Sir David Attenborough Deep in the savannah, the lioness waits. If her cubs don’t eat, they will soon die. But then, movement. Is it an impala? Or a crocodile? Cautiously, the desperate mother moves forward
Dame Judi Dench Sir David, is everything ok?
Attenborough Sorry, yes. Thought I was in the Notes app. My apologies, Dame Judi
Dench Thank you. Welcome everyone to the National Treasures Executive WhatsApp group. As you know, we are here to discuss expulsions and admissions
David Beckham Wicked
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Dench That’s quite enough, David. As you all know, we’ve had a tricky year. We’ve already lost Phillip Schofield and Huw Edwards
Sir Cliff Richard I’m still here though!
Dench Yes you are, Cliff, and you’re a living doll. But we owe it to the country to consider any further expulsions seriously. We must also continue our search for new national treasures. None of us is getting any younger
Attenborough She picks up the scent and moves warily towards the water. Her cubs — weak with hunger — watch and wait
Dench Sir David!
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Sir Michael Palin What about Michael McIntyre? He’s a jolly nice chap
Dench You suggest him every month and you get the same answer. Not yet
Palin But can’t we at least send him on the Treasures Awareness Course? He’s so close. He just needs to do one serious documentary about a family tragedy or getting caned at boarding school or having an upsetting genetic disorder and he’ll be ready
Stephen Fry He’s not ready
Attenborough What about Sir Patrick Moore?
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John Cleese Ee’s kicked the bucket, ee’s shuffled off this mortal coil
Attenborough But he was my age
Beckham What about my son, the renowned chef Brooklyn Beckham? He’s got millions of followers
Dame Mary Berry What about Bob Mortimer? He’s ever so funny on Would I Lie to You? And ever so poignant on the fishing one
Dench An admirable suggestion. Any objections, speak now …
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Dench Super. Bob Mortimer is admitted. Ian, will you send him the golden Jerusalem artichoke and I’ll arrange the cutting of the cucumber sandwich
Sir Ian McKellen Yes, your majesty
Dench Just Dame Judi is fine. Now, on to less pleasant business. What to do about Monty Don?
Palin He must go. You can’t say what you think like that. It’s the Chelsea Flower Show, for goodness sake
Beckham I agree. It was shocking. I really liked Ula Maria’s garden and the way she took inspiration from Japan’s ancient forest-bathing philosophy. Why should Monty Don be the arbiter of all things gardening?
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McKellen Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you stock-fish, you golden golden balls. Monty Don is the arbiter of all things gardening. That’s why he’s a national treasure. That and his sad dog
Miriam Margolyes F***’s sake. He’s great. We should all speak our mind more often.
Dench Are you sure you aren’t just saying that because you swore on the Today programme, Miriam?
Margolyes It’s beside the point. I like Monty and his baggy trousers. And he’s right … those gardens were ridiculous
Dench Okay, well let’s vote. Aubergine emojis, he stays, turd emojis he goes
Attenborough The mother’s luck has changed at last. The flamingo never saw her coming. Tonight, her cubs will feast
