Would they lie to me? What parents can do when children aren’t truthful

There’s something about lying that grabs our attention. The devious tactics and misdirection on The Traitors made it a smash hit; “fake news” continues to go viral and some of the fibs on panel show Would I Lie to You confound contestants and audiences alike.

Even one of the first stories many of us share with our children is “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”. We use this fable to teach a lesson about why lying is wrong, but despite our best efforts, and the story’s unhappy ending, at some point, children will start learning how to lie.

Does lying always end in disaster like in the tale? And what makes children lie? To find out, Parents’ Toolkit spoke to Dr Lara Warmelink, Senior Lecturer in Psychology at Lancaster University and Dr Alison McClymont, a Child Psychologist.

Learning to Lie

“Lying is human nature,” explains Dr Alison McClymont, “Once we begin to develop an understanding that not everyone can see inside our head, we begin to form the idea that we can create stories about the past that other people may not be able to tell are true or not.”

“Most children start lying around the age of two,” says Dr Lara Warmelink, “These lies are usually very simple. A child might say “no” when asked whether they did something naughty, even though they did do it.”

At this early age you’ll probably be able to tell when they’re lying. Dr Warmelink says, “Children aren’t able yet to keep track of the evidence that you already have. So, they might deny eating the chocolate, while their face and hands are still smeared in it.”

Is this what happened or is this a story you want to tell me?”

As they get older, the way children lie will advance. Dr Warmelink explains, “Between the ages of two and eight, children will normally develop a better understanding of how other people think and what other people know. This will allow them to tell more sophisticated and more believable lies. Some of these lies will be to help or protect other people. Other lies will be very small and harmless. These well-intentioned or harmless lies are often known as “white lies” and many people (but not all!) feel that it is ok to tell them. Others will be selfish lies, told purely for their own benefit.”

Dr McClymont says, “We can explain to children that white lies are things we tell to protect feelings. It is also key to explain to children that the truth doesn’t need to be heard by everyone.”For instance - it might be that a white lie is a simple way of stopping a situation escalating in a way that can cause greater upset - like saying "I'm fine" when not wanting to talk about something that isn't serious, but is potentially embarrassing.

Dealing with lying

“For most children lying isn’t bad. It’s a sign that they’re starting to understand other people’s minds, wishes and thoughts. In fact, there is evidence that lying is associated with important skills in how children think and interact with others.” says Dr Warmelink, “It is important not to punish your child for lying. Research shows that punishing children increases their lying and makes them more convincing liars. If you punish children, you’re teaching them to lie better, not to tell the truth.”

Dr McClymont says that when her young children lie, she will ask them, “Is this what happened or is this a story you want to tell me?” She explains, “It’s important that children can be allowed to reflect on what they are saying as they do not consider consequences, for this reason they may not comprehend that embellishing or exaggerating a story is lying. They also may not consider the importance adults place on factual narratives.”

It can be difficult to find that your child has lied to you but Dr McClymont suggests, “Accept that lying is a normal maturational process, children do not have a fully developed concept of morality, and they cannot understand the consequences of their actions in the way an adult can.”

Encouraging Truth Telling

To encourage your children to tell the truth, Dr Warmelink recommends, “Explain to them how the lie hurt other people, or yourself or the child. If they’re old enough, you can explain that if they lie a lot, people won’t believe them, even if they are telling the truth later on.”

Dr Warmelink says, “Remember that your own lying behaviour will be noticed by your child. As a child ages, they will start to pick up on your own lies. Expecting your child to always tell you the truth, but to also accept that you lie to him or her whenever you want, is unfair and might come back to bite you.”

A useful phrase Dr McClymont uses with her children is, “It’s ok to keep surprises, but we don’t keep secrets.”

Worries About Lying

If you observe that your child is lying very often over a long period of time, you may have concerns. Dr Warmelink says, “This might indicate that they are having a difficult time. It might be worthwhile talking to them about it. They might have their own reasons to keep something a secret that you would not have considered.”

“Very high frequent lying can also be a sign of a bigger problem. You could start by talking to other parents and people who know your child, teachers or people they know from their community. If your child is under five years of age, you could consider talking to your health visitor. You can ask your GP to refer your child to a specialist service.”

BBC Tiny Happy People offers advice on emotional development and language development for under five's.

So, while it is important to teach your child the potential consequences of lying, whether through the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf or more nuanced discussion with older children, lies are part and parcel of child development.As Dr McClymont says, “Just because a child lies, does not mean they will grow into an untrustworthy adult. The most creative of children can sometimes be great storytellers!”

For an entertaining game of deceit - watch The Traitors on iPlayer.

Would I Lie To You is on BBC One and iPlayer.

How can you tell if someone’s bluffing?

Want to tell your child the fable of The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Here's a BBC School Radio version.

This Philippa Perry programme for Radio 4 offers The Truth about Children Who Lie.

And BBC News highlights a study which suggests children with good memories 'tell better porkies'.

If you are concerned by your child's behaviour BBC Action Line points to charities and organisations that offer help.