1 You spend the day trying to calculate if you could make a go of self-sufficiency on a smallholding in Auvergne.
2 Slipping under the desk in anticipation of adopting the foetal position you find that it is hellishly crowded down there and you have to try the stock cupboard instead.
3 Your boss is nicknamed “the Swede” because of his charisma, leadership and strategic prowess.
4 Donald Trump calls to say that he has heard amazing things about the people you have impaled on your stilettos while clambering over them to the position of middle-ranking executive bitch and he wants you on the next series of The Apprentice.
5 Relations with the person at the next desk are so frosty that you are known in the office as Tony and Gordon.
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6 A colleague accidentally sends you an e-mail intended for someone else. It is an application to have an ASBO slapped on you.
7 A fight breaks out at the water cooler over whether the head of personnel is a t***** or a f****** t*****.
8 When you ask to see the boss his secretary says that is no problem and pencils you in the diary for February 2006.
9 Comfort eating reaches epidemic proportions and a man has to be employed full-time to keep the vending machine stocked.
10 You make inquiries with payroll about why your salary hasn’t been paid this month. There is a painful silence. While you were in Cornwall your employment was terminated “by mutual consent” but no one remembered to tell you.