‘I’m a proud older mum – but I’m sick of the judgmental comments’

Dear A&E,

I am the incredibly proud mother of a two-year-old girl who I gave birth to at 46 using my husband’s sperm and a donor egg. We are so grateful and thrilled and…words cannot describe the joy. 

The only fly in the ointment is…other people. The questions they ask, the assumptions they make, the disapproval and actual lectures on being “too old” and the process being “unnatural.” I just don’t really want to share our story around the dinner table and I certainly don’t want to defend myself to people who could/should keep their opinions to themselves. How do I deal with this without causing a scene or being rude?

– Proud Mum

Dear Proud Mum,

People are funny, aren’t they? Perhaps it’s the ‘tell-all/bare all’ culture in which we find ourselves but they feel extraordinarily entitled to personal information and equally entitled to share their unsolicited opinions about whatever they unearth. 

It is interesting that you feel it would be rude to set a boundary around talking about something so personal and precious to you. You are allowed a private life. That does not breach any social rules written or unwritten. You are perfectly within your rights to call time on any conversation at feels inappropriate; any questions that feel uncomfortable and any judgements that are imposed on you. 

You are not saying that you flatly refuse to discuss the circumstances surrounding your daughter’s birth – in fact you are “incredibly proud.” You are not saying never. You are quite reasonably saying that, when people roll up their sleeves, lick their lips, rub their hands together and get busy, you find it intrusive. 

So much around women and fertility is intrusive, Proud Mum. Don’t get pregnant, they say, it will ruin your life. Hurry up and get pregnant, they say, before it’s too late. Tick-tock, they say. Oooh, bit old, they say, tut-tutting if we slip it in under the wire. Watched. Judged, Damned. ‘Did you leave it so long because you put your career first?’ they ask, ‘Or were you just too picky when it came to finding/landing/catching/trapping a man?’ 

And then bumps and babies are considered somehow public property making us feel like vessels which also feels rather dangerous nowadays, what with Roe V Wade and all that awful jazz. No wonder we get defensive – we are conditioned to feel this way. 

You are under no obligation to justify your place in the world as an older mother and you certainly do not need to justify your child’s existence. Once you get into “the most important thing is that my child is very loved” territory then you’re heading towards a kind of apology and it all feels weird.

So let’s just accept you have experienced your own mini-miracle and miracles make people curious. Yours will be, to many, an inspirational story and people will have an opinion – the downside of your miracle. But just because your situation is curiosity-inducing, it does not mean that you are obligated to satisfy that curiosity. You are not a walking, talking public service announcement. Just as it would be naïve to think that people won’t ask, there is nothing in the manual to say that you must tell. 

Once we’ve accepted that people will be curious, we need to be prepared for the incoming questions. Remember that sometimes you’ll mind the interrogations and sometimes you won’t. Don’t allow your knee-jerk ennui to get in the way of those lovely occasions when someone is just, plain delighted for you and your family. 

There are ways to deal with this without launching into a lecture  – “Oooh, she’s a bit touchy. Probably really overtired. That’s what happens when you have a toddler and you’re SO OLD” – but nevertheless making your boundaries clear. You could beam and say “We were as surprised and you are!” You could sigh and say, “I’m a bit bored of talking about it to be honest.” You could be frank and just make it clear that it’s private and you’d rather not discuss it and have seen Alma’s Not Normal because it’s bliss. You can say or do whatever feels right but it’s always wise to be prepared around an emotionally sticky subject like this. Arm-up, Proud Mum.

Once you get into the weeds of the judgments that people dish up, again, you can change the subject or you might gently hold up a mirror to the kind of person who holds forth on how you have chosen to live your life…. “But when she’s 18, you’ll be 350. Is that really fair?” You might say, “How is that helpful?” Or you might be more subtle and say, slowly and calmly, “Are you okay?” or “Please can you say that again?” Because often, when people actually hear what is coming out of their mouths, they take pause.

We cannot control how people react to us. We can only control our response. And what they think of us is none of our business. Don’t go through life worrying about this. You have your little girl. And all these humble agony aunts have to say is: well done you.