humanity would be uplifted.
As I landed in Mumbai from Russia, thinking about these
states and holding these dolls, I walked off the plane feeling
invigorated. I knew that I had to write about this topic as it
has changed my life completely. As a monk, I have the luxury
of thinking and researching these topics. However, I make it
my duty to share it for the betterment of the world. Feeling
the humid Mumbai air hit my face again as I walked into
Arrivals, I saw a friend whom I had not seen in a long time.
She was sliding along the floor of Arrivals and attracting
a huge crowd around her. She spoke with such conviction
and there was an evenness in her voice. I felt that she did
not have to deal with her mental well-being as I had to. She
was beyond the koshas, beyond guilt and beyond envy, and
beyond anxiety and depression. I was impressed with her and
felt oddly jealous that she did not have to cope with all these
emotions. However, I then realized that the beauty of life is in
the journey of discovery. It is discovering how to deal with our
emotions and how to enrich our lives by helping others deal
with their own. It is discovering and accepting that we have
flaws, and we all struggle with different things, but there is
always hope. The hope to do better and the hope that there is
always a way forward. And finally, I pitied her as she did not
have the opportunity to feel like you and me.
She was Sophia.
Chapter summary
• Everything in the world is bound by a certain

rhythm. It is important to tune into these natural
circadian rhythms that the universe provides so
that we can thrive. Getting our morning right to
sync with these natural circadian rhythms occurs
by starting with gratitude, making a commitment
to see the positive, doing small things right and
deciding to help others.
• The pyramid of needs is an ancient model of identity
that can help us understand the Self. It explains that
the Self is covered by five koshas or sheaths that
wrap around our true nature.
• If we can understand these sheaths, we can find
peace; if we can apply them, we can find fulfilment;
and if we can transcend them, we can achieve self-
realization.
• The first kosha is annamaya kosha, the sheath of
pleasure. It is the visible layer over our true Self,
our own body that is made up of the food we eat.
This layer is made up of our senses, which have
their foundation in the five elements: earth, water,
fire, air and space. These senses are nourished by

the food we eat, the water we drink and the air we
breathe.
• The second kosha is the pranamaya kosha. It is the
sheath of energy or life forces. It helps with the
experience of breathing, hunger, thirst, good health
or the lack of it. The pranamaya kosha empowers
the body to gain energy to seek pleasure.
• The third kosha, the manomaya kosha, is the sheath
of emotions and literally translates to the ‘sheath
of the mind’. It is within this sheath that we have
thoughts, emotions and feelings.
• The fourth kosha is the vijnanamaya kosha, the
sheath of intelligence. The intelligence has three
functions: to decipher or understand, to discriminate
between right and wrong, and to decide the next
steps to take. It is within this sheath that we start
acquiring knowledge and understanding which
actions to take and not to take.
• The fifth kosha is the anandamaya kosha, the
sheath of bliss. This is a state of pleasure that goes
beyond the body, mind and intelligence, but is still a
covering over the true Self.
• The state of turiya and turiya-atita are truly spiritual
states beyond matter. That is where the atma or true
Self is realized.
• We must balance the different sheaths that cover us
while at the same time aim to discover our true Self.
Acknowledgements
I offer my heartfelt respect and gratitude to His Divine Grace

A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada, my grand
spiritual master, and Radhanath Swami, my spiritual master.
Their teachings, wisdom, and life have, and will always be,
the inspiration behind everything I do.
My endless gratitude to Govinda Das for his friendship,
mentorship and continual support in all my endeavours. Even
the most casual interactions with him have always enriched
my understanding of life.
Thank you to Radha Gopinath Das, Shyamananda Das,
Sanat Kumar Das, Late Sruti Dharma Das, Pranabandhu
Das, Gauranga Das, Siksastakam Das, Vraj Vihari Das,
Shubha Vilas Das for their continued encouragement.
My gratitude to all my friends in our ashram and the
community members of the Radha Gopinath Temple,
Mumbai, my spiritual shelter and my place of residence.
Thanks to all my friends and the community members of
Bhaktivedanta Manor, London, my second home.
Huge thanks to Dr Vinay Raniga, who, beyond being an
accomplished dentist in London, is also an expert writer and
303
304 Acknowledgements
editor. This book would not have been possible without his
immense help and tireless efforts.
Huge thanks to Dr Bhavik Patel from London for all his
help with the practical exercises and his continued support in
everything I do.
A big thank you to Shyamgopal Shroff for all the logistical
help required to get this book done and for his tireless hard
work in my efforts to serve all of you.
Thanks to Kush Boradia for designing this book’s graphics
and artwork.
Gratitude to everyone at Penguin Random House India
for their support in publishing this book. A special thanks
to Vaishali Mathur for her expert help in seeing the book to
completion and Ralph Rebello for the expert copy-editing.
Thanks to Gunjan Ahlawat for the cover page design.
Thank you to my loving parents, family, friends and well-
wishers for their love, prayers and blessings.
My sincerest gratitude to all our online and offline
followers, whose continued encouragement and support
inspire me to keep going in my work.
My heartfelt thanks to all the readers of our first book,
Life’s Amazing Secrets, for making it such a huge success. I
can’t thank you all enough for your love.
And finally, a massive thank you to you, who have chosen
to read this book. My humble wishes and prayers are that the
principles shared here may help you energize your mind and
transform the way you live.
Notes
Introduction
1. https://fullfact.org/health/mental-health-spending-england/
Chapter 1: You Are Not Sophia: How to Feel, Deal and Heal Our
Emotions
1. https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-emotions
Chapter 2: Stuck in Economy—Dealing with the Fear of Missing Out

1. https://www.statista.com/statistics/272014/global-social-networks-
ranked-by-number-of-users/
2. https://www.addictioncenter.com/drugs/social-media-addiction/
3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3032992/
4. https://www.oecd.org/els/health-systems/Children-and-Young-
People-Mental-Health-in-the-Digital-Age.pdf
5. https://www.gla.ac.uk/news/headline_787680_en.html
6. https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/04
/2013_PrzybylskiMurayamaDeHaanGladwell_CIHB.pdf
7. https://www.rsph.org.uk/static/uploaded/d125b27c-0b62-41c5-
a2c0155a8887cd01.pdf
8. https://www.pnas.org/content/118/4/e2016976118
Chapter 3: Joshua Slips Away—Dealing with Mental Chatter

1. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1087054720961828
Chapter 4: Jumping at 18,000 Ft: Dealing with Anxiety

1. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/anxiety-disorders/what-
are-anxiety-disorders
2. https://uspa.org/Discover/FAQs/Safety
305
306 Notes
3. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/xge-a0035325.pdf
4. https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/m/men-and-mental-health
Chapter 5: The Bird’s Nest—Dealing with Depression

1. https://www.who.int/news/item/28-09-2001-the-world-health-
report-2001-mental-disorders-affect-one-in-four-people
2. https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/affirmations.htm
3. Ibid.
Chapter 6: The Last Wish in a Pen Drive: Dealing with Guilt

1. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-40260169
Chapter 7: An Unexpected Humiliation: Dealing with Toxic Behaviour

1. https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-deal-with-toxic-people
2. https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no#why-its-hard
Chapter 8: A Memory Hard to Delete: Dealing with Old Memories

1. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/sleep-facts-
statistics
2. https://qbi.uq.edu.au/brain-basics/memory/how-are-memories-
formed
3. Ibid.
Chapter 11: When Sandals Meet Yeezys: Developing Empathy

1. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0011000014545091
Chapter 12: Learning From ‘Virus’: Developing Sensitive Communication

1. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/38027140_Do_words_
hurt_Brain_activation_during_the_processing_of_pain-related_words
2. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9560177/
3. https://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-
break/420/
Chapter 14: We Are a Universe within a Universe

1. https://www.macrotrends.net/cities/22299/moscow/population
#:~:text=The%20current%20metro%20area%20population,a%20
0.5%25%20increase%20from%202019.
Chapter 15: A Holistic Approach to Wellness

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3265077/
2. Ibid.

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ENERGIZE YOUR MIND

Gaur Gopal Das studied electrical engineering at the College of

Life’s Amazing Secrets

Gaur Gopal Das

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information

Originally published in 2023 in India by Penguin Ananda, an imprint of Penguin

Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the Library of Congress.

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

section 1: me and my mind

1. You Are Not Sophia: How to Feel, Deal and

section 2: others and my mind

7. An Unexpected Humiliation: Dealing with

9. A Whisper in My Ear: Dealing with Criticism 164

section 3: me and the mind of others

11. When Sandals Meet Yeezys: Developing

section 4: the universe and my mind

14. We Are a Universe within a Universe 263

As a monk, my goal is to help the people I meet in their

that cruising at 22 knots was reckless when navigating an ice

In the same way, in our life, we may blame the ‘external

1. Identifying icebergs—what external influences in our

This book is split into four sections to help us understand

we can protect the mental health of others by being sensitive

deeply self-aware, but evangelizing can lead to unrealistic

You Are Not Sophia: How to Feel, Deal and

‘I’m not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I

Sometimes, to really help people understand your point, you

be presented as lofty ideals unachievable by the average Joe.

if I would like to meet Sophia before she took to the stage. I

dressed in a pink blouse and black skirt. Both of us had one

to engage with. Again, I want to reiterate that Sophia is a

The first step to dealing effectively with our emotions is to

not allow me to speak openly and she criticizes little things,’

Go beyond the obvious to identify exactly what you’re feeling.

Angry Sad Anxious Hurt Embarrassed Happy

Dealing with our emotions after we have correctly identified

a problem. The student expanded the current hole to four

Many times, we may leave a situation understanding our

only to realize that there are some long-term effects. Just as

This story is not to say that forgiveness cannot heal, but it

Feel, Deal and Heal—Reflection Exercise

Try this exercise once a week for a month and thereafter

Don’t rush the process: we are all different

Our emotions arise from the mind, which is a subtle,

mind. However, it is uncommon to learn these principles for

Around 80 per cent of our body’s daily energy requirements

different mental capacities and should not feel inferior if

• We are humans, not humanoids like Sophia. As

• We can master our emotions through feel, deal and

Stuck in Economy: Dealing with the

‘Do not fear missing out at the expense of missing Now.’

What do New York, London and Mumbai have in common?

we guarantee take-off!’ I looked at her perplexed, trying to

one-more-episode. At this point, I desperately needed the

Having comfort is not bad. It certainly adds value to

As a rule, man is a fool.

The mind always wants to protect us. It sees what is missing

The exponential growth of social media over the last decade

example of how social media can be addictive and it’s just a

internalize beliefs of being unloved if they do not get some

Exercise: Monitoring your social media usage

Record your social media usage by filling the following log.

Logging your use is the first step in reducing time spent

9. A Whisper in My Ear: Dealing with Criticism 164

14. We Are a Universe within a Universe 263