JAN MOIR: Bring on Meghan's candle of grievance with sobbing crystal petals. Whatever she's selling, I'm buying!
The Duchess of Sussex has launched a lifestyle brand called American Riviera Orchard and I am here for it.
Quince bark coffee, tomato leaf soap, taster pack of salmon sperm injections, hand-embossed make-your-own voodoo doll kits, moonbeam gummies — whatever the heck Meghan is selling, the first merch drop can't come quickly enough for me.
And the only question to ask is this: what took her so long?
The Duchess is one of those women who was born to tell other women what to buy and think and do. She walks among mere mortals simply itching to enlighten us all on how to be, where to shop, who to adore and why greige is the new taupe — whether invited to or not.
Since Meghan's influencer days on The Tig, where she posted recipes, beauty tips and style hints from her Toronto base, it was clear that sooner or later she'd return to this lucrative world of clicks and likes; that she would be back among her merchant-class kinfolk quicker than you can say 'add to basket'.
The Duchess of Sussex has launched a lifestyle brand called American Riviera Orchard which sells items including: Quince bark coffee, tomato leaf soap, taster pack of salmon sperm injections, hand-embossed make-your-own voodoo doll kits and moonbeam gummies
All she had to do to maximise her online profile and boost any future profits was to somehow — somehow! — elevate herself from B-list television actress to becoming a significant figure on the global stage; a somebody that everybody had heard of, a person who went from not knowing Oprah Winfrey neither personally nor professionally, to inviting the all-powerful media star to her wedding. Anybody got any ideas?
Whatever you might think about the former Miss Markle, you must agree that it was mission accomplished on that front at least.
And how! From first date to locking the Frogmore door for the last time took just over three years, less time than the gestation period of a salamander or certain kinds of shark.
Of course, Meghan didn't marry Harry purely to winkle him out of the Royal Family, like extracting a sulky whelk from a pearly shell, just so that she could go on to use her royal title to launch a commercial lifestyle website selling cosmetics, jams, nut butters and organic birdseed in California.
Be serious! No wacky conspiracy theories on this page if you don't mind.
Yet one still must admire the clarity of thought, the audacity, the sheer drive and twin peaks of mutual ambition it took the Sussexes to get where they are today. I admire the energy, if not the approach, simply because far too many people were kicked to the kerb on their fast lane to liberty.
However, surely even Harry and Meghan must be exhausted by the industrial grievance complex that has funded their own lifestyle thus far?
That's one reason why I hope that this American Riviera Orchard venture will usher in brighter times for them both.
So, bring on the five-wick candles and the youth-dew elixirs, make haste with the seven-ply cashmere lounge pants and the overpriced jars of honey.
Let's all dig deep and online shop till we drop to keep this young couple in the luxury to which they have become accustomed and feel that they deserve.
To this end, here is Meghan; back in California arranging white roses in a vase, cooking something virtuous for lunch, launching herself as a tastemaker and a mompreneur who leads by example.
Someone who imposes her terrifying sense of style upon the dreary, civilian she-turnips in the real world by wearing £1,500 Roland Mouret day dresses and no end of delicious designer gowns to pick up her latest humanitarian award. So inspirational!
Yet, just like all those other lifestyle gurus — including Martha Stewart and, of course, Gwyneth and her mighty Goop — one can't help but feel that sometimes their online sisterly solidarity is as manufactured as their signature scents.
And — whisper it — also that it is avarice rather than the giving of advice that really floats their boats. Out there in brand-land there are certainly millions of dollars to be made, but it is difficult to see where American Riviera Orchard fits into this crowded marketplace.
In the U.S., brands such as The Pioneer Woman started off as a farm-girl blog and turned into a multi-million-pound business, today boasting a hotel, a pizzeria, a cooking-utensil range and a TV cooking show that's run for 37 seasons and made founder Ree Drummond a very rich woman.
This week, Ree is raving about a new milk frother and wondering if you can feed carrots to dogs, while her wildly glamorous rival, Hannah from Ballerina Farm, is selling sourdough kits and 'mountain raised meat' on the Utah ranch where she lives with her husband and eight children.
Closer to home, even Kate Moss is giving e-commerce a whirl with her Cosmoss company, a new line of beauty and self-care products sold online and in-store. The range features a facial oil made from something called Mythical Tears of Chios — a resin native to the Greek island of the same name — that sells for around £105 for 30ml, making it almost as expensive as scorpion anti-venom. Has everyone gone completely mad?
Cowgirl, party girl, Goop girl — but what is Meghan's USP going to be? Surely she wouldn't dare to play on her royal connections? She promised not to, after all.
The Duchess has said that she wants her brand to be more 'accessible' than Goop, but is impressed by the polished elitism of Flamingo Estate, another California brand that sells organic soaps and an exclusive lifestyle.
Apparently Martha Stewart is her main inspiration; solid, dependable Martha who is known for her practical advice on everything from skimming gravy to running a home and keeping it clean. Recent Martha posts included 'how to grow a tapestry lawn' and how to 'clean a broom' — indicative of her attention to detail.
I'd listen to Martha's advice on anything, but what does Meghan know about brooms, except perhaps — as her enemies naughtily claim — how to fly one?
'I am flattered,' said Martha, when told that she inspired the Duchess of Sussex. She advised her to 'produce good products that work and will help the homemaker have a nice life. That's what it's all about.'
American Riviera Orchard seems to be rooted in a sense of place rather than a person. Meghan is selling the California dream, one jar of jam at a time. It is Montecito that is the major sell, but even still, there is the faint air of unearned emplacement; the feeling that she wouldn't be living in this upmarket millionaire's paradise were she not married to a prince of the British realm.
Indeed, some are convinced that American Riviera Orchard will taint the monarchy with an unsavoury strain of commercialism, but not anyone who has perused the Highgrove website recently.
You won't believe the stuff that King Charles is flogging under the auspices of his beloved country home in Gloucestershire.
Everything from £375 corduroy gilets for country gents to £150 silk scarves, triple-milled soaps, Prince of Wales check washbags and a £9 teabag tidy. Yes, you might not be surprised to hear that a member of the Windsor family is selling Yakhak Milky Rock Crystal Quartz Charms for £39 apiece — but it is Charles and not Meghan who is the culprit here.
If Gwyneth's Goop famously 'nourishes the inner aspect', what will Meghan's Orchard do? Give everyone the pip?
To launch a brand such as this, you must be popular and admired, you need a roaring army of fans to build your brand, you need to have the pulling power of someone like Jeremy Clarkson.
I've seen with my own eyes how hundreds of people will queue for two hours just to buy a bag of Jeremy's potatoes from Jeremy's farm because Jeremy grew them.
Can Meghan inspire the same devotion in her public? We will find our next month when the site launches at last. In the meantime, here's what I imagine we are in for …
The Candle of Grievance (£86)
Beautifully housed in a reclaimed jar, this soy wax candle is impregnated with crystal petals which make a sobbing sound when they burn. Light it for a frenemy, light it for yourself, lighten up for God's sake.
With top notes of prickly thorn and a dry down of sour grapes, this will fill your space with a keen sense of injustice that lingers long. Burn time: three years and counting.
This soy wax candle is impregnated with crystal petals which make a sobbing sound when they burn
Shearling Noise Cancellation Headphones (£256)
A sophisticated solution to plugging your fingers in your ears and shouting, 'la la la, not listening'. Instead, pop on these fluffy beauties and marinate longer in your own thoughts, be they petty or ever so grand. Lined with hand-milked muskrat silk to keep your lobes toasty. Accessorised with opals for emotional amplification.
Dog Bowl Padded Ruff (£99.99)
Have you ever worried that someone might burst into your kitchen and throw you on the dog bowl without a by-your-leave? If so, this is the gadget for you. Simply clip this velvet padded ruff around your dog bowl, ready to cushion your fall in any emergency. Made from a repurposed ceremonial robe no longer needed. Available with sustainably farmed ermine trim, apply for details.
Mood Bracelet (£799)
Multi-strand quartz bracelet that will help align your chakras and promote calm. Featuring rose quartz for unconditional love, malachite for pure odium, cellulite for self-acceptance and compassion and cherry quartz for cherry picking fights.
The mood bracelet - rose quartz for unconditional love, malachite for pure odium, cellulite for self-acceptance and compassion and cherry quartz for cherry picking fights
Ohm Alert Portable Meditation Set (small £55, med £75, large £95)
Featuring a pre-loved cardboard box inscribed with the words Meditation In Progress, Do Not Disturb. Using her formidable calligraphy skills, the Duchess of Sussex personally inscribed each box herself, turning this practical aid to meditation on the move into a valuable collector's item.
Wherever you are, simply pop the box on your head to create a safe space for chanting personal development mantras, manifesting, lucid dreaming and grounding the ego. (Limited edition autographed version, £100 extra.)
Silent Not Silenced Revenge Diaries (£125 each)
Set of thick-lined diary notebooks for journalling, collecting evidence, settling scores and keeping secret lists of potential royal racists. Each volume comes with a special 'unconscious bias' section and an enemy index.
A set of thick-lined diary notebooks for journalling, collecting evidence, settling scores and keeping secret lists of potential royal racists
Hummingbird Sage Dishwash Soap (£38)
In honour of the moment when 11-year-old Meghan changed the world by writing to Procter & Gamble about a sexist dishwashing liquid ad. Has she mentioned this before? 5p off orders of 12 bottles or more. Discounts for the unwaged.
Merrie Olde England Gourmet Section
The Duchess of Sussex is thrilled to introduce her own recipes and culinary ideas to entertain and delight. Included is Marry Me Roast Chicken, featuring the exact roast chicken and sacred herbs Meghan was cooking when Harry proposed.
Look out, too, for a family favourite called the Frozen Wieners Supper and a spectacular Japanese Puffer Fish dish that Meghan liked to serve to her in-laws, followed by Hard Cheese and Simply Crackers.
Marry Me Roast Chicken could feature the exact roast chicken and sacred herbs Meghan was cooking when Harry proposed
