- DM to the plasmoid

I HATE gendered clothing

Why the FUCK you need a outfit code to triangulate the layout of my nethers, motherfucker?

You got too much damn time on your mind hands

Some of us busy with important things like hobbies and friends and family and jobs and having a life outside of wondering about strangers in-betweens

Rolling around the Penrose Triangle

are we there yet

Frodo Lordoftherings and Fiver Watershipdown have the same gender to me. the gender is "tormented psychic purse dog"

Pip c’mere hold still

Measuring you up for your honorary doctorate

‘The Company of the Ring shall be More Than Four; and the More Than Four Runners shall be set against the More Than Four Riders that are evil,' said El-ahrairond. 'With you and your faithful servant, Bundalf will go; for this shall be his great task, and maybe the end of his labours.

‘For the rest, they shall represent the other Free Peoples of the World: Hares, Moles, and Squirrels. Lagolas shall be for the Hares and Groundli son of Gleysol for the Moles. They are willing to go at least to the passes of the Mountains, and maybe beyond. For squirrels you shall have Acorn son of Acothorn, for the Ring of Incisdur concerns him closely.'

--- John Richardadams Rolkien Tolkien, The Watership of the Ring

Shut up N. I can only measure one person at a time

🎶Honorary doctors! El-ahrairond!🎵

i love every diogenes joke

shoutout to the woman from my high school martial arts class who liked to get me in joint locks and then joke about how I was easy to catch. you cannot comprehend how psychosexually formative that was for me

imagine, if you will, having an adolescent half-crush on someone way older than you, which is also confusingly blurred up with admiration of them as a role model. now imagine that you and that person are in a social environment where it is acceptable to (platonically, consensually) choke someone. I think I was very normal about it considering the circumstances

she would demonstrate takedowns on her husband (also in the class, and who was not a small man) before we got to try them and the first time I saw her twist him around and down onto the floor like it was easy my entire abdomen clenched

I cannot stress enough how eager this guy was to be manhandled (womanhandled?) and flipped around by his wife. he was her de facto guinea pig whenever she got to teach and I never saw him unenthusiastic about it. he'd set himself up for a joint lock fully smiling. the other adults in the class occasionally teased him about it (being so quick to let your wife put you in a submission hold tends to raise a few eyebrows), and I always kind of wanted to defend him but what would I have said? like, don't worry. I won't judge you. I also like being pinned down by your wife

That last sentance really hits ya like a psychosexually formative takedown

its probably for the best that humans dont have wings. imagine trying to act nonplussed and your shirt starts lifting off of your back because your stupid bird brain is telling you its time to threat display or get away

plus my plumage would be far more extravagant than yours and I wouldn’t want you to feel bad

my plumage would literally make you so attracted to me

bruce wayne answering “yes” completely honestly, non-jokingly, with a deadpan voice when the media ask him in jest if he’s batman is a mood

#and then years down the line they find out he’s batman and bruce is just like ‘i mean i never denied it’     

#bruce not caring enough to hide his identity has been such a staple for batman comics but even the writers don’t realize they’re doing it

#there was this early 70s comics about a killer sending his victims batman costumes and killing them while they had them on

#so the police started suspecting one of the victims might be the real batman

#but inevitably bruce wayne gets a suit so commissioner gordon asks him if he could think of a reason the killer targeted him          

 #and bruce just replies ‘no but the design is awful it’s nothing like the original downstairs’      

 #while alfred is just looking straight into the panel’s camera resigned                                                            

In Gotham Adventures #35, Bruce is made part of a jury for the court case of a man that was apprehended by Batman. 

And he just fuckin. He Does That

What seems to keep his cover isn’t secrecy (though there’s plenty of it), but instead just how absolutely outrageous the idea is. Bruce Wayne?? Batman??? Puh-lease. I mean, have you seen the guy? Sure he’s a nice guy, but he’s far too busy having people run WE for him and going on pleasure cruises to be Batman. I mean, really. 

(Good thing nobody notices the cool symbolic silhouette deal he’s got going on there.) It’s likely become something akin to the ‘Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer’ joke, (check out this post) and Bruce often just feeds it, making it even easier to get away with. It’s fucking hilarious.

Those people are gonna feel silly since anyone with eyes could see that the butts match…. I mean, the facts don’t lie

this probably flies into the face of everyone too cause if you think about (and can go back to animated series/a lot of comics/movies) BRUCE TAKES HIS MASK OFF TO SOMEONE ALL THE TIME, I wouldn’t be shocked if EVERYONE in gotham DOES know, but they think they’re the /only one/ who knows so they don’t wanna blow it for him cause Bruce generally is a good hero, and they know his history/pain/etc and his reasons for being Batman and it inspires them to just roll with it

82 YEARS AGO - BATMAN DEBUTED FOR THE FIRST TIME Eighty-two years ago on March 30, 1939, Detective Comics #27 hit newsstands, introducing the Caped Crusader for the very first time in a featured story called “The Case of the Chemical Syndicate.”

“And for all that fierce exterior, I’ve never met anyone who cared as deeply about his fellow man as Bruce Wayne.”  - Amanda Waller, Justice League Unlimited, Season 2 Episode 13 (2005)

“If you cant imagine your batman comforting a scared kid, thats not Batman. Thats the punisher in a silly hat”

Detective Comics Annual #3 - “Chaos Theory”

for everyone worrying/wondering what happened to Aden

ill never get tired of reaffirming things that make batman be batman include -he cannot stand to see people suffer or cause suffering -hes a detective first and costume punch guy second -he would sit down and talk with a child in pain

#thisismybatman

Hot tip for parents both present and future: When your kid tells you something is wrong, listen to them!

Sorry for not posting much lately, I’ve been busy with work and personal stuff, including an upcoming spinal x-ray I’ve been waiting over a decade for and the angriest doctor I’ve ever met in my life

The normal amount of back pain in a child is ZERO.

And if you think it’s because of too many books, ask the fucking school why the kids don’t have time to put them away or get them out.

And send them to a doctor anyway. Spinal misalignment is one of the easiest things to detect. Just fucking do it.

as a teen I was such an expert gaslighter it's insane one time a friend sent me a prank file saying it was an Ocarina of Times rom hack. It shut down my computer while we were on Skype. Now the thing is, my connection was shite and I was known to disconnect out of nowhere already. When I got back up, instead of acting angry or anything I thanked him and said that it was fucking amazing. I even shared screen and it showed a completely black screen because of course, I'm a black cat with technologies and it wasn't the first time either. The guy was trying to convince me I was pranked so fucking hard and I was like "...no???? It's literally just a game?????" and he ended up opening the file himself to see what was up, shutting down his computer

bonus:

Went to the micorcrisp store and bought some bugs to feed the avionics engineers

like this

So I got called into jury duty…

And I was put in the seat instantly, of course. I said, “your honor, I can’t be a juror on a two week trial, I have opera rehearsal.” And she said, “opera huh, well, sing something for us.”

And I did. In a federal court of law, in front of the judge, 75 jurors, the lawyers and the fucking DEFENDANT, I sang o mio babbino caro.

And the judge excused me.

@districtswiftie13

YO I DIDNT EMBARRASS MYSELF IN FEDERAL COURT SO YALL CAN DOUBT ME.

I know a lot of opera singers, and singing a full-on aria in a court room with only a hint of provocation is EXACTLY what they would do.

I know a lot of judges, and demanding an impromptu opera solo on a whim is also something they would do.

(And also one of the main reasons you can be excused from jury duty is economic hardship–basically, it would cause you unreasonable financial damage. If you’re a professional singer, a two week gap in your rehearsal schedule could do that for sure.)

As a muso, I absolutely believe this. I’ve got my accordion out of my carry-on and played a tune when airport security couldn’t recognise its weird mass of levers. Singers and musicians are just Like That.

Accurate.

My friend got stopped at the Canadian border coming back into the US. Border patrol took one look at his tattoed, ear-gagued, mutton chop wearing, hipster self, and said “I don’t believe you’re an opera singer. Sing something for me.” His wife immediately put down her knitting and plugged her ears, because Matt’s a contrabasso, and he does NOT sing quietly. Every other booth along the border stop had a head poking out of it within twenty seconds. And they let them pass without further contest.

The unwillingness of some people to believe that literally anything remotely interesting happens in other people’s lives is truly astounding.

Can we all please just take a moment to appreciate that OP’s url is literally @melodramaticsoprano and yet she still was doubted?  

I think the funniest dynamic for arranged-marriage royalty would be a queen who came here 100% prepared to murder her future husband and rule as a widow queen in her own right, only to discover that the king is autistic as hell and responds to her wish to rule with "oh thank god please do, I don't want to be bothered by these people. I can just tell them to go bother you instead, if you really want that. I've got beetles I wanted to study."

"I'm really not good at it," the king admits with horrible, aching grief. The country is in disarray. Peasants go hungry. Nobles trade power amongst themselves with impunity.

So the queen takes over and ruthlessly sets things to rights. Fires several generals, hangs nobles, redirects wealth to the peasantry. It isn't long before the first assassination attempt, which she expected.

She did not expect her docile, beetle-obsessed husband to go absolutely feral and fling himself at the assassins wielding a pair of sharp knives.

Also, the beetles are intended to attack and kill a certain type of invasive worm that has been killing off the gourd and potato crops for decades. He’s been trying since he was a child to crossbreed several native species to be hardier and better diggers. When he finally gets it right it’s all over for you bitches (“you bitches” being mass starvation of subsistence farmers).

Mad Scientist and the Head of HR ass dynamic