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A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM UPWORTHY
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Kids

Family

9 things to know about kids in foster care. Plus an unforgettable view into their lives.

Foster care is a nightmare for some kids and their foster parents. For others, it's a blessing.

Image via Nathaniel Matanick

A clip from "ReMoved Part Two"



Zoe's story, "Removed," has been seen by millions of people.

It was previously shared by my amazing Upworthy colleague Laura Willard. We got just a tiny taste of what it was like for kids in foster care, right after being removed. Specifically, a little girl named Zoe and her little brother Benaiah.

My wife and I, foster parents for the past year, even shared the original with our adoption worker, who passed it along to the entire agency and, then, it took off like wildfire among those people as well.

This is part 2 of that story, and it hits hard.

(Yes, the video's on the long side at about 20 minutes. But it's worth the watch to the end.)

She describes her life as a cycle, interrupted by a tornado. She's a foster child. I don't think I need to say any more.

So ... let's accompany that with 9 uncomfortable — but enlightening — facts below. There are only nine bolded, but within those headers, there are several more facts.

1. There are an estimated 400,000 kids in foster care right now.

Some are awaiting adoption. Some will go back to their parents. Others will age out or, sometimes, run away.

2. Foster kids can suffer from PTSD at almost two times the rate of returning veterans.

And PTSD can mimic a lot of other mental illnesses, and it can manifest as nightmares, flashbacks, fight-or-flee responses, anger outbursts, and hyper-vigilance (being on "red alert" at all times), among other symptoms.

Image via Nathaniel Matanick.


3. The average age of a foster child is 9 years old.

They're just on that edge of childhood, and chances are, it's been a pretty messed up childhood at that. Trauma does that.

4. About half of all foster kids are in non-relative foster homes.

8% are in institutions, 6% are in group homes, and only 4% are in pre-adoptive homes. Read that again — only 4% are in pre-adoptive homes.

5. Some of foster children experience multiple placements. In some cases, eight or more.

That's eight homes that they move into — and out of. And just consider ... that means they lose not just adults and other kids with whom they are establishing a bond, but friends, schoolmates, pets.

Clip via Nathaniel Matanick


6. The average foster child remains in the system for almost two years before being reunited with their biological parents, adopted, aging out, or other outcomes.

8% of them remain in foster care for over five years. Of the 238,000 foster kids who left the system in 2013, about half were reunited with parents or primary caregivers, 21% were adopted, 15% went to live with a relative or other guardian, and 10% were emancipated (aged out).

7. In 2013, more than 23,000 young people aged out of foster care with no permanent family to end up with.

And if you add that up, year after year, hundreds of thousands of foster youth will have aged out of the system. What does that look like? "You're 18. You've got no place to live and no family. Good luck — buh-bye now!" One-quarter of former foster kids experience homelessness within four years of exiting the system.

8. Foster "alumni" (those who have been in foster homes and either adopted, returned to parents, or aged out) are likely to suffer serious mental health consequences.

They are four-five times more likely to be hospitalized for attempting suicide and five-eight times more likely to be hospitalized for serious psychiatric disorders in their teens.

Based on that set of statistics alone, it's in the public's interest (ignoring, for a second, the interests of those kids) to help them through their lot in life and spend resources making it all work much better for everybody before it gets to that point. Right?

So there's a lot to be angry about in this whole messed up situation. But this next thing? My blood boils.

What's one of the biggest risk factors in families whose children are placed in foster care?

Your guess?

Cruelty?

Drugs?

Sexual abuse?

Neglect?

The answer is ...

9. Poverty

Together with homelessness and unemployment, it's a main contributing factor. It happens all the time. The fact that it's far easier for a parent to be accused and investigated for neglect or abuse because of simple things like lack of access to a vehicle, or a working refrigerator, or the ability to get a kid to a doctor's appointment — that has a lot to do with this. Tie that to the link between drug abuse and poverty and between poverty and child abuse ... well, you can see where this is going.

And in a country where one-third of children are living in poverty (hint: the good ol' U.S. of A.), imagine how that affects the number of kids being removed and placed into foster care.

I'll end this with a bit of hope through my story.

My kids went through something a lot like the kids in the clip above before they came to live with us. We've been through the ringer in ways that we're going to have to talk about one day because it's not just that the kids have been challenging — they have — it's that the system itself has been more challenging.

The entire system — from agencies to government entities to social workers to even the schools — seems like it's designed to fail these kids and the families who are attempting to help. It's almost designed not to work. There, I said it.

But that doesn't mean we won't fight to make it better for everybody. We most definitely will.

Image from a photo by my wife, Robin.

As for us, we're just a few weeks away from becoming the legal parents to these kids, and we're extremely happy to be right here, making it happen. And they seem quite happy to be our kids. Along the way, we fell in love with them, and we can't imagine life without them.

But to be totally honest ... if we'd have known how hard it was going to be when we started this journey, and if we could somehow turn back the clock and NOT do it ... well, would we have actually gone forward with the process?

I take that back. I won't be totally honest here. I will simply let you decide.

Here are some places to help, if you're so inclined.

        • AdoptUsKids.org is a place to start if you're considering fostering or adopting.
        • My Stuff Bags is a really cool and inexpensive way to help foster kids by gifting them actual luggage, duffel bags, and more, so that they don't travel from home to home with garbage bags for their belongings — or nothing at all.
        • CASA for Children offers legal help and advocates for foster kids through a network of volunteers.

        This story was written by Brandon Weber and originally appeared on 07.17.15

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        4-year-old's emotional intelligence is off the charts and people are giving kudos to his mom

        The bedtime conversation between Aldie and his mom is incredible to witness.

        @mom_aldie/TikTok

        Aldie knows how to articulate his emotions better than most adults.

        Sometimes they even stand out from grownups. Take young Aldie, for example, whose ability to articulate his feelings exceeds many adults. When you find out he's barely 4 years old, hearing him calmly talk about his emotions and good choices is all the more remarkable.

        Aldie's mom, Jonisa Padernos, tells Upworthy that she's felt he was "really special" since he started talking in full sentences at 20 months. "Believe it or not, he had no major tantrums in his toddler years because he was always able to express [himself] with his words," she says.

        Padernos started young, asking Aldie questions and giving him time to answer without interrupting. "I’d always ask his opinion or feelings towards something and I don’t rush him to answer," she says. "I give him time and just listen. I make sure I also tell him how I feel and explain to him because I think kids copy us, and if we do that, they would think that it’s normal to feel all those emotions as long as you can express it with words and [are] able to process it."

        Check out the conversation between Aldie and Padernos at bedtime as he goes through a recap of his emotions that day, which has racked up more than 17 million views on TikTok.

        @mom_aldie

        Bedtime conversation. The last part made me ❤️🥹 #fyp #momlife

        The way Aldie shared what he was feeling about his mom not letting him go outside, how he helped his papa make a better choice with his emotions, and how he described the different emotions he feels is more than most adults can muster when they've had "a hard time doing emotions" during the day. And the way Padernos listens and reflects and reassures him is so, so beautiful.

        People in the comments agreed.

        "Emotionally intelligent, articulate and able to string super sophisticated sentences together," wrote one commenter on Instagram. "I taught 7-year-olds that weren’t this advanced - heck, most adults aren’t this emotionally intelligent. I have confidence in his future and the consequences are working beautifully Mama. We have to raise kids other people will like too. 😍👏"

        "Wowwwww….. I’m so amazed by this baby’s EVERYTHING … the emotional intelligence, the vocabulary, empathy, the processing skills…all of it! ❤️❤️❤️❤️" wrote another.

        "The most mature conversation I’ve heard about emotions - tbh I don’t think I’ve ever been as honest about my feelings as this little one was 🙌🏽 feeling so inspired by both of them. ♥️🫶🏽✨" shared another.

        There's a lot that parents can do to help their children develop this kind of emotional intelligence, and this interaction between Aldie and his mom is a prime example.

        "My advice is just be present, encourage kids to tell you how their day was or anything, listen and give them time to express without rushing," says Padernos. "Be patient, consistent and honest when communicating with them. Always remember that kids mirror us and so we have to show and express our emotions so they will be encouraged to also express their feelings to us. And when we get mad or frustrated, also let them know and explain why and apologize if you feel that you’ve let your emotions get in the way."

        While not every child will be able to understand and articulate as clearly as Aldie did at such a young age, most kids are far more capable of understanding and processing emotion than we give them credit for. Proactively teaching them how to communicate what they're feeling and explaining how emotions work can go a long way toward helping them develop the self-regulation tools they'll use throughout their life.


        This article originally appeared on 4.4.23

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        5-year-old gave his mom advice for handling nerves. It was both adorable and spot-on.

        "You say, ‘I am brave of this meeting!’, ‘I am loved!’, ‘I smell good!"

        Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash, @EPrecipice/Twitter

        Kids really do say the darnedest things.

        Any parent knows that kids can be surprisingly astute little philosophers at the most unexpected times. One minute your child is throwing a tantrum because you sliced their sandwich wrong, and the next they are blowing you away with their deep preschool thoughts. It's enough to give you whiplash, but it's also one of the most fun things about being around kids. You never know what they're going to say and sometimes what they say is just awesome.

        Case in point: This 5-year-old who gave his mom some sage advice about handling her nerves.

        Twitter user @Eprecipice (StressieBessie) shared the story in a tweet thread. She wrote:

        "When talking about our agendas for the day, I told my 5yo I was a little nervous about a meeting I have today. He said, 'Mama, I am nervous all the time. I know what to do.' So friends, here is all the advice he could fit into the drive to school:"


        1. “You gotta say your affirmations in your mouth and your heart. You say, ‘I am brave of this meeting!’ , ‘I am loved!’, ‘I smell good!’ And you can say five or three or ten until you know it.”

        Okay, first of all, the fact that this kiddo knows what affirmations are is awesome. Some people have questioned whether this advice really came from a 5-year-old because of the vocabulary, but kids are sponges and affirmations aren't rocket science. It's become quite common for preschools and kindergartens to teach kids things like this, so it's not actually surprising to hear him talk about affirmations. It's just adorable to hear the ones he suggests.

        2. “You gotta walk big. You gotta mean it. Like Dolly on a dinosaur. Because you got it.”

        Okay, so this actually is sound advice. Researcher Amy Cuddy gave a whole TED Talk about how our minds respond to our own body language, and how using confident body language can actually release chemicals in our brains that make us feel more powerful and self-assured. So "walk big" like you mean it is legit.

        3. "Never put a skunk on a bus."

        No idea what this means, but it's definitely solid wisdom.

        4. "Think about the donuts of your day! Even if you cry a little, you can think about potato chips!"

        I'm genuinely not sure if this is referencing real donuts or not, which is part of what makes it delightful advice. Metaphorically, "the donuts of your day" could be the positive things that happened, and focusing on those instead of the negative is basic positive thinking. Then again, if you cry and think about potato chips, perhaps he's just referencing comfort with food. Either way, totally feeling it.

        5. "You gotta take a deep breath and you gotta do it again."

        Pretty much every therapist from every psychological school of thought will tell you that breathing exercises are one of the quickest ways to calm your body and mind. Simple, but seriously sound advice.

        6. "Even if it's a yucky day, you can get a hug."

        Even though that sounds like a pretty typical thought for a kid, it's also good well-being advice. According to The Conversation, the chemicals released when we hug can help us manage stress, reduce anxiety and manage our emotions.

        Smart kid.

        He added one more piece of advice for good measure as well for those of us who tend toward distraction.

        Like a little Confucius, this one.

        Seriously, if you ever want to hear some of the most oddly profound things you'll ever hear in your life, spend some time interviewing a 4- or 5-year-old. They really do say the darnedest things. And if you're nervous about something, just keep telling yourself you're "brave of" it. If nothing else, it'll bring a smile to your face remembering this delightful thread.


        This article originally appeared on 01.31.22

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